Notes:

Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story, it means so much to me and I really appreciate your support!

I am so sorry it took me forever to update again, things are really weird right now... I'll try to get back to a more regular schedule.

Chapter 62

If I was dying on my knees you would be the one to rescue me if we hit on troubled water I'll be the one to keep you warm and safe and we'll be carrying each other I've got you brother

Thea

She appreciated what Sara was trying to do, especially how she wasn't sugarcoating anything, not that sugarcoating was something the blonde was known for far from it actually, but still, it didn't change how she felt. This was her fault. Sara wouldn't be in "excruciating pain" in her presence if she hadn't trusted Malcolm. If she hadn't turned her back on Ollie. So, her brother's baby mama, that didn't sound right, was wrong. And why couldn't they just figure out what the hell they were to each other and not change their relationship status several times a day? It would help to know what to call Sara because her brother's baby mama was definitely not something she'd say while talking to other people who didn't know them. It sounded too much like they'd end up on Dr. Phil or something. But she was digressing. This was so not the issue right now.

This screwed up situation they were in right now was her punishment and she more than deserved it. Had she listened to Ollie, had she listened to her mom, or Roy even, they probably wouldn't be here. There had been plenty of people who had warned her, who had tried to explain the situation to her. Had she listened she would've learnt that Ollie hadn't known about Malcolm being her dad for long, Slade had never given her a timeframe, and she had just assumed her brother had known about it for a long time and just never told her. Looking back now, she could tell the exact moment Ollie had found out. His behavior had been so clear back then and she had even known something was wrong… she just never put the pieces together after she had learnt the truth.

She had been too focused on herself and her pain.

She had been too selfish to see; she had also acted like a spoilt brat, just like Malcolm had described her, and been responsible for them losing their house and most of their assets… had she signed the papers when Ollie had asked her to, a lot of the financial issues her brother had had to deal with for almost a year could've been avoided. He got everything sorted out eventually with the help of Walter despite that, cleaning up the mess her decision had created had taken a lot of time and energy her brother could've used for something else and it had left him without a home, without the possibility of getting a place to make his home for several months. That knowledge was still gutting her today. It had been her fault Ollie had had no choice but to sleep at the Foundry, a place she later on learnt he had shared with Sara before she had left. The place he had found out about her death, the place Laurel had brought her sister's dead body to. She couldn't even imagine how difficult that must have been for him. Thea wondered for a moment if anyone had ever considered how her brother must have felt, walking in to his home only to find the dead body of his former girlfriend, his best friend, the woman he used to share said home with. He had slept there for weeks after that. He had spent so much time in the Foundry. It must have been torture for him.

She had made so many mistakes, and never really taken responsibility for any of them. But no more. And helping the mother of her unborn niece was the perfect place to start.

This was her fault. There would've never been a reason for Sara to be put into the Lazarus Pit had it not been for her and she wouldn't be suffering from bloodlust because of it now. Sara's current struggles were her fault, and that was a fact. So, bringing up the potion, or whatever, that had cured her seemed to make perfect sense and it might help to solve Sara's pain, too.

Yet, the reaction from both Ollie and Sara was not what she had expected.

They did exchange a look, well, one of those looks. The ones that spoke volumes but no one, besides the… whatever they currently were, understood. Shouldn't they be happy about the possibility of there being a cure? Thea was just about to say something when a thought crossed her mind.

Why hadn't Ollie talked to Sara about it? Why hadn't he told her that there might be a cure? It made no sense. Especially because it was Sara. Making Sara feel better, helping her was one of her brother's primary goals in life. So why hadn't he told her about it? She wanted to press the issue but was kept from it by Sara's next words.

"Look, I understand… trust me… I know exactly how you feel. I've been where you've been, Thea. I've trusted the wrong people, which in return led to the deaths of others. To the deaths of people I cared about. But unlike you, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not under the influence of any drug. And yes, your brother would debate me on this bringing up all kinds of arguments how none of it was my fault, which is what he just got ready for, drawing in a breath to start that argument, but that is not the point and not what matters right now." Her friend's words made her feel better, but at the same time made her curious. She wasn't sure what Sara was talking about. Was she referring to the League? Or something else? It didn't really sound like the League, though.

Thea had seen Ollie take a breath and look like he was about to say something when Sara interjected her own argument, which sounded a lot like something her brother would've said, and the look on his face confirmed the validity of her thoughts. Whatever Sara was referring to, Ollie knew exactly what it was and disagreed with her point of view. Just like Sara was disagreeing with her right now.

