The Peter Parker Rulebook for Dummies Vol 2, an avengers fanfic

[ Peter Parker & Stark Industries | 17 ]

Tags: Peter is a little shit, Stark Industries, Tired Tony Stark, Irondad

Tony has been lying in their Malibu beach house for a while now, just relaxing and reveling in the calmness of his surroundings. For the past few days, Tony Stark, workaholic extraordinaire, slept for 9 hours straight.

He hasn't felt this well-rested in years and, quite frankly, it's making him a little high.

Is this what it felt like to sleep like a normal person? God, how intoxicating.

Taking his sunglasses off, Tony turns to Pepper who was calmly reading a newspaper beside him, and said, "How long do you think they'll last before they cave and beg us to go home?"

Turning the page of the newspaper, Pepper sips her margarita and replies with mirth, "I'd say two days. I'm aware that Pete has a list of grievances to resolve."

"What the hell do we do now?"

Staring at the broken chandelier and the spider-child that was still sleeping at the corner of the ceiling despite the amount of broom whacks he had received, Rhodey just laughs brokenly, "Check the guidebook. Just. Check the fucking guidebook. Tony and Pepper need to rest. We have nothing else to turn to."

The Peter Parker Guidebook for dummies, Vol. 2

101. To the leader of the Peter Parker fanclub, it seems I wasn't clear enough. When I said that 5 dollars wasn't enough, I didn't mean raise it to 6 dollars. Really? Am I not paying SI employees enough? 6 dollars? Come on. Do better.

102. Stephen, when you were a doctor, you were an asshole but at least I respected you. Now, you've abandoned your beliefs to become a knock-off Gandalf. Face it, we both know that your beard will never be as majestic as his. Science is the way forward and you know it and for the love of science, stop trying to convert Peter. It's not happening.

103. What do you mean Peter is more receptive to magic?

104. IMPORTANT: When I say that Peter is my protegee, I mean that he is MINE. Go find your own son, goddamnit. I will not let you lead him astray.

105. Loki, I know you're soft for Peter but going to the beach every day to try and part the OCEAN in HALF is not a good idea. Even though Peter said it is. You're not Moses. Stick to snakes.

106. Peter has a habit of falling off buildings and NOT DOING ANYTHING until he reaches approximately 10 meters from the bottom. He says he does it because it's fun. I say he does it because he wants me to die from a heart attack.

107. No, I will not accept criticism. And it is definitely not because I'm old, how fucking dare you, Peter Parker.

108. For some reason, my child, Peter Parker, likes leg day. I know, it's weird.

109. Peter has recently been entertaining the idea of going to Harvard. I feel like a fraud. Where did May and I go wrong?

110. Rhodey, telling him about our college days will not help our case.

111. When you see Peter Parker holding cards, do the following:

a. Check what he wants to do with it.

i. If playing card games, smile and abort mission. You'll lose anyway.

he says 'the betterment of humanity', slowly walk away. Peter is gifted in the art of making random things into very dangerous projectiles. Specifically, throwing cards strong enough that they can cut tires. As long as he's not aiming for you, you are in the clear.

he is aiming for you, please know that the song playing during your funeral would be 'TITANIC Theme Song - My Heart Will Go On - Harp/Violin'. A true sendoff fit for men.

112. If you see Peter and Vision communicating using binary, don't ask how they found a way to say 0011100110101010001 out loud. Just tiptoe away.

113. When in doubt, Star Wars and/or the Three Idiots is the answer. Yes, the Bollywood movie. It gets him every time.

114. SI employees, if there are any problems with the military, talk to Peter Parker. Apparently, he is known as the, and I quote, 'devil of Stark Industries.'

115. Yes, it's surprisingly effective. The time I casually said that 'I should call Peter', the military practically begged to be able to sign the contract. Apparently it's in their rule book or something?

116. If you see Peter hugging a wolf, don't panic. He's probably hugging Fenrir, Loki's child and Peter's self-proclaimed cousin. Don't ask how Loki has a wolf for a child.

117. It appears my child is, once again, trending. Is this what they call main character energy?

118. Who even posted that video?

119. Someone contact the IT department and tell them to track and sue all the individuals who want to jump my son. What the fuck. He's a minor, damnit.

120. Hope, if you try and take Peter, a superpowered child, and make him into a tiny superpowered child who will run around and do things that hyperactive tiny superchildren do while NOT being seen again, I will banish you.

