I hate you.

You and that annoying ponytail of yours. And that red jacket I hated since the moment you put it on. And the way you put your belt on in the morning. The way your eyes would brighten when you saw me like I meant the world to you. But just as quickly, your eyes would move on to the next person. The way you reached out for me when you had nightmares. The way you'd leave room for me by your feet every night. Is it okay for me to watch you sleep?

I hate your smile and the way you laugh.

It's too bright. Too good for me. Like a shinning star too high up for me to reach. When will I have to stop chasing after you?

I hate the way you make me feel.

Your presence is suffocating. Thoughts don't come easily when you're near. I always end up saying the wrong thing and make you cry. I'd do anything for you to not cry ever again.

I hate the way you begged me to join you.

Those sad eyes made me want to slash your face. This isn't you. Don't look like that when you're supposed to be smiling. Show me those big bright blue eyes like you did before. But now they look fake. Fake eyes and fake smiles. But you just had to be the hero and leave me. Why won't you look at me like you used to?

I hate that you make me want to hate you.

Everywhere I go, no matter what mission, your face is there. Even when I'm alone in my room, all I could think about is you and the way you just won't leave me alone. Just when I think you got it, leave me alone, you come back to get in my way. It reminds me of when we'd practice and you'd taunt me, asking me to make the first move. I'd kill everyone to get to see you again.

I hate how big my bed is.

There is an empty spot right next to mine. It feels too big. Yet I can't breathe. The night is covered in shadows, your face haunting me when you left me. I was there whenever you had a nightmare. But where were you when I had them too?

I hate your new friends.

They laugh and play with you like they know you. But I know you the most. Do they know of the way you snore every minute and a half in your sleep? Do they know it was my idea to push your bangs back so you could see better in a fight? Do they know of the birthmark on your lower back? Do they know the way your neck is sensitive and only let me get close enough to tease the skin there? Do they know the whimpers you let out when you feel like crying? Do they know you promised me the world?

I despise you.

You make me want to murder the world with my bare hands. You frustrate and fascinate me. I want to watch you smile. I want to watch you scream and suffer. To see your eyes brighten, to see them fill with tears. To see your lips form my name. Please say my name again.

I hate the way you smell.

Of apples and sunshine. Of peach and dandelions. It's intoxicating. You were so close and yet miles away. I'm right here. Make me regret not going with you. Make me miss you even more. Even as you were close enough to smell and taste again, you never smiled. Your eyes were looking at me but not me. Please. Let me be close to you like before. Not this dangerous dance we're doing. But do you want to touch me the way I want to touch you?

I hate hating you.

It's so exhausting. Hating you is the worst job in the world. Please come back so I don't have to anymore. No. Don't come back. Stay away. Leave this planet so I can think. Please don't ever leave me.

I hate She-ra.

She's too perfect. She doesn't have your scars or your rough hands. She doesn't have the dips of your hips or the smile lines on your face. She doesn't have your eyes or your toothy grin. I'll destroy her so you can come back to me.

I HATE YOU

I hate you for leaving me when I needed you the most. Of throwing me away like I was a pest. Why was it so easy for you to leave me? I don't need you. I'm better than you. I did more than you ever did. You always held me back. But most of all…

I hate you for making me love you.

I love the way you'd laugh when I tickled your sides after practice. The way you'd let me lay of your lap as I napped, not letting anyone wake me so I could rest on days that I was too exhausted to continue. The way you'd stroke my ears when you thought I was asleep. Please touch me again.

I love the way you'd split the last grey bar with me even though they were your favorite. Or when you wouldn't eat if I wasn't there too. It made me feel important to you. What am I to you?

I love the way you snort when you laugh at one of my jokes. The little crinkles on the corner of your eyes when you squint to try to see me in the dark as we laid in bed. And the way you'd blush when I swatted an eyelash away from your cheek. And the way you said you hated me tackling you but never pushed me away. Don't push me away.

But mostly, I loved the way you made me feel. The way you'd touch me without thinking. Like it was as natural as breathing. A small squeeze on my shoulder, on my side, my hip, my thigh, a pat on the small of my back.

I used to count the seconds when I'd see you again. Never having the energy to smile expect when I saw your ugly ponytail in the crowd. Or hearing your laugh, distinct from all the other laughs in the world.

I love you.

Loved you.

Because now, whenever you face pops in my head, I want to slash through the walls. We had the whole world. We had each other. But it wasn't enough for you. You were enough for me.

I walk the halls with a ghost of you by my side. Your smile and laugh imprinted in every room fading as time goes by. Like smoke, your face is disappearing, replacing this new you I don't recognize.

But, please, don't hate my memory. Don't think that you meant nothing to me. You meant the whole world to me. I loved you with all my soul. But the more I did, the more you walked away from me.

So I'll stop.

I'll stop yearning for your glances. I'll stop waiting for the day you'll come back to me. Waiting for a miracle. In another life, we'd be happy, not pieces in a game we are destined to lose.

It hurts too much to hope. I'll stop hoping. I'll erase every smile, laugh, gesture, from my memory. So when I see you next, I'll be able to stop myself from throwing myself into your arms.

I never got to tell you, Adora. But my love for you will forever burn inside of me. With every beat of my heart, you will echo. And even when I take my last breathe, your name and the sound of your voice will be my last fleeting thought.

Until then, I'll lock you away in my heart, frozen in time to a time you were happy by my side.

I loved you. So now it's my turn to let you go.

Because everything we dreamed about is gone, a flicker of a wish.

So hate me.

Hate me with everything you've got. Maybe then I'll be able to forget you. And maybe then you'll be able to end my suffering. If you're the last thing I see, even if you were to drive your sword right through me, I'd die happy.

Until then, the day you or I lose, I'll wear a mask so you won't see the me in your memories. I'll destroy her. So when we see each other again, you can finally end it all. They will retell our tragic story decades later, of friends who turned to enemies. None of them true or real. Not really.

Because who could imagine that the one who hurt you again and again loves you more than life itself. But this burden is mine alone to carry.

So don't worry, Adora.

I love you enough for the both of us. With a love of broken glass and fleeting promises. I love you.

Loved.

I loved you.