A/N: A response to Nobody and None.
We had been questing to the north of Whiterun, on the look out for a relic of interest for Calcelmo. He had spoken of legends concerning a Dwemer device that would make one able to move like the Giants.
The ice bit against my fingers, and I lit a small fire in my palm to keep them warm.
"So where are these newly opened ruins?" I asked. Aerana had the map. I was on edge. Why? Because I was fairly certain this wasn't a cannon quest. At least not one I remembered.
"Just a bit ahead. Aren't you excited Sheo! A never before explored dwarven ruin! Think of the treasure! The untouched machinery-"
"The unsprung traps." I cut off. I had no knowledge of anything here. My foresite wouldn't be helping me. I grimpsed when I reluctantly came to the conclusion that I would just have to walk ahead and spring them myself. Then use the knowledge gained from my deaths to lead us through.
It seems like an extreme reaction, but dwarven traps can kill high level players in the game, and I couldn't risk losing Lydia or Aerana. That was a world I couldn't live in. This way was best. An odd application of the brute force method, I admitted to myself. But effective.
The opening was a crack in the ground between two sections of solid rock in the mountain.
"Say, if nobody has explored this place, how do they know about what could be at the end of it?" Lydia asked. I stopped to think about that.
"That's a really good question." I added perplexed.
Aerana couldn't keep the grin off her face. Adventuring was one of the things that made her really happy. It was a good trait for a Dragonborn, I figured.
"Apparently, Calcelmo found a note on his bed table. His guard had confirmed nobody had come in or out, and his door remained locked. The whole incident had the Jarl's palace in quite the state of upheaval as I understand it. Those Thalmor that they keep were extremely upset by it. Whining about how much a breach of security it all was, and berating the Guard captain for his men's incompetence." She expositioned helpfully.
"Ah, that makes sense." I said as I cast candle light. Knowing damn well none of that made any sense, but not wanting to think too hard about it. Today was stressing me out.
The first set of Chambers and corridors held nothing but a locked door, of which Aerana gleefully picked, and discarded scraps.
It wasn't until the third chamber that the telltale shutter and and rapid set of clanks alerted us to the release of a Dwarven spider drone. It had barely left it's enclosure before it was a melted red hot mas of steaming scrap.
While resistant to heat, and cold, they didn't do so well when attacked with electricity. Their chasse conducting the harmful plasma into it's more sensitive internal bits easier than fire.
It let out a blast of steam and died. This room was a bit more open, and appeared to be either a work room or a cafeteria. It was always hard to tell with the celestially expelled Mer.
"Sheo, you said you knew what happened to the dwarves right?" Aerana asked.
I nodded as I kept my eyes open for traps.
"Yep, played with the heart of Lorkan. Took a one way trip to Magna-Ge knows where. Probably their own plain of Oblivion. They always scorned the Aedra and Daedra."
I kept going as the two stopped. I glanced back to see the two looking confused.
"Yeah, sorry. That one would take too long to explain. The TL:DR is Magna-Ge are aliens. Don't think too hard about it." I said and kept walking.
"Tee El Dee Ar?" Lydia mumbled confused. I was just about to explain Too Long Didn't Read when I felt the weight under my foot give. I had just enough time to mutter a quick "Fuck." Before a bladed machine came up the floor and cut my torso clean in half.
Honestly, not the worst way to die. I was dead before I hit the ground. Coming back to the start of the dungeon was a bit disorienting, but I was just happy the save point was so close.
Shaking my head, I consigned myself to do it all over again.
Locked door, spider, exposition via nerd lord knowledge, and I was back. "Hey, be extra careful not to step on that portion of the floor. There's a trap there that will cut you clean in half."
No protest was given, and we carried in. It took two more deaths via trap, and one lucky ballista, of which hit me in the most unfortunate place possible for a man.(Seriously, you ever died of blood loss while two woman craddled you? A the while sobbing 'There gone! Oh gods they're gone!'? I don't recommend it.) I mean, I had been hit in the liver too, but I barely felt that part. After leaving said Ballista in a scrap heap with two very concerned companions wondering why I had gone crazed out of nowhere, we continued on. Two spiders later, and a Sphere, we saw how the pipes led to an expansive chamber. Easily bigger than the final chamber of 4 times Bleak Falls Barrow. The walls were surrounded by large decorative Dwemer machines. They looked like the Titans inside the wall of AOT. There were six of them, and they were like bigger, more advanced versions of Centurions.
