I still have no beta and these characters are not mine, I just play with them.
The sound of her apartment door was still echoing around the space when Kate flung her body on her couch. The emotional turmoil of the last few days coupled with the minuscule amount of sleep she'd achieved the previous night made her limbs feel as if they weighed a ton. Still, sleep would not come. Instead, she let herself cry for the first time, outside Burke's office, in months.
She cried for Castle, for the pain she'd caused him, for the look on his face when he asked her to just give him some time. She cried for all the progress that had been made over the last months, both in her relationship with Castle and personally. She thought she would be able to explain why she lied, but that once she told him she returned his feelings, the lie wouldn't matter so much. She felt she was almost where she wanted to be. She almost felt whole, ready to come clean to him. She really thought she would be able to leap over what remained of her walls and dive into something with Castle. It might have been naive, but bombing case made her believe she could do it. And she destroyed it in a single sentence. So she cried.
Kate woke hours later with puffy eyes and a crick in her next. When a shower failed to loosen the offending muscle, she opted for yoga. Recently, most of her days off had been spent, at least in part, with Castle. Once she called him out for lying about having never seen Forbidden Planet, they sometimes took in an old Sci-Fi movie. Sometimes they just spent the afternoon in the park, Castle scribbling snatches of conversation in a notebook while Kate read. Over the hours they spent together, she slowly began, with Burke's urging, to open up to him about their most recent summer apart, but she was still careful about what she shared.
She'd spared him the details of her earliest panic attacks and stories about how, for the first two weeks, she couldn't walk three feet without needing her dad to catch her. Instead, she told him about the incremental progress she made once she was allowed physical therapy. They talked about the struggle she had casting her fishing line into the water the day her dad insisted she join him on the dock. She told him about the 18 inch bass she caught and, reluctantly, about the fact that her dad had to help her reel it in. She even showed him a picture of the fish. Despite holding back the heavier details, she could tell knowing a little about her time there helped him. Kate had hoped to take Castle to the cabin during the upcoming summer. She knew it was important to him that he see the place where she put herself back together.
During the two hours Kate focused on stretching and breathing, she strengthened her resolve. She would give Castle the time he asked for, but she wouldn't disappear completely. He needed to know she would never do that to him again. She needed to do what he had always done for her. She needed to keep showing up. She decided to bring him coffee and a message each morning. She wouldn't text him about crime scenes. She wouldn't expect him to show up at the precinct. She would give him the time he asked for, but she would still would bring him coffee.
Stomach protesting, Kate gathered her wallet, phone, and keys to go in search of food. She was on the point of stepping out her apartment door when she nearly tripped over a small, green bag on the floor. Kate picked it up and inside was the white, plastic cup she'd delivered Castle's coffee in just hours before. She immediately noticed the sleeve was missing. Stepping back inside, she sat the bag on her hall table and carried the mug over to the kitchen, intent on washing it out. When she unscrewed the lid, she found the inside of the cup pristine and a slip of paper folded in half. Fingers trembling, she unfolded it to find Castle's careful longhand. She recognized the script from the rare occasions when Castle took great care in his words.
The paper read, "It's going to take a lot more than a wrecking ball."
A fresh wave of tears flooding her eyes, Kate couldn't help but wonder if he'd even tasted the drink or if he'd just washed it down the drain. Either way, Castle had taken the time to return the cup and respond to her note. That gave her hope.
Over the next three weeks, Kate rose before the sun every day. Each morning, she made a cappuccino and poured it into the travel cup. She had to admit, she was getting better, often making a passable drink on her second try and a perfect one by the third or fourth. Along with the coffee, she wrote a message every morning. The second day was simple: "2/100. Then consider this a coffee shaped grenade." On the opposite side, she'd written, "Until tomorrow." She hoped the echo of his words from the beginning of their partnership would help him realize she still had hope.
She tried to vary the messages she left him. Sometimes she would write him a conversation she overheard on the street. Several times she quoted a line from a poem that reminded her of him. Mostly she apologized and told him how much she regretted lying to him and how much she hated that she hurt him. She tried to offer as much explanation as the coffee sleeve allowed room for. She needed him to believe she was truly sorry and she would never hurt him like that again.
After she delivered his coffee, Kate made her way to work. She found the relative silence in the bull pen to be comforting. The extra time she was putting in allowed her to take a longer lunch or even head home early when they didn't have an active case. Upon arriving back at her apartment, she would inevitably find the green bag containing the clean cup. Castle hadn't left a note for her since the first one, but every day she hoped to find one.
