The first chapter is primarily angsty whump. Second chapter all bets are off. Sorry Jay, it's gunna hurt.

XXXXXXX

It was the fourth time in five weeks that Jay found himself in the ER. Nothing life threatening, just small injuries:

A slightly sprained knee from a tumble down some steps with a gigantic perp. He caught some shit from Kevin for that one. 'Should have let me take him down bro.' 'It's not like I could ask him to hold on until you got your slow ass there.' So he was a little gimpy for a couple of days, not a big deal.

A broken finger that also needed four stitches - now healed. He pointed with his middle finger at Ruz whenever there was reason since it was his fault it was broken in the first place. 'How 'bout next time you let me get my hand out of the way before you slam the cage door.'

Eight stitches on his bicep, curtesy of the cage…again. He wasn't even putting anyone in it. Just walked by and snagged his arm. He didn't even think it needed stitches, he was just pissed it ruined his new henley. Then he was pissed that not only was Voight making him go to the ER, he wouldn't let him drive himself. 'My God! It's not even bleeding.' It was bleeding though, kind of a lot but it wasn't like he was bleeding out. So Adam drove him and they took their own sweet time to avoid paperwork. They got lunch on the way there and since he had to get a tetanus booster, ice cream on the way back.

Today, a knock to his hard head and some more stitches surrounded by a nice bruise. He was beginning to feel like a quilt.

"You're like Frankenstein, held together with thread…and just as ugly."

Or to Adam, Frankenstein. "I was thinking more like a quilt but Frankenstein works."

"That being said, it was a nice tackle!"

"It was. Maybe I should play for the Bears."

"No, you don't suck enough to be on the Bears."

He'd have to agree with that.

Jay sat on the gurney chatting with Adam and Ethan while Ethan verified that he wasn't going to die and just needed four or five stitches. He had small headache from a mild concussion, and was barely…hardly, even dizzy.

"Be right back and we'll get some stitches in you."

With the absence of Ethan both detectives checked their phones.

"Will, hey, how's it going man?"

If Jay ever wanted to kill Adam it was right then for drawing his brother's attention to the room when it looked like Will was going to walk by without noticing him. He was hoping they could be in and out with Will none the wiser.

"Hey Adam…shit!" Lost in his own dismal world, he finally noticed Jay and barged into the room. "Jay, what the hell happened?"

Adam jumped in before he could, "Awesome flying tackle."

"Shut it Adam…"

Looking incredulously from Adam to Jay, Will had a mini-meltdown, "Are you kidding me? It's not a joke! What is this, fourth, fifth time in a month? Christ Jay."

Will sighed. He was already having a shitty day. He was summoned to Goodwin's office the second he walked in and got a nice 'talking to' about his attitude. Then not ten minutes ago a patient died that reminded him a little too much of his dad. Now to top it off, his brother's here again, injured on the job and joking around with Adam like it was nothing. He huffed and walked out of the room.

"Come on Adam…" Jay sighed and closed his eyes. "I didn't want Will to know I was here."

"Sorry man."

He blew out a frustrated breath. Will's reaction wasn't Adam's fault.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it."

He hated worrying his brother. He knew Will understood the risks of his job, but he didn't want to rub it in his face and cause him more worry.

Will came back into the room a few minutes later after talking to Ethan.

"I'm fine Will. Just a little bump on the head and a couple stitches."

"No Jay…" He's fuming at his brother's nonchalant attitude. "…it's not 'just a little bump on the head and a couple stitches.' It's a concussion and five stitches."

"Mild concussion…and I know Will. I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry you but I'm fine. Really."

"Yup. You're fine…"

Neither Jay nor Adam heard his mumbled, 'this time,' before he walked back out the door in frustration, bad day worse.

Jay was quiet after that, head down, sitting on the edge of the gurney, staring at his dangling feet, feeling bad that once again he had caused his brother pain.

Adam could tell that Jay was now in 'a mood' because of Will. He didn't think people realized that a big part of Jay's aversion to hospitals was it killed him to worry his brother.

Adam had gone back to playing on his phone, while Jay waited for his stitches. He could see Ethan was busy with something at the nurses station, so he leaned back on the bed and put his feet up.

