I'm back and better than before! :D By the way, I have changed the time stamp for the previous chapter. It should happen in the daytime, I realized, after watching the episode again. Ryuzaki's room is just super dark.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling super disoriented. When I was typing 'grateful', I experienced a moment of doubt. Like, was I spelling this correctly? Because I just thought of a grater full of cheese. =.=

It's another short chapter, but it seemed an appropriate place to end.

Thanks so much for reading, kudo-ing/favoriting, subscribing and commenting/reviewing.

Chapter 19: Inexorable

June 1, 2004; ~16 00

L, that bastard! Light gritted his teeth, though he was careful not to deviate too much from the mildly hopeful, trusting expression he had on his face. Knowing that bastard, he would've had surveillance devices in the room. 'We can't do something so immoral', indeed! Light would bet that wasn't what the bastard was thinking. That bastard would've liked to put him behind bars, in solitary confinement, to be watched twenty-four seven. That bastard would've liked nothing better than to punish Light for not giving him the evidence that would support his suspicion, and his overconfidence should have allowed him to take the bait.

Instead, he'd taken everything Light had on him, including the watch with the Death Note paper. Bastard!

Light let out a breath, bringing himself back from the brink of hysteria. If he wasn't careful, he'd start throwing things, and he couldn't have that. Light supposed the task force still had more influence over L's decisions than he'd thought. That might have been a small miscalculation in his plan. Just how much influence did Ryuzaki hold over the task force? That was still something he found difficult to gauge, as Ryuzaki often just sat there in the center of the room like a bleached, overgrown spider, saying and doing nothing that would really give him much.

But Light really thought he'd had Ryuzaki there. Still, no matter. He could work around that. His plan had been to gain Ryuzaki's trust through his memoryless self, as he knew he'd want to catch Kira. In the process, he would have hopefully integrated himself into the task force through his talents, putting himself in good stead once he regained his memories. Having L put him into confinement would have cast doubt on L's abilities as a detective and his morality as a figure of power. His memoryless self would have been able to capitalize on that distrust, particularly since he would present as someone who could match L in ability, but who was more benevolent and cooperative.

No matter. Light had already made it so that any little developments would not affect the plan's effectiveness. He still didn't have the Notebook with him, so he couldn't kill, anyway. He might not be in confinement, but L's move to place him in handcuffs round the clock would surely rub some of the task force members the wrong way as they slowly forgot about the even less humanizing alternative. Light would need to kill the Third Kira to regain ownership and therefore, fully retain his memories, otherwise he would forget his memories the moment he let go of the Death Note. Well, L did not know about the Notebook's ability to kill even through a piece of its paper. He was sure he could gain Ryuzaki's trust and find an opportunity to use the Death Note once he had it in his hands. If not, he was reasonably confident that he could bluff his way into holding on to the Note.

He could not liaise with Rem to change the plan, nor would it benefit him to do so. Ryuk had mentioned that a human Death Note owner would lose their memories anyway if they were parted from their Note for a time, though how long that would take, the gormless Shinigami didn't know. Apples were wasted on him. Then again, he supposed he couldn't expect much from Shinigami. From what Ryuk had told him of them, they didn't even have a proper society and spent most of their time in unproductive endeavors, decaying from the very inanity of their existence. Useless.

He could either work to regain the Note as soon as he could, retaining his memories but forfeiting the very purpose of his plan in the first place, or he could proceed and take the risks, adapting as needed.

Now he just needed to decide on a good time to forfeit the Note.

Much as it galled him to admit it, even to himself, L currently had the upper hand. But it wouldn't be so for long.

I'll gain your trust, then gain control of the task force and dethrone you, L. You'll see.

With a heavy heart, Yagami Soichiro did the necessary. He called up To-Oh, requesting a year's leave of absence for his son. He went home early and played his part to perfection, ranting about Light having suddenly come to his office and told him about his improper choice of girlfriend, and about his utter disappointment and disapproval at his son's romantic partner. Powering on past the shock and dismay of the women in his household, he announced that Light had decided to move in with his girlfriend and would henceforth be kicked out from the household, forbidden to come back for so much as a cup of coffee.

He was panting by the time he had finished his rant, and the women were in tears. By gads, he was far too old for this, but it had to be done. He had the utmost trust in his son, and in his job. He was doing his duty as the Police Chief and as a father, for this was the best course of action: for his son to prove himself to them all, and for the real Kira to be caught.

Soichiro had always had a high opinion and respect for L, no, Ryuzaki, as he wished to be addressed. And now, he was immensely grateful that Ryuzaki had not immediately seized on Light's suggestion to be placed in solitary confinement. What had Light been thinking? He had been acting so emotionally, so distraughtly, in a manner that was completely out of character for him. Had the Kira case put that much pressure on his son?

