Jay put up his fist for Kim to hold then pointed to the bedroom at his right. She nodded her head and waited for a moment while he checked the room but then moved on to the room just a couple of feet down on the opposite side of the hall.
Her only mistake was not holding. If she would have waited Jay would have been there to back her up, but when he came out of the room he was just checking, Kim wasn't there. He saw her in the room across the hall but also saw someone enter the same room from another door further down.
As soon as he saw the guy, he ran into the room and tackled Kim hard to the ground just as three shots rang out. Both landing hard with pained grunts, he immediately rolled off Kim and brought his gun up firing at the fleeing shooter but another perp viciously kicked the gun out of his hand then kicked him in the head slamming him into the wall with enough force that he saw spots. He could feel the blood dripping from his cheek but ignored it. He grabbed Kim's gun with his uninjured left hand and fired, killing the second perp.
He got to his knees and crawled the few feet to Kim, trying desperately to draw in a full breath.
She had blood on her lips from the force of the tackle, a bruise already blooming at the corner of her mouth but it's the growing amount of blood on her shoulder that makes his own blood run cold…he wasn't fast enough.
She was startled alert by the weight on her shoulder that had caused her pain to spike.
If he had enough breath he would have been screaming into his coms, but as it was, he only had air to croak out their status.
"Need…EMS second floor. Kim's down…One offender down, second offender… on…south stairs. Black coat…blue baseball hat."
He put more pressure on her shoulder and touched her face with the hand he had been cradling against his chest, "Hey Kim. It's okay. You're going to be okay…just stay with me."
"Sorry I…screwed up."
Keeping the pressure on her shoulder, he pulled the velcro open on her vest. Ignoring the pain in his right hand, he frantically checked her chest and abdomen for additional gun shot wounds.
"Shhh, you didn't…you didn't screw up. Just hold on."
Her face twisted up in pain, she nodded her head and closed her eyes.
He didn't hear the rest of the unit screaming at each other through the coms or that the second offender was down, his sole focus was Kim.
"Hey hey. Open your eyes. Help's coming." But she didn't open her eyes, "Kim! KIM!"
He heard footsteps charging down the hall and lifted the gun, focusing on the door, but put his focus back on Kim when he saw it was Adam.
"KIM!"
At first he is shocked by the state of the woman he loves but was broken out of it as anger takes over. Why hadn't Halstead covered her?
"She took a round to her shoulder…no exit wound…there's..."
Jay wasn't able to finish his thought before Adam shoved him away from Kim with a little too much force and dropped to his knees beside her.
Unable to catch himself, Jay landed on his back and all of the air exited his lungs in a painful huff. Kevin had already sunk to his knees on the opposite side of Kim and taken over putting pressure on the wound.
Grabbing her hand and touching her face, Adam yelled a desperate plea at Kim.
"Kim, baby, wake up! KIM!"
When her lashes fluttered but her eyes didn't open, Adam rounded on Jay as he got slowly, painfully to his knees, gasping for breath.
"What the fuck Halstead…"
Before he could continue, a groan had him turning away from Jay and back to Kim, "Shh…shh…it's okay…just hold on babe…hold on…"
Jay sat ass to heels watching it all play out, trying to catch his breath. He knew he had taken at least one to the back of his vest but that didn't matter, he cradled his hand against his chest, knowing for sure he'd broken it but that didn't matter either.
He closed his eyes for a second to stop his pounding head from spinning and absentmindedly wiped the blood leaking from his cheek onto his shoulder, then forgot about it, forgot about any pain, Kim was more important.
A moment later 61 was coming through the door taking over for Kevin and Adam.
Kevin wiped his bloody hands on his jeans, glanced at the dead perp on the floor…good…then took a moment to look at Jay across the paramedics as they work on Kim. His black hoody, vest and jeans were covered with dust from the floor, his hands covered in Kim's blood...his right hand cradled to his chest...that's as far as he got...he met Jay's shellshocked eyes for a moment before he was distracted by the paramedics and turned his focus back to Kim, forgetting about Jay.
Jay hadn't said anything, his eyes haven't left Kim, that is until he felt Kev's eyes on him, looking him over. Jay couldn't meet his eyes but for a second, before they both focused back to Kim. He couldn't handle the blame he thought he saw in them. Not right now. It's too much, his guilt was already overwhelming…there would be time for their blame later.
Sylvie turned to Jay and looked him over. His body language screamed 'injured.'
"You okay?"
He didn't understand why she was asking that question until she points to his head.
"He's fucking fine."
The paramedics were stunned by Adam's declaration, but Jay didn't even register what Adam said.
"I'm fine…fine…concentrate on Kim."
Jay stood up with a slight wobble when they got Kim on the gurney, ready to help get her down the stairs, but was pushed away with a hard shove by Adam.
They were out the door and down the hall when Jay started to follow. He got as far as the door before this head spun and the pain in his upper back engulfed him, bringing him to his knees. He grabbed the door jamb and curled over, eyes clenched tight, breathing through the pain before he slowly gained his feet and leaned against the wall. When the world stopped spinning, he sucked it up, ignoring all pain taking roost in his body and followed them down. Kim was more important.
XXXXXXX
Jay was the last one to arrive from the scene and it pissed him off. He didn't want to talk to the asshole from the Ivory Tower that graced the scene with his presence. He wanted to get to the hospital and see Kim. But officer involved shooting meant the cockroaches came out of the woodwork, so he was an hour behind everyone else.
It didn't help that he had ridden with Kim to the bust and one of the guys had driven her car back to the station or the hospital. Probably better that way. He was pretty sure he had a mild concussion based on the ringing in his ears and the pounding in his head. Luckily a uni was available to give him a ride to the hospital.
The first person he saw when he got to the ER waiting room was Adam slumped in a corner, Kev next to him.