Ethan would stitch him up when he could or he would send someone else. His head was killing him so he didn't mind sitting there and not going back to work. He was sure he'd be sore tomorrow. His flying tackle was quite literally a flying tackle and he definitely didn't stick the landing. His whole body hurt.

He heard Will's voice again and prepared himself for another lecture. Maybe he would just lay there with his eyes closed so his brother would just go away thinking he was asleep. Then he heard Will and Dr. Charles and wished he was sleeping.

"Will, everything okay? You look a little out of sorts. Anything I can do?"

"Jay's here again."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is he okay?"

"Concussion and some stitches."

"Oh well that's good to hear, nothing too serious."

They were silent for a few moments, then Will's fears and frustrations come forth.

"I'm sick of seeing him here every week. He's reckless and takes stupid risks and he doesn't think about what it does to everyone else, how his getting hurt affects other people."

In the quiet moments before Will started again, because he knew his brother would, Jay continued to lay on the gurney with his eyes closed. He willed his face not to show he had heard everything Will said, but was unable to stop the flush slowly pinking up his cheeks.

Adam was looking back and forth between Jay laying on the gurney and Will leaning against the wall a few feet down from the door. Why was he talking like that where Jay could hear him? He had to know Jay could hear every word. That was fucked up.

"Why don't you go see Jay and talk to him."

"I can't see him right now. I'm too pissed. He's a selfish ass…"

A small part of him doesn't care if his little brother heard, maybe if he did, Jay would take better care of himself and then he wouldn't have to worry so much. Between his fear of losing the idiot, and his patient…the patient who reminded him of his dad, dying, he's on the edge of anger and sorrow and it had him spewing angry words.

"Hell his last words to our dad was calling him a prick. Didn't even think about how that might affect our dad or me. Our dad dies and that's the last thing he hears from his youngest son…God what my dad must have thought…"

Dr. Charles listened and let Will vent knowing he'd come around later and talk to his brother, he always did.

When Will pushed off the wall with a 'thanks doc' and headed towards the elevators, Dr. Charles shook his head and followed when he saw that Jay was in the room just feet from where they were having their discussion.

Adam looked at Jay again. 'Oh man…' he thought to himself. Jay was no longer laying there with his eyes closed but looking at the opposite wall. He could see from there that his eyes were glassy and he was trying everything in his power to keep his composure.

Dr. Choi came back into the room ready to stitch Jay up wondering if he had heard what Will said. He raised his eyebrow at Adam to confirm and got a disgusted nod in return. He shook his head and internally chastised his colleague.

Ethan laid out the tray for the stitches, "Little lidocaine Jay."

Jay winced as the little needle pricks along his hairline, numbing up the area so the stitches didn't suck quite as bad. Everything was quiet in the room, a heaviness had settled in. They was no more joking, instead that energy was put toward forgetting what Jay had just heard.

"He didn't mean it Jay. He's just upset. He worries about you."

"I know he worries. I wish he wouldn't, wish he didn't have to…And he did mean it and it's warranted. Am I done?"

Ethan sighed, "You're good to go. Day after tomorrow you can return to regular duty…you're riding a desk until then."

"Thanks Ethan."

It was a quiet ride back to the district.

"Sorry Jay."

"Nothing to be sorry for Adam. It's the truth." He went back to looking out the window ending the conversation.

XXXXXXX

On his way to the locker room, Jay popped his head into Voight's office. "Riding a desk today and tomorrow Sarge."

"Concussion?"

"Mild one."

"Okay…you need to go home, let me know…nice take down by the way."

The rare praise from Voight goes over Jay's head as he headed back to the locker room. Adam watched him go then sat down at his desk with a frustrated sigh.

Thirty seconds later, Jay came back out swearing at his phone, "Christ." He ignored all of them and went back down stairs.

Hailey followed Jay with her eyes, "Something else up with Jay beside the concussion?"

"Will saw him in the ER. He's pissed that Jay's reckless."

Kim chuckled, "Well, he can be."

"Hey, cut it."