And in the center, lit up by oil lanterns was…I inhaled sharply.
"What's wrong." Aerana asked, tensing up for battle. I saw that Lydia had done the same.
"I'm being fucked with. That's what's wrong." I said deadpan.
My companions listened, but didn't relax completely from their battle posture.
"Fucked with how?" Lydia demanded in a clipt tone.
I just pointed at the center piece of the room. There, connected to a tall dwarven frame, about four times as tall as a Centurion, was the source of my bafflement. "Because. That's a Gundam." I revealed offering no context.
I didn't know which one. I wasn't a Gundam guy. But they're pretty iconic. "Whats a Gundam?" And so the inevitable question was asked.
I struggled to come up with a way to explain the concept of a mech, or the how to translate that to Elder Scrolls. The best I could come up with was." It's like a Centurion you ride in. And it's not from Tamriel. Or nirn for that matter. In fact, it's not even from this dimension!" I took a calming breath. "Hence, I'm being fucked with."
My exasperation must have been overbearing, because despite all odds, they didn't press the subject.
"Sooo…we gonna go check it out?" Aerana asked. Mid existential crisis I might add, which was hella rude.
And then that thing happened where my brain got tired of the awful things that were happening to it, and I felt that blessed feeling of apathy wash over me. Hmmmm. Glorious apathy. Or Insanity. It was hard to tell the two apart.
"Sure. Why not." The room was even bigger than impressions gave, and I started to wonder about the structural integrity of it all. Presumably, this had been here for hundreds of years. And yet physics said it should have caved in mid construction. But, physics also said dragon's shouldn't fly, and that people couldn't shoot fire out their ass should they please.
This universe made physics it's bitch. Magicka spit in physics mouth, and then demanded it say 'Thank you'.
It took an extremely long time to get to the center. At this point, I was fairly sure it was bigger on the inside. It fit in a way. Sci-fi seemed to be the theme of the day.
Once we got to the center platform, I could see an ornate, flattened treasure chest, and looking up, I saw that the Gundam was also significantly bigger than I at first thought. Closer to 10x the size of a Centurion. Around 5-6 stories tall. It had scaffolding along it's side, presumably up to the cockpit on its back.
"What are these?" I stopped straining my neck to look straight up, and looked back at the girls. And almost had a heart attack at what I saw.
What were those doing here.
"Sheo? What manner of garment is this?" Lydia asked incredulously, her nose scrunched up in disgust. Aerana looked a pit confused, but otherwise curious.
In their hands, presumably taken from the briefcase shaped chest, were a shrunken verizon if Asuka Langley Soryu, and Rei Ayanami's Plug suits. What were those even doing here? They were shrunken, but a curious Aerana found the button to deflate hers. It sagged enough that should she so choose, she could slip into the red monstrosity.
"Do not put that on." I snapped. Aerana quickly looked away from her examination to me, before looking back at the item.
"Why not?" She asked. And I wanted to slam my head on something hard. I was this close to going through with it. Why not? Why not?!
"Because it's cursed!" I said desperately. Who the hell did this!? I was going to find them and make them pay!
And yet, despite my warnings, she looked back at the horror contemplatively. "Cursed how?"
That was the one that broke me. Seriously? Seriously. She was serious. Fine. The honest truth then. "If you put that on, the male beings who observe us for entertainment a dimension away are going to spank one out to the thought of you. Alternate versions of yourself will be created for the sheer purpose of fulfilling the sexual urges of these outer beings. It is the fate of the original owners of those suits, and the fate of any who would follow in wearing those cursed garments. Also, they chaff." My voice was flat, and the low echo of the chamber gave it a grave and otherworldy atmosphere.
Lydia threw them to the floor as if they were made of acid.
And yet still, Aerana debated it.
"You know, most people would hear what you just said and think your crazy. I happen to know for a fact your crazy, buuuut, your usually right. Damn. I liked the feel of the material."
"It was used in a ritual involving children. In which said children were bathed in blood. Before being forced to fight for their lives." I said. Not lying. Just ..not providing context. A growing theme.
Aerana scowled, then let them drop to the floor. Oh thank Gods. That was not an image I wanted in my head.