"Adam…how's…"
Anger radiating out of every pore, Adam jumped up, immediately getting in Jay's face, "What the fuck did you do. You're supposed to have her back Halstead! What were you doing while she was getting shot?"
The anger was fading and despair was taking its place, "Because…you…Kim…is laying in there maybe…" He held in a sob, "…dying because of YOU!"
Jay glanced at Voight and Kevin then looked back to Adam. He didn't defend himself because that would be like blaming it on Kim. It wasn't her fault. Even though it was an unfortunate series of events, it was his fault, he was the senior officer.
Even with the brief glance in their direction, he could see Voight and Kevin were pissed at him, just keeping it to themselves until they knew how pissed they should be, keeping their focus on taking care of Adam.
Just then Kim was wheeled out of the ER and they all rushed towards her gurney as it rolled by. She looked terrible. He stayed a few feet back, giving the three of them room to get to her side before she disappeared through the double doors to the OR.
"Get the fuck out Halstead. If you were doing your fucking job we wouldn't be here right now."
Voight put a hand on Adam's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, then focused on Jay, nipping any further confrontation in the bud.
"Take a walk Halstead. It'll be a while before we know anything."
He sucked in a breath and gave a quick nod, glancing at them one more time as they walked away, heading for the OR waiting room. He just stood there, not knowing what to do with himself. His pounding head finally made the decision for him and he sat down hard onto the plastic seat. Letting out a painful breath, he put his left elbow on his knee, resting his chin in his hand, right arm pulled against his chest and settled in to wait it out alone.
XXXXXXX
"Jay…Jay!"
He lifted his head to see Maggie crouching in front of him and gave her a barely there lopsided smile. "Hey Maggie."
Her nurse's eyes swept over Jay, start of a black eye, cut cheek, swollen right hand draped carefully over his vest…she touched his sweaty forehead… no fever but obviously in quite a bit of pain. A frown touched her lips when she looked past the injuries and into his eyes, he looked absolutely devastated. Hell, he looked like a lost little boy.
She wasn't quite sure why she just witnessed members of Intelligence basically shun Jay, but decided to leave that alone for now and focus on Jay's less than stellar physical well being.
"Lets get you into a room. I'll have Ethan take a look at you."
"No…uh…that's okay…I'm fine…Kim?"
"Dr. Kalen's got her. He's good. Come on Jay. I think you need stitches and I'm worried about a concussion. You also have a broken hand…are you having trouble bre…"
He cut her off and went with a lie so she'll leave him be, "I'm fine Maggie. I got checked out at the scene. I'll need x-rays for my hand and a cast but it can wait."
She looked at him skeptically, "It will only take a few moments…Kim's in…"
There was no heat in his quiet but firm refusal, "I said I'm fine Maggie." He was not the priority here.
She watched him for a moment. The emotional pain was radiating off him in waves. She wished Will was here and not at a conference. Jay obviously needed some support.
"Is Hailey here? She okay?"
He was thrown off by the question for a moment…Hailey… "Uh no, she wasn't part of the bust, she's in New York. She'll be back in a couple of days."
"Jay…" She waited until he looked away from the doors Kim just disappeared behind and back at her, "I talked to Kim when she first came in…"
That stopped his brain in its tracks, "She was awake?!"
A small bit of relief seeped in until he remembered her unconscious body rolling past him just few minutes ago.
"Yes…for a few minutes…asked how you were…she was worried you were hurt…she told me what you did…that you saved her…"
At her words Maggie saw the anger flash across his face before devastation landed and stayed. She was at a loss for what to do for her friend.
He didn't want to hear this, he only wanted to know that Kim was going to be okay. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. His head was going to explode and he needed to figure out what to do, where to go. If he stayed here he knew Maggie would sic Ethan on him and he wanted to avoid that. He also didn't want to join the team and cause them more discomfort.
He continued to lean against the wall with his eyes closed. He could feel Maggie looking at him but decided to put an end to the conversation. He opened his eyes and looked at her with the most stoic face he could muster.
"Really, I'm fine. Just gunna sit here for a minute then I'll go up."
She finally gave up and patted him on the knee. She would check on him again later. Maybe he wouldn't be so stubborn when Kim got out of surgery.
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."
He nodded and put his head down to hide the tears that threaten to fall. It was then he noticed the blood on his hands. He found himself sitting back up and staring at them. Kim's blood. He had Kim's blood on his hands. He didn't know how long he stared at them but found himself in the bathroom washing them sometime later.
When the water finally ran clear, he focused in on the mirror and took a good look at himself. He's got a black eye and there's has a nice gash on his cheek that had at least stopped bleeding. It was surrounded by another bruise, all from the kick to the head.
He shook his head, he really didn't care about any of it even though the adrenaline, for the most part, had dissipated and he was feeling every ache and pain he had. He decided to go to the hospital gift shop, ignoring the stares of anyone he crossed paths with and got himself some Ibuprofen. He could have just got some from the ER, but he couldn't be bothered with people being bothered by the state of his health.
XXXXXXX
Jay finally decided to head up to the OR waiting room again to see if he could get any news. He saw Voight standing in the hall just off the elevator and stopped when he put up a hand for him to wait while he finished his call.
Voight had been talking to the assholes at the Ivory Tower on and off for the last hour. He was beyond pissed, having to deal with their bureaucratic bullshit, when he just wanted to support his people, but kept being pulled away.
He was focused on the asshole on the other end of the line when Jay got off the elevator. He held him up and took in his appearance while he tried to wrap up his call. He didn't know why the state of Jay surprised him but it did, like he was seeing the bruises that littered his face for the first time, though he supposed they were darker, it's been a bit.
Jay leaned against the wall and waited Voight to finished his phone call. He had barely hung up and the question was flying out of his mouth, "Kim?"
"She's still in surgery."