They were all surprised at the sharpness at Adam's voice and Kim looked a little hurt.

"Hey I was just…"

"Sorry Kim. It's just…Will really laid into Jay, said some pretty shitty stuff."

Hailey raised her eyebrow at that and Voight came out of his office and leaned against the wall.

"Jay's feeling pretty bad, so not a word about what happened today or him being reckless."

"What did Will say to him?"

Adam ignored them for a second and picked up his phone to call Platt, "Hey Sarge, you see Jay?"

"He's helping me with something. He's got his phone. Text him if you need him otherwise he'll be up in an hour or so."

Adam hung up and blew out a breath. "Okay, maybe I should clarify, Will was pissy at Jay, but said the shitty stuff about Jay to Dr. Charles and Jay and I overheard it. There's no way he didn't know Jay could hear him. He was just down from the door."

Kevin asked the question, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. They all knew how Will could be sometimes.

"What'd he say?"

"Said Jay was reckless, didn't think about anyone else when he did stupid stuff. Called him a selfish ass. Brought up some stuff Jay said the night their dad died…Did you know Jay's last words to his Dad were calling him a prick?"

Hailey let her head fall back and groaned, then looked at the team. She felt the need to defend Jay, even if she wasn't sure it was called for with the team.

She sighed. Sad for her partner. "He still feels bad about it. They didn't get along and when Jay said it, his dad probably was being one. Jay just didn't get to take it back before he died…the way his dad always treated him…" She growled in frustration and rubbed her face.

"I'll be back…Sarge?" Voight lifted his chin giving her the go ahead, then went back into his office. She loped down the steps wanting to be with her partner. She wasn't going to make him talk to her. She just wanted to be silent support and at the very least save him from Platt and her snark. Jay didn't need that right now.

"Damn…ya, that's gunna haunt him a while. We were all at Molly's the night after his dad's funeral. He was pretty drunk and told Ruz and me that his dad was ashamed of him for going into the army, then becoming a cop, but when they were cleaning out his dad's apartment, Jay found a picture of him graduating academy and a couple of newspaper articles about him his dad saved."

"Hailey told me about that." Kim shook her head, "She had this baggie on her kitchen counter that Jay found at the same time and gave to her. When I looked at it, there were medals in it. She said that Jay asked her to hold onto them.

"He got them when he was in the army. I guess Jay stayed with his dad the first week he got out, had thrown them away, thought they were stupid. I guess he still does, thinks he didn't deserve them. Apparently his dad picked them out of the garbage and kept them."

"Oh shit…"

They all sat in that for a second, not quite sure what to do with the information.

"What were the medals?"

"The purple hearts were the only two I recognized. I'm not sure what the other four were. One had a cross and there was one with a star but that's all I could make out. They were all in a pile in the baggie. I guess he didn't know what to do with them. He wanted to throw them away but couldn't bring himself to do it since his dad had kept them."

It was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Jay and Hailey came up an hour later and focused on paperwork. He needed coffee but avoided going to the break room because he didn't want anyone to corner him while he was alone 'to talk.'

Voight sent everyone home a few minutes early knowing they would probably all end up at Molly's, hell, he might even join them. He had heard his officer's little gossip session about Jay and it left him feeling pissed…and sad.

Jay gave Hailey a nod good-bye and was the first one down the steps, then remembered that Will would more than likely NOT be picking him up to go to Molly's as they had planned yesterday. So to cover his embarrassment of not having anywhere to go and no way to get there, he took a detour to Platt's desk and got the forms to fill out for his injury.

"I hope they computerize those forms soon. You're killing a lot of trees with your injuries, Wile E. Coyote."

He grabbed the forms without looking at her and gave a cursory 'thanks Sarge' on his way upstairs. The bullpen was cleared out and he plopped down at his desk, hung his head back and blew out a breath. He was able to push what Will had said aside and concentrate on his paperwork while the bullpen was loud, but now it's too silent and filling out the forms just reminded him of what Will said. He wasn't surprised Will laid into him, it hurt, what Will said, but he didn't begrudge him any of it.

XXXXXXX

Ethan cornered Will when he came back to the ER, forcing him into a treatment room.

