The next morning, Kate took more time than usual to make sure the cappuccino she made Castle was perfect. She was in the middle of agonizing over what to write on the sleeve when her phone buzzed, alerting her that Castle was waiting outside. In a split second decision, she wrote, "43/100: I have PTSD. I am not making excuses, but that's part of why I am still in therapy. I just wanted you to know I am doing the work and I am trying to be more."
Kate gathered her phone, keys, and Castle's coffee from the counter and dashed from her apartment. She arrived downstairs slightly breathless. She decided not to wonder whether it was from sprinting down the stairs or because she was facing an entire day in Castle's company after spending only hours with him in the last few weeks. She spotted him through the door of her building and couldn't help the smile that broke out on her face. He was leaning against a newspaper box and he was holding coffee.
Castle returned her smile when Kate opened the door and stepped out into the weak April sunshine. Both their smiles widened when they exchanged cups and Kate prayed he didn't notice her whole body shiver when his fingers brushed hers.
"Good morning, Detective Beckett." Castle greeted her, cheerily. "Thanks for this. I needed it this morning."
Kate smiled at his admission. "I am happy to provide. I believe I'm nearly half way through what I owe."
Castle merely hummed his response and turned in the direction of the park.
"Before we go," she continued, "would it be alright if I wasn't Detective Beckett today? Can I just be Kate? At least for the duration of our walk?" Her voice fell toward the end of her sentence, her eyes fixed firmly on the ground.
Castle came to a stop a few paces ahead and turned to face her. She brought her eyes up to meet his face. At first, she was confused by the slightly dumbstruck look. Relief washed over her when he broke into a wide smile.
"Of course. I would like nothing more, but I will ask that I be extended the same courtesy."
"We can't both be Kate. That would be confusing." she teased.
Castle opened his mouth to respond, but again was struck dumb. Kate reached for his coffee free hand. "Let's go, Rick."
The walk to the park lasted the length of their coffees and by the time they arrived, both Kate and Rick were a little at odds for what to do next. Kate was working up the courage to bring up the bombing case and everything that followed when Rick's voice pulled her from her reverie.
"Is it okay if I ask about the sleeve?" he asked hesitantly. "I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, it's okay. We don't have to."
"No. It's okay." Kate replied. "That's part of what the coffee is about, part of what this walk is about… the truth. You can ask me anything you want."
"Are you sure about that?" Castle replied, a hint of surprise in his voice.
"I've spent too long lying to myself and, more importantly, lying to you. I've come a long way since that day on the swings. While my nature is still to run or to lie and I am still terrified you're not going to like what you see or hear, I am finally in a place where I am being completely honest with myself and, by extension, with you. So, yes, I am sure. Fire away."
Kate laughed at the cringe on his face. "That was a terrible joke. I expected better of you, Kate."
Kate just smirked and nudged his shoulder. "I'm serious. No more lies. Ask your questions."
Rick motioned to a nearby bench and the pair moved to sit. Castle seemed to be steeling himself as he turned to look at her. It occurred to Kate that he might be reinforcing what remained of the wall between them, preparing for her to hurt him further. She knew this wasn't going to be an easy conversation, but she resolved to tell him the whole truth.
"I guess," Castle began, "I want to know when you remembered. I mean I know you remember what I said, but I really want to know when."
Kate knew she would have to answer this question sooner or later, but she was hoping for the latter. She took a deep breath before she answered him.
"I know you probably think I remembered as soon as I woke up, but I didn't. When I woke up, I was still intubated. Once that was sorted, all I could really think about was pain. The meds made me so sleepy. They also gave me these really vivid dreams. I relived the shooting every time I fell asleep except everything was brighter and sharper than it was in real life. That's where I first remembered what you said, but at that point, I thought it hadn't really happened, that it was just part of the dream. Sometimes it was you giving the speech and I tried to push you out of the way. Sometimes you saved me. Sometimes I saved you. But more often than not, we both were just seconds too late. The only thing that stayed the same in every dream were your words."
Kate paused here to catch her breath and swallow the tears stinging in her eyes. Forever in sync with her, Castle reached across the distance between them and gave her arm a slight squeeze. She took another deep breath and continued.
"By the time I realized that part had really happened, your words were completely tangled up with all the rest of it and I couldn't separate them. Thinking of any part of that day just sent me spiraling. I have spent almost a year trying to sort it all out. Some times I still have trouble, but most days your words are the only thing that sustain me."
"That and the caffeine I provide." Castle smirked, trying to inject a little levity.
"That too." Kate chuckled. "But mostly, what you said."