Voight's answer was cold, bordering on angry. He wasn't sure if it was because it was him asking the question or if it was because he just got off the phone with what could only be the Ivory Tower and that was never a happy conversation.
He nodded his head and suddenly felt the need to tell his boss what happened.
"Hey Sarge, can we debrief."
Voight gave him a glare. He just spent an hour talking to the Ivory Tower about their feelings on the matter. As far as he was concerned, he was done with it for now. He wanted to focus on Kim and Adam.
"We'll talk tomorrow Halstead."
Jay tilted his head down in guilt then turned it into a nod. "Got it…uh…I'll check back. "
"Mmph…"
XXXXXXX
It's been a little over an hour, since he talked to Voight, so he decided to head up to the OR waiting room again, hoping there was some news. He had just got past the threshold, when he was shoved into the wall by Adam but Kevin was a step behind and stopped him from doing more.
Jay swallowed, his fear skyrocketed, overriding the pain of the shove, "Is she…is she okay?"
Kevin let go of Adam, who went to fume in the corner, hands clasped on his head.
"I'm sorry I…" He looked back and forth between Voight and Kevin, fear growing, "Is she gunna be okay? Kev?"
Kevin put a hand on Jay's shoulder a little too hard so there was no way to mistake it for comfort, "We just got an update…it's…maybe just give a little space…"
Adam rushed over, going after Jay again, slamming him into the wall, causing him to gasp in a pained breath with the impact. It took both Voight and Kevin to pull Adam off of Jay.
"NO! She's not okay!"
He got an arm loose and pushed Jay in the chest again.
"It's not alright." He broke down in tears, pushing weakly at Jay again, he's full on sobbing, "She had a miscarriage. It's not okay…not okay!"
Jay is stunned and as soon as his brain reengages, his eyes feel the prick of tears.
"Mis...she...Kim was..."
He looked at Voight and Kevin, not sure what he was looking for, praying for denial but only getting confirmation.
Everyone was quiet for a moment, all seeming to let that information infiltrate deeper into their hearts.
Adam used the moment to break free, his heart was shattered. Jay saw the devastation on Adam's face and closed his eyes, a signal to the universe that he wouldn't stop Adam…miscarriage…he deserved whatever Adam dished out.
Adam's left fist hit him square in the jaw, whipping his head to the side and sending him to the floor. Adam went with him, grabbed his vest and punched him twice more before Kevin pulled him away.
Head spinning, pounding even more than before, Jay tried to sit up but stayed put when the world tilted.
His eyes darted from Adam to Kevin to Voight standing above him. No one moved. Voight and Kev were focused on Adam as he got himself to a wobbly standing position with the help of the wall.
The next thing he knew, he was on the floor with Voight leaning over him. He's not sure if Adam hit him again or if because of his concussion, he was having a problem with gravity.
He saw Adam a couple feet away sitting in a chair, Kev beside him with a hand on his chest. Gravity then…
Voight was talking to him but all sound was diminished. All he heard was the blood being pumped through his body in a rhythmic static.
Voight's lips moved and he thought he answered him with an, "I'm okay" but wasn't really sure what the question was, or even if any of them care if he's okay. Everything was white noise.
Once his awareness came back in totality, so did sound and pain and the…and…Kim…the miscarriage…
He sprung to his feet faster than he should have been able and stumbled back against the wall with a grunt. He felt blood start to trickle down beside his eye and used the sleeve of his hoody to stem the flow.
Bracing himself so he didn't fall when his head swam, he grabbed Hank's arm to steady himself…or maybe in desperation, begging for a different truth.
A baby. His eyes filled with tears again as the loss to Kim and Adam penetrated deeper…a baby…he…their…he ki…he didn't blame the three of them for being mad, they should be raging, it's more than deserved. He was at a loss for what to do, so when he saw that the three of them seem to be done with him, taking their seats again, he left.
XXXXXXX
Voight pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the text from Trudy.
How's Kim?
Still in surgery.
Okay. Let me know when you hear something.
Will do.
Tech is done combing through the video feed from the bust. You want me to bring it or you want to wait?
Wait. We'll concentrate on Kim…The case is over... the pricks in the Ivory Tower can wait.
Got it. See you soon.
XXXXXXX
Jay blindly wandered, engulfed in a thunder cloud. The pain in his heart at war with the physical pain rolling through his body. He finally ended up in a small bathroom on the east wing of the third floor. He walked directly to the vacant handicapped stall in the back and quietly locked the door like he was trying not to give away his presence in the empty room, but that would all be for naught.
He leaned his shoulder against the door and called Hailey one more time in utter despair. She hadn't been answering his texts and he was feeling more and more desperate to talk to her.
The call went to voicemail like the other calls he's made since this all happened so he left another message and as soon as he hung up, everything caught up with him in full force, driving his actions home with a dagger.
He was on his knees in front of the toilet puking his guts out a moment later. The vomiting was never-ending and when nothing was left in his stomach, dry heaves racked his body.
Hailey always answered his calls, his texts. He knew she couldn't be on an undercover because she didn't mention it last night or this morning when they talked. So one of the guys, Voight, Platt, someone, must have already talked to her and she was upset with him also, leaving him feeling alone and lost.
Sweat, tears and the blood from his newly split lip and brow, coated his face as wave after wave of the uncontrollable spasms rolled through him until he was sure he would pass out from the pain.
Keeping his broken right hand against his belly, he clung to the toilet for dear life with his left. Eyes closed, hoping to shun the daggers to his eyeballs from the bright florescent light, he breathed through the pain when there was finally a lull in his body's insurrection.
He wiped his face against his shoulder, now embarrassed by the message he just left for Hailey, but he couldn't take it back now. He blamed the overwrought message on his spiraling thoughts and the pain he was in.
