It wasn't until Claude had gone that Byleth realized how much of her humanity she was still missing.
Ever since she'd first discovered her emotions, she had always been so focused on her loved ones. Their safety, their goals, their peace of mind—those were the only things that had mattered to her. It seemed to her now as if those feelings had somehow taken the place of identity within her mind. She'd thought that caring for other people was enough to make her human in her own right.
But it wasn't. She felt so empty now that she was alone, as if her own "self" was a void she needed to fill.
Growing up as a mercenary, she'd gotten used to living only as another person's blade, with no need for interests or desires of her own. But now she understood that it wasn't because she'd been a mercenary that she'd been so empty inside. She'd gotten it backwards. It was because she'd been empty that she'd made such a good mercenary. After all, her father and the other mercenaries in their group had all been people, despite their line of work. She'd been the only Ashen Demon.
Then she'd become a teacher at Garreg Mach Monastery, and she'd grown to care for her students. From them, she'd learned how human relationships worked. And now that she had those human bonds, she couldn't go back to being empty inside.
And yet even as she'd become human, she'd still made serving other people her purpose. She'd devoted her entire being to Claude's dream, hadn't she? And even the hobbies she'd grown to enjoy—fishing, growing flowers—had all been for the purpose of making her students happy.
She hadn't expected being alone to hurt so much, since she knew Claude would return to her as soon as he could. But ever since she'd met him and the rest of her students, they'd never really been apart. Not in her mind, anyway. Over the five long years she'd been asleep, they'd all learned how to be without her. But to her, all that time had felt like a mere day. She'd never learned how to be without them .
Now, she had to get used to the fact that she couldn't go to the training grounds to spar with Leonie. She couldn't sit down for a meal with Raphael. She couldn't visit the Monastery's cathedral and find Marianne praying there.
So she trained by herself, though she wasn't sure exactly why—she was no mercenary anymore, and there were no more battles to be fought. She ate all her meals alone, or at political functions with people she didn't know. She'd been given her own private chapel in her castle in Derdriu, which was always empty. She sometimes visited it anyway, in search of guidance from the goddess.
What should I do, Sothis? she tried asking. Who am I without you? Without them?
But no one answered, and she was left to figure it out on her own.
It was painful, teaching herself how to rule a country full of strangers, with only the former round table lords to guide her. The Golden Deer living in the old Alliance territories did visit her sometimes, and she found herself corresponding frequently with Seteth, who helped with her responsibilities as the head of the church, but other than that she was on her own.
All of the former Alliance nobles had their own opinions, and as much as it helped to hear them, Byleth still had to make the final decisions herself.
What would be best for Claude's dream? she wondered, whenever she was faced with a particularly difficult decision. After all, he'd chosen her to lead this country, for the sake of the future he was trying to build. She didn't want to make any of the wrong choices, to risk jeopardizing that future.
But Claude wasn't there with her now, and there was much more to ruling Fódlan than establishing new laws and diplomatic policy. There were resources to manage, towns to rebuild after five long years of war, and lingering interpersonal disputes to solve.
And over time, she started wondering less about what Claude would do if he were there, and more about what would be best for her own people.
Slowly, she became a leader she hoped her country could be proud of. She made many reforms throughout the country, both big and small. She spent as much time as she could listening to the needs and thoughts of her people, so she could restructure her government accordingly.
Even more slowly, she learned to recognize and take care of her own needs as well. She learned how to take some free time for herself, to stand up for her opinions when others tried to dismiss them, and to say no when someone asked too much of her.
Slowly, she learned how to find happiness in doing things, and not just in other people's smiles.
She did the same things she always had—fishing, growing flowers—but no longer just for any distinct purpose. She learned to enjoy them in and of themselves—to find joy in things like the warm breeze sweeping in off the sea, the soft scents of soil and pollen.
And as she did so, she felt something in her settle. The words she needed to express her thoughts and feelings rose to her lips more frequently. She started to feel more human.
