Erik's return to the mansion was not what I had expected at all. The entire day I had schemed with Meg on how to best proceed without raising any suspicions, but it had all been in vain, for I wasn't even ready for him. He slipped into the house with the stealth of a burglar and when I came to greet him, he had an ear pierce in, and the man held a finger up to me and made way straight to his office. He held he held his finger up to me and looked at me as if I was the most unwanted, annoying, creature on the face of the planet. How was I not to take that personally? He couldn't have known, could he? Logically, I knew that whatever was going on the other end of the phone call was the thing that was causing him distress, however, emotionally, I had expectations of how I was to charm the pants off him, and he was ruining it. I audibly huffed and stomped away; this was proving to be harder than I thought.
What annoyed me more was that he didn't immediately hang up that phone and take me in. I went to a lot of trouble of looking especially cute and he didn't even spare me a moment. We had spent the day making sure my hair and makeup was on point, that my sun dress was revealing enough but not too much to make it seem like I was trying too hard. This only meant that this evening was going to be ruined with his sour mood; I may as well be in sweatpants.
I didn't know what to do with myself, I just found myself pacing in front of his office door that was not fully shut. So lost in my thoughts I hadn't noticed that it had been silent, in fact it was Erik's voice that called me back to the present, "Christine, come in here,"
I took that as my cue to enter, "Yes, Erik?" I asked cautiously.
"Why are you dancing outside of my office?" I felt an embarrassed blush appear on my neck.
Wringing my hands together, "I just wanted to see if you were ok." It was truthful enough.
He eyed me up and down and not in the way that I had wanted. He was suspicious. Exhaling deeply, he responded with, "You concern is sweet; however, I don't like curious women." He set his eyes down to his laptop and began to focus on it.
There it was again, that feeling of being dismissed. I wanted nothing more than to flee from that room and die of embarrassment, but I knew I could not let him get to me like that. So, I did the opposite of running out of the room, I marched right up to his desk. He looked at me whether with shock or annoyance, it was undiscernible but regardless I gently closed the damn thing and settled myself on top of his desk. He leaned back in his chair. I think maybe I had impressed him not allowing him to strike fear into me, "Now let's try this again," I said sweetly. "Welcome home, dear." And that was when I got his lips to curl ever so slightly. Now he was looking at me, exactly the way I wanted. Good boy.
"I must beg your forgiveness, my dear," he raised his arms over his head, his hands now cradling the back of his head. "Contrary to my actions, I am quite happy to see you." The emphasis on "happy" did not go unnoticed.
This was too easy, "I think I might enjoy that," he cocked his head to the side, questioning my meaning. "You, begging."
And just like that he was an entirely new person, the ice had melted, and the walls had come down. He let out a deep throated laugh and I raised my eyebrows at him, awaiting his response, "I suppose I walked into that one." He mused. "Well, then, for my serious transgression of not greeting you properly, what can I do to make it up to you?" He then leaned forward, hands on his knees looking up at me from where I was perched on the desk.
"You could start by arranging some dinner for us, I am wasting away over here." I said with a dramatic flair. He seemed disappointed that I hadn't taken his advance any further, but I was in fact hungry and since the mood was now lightened, might as well get what I wanted out of tonight.
"Oh, Miss Daae, but of course, another transgression on my part. I ignore you and make you wait for dinner." he mimicked my tone, although his golden voice was far more musical than my own. "I am truly a villain; I do not deserve to kiss your feet."
He tried to get up, but I stopped him, pushing him back down with my extended leg, "Actually," I dared. "I believe you do."
Without hesitation he took a hold of my foot and brought it to his lips, peppering the top of my foot with the lightest of kisses. A girl could get used to this. I won't lie to myself about how this whole scenario made me feel; it made me feel powerful again. Knowing that I was in control and that I was the mistress of my own actions was everything I needed. It was far better than being at war with him, that was for sure.
He met my eyes once more, satisfied with himself, "Am I forgiven?"
I slid off the desk to stand before him, he was constantly towering over me, it felt wonderful to be bigger than him, if only for a moment, "Not yet, you owe me dinner, mister."