It wasn't until coffee number 24 that she found another one. The note she'd written that morning had said, "I hope this drink is perfect, your barista sustained a battle wound this morning." While most of the previous notes had been full of regret and remorse, Kate had decided to take a chance and aim for humor that morning. She was grateful she only had a trial to prep for the next day because she wasn't sure she would be able to focus on much else. The note said, "Save your barista's fingers and your money."
Kate spent another night crying herself to sleep. She made and delivered Castle's coffee, the message stating that she may have lost the battle, but there was still a war to be won. Kate slunk into the conference room the next morning prepared to hide behind the mountain of trial prep that had plagued her for the last week. No sooner had she disappeared into a chair, the elevator dinged and she heard Castle calling to Espo. Her heart seemed to fail and her legs no longer seemed to work. It had been a month since he walked away from her. A month of coffees. Kate couldn't help but smile to herself. She thought Castle would have liked that turn of phrase if he'd been there to hear it.
Her cowardice winning out yet again, she elected to stay hidden behind the boxes. She peered through the stack and caught a glimpse of Castle. He was talking to Espo. Kate saw Javi nod toward the conference room and, while she couldn't hear the conversation, she felt sure he was cluing Castle in to her location. Judging by the look on his face, Castle hadn't inquired when Javi volunteered the information. She watched as he schooled his features and turned toward the break room.
Kate gasped when she realized where he was heading. Just as she was frantically trying to decide if she should flee or go face him, her phone buzzed with a text from Kevin.
Can I tell him where the espresso machine went?
Kate swiped her phone off the table and replied that he could. It was time he knew she was the one making his coffee, that the barista who'd sustained the wound was her. She gazed down at the blistered place on her first finger where the steam burned her. Maybe it was better, she reasoned, that he know the coffee is coming directly from her. Learning the same about him had done serious damage to her walls. She watched from behind a box until she saw him board the elevator. Only then did she make her way out to the bull pen.
"What did Castle want?" She asked Javi.
"He wanted to know where he could find some detective named Slaughter. You know, the severed heads case. He thought shadowing him would jump start his writing. Apparently it hasn't been going too good and that ex-wife of his is starting to breathe down his neck."
"What did you tell him?" Kate asked, an edge of panic in her voice.
"I told him to find some other way to unblock his writer. Slaughter was not the answer to his problems. I told him following Slaughter would likely only get him a broken nose or a broken hand and neither of those would help him write. He wasn't happy. Said he was gonna holler at Kev before he left." Javi replied, smirking at the way Kate's shoulders sagged in relief.
"Thanks, Javi." Kate said. The detective just nodded at her as she made her way past him, toward Ryan's desk.
"So he knows." She said, perching on his corner next to him.
"He does." Kevin replied. "He was angry at first, thought Gates had gotten rid of it. When I told him you took it home, he seemed surprised. But not like he was mad, like he'd just realized something he wasn't expecting."
Kate sighed and thanked Kevin for his help. The man didn't seem to know how exactly he'd helped, but he didn't push for more info. Kate returned to the file room to finish the day's work. She had trouble focusing, instead she found herself wondering how Castle would react to what he learned today. She rushed out of the bull pen at the end of the day, desperate to get home, desperate to find a note in the mug.
When she exited the elevator, Kate spied the green bag immediately. Instead of its usual spot on the floor, it was hanging from her doorknob. Just this simple change was enough to spark a small ray of hope. She scooped the bag from the knob and hurried inside. The bag fell to the floor along with the lid. The scrap of paper she pulled from the cup only contained a few sentences, but her heart soared as she took in every letter.
"I don't know if it's the blend of beans or the barista, but this is the best cappuccino I've ever had. Cracks are forming."
A small smile on her face, Kate decided to use those cracks to her advantage and step up her game.
A/N: First, I want to thank everyone for their encouragement and wonderful feedback. I am rapidly becoming addicted to all your lovely comments. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. I have read so many fics where Kate simply apologizes and says she loves him too and all is forgiven. I love a story where Kate has to work for it a little. At this point, I am not sure how much longer this story will go. At least one more chapter, but I am not sure when it will be posted.
Just a couple notes on this AU, Castle's secret falls outside the scope of this story. We could debate all day whose secret was worse and never arrive at a conclusion. I like writing for Kate, so Kate's secret is the one I choose to deal with. Also, I won't be diving into 4x23. This story will resolve itself before everything goes to hell in "Always."