But it wasn't always easy. There was much to do, and it was easier to keep giving herself entirely to other people, the way she had as a mercenary and a teacher and a general in Claude's army. It was easier to be selfless.
Judith, with her sharp tongue and blunt honesty, was a pillar of strength Byleth often found herself leaning on in that regard. When she was worn out, the older woman would all but force her to rest. When all Byleth's advisors disagreed with one another, and she had no idea what the right decision would be, Judith encouraged her to trust her gut.
"You've got a smart head on your shoulders," she said "If you didn't, we wouldn't have won the war. And it's not just because you're smart with weapons—it's because you're smart with people, too. You know what everyone's strengths and weaknesses are, and how to use them efficiently. Those skills aren't just useful in war—they're useful here, too."
Byleth took that advice to heart. And by doing so, she strengthened the newly unified Fódlan over the course of the next six months.
But although it seemed as though the world had gotten better under her rule, it still had its dangers. Just when Byleth thought her regime was finally starting to become stable, a rebellion broke out, led by the remnants of Those Who Slither in the Dark and Edelgard's old army.
Byleth was ready to fight them—she was always ready for combat—but her country was not. She had chosen not to maintain a large standing army, not wanting to give the impression that she would ever use force to rule. But with as little troops she had now, she felt as if she had been declawed.
She was not afraid of dying. But for a moment, just before she set foot on the battlefield, she thought almost inexplicably of the way Claude had held her in his arms before he'd left for Almyra, and how she'd thought it felt like dancing. And she couldn't help but wonder, fleetingly, if she would ever see him again. Perhaps she would die here, and he would resent that she'd taken this course of action, rather than retreat to live and fight again another day.
Still, she would never abandon her people, not even to save herself. She would stand her ground and defend them, until she either defeated the enemy or gave her last breath trying. That was who she was.
Even now, she was still the Ashen Demon, and she always would be.
She gave herself over to the trance of battle, to the whirl of her limbs and the lash of the sword that was as much a part of her as the unbeating stone heart in her chest. And she realized that this too was like dancing. No one was holding her this time, as she cut down anyone who dared approach, but the motion was invigorating in much the same way. It gave her the same feeling of being at ease in her own skin. She felt as if she was moving in tune with a song only she could hear, the symphony of the clanging blades and cries of war and her own pulse drumming in her ears.
She didn't realize she'd gotten reinforcements from Almyra until the leader of the revolt had died beneath her sword and the battle was over. Only then did she notice the faces of foreigners mixed in with her own people, looking at her with something like awe. And only then did she notice Claude there at her side, sitting atop his white wyvern with a familiar, triumphant grin on his face.
She wanted to throw her arms around him immediately, but after a moment had passed, she became aware that she was covered in the blood of her enemies. And after another, she remembered that she was the queen of Fódlan. Whether she liked it or not, she had an image to maintain.
"Claude," she said, settling for a small smile. She had much she wanted to tell him, but for once she felt in control of her voice. "Thank you."
His emerald eyes glinted, and she knew he had noticed the change in her immediately. "Of course. There could not be friendship between our countries if Almyra turned a blind eye in your time of need."
She glanced around at the many soldiers on wyverns, all looking to her and Claude, and nodded.
How did you do this? she wanted to ask him. What scheme brought all of these people here with you?
But there would be time for that later, when they were alone. For now, there were other matters to attend to.
"We can speak more after we have healed our wounded," she said. "I will tell my healers to treat your people as though they were my own."
She set off to join Marianne, Linhardt, Mercedes, and the others, knowing her own magic could be of help to them. Claude said something to one of his generals in Almyran, and then followed her. No one questioned it.
It was only later that she learned why.
"I come to you not as Duke Reigan," Claude explained, after they finished treating injuries and began heading for her castle, "but as King of Almyra."
At the sound of those words, she felt simultaneously warm and cold.
She was proud, of course, that he had accomplished such a feat, especially in only a matter of months. It also explained why he had been able to bring the Almyran army to her aid. But at the same time, it made her wonder how well she really knew him.