She then put one foot inside the expanded suit.
"What are you doing?" I hissed.
"Trying it on. Turn around. I think I need to take my armor off." I did so immediately. The shuffling sound of armor being removed was all I could hear.
"Its cursed!" I complained.
"Yeah, but not for me. Just, some alternate version of me. And she can worry about herself. And I can't really stop what some outer beings do. Lydia! You should try yours on too." She exclaimed excitedly. I could only hold the bridge of my nose as a headache formed.
"I…I would prefer not, my thane." Thank Fuck for Lydia! The voice of reason for the win!
"Please. Pretty please Lydia?" I heard Aerna whine. Ha! No way that would wor- "*sigh* Very well my thane." And I heard a second person start stripping.
"Lydia!" I cried in despair.
"I..that is to say…I am sworn to carry your burdens, my thane. And if these alternate versions of myself find themselves in peril, I know…that they will understand, and fight to protect their own virtue."
The sound of a plug suit pressurizing was heard, then another.
"Ok. You can turn around now." I heard Aerana say.
"I would prefer he didn't."
Taking a deep breath, I turned around. And my breath got caught in my throat.
Her hair was only a few shades lighter than her plug suit. It hugged her curves, and as she started testing out the flexibility of it by turning her waist and hips, I felt a stirring down below.
Lydia was much the same. While Aerana had the figure of a runner. All tight muscle with a petite frame, Lydia fell into the archetype of the Beautiful Barbarian. All muscle and curves. I allowed my eyes to ream over them just long enough to see Lydia's deepening scowl.
"Nope." I said as I turned away. I was determined to keep our relationship platonic. I was still firmly in love with my wife, deceased she may be. I was not ready for this. Not emotionally anyway. Damn you post teenage body!
I was going to need some brain bleach. Whoever did this was a monster. They weren't even from the same anime for Bal's sake!
Calming myself, I looked over at the start of the scaffolding. As long as I didn't look at them, I would be fine.
"So, y'all wanna try riding it?" my voice cracked uncomfortably.
I could tell I had peaked their interest with the change of subjects. Before I knew what was happening, two blurs rushed past me.
It was a mad rush to see who could ascend the fastest between the two. An impromptu competition. It was of course Aerana who was taking the lead. Her elven heritage making her nimble movement all too easy to climb the stairs and rails with grace. Then I was passed by Lydia. She was an unstopping train. Her movements pistons. And then I was a full set of stairs behind. And I had Seen everything. Their breasts and butts jiggled like a first time modded playthrough. It was a war between Id and Ego to keep my eyes off their collective bodies. Eventually, the brain prevailed over the body, but it was a tough battle. And many lives were lost. By the time I got to the top, I was huffing and puffing.
It was a lot of stairs ok. Then we came onto the next obstacle. Of which I was thankful for. Anything to distract my young bodies hormones. We were stumped by exactly how to enter the mecha. The back was a mess of panels and pipes, I wasn't even sure where the door was. A bit of fumbling, and a lot of cursing, and the hatch was opened via a button by what turned out to be a segmented hatch.
Inside was a pilot seat, a large screen, and a set of petal and joystick controls. Aerana was the first inside, followed by me.
It was slightly dusty, but at the same time, roomy. For a single pilot anyway. A bit more claustrophobic with two And a half people. Lydia was just peeking her head in form the hatch. Then, a great rumbling shook us. The scaffolding started to shake, and the clang of pipes falling filled our ears.
The scaffolding fell away, and Lydia gave a distressed grunt as she was forced to enter the now cramped cockpit…pilot pit. It's a pilot pit. Shit. Mind out if the gutter.
It was then that the rumbling and poor footing caused Lydia's hand to shift and she pressed a button. Aerana had been sitting on the floor looking at the peddles, while I had fallen into the seat from the side.
The door closed behind Lydia, and bumping her in the back side and causing her to fall forward. Over the seat, and onto me.
She squirmed trying to set herself upright, but in the narrows of the enclosed space, she only managed to fall further down. Her jostling managed to hit a few buttons on the console, and it lit up. An LCD screen, a site I was convinced I would never see again, presented a display. It showed the chamber from the perspective of the Gundam's head.