"Christ Ethan…what!?"

"Jay heard everything you said today…to Dr. Charles."

Will thought about it for a second, feeling bad that his brother did, in fact, hear what he said, but then his anger at his reckless brother overrode all of that.

"Good. Maybe that's good. Maybe he'll get his shit together before he gets killed."

"Will, his shit is together. He's got a dangerous job."

Will crossed his arms. He was already in a bad mood before he saw Jay. Jay being in the ER again just added fuel to the flames. His bad mood was further ratcheted up when Dr. Charles hijacked him in the elevator and calmly read him the riot act with a therapeutic twist that only Dr. Charles could pull off. He knew he wasn't wrong about this. His ass of a little brother was reckless and he was going to get himself or god forbid someone else killed, and if that happened then Jay'd have to carry that around for the rest of his life and he already carried around enough hurt.

"He does have a dangerous job, all cops do, but funny how Jay's the one that graces our ER the most."

"He works in a dangerous unit. Probably the most dangerous unit."

Will didn't answer, so Ethan pondered if he should say what he wanted to say but then just went for it because even though Will was pissed, he was too…at Will.

"You said some pretty cruel things about your brother. I don't think you meant them. And maybe in the heat of the moment you didn't realize he could hear you. I don't know. But you didn't see the look on Jay's face. You both lost your dad. From the look on Jay's face he probably thinks he just lost you too."

Until that last sentence Will was going back over what he said and if he crossed a line. But that last sentence wiped that all out and made him hold on to his anger at Jay even tighter.

"Jay thinks he just lost me? That's rich considering every time he comes in here I'm freaked out that I'm going to lose him. Because he doesn't fuckin think." He tapped at his temple, hard, angry. "He gets himself hurt and one of these days he'll get himself killed and he doesn't care what it does to other people."

"He's just doing his job Will, he's good at it, quit holding it against him."

Ethan walked away then, not caring to see Will's reaction. Will was 5% right and 95% wrong. He was cruel to his brother. Ethan's known Jay a long time. They served at the same time. He knew how Jay operated - he put others first. He'd save someone else at his own expense. It was the way Jay was wired. He'd saved the members of his unit overseas by being who he is. He's saved people in Intelligence. He had put himself in harms way for this city time and time again. That wasn't going to change. It was who Jay is. Will wanted him to be something else. That wasn't going to happen. It's Will that needed to get his shit together.

He shook his head. Jay's a good man, maybe too good in some ways. He ate a lot of shit he shouldn't've had to. He knew for a fact Jay would forgive and forget what his brother said. He would bet anyone right now that Jay was kicking himself for worrying his brother and feeling he deserved everything Will said to him and people who knew Jay wouldn't take that bet.

XXXXXXX

Jay hung out as late as he could trying to figure out his next move. Should he go apologize to Will? It wasn't really fair of him to be goofing around in the ER while he was getting fixed up when his being there would freak Will out. Him being so cavalier about his minor injuries probably played into Will's belief that he was reckless.

He finished all the paperwork he could finish, completed what he could of Hailey's paperwork and sat at his desk. He looked at the clock, after eleven. He might as well go home. He was going to be with himself and his thoughts wherever he was, at least at home he could have a beer.

Hitting the bottom of the step, he remembered that an Uber or a 5 mile walk was in his future. Or he could walk the 8 blocks to med, see his brother and try to fix things.

He stood there for a second and for the life of him couldn't figure out what to do. Uni's were coming and going, none of whom Jay knew well, so he was able to get away with just a lift of his chin in acknowledgment instead of full on conversations.

Conrad, Platt's nighttime equivalent was working; directing traffic and barking orders in his golden retriever kind of way. The guy was jolly to the nth degree and if he wasn't 6' and 140 soaking wet, he'd be a perfect Santa.

Conrad was the polar opposite of Platt's Doberman personality, but not as fun to mess with as Platt because he was just so damn nice; which was why Jay hightailed it back up the steps before he was noticed. Conrad was also the most empathetic person he had ever met and he couldn't handle that right now. He needed to think or not think or both. He didn't need or want to talk. He needed to figure out how to fix things with Will and was starting to doubt he could even do that.