Even as a young boy, Light never complained about anything and almost always handled everything by himself, sometimes with an approach that Soichiro had not previously conceived of, which led to much more favorable outcomes than Soichiro himself could have foreseen. Light, along with Sayu, were his pride and joy, just as much as his job was. And Sachiko… he could not have had all of this without his beautiful gem of a wife.

Sachiko had the magical ability to show up as whatever he most needed. He had met her at the lowest point of his life – his career as a law enforcer had not taken off, then, due to a supervisor that had seen fit to sabotage him at every turn, he had begun to doubt his ability to perform due to his congenital heart condition, and he had begun to question the actual usefulness of his job. What was the point of him risking everything – his life, his social life, his reputation - catching criminals, when they were usually released due to lack of evidence, free to continue wreaking misery upon the general population? Soichiro had stayed back, drinking heavily, as his colleagues had elected, one by one, to leave. That was the most alone he had ever felt in his life.

Sachiko, then his bartender, had cleaned him up, bundled him into a cab, and brought him back home before he could disgrace himself further.

It had started as an act of gratitude – he'd gone back to pay her back for the cab fare. But then he found himself going back again and again just to look at her, just for a chance to talk to her. Luckily for him, she had seemed to reciprocate his interest, and he soon found himself captivated by her wit, sneakiness and sense of humor.

She had worked a number of odd, interesting jobs, and always had an interesting story to tell. As the middle child of a large family, Sachiko knew how to take charge, but she also knew how to step back and keep the peace. She had always been such a resourceful person, and she was a great cook and planner. He didn't know when, but bit by bit, he found himself unable to conceive of a future without Sachiko in it.

His dear Sachiko had given him two wonderful children. The day Light was born, it was like a fire had been lit inside him, and he knew he had to do better for his family. Whether or not criminals were incarcerated or let free, he was doing what he could to ensure a safe world for all of them, to earn enough for them all to live comfortably, and to secure a bright future for their children.

He did not regret putting all his energy into work, for he knew his wife could hold down the fort and bring up their children properly, but he did regret that he hadn't much time to spend with them and consequently, did not understand them as much as he would like. Well, Light, in particular. That boy was principled, devoted to family, a good son and student. However, he had inherited some of Sachiko's inscrutability.

Still, Soichiro vowed, he would protect his son. And he would do so within the confines of the law. There was hope, for even Amane Misa, despite concrete evidence pointing to her having been the Second Kira, had been released from confinement and was currently housed in one of the hotel rooms. Ryuzaki was a reasonable person, despite his extreme-seeming methods.

And if Light really were the first K-

No. He had brought Light up better than that. Even in the unlikely scenario that Light had been the first Kira, he would've given this endeavor up almost immediately and turned himself in- No, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. That was the kind of person Soichiro had chosen to raise Light to be. So, he would see this through with his son, and they would catch the real Kira.

AN: Maybe this isn't the place to put this, as it isn't relevant to the story, but I had some thoughts and don't own a blog.

You know how the person I'm reporting to is all passive-aggressive and abusive? Well, I just didn't engage and now he doesn't really look me in the eye, because he knows that he isn't as magnanimous as he wants people to think he is, and he knows I have borne witness to that crack in his mask, even if I don't do anything nor actively judge him for it. But that's not the point.

My point is that nearly everyone wants to be good, whatever that means to them, and one of the most effective ways to surrender one's personal power/esteem is to know acutely that one is not living up to that arbitrary standard of goodness. That's why, if one wants to be a certain type of person, it might be better to work to actually be that kind of person. It might be more efficient to channel energy appropriately towards the real deal rather than waste that energy trying to portray a certain image but then feel bad privately knowing that one actually isn't who they pretend to be, because the latter isn't an easy position to be in. Well, both situations aren't easy; I myself would know, but I see recourse only for one of them.

I mean, we kind of see that also in Light's situation, right? His first killing was a mistake, and then he had to construct this whole ideology to convince everyone, including himself, that this was not a mistake and that he was trying to do something good and revolutionary. It would've been much better for Light to have admitted his mistake to himself and vow to be a better person, the best sort of person to society, and then apply his genius to improving things. But then we wouldn't have a story.

Many people are afraid of trying because they think it's pathetic if they do their utmost and still fail. But honestly, I see no shame for someone to be genuinely trying to improve themselves to become the kind of person they know they can be, and even the fact that they are embarking on that journey for self-improvement can and should become a source of self-esteem. Even if they backslide. Even if they stop halfway and it takes some other form of inspiration for them to redouble their efforts. Self-improvement is a continuous process that ends only the day a person dies.