"Hey Hails, I uh, hey I know I left you a couple of other messages. Things are pretty fucked up here… … I…they probably already… … I know the guys probably already told you what happened…anyway, can you…can you just call me… … … please…"
The throb in his concussed head pounded with every heartbeat bringing on another round of dry heaves. More tears leaked in an uncontrolled stream at the pain of it all and yet a thought spun clear and sharp in his head…he deserved it…Kim…the baby…
That thought brought more dry heaves as a sob mixed with the spasms created an explosion of sound echoing in the toilet bowl.
The 'please' he whispered into the universe for a reprieve turned into a groan as his body continued to try and expel his innards. When the eye of the hurricane of pain finally hit he rested his cheek against his arm where it laid on the rim of the toilet bowl and waited for his trembling body to still.
He let the tears flow as tried to catch his breath as stealthily as possible lest he trigger another round of spasms. Finally, he thought he may have caught a longer reprieve and lifted his throbbing head, wiping his face on the sleeve of his hoody.
When the room spun, he rolled off his heels, letting his ass hit the floor and leaned against the wall, bringing his knees up towards his chest. He kept his eyes closed and sucked in slow steady breaths though his nose.
The pain hadn't abated in his head or his body, if anything the new position was adding to what was already there. But a thought struck him and the tears that continued to roll morphed from tears of his own ungodly pain to tears for the ungodly pain he had caused Kim and Adam.
What had he done. What had he done. Oh my god.
He didn't think about how Kim would be dead if he hadn't tackle her, didn't think that the shots he had taken in the back would have hit her in the head. Those thoughts were lost to the fact that Kim had been pregnant. She was going to have a baby and the baby died. She was going to be a mom. Ruz was going to be a dad. And now all that was gone because of him.
Covering his mouth, he caught the sob. More tears rolled and more violent, muzzled sobs rack his body. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.
As he leaned against the wall, not even trying to relieve the pain in his back where the bullets caught his vest. He's grateful for that pain. That pain was affirmation that Kim was alive.
His face continued to bleed, it hurt, throbbed in time with the ever increasing pain in his head but he was not mad at Adam, not in the least.
The punches he threw were justified and he would have stood there and taken more if Kevin and Voight hadn't pulled Adam off him. The pain was deserved.
A miscarriage… the sobs that had quieted come back in full force sending the pain off the charts…What have I done.
His stomach rolled and he was heaving before he could even get to his knees and get his head over the toilet…nothing was expelled just rancid air, but that didn't matter. He made a grab for the rim of the toilet to steady himself but wasn't able to hold on as pain ricocheted through his body…the daggers from the light poked holes in his vision and the toilet shifted out of his grasp and he felt himself falling backwards, he hit the ground with a pained grunt as new pain blossomed in his back. His broken hand flopped to the tile a moment later sending a spike of pain from his hand to his head and back again and that's what finally sent him to oblivion.
XXXXXXX
Hailey rushed down the hall and straight into the OR waiting room, "Hey…"
She walked over to Kevin and gave him a hug, then gave Adam a hug when he broke out of his fog and realized she's there.
"I got here as soon as I could…it's been one fiasco after another. Any word?"
She squeezed Adam's hand, mindful of his bruised knuckles, and guided him back to a chair, sitting beside him.
Kevin glanced at Hailey, then shifted his focus to Adam when he answered her question, like he needed to remind his best friend one more time that Kim was going to be okay.
"She's in recovery. She'll be okay. No lasting damage to the shoulder…."
Not able to sit still, Adam got up, paced, then wandered to the door, watching for the nurse or doctor who will give him the okay to go to her room. He wanted to be with her now.
"…their main concern was blood loss."
She lowered her voice a bit, "How's he doing?"
Matching her volume, Kevin answered, "Not good…I think he'll be better once he can be with Kim…"
"So her shoulder, no lasting damage…the miscarriage?"
Kevin continued while Voight kept his eyes on Adam, who is totally oblivious to the conversation.
"No lasting damage there either, at least not physically. She'll still be able to conceive."
She let out a big breath that she thought she might have been holding since she got the call in New York telling her what happened. She had never heard Platt so rattled.
"They didn't know…she was about five weeks along…they didn't know she was pregnant."
She groaned internally and rubbed her face, ending with a swipe of her eyes.
"What happened…Platt just said she was shot and going to surgery when I talked to her in New York and when I landed she told me about the miscarriage and that Kim came out of surgery okay, but that's all I got."
Voight filled her in, eyes occasionally darting to Adam, "We were clearing a house, Halstead was with Kim on the second floor…not sure what happened…we heard gunshots and the next thing we know, Halstead's requesting EMS…saying Kim's down..."
"Oh my God! And the perps?"
"Both dead…"
"Well, at least there's that."
When her partner wasn't in the room when she arrived, Hailey thought he had just stepped out for a moment. She thought Jay would have been back by now.
"Where's Jay? How is he?"
"Halstead's fine."
The sharpness in Adam's voice and the hard countenances that came over Voight and Kevin's faces confused her.
She looked at the three of them, "What's going on…what happened?"
Adam huffed, crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head as he plopped back down next to Kevin, causing Kevin to put a hand on his shoulder with a calming 'bro' to make sure he didn't go off again.
He kept his hand on Adam's shoulder and calmly answered her question.
"We're not sure how it went down…how Kim got shot…"
But Adam interrupts, "It's obvious Halstead wasn't covering Kim…"
That gave her pause, "Well…what did Jay say?"
None of them answered so she asked again, anger seeping into her voice, "Did any of you ask him what happened?"
Voight spoke up, "He wanted to debrief, but Kim was still in surgery…I told him we would do it later…Kim was the priority."
Half of her understood that logic, the other half of her screamed that they took a devastating situation and unnecessarily turned it into a clusterfuck of epic proportions. They had blamed Jay or at the very least he was blaming himself and got no support from them.