"You said," Castle began, "The PTSD is one reason you were seeing someone. What's the other reason."
"I have PTSD that stems from more than just my shooting, Rick. I needed to deal with a lot of demons I ignored for a very long time. I'm trying to be more than just the detective on a crusade to avenge her murdered mother. I'm trying to step out of my hiding place and find who I am, not without her murder hanging over me, but with it. I am trying to figure out how to carry it and not miss out on the life she would want for me. Apparently, I deserve to be happy and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. I'm trying to take down the walls so I can have the kind of relationship I want." She paused here, holding his gaze until the meaning of what she was saying registered in his eyes. She saw the moment he realized she was referencing both the fight they'd had the night before Montgomery was killed and their conversation on the swings. She took a deep breath to gather what remained of her courage and continued: "The shooting is what put me in therapy, but you are what kept me there."
"Me?"
"You." Kate stated simply. "I should have been honest with you from the beginning and I will always be sorry that I wasn't, but I need you to know… all the work I've done and that I'm still doing is to make sure that I don't ruin us."
"Us? You want there to be an 'us'?"
Kate smiled softly at him. "I don't make coffee for just anyone, Rick."
"Not even for yourself." He chuckled.
"My point, exactly."
"Thank you for telling me all that, Kate. I know it couldn't have been easy for you. And, while we're truth telling, I have a confession to make too."
Kate eyed him warily, but he was undeterred. "I kind of figured it was you making my coffee. After that conversation we had the night of Mother's show… then the machine went home with you… I mean, I couldn't be sure. But I hoped. And hope formed the cracks I mentioned."
Kate beamed at him. "I thought your shock at finding out seemed a little too forced to be genuine." She laughed lightly before she continued. "I'm glad you know it's coming from me. It's like I said, I don't make coffee for just anyone."
The rest of the morning passed quickly. Kate and Rick walked nearly the length of the park, stopping for more coffee and a pastry to refuel. After the initial, heavy conversation, they stuck to light topics. Both knew there was more to talk about, but neither wanted to risk too much too soon. They'd made a lot of progress on that park bench, but Kate could tell Castle was still being careful with her, still expecting her to turn tail and run if it got to be too much. She supposed she would just have to keep doing what he'd always done for her. She would keep showing up. Eventually, he would let himself believe she wasn't going anywhere.
Around lunch time, Rick mentioned a deli he knew and suggested they get a sandwich. Kate declined, but quickly explained. "It's not because I don't want to. I just need to head home. I have an appointment tonight and I have some things I need to take care of before I go."
"Right," Castle realized. "It's Thursday. What do you need to do? I'm happy to help with chores."
"Oh I see." Kate teased, "you won't help with paperwork, but you're all about chores. Somehow, that doesn't add up, Castle." Kate hoped her joke would make him smile, but his face just grew more serious.
"I'm just not ready to say good-bye to you." he mumbled, looking at the ground.
Kate smiled softly and inclined her head to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry. If it was something you could help with, I would gladly invite you along. Unfortunately, it's really more homework than a chore."
At the confused look on his face, she continued, "I have to journal."
"Journal?" Rick interrupted. "You mean you have to write?"
"Yeah. Burke, my therapist, he asked me to keep a journal when I went back to see him. He said it would be a good way to sort out everything swirling in my brain. He also said it would help with the weight of it all. That I will always carry what happened to me, but if I could get some of it out on paper, it wouldn't weigh so much. It sounded like a load of crap at first, but there's something to it."
"Makes perfect sense to me. But then, I'm a writer." Castle said, and Kate beamed at him.
"I'm sorry we can't spend more of the day together."
"How about tomorrow?" Castle asked, eagerly. "Come for breakfast. Then, maybe, we could spend the day together."
Kate's smiled widened. "That sounds great. Same time? I'll come to the loft. Will Alexis and Martha be there?"
"Perfect. Alexis has a late start tomorrow and Mother has an afternoon rehearsal, but you really don't need to bring..."
Kate cut him off. "I'll be there at 9 and I will have coffee."
Castle inclined his head in a little bow. "Until tomorrow, Kate."
"Tomorrow." she replied, and turned in the direction of her apartment.
A/N: Shoutout to Vishw for pointing out a plot hole I didn't even realize I'd made. I think I've closed it here and hopefully it doesn't feel too forced. I am through trying to predict when this story will feel finished. I thought this would be the last, but, once again, that turned out to be false. I hope everyone is still willing to stick with me and doesn't feel like this is dragging on too long. Once again, thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. The feedback and comments are always welcome.