Chapter 53: On Thin Ice

Neither Professor McGonagall nor I said a word on our arduous walk. We reached the gargoyle corridor and then went down to the biggest, ugliest gargoyle at the end. It stood menacingly in front of the circular stone staircase which I knew led up to the headmaster's office. Perhaps it was only my imagination, but the gargoyle seemed to sneer at me more than it did at McGonagall.

"Strawberry sugar quill," she said, and the gargoyle begrudgingly leapt aside.

At the mention of sugar quills, my mind leapt to Sirius and his love of the sweets, but McGonagall's lingering acidic look forced me to concentrate instead on stepping into the stairwell as it began to move. A moment later, I was walking into the headmaster's office for the first time.

The first thing that registered was the sound of several whirring objects and the faint snoring of a former headmaster in his portrait. The circular room was beautiful, with its smooth, stone walls decorated with all sorts of artifacts and memorabilia, not least of all the portraits of the former headmasters and headmistresses. An object to my right on a spindly table was whizzing and emitting puffs of smoke. I noticed the Sorting Hat next, which was resting on a high-up shelf behind a huge claw-footed desk. There was an ornate chair behind the desk, evidently for the headmaster, and to the right was a tall perch that held a brilliantly red, swan-sized bird with black eyes. The phoenix lifted his head from under a scarlet wing and fixed me with an intelligent stare, and I had the distinct impression that he knew that I was an animagus. Thank Merlin I'd never been thick enough to attempt to go after a phoenix in all my nocturnal jaunts. The phoenix ruffled and rearranged his beautiful feathers, his long golden tail swishing, before settling his head back under his wing.

Professor Dumbledore appeared from a hidden side room near the desk and I started. Seeming not to notice me, he walked calmly to the high-backed desk chair. The phoenix raised his head in greeting. The headmaster placed his palm briefly on the bird's head in what was clearly a familiar gesture between old friends.

"Miss Ridgelow," Dumbledore said, sitting down in his chair with his gaze fixed on summoning a teacup and saucer.

I stood stock still just in front of the door.

A teacup, saucer and teapot came whizzing over to the desk, along with a glass dish of wrapped sweets. He finally peered over his half-moon spectacles at my miserable form. "Would you like some tea and sweets?"

"Er… Okay," I said quietly. "Sir," I added for good measure.

Dumbledore began pouring me a cup and took a sweet before placing the dish in front of the other chair. I understood the implied request and reluctantly walked up to the desk, sitting down in the remarkably comfortable chair facing him. Dumbledore took a sip from his tea before setting it back into the saucer and looking up at me.

I quickly looked away, focusing on the phoenix instead. "Is he your phoenix, Professor?"

"In a sense, yes. Fawkes has been my friend and helper for many years now, but one does not ever truly own a phoenix."

"Oh," I said lamely. I dropped my gaze to my hands, feeling inexplicably awkward in the presence of one of the greatest wizards of our age.

Dumbledore regarded me for a long, quiet moment, sipping his tea.

I blurted out, "Are you going to expel me from Hogwarts, Professor? For duelling without permission?"

I could've sworn that his eyes twinkled in amusement. "I don't think that would be the most prudent course of action, do you?" When I failed to say anything in response, he continued, "Especially considering that you are a Seer."

All at once, my body felt terribly hot. My hands clutched the wrought wood arms of my chair, knuckles white. How could he have found out? I knew Sirius would've had to go mad to tell anyone, let alone Dumbledore. Had someone else found out and told the headmaster? If Dumbledore already knew that I was a Seer, did he know that I was an unregistered animagus as well? Did he know what I'd done to my family? I stared at him, shocked into silence.

"No, it is my belief," he said calmly, oblivious to my distress, "that to expel you from Hogwarts would significantly increase the risk of you falling into danger, for reasons that I am sure you are well aware of. Hogwarts remains the safest place for you at the moment, Miss Ridgelow."

Dumbledore's blue eyes bored into mine, but some nagging premonition in the back of my mind told me to avoid his gaze. I broke eye contact. At once, I felt my mind relax.

He let out a barely perceptible sigh before taking another sip of tea. "Please forgive me for what may seem a rude question, but how did you come to discover that you are a Seer, Miss Ridgleow? True Seers who make accurate predictions are few and far between, especially ones with no clear link in their family trees to others with the gift of Second Sight. Are you by chance related to the celebrated Seer Cassandra Trelawney?"

Staring at my hands, I shook my head. Was there any point now in hiding what I was from Dumbledore? Clearly, he could be trusted to some capacity, seeing as he refused to expel me to keep me safe inside the castle walls. I sighed. "No, Sir, I don't think I'm related to her."

He peered at me over his spectacles.

"Ollivander matched me with a silver lime wand," I continued, taking a sweet from the dish. "He hadn't been able to sell my wand for twenty-six years. It'd been sitting in a corner of his shop collecting dust until I came along. But I only learnt why my wand chose me after I started having strange dreams in fifth year."