"Jesus Christ…"
She stood up in frustration, walking to the far corner to call Jay. She had to put some distance between her and them…she was a hairsbreadth away from going off on them and that wouldn't solve anything.
Pulling out her phone, she was immediately bombarded with notifications of missed calls and texts from Jay. She sat down with a groan and quickly read the texts, which were nothing more than Jay asking her to call him.
She put her elbow on one knee, leaving the other free to bounce, and rubbed her forehead while she listened to the messages. The first three were just different versions of the same request, to please call, each message sounding more and more desperate.
Rubbing her eyes when tears formed, she shook her head at herself, realizing that Jay probably thought she was upset with him also…so many calls for support and they all went unanswered…she hadn't seen any of them…
The last message started to play and she leaned back against the wall, hand on her head while she listened. She closed her eyes and listened again, and it was torture, but this time she looked at the three men on the other side of the room and would like nothing more than to kick all their asses and then kick them again. Goddamit!
She walked across the room vibrating with anger. She stood in front of them so close they all had to sit back, and brought up the voicemail, putting it on speaker:
It was a perfect storm of Jay's adrenaline, fear and anguish because of their assumptions.
The message started with him clearing his throat.
"Hey Hails, I uh, hey I know I left you a couple of other messages. Things are pretty fucked up here… …" He cleared his throat again and when he started talking, you can hear he was on the verge of tears. "I…they probably already… … I know the guys probably already told you what happened…" He blew out a breath and it sounded like he was rubbing his face, he cleared his throat, then sniffed before talking, "anyway, can you…" He was silent, but they could all hear it, the little exhales and intakes of breath of someone quietly sobbing. It was painful to listen to, to hear the pain Jay was in and know they were the cause of it. He could barely choke out the last sentence before he ended the call, "can you just call me… … … please…"
She took a moment to stare daggers at each of them. Her eyes only briefly flicked to Adam…she could give him a pass for now…he was in his own world of hurt but Voight and Kevin…Shit! She turned away before she said something she probably wouldn't regret, stalked back to her corner and called Jay.
They all had their own feelings about the voice mail Jay left. The pain and despair rang loud and clear, almost drowning out the actual words.
Voight shook his head, wishing he would have let Jay debrief. He thought back to that short conversation and knew without a doubt Jay thought he, at least, blamed him for Kim getting shot. He had been on the phone with the Ivory Tower and dismissed Jay with the anger from that call in his tone. Of course Jay must have thought that was condemnation. How he could not?
X
Kevin drew in a quiet breath, out of deference to Adam's pain. He didn't want to give away the guilt he felt over his treatment of Jay. But the sadness for Adam and Kim was moved to its own nook in his heart to make room for the remorse he felt. He had wanted to be there for his best friend and pushed all thought of what his other friend must have been going through away.
He had seen Jay in that room. He had let the guilt and remorse on Jay's face color his thoughts on the situation. Jay thought he did something wrong and Kevin went with that.
Taking in a big breath, he tried to blow out some of his guilt, but it didn't work.
He would like to blame it on the situation. It was fucked up and emotions were running hot, but they'd had over an hour to take a breath before Jay even got there. They should have asked him what happened. Hell, Jay had a black eye and a cut on his face but they all ignored that…didn't even ask if he was okay. Just laid into him and for lack of a better word, ditched him in the ER, making sure he knew he wasn't welcome in the OR waiting room. Goddammit!
X
A fleeting thought went through Adam's head but he let it go without examining it but he was pretty sure it was remorse.
He didn't have room for that thought when he was so pissed about what happened to Kim, that she almost died…that she had…they…that she had a miscarriage. The thought had tears flooding his eyes when he thought about what could have been.
He's grateful he has Kim…still has Kim, he came close to losing her, but the 'what could have been' has rage swirling through his being…they might not know what happened but Kim was hurt and Halstead was right there. He was right there and he fucked up. In someway, shape or form, Halstead didn't have Kim's back and because of that he almost lost her…because of that she got shot…she lost…he is stuck on the what could have…he would have been a dad…and he lost that…Kim wouldn't be a mom…they lost that…because of Jay…
Walking away, he sat in the chair in the corner that had been his home for the last couple hours. He just wanted to see Kim. He pushed out that small inkling of guilt again…fuck Halstead.
X
She was livid. She knew it was a perfect storm of misunderstandings, worry and anguish, but she was pissed that Jay had been left out in the cold. She picked up her phone and called him and when that went straight to voicemail, texted him, and then out of frustration and maybe a little bit of desperation, called him again.
She waited a few minutes and when he didn't get back to her, she thought, hoped that he was hanging out with Will. So she texted Will…when he didn't respond, she figured he was either busy or off today…but even if Will was off, Jay still might head to the ER, he might go to Ethan.
"I'm going to go see if Jay's hanging out with Will or Ethan in the ER."
Only Voight acknowledged the statement and that was with a distracted nod…all three of them are lost in their own heads right now.
XXXXXXX
As soon as Hailey left, Voight pulled out his phone and texted Platt.
Bring the video with you.
Something happen?
No…still waiting…might as well watch it.
He just hoped that the video showed them what they needed to see.
XXXXXXX
"ETHAN!"
He turned to Maggie but she was already moving away from the desk, running to the elevators. He didn't question it, just took off after her.
They got off the elevator on the third floor and ran towards the small crowd gathered outside the restroom.
"Step back, step back! Let me through."
Ethan didn't wait for anyone to step back, just cut through the crowd like a hot knife through butter. He was on the floor immediately, crawling under the stall door, taking a second to slide the lock so Maggie could join him.
He kneeled down trying to rouse Jay as he checked his pupils, "Jay! Hey wake up man…""
He crouched over his friend wondering if something else had happened. He looked worse than Maggie had described.