She wasn't sure she knew what Sara was talking about; it didn't really fit the League, but maybe she was just missing information concerning the League in general and Sara in particular, not that she or anyone really knew much about Sara's time in the League. But she was sure that Sara wasn't just saying things to make her feel better, that she really understood the way she was feeling and the situation she had been in. It helped. It made her feel better, not less guilty, but better. Knowing someone understood what it felt like to trust someone and not only be betrayed by them but used and forced to do something you would've never done out of your own freewill, helped. It was a violation few people would understand. That knowledge made Sara understanding her so much more meaningful.

Whatever the blonde had referred to seemed to be something she was still struggling with herself, given the change in her body language when she had mentioned it and not just hers, but Ollie's too. It had been bad, that she was sure of. Terrible even, given the tense line her back and shoulders had become and the way her brother was caressing her arm and softly kissing her temple.

Yeah, something was different about them today. That was pretty obvious now. She wasn't sure what exactly, and she wasn't going to pry, no matter how much she would've loved to right now, but it wasn't her place and she trusted her brother would tell her when he was ready. Besides, they were currently having an entirely different conversation. One that was more important right now. Thea felt like this conversation was long overdue and she was grateful Sara had taken initiative and started it. It meant she felt the same way, and she wanted to change the situation between them, too, as much as was possible given the obvious limitations, thanks to the side effects of the Lazarus Pit. Her friend was being completely honest with her. At least she appeared to be. The least she could do was do the same.

"Look, Sara, thank you. It means a lot. But it doesn't change the fact that it was my fault. I chose to go with Malcolm. And everything following this choice was my fault and my responsibility. And I'm just so tired of everyone making excuses for my actions. They were still my actions, and they led to your death. And no excuse is going to change that. I knew who Malcolm was when I left with him. So stop acting like I didn't know what I was doing, and I was just an innocent victim. I wasn't. You should understand better than anyone if what you just said is true." Sometimes she was getting really tired of everyone telling her that Sara's death hadn't been her fault, that it hadn't been her decision. But it had been, in a way. It had been her decision to turn her back on her family. To go with Malcolm, more than that, to let him train her, even after she had learnt just what he understood as training. All the pain he caused her, all the bruises, cuts and burns he caused her and yet, she had stayed with him. She had chosen to be abused in order to learn how to protect herself, to no longer be weak instead of going home, of reconnecting with Ollie and taking some self-defense classes… or have Roy teach her. Yes, she had been angry at Roy for lying to her, for going behind her back and working with the Arrow… but still… she knew he would've taught her, if only she had asked. None of this would've happened…

She reluctantly raised her eyes to look at Ollie. Part of her never wanted for him to know his insistence that Sara's death wasn't her fault made her feel this way. She knew he was only meaning well and trying to protect her; she didn't want him to feel bad about it. But another part was glad he was here for this conversation, that she could tell him without actually telling him, by telling Sara. It was a cope out and cowardly, but it was the only way for her to tell him. She would've never been able to tell him had it just been the two of them. Not to forget that he wouldn't have let her. He would've interrupted her before she'd been able to put all of her feelings into words. The only reason he hadn't right now was because he had taken himself out of the conversation the moment their friend had tapped in. He was simply there for emotional support and grounding the woman in front of him.

She moved her eyes from her brother's face and took the two people across from her in as a whole again… watched the way Sara almost melted into her brother's frame, the way Ollie molded his body around hers, the way they looked like they just belonged together, two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly… her eyes strayed down to Sara's very pregnant stomach, the place her niece was growing in right now, two more months… her niece, Ollie and Sara's daughter… none of this would've happened… everything happens for a reason… maybe… but still...

Sara's pain was her fault, and she was sick and tired of people telling her it wasn't so. Sick and tired of being incapable of taking responsibility for her actions because no one was letting her. Because everyone was trying to protect her, shield her from her own mistake, in a way they were still treating her as if she was still the fragile, spoilt, weak little girl she had been before… before she went to Corto Maltese with Malcolm, before she joined her brother in his mission to make their home a better place. She wasn't that Thea anymore. She no longer needed to be shielded, protected, and coddled by everyone. The young brunette knew she made mistakes, and she knew it was way past time to take responsibility for those and try to make up for them.