"Did your dreams all come to fruition?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

"Yes, the minor ones. Now…" I hesitated, my hands shaking. "Now my recent dreams seem to be about things in the far future. I suppose I haven't lived to see those ones come true or not."

"And do you think your most recent dreams will come true?"

"I hope not, Sir."

Dumbledore studied me curiously over the rim of his teacup before setting it back down in its saucer, his hand reaching out to slowly caress the phoenix's head.

"In truth, Professor, I would give up anything to get rid of my dreams and visions. I fancy not having any more bad dreams."

I finally looked up to meet his eyes, and the smile he gave me was sad and full of recognition. "I do not blame you for wishing so. I would imagine anyone in your position would wish the same."

"I don't think the suffering is worth the glimpses into the future," I murmured, looking up at the headmasters and headmistresses' portraits on the walls. I paused on the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black, whose occupant was dozing with his mouth wide open.

"Your Inner Eye could be used for great things, particularly if you were to sharpen it with practice and training. Perhaps then you could see more detailed dreams and events that are not as far in the future, and thus can be correctly interpreted and prevented in the present. A great deal of loss and suffering could be averted with your gift, Miss Ridgelow," Dumbledore said gravely.

I clenched the arms of the chair, wishing I could turn around and run out of the office. Preventing other people's deaths and suffering was a noble cause, but why couldn't I have had the chance to protect my family without obliviating them instead? Why did other people get to save their families, but I couldn't?

Dumbledore studied me and pushed away his empty teacup. I suddenly felt deeply weary and not in the mood to deal with my depressing Inner Eye. He folded his hands together calmly. "Though you may feel differently than I do about using your gift of Sight, I will still say one thing; that should you ever wish to help in the war against the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, there is an organization that I formed called The Order of the Phoenix. I know that the Order would benefit greatly from your addition after you graduate, Miss Ridgelow. There is always a need for gifted witches and wizards on our side of the war." He paused and continued in a softer tone, "Please think about it, Miss Ridgelow." With a wave of his hand, my wand appeared in front of me on the desk. Dumbledore nodded in dismissal.

Snatching my wand and jumping away from the table, I was just at the door to the gargoyle staircase when Dumbledore spoke. "Oh, and one more thing, Miss Ridgelow."

I turned back reluctantly to see him sitting at the desk, hand on the phoenix's head again.

"Though I have refrained from expelling you for duelling, you are to spend every Friday and Saturday evening, starting today, for the remainder of the school year in detention with Argus Filch, doing whatever he sees fit. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir," I mumbled.

"Do not give me a reason to doubt offering you a second chance."

With a parting wave from Dumbledore, I turned and disappeared down the spiral staircase.

It was already well into my second class, Potions, and the last thing I wanted to do was walk into a class halfway through and draw everyone's attention to me. It wasn't like Slughorn would even notice my absence, though he'd certainly notice Avery's empty spot among his darling Slytherin students. I was pushing my luck by ditching Potions, given the extremely thin ice I was on now, but I was really craving a smoke to settle my nerves.

I smoked a cigarette while leaning against the cold castle wall. I watched a class of third-years putter around in the pumpkin patch outside Hagrid's hut, looking for Merlin-knows-what under the direction of Professor Kettleburn, whose head was covered in even more blood-stained bandages than was usual for him. My gaze settled on the Forbidden Forest. I was filled with a sharp longing to shift into Stripes and wander the forest's leafy darkness until nightfall. But ditching class and smoking on school grounds was one thing. Sneaking into the Forbidden Forest in broad daylight in front of a Care of Magical Creatures class would certainly end in me getting expelled, no matter how benevolent Dumbledore had seemed in his office.

I snuck into the Great Hall for lunch early, wanting to avoid drawing attention to myself by walking down the Ravenclaw table in front of other students. In theory, I'd draw less attention to myself if I was already seated and hiding my face in a book by the time other students arrived.

As students began trickling in for lunch, I buried my head farther into my textbook, trying to tune out the conversations that I was picking up around me with my animagus hearing. There was the sound of rushed footsteps coming my way, and then I heard Sirius's familiar voice. "Kitten?"

I lowered the textbook that I'd been holding to my face.

Sirius's face was pinched with worry, his dark brows drawn low as he sat down next to me on the bench. "What happened, Kersti? What did Dumbledore say?"

I looked down the table to see Lily speed-walking towards me with James, Remus and Peter in tow.

"Merlin!" Lily huffed when she reached us. She turned her warm emerald eyes on me, her brow creased. "How'd it go with Dumbledore? Are you okay?"

Remus materialized next to her. "He didn't expel you, did he?"

I got up from the bench quickly, hyper-aware of the increasing number of eyeballs fixed on me now that I was in the presence of Lily Evans and the infamous Marauders.

Sirius was up from the bench in a flash and standing next to me, grey eyes searching my face. "Did he expel you, Kersti?"

I tried to block out the whispering and staring of students around me. Rubbing my face, I said, "No, Dumbledore didn't expel me."

Sirius abruptly got me in a fierce hug with a very loud, "Fuck yeah!"