It was obvious that Will was still pissed at him for what he said to his dad, not without reason, he had been an asshole to the old man. He didn't think a day had gone by that he hadn't thought about that moment and wished he could take back what he said. Not only take it back but say something kind to his dad. If he had known he was going to die he would have said something nice, relive a memory with him.

He had been around and around about this before, many, many times before, racking his brain trying to figure out what he would say to his dad if he had a do over.

Not once was he able to come up with a good memory or at least a good memory that didn't have the taint of a confrontation immediately following.

You couldn't really say, 'hey dad thanks for playing ball with me,' when you never lived up to his standards and he made sure you knew it. Or talk about that time you went to a movie as a family, when the outing always ended with him bitching about how much it cost or what a waste of time on a stupid movie.

Even holidays had some kind of taint. Too loud, too drunk, too volatile. Holidays were a powder keg and it always, without fail, blew.

This was what happened every time. He would search for the good memory and it would just end up cementing the fact that his dad was indeed a prick. There was no denying it because as far as he knew there was no proof to contradict it.

His heart twinged a little then, when he thought of Will and his dad. He had heard Will share good memories of his dad with people at Molly's. Nice stuff his dad had done or funny stories. Will was talking about a person Jay was unfamiliar with. If he hadn't actually seen Will's mouth moving, he would have thought…hell Mouch could have been sharing the memory, it was that foreign to him. There had to be some memory didn't there?

Usually when he got to this part of his inner monologue, he was back to beating himself up for subconsciously not wanting to find a good memory because it would make his offense even worse. He told himself there had to be one and he just wasn't looking hard enough because it would make him a bigger prick than his dad if he found it. Takes one to know one.

Lost in the toilet bowl of his head, he found himself laying on the couch in the break room, not any closer to deciding what to do. It wasn't a life altering choice he needed to make; walk home, Uber home or walk to med.

He realized then that he couldn't make a choice because he was feeling a little lost and none of those choices were going to fix that because none of them would erase the words.

"…last words to our dad was calling him a prick…didn't think about how that might affect our dad or me…dad dies and that's the last thing he hears from his youngest son…"

Even if he talked to Will, the words were already out. You don't just pull words like that out of a hat unless they were already floating around in it. Talking it out wasn't going to put the words back in the hat.

He lay back on the couch, resigned to go with door number four. Stay, set his alarm so if he fell asleep he could wake up before anyone got there. There's nothing wrong with being early for work and none of them needed to know how early.

XXXXXXX

The next morning he was downstairs when Platt came in early, carrying coffee and bagel for Conrad. He thought the jig was up, but she seemed to believe that he came in early to get some paperwork done.

He didn't realize that the second he was out of earshot Conrad spilled the beans with his empathetic jolliness.

"He's been here all night," he said around a huge bite of bagel.

Normally Trudy would call him out on his disgusting eating habits, but the words that squeaked out around the bagel put that snipe on the back burner so she could stew over this new piece of information.

"He sick?"

"Doesn't look it." He said around a bigger bite.

How could he talk around that much food? It was like another language.

She took extra time thinking before reengaging in the interrogation. She was just not in the mood to interpret bagelese.

When Conrad was finished eating she got back to it and talked around her own smaller bites of bagel.

"He say anything to you?"

"Nope."

"Huh…"

"Yup. Just stood in the lobby for a sec, looking like a lost puppy then turned tail back up the steps so he wouldn't have't talk to me."

"A puppy you say…"

"Yup. One of those sad looking ones with the big eyes."

"Hmm"

"Actually it was more like one of those sad looking ones with the big eyes in those commercials looking for donations. You know, with the sad music and the puppies shivering in cages."

She looked at him with big eyes.

"Ya, I know…Halstead was one of those puppies.

"Ok. Thanks. Here."

She handed him the rest of her bagel and headed up the stairs.

Conrad gave her a salute with with the partially eaten bagel, "Go get 'em Sarge. If anyone can make the kid feel better it's you."

X

She found Halstead sitting at his desk playing on his phone.