Now with the pilot area illuminated, I had a premium view of exactly how close the blue plug suit molded to her body. It left nothing to the imagination. From the floor, I could see the amused expression of Aerana as Lydia was pressed by gravity into the breasts of the elf. Aerana just placed her hands over Lydia's head and stroked her hair gently.
"Aw, Lydia. I didn't know you had feelings for me. You should have said something." She teased. Lydia's response was a grumble of some kind.
I blushed at the mental image that was conjuring. Worse, I felt a set of firm cushions press into my groin.
I tried to withhold the groan. I really did. But my body betrayed me. Suddenly, the struggling and shifting of Lydia stopped. And she stiffened over top me. The legs on either side of me going ramrod straight.
"Sheo." She said. Her voice like sharp glass.
"Hey, guys." Aerana said. But I was trying to think of a way to bullshit myself out of this whole situation.
"Yeah?" I asked weakly.
"Did you just groan? As I was struggling to sit upright?"
"Guys" Aerana tried again. But again, more pressing matters.
"No." When I doubt, deny. Deny, deny, deny.
"So you did not just take advantage of the fact I have been splayed over your perverse self, forced into this vile position?" I couldn't see her face, but I knew it had a scowl on it. It was her default expression.
"I have no idea what your talking about." I said as evenly as possible. We waited for a few seconds, and she shifted her arm. One of her breasts was pressed further than the other creating a delightful friction. Once again my body betrayed me. I tried holding it back, but it escaped my throat anyway.
"Seriously, guys."
"Sheo. I'm going to kill you. I hope you understand. My pride won't allow me to let you live after this slight against me." Her voice was like brittle glass. I believed her. I was dead. I opened my mouth to at least try begging, bit I was cut off.
" GUYS!"
"WHAT" both I and Lydia snapped at once.
"The sculptures are moving towards us." She said, her eyes turned to the screen. My eyes snapped to the Display, and Lydia head did the same.
I didn't groan this time, mostly due to not being able to breath from shock. Surrounding us, all 6 of the Dwemer sculptures we're moving towards us. Each held a sword I had initially assumed was decorative.
Two of them sprinted forward, and the one in the lead swiped viscously at the significantly smaller Gundam. The Gundam we currently occupied. The blow connected and we flew back.
/ WARNING: SYSTEM UNDER ATTACK/
Flashed on the Heads Up Display. We landed with a crash, Gundam back to the ground. Lydia's butt slammed down onto my face and Aerana was pushed forward. Did this thing not have seatbelts?!
I tried to tell her to get the fuck off of me, but her stupid ass was cover my face! So it came out muffled.
She gasped, and her thighs tightened over the sides of my head.
"Y-you hmm bastard! S-stop that t-this instant!" she half moaned. Oh shit!
I looked down to see where my mouth was pressed against. I tried to apologize immediately, but my instinctual reaction had the opposite effect.
"I'll nrg! I'll fucking kill-llll You!"
"Seriously you two? Now of all times? Can you not wait until we're not in mortal danger at least?" Aerana chided. Though her eyes were locked firmly to the site of Lydia's confined tatas, so her opinion was less than worthless.
Something flashed on the HUD screen.
/WARNING: LOW POWER
/SCANNING…
/SCANNING…
/SCANNING…
/UNAUTHORIZED USER DETECTED: STATE INTENTIONS/
"Uh, survival?" I tried. It was the first thing that came to mind. Since we were surrounded by giant Automatons. Then the Gundam shook as one of the Super Automatons struck it again.
/HOSTILES DETECTED
/POWER IS 17%
/!35% HAUL INTEGRITY!
/EMERGENCY PRIVILAGES REQUESTED
/PROCESSING…
/PROCESSING…
/!NO SIGNAL FOUND!
/ PRIORITY 1: PROTECT PILOT
/!EMERGENCY PRIVILAGES GRANTED!
/ WARNING: LOW POWER
/ESTIMATED 10 MINUTES MOBILITY
/USER CONFIRM Y/N?
"Yes!" I yelled. And the controls lit up like a Christmas tree.
I had no idea how any of this worked, but I gripped the controls and placed my feet on the pedal. To my surprise, the joysticks came out on a cord.
I saw the hands move with my motions. A sword came down on us again, and I caught it in my hands. The thing rattled, and I reached it from the behemoth. New sword in hand, I swung it at the Dwemer machine it connected with the sound of a train smashing though a bus.