As if reading his mind, Maggie spoke, "Something happened…he didn't look this bad when I saw him."
He looked up to the crowd still lingering at the door, "who found him?"
A man holding a little boy stepped forward. "We did…"
"Was he awake at all? Did he say anything."
"No no…He hadn't moved the whole time…"
Ethan huffed and turned his attention back to Jay while speaking to Maggie, "Lets get him on the gurney and get him to the ER."
XXXXXXX
Ethan and Maggie weren't in the ER, Will was off and the young nurse that gave Hailey that information hadn't seen Jay at all that day, so she headed back up to the waiting room, hating that she ran out of avenues to explore in her search for Jay but resigned to the fact he would show up when he was good and ready and not a moment before.
She had sent Jay another text and a voicemail with a little more detail, asking him to come up to the waiting room…that everything was okay…that Kim was out of surgery and would be fine. She knew he was probably hiding out somewhere, avoiding the team until he was able to see Kim. She also knew for a fact he wouldn't go home, wouldn't leave…he would want to be close by.
Ten minutes later Platt arrived, giving Adam a hug where he waited by the door, "Anything new?"
"She's still in recovery…they're waiting for a room."
Patting his back, she gave an iPad to Voight and gave Hailey and Kevin hugs before sitting down for the long wait.
Voight stood, stretched his back, and moved to the other side of the room to focus on the iPad.
He skipped through the various feeds until he found the one he wanted, he didn't have much of an outward reaction after watching it, but something was vibrating off of him that caused all of their focus to shift to him.
He cringed inwardly and this time let his disgust slip quietly through his lips…"Goddammit!"
"What?"
He didn't look up just delivered a curt, "Hold on…"
Already pissed about what he saw in the room, he scrolled through more feeds, looking for the one that would tell him what happened before they were in the room.
He's got a pretty good idea given Jay was Kim's partner but wanted to verify….which he should have done hours ago…he knew Jay…
He found the hall video, it confirmed what he thought and he mumbled a gruff, 'Kim didn't hold' to himself. Goddammit.
But the others heard it.
"What?"
"Boss…"
"Hank…"
Only Adam and Hailey didn't respond…Adam was still focused on the door and Hailey didn't need to respond…she knew…she just fucking knew…
Hank shook his head while he rolled back the video of the hall and put it on the table for them all to see…there was no sound but it was clear as day what happened. Kim didn't hold…she moved from where she was standing and disappeared into the room across the hall. Moments later Jay exited the first room and immediately took off, disappearing into the room Kim just entered.
They watched…even Adam had wandered over and when they were done, Voight clicked to the room video…
The first time they watched it was like watching a scene from a TV show…you see it, know what happened, but you don't really see it…see the detail of it.
After they got the 'what happened' in the broader sense, they watched it again for the details…they saw Jay save Kim's life, his back arch as he took two to the vest. They saw him roll off Kim and come up shooting, the gun brutally kicked out of his hand by the second perp and the kick in the head before Jay took him out with Kim's gun left handed…
All of it was agonizing to watch. It was beyond clear that Jay was injured…
but the treatment of Jay after Kevin and Adam got to the room was appalling:
Jay crawling to Kim, putting pressure on the wound and being pushed away by Adam sending him sprawling on the floor. The shock of pain registered on Jay's face when he hit the floor and for a moment it looked like he might pass out.
Finally getting to his knees and for the most part, ignored by those in the room, except for a brief exchange with Sylvie.
Jay could barely get to his feet when he moved to help them with Kim and was pushed away with a hard shove by Adam, stumbling back until he leaned against the wall.
Adam, Kevin and the paramedics were already out the door and down the hall with Kim when Jay was stable enough on his feet to follow. They watched the feed as he got as far as the door before he ended up on his knees. His face showed that he was in excruciating pain, eyes clenched tight, breathing through the pain as he held onto the door jamb and curled over, right hand pulled against his chest. He stayed in that position for almost five minutes according to the time stamp. Eventually Jay gained his feet but leaned against the wall for another three minutes.
Voight switched back to the hall feed from the south camera which showed Jay walking slowly down the hall, left hand against the wall the entire trip until he disappeared down the stairs.
Kevin put his head down, disgusted by his behavior. Emotions had run high sure, Adam was seeing the love of his life bleeding out on the floor and Kim was one of his best friends, so they both focused on her. There was nothing wrong with that, Jay was conscious…but their blatant disregard for him…their friend…brother…
Hailey could see the surprise on Trudy's face, the guilt on Voight and Kevin's and despair, just heart wrenching despair on Adam's face…but she also saw the flash of guilt.
But that, all of that, didn't matter. She was livid…she had to remind herself that Adam was hurting when she saw him push Jay the second time, away from the gurney when he tried to help them carry Kim out. But she was still fuming…the video wasn't even done rolling and she was pulling out her phone to call Jay.
"HE'S HURT!…WHERE IN THE HELL IS HE?!"
XXXXXXX
Maggie knocked on the door jamb before entering. The energy in the room was off given that Kim would be fine.
They all looked to her and then to what was in her hands. Hailey stepped forward and took Jay's badge, gun and vest out of Maggie's hands.
She looked for the two bullets in the back of his vest when she spoke, "Where is he?"
"Someone found him in the restroom passed out. He's on his way down to the ER."
A cacophony of sound filled the small waiting room as the members of Intelligence released their exclamations of guilt into the small room.
Hailey put Jay's badge in her back pocket and clipped his gun to her belt, then found the bullets. Given where they hit, he had to be in a ton of pain. She tossed the vest to one of the chairs but before she could ask if Jay was okay, she saw the smear of blood on the back of the chair.
She picked it up again, "HE WAS HIT?!"
The rest of the team gathered around and Voight took the vest, seeing a perfect bullet hole at the edge of the kevlar in the back and another on the edge in the front of the vest.