"I'm not paying you OT to play Candy Crush Halstead."

He gave her a 'well I never' look, "Not playing Candy Crush Sarge." He wiggled his phone at her so she could see the screen. "Looking for a phone number. Think I have a CI that might be able to help Buckley over at Robbery-Homicide."

She came closer and looked at the screen, verifying the truth in his statement.

"Don't even have the Candy Crush app."

She raised her eyebrow at that. "Oh really?" She snatched the phone out of his hand and swiped through the home screens, "Huh…will ya look at that…" and handed it back a moment later with a smirk.

Candy Crush and at least ten different Apps of kids games littered the screen. His eyes landed on numerous makeover games, Rich Girl Fashion, Cheerleading something, Strawberry short cake…what the hell?…Girl Squad… his eyes grew as wide as humanly possible, Barbie Dream House?!

An appalled look landed on his face as he started deleting the apps, "Goddammit Adam…"

"Uh huh...sure blame it on Adam…Barbie Dream House? Really? Gotta crush on Skipper there Halstead?"

He leaned back in his chair, "I look like a barbie doll kinda guy to you Sarge?" He tilted his head in thought, "However, you seem to know an awful lot about Barbie's Dream house, Sarge…"

Platt's eyes bugged out and she harrumphed, giving him the side eye as she charged into Voight's office and started digging through a stack of papers grumbling about 'color schemes and pink convertibles.'

He stared after her a moment then chuckled, eliciting a cranky, 'HALSTEAD!' from Platt, making him laugh harder.

When he finally stopped laughing. He sent a text to his CI, then sent one to Buckley letting him know he'd get back to him if he got anything. He was grateful for his little exchange with Platt. Her impeccable timing got him out of his head before it imploded.

He flipped his phone around debating if he should text Will but decided against it in favor of walking down to the coffee shop. Grabbing his coat, a band tightened around his heart with the realization that Adam had probably put those crazy apps on his phone to cheer him up after a run-in with Will on one of his visits to the ER.

XXXXXXX

Platt cornered Voight the second he walked in the door.

"I shuffled some papers on your desk in case you see anything a miss. It was the best place to stake out Halstead. Something's up."

She got a raised eyebrow and a, concerned? angry? amused? grunt from Voight before he headed upstairs. His grunts, for the most part, all sound the same so it was hard for her to tell what he was feeling about this information, but she would put her money on 'concerned.'

XXXXXXX

Jay barely had a chance to give Hailey her coffee when he's called into Voight's office.

Voight knew the answer but asked anyway, "What's going on that you were here all night?"

He sighed and rubbed his face, "Nothing Sarge. Just a thing with Will. Couldn't really sleep last night. Caught up on my paperwork though."

"Hmph. Next time you can't sleep, sit on your couch with a beer and a documentary..."

That got a look out of him. Jay didn't think Voight knew about his nocturnal going ons.

"...leave the work for when you'll get paid to do it."

"Got it Sarge."

XXXXXXX

Jay was pretty mopey for most of the day. They all knew why, but no one said anything. They let it be. Jay would get over it once again. It wasn't the first time Will had been an absolute dick to his brother and they were sure it wasn't the last.

The mopiness was cured when a lead came in that might help take down a dangerous crew they were trying to get a handle on.

They knew there were now two factions of the elusive crew, east side, west side, both controlled by Cory Black, a.k.a. Crazy Cory. The nickname was earned. He was crazy, brutal and a good business man.

Black's crew was slowly swallowing up other gangs and their territories. No one went against them - they would still make money and they would be alive. Those who fought Crazy Cory discovered just how crazy he was. Even the most protected of gang leaders was not out of his reach. As a warning to gangs thinking about going against him, Cory got a hold of the leader of one of the most notorious gangs in Chicago, cut him to pieces and hung him on a tree like tinsel at Christmas time. Minor screw ups within his own crews were punished with missing digits and Glasgow grins.

As Black swallowed up crews, he incorporated their modus operandi; drugs, guns, human trafficking…it all flourished under the leadership of Crazy Cory.