121. I swear to god. Scott, I know you wanted him to meet your ants. But, and get this, think of my broken couch. It is, literally, split in two because he wanted to know what it felt like to swim in fluff and promptly forgets that HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM and then proceeds to DROWN IN PILLOW FLUFF. Just make him meet your drummer ant. That's as far as I'll compromise.

122. Thor, for the last time, penguins exist. You literally asked Stephen and Peter to teleport you to Antarctica. You had magic and science beside you. There is no excuse for you to live like a disgrace. Admit you're wrong and go. Antarctica is not a mass hallucination created by Loki just to spite you.

123. When Peter says 'I like your shoelaces,' the appropriate answer is 'Thanks, I stole them from the president'. Please understand that this rule only exists because Shuri is holding me at gunpoint.

124. On the occasion that Peter starts crying and will not stop, contact Valkyrie. The reason: flying horses. According to Peter, it's basically like 'being in a barbie movie'. It is the peak of his youth.

125. As a follow up, if all else fails, contact Loki. He will do magic tricks, even at the risk of his pride.

126. When Peter says he prefers procreate, he does not mean procreate /ˈprōkrēˌāt/ (v.): to reproduce. He means the app. For the love of god, he means the app.

127. On the occasion that he doesn't, call Loki and tell him to initiate the End of the World protocol. He'll know what to do.

128. If I hear Loki brag about being cool because Peter likes his magic one more time, I will become a villain. I'm not joking.

129. Scott, I don't care if you know how to do card tricks. Don't show Peter. I'm his father, goddamnit. I should be the coolest.

130. I am aware that it is beyond my capability to stop the entirety of Stark Industries and the New Avengers from playing the floor is lava. But, and get this, think of the president's face when someone (Wilson, I'm looking at you) shouted 'the floor is lava' and everyone, security guards included, turned on their jet packs and flew.

131. Why was this approved in the budget?

132. What do you mean Peter requested it?

133. If Peter Parker requests for '561 mini jetpacks', the appropriate answer is no.

134. As a follow up, please do not call me to tell Peter no in your stead. I physically cannot do it. Look for Pepper, she's the bad cop of the family.

135. Please never tell Pepper I wrote that here.

136. Someone find out how Peter manage to hide the fact that he's been keeping a goat in his bathroom for weeks.

137. Bucky, it has come to my attention that it was your goat. I don't care if it came from Wakanda. Why didn't you just put it in the Peter Parker Compound Zoo?

138. What do you mean that you have more goats at the compound zoo?

139. I don't care if this particular goat is your favorite. How did you even get it in?

140. What do you mean through the window?

141. Someone tell Peter to say no if someone asks him to do questionable things (see: carrying a goat multiple floors up by making a web harness of some sort). Today it's going to be a goat. Tomorrow, it might be a giraffe.

142. When Peter says 'firm suggestions,' what he actually means is manipulation. Don't ask how I know that.

143. Who told Peter that adding a tarantula to his spyder army was a good idea? Do you sleep well at night? Is this your goal in life? God, I hope you have nightmares.

144. What do you mean it's a real tarantula?

145. I take it back. Tell Peter having a fake tarantula is better than a real tarantula. Get it away. I don't care if you already named it Wookiee. I get it, it's brown and hairy. Get it away.

146. Peter does have a starstruck phase. The current record is 5 months. That's right. I'm the current record holder. Suck it, losers.

147. Yes, I am aware that all the buttons that is anything remotely important and destructive is purple. This is because Peter cannot suppress his urge to press anything remotely big and red. (see: Appendix A, the 'accidental missile launching' of March 9)

148. Recently, Peter has taken up the habit of acting like a therapist and writing down something in a tiny notebook while making eye contact and nodding when he's in a conversation. The one time I asked if I could read what was on it, he gave me a notebook that just said, 'lol bitch u thought'.

149. When Peter says 'quickie', what he actually means is quiche. Keep yourselves holy. Think of Jesus, folks. Yes, I'm talking to you, SI interns.

150. Do not allow Peter to do stupid things with the sole reason being "for science". It won't end well. (see: Appendix A, glowing slimy organism thing of February 5) Yes, Bruce, I'm talking to you.

151. Scott, Hope, SHURI, stop enabling my son to do stupid things!

152. Harley, just because you weren't explicitly mentioned doesn't mean you could enable him behind my back.

153. SI Interns, when my son wears crop tops, I expect you to keep your eyes to yourself. Six feet for Jesus. I don't want to have to bury dead bodies. The logistics of it would be tiresome.

154. It appears I didn't make myself clear enough. When my son wears literally anything, you keep your eyes to your fucking self or so help me, I will commit arson. Don't think I won't do it. Pepper is more than willing to strike the match.

