4.
When she woke up, it was to the somewhat familiar beeping of a machine to her right.
Her heartbeat.
It was regular, slow.
She realized she must have been in a lot of pain before because her body wasn't screaming at her anymore. She felt good. Warm. Not thirsty. Not hungry. No aches anywhere.
"How's the head?"
The question took her by surprise but she didn't panic at the unexpected presence. She felt too good, too… peaceful. Her skull didn't feel like it was about to burst, the fog in her mind wasn't so debilitating…
And Haymitch's thumb was drawing random patterns on her palm.
It took a moment for her eyes to focus on him. She was in the same room as before but it was semi-dark now. She wasn't sure how long had passed but she could tell it had been a while. Haymitch wasn't wearing the same clothes and he looked exhausted sitting there on that uncomfortable plastic chair. More exhausted than before. He looked sad too.
It took her another moment to process the question.
"Fuzzy." she answered without thinking.
She was happy that the word came to her though, happy that she didn't have to strain to produce coherent sounds…
"Yeah, no kidding." He snorted but there was no mirth in it, no genuine amusement. "They broke out the good shit for you. You're hooked on morphling."
She didn't know what that meant and she was too tired to figure it out. She turned on her side, facing him, so she could watch him better. She didn't try to take her hand away from his though. She liked that he was touching her. It felt good. Comforting.
"You've been sleeping almost twenty-four hours." he told her without prompting. "You're probably gonna sleep a lot for a couple more days. It's the painkillers. It's good for you, your body's hurt, it needs the rest."
She blinked tiredly, trying to remain awake because she could feel the drugs trying to make her slip under again. Her head was heavy but not in a bad way. It was better than the incessant headaches, better than the fog that dulled her mind. "Stay?"
His lips twitched into a brief smirk. It was sad too. "I don't know if I should, princess."
That made her frown and she clutched his hand as best as she could with her body being so limp from the morphling.
"Stay." she insisted, her voice growing desperate, scared.
"Okay, okay." he immediately agreed. "I'll be here as much as I can." Her frown deepened and he sighed. "That's the best I can do, Effie. We're on thin ice, you and I. I've got you immunity but Coin ain't happy about it and she ain't happy I'm so fucking distracted either." He let out another sigh and rubbed his face with his free hand. "Snow got what he wanted, I guess."
"Who…" she tried.
"Never mind that." he dismissed. "I promised I wouldn't overwhelm you or whatever." He rubbed his eyes. "I've gotta ask… You still don't remember anything, yeah?"
She tried.
She was tired but her head didn't feel like exploding and her body wasn't aching and she was warm and safe and felt alright… She tried. She tried to search her mind but aside for that itching spot at the back… There was nothing. Nothing at all. She remembered waking up in that white velvety room and she remembered the boy.
The boy.
"Boy." she whispered.
"Peeta's fine." Haymitch offered and then winced. "Well, no, he ain't. They fucked up with his brain too but… Physically, he's fine. We've got him safe. We got him help… We just have to wait and see for now." His thumb stilled on her hand and he looked away. "They think with therapy, it's possible we can get him back. He's been conditioned, they experimented on him, but… The doctors think it can be reversed. Or controlled at least, I don't know…"
There was so much underlying pain in his voice, so many things he wasn't actually saying…
Things she heard anyway.
"Me?" she asked.
He swallowed. Hard. And, when he looked back at her, his eyes were glistening a little. "You're another story, sweetheart. They didn't try to brainwash you the same way they did Peeta, there's no trace of tracker-jacker venom in your system." She didn't know what that meant so she squeezed his hand once. He licked his lips, his gaze searching hers with a hint of despair, looking again for a spark of recognition, she supposed… "They poisoned the boy's memories, highjacked them… They turned him into a mutt, basically, a weapon against Katniss. What they did to you… It's different."
Weapon.
She didn't want to be a weapon.
She didn't…
"The doc says…" he continued, hesitantly reaching for her face. He did it slowly but she wasn't sure she would have startled even if he had been more brutal. She didn't feel panicky anymore. Perhaps it was the drugs in her system or perhaps she trusted him. He pushed her hair back and found the scar behind her ear that had so fascinated the doctor and Aster earlier. He traced it with the tip of his finger. It was a short line, clean. "You've had neurosurgery. If you can call it that."
He scoffed, his face turning a little frightening. The expression on his features was dark and foreboding…
"Angry?" she asked in a small voice. She wasn't sure what she had done to…
"Not with you." he answered quickly, cupping her cheek. "Not with you." He watched her for a few seconds and then took his hand away, shaking his head. He would have let go of her hand too if she hadn't been clinging to it with all her strength. He tugged but she held fast and, in the end, he relented. "They erased you, Effie. They wiped everything away. Seems like the Capitol's been experimenting with brains for a while now… The doc says… It's like rebooting a computer, whatever that shit means. You're a clean slate. All brand new." He closed his eyes, let his head fall back. She watched his Adam's apple work as he swallowed hard again. "They're gonna try a few things, hypnosis and stuff, but they told me it's not likely you're ever gonna remember anything from your life before. The Capitol murdered you without killing you. And it's all my fault."