Because she'd had no idea that he'd been planning this. But he had made her queen of Fódlan and then asked her to marry him, all the while intending to claim his own crown in Almyra.
His proposal had been, undoubtably, a shrewd political move. His marriage to Byleth would single-handedly unite Fódlan and Almyra. Nothing else could work so perfectly.
Was that the only reason he'd done it, then? Had all the rest of it been only in Byleth's mind? She had accepted his proposal without question, without any verbal expression of feelings being exchanged.
Something in her chest twisted.
If that was the truth, and Claude had no feelings for her beyond friendship, did that change things? Or could she marry him anyway, knowing it was for the good of both of their countries?
"Byleth?" he asked, and she realized with a start that this was the first time he had ever called her by her name. "Are you all right?"
She nodded. "Just surprised."
His smile was just too mischievous to meet the standards of royal etiquette. "What, you didn't think I could do it?"
"I didn't know you were even trying to do it," she corrected, shaking her head. "It seems you still have much to learn about good communication."
"Do I, now?" His smile only grew. "I believe I do recall a friend of mine telling me something like that once."
"Hmm," Byleth agreed, glancing away. "Whoever said that to you definitely had a point."
Claude stifled a laugh. He leaned in closer to her, lowering his voice so only she could hear him. "I've missed you, my friend."
"I've missed you too," she murmured back, feeling the knot in her chest unravel. Whatever his intentions in asking her to marry him, their close bond couldn't be denied.
By the time they reached her palace, she could already hear whispers as the people of Derdriu realized that the new King of Almyra was their very own Duke Reigan. The government of the former Alliance had been notorious for disagreeing on everything, but Claude's clever ideas, tolerant stances, and friendly demeanor had always made him popular with his people. Here in Derdriu, at least, Byleth guessed that some would reconsider their views on Almyra simply because he was ruling it.
At the palace, she met formally with Claude and her advisors, where they discussed Claude's intentions for diplomacy with Fódlan. Altogether it felt quite ridiculous—this was Claude, who had already fought a war against the Empire for them and then yielded his power to Byleth—but eventually the former Alliance lords seemed satisfied. After that, Byleth requested that she and Claude be allowed to speak to one another in private.
Only when they were alone did Claude allow the perfectly crafted expression to slide off his face.
"Finally," he said, most of the tension leaving his body. "I was starting to think we'd never get the chance to speak to one another."
Byleth hummed in acknowledgment. She felt a thrill in her gut, something midway between anticipation and unease. Now that she finally had Claude to herself, she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to do.
"My friend..." he started, in a soft voice. "Byleth. Tell me what you're thinking. I can't read your face at all."
That was highly unusual for Claude, who seemed to evaluate all of his conversations by the expressions and not the actual words exchanged. She blinked, hoping it would soften her apparently stony look. "Why didn't you tell me you were planning to become the king of Almyra?"
He frowned, just the slightest bit. He started to speak, and then stopped.
Byleth reached out and touched his hand, which made him give a small start. "I'm not angry. I just want you to be honest with me. You don't have to worry about making it sound pretty—I'm not someone you have to impress."
He stared at her then, as if he was in some way seeing her for the first time. "You've always been the one I had to impress the most, Teach."
Her grip on his hand tightened. "No. That's not true. All I ever wanted was for you to be honest with me."
He let out a short laugh, although there was much more tension in it than humor. "Maybe you've forgotten, my friend, but I remember competing with Edelgard and Dimitri for your attention quite vividly. I had to play every card up my sleeve to get you to pick the Golden Deer."
She shook her head. "It might have seemed that way, but... I was yours from the moment you first asked me to join you. That night in Remire. The other two tried to flatter me, but you—you were so blunt. It made me feel like I could trust you the most."
"Huh." He tilted his head, as if seeing her from a different angle would help him understand her better. "That certainly would have been helpful to know a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, Claude. I..." She stumbled over the thought and took a deep breath before trying again. "Feelings have always been so difficult for me. I'm not sure I could have articulated it then even if I'd tried."
"You seem different now," he said, almost warily. "You're not the same as you were before I left."