"Christ. He caught all three bullets. This one must have passed through him and into Kim."
Maggie gestured to her side, a few inches underneath her armpit. "It's a through and through."
"It hit his rib?"
"I'm not sure, Ethan's got him, he'll get a full set of x-rays. Jay's hand is definitely broken and he probably has a concussion based on how beat up he is, but we won't know more on that until he wakes up."
She scanned the room, "I saw him earlier when you all came in. He had a few bruises, a cut on his cheek. He looks worse now. His jaw is bruised and he has a split lip and a cut above his eyebrow to go with everything else…not sure what happened."
She left it there. She really wasn't sure what happened and didn't want to judge but she saw how they all treated Jay earlier and she didn't doubt it for a second that one of the three men in the room gave Jay those extra bruises. But she would leave it for them to sort out.
That little inkling of guilt Adam had felt earlier when they all listened to Jay's message and then watched the video feed, took up residence in his head again and this time it didn't go away, just shared the space with his worry for Kim and despair about the miscarriage.
He is saved from having to examine any of this though, when a nurse arrived to show him to Kim's room.
XXXXXXX
Hailey went with Maggie to the ER, basically ordering the rest of them to stay put. She was too pissed to be around them. Platt offered to come with her but Hailey told her to stay, she knew Platt was close to Kim.
Maggie slipped into Jay's treatment room, allowing her to follow. Jay was laying on his side in just his jeans and boots, his t-shirt and hoodie laying in scraps on the floor. He had two big splotches of bruising blooming on the right side of his back. One closer to his spine, the other up and over to the right. Two more inches and it would have missed the plate.
The blood from the through and through was smeared on his back, a temporary bandage patching up the hole, while Ethan got ready to stitch it.
He addressed Maggie when she came into the room, "Waiting for CT. I want to check his head. He hasn't woken up."
Hailey moved around to the other side of the bed so she could see his face.
"Christ!"
He had a black eye and his jaw was dark shades of red and purple. Ethan had already added stitches to his cheek and the cut above his eye, the area around them already a dark shade of purple. His split lip didn't have stitches and had stopped bleeding, but he still had blood smeared on various areas of his face.
Hailey pursed her lips to keep from cussing a blue streak. Goddamit.
Seeing Jay's face made her rethink the bruises she saw on Adam's knuckles. She had assumed he had punched a wall…apparently that wall was Jay. She released a sigh. She had such mixed feelings. She felt for Adam, her heart broken for him and Kim, but Goddam it did she want to knock him on his ass…all of them…
After Ethan stitched up Jay's back they rolled him again. He had more blood smeared on his chest and abdomen. They had put a temporary splint on Jay's swollen right hand and Ethan lifted it above Jay's head so he couple stitch up the other hole.
"I don't think it hit his rib but we'll check…looks like it just cut a path just under the surface of the skin and across the muscle."
She nodded her head and looked at Jay, wishing he would wake up.
She got her wish a few moments later when he roused with a groan, slowly blinking his eyes open and then closing them again with a crinkled brow.
"Hey bud…you're in the ER…looks like you've had a rough go of it…"
"Mmmm…"
"Jay can you look at me…"
His eyes fluttered open and then closed again, "Hrts…"
"Ya I know…I think ya got a concussion…need to check your eyes."
Jay gave a barely there nod.
"Keep your eyes closed. I'll open them okay."
He answered with a sigh.
Ethan flicked the light across his right eye and immediately Jay's left hand came up to knock his hand away.
"Ahhhhh…"
"Sorry Jay sorry…one more…"
"Fck…"
Another flick of the light over his left eye sent more pain stabbing through his head causing him to start gagging.
Ethan and Maggie quickly rolled him to his side but there was nothing left in him to hit the emesis basin.
When they rolled him back Jay had slipped back into unconsciousness.
XXXXXXXX
She waited for Jay to come back from getting the cast on his hand. She should really update the team but didn't really want to be anywhere near them or even communicate with them, so she opted for a text to Platt.
They're putting a cast on Jay's hand now - 3 broken bones. 2 cracked ribs, more bruised, grade 2 concussion. Lots of stitches. They are keeping him here for a day or two.
Okay. Thanks Hailey. I'll let the team know.
She sighed, thinking about what Jay had gone through today physically, and what Adam, Voight and Kevin had done to him emotionally. Flipping her phone in her hands, she decided to shut it off and shut them out…better to be safe than not sorry.
XXXXXXX
When Jay came to again, it was just Hailey in his room with him. It took him a moment to get his bearings in the dimmed light. He smiled when he saw her but it immediately faded. A look of trepidation and guilt swirled on his face, his eyes begging her for forgiveness and that was pretty much her undoing.
Tears filled her eyes as her heart broke. She was so fucking pissed at everyone for abandoning Jay. She tried not to let the anger show but given the despair on Jay's face, she didn't pull it off.
She put her hand on the uninjured side of his face, "Hey! No no no! I'm not mad Jay. You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing."
He blinked, not really believing her, she probably didn't know the full story.
His voice was filled with pain, emotional more than physical, "Hail's…Kim…she…"
"Shhhh. I know. That's not your fault either. You saved Kim's life Jay. It's a horrible thing that happened but Kim would be dead if you hadn't tackled her out of the way."
Tears filled his eyes. He didn't deserve her forgiveness, anyone's, but it still eased the pain in his heart a little. He closed his eyes and let the tears escape, trailing down his face and into his hair. He was so tired. So, so tired.
She knew Jay and she knew that he didn't believe he deserved forgiveness, that he was worth their worry. There would be time to convince him with words later. Right now the best way to help him was to be there for him and that started with her holding his hand while he drifted off to sleep.
XXXXXXX
Adam sat on the edge of Kim's bed silently begging her to wake up. When she did, he couldn't help but burst into tears; love, relief, and sorrow rolled down his face in waves as he gently took Kim into his arms, her tears joining his.