They had been trying to shut him down for months but never had enough. In the last two weeks they had gotten close enough to think about an Undercover.

Halstead, being Irish would be the one to go, but they weren't quite there yet…until today.

Jay, Adam and Hailey followed up on the lead and busted one of Black's minions. It was an easy enough bust but not without its hiccups. The guy ran and Jay took the guy down, but not before there was a tussle and Jay got thrown into a fence.

He was able to convince Hailey and Adam that he was fine and he was fine or so he thought.

Later, Voight and Jay went at the minion and got the information they needed. With that information and the help of Jay's CI, Jay would be going undercover the next day.

XXXXXXX.

That night, after he packed for his UC, he grabbed a beer and texted Ethan.

Hey man. You busy?

It took five minutes before Ethan replied.

Slow night. What ya need?

Wondering if you could drop by. Need a little help with something.

Sure. You need me to bring anything? My bag?"

Ethan would have brought it anyway. There was always the possibility that Jay just wanted to talk, but he's 99% sure something happened, and after Jay's last visit to med, he was probably avoiding Will.

Ya, I don't have what I need here.

…

…

Can you not say anything to Will.

…

No problem. He's not on anyway. I'm done in a half hour. Can be there in 45. That work for you?

That's great. Thanks

X

Jay answered the door with no shirt on. Ethan followed him to the kitchen with an internal sigh. Jay had a towel pushed against the back of his shoulder, almost beyond his reach, the left side of his back was covered with smeared blood.

"Jesus Jay! This happen at work? You didn't get checked out at the scene?"

"Didn't really feel it." He sat on a barstool, shrugged then winced, "Adrenaline."

Jay's first aid kit was spread all over the counter, definitely not adequate for the situation.

Ethan slowly peeled the towel off. Christ. "Definitely needs stitches."

"Ya. That's what I figured."

He worked quietly, wiping off the blood, cleaning and stitching the jagged wound.

"You'll have a new scar. Can't get the edges together very well."

"That's ok. Just do what you can."

"How'd it happen."

"Got thrown into a fence."

"And no one noticed?"

"Hailey and Adam saw it. I guess my hoodie covered up the cut, blood."

"They wouldn't check you after something like that?"

"No need. Didn't even fall, took the guy down right after. Hailey asked if I was okay. Felt like I was."

"You up to date on your tetanus?"

A look of sadness crossed Jay's face. "Ya. Got a booster couple weeks ago."

Ethan didn't say anything, knew the look came from his argument with Will about his frequent visits to med.

"You doing okay. I mean other than this."

"I'm good." He sucked in a breath and blew it out, giving Ethan a sad smile. "We'll work it out. We always do."

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything. How's your head?"

"Good. No headache."

Ethan set some bandages and an antibiotic cream on the counter.

"Twice a day. Think you can reach it?"

Jay twisted his head around and touched the bandage with his right hand. "I'll manage."

"Try not to get it wet. You know the drill, red, hot to the touch..."

"I know. I promise I'll come in."

"25 stitches." Jay blanched. "I put in a couple of extra to try and reduce the scarring but the cut's still almost four inches long."

"Uh ya. Thanks Ethan. I appreciate it."

"No problem. Call me if you need anything or if you just need to talk."

Ethan stopped at the door and turned to his friend.

"You're a good cop, man. You were a good soldier. I've never seen you reckless."

Jay barely nodded in acknowledgment of the statement, a nod that he heard what Ethan said not a nod of agreement with the sentiment.

Ethan decided to say his piece, "You're a door kicker. Little more risk there. I know why you do it...so your team doesn't have to. And I know it killed you when you got promoted to Sergeant in the Rangers, no more first in. But that's who you are. You don't have some kind of… You're a protector. Your team is lucky to have you."

Nodding at Ethan, he remained quiet. He wasn't used to the praise or to have someone back him up when it came to how his brother felt about him.

With a pat on Jay's good shoulder, he headed out, feeling better for saying his piece. Someone needed to remind Jay he was a good person and it would start with him. He only hoped Jay would hear it from his brother soon…he needed to hear it from Will…desperately.

