The routine of making coffee for Castle every morning was becoming a ritual of sorts for Kate. She no longer fought with the machine. It still spit and sputtered at her on occasion, but they seemed to have come to a tentative truce. Sometimes she still had to remake his drink, but it no longer burned her. Kate made her coffee deliveries just a little later every morning. She wanted him to find the cups still warm, but was still anxious to run into him. She still wasn't sure she would know what to say to him face to face. So, instead, she allowed the white cups to do her talking for her. Now that she knew his walls were beginning to crack, Kate decided she would try to give her coffee sleeves a little more impact. She still included a random snippet of overheard conversation when she thought it would make him smile, still the occasional line of poetry, but mostly Kate shared pieces of herself she'd shared with no one besides her therapist and some she hadn't shared with anyone at all.
"28/100: Cowardice, thy name was Beckett. You and your words were wrapped up in the second worst experience of my life. It's not your fault I couldn't separate the two."
"29/100: I know you blame yourself. You think you put me in the cross hairs, but you didn't. The rabbit hole, the falling, the running. The fault is entirely mine."
"31/100: Running was simultaneously the most selfish, most weak and most necessary thing I have ever done."
"34/100: The panic attacks were really bad. Sometimes two or three a day when I first came off the meds. I was convinced someone was coming to finish what they'd started. I thought the cabin would keep me safe and if I wasn't around, you were safe too."
Kate hadn't expected a response to any of these deliveries. She knew Castle would need a little time to process each admission and would be eagerly waiting to see what she would reveal the following day. She wasn't disappointed when the cup was returned, washed and empty, to her door every afternoon. She simply took it inside and began work on the next day's sleeve. She was keeping a journal of things she wanted to tell him. Kate could only hope, eventually, she could tell him some of it in person.
About a month into her time as Castle's barista, she came home to find the green bag, as she always did, hanging from her doorknob. The sleeve that morning had been a heavy one. "35/100: The email confirming my pre-order of Heat Rises triggered the worst panic attack I'd had until that point… at least until July 4th."
Upon entering her apartment, Kate extracted the white travel mug and carried it over to the machine. She heard a small rustle come from inside the cup and knew, finally, Castle had included another note. She unscrewed the lid and lifted out the small slip of white paper. His words were perfectly straight, despite the unlined page. "I do blame myself. Part of me always will. You're right. Running was selfish, but I do understand it. At least I had Mother and Alexis when the nightmares set in. I am sorry you had to go through that alone. I would have been there in a heartbeat."
Kate sank on to the stool at her island. She didn't know he'd had nightmares. She guessed she should have assumed, given how severe her own trauma had been, but she hadn't let herself think about it. She hated herself more than ever for the pain she caused him. She was sure he'd tried to shield Alexis from the worst of his suffering, but Kate knew Alexis was smart enough to recognize what was going on. It was no wonder the girl seemed to loath Kate's very presence. She supposed she had some making up to do there as well. Kate retrieved her phone and fired off a text to Lanie, inquiring about Alexis' coffee habits. Perhaps coffee could be her way back in with more than one Castle.
The next morning, Kate delivered Castle's cappuccino and a hazelnut, almond milk latte for Alexis. On the sleeve with Alexis' coffee, Kate had written an apology for putting her father in danger, her actions over the previous summer, and the promise that she would do everything in her power to never hurt her father like that again. It was a challenge to fit it all on one sleeve and the writing became cramped near the bottom, but Kate felt she'd made a good start at making amends with the teenage redhead.
On Castle's coffee, Kate opted for less apology and more truth. "36/100: Every time I closed my eyes, I saw you succeed in taking that bullet and every time you told me you loved me with the last breath in your body."
She crept into the precinct before the sun was up and buried herself in the case she'd left the night before. Castle hadn't been in since he came to ask Espo and Ryan about working with Slaughter. She hadn't had the nerve to ask the boys if Castle went through with shadowing him, but neither of them mentioned it. She took that to mean he decided against it. Kate was happy he didn't go looking for the other detective. He didn't have a great reputation on the force and, of course, no one would have his back like she would.