Her actions had caused so much pain to Dinah and Quentin, to Laurel, but worst of all, to Ollie. Not only had she been responsible for him losing his Pretty Bird once again, but even worse had been her actions following Sara's death. He had called her, repeatedly, several times an hour at first and then hourly and then less and less, always leaving a message on her voicemail, until he found her on Corto Maltese. She had ignored his calls, his messages hadn't even listened to most of them… she had been a horrible sister. He would've needed her so much, he had reached out to her, had been ready to let her in because he would've needed her… something she had asked him to do from the moment he had come back home. He had done what she had wanted him to do for so long, and she had ignored his calls. She had left her brother all alone when he would've needed her the most, after he had lost the one person who meant the world to him, the one person who knew him better than anyone. The one person who had always been there for him, no matter what, the one person who understood him. She had let him down, caused him even more pain. She would never be able to forgive herself for her actions. Even less with everything that had come after. She had abandoned him in his time of need and he still ended up willing to trade his life for hers.

Ollie loved her so much. It wasn't difficult for her to recall what he had told her in Corto Maltese. The words that had convinced her to come back home with her brother were branded into her mind forever.

"…So he killed himself. And that is one secret that I'm telling you now because I need you to realize... mom and dad, they sacrificed themselves so that we could live. But if we're not together, then... we're not even really alive. You're my family. And even if you don't need me... I need you. Please, just consider what I'm saying." He had been so open, honest, and vulnerable with her during that conversation. He had opened up to her and let her in. Thea had felt that something had changed, that something had been different. She just hadn't known what. She had simply assumed the months she had spent away from him had made him realize how much his secrets and lies had hurt her and led to him wanting to change because of that. And she was sure it had played into it, had been part of the reason he had come and why he had shared this piece of information with her, but it had only been part of it. Sara's death had been the other part. He must have felt as if someone had pulled the rug out from under him. He had only just gotten her back… he must have felt completely uprooted, with no place to call his home, or feel at home anymore.

There were days she was sure she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve the unconditional, unbreakable, selfless love her brother had for her. Not after everything she had done to him. All the pain and suffering she had caused him. She loved him so very much. He was her family, her rock, her everything. He was her big brother. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him. And she knew she would never be able to repay him for everything he had done for her. All she could do was do better, try to be a better sister. Do right by him.

She looked at Sara again. There were so many things she wanted to tell her. But she didn't know where to start. Things she had wanted to say for years. Other things that had built up over the last couple of months… some of those things weren't that nice and she wasn't sure if she really wanted to share them with Sara, especially with Ollie right there but at the same time she felt like she had to. If she wanted to clear the air, if she wanted to make sure Ollie wasn't going to get hurt again, Sara needed to know. And then there were the other things she wanted to tell her, the ones that were less selfless, more selfish, the things she was pretty sure she shouldn't share but was certain she'd end up sharing if she dared to open the floodgates and talk about her feelings.

Thea wasn't sure… it would be so much easier to know just how much to share, which subjects to talk about and which to keep to herself if only she knew what the situation between Ollie and Sara was, if Dinah had been right and Sara was really going to stay, for good… If Sara was still going to leave, there were things she didn't need to reveal about her feelings because there was no point… she felt stupid for some of her feelings. She felt stupid for feeling jealous of the bond between her brother and the woman she pretty much considered a sister, because she knew it was silly. She was Ollie's sister, and nothing would ever change that, certainly not Sara's presence. Sara and Ollie had always had a special bond. It just had never bothered her growing up, so why was it bothering her now? Was it because growing up Ollie would still always make time for her, or Sara would just let her hang out with them too. And now she didn't feel like she was a part of that anymore. It hadn't been just the three of them hanging out in a long time. She and Ollie had spent time together over the last couple of months, sure, but it was different. They used to talk. Before he left for his travels, he'd confide in her. He told her about his plans to propose to Felicity. Oliver had shared his feelings with, and relied on her. He was no longer doing that. Sure, they talked, and they also talked about his baby girl, but it wasn't the same. And she knew part of the reason was because of the blonde woman across from her.

Sara was the person he talked to now, the person he confided in, the person he shared his plans and fears with… and she knew this was how it was supposed to be, the way a relationship was supposed to work. She used to tell Roy stuff she wouldn't have told Ollie. Still did sometimes. Because there were some things she just couldn't share with her older brother. And she was sure he felt the same way sometimes. Even if she wished, neither of them felt that way. But maybe that was just normal. The only siblings she'd feel comfortable enough with to ask were Laurel and Sara and she knew for a fact, they didn't really count in the normal siblings department and that there were still a lot of secrets that had not yet been shared between the two of them. So she guessed she'd just have to assume it was normal for now and hope Ollie would start sharing his feelings with her again, like he did before Sara came back home.