He slid his chair back to meet me on his feet, it was nice while it lasted. Offering me his arm we walked together to the other side of the house into the kitchen. It had dawned on me that we were still alone in the house without the staff and having ordered out the past few days with Meg the question was obvious.
I shouldn't have been surprised when I saw the brown paper bag filled with what I assumed was food, but the question was how it got there since Erik came in and immediately went into the office on the other side of the house. So many questions and yet Erik did not like curious women. He must have noticed how perplexed I was by the sudden appearance of one night's worth of food, judging by the size of it, that he shrugged and offered, "My driver brought them in for me." And that was one mystery solved.
I went to unload the bag when Erik demanded that I allow him to prepare us dinner, his treat for offending me. He was not letting up on the "making it up to me" game. It was too late, I had already removed a container from the bag, the contents unknown, but the sticker that claimed it to be from Don Angie's NYC. So, he had been in New York City!
"I wanted to surprise you," he didn't sound mad, but there was something in his voice that sounded, perhaps wounded.
"You didn't think you could get away with saying you made all of this," I teased, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Of course not," he scoffed. "I was however going to wow you with the presentation!"
I erupted into genuine laughter, laughter that I had not experienced with him since everything happened. For a moment I wanted to take it all back, the look on his face was so taken aback by my outburst I didn't know in what water I was treading. But then he said, "It is really nice to have you back." And then the guilt had returned. He was truly buying that I was forgiving him and moving forward.
He had looked at me with so much hope and I suppose his version of love that I didn't really have the heart to say anything to the contrary. Instead, I turned the topic back to the food that he had brought back from his trip to New York. He had taken out the containers from the bag and began to explain to me, "They are famous for their lasagna for two and since the groceries aren't being delivered until tomorrow, I thought you would like one more night of sinful eating."
He must have known the trouble Meg and I got ourselves into this weekend, I made no comment about what we had ordered but it was his account and his credit card, there really was little to no mystery there. He was not wrong about sinful eating, when he unboxed the stuffed garlic flatbread, I just about died at the smell of it. I couldn't hide my delight, nor did I want too, and in turn it made Erik pleased as well. He went to reheat the aforementioned lasagna and garlic flatbread in the oven, mentioning that I could snack on the salami and cheeses he also ordered in the meanwhile. He asked me to take the spread to the verandah while he selected a bottle of wine that would complement our dinner. The storm from the other night had cut the humidity so it was pleasant to eat al fresco, the sun wouldn't set for a few hours, it was positively perfect. I had come to truly appreciate the beauty of this place, through Meg's eyes but I had to remind myself no matter how amazing my life may look, it was a prison and I had to escape.
"Here we are!" Erik's boisterous voice broke me from my thoughts. "A magnum of Quilt Cabernet 2017." He set down the glasses on the table on front of me. "I find that wine cannot reach it's true potential if it is not bottled in a magnum."
I had no idea what he was talking about, but he really seemed to be in a chipper mood. It was a far cry from the man who came home not thirty minutes ago, but I wasn't complaining. When he was cold, he was cold as ice but when he was like this, it almost made me want to…
I had to be careful, I could not allow him to fool me into thinking there is someone worth getting to know, someone who was capable of change, someone who could be saved. What was I doing?
"You alright? You got very quiet." He said after pouring the wine into the glasses, I must have stopped paying attention when he was going on about letting the wine breathe.
I debated briefly if I should attempt to make him see reason, but I knew better than to ruin this moment, no matter how fake itwas, "I am just happy you're back." I lied.
I could sense him doubting me, but he too was afraid of ruining this moment where things were finally pleasant between us that he accepted my response. I was saved too, by the timer going off, indicating that the food had been restored to its proper temperature and I would have a moment alone to collect myself and get back to regaining Erik's trust. If only I could shut up my conscience, I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was ensuring my survival and ultimate escape from him. Then that voice that I tried to drown came back full force, will you ever be able to escape him? I shuddered at that thought, even if I did get to leave here, pursue my dreams, he would never truly let me go.