He bowed his head at that last ominous pronouncement.
"Why?" she whispered.
She wasn't certain how she felt about her mind being erased, about being murdered without being killed. Between how exhausted she was and the morphling, she didn't feel much of anything truthfully. But she didn't like seeing Haymitch so defeated. She didn't like how tired and sad and desperate he looked.
"Why?" He scowled. "Cause I was stupid enough to get attached. Cause I was stupid enough to think they wouldn't catch up on us. Cause... Cause I should have known those fucking tokens would come back to bite us in the ass." He shook his head, forcefully snatched his hand way from hers to hide his face in what was obviously a guilty sort of shame. "Cause I should have told Plutarch to go fuck himself with his plan and kept you with me. You should have been on that fucking hovercraft with me. I shouldn't have trusted a fucking Gamemaker to keep you safe. He was supposed to get you out and look where we fucking are… If I had…"
His sentence trailed off without him finishing it.
She had to stretch her arm to reach his wrist and force one of his hands away from his face. She had to struggle with him a little to keep a hold of his fingers.
Eventually, he relented and met her eyes, his features twisted in agonizing anguish.
"Too many fucks." She shook her head. "Don't like that."
For a second she thought he would actually dissolve into tears. His eyes were too bright and his jaw was so clenched…
"Good." he croaked after a moment. He dragged his chair closer to the bed so he could pet her hair with the hand she wasn't gripping. It was hard work because it was all tangled and heavy and, she was fairly certain, dirty. "The doctor says there's stuff you're gonna remember how to do by yourself and there's stuff you're gonna have to relearn, there are sparks of you that must still be in there too. Your personality… Didn't really get the whole scientific mumbo-jumbo but… You can't totally wipe a brain clean or whatever. There's some stuff that's buried too deep in you."
That seemed like a good thing.
She studied him silently while he tried and failed to untangle strands of her hair.
"Obviously, you've got the speaking back." he continued after a minute.
"Hard." she murmured.
His lips stretched into a stiff half-smile. "Yeah. It's gonna come back all the way, don't worry. You've got the basics, I'm pretty sure you're gonna be back to talking like a damn princess very soon."
"Language." she chided without thinking it through.
His features scrunched with pain again, as if she had hit him.
Slowly, very slowly, he bowed in two until his head was on the bed, very much pressed against her stomach.
"I'm sorry, princess. I'm so fucking sorry." he mumbled, his voice broken. "I miss you. I've been missing you since I've kissed you goodbye. I'm a fucking idiot. When Plutarch told me you were gone… Fuck, I'm an idiot. I should have figured it out before… I should have… This is all my fucking fault… If I had stayed clear of you… If I had never touched you… Everyone I touch…"
Not quite certain what to do, she rested her hand on the back of his head, running her fingers through his hair like he had done for her. He let out a strangled noise.
"I should go and never come back." he muttered after a few minutes. "I should leave you alone cause all I've ever done was fucking hurt you. You can have a fresh start, a whole new life without me to taint it…"
"No." she snapped, quickly and decisively.
He looked up at her with a frown. "You don't know what you're saying. You…"
"No." she hissed again.
He tilted his head to the side, his frown deepening, a hint of hope in his eyes… "Do you remember something, sweetheart? Do you remember anything about me?"
Did she?
There was this itch at the back of her mind, that itch that could make her insane if she focused too long on it…
Did she?
Nothing came. Nothing but the memory of how instantly relaxed she had been in his arms, of what a relief it had been when he had gathered her close to his chest and promised he wouldn't let go ever again…
"Safe." she whispered, her fingers sliding from the back of his head to coil around his nape. "Safe."
His face fell but he didn't try to escape her hand again. "You say that cause I'm the first person you had a positive interaction with. That's what the doctor says. You imprinted on me or some bullshit."
"Bullshit." she agreed, testing the word out and ending up making a face because she didn't like it. Vulgar. "Safe. I feel it. Here." She brought his hand to her ribcage, under her breasts and pressed it not too far from where he had buried his head not too long ago. "I feel it."
A lot of emotions flashed over his face but she couldn't name them all.
Her eyelids were drooping again and she didn't try to fight it.
"Maybe your body remembers it trusts me…" he mused. "They said your body will remember stuff even if your mind won't… Like walking or…"
"Stay." she mumbled, their linked hands still pressed against her stomach.
"Yeah." he agreed immediately. "Yeah, sure, princess. I'm gonna stay."
"Keep me safe." she muttered, drifting off.
"Always." he vowed. "I'm gonna be better at it this time around. I'm gonna kill them all for you if that's what it takes."
She felt the ghost of a kiss on her forehead and then she was out like a light.
Hello! I hope there aren't too many mistakes, my head is still not totally in the game. I hope you enjoyed this chapter all the same! Who wants to give Haymitch a hug? I know I do!
This story (as well as HADS) is going on hiatus for 2 weeks as I'm going to publish a Christmas story from Monday 13th to Friday 24th. It will be a chapter a day, it has fake dating, the mandatory "gasp there was only one bed" and it's basically a lot of crack and silly situations. So look out for "Operation Grinch"!