3
She knew what a bed was but she didn't really know until she was sitting on one, in a white room that looked a little like her world – but not.
She was full of words she knew but only remembered the meaning of when she was confronted with them.
Doctor was one of them.
Doctor meant the person was supposed to help, to heal, but she couldn't help the thought that doctors also hurt sometimes and that was why she stared at the blond man who checked the injuries on her legs with wariness. If Haymitch hadn't been sitting right behind her, his arms still around her waist, she would probably have bolted again.
The only other person in the room save from them and the doctor was a blond middle-age woman who looked just as tired as she felt. The woman had smiled at her sadly when she had arrived, calling her Miss Trinket like the doctor did, and she hadn't missed the way Haymitch's body had relaxed at her appearance. She wasn't sure she liked that.
Aster, he had called her.
Names were important and she tried to remember. She tried.
"Just scrapes and bruises." the doctor finally declared when he finished smearing some sort of cream on a scabbed graze. "I saw welts on her back earlier, before she ran away, though. They looked healed but one or two seemed infected, I want to check them."
Aster was already moving, rolling a tray full of instruments closer to the doctor.
Haymitch's arms loosened around her. "Can you turn around for the doc, sweetheart?"
She didn't like the idea of turning her back to the man. He hadn't hurt her yet but it hadn't escaped her notice he always addressed Haymitch rather than her. His eyes glazed over her as if she wasn't there and…
"Maybe you should wait outside for this?" the doctor suggested a little awkwardly. "I need the gown off at least halfway."
Her head hurt less – because of the needle in the crook of her arm that filled her with… stuff; Aster had explained even though she didn't really remember what she had said – but it still felt like it was about to burst. She knew one thing only and that was that she didn't want Haymitch to wait anywhere that wasn't here with her. She tightened her grip on his arms, straining her neck to look at him with pleading eyes.
"I'm staying." he said immediately, gently pushing her hair away from her face. He did that a lot. It was so tangled and heavy and all over the place that it kept falling back in front of her eyes. "I promised I wasn't leaving, princess. I ain't." His grey eyes darted away from her and toward the doctor. "Nothing I haven't seen before anyway. It's fine."
The doctor didn't seem entirely convinced but Aster cleared her throat. "She's clearly still terrified. Haymitch's presence seems to help keep her calm…"
"Yes." The doctor sighed, a little dismissive of her. "Yes… Alright. Please, turn her around so I can get access to her back."
It hadn't hurt much when he had taken care of her legs but this hurt a lot. The words they all exchanged flew over her head. Infected, pus, drain… All she knew was that the man did something and it hurt and Haymitch's hand coiled around her nape and stayed there as he whispered again and again that it was almost over and that she would be alright in her ear. She buried her face in his throat and breathed him in.
His hand remained on her nape.
She liked that.
It had weight but it wasn't heavy.
It was comforting.
It made her mind itch at the back but she couldn't figure out what that meant.
She wasn't sure how long this lasted. The pain on her back was sharp but the thing in her elbow dulled it a little and she was so exhausted… Haymitch's voice lulled her to sleep.
She drifted off a little.
"Don't let her fall asleep, Mr Abernathy. Her pupils are a little more reactive now but I don't want to take any chance. Mrs Everdeen, see if they're done with Mellark and if the CT is free now. Oh, and call the lab and make sure they know to do the blood tests as a matter of priority." the doctor ordered.
Haymitch's hand left her nape, fixed the gown so she was covered again, gently moved her, quietly telling her she couldn't sleep yet…
She wasn't sure she wanted to go to sleep anyway.
This wasn't her world.
And the boy wasn't there.
"Do you want us to take out a rape kit?" the doctor asked, as if in an afterthought.
She wasn't sure what those words meant but she instinctively brought her legs up, curling up into Haymitch, hugging her knees to her chest…
"No." he said immediately, his arms protectively tightening around her. There was a beat of silence. "Why? You think she's been…"
"I don't see anything alarming at first glance but I haven't looked closely." the doctor cut him off. "If you're acting as her next of kin, a thorough exam would…"
She curled up tighter.