He came back with the food plated and a mischievous grin on his face, "You're telling me you have seen better plating in your life."
He earned that giggle from me, he was honestly ridiculous, "I can't say I have," I raised my glass to him and his efforts.
It smelled heavenly, had I known better I would say that this was him trying to regain my favor. Whatever had troubled him before this weekend and subsequently when he returned home was in the past for him and he wanted to move forward with me in a positive way. We had been so hostile and closed off for weeks, being able to fall back into our old routine seemed easy and enjoyable and this is exactly what I wanted him to feel. Unfortunately, as much as this was lovely, it wasn't real, and I hated it. Why couldn't this be real? I knew the answer of course, but still, what would be so bad about forgiving him? Because then he thinks that everything he has done is ok because it got him the result he wanted. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, STUPID!
This was such a mess, I could feel a headache emerging, "You know I truly wonder where you go, when you get quiet like that." His voice was teasing, but unfortunately it was annoying given my thoughts. "Have I told you how breathtakingly beautiful you look tonight? I am the luckiest man alive to be sitting here with you."
Trust me, luck had nothing to do with this. Also, where did he come off being so sweet to me? Bringing me home the best lasagna I have ever eaten in my life and bathing me in compliments; it was too much. My body betrayed me, of course I was blushing, he had a way of using his voice to undo me, to put me at such ease, I could lose myself in his voice, "Please believe me when I tell you I don't say things that I do not mean."
I smiled sweetly to him but said nothing, mostly because what was there to say, and anyways I was having a religious experience with my garlic bread. "I do want to genuinely apologize for coming home with that negative energy," He continued. "I don't take for granted the chance you are giving me to make things right, it is all I wanted, and I appreciate you."
Why did he have to say that? I wasn't really giving him a chance; I was just placating him so that he would let me go. This is so fucked. What was worse was that I feel like the worst person for giving this man any hope, and yet he's the one who got us in this situation. I wanted to bolt and lock myself in my room, go on a hunger strike until he lets me go. He was taking the fun out of this. I needed to think of something to say, the man just thanked me for trying.
"Are you going to tell me what this weekend was all about?" I needed to make this about him and not me.
I could see him tense, I didn't respond to what he wanted me to, "Which part?" oh he was good, because I could have meant his trip, or I could be referring to him bringing Meg here.
"All of it," I didn't mean to sound so clipped, but my anxiety was eating me alive. His demeanor changed entirely, the easy-going man who was just sitting here changed into lecturing teacher, "I have people who work for me so that only the biggest problems are brought to me, I was annoyed because in my opinion, the problem at hand was simple. The fact that I had to take time out of my life to take care of something so miniscule, it begs the question as to why I pay these people." His vagueness was concerning to say the least, but it was clear he wasn't going to go into details. Not like I would have understood the problem. "I must confess something to you," I gulped. "The reason I invited Miss Giry for the weekend was a test of sorts and for that I do apologize. I do not want to put you in a position to fail but I also cannot control everything and that is something that scares me most of all."
"I wasn't only testing what you would do, it was a test for myself to," he stopped mid-sentence. "You are the only person I have ever apologized to, and I have done it at least three times today." He took a big gulp of his wine. "You are entirely too good, Christine. I have gone about everything the wrong way when it comes to you, and all because of my need to be able to control everything in my life."
Was this happening? Was he saying what he was saying? Did he mean it? "I have always gotten my way, no matter the cost and I never once felt bad about it. That is, until you, the cost of keeping you meant that you lost your spark, your beautiful, alluring spark was gone and it was because of me. But tonight, you are shining brighter than you ever have. You make me want to be a better man, Christine."
Why did he always have to speak in riddles and with such vagueness? Was he letting me go? I needed to know now, or I would go mad. I took his hands into mine, "Erik, what are you trying to say?"
He sighed at my touch, "When somebody wants something and you keep it from them, they only want it more. And if they don't get it, they act out and they do crazy things. Things that they never thought they were capable of. The sort of stuff that I did when I was not my best self and that is the last thing, I want for you."