She knew how he felt. It was the same way she'd felt when she'd returned to her students after she'd unknowingly vanished for five years.
But it was human nature to change, and she'd found that it usually ended up being for the better. She hoped Claude would come to see that once they were reacquainted.
"I had to change," she said, with a bittersweet smile. "I wouldn't have survived in this role the way I was then. Without you around to make all our plans sound perfect, I had to learn how to do it myself. It turns out it's a lot harder than you made it look."
Claude smiled back, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'm sorry if I put too much pressure on you, my friend."
She shook her head. "Nothing's too much if it's for you."
She hadn't quite meant to say that, but it was true, and Claude seemed to sense it. "... And yet the only thing you want in return is honesty."
"That's right," she said, hoping she hadn't made some misstep along the way. In general, she'd gotten much better at speaking, but there were still times when she felt things so strongly that they didn't come out right.
Claude sighed. "It's not easy talking about my heritage. For the longest time, I thought everyone—my friends—would look at me differently, just because I was from Almyra. And after I stopped worrying about that part so much... I started worrying they'd feel like I'd tricked them, because I'd gone so long without saying anything. At that point it was easier not to."
He paused, studying her expression, and then continued. "I knew you'd probably figured out where I'd come from by then, so I did admit to you that I was going back to Almyra. But as for my goal of taking the throne... it all seemed so distant from my life in Fódlan. It didn't feel like something I could talk about."
Byleth felt an ache deep in her chest. A sensation of wanting him to be able to talk to her about anything. But she couldn't find those words yet. Instead, she ran her thumb lightly over the back of his hand.
He looked down at their hands, at the spot where she was touching him. For a moment, he simply watched. Then he rose to his feet, curling his fingers around hers and pulled her towards him.
"It's like you said," he told her, his voice tense even as he wrapped her in a gentle embrace. "I'm not sure I could have found the words to tell you even if I'd tried."
His heartbeat was thumping close to her ear, its pace urgent, as if trying to convey what his words couldn't.
"I understand," she said softly.
Claude let out a breathless laugh, a sound of relief. "You always do."
For a moment, they simply stood there holding each other. Byleth felt his warmth soak into her skin.
"Claude?" she asked. "Are you going to stay with me this time?"
He rested his forehead against hers. "Not quite yet. If I leave Almyra so soon after becoming king, it'll be seen as neglecting my people. But once we're married, we'll be able to work something out. Maybe we can spend half our time in Fódlan and the other half in Almyra. That would be fair to both of our countries."
She murmured in agreement. She did want to see Almyra, to meet Claude's parents. And altogether, it mattered to her less where they were and more that Claude was by her side.
"Speaking of marriage," he went on, "we need to decide when we want to announce it to the public. Today went really well, all things considered, but I think it would be better to give the people some time to adjust to the idea of friendship between our two countries first, before we start talking about joining them."
"I agree," said Byleth, although the idea of being apart from Claude while they waited was unpleasant. Part of her wanted to marry him immediately, so they'd never be forced to part again. She tightened her grip on him. "Oh, and that reminds me—I have something for you. I meant to give it to you before you left, but everything happened so suddenly that it must have slipped my mind."
"Is that so?" he asked, and she could hear his affection for her coloring his tone. She'd given him lots of gifts before, usually random things she'd found that reminded her of him.
But this was different.
"It's in my room," she told him, taking a few steps back without letting go of his hand. "Come with me."
She turned and led the way, Claude following behind her. He knew exactly where her room was—it had been his when he'd been leader of the Alliance—but he let her guide him by the hand without complaint.
When they reached her room, she went to the beside table, pulled the drawer open, and retrieved her mother's ring. She held it out to Claude. "Here."
He took it from her carefully, studying the intricate arrangement of purple gemstones. "You got this for me?"
"It was my mother's," she told him. "My father gave it to me just before he died. He told me to give it to... to the person I'm going to marry."