Shit, she just had another revelation.

Ollie had confided in her, talked to her, shared his struggles with her the previous year because he wasn't sharing them with Felicity. Because he hadn't felt comfortable talking to Felicity about them, hadn't been comfortable being vulnerable in front of her. Ollie had only started to confide in her after Sara had been gone from his life again. Felicity might have shared his secret and mission, his bed and life, and even had his heart but she never had taken on the role of being his confidante, the person he shared his innermost thoughts with, his fears, his past, his struggles… after Sara had died there had been no one, no one for Ollie to share his hardships with. No one he trusted with all the broken pieces of himself. Her brother had been all alone with all of his pain. God, and here she was, jealous because he no longer was alone, because he got his safe haven back. It looked like maybe there was still some of the old selfish Thea left after all.

She should be happy for him and she wanted to be… but there was just that nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that wouldn't leave her alone. How could she be happy for him if she wasn't sure how long it would last? If Sara was really going to stay, or if he was going to lose his sanctuary again? She wanted to be happy for him, for them. No one deserved it more than her brother and Sara, but she needed to be sure that Sara wasn't going to break his heart again, wasn't going to abandon him again, wasn't going to leave him all alone with his pain again. But how could she do that? She couldn't just ask? Could she?

"Dinah said you changed your mind. That you're not going to leave after the baby is born, is that true? Are you really going to stay this time? For good?" Thea hadn't realized she had actually voiced her thoughts out loud until she saw the look on her brother's face. He didn't seem too happy about her questions, or maybe it was less what she had said and more the rather accusing tone of voice she had accidentally used. But it wasn't her fault, not really, she hadn't meant for it to sound accusing, but she was still mad at Sara for making decisions concerning her brother, and fed up with people not letting her take responsibility for her actions and months of pent up frustration and anger with Sara for her choice to leave after her baby is born and then the years of anger she had felt at her friend for walking out on Ollie out of the blue. So, yeah, maybe she did sound a little accusing or maybe more than a little, but who could blame her?

She could see her brother take a deep breath, gathering his thoughts, but Sara beat him to a reply. Thankfully. She was not sure what her brother would've said once he found the words, and she wasn't sure she wanted to find out.

"Yes. What mom told you is true. I'm not going to leave. Ollie helped me realize that the best thing I can do for our daughter is to be here, and raise her with her dad." She was watching Sara closely. She looked earnest, and it didn't escape her notice when she threw a soft look over her shoulder at her brother, the way she put her hand on his arm, squeezing it and the way Ollie kissed her temple, a soft smile gracing his lips, while he pulled her closer into him and how she let him with no resistance, following him almost naturally. So, it looked like the storm that were her big bro's thoughts just minutes ago was avoided. Thank god for Sara.

"Speedy… there's something I want… we want to share with you…" She focused in on her brother when he suddenly began to speak, she perked up after he changed the "I" to a "we", sitting up straight in front of them wondering what it was he was struggling with telling her. She assumed it was something positive, well, something else positive, given the way they looked.

Happy.

They looked happy and content and… in love. Huh. Openly in love. Interesting.

"Sara and I…" He hesitated again. She observed them quietly, yet expectantly. She wasn't going to rush him, she had time, and she would give him as much time as he needed to tell her whatever it was. Thea watched Sara turn her head so she could look at Ollie, watched the way she was stroking one of his hands with one of hers, the way she was caressing his thigh, part of her wished she hadn't noticed that it was almost too intimate a gesture for her to see and it reminded her once again of that night at Verdant when she had watched them almost make out at the counter after closing. Yeah, way too intimate. She turned her eyes back up to her brother's face.

"Sara and I picked a name for your niece." The words left his mouth the moment her eyes connected with his. She couldn't remember the last time she was this excited about anything. Her brother's baby girl finally had a name. She couldn't wait to learn it.

"Mila. Mila Beatrice Queen." Not what she had expected. She didn't remember either of those names ever being on the table or mentioned by Ollie during all the baby name conversations they've had over the months. It was a beautiful name, though. And she wondered how they had come up with it. She tried to remember, but she was pretty sure neither Laurel nor Quentin or Dinah had ever mentioned either of those names either. Queen. She had wondered which last name they would give the little girl, given their unmarried status. It felt right. Her nephew didn't share their last name. It felt right that her niece would.