"And you merely asked me about the weekend," He withdrew one of his hands, running his fingers through his hair. "Well, now that I have thoroughly embarrassed myself, how are you enjoying the food?"
If I wasn't confused enough, I was stricken dumb and mute by his words. It was easier for me to think he was a manipulative, self-serving asshole, but now that he was admitting that he had done things wrong. What was I thinking? Am I that easily swayed by pretty words? He had done terrible things to me and up until a week or so ago he had threatened my life and blackmailed me. The only reason I had my "sparkle" back was because I was pretending to forgive him. I could not truly forgive him until he at the very least stopped holding those documents over my head, but even if he burned them in front of me, would there be copies. I did not trust him, and I do not believe that he trusted me just yet, and if I wanted to be free, I needed to keep up the charade. I just wish he wasn't so damn appealing.
"Please don't be embarrassed," I was able to grab his freed hand once more. "What's the saying? Time heals all wounds? We will just have to take it one day at a time." He seemed pleased with my response, much to my relief, he didn't get any further into the topic.
Was it so horrible that I wanted to believe him? I could just throw caution to the wind and let the man worship me. What else did I have going on? Maybe it was the wine, but he really was looking good to me, and it's not like anyone else, but Meg would know what he got away with. You would know what he got away with, stupid. I need to stop drinking the damn Cabernet.
He had left temporarily to fetch a "surprise" for me, which suited me fine, it was hard to think with him so close to me. How was it that when I was supposed to be making him a puddle at my feet, I was the one melting? Against my better judgement, I poured more wine for myself as I waited for him to return. Speak of the Devil.
"Easy on the red, or you won't have any room for the pièce de résistance." He said, resuming his dramatic flair whilst presenting the most gorgeous and colossal piece of tiramisu. The man was trying to buy my favor and I did not appreciate it all, mostly because it was kind of working. What was I thinking? He was going to win me over with a flavorful, Italian dessert? Back-bone, Christine!
It was almost as if he knew what I was doing and was trying to beat me at my own game, but he couldn't have known, unless…
Maybe he had recording devices in the house, or maybe Meg really was a snake in the grass. Get ahold of yourself! You are acting paranoid and every time you go silent you look more suspicious!
The time of retreating into my head and overthinking needed to cease, time to put my big girl pants on and give the performance of a lifetime, he's not as cute as I am giving him credit for, "Oh, Erik, you didn't!" I didn't even recognize my own voice, but it didn't even seem to faze him as he set the plate down in front of me and resumed his place next to me. "You truly thought of everything."
I slipped off my shoes and tucked my legs underneath myself on the bench, scooting myself even closer to him, "I do not do things halfway." He mused, and boy was that an understatement. "I look forward to sharing all my favorite restaurants with you."
It was clear that my face gave away my thoughts for he said, "You look surprised, you don't think I am going to keep you locked up here forever, do you?"
I quickly shook my head, "I will not go back on my word, so long as you keep yours as well, and so far, you have done everything that I have asked of you."
I could feel the knots in my stomach when he referred to our agreement, but quickly reminded myself that he is the cause of all this, by having me agree to his terms he essentially asked me to pretend for him. "I have every intention of upholding my end to continue to train your voice for the stage. We simply have to decide which stage, have you given any thought to what you would like to do."
He was asking me what I wanted to do? I had a choice? If I was being honest, I had almost abandoned any hope to be in the real world every again, let alone where I wanted to sing. He went on to say what we would need to do should I choose one avenue or another. With opera I would have to get a lot better with my languages, and I would have to refrain from alcohol, dairy and essentially live like a monk. If I wished to be in musicals on Broadway, I would need to have further instruction in dance, and even though I did my Ballet Barre every day, it was not nearly enough if I hoped to be marketable. Erik seemed to think my voice could get me anywhere I wanted to go, but my mind knew that it would be ultimately him and his influence that would get me there. It made me not want it at all. He had taken the fun out of it, and even if I was the best singer in the world, the doubt would always be there.