"No." Haymitch interrupted quickly. "No… She's not… It's too invasive. She can… She can talk about it later if… She doesn't need more…"
He sounded lost and he looked up at Aster as if for guidance. The woman gave him a tight-lips smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"She doesn't need that on top of everything else." Aster agreed, moving to a phone on the wall to inquire about CTs and labs and…
She relaxed.
"Miss Trinket." the doctor said after clearing his throat. "I need to ask you questions now."
"She doesn't speak." Haymitch countered quietly, resting his cheek against her forehead. "Hasn't made a pip since we found her. Ain't like her. Ain't like her at all…"
He sounded so pained by this that she drew back to look at him. He looked so tired, she thought, so sad. She reached out without thinking, running her palm against his scrubby cheek, enjoying the scratchy feeling of his facial hair against her soft skin… It reminded her of…
Pain flashed behind her eyes and she lost the thread…
He distractedly turned his head to press a kiss to the inside of her wrist before covering her hand with his and bringing it back down to her lap.
"You should check…" he continued, his voice a little raw. "You should check her mouth. Her tongue…"
The doctor did as he was bidden and she didn't like that at all. She didn't like it when he forced her mouth open to flash a light in it. She didn't like it when he poked and probed inside her cheeks, on her tongue… It was all she could do not to bite.
"She hasn't been made an Avox." the doctor declared and the tension left Haymitch's body in a great breath.
"Why isn't she speaking, then?" he insisted.
"She's been through a lot, Haymitch. Give her time to get her bearings." Aster said softly. "They need twenty more minutes before we can use the CT. They've got Johanna Mason in there now."
The doctor acknowledged that with a nod but he was studying her, clearly deep in thoughts.
"Trauma could explain things." he suggested eventually. "Some people… They just shut down faced with situations they cannot handle. They stop talking. They retreat within themselves. They stop themselves from remembering difficult things…"
"Please." Haymitch scoffed. "She was in Peeta's cell. What are the chances of her amnesia being from trauma?"
The doctor made a face but didn't contradict him. "Let's rule out the possibility of a head injury first. Once that's out of the way we can give her stronger painkillers, sedate her so she can get some proper rest… This might all be a side effect from a nasty blow or even exhaustion. She's dehydrated and malnourished, that could play a part."
"And if it's not?" Haymitch challenged.
"If it's not, we figure it out." the man countered. "Miss Trinket, please, try to stay awake."
The doctor touched her arm and she badly startled, almost flinging herself on Haymitch's lap to escape the unwanted contact. She hadn't meant to close her eyes. She hadn't meant to…
"Easy, princess." Haymitch coaxed. "Easy. You're safe. I've got you."
Her heart was racing and she was so tired…
"Miss Trinket, do you feel up to try to answer a few questions?" the doctor asked in a voice that was meant to be soothing but that made her feel like a child. Had she ever been a child? Or had she popped into existence in the white room with the weeping boy already adult? "I understand you do not feel up to speaking just yet but yes or no will do for now… Is that okay?"
Haymitch nudged her when she didn't answer so she made an effort to fight the fog in her mind and she nodded.
It was difficult to interact.
Difficult to force herself to remember people interacted and she belonged to the people category.
Difficult to stay in the now.
"Alright." the doctor said in that same soothing voice. "Obviously, you understand us. Do you understand everything we are saying?"
Honesty is rarely the best policy, Euphemia a shrill voice reminded her in a cold tone at the back of her mind. It was gone before she could properly grasp the words. Like a shooting star. A painful burning shooting star.
Had she ever seen a real shooting star? It must have been beautiful.
She wanted to see a shooting star.
She wanted…
"Effie." Haymitch's voice called her back to earth and she thought the original question over: did she understand everything they were saying? She was so exhausted. She shook her head no. "It's alright." Haymitch said at once, pressing a kiss against her dirty tangled hair. "You're very tired, it's okay."
"Are you in a lot pain?" the doctor asked next.
She wasn't sure what pain consisted of. She knew pain. Her body remembered even if her mind didn't seem to be able to decipher the causes of the pain. She didn't know how she had been hurt but she knew what being hurt was. She knew her body wasn't entirely free from it. She also knew she had been in worse states. Somehow. At some point.
She shrugged.
The doctor didn't seem to like that. "As soon as I'm sure your head is fine, I will give you something to ease the pain. You'll be more comfortable. You just need to be brave a little while longer."