That was not exactly what her father had said, but Byleth didn't think this conversation would be the best time to confess her feelings. Their tone had been so political a moment ago, and she didn't want to try to get between Claude and his elaborate plans.
He smiled. "Thank you, my friend. I'll take good care of it."
She watched as he slid it onto his pinky, the only finger it would fit on, and then looked up into his eyes. "I know you will."
For a moment, they were both silent, simply gazing at each other. Something seemed to pass between them—something Byleth couldn't quite name.
Some people could communicate a entire exchanges with just their eyes. But that wasn't a language Byleth could speak.
Claude was the first to look away. His eyes traveled around the room, first with a sort of restless energy and then with genuine curiosity. "Not much for personal decor, are you?"
She shrugged. "I don't have any need for that sort of thing."
He gave a vaguely amused huff. This was small talk, Byleth realized, meant to dissolve a tension in the air she hadn't quite noticed until now. "I see you're as unsentimental as ever."
"Well, I wouldn't say I'm entirely unsentimental," she said, running her thumb over the ring on her finger. "I'm just not sentimental about my room. I barely spend any time in here, after all, so why does it matter what it looks like?"
"It sounds like you're not getting enough rest," he observed.
"You're one to talk." She smiled. "I'm sure you've been staying up late every night plotting out more of your brilliant schemes."
"If it makes you feel any better, I can assure you I will not be doing that tonight," he told her, walking around her and flopping down on her bed. "It's been an extremely long day. It turns out that dealing with nobles is especially difficult when you've just become king of another country."
"Hmm, I can imagine." She sat down next to him, suddenly feeling her own exhaustion. How had it been just this morning when she'd set out to fight the remnants of Edelgard's army and Those Who Slither in the Dark? It felt as if a short lifetime had passed since then. "They're challenging enough to deal with on a regular basis."
"Ah, so now you understand what I used to go through," he yawned.
She hummed in disagreement. "You only had to deal with the Alliance. Try compromising with all of Fódlan."
"No, thanks," he said, closing his eyes. "I'm not taking it back. It's yours now."
"Well, the joke's on you," she replied, "because if we unite our countries, then you'll have to help me manage all of Fódlan's nobles in addition to the ones in Almyra."
"Hmm," he said lightly, though she saw a genuine smile sneak into his face as he thought about it. "Well, if it's for my dream, then I suppose I'll have to make that sacrifice."
She hummed in acknowledgment, too tired to attempt making more witty banter. Her eyelids were starting to feel heavy, but she kept them open, knowing she'd doze off if she closed them regardless of what position she was in.
"What have you been up to lately?" Claude asked, without opening his own eyes. "Do you still find time to garden and fish between everything else?"
There was a continent's worth of space between them now, and she could tell that this was an attempt to close it.
"Of course," she responded, as if it were obvious. "I'm not about to give up my hobbies just because I'm the queen."
He laughed a little at her indignant tone. "I was just asking... But it's good to know you're becoming even more expressive these days."
"One day I'll raise my voice and it'll really surprise you." She nudged him. "What about you? Still finding time to mix poisons?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
She smiled. "You're right—I guess that was a foolish question."
He was the same old Claude, after all, with the same quirks and the same interests. Even though there were lots of things about him she hadn't known until now, that didn't change the things she had known all along.
He's still my Claude.
They continued chatting about little meaningless things until, slowly, their exhaustion got the better of them. Feeling sleep tug more insistently at her tired muscles, Byleth sank down onto the mattress beside Claude. It was nice, she mused through the fog of drowsiness, to feel his warmth so close to her body. They weren't quite touching, but he was still closer to her than anyone else ever had been. His warm breath tickled her ear in a way that was somehow soothing.
She knew she should kick him out of her bed so she could sleep properly—there would be talk tomorrow if he spent the night with her. But she couldn't bring herself to do more than grunt and nuzzle into his shoulder. Distantly, she felt his arm wrap around her, pulling her closer, before sleep claimed them both.
AN: Thanks for reading! If you're enjoying the story so far, please leave a review letting me know what you think! Constructive criticism is always welcome, as well.