When they were cried out for the moment, he lay Kim back on the bed and wiped her tears with the sheet, then wiped his own.
"How you feeling…how's the pain…do you need any pain meds?"
"I'm fine…they've got me on the good stuff."
They sat there silently for a moment, their grief temporarily set aside to bask in the gratitude that she was alive.
"Jay, is he okay?"
"Ya, baby he's okay…"
Waiting a moment, he sighed knowing he needed to confess.
"What?"
Now that he knew Kim was alright and his heart had calmed down, he couldn't stop thinking about the video and his guilt was through the roof.
He still didn't know how he could do have done anything different…his reaction. It was just that, a reaction…fear driving his actions…He knew what he did wasn't right…how he acted afterward wasn't right…but he didn't know how he could fix what he did…
"I fucked up darlin…I fucked up so bad."
XXXXXXX
Between the pain meds that weren't quite doing their job and his significant concussion, Jay woke in a world of confusion. He believed he was still asleep since Kim, who should hate him, was sitting in a wheelchair by his bed, left arm in a sling, smiling at him.
He eked out an apology with a raspy voice, "I'm sor…sorry…" the tears started leaking again when Kim touched his face and shushed him, telling him it wasn't his fault. He wanted to believe her but it didn't matter, dreams weren't reality.
"Hey man it's…"
Suddenly Adam was there behind Kim and he couldn't help but flinch even though he deserved whatever Adam wanted to dole out.
Everyone in the room saw Jay flinch when Adam stepped up to the bed and the involuntary reaction caused his pain to spike, sending him back to oblivion.
"Goddamit!"
Adam looked around at the rest of the team, "God fucking dammit!" and walked out of the room taking his fuck-up with him.
They let Adam go, knowing that he had a whole lot of emotions he needed to deal with, so they watched Jay lay peacefully in the bed, dead to the world but looking like hell with his bruised and battered face. They would be here when he woke up again, proving to him that he didn't do anything wrong, that he saved Kim's life and they weren't mad at him but until then they would use the time to stew in their own guilt.
XXXXXXX
Adam's guilt spiked as he waited for Jay to wake up, it was taking forever. He couldn't stop looking at the cuts and bruises on Jay's face knowing he had put half of them there. He shook his head at himself wishing he could have a do-over.
Three hours into Adam's snowballing guilt, Jay blinked his eyes open and scrunched his eyes at the light.
"Jay, hey man how ya doing?
He glanced at Adam and his eyes filled with tears. He looked away for a moment, then sucked in a breath and met Adam's eyes. He needed to apologize for what he did and he owed it to Adam to look him in the eye when he did it.
It came out in choked agony, "Adam, I'm so sorry…" He angrily wiped his eyes, his cheek with an unsteady hand, "Adam I'm…"
His head dropped to his chest as tears flowed. He shook his head in anger at himself for not being able to get out an apology that would never be enough, that would hardly be a drop in the bucket of what Kim and Adam deserved from him.
As devastated as Adam was, he couldn't let Jay do this to himself, Kim would be dead if not for him. Jay did nothing wrong, nothing.
"Jay, hey…look at me man…"
He lifted his head and wiped his tears, he had no right to cry…"Adam…"
"Listen to me okay, just listen…"
Jay blew out a breath and nodded his head.
"It was a fucked up situation…" He saw Jay's face twist up in despair, "Hey…you saved Kim's life Jay…she would be dead. You hearing me…sometimes doing right, doing…shit Jay, you got shot three times…sometimes no matter what we do, no matter how right…sometimes bad shit just happens…please bro…don't focus on that bad shit…focus on Kim. She's alive because of you."
"Adam…"
"No Jay…just…just shut the fuck up..."
There was no heat to his words, he just needed his friend to listen, to actually hear what he's saying.
"…hell, I should be apologizing to you…I got wrapped up…man, I hurt you…you were hurt…I saw it… in the ER…ignored it and lashed out…you didn't deserve that…didn't deserve how any of us treated you…shit Jay…"
Tears spill from his eyes, "Jay, please…I'm begging you…just let it go…the only reason…" A sob escaped Adam's lips and he paused to get his breath.
Putting his hand on Jay's shoulder, he gave it a squeeze and then finished his thought, "There will be other chances, but only because of what you did…you get that man?"
He got it, deep down he got it, but that didn't lessen the pain of it, didn't take away the pain, the loss Adam and Kim were suffering through. But he nodded his head if only to make Adam feel better.
But Adam saw right through him. He knew Jay didn't believe him yet. Adam wiped his eyes and smiled a sad smile, "I can tell…I know you don't believe that yet…but someday you will…I hope."
Then, a thought popped into his head. "Hey, c'mon, I want to show you something."
Jay shunned the wheelchair Adam offered knowing there was no way in hell he would go for it, but he had to offer. In sweats and a hoodie, ugly yellow nonslip socks completing the ensemble, Jay made the short trek down the hall with Adam beside him.
Their journey ended in front of another hospital room. Adam leaned against the wall to the left of the glass, letting Jay see what he needed to see - Kim sitting up in her bed. She was awake and alert, her head thrown back, laughing at something someone out of sight had said. She was okay.
When she tipped her head back down, she noticed Jay at the glass, smiled a grateful smile and waved to the man who had saved her life.
"See, she's okay."
Jay let his tear filled eyes wander to Adam where he leaned against the wall.
"I'll never be able to thank you enough man, never, just like you think you'll never be able to say you're sorry enough." He squeezed Jay's shoulder, "Only difference is you don't owe us an apology." Then he tipped his head and walked into Kim's room, a silent request for Jay to follow and after a brief hesitation, he did.
XXXXXXX
Thanks for reading and a big thanks to ChinVilla for your awesome support!