"That is great and such a lovely name." She got up from her seat across from them and gave them both a hug. They were all smiling.

She moved back to make sure that she wasn't overwhelming Sara with her presence and sat back down on the table across from them. She felt all giddy and happy, but there was something that didn't make any sense. Why had Ollie struggled to share his daughter's name with her? Had he assumed she wouldn't like it? No, that made no sense. Was it possible that he had meant to say something else at first? She studied the couple in front of her again.

How had Ollie helped Sara realize that staying was what was best for her nie… for Mila? Her niece had a name now. She couldn't wait to meet little Mila. She mentally smacked herself on the head to stay focussed. This felt important.

What could he have said or done that no one else had said or done before when it came to trying to convince her to stay? She suddenly remembered the papers on the living room table, the very official-looking papers… she hadn't really looked at them closely, but she was almost certain some were from Star City National Bank, that made sense, and hadn't the key for the safety deposit box been lying next to them? She looked at them again and her eyes grew huge. Oh, my god! Could it be? No… they wouldn't… would they?

She was reminded of her conversation with Roy after Ollie had texted her about going dark for a few days. He had kept something from her; she was sure of it. He had seemed in a fantastic mood and assured her repeatedly that she didn't need to worry about her brother and Sara. That they were fine. There had been a gleam in his eyes and the ghost of a hidden smile around his lips whenever they came back to the couple in their conversation. Yes, Roy had been aware of something she wasn't. Something that made him happy and certain that they were fine. She felt like the pieces of the puzzle she had been trying to put together ever since that text not yet a week ago were finally coming together and presented a pretty clear picture to her. Maybe. She could be completely wrong here and simply projecting something she was hoping for into a completely different situation.

She wanted to ask, she really, really wanted to ask and pry and find out if she was assuming right, but she bit her tongue. If she was right, if they had gotten engaged, they were obviously not yet ready to share that with anyone. That was okay. It was their relationship, their choice. Their right to decide who and when they were going to share the information with. If they had even gotten engaged. Maybe Ollie had just taken something else out of the safety deposit box and it had nothing to do with their mom's jewelry that they kept there. Besides, she really couldn't picture Ollie proposing to Sara with her mom's ring, not after he had given it to Felicity almost a year ago. And she was pretty sure her friend wouldn't appreciate being proposed to with her mom's ring, given the fact that her mom and Sara had a very complicated relationship and she was almost certain, her mom wouldn't be too happy about Ollie handing Sara her ring if she were alive. Never mind that she would be offended if a guy was proposing to her with the same ring he had ask another woman to marry him. So, on second thought that probably wasn't it. They kept a lot of other stuff at Star City National Bank after all… It could literally be anything, just like it could mean anything, or nothing at all.

They were Ollie and Sara, after all, those two rarely did what people expected them to and never the way other people would do something. So, while a lot of people might get married in their situation because of the baby, that was probably not what they would do. No, Sara wouldn't get married just because they were having a child together. That was completely against everything she stood for. There was no reason to get married, they could raise their baby together without being married. So maybe she was right or maybe she was wrong. Whichever it was, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to get the answer tonight. That was alright.

She did learn her niece's name and had Sara confirm she was going to stay for good. That was more than enough information for one visit, more than she had expected to get.

"I don't want to break up the conversation but it's getting cold and I'm starting to get hungry, so maybe we could continue this inside, over some food?" Sara's words ripped her from her thoughts, and she had to agree with her. It had gotten cold and she could definitely eat something.

"Sounds good. Oh, I brought food, we'll just have to warm it up." She agreed and suddenly remembered the take out she had left on their kitchen counter. All three of them got up and walked towards the door that would lead them back down into the warm apartment.

Notes:

I hope you guys like the chapter, let me know what you thought.

I swear Thea always gets away from me and I have no clue where all those thoughts come from… I love her but her chapters never end up even remotely where I thought they would go. She has a lot of thoughts and can easily get distracted, even in her own mind. And yes, she's still all over the place lol.

I hope everyone has great Holidays and can spend them with their families or at least some of their families. I wish you all the best and a wonderful couple of days.

The chapter title is from the song "Brother" by Kodaline. You should listen to it, it just screams Oliver and Thea, seriously! Plus it's such a beautiful song.