155. My child has a habit of running cars into ditches. Happy already tried teaching him. It just isn't meant to be.

156. In other news, Stark Industries will now invest in making self-driving cars.

157. WHERE THE FUCK IS FLASH THOMPSON GETTING THESE CONSPIRACY THEORIES?!

158. WHY IS MY CHILD KNEELING TO GROOT? WHY IS HE CHANTING GROOT IS MY GOD?! IS THIS A GENERATION THING?!

159. Peter has taken to following Shuri's lead and recording absolutely everything in the lab. This includes but is not limited to (1) normal experiments, (2) pranks, and (3) Thor impressions.

160. It has come to my attention that Midtown students have found the balls to ask my son out. Unless you can climb Mount Everest in two minutes, sit the fuck down. You don't deserve him. Fucking peasants.

161. Mantis, please stop telling Peter that you could communicate with the deep dark sea. He won't be able to sleep for days. Stop saying that you told the deep sea giant squid to tear a pirate ship in half for stress relief. (…you didn't, right?)

162. SI Interns, when Peter dishes out shit when he's on a roll, stop calling it Peter-i dish. According to him, it 'kills his vibes'.

163. When Peter arrives with another animal and says 'he actually just showed up,' don't believe him. It didn't. he probably pitied it and brought it home on his own volition.

164. I have decided that the floor is an unnecessary hazard. My son who, by the way, is a genius has taken up the hobby of running around in wooly socks like there wouldn't be any consequences. UNACCEPTABLE. Now, SI will be committing to a slip-proof floor. No more injuries, no more worries.

165. Sometimes, Peter would laugh maniacally for absolutely no reason. Just walk away. Slowly.

166. Peter has the habit of carefully flipping the cars of racist cops upside down. He does it so gently that it doesn't get damaged and charged for destruction of property. Yes, the Bugle isn't entirely wrong when they call him a menace.

167. On that note, when the Bugle reports news on Spider-man, let it be. Peter and the boss of the Daily Bugle are friends and sometimes go out to coffee and chat. Apparently, the world doesn't understand sarcasm.

168. As a follow up, yes, Peter does check on the news of the Daily Bugle a lot. He reads it for the sole purpose of laughing at the comments left by readers.

169. When Peter says channel your inner pigeon, you better start channeling, yes, I mean you, Wilson.

170. For the record, you're never living that down. Heh. "Channel your inner pigeon."

171. Peter has an obsession with tiny 3d printed objects, specifically animals. It's worrying.

172. I have just been informed that when Peter said, "he wanted Netflix," he didn't mean the company.

173. On an unrelated note, Netflix is now free for SI employees.

174. I don't know when Peter will get the hint that the recent thunderstorms is not because 'nature needs to scream sometimes' but because Thor has been on a losing streak in League of Legends for the past week and is frustrated because he's getting his ass kicked by 12 year olds.

175. No one tell him.

176. Just because my child has something called a Spider's sense, better known as a Peter tingle, doesn't mean that he has common sense. Watch him at all times. Like a hawk. He once jumped into a toilet and flushed to see if 'he would spin too'.

177. I don't even know why I have to write this down but when I say "go undercover", I do not mean wear shades and a baseball cap. What the hell are all of you doing.

178. Rhodey, what do you mean it's the height of innovation? Surely, you realize that you all look like a bunch of drug pushers.

179. Peter is obsessed with Brooklyn 99. Just watch with him. It's surprisingly good.

180. Mantis, what the hell are you and Peter doing?

181. What do you mean yoga?

182. You think throwing things into the lake and screaming into the void like fucking edgelords is called yoga?

183. I understand that you think yoga is meant to be therapeutic but it's therapeutic in a I'm stretching look at me, a flexible person kind of way not a summon a giant squid kind of way.

184. I'm not sure when Peter will get the hint that using T'challa as an excuse every time I ask about a muddy pawprint just isn't working but it's been used approximately 63 times and frankly, it's getting old.

185. SI Intern heads, I don't even know how and/or why you came up with idea but no, Stark Industries does not need to have a wrecking ball at its disposal because, and I quote, we are trying to 'break stereotypes'. It's like you don't want to get paid anymore.

186. SI employees, I am aware that my son, Peter Parker, has become somewhat of an icon and influence in the company. As such, I felt the need to inform you all, especially the parents or those soon-to-be, that normal friend groups do not commit crimes together. One day it's just hacking a suit, the next is trolling racist cops and homophobes together. While it sends a good message, it would be problematic to have to bust your son out of jail. I swear, I've already bought a good plot of land for my burial, it's like they're competing on how many heart attacks I get.