"Do you remember anything at all about yourself?" Haymitch cut in.
She remembered she liked her calm world with its white velvety walls. She remembered how it felt to lie on the cold hard floor. She remembered staring at the high ceiling and wondering if it was smooth to the touch or if it was cold too. She remembered wanting to cross the room to go to the boy. She remembered…
Somehow, she was certain it wasn't what Haymitch was after.
He wanted her to remember about Effie Trinket.
She didn't know who Effie Trinket was.
Maybe it was all a mistake and he was confusing her with someone else. Maybe he would put her back in the white room when he realized. She felt a little sorry about that, about losing his arms around her and his gentle voice in her ear, but she also wanted back into her room. Her room was safe and familiar. And this…
Again she shrugged.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked with a hint of despair.
She shook her head no but burrowed closer to him, hoping he would stop questioning her. She was tired. So tired…
The door opened without any knocks to announce an intruder and she startled again, instinctively scrambling back toward the headboard… Haymitch's arms had loosened enough that she managed to escape his embrace…
It was only the plump man though.
"Plutarch." Haymitch spat. "Don't barge in her room like that. You spooked her, for fuck's sake!"
Plutarch.
She committed the name to memory.
Whatever of that she had left.
It wasn't very nice to keep calling him the plump man, was it? It wasn't very polite.
Her head was spinning again, throbbing fiercely with thoughts that she couldn't grasp or make sense of.
"My apologies." the plump… Plutarch winced. "Peeta's doctors are ready to brief us and Katniss won't be out for much longer, I thought you would like to know."
"How is she?" Aster immediately asked.
"Fine, do not worry." Plutarch promised, patting her arm. "She will recover in no time. Young Primrose is sitting with her for now. But Haymitch… I thought you should talk to the doctors with me. And then you can explain the situation to Katniss… You handle her better than any of us so…"
She didn't follow much of that exchange but she got the general drift and she fisted Haymitch's shirt before he could even think of moving, panicked at the thought of being left alone in a place that wasn't her room, with someone who wasn't her boy.
Haymitch made a face, clearly torn.
"Haymitch." Plutarch said, a little more firmly. "I understand you feel… conflicted right now but the rebellion has to come first and Miss Trinket will get the best of care in your absence."
"I will stay with her." Aster offered, flashing him a sad smile. "Katniss will want to see you more than she will want to see me anyway."
Haymitch rolled his eyes and scoffed. "You're all very quick to forget that girl decided she hated my guts until not long ago."
She didn't like the way the conversation was going. She wrapped her arms around Haymitch more tightly, trapping him with his back to her chest…
"Miss Trinket…" the doctor tried to intervene.
"Sweetheart…" Haymitch sighed, easily freeing himself from her weak grip. "I'm gonna be back real quick, okay? I just… They're right, I need to go for a while. Aster's gonna stay with you…"
She shook her head no, tears she didn't even try to repress spilling out. The idea of being left alone without him there to keep her safe like he had promised terrified her. She was panicking again.
What if someone took her away?
What if she was brought back to her white world and he couldn't find his way back to her?
What if…
What if…
Her skull was splitting in two and he escaped her fingers without difficulties. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm gonna come back as quick as I can, I promise. I promise. I need to check on the kids."
What kids?
Why were they more important than her?
She needed…
She needed…
She tried to grab him but he was already out of reach and Aster was standing right next to her and holding her back by her shoulder and…
Panic made her heart beat so fast in her chest she felt like it was going to burst. She wasn't sure what would explode first: her head or her ribcage? She was vaguely aware that the doctor was now looking all concerned, she was vaguely aware that there was a machine beeping like crazy in time with her racing heartbeat, she was vaguely aware Plutarch was trying to convince Haymitch to leave the room and looked about ready to drag him out when he glanced back at her with concern…
The fog in her head was oppressing and she wasn't sure the pained whimpers that filled her ears were from that pressure or because she didn't want to be left alone again, she didn't want to…
She fought Aster's and the doctor's hands, didn't hear a single of their reassuring words, didn't…
She needed…
"Haymitch!" The fog parted as if it had been slashed with a searing blade. It settled right back immediately and she couldn't tell up from down or right from left or even what right and left were but she knew how to make her throat work now and she made it work again and again. "Haymitch! Haymitch!"