One down, I had just enough to parry the blade of the other. Clumsily, I got the Gundam sitting up. And then standing. Then we were struck from behind.
"Damnit" I screamed as we fell forward. I caught us on our hands, and rolled to the side. In an effort not to be thrown around, Lydia grabbed Aerana and clamped her thighs around my head. "Are you trying to kill me woman?!" I screamed in pain.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just dangling upside down. Don't mind me. Next time I'll just crash through your magic window!" she screamed back.
I roared as I turned, Gundam on one knee, and plunged my fist into the knee joint of the Dwemer Sentinel. That's what I had mentally dubbed these cheap Mecha ripoffs.
Now, more steady on my feet, I lifted my narrowed sword and took the downed Sentinel's arm off, followed by it's head.
I was in motion now, trying desperately to ignore how Lydia's breasts did something wonderful with every foot pound. Meanwhile, Aerana was doing her best to keep a grip on the frame of the floor.
Another sentinel swiped left, and I went for a parry with my own blade, but the damn thing feigned before using both hands in a downward overhead crush blow. I tried blocking, but the force of it drove our Gundam to it's knees.
Aerana had started to say something, but was cut off by the sudden change in direction.
Her mouth open, face tiled up, she was in the perfect position when Lydia's head was pushed down by the G force change.
Their kiss was chaff, but I could see Aerana was both shocked and…receptive to it. The image of two women in skin tight plug suits kissing was seared into my memory.
"Sheo! That better be a fucking dagger poking into my chest, or so help me, I'm going to rip off!" Lydia screamed. That brought me back to reality. The sentinel was coming down again, my momentary distraction happening at the worst time possible. I deflected the blade to the side as best I could, but lost a finger for the effort.
Using my other hand came up instinctively. I had panicked and tried to cast a spell. The result was an iron man style repulser beam. It blew the Sentinel's head clean off. It flew a ways across the room before landing in a crash.
I wanted to celebrate, but I saw that little maneuver had dropped down from the 11% we sat at to 6% power.
I saw three Sentinel's left. They were buntched together, and they began doing…something.
Before my eyes, they started removing large sections of themselves and adding themselves to the center Mecha.
The result was a six armed, three headed monstrosity, that breathed fire and steam. In each hand was a sword. The Asura Sentinel, postured by swinging it's left and right arm groups in an intimidating group of complicated arcs. Reminding me of an industrial machine with how clean and smooth it was.
With no real choice, I charged the thing. It was more of a suicide mission than anything else. I was out of time, out of power, and out of luck.
A pleasant pressure building to something that would be socially uncomfortable told me that my last assumption was debatable. What?! I can't control my bodies reaction. It's rubbing on every step!
Looking down, Lydia was trying to not be distracting by doing her best not to squirm while I controlled the hundred foot death bot. Her head on Aerana's chest, her hair being lightly combed by Aerana's nimble finger. Focus! I shook my head and focused on the fight.
I just hoped I could finish the fight before I finished the fight. Lydia would actually kill me if that happened. At least Aerana was having the time of her life. If her massive smile was anything to go by.
The first swipe came in, and I tried to block. But to my horror, the Asura Sentinel cleaved through my sword and kept going to remove my left arm. It clipt my torso, but I dashed back in time to avoid the follow up rush. Glancing at my power, I saw a warning label next to a 4% sign.
Think, think! What could I use! I needed one good blow. That's all. Then I remembered the voice commands.
"Offensive options!" I shouted while rapidly losing ground to the wild chaotic swings of Asura Sentinel.
On a secondary display, a list popped up.
(Shoulder Guns)[Disabled]
(Hand Cannon)[Disabled]
(Left Repulser)[Damaged]
(Right Repulser)[Inactive:Power low)
(Energy Sword)[Ready]
(Energy Shield)[Ready]
(Missiles)[Depleted]
"Activate energy Sword and Energy Shield!" I screamed. Two compartments came out of my waists. They were little more than stylized rectangles.
But once I held them however, they lit up with a florescent shade of plasma. The shield was blue, the sword was crimson.
"Come get it motherfucker!" I screamed a war cry.
"Kick his ass Sheo!" Aerana encouraged from her spot.
"I swear to Boethia Sheo, I feel it twitching! Don't you fucking dare!"