"Mr Black," McGonagall chided as she strode by us on her way to the High Table. "Please refrain from using inappropriate language."

James grinned. "Sorry, Minnie."

McGonagall gave him a scalding look. "And none of that from you either, Mr Potter."

Sirius flashed her his shit-eating grin, his arm draped around my shoulders.

"Thank Merlin that you didn't get expelled!" Lily said with a wide smile when McGonagall was out of earshot.

Remus offered me an amused smile. "Of all people to get nearly expelled for duelling, I'd've thought Padfoot and Prongs would be the most likely candidates."

James gave him an offended look. "I'd like to think I'm more subtle about tormenting Slytherins, Moony. Er, no offence, Stripes," he said to me with a grin.

I shrugged, trying not to hear some nearby Ravenclaws whispering about me and my duel with Avery.

"That was bloody brilliant, you duelling Avery, kitten," Sirius said, grey eyes alight.

"Truly spectacular," James added, looking genuinely impressed.

Remus rolled his eyes good naturedly. "While I'm glad you didn't get expelled, I'll admit it was refreshing seeing him being beaten so badly."

"And in front of a very large crowd to boot," Peter added, though he looked more focused on James and Sirius when he said it.

James grinned. "Exactly, Wormtail."

Lily met my eyes and shrugged. "He had it coming to him, what with Mary and all."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow at her, his lips twisted in a mischievous smile. "Never thought you'd say that, Evans."

She frowned at him. "Oh, never mind."

The hall had grown louder as it grew closer to lunchtime. I wondered whether anyone would've been celebrating that I'd decimated Avery if Dumbledore had chosen to expel me instead.

"We're planning on celebrating Moony's birthday next Friday in the Common Room, Stripes," James said. "You're welcome to come. I'm sure Padfoot would cry if you didn't show," he said, winking at his best mate.

"Piss off, Prongs," Sirius said with a bark of laughter.

"I'd love to come," I cut in, "but I'm on thin ice now with Dumbledore, McGonagall and probably Flitwick as well. I doubt they'd approve of me loitering in the Gryffindor Common Room. And I have detention with Filch every Friday and Saturday for the rest of the school year."

James made a sound like he was getting stabbed in the chest with a fork. "Bloody hell, I'd rather die than suffer through hours of Filchy. My sincere condolences, Stripes."

"Sorry about the detentions, kitten," Sirius said.

"He's not that unbearable," I protested, much to Sirius, James and Peter's visible confusion. "I bring him magazines about the Royal Family. He reads those while I serve my detention and they put him in a really good mood. He really fancies the Queen, you know."

Remus flashed James and Sirius a knowing look. "Well, come by the Common Room after your detention, Kersti."

"What're you going to do about Professor McGonagall?" Lily asked him.

He shrugged. "I'll really politely and kindly ask her to make an exception for my birthday."

"And you actually think that's going to work?" she said.

"Don't doubt Moony's powers of persuasion, Lily," James said.

"If you convince McGonagall to let it slide this one time, I will buy you as many boxes of chocolates from Honeydukes as you want next Hogsmeade trip," Sirius said to Remus.

Remus grinned. "In that case, I will definitely convince McGonagall to let you come, Kersti."

"You won't even convince McGonagall for me, but you will for a box of chocolates?" I joked, making Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

"Busted," James said with a laugh.

I glanced across the Great Hall to see Dumbledore walking through the double doors, calm and stately amid the chaotic gaggles of students. A great wave of anxiety and weariness crashed over me, worries rising in my mind about how Dumbledore had found out that I was a Seer. I was reasonably confident that none of the students except Sirius knew about my dreams and visions, but what about the other professors?

"Oi, Ridgelow!" a fellow Ravenclaw seventh-year called out. "Is it true you duelled Avery outside of the Transfiguration classroom this morning?"

Sirius saw me flinch in reaction to the question and snarled at the seventh-year, "Why don't you mind your own sodding business?"

"I'll see you in Defense Against the Dark Arts later, yeah?" I said to the boys and Lily.

"Don't worry, I'll convince McGonagall to let you in next Friday," Remus added to me.

"See you later," Lily said with a wave as she and James headed through the noisy, bustling Great Hall to the Gryffindor table, followed by Remus.

"You coming, Padfoot?" Peter said, lingering near me and Sirius.

Sirius waved away the question, his eyes never leaving me. "Go ahead without me, mate. I'll be there in a minute."

With a last glance at Sirius, Peter reluctantly made his way to the Gryffindor table.

Sirius's grey eyes flitted over my face, his expression solemn. "You going to be okay, kitten?"

"Yeah," I whispered, my voice catching on an unexpected lump in my throat.

He frowned, reaching out to run his thumb back and forth over my knuckles. "You sure?"

I nodded.

He watched me for a long moment before stepping back from me. I immediately felt deeply weary without him near. He ran a hand through his hair and gave me a half-smile. "I'll see you in class, kitten."

I managed a small smile. "See you then."

As I watched him walk away to the Gryffindor table, I wished not for the last time that I could give up my Inner Eye that caused me so much suffering.