Kate returned home that night to find the constant green bag. When she lifted the lids off the cups, she found a note in each. The first simply said, "Okay." She registered the handwriting to be similar, but certainly not Castle's. She wasn't entirely sure what to do with the single word, but she took it to mean that she wasn't forgiven, but she'd taken a step in the right direction.
The other note, she recognized immediately as Castle's writing. "I would have gladly taken it for you. Just as I would have for anyone I love. And I would have said the same if our roles were reversed." Kate gasped slightly at this admission. It was the first time he'd acknowledged what he said in some other tone than anger. IT was hard to tell the emotion behind the words, but, to Kate, they read as simple fact. He loved her, therefore he did the same as if it were Alexis or Martha who'd been on the other end of the sniper scope.
The shock of this admission was tempered slightly by the words scrawled hastily at the bottom of the page. "Bringing my daughter coffee sets a dangerous precedent, Detective. Also, Mother casually mentioned she likes cold brew with Irish cream." Smiling slightly, Kate sat the cups on the counter and moved back toward the door. She grabbed her wallet and keys, silently hoping the corner store had travel cups, and maybe drink carriers.
It had been almost six weeks since Castle had been to the Twelfth. Kate spent the previous day decompressing from her session with Burke. She'd told him more about her barista services. He thought it was amusing that she was now delivering coffee daily to every member of the Castle family. He also thought it was good for her to share more about the summer she and Castle spent apart. She also told him about the return notes Castle sometimes included in the cups. He agreed with Kate. To him, it sounded like she was making progress. Burke also encouraged her to share more with him. He recognized, as did Kate, Castle's need to see how far she'd come from the person she was on the swings the day she asked him to wait.
The coffee sleeve the following morning contained more words than she'd given him before. Over both sides of the cardboard, she'd written, "40/100: Physical healing eventually started to lead to emotional healing. Every day I got a little stronger. One day, I found I could let myself think about you. One day, I found I could read your words. One day, the picture on your book jacket made me smile. One day, I needed to hear your voice so badly I sent my dad to the library for the audio book of Hell Hath No Fury. You helped me heal."
Castle's return note that night made Kate laugh out loud for the first time in what felt like months. "Angry Wiccans out for blood? You must have missed me bad. I always knew you were a hardcore Castle fan. Now seriously, are you stormlver69?"
The next morning, she decided she wouldn't halt all their momentum with complete levity. "I came back to the city intending to tell you as soon as I saw you. But, again, cowardice, thy name was Beckett. Then, I came back to work and all the progress I thought I'd made turned to dust. PS: I will neither confirm nor deny that I am a due paying member of your fan site .
After Kate made her delivery, she walked off the elevator to find Ryan and Espo crowded next to her desk engaged in a tense, whispered conversation. When they saw her across the bull pen, their heads sprang apart and they turned shoulder to shoulder.
"Morning, Beckett." Javi greeted her with a wide smile plastered on his face.
"Morning, boss." Ryan singsonged at almost the same moment.
Beckett eyed with suspiciously. "What are you two up to?" She asked, although she wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"Nothing." the detectives chorused together.
"Okay..." Beckett replied, slowly. "Then, would it be alright if I sat down?"
The two men looked at each other out of the corners of their eyes and slowly moved apart. Her breath caught in her chest. A white cup with brown sleeve stood sentry in the middle of her desk.
"When?" was all Kate could get out. She looked between Espo and Ryan, desperate for an answer.
"We're not sure." Kevin began. "It wasn't here when I got in at 7, but I was watching video surveillance til ten minutes ago."
"I got here five minutes before you did." Javi explained. "It was here when I got here."
Kate reached down and lifted the cup toward her nose. It was still warm to the touch. It couldn't have been there more than ten or fifteen minutes. She inhaled the faint scent of vanilla and her perfect blend of coffee beans. He was probably delivering hers at the same time she was dropping off his. She felt a twinge of sadness that he hadn't stayed, but this was still progress. Castle brought her coffee.
A/N: I apologize for the long wait. The holiday got away from me. I still have no beta, so all mistakes are mine. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read and review. I love all the feedback an encouragement. Please keep it coming. I have the next chapter underway, and, unless my imagination runs away with me, it will likely be the last.