Without thinking of the consequences, I asked, absent-mindedly, "What if I do not want to sing anymore?"
The look on the exposed side of his face was enough to make me want to take it all back, but I had said it and meant it, "What on Earth are you talking about?" I had offended him.
"Well, if this is about helping me become a famous singer, what if I don't want it anymore?" It was him that now looked stricken dumb. He had turned to face the gardens looking out to the grounds. He sat in contemplative silence as my stomach began to knot once more. Just as we were finally getting along, I had to ruin it.
"Is this your way of trying to get out of our agreement?" he finally said, devoid of any emotion. He still wasn't looking at me, so I placed my hand on his shoulder, "Not at all," curiosity got the better of him for he finally turned to look at me, "With everything that has happened, and with us not really speaking…I feel a little lost about what I want." What I wanted to say was that I didn't think it mattered what I wanted. He was going to make all my decisions for me henceforth.
"What is it going to take for you to see that everything I have done was in an effort to help you?" his tone was as cold as ice, we had regressed in any progress we had made tonight. "You need to put aside my affection for you and understand that regardless of how I feel for you, I do indeed think you are a star. You accepted my help once before, why can it not go back to the way it was?" the pain in his words was agonizing. How could he not see that to do that wouldn't be real. I couldn't argue back; I knew how that would end.
"I just don't want to let you down," I whispered, and it was as honest as I could have been. It was a loaded statement. He had so my expectations from this arrangement, my stardom, our falling hopelessly and endlessly in love, how could anyone sustain that.
I heard him sigh heavily, "I forget how young you are," it wasn't meant to be condescending, but that statement irked me, nonetheless. "You mustn't be so hard on yourself, dear heart. We have yet to begin your training, and if our time tonight is any indication of how we can get along, well I daresay I do not foresee any problems moving forward."
His confidence was bordering on arrogance, he really thought he had this in the bag and that nothing could go wrong, "And you are so sure of yourself?" I asked with an attempt at teasing with and undercurrent of passive aggressive.
Leaning forwards towards me he said, gaze unwavering, "I have never been so sure about anything," He was deadly serious, so much so that I couldn't stifle a gulp of nervousness. There was no doubt in my mind that if he was given any indication that I would not protest he would have kissed me right then and there. I must have not given him the signal he needed, but he was so close to me that I questioned if I would have allowed it.
I needed to change the subject, knowing full well that this was bound to be brought up again, I picked up my fork and finally dove into the neglected tiramisu. Not forgetting my earlier task of enchanting, him, I made no attempt to control the pleasure the taste of the dessert gave me by moaning intentionally. I didn't have to put it on, the dessert was that good, but it felt even better noticing his shoulders relax at the sound of my ecstasy, "I don't think, I've had better than that." Taking another fork full but I changed the route from my mouth to his.
He seemed taken aback by this, his eyes darting between the fork and my gaze, I could sense his discomfort and then it dawned on me, if I had missed his mouth by any measure, I would run the risk of encountering his mask. As per our agreement, my touching or removing his mask was an absolute no-no, so he should have some comfort in knowing that I would not run the risk of upsetting him or sealing my fate. And yet, he reacted as though it was a real possibility.
"Try it!" I gestured the fork to him, "It's really good!"
He took hold of the work and helped guide it to the right location; I assumed that not only did he not want me to accidentally graze his mask, but he also didn't want to get it covered in tiramisu either, "You know, I do not usually care for being fed like a child," he said, but before I could apologize. "But for you, I am willing to make an exception."
Once we were done with dessert the sun slowly began to set and since we were alone in the house till the following morning Erik made his way to do the dishes. It was endearing watching him do normal things; it gave him some semblance of humanity. It was hard to think of the big, powerful and terrible Erik as any of that when adorned with rubber gloves. The trick would be not to lose sight of how horrible he is, it didn't matter that he had a "sweet side" to him, it was completely conditional. I now have the advantage of knowing that his kindness is also a mask, and if I could play to his ego, I will survive this. Slow and steady wins the race.