He shut the door and checked the mobility of his shoulder. It felt stiff and the stitches pulled. He debated for about five seconds if he should tell Voight but decided against it. Voight wouldn't pull him for a cut and he wouldn't let himself be pulled. This UC was too important.

Grabbing the remote, he sat on the edge of the couch trying to decide if he should go see Will. He felt bad about how they left things yesterday. He called Will twice today and left a message apologizing on the second call when Will didn't pick up. He didn't answer his texts either.

He knew he would probably never convince Will he wasn't reckless but at the very least he wanted to explain how bad he felt about what he said to their dad. He needed to explain that he hadn't blown off or forgotten what he said. Whenever he thought of it, which was a lot, it was always thoughts of how he hurt his dad calling him a prick. He hadn't really thought about how Will might have been hurt by his words and he was kicking himself for not thinking of it. Will's been sitting in that pain since their dad died.

Tossing the remote on the couch, he grabbed his coat. He was going undercover tomorrow, he couldn't leave things like this between them.

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Jay felt a bit of relief when he knocked on the door. As many times as he's told Will it wasn't safe to not have a peep hole, he was glad Will procrastinated. His brother might not open the door if he knew it was him.

Will opened the door and rolled his eyes in exasperation. Jay cleared his throat of the emotion that invaded it when Will didn't open it wide enough to let him in. He covertly drew in a calming breath through his nose and released it slowly through his mouth hoping Will would hear him out before he shut the door.

Will's eyes travel to the bruise and stitches on his forehead and his anger spiked, "What? What Jay, what? You here to apologize? You already left a message."

"I didn't want to leave it in a message but wasn't sure I would get to talk to you in person."

"I really don't want another apology Jay, don't need it. So just leave it alone."

He went to shut the door but Jay stopped it with his hand, then got a foot in place so he had a chance to apologize before Will slammed the door on him.

Will stood there ramrod straight, one hand in an angry fist, the other on the door. He huffed impatiently when Jay didn't start talking and gave a 'well get on with it' motion with his hand.

Jay took a deep breath. He knew that at some point in the conversation one or both of them would get emotional but he hadn't even started talking yet and he was getting choked up. He thought Will might be more receptive. The fact that Will wasn't even letting him in the apartment had him second guessing his decision to come over. But going under tomorrow, he couldn't leave it. He didn't talk for another second, unable to figure out where to start.

His patience wearing thin, Will started to shut the door, "Christ."

Jay gave up for just a moment and turned away to leave, but suddenly the words come out on their own and he put his hand back on the door so Will couldn't shut it.

"You know, every day I think about it…what I said to Dad…and I wish I could take it back…every damn day…I wish I could take it back…I didn't think he was going to die."

Eyes glassy with unshed tears he took another deep breath and his voice caught as he continued.

"When we were cleaning out dad's apartment, I found a picture…" He cleared his throat so the words had a path to freedom. "It was a picture of me when I graduated the academy…" He clenched his jaw, then swallowed a sob. "He was there. He came to my graduation. I didn't know…" He sucked in a deep breath, "…what he always said made me think…I thought, me being a Ranger, then a cop…"

He looked away, eyes swimming in tears. Will barely heard the whisper when it escaped Jay's lips, "I thought he was ashamed of me."

Taking a shuddering breath, he gave Will one last look, "I'm sorry Will, for hurting you and Dad, but mostly for hurting you with what I said. I just wanted you to know that. That I didn't forget, that I think about it and feel bad for what I said that it's…that it's always there." He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. When Will was silent, he nodded and had to look away again. After a moment Jay looked back at his brother, the tears finally spilling from his eyes and gave him a small pain filled smile, before he turned and walked away.

He wasn't sure if it was Will's non-reaction or hearing his own words but his heart was on a precipice. It was the click of the door shutting and the scrape of the deadbolt before he had even taken two steps that pushed it over the edge to shatter.

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Big thanks to ChinVilla for the support! I am working on the next chapters of Blink and He's a Keeper and the final chapter of this story. I'll try not to keep you waiting long, but as ever, thank you for your patience, for reading and your Kudo's and reviews. You guys are the bombdiggity!

Stay safe peeps!