Her broken cries brought him back to her and that was all that mattered.
His arms around her, his smell surrounding her, his shirt bundled between her fingers…
"Haymitch." she said again, her voice rough from disuse, croaky and unsteady. "Haymitch…"
"I'm here." he shushed her, sounding a little rough himself. "I'm right here. Stop crying. Please, princess, you know I hate it when you cry… Come on, stop crying, sweetheart…"
Don't leave me, she wanted to say.
But that was a lot to ask from her throbbing brain and her sore throat so she just clung to him harder. He dropped light kisses on the top of her head, on her cheeks, on her neck, on the corner of her mouth…
It should have been too much.
It was a little too much.
But it was also the first time she felt she could properly breathe.
"I need to go." he whispered once she was calmer. "I'm sorry, Effie, I am, but I need to go. You'd want me to if you remembered. The girl needs me right now… " He sighed, cupped her cheek to gently tilt her head back and pressed his forehead against hers. "Maybe not more than you do, true… But she's ours, Effie. And our kids always come first. That's the way we roll, you and I, the kids have to come first…"
She didn't understand anything of what he was saying but that word… That word she liked. It was a small word. One that rolled easily from her lips. "Ours…"
"Yeah." He drew back only long enough to press a long kiss on her forehead. "I've gotta go make sure our girl's alright. Then I'm gonna be back, I swear. Okay?" He wrapped the discarded woolen jacket back around her. "I'm gonna be back before you know it. You won't even have time to miss me."
She didn't like it.
She didn't like it.
But something was theirs and needed him and…
She closed her eyes and pressed the heels of her hands against her eyelids because her head was killing her and sometimes pressure helped.
She didn't close her eyes quickly enough not to see how embarrassed Haymitch looked. The back of his neck and his ears were bright red, he had a defiant expression on his face when he turned toward Plutarch…
She didn't watch him leave.
She didn't think she could bear it.
Not without screaming and making a fool of herself again.
She kept her eyes mostly closed and pretended nothing was happening. That she wasn't being moved on a rolling bed. That people didn't stare. That…
There were tests.
They had her lie down in something with blinking lights and flashing texts she couldn't read and then Aster helped her up and the doctor said she wasn't bleeding inside her head which, admittedly, sounded better than the alternative.
They kept probing at her though.
"Here, see?" the doctor told Aster, sounding a little excited as he held up a fistful of her hair on the right side of her head. He wasn't hurting her, he was very careful not to tug at the roots, but she still didn't like it. She hadn't minded it when Haymitch had touched her hair but, from the doctor, it felt like an imposition. And he kept talking and talking over her head as if she wasn't there at all and… "Do you see the scar?"
Aster's finger lightly retraced a short line behind her right ear and she shivered, instinctively twisting away from the two of them.
"Sorry." the woman immediately apologized, lifting both hands in the air.
She watched them warily, ready to bolt at the smallest sign of aggression.
"Bear with me a little longer, Miss Trinket." the doctor pleaded as he directed his flashlight straight in her eyes for what must have been the thousandth time. She flinched like she had every single time before.
"Haymitch." she whispered, turning pleading eyes toward Aster.
"He's with my daughter." the woman reminded her in a soft voice. "He'll be back as soon as he can."
Her daughter.
How could the girl be theirs if she was Aster's daughter?
It was confusing.
Everything was confusing and she retreated inside herself because everything was too much.
They kept asking her questions she didn't understand.
She shook her head.
"I don't know." The words spilled past her lips with terrifying speed. They left her with dread, those words, and she didn't understand why. She wasn't sure how many times she repeated them. She wasn't even hearing the questions anymore. Every time they spoke she answered with that sentence, getting more and more worked up until she simply couldn't bear it anymore and she pressed her hands against her ears, screaming at the top of her lungs. "I don't know! I don't know! I don't know anything!"
She didn't see the syringe but she felt its sharp stab on her neck.
Then it all faded to black.
So much for Haymitch promising never to leave her XD Poor Effie's day isn't getting any better. Do you think we made progress? How sad is it that she can't properly appreciate Haymitch's public demonstrations? What are your thoughts? Let me know!