I did my best to ignore that last threat, and focus on Aerana's encouragement. Mostly due to the situation down below rapidly becoming an 'Accept the things you can't change' situation.
Asura Sentinel roared out a challenge, steam bursting from every section of it. It charged, and I responded in turn. With every bouncing step, I got closer to the edge.
Asura Sentinel opened with a thrice downward slash, intent on trisecting me down the middle, my response was to raise my shield to block, before rushing under it's extended arms, and severing them clean off. It's response was to go in from the other side, but I parried swiftly. My plasma blade cut through its dwarven metal like a…plasma blade through literally anything. Two of it's swords went whirling violently across the room. The final however crashed like a helicopter blade I to the Gundam's torso. I was so close to victory. Just one more good stroke and I would be finished.
In the corner of my HUD I saw I was at 1% power. With all of my might I brought my arms down. And explosion occurred from my efforts. And Asura Sentinel fell dead. Then, all but the red emergency lights went off, and we were left in a red tinted gloom. I relaxed like I had never before.
Shame it wasn't entirely from the fight.
"Sheo." A voice said in the gloom.
"Yep?"
"I'm going to kill you now. Your aware why, yes?" The voice said. Barely a whisper, yet the loudest thing that could be heard.
"I figured. If it's any consolation, it wasn't on purpose." I sighed. I hadn't realized how pent up I was. I felt a bit dirty just with it in my loincloth, but I figured it would be soaked in blood soon anyway.
"How the fuck was that not on purpose!?" She screamed. And we were finally stables enough she could get off me. She made a point to kick the side of my head with her shin, but couldnt do much else. Once she was upright, she was wrapping her hands around my neck. Genuinely trying to kill me. I cast Stoneflesh to stop her efforts. Strong she may be, but she can't crush stone bare handed.
"You're the one who flopped on me! I didn't ask for a surprise tit job!"
"Um, guys?" Aerana tried to Interject. But I was too pissed at Lydia at the moment.
"You typical man! Get the slightest excuse and you just go for it! At least take me out to dinner first! Wine and dine me before you go using my body for your gross wiles!"
"Seriously! Guys"
"Says the woman dressed in a suit so tight she might as well not be dressed at all! And I can't control my bodies reaction to stimuli! Did it ever occur to you to readjust or just get off me?"
"Are we actually doing this again? Guys please, this looks important!"
"I'm sorry, I was under the impression you were in a fight! Perhaps next time I will just allow you to be distracted."
"It's getting lower guys."
"Oh I was distracted alright! You didn't even try to get in the floor with Aerana. You just laid there and clung to me. Wouldn't have been nearly this bad if you weren't clinging so damn hard!"
"What happens when it hits 0? Guys?"
"Oh, I suppose I should have just let myself be ragdolled about, that would have helped yes?"
" GUYS!"
"What!" we both screamed at once. Aerana just pointed to a still lit section of the HUD.
/!WARNING: CORE DAMAGED!
/!PLEASE EVACUATE!
/SELF DESTRUCT IN : 00.02.41 SECONDS.
I had just enough time to read the alert and widen my eyes. "Oh Fuck-"
BOOM!
I snapped back to the start of the cave fissure. I blinked. The sun was bright, Aerana was smiling, Lydia was…neutral. I took a deep breath.
"Nope." Was all I said.
"No? Why not?" Aerana asked, a little upset.
"I would like to know as well." Said Lydia. And notably, she didn't hate me. Hooray for return by death. Can you hear my enthusiasm?
I took a deep breath, and engaged my most impressive skill. Bullshiting. "I just remembered where this is. There's a huge nest of Chaurus down there. And I mean huge. Almost a hundred. All in one massive chamber. We do NOT want to go in their. I say we just seal it back up, and tell Calcelmo what we found."
Aerana looked like the wind had been taken out of her sails. Lydia looked…disgusted.
"My thane, I would never assume a position as to tell you what to do, but if what Sheo says is the truth, then sealing it off so none can escape may be our best option here. Especially if this is the only way to the surface."
"Oh. Darn." She kicked a rock.
I used a combination of rocks and fire to cover the entrance. So that none of that bullshitery may ever escape. No one must ever know.
A/N Working on the next chapter, but I got this idea in my head. It was just a funny draft, but it practically wrote itself after I started.