187. As a follow up, normal friend groups do not fight crime together either.

188. This is an already established rule in the SI kitchen but I feel the need to state it here just in care. Under no circumstances, and I mean never, will there be anyone who try or even entertain the thought of cooking Gary the crab and/or his descendants, Gary II, Gary III… Gary n, Gary n+1. Everyone knows that they're Peter's children, do you want to deal with a hysterical teenager?

189. Why are they all named Gary? Obviously so that Peter never forgets their name. Get with the program, Wilson.

190. SI Interns, please stop purposely dropping pencils under sofas and other large heavy objects. I am aware my son is able to carry them with one hand. You're not subtle.

191. Wade, if I hear one more comment about my child's ass, I am going to lose it. Do you know I've been looking for the best way to break someone's bones? Please remember that there are 206 in your bodies. Life is precious. :)

192. I have no idea how Peter's friend group somehow managed to make and play with light sabers in the first two hours of their visit. I've learned not to question it. Just smile and wave.

193. Harley, I have no idea why you decided that making guns with different vegetables and/or fruits as ammo was a good idea but did you really have to start a food fight with Peter in the middle of the cafeteria?

194. I am aware that one of the newly promoted intern heads is named Andy. Still, if you ever see him coming, do not scream "Andy's coming" out loud in front of the other interns. They will drop dead like it's still 2016.

195. Ned, I don't care how many star wars LEGO sets I have to buy you, just make sure that everyone at Midtown will maintain an aggressively platonic distance from my son. Damn you, thirsty bastards.

196. When any of the Gary crabs die, whether that be to the knife or to life, the appropriate reaction is to tear up slightly while Peter reenacts a very elaborate sendoff with 'See You Again by Wiz Khalifa' as the background music.

197. I am aware that Peter has learned how to shoot an arrow for the exclusive purpose of sending off dead crabs into the lake via shooting a flaming arrow at a wooden raft carrying its remains, how to train your dragon II style. I have learned to stop questioning Peter's conviction.

198. When someone (see: Peter Parker, Ned Leeds, Harley Keener and/or Shuri) receives a bunch of flyers that they don't want to keep, the go-to (and expected) route is to throw it in the trash, preferably in the right basket.

199. It seems I wasn't clear enough. When you don't want it, throw it away. Do NOT use it to keep a fire going because, and I quote, 'we'll throw it out anyway'. Especially when it's a fire in the lab and NEEDS to be put out. I and the board of directors didn't need to walk into a room that was ON FIRE at the same time, filled with laughing gas because of one of your experiments.

200. Do you know how scary it is to see four crazy-eyed children, cackling like lunatics, with a fire in the background? You're not Elmo.

"Look, Rhodey!" Peter exclaims, turning to the tired adult. Rhodey who, along with the rest of the Avengers, had been tasked with the mission of handling Peter Parker while Tony and Pepper were gone, didn't quite know how to feel about this.

Why, you ask? Well, Peter Parker has just revolutionized the schematics of the StarkPhone which will, inevitably, put Stark Industries, once again, at the forefront of the tech industry, and he did it because he was bored.

Rhodey, and the Avengers beside him, looked like proud parents of a genius child while, at the same time, about to have an aneurysm all at once. Watching the child yelling a joyous exclamation, prancing around the room, pleased as punch, Rhodey just knew that they were in for another hellish week with Peter Parker.

Sighing, he turns to Hope, "Give me the phone, I need to tell Tony to come home."

"I thought they were on vacation."

Chuckling darkly, Rhodey closed his eyes in dread. "Fuck his vacation. The genius child will cause even more chaos. Does that man want to come home to a burning country?"

"Guys, I think going to try and master spinjutsu."

"And how will you do that?"

"By binge-watching Ninjago, of course."

"For how long?"

"… a week or so?"

"So, do you plan to stay up for the next seven days?"

"Yes."

"Peter, we both know you start getting sleep drunk at 40 hours."

"… but spinjutsu."

Staring at the overactive child, Rhodey feels the last of his sanity die, like dust in the wind. Staring at a nonexistent object ominously, he felt a crisis come on. Tony really needed to get home.

Author's Note: this is the seventeenth part of my series, Peter Parker & Stark Industries. this was originally posted on AO3 and we're one part away from being caught up! If you want to read the rest of the series or my other works, there'll be a masterlist on my bio! thanks for stopping by 3