Chapter 14 - Last Kiss
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Three days after the prom, Hopper sits down and attempts for the fifth time to write a letter to Joyce explaining his situation. A letter didn't seem like the best idea but he lacked the courage to tell her in person and he knew he couldn't hold off any longer.
Dear Joyce,
This is the hardest letter I've ever tried to write. I've written it five times now and no matter how I write it the words sound ridiculous so I am just going to say it. I have to leave Hawkins. They've sent me a letter and told me I'm needed in the spring. See, I told you that writing it made it sound stupid. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you. I think you and I have a real shot at something special and I don't know what this means for us. I want to leave Hawkins and start a life with you. I'm scared. Scared that this will change things. Scared of what is waiting for me over there. I know that reading this is going to hurt you, but please I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. Anyways, I feel like I'm beginning to ramble so I'll stop writing now.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to go.
Just know that whatever happens, I meant what I told you when I said I would love you until the clock stops ticking.
Hop.
He puts his pen down and sighs. The letter gets stuffed into a cream envelope and he scribbles Joyce across the front.
This was stupid, he thinks to himself. He was going to serve his country for Christ's sake. The least he could do was man up and tell his girlfriend. He shoves the letter into a box under his bed and grabs his car keys. It was time. She deserved to know.
.
.
When Hopper arrives at Joyce's, he finds Joyce sketching in her bed.
"Hey," he grins when he knocks at her door. Her parents had been out of town a few weeks and he'd gotten into the habit of letting himself in.
"Hey," she smiles up at him. "I didn't know you were coming over."
"Thought we could hang out if you aren't busy?"
"Of course!" she pats the bed and gestures for him to join her.
"Why don't we grab some tea first?" he suggests. Sheepishly, he tucks his hands into his pockets and avoids making eye contact.
"Sure," she chirps, oblivious to the internal turmoil consuming Hopper.
Joyce leads the way to the kitchen where she retrieves two pale yellow mugs from the open cupboard above the sink. She begins heating water using her mother's kettle and begins chatting about her morning as she places a teabag into the cup with the chipped handle.
"Do you want sugar?"
"Hmm?" he mumbles. Her words snap him out of his daydream.
"Sugar?" she repeats.
"Oh. Yes please."
"How was your run this morning?" she asks.
"I didn't end up going. No motivation," he adds in explanation. "How was your morning?"
"Productive. I ended up finishing a piece for my portfolio that I want to submit to that school out West. And my mom's creepy uncle called and said he was thinking of stopping by sometime next week but I'll deal with that later."
"Have you heard from them at all this week? Your parents - I mean."
"No. And thank god for that. They said they would be back when they're done 'dealing with some stuff', whatever that means," Joyce rolls her eyes. 'Anyways, I've been thinking about senior prank night and I have a few ideas that maybe you could ask Benny about. And then the library has me working an extra shift next week but I think we can still make time to have that picnic by the lake like we talked about. And I was thinking, what if we spent some time at the cabin over spring break?"
"I can't." Hopper stares at the ground and swallows hard. He felt like a total dick, letting Joyce stand here and ramble on about their plans for the future when he was about to rip them all away.
"What?" she stares at him, confused.
"I can't. I'm leaving Joyce."
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't have a choice. I've been recruited."
"Hopper, you're not making any sense. You're leaving what? Me?"
"Oh god no. Well, yes, but no. I'm not leaving you, but I'm leaving you."
"Okay. Slow down," she reaches for his arm but he pulls away. "What's going on?"
Hopper paces the length of her kitchen, dragging his hands through his hair as he expels a deep breath. Once his heart rate has slowed, he looks up at Joyce with a pitiful look in his eye and sighs. "I've been recruited, Joyce. I have to leave next week."
"No, that can't be true. We have plans next week. We're going to spend spring break at the cabin."
"Joyce-"
"No!" she shouts. He steps towards her to offer her comfort but she retreats into the corner of the kitchen and wraps her arms around her middle to make herself smaller.
They stand in silence for a beat, the faint echo of her scream still lingering in the stale air between them.
"How long have you known?" she whispers. She doesn't dare look at him when she speaks.
"I didn't know how to tell you…"
"How long?" she demands. "Did you know at prom?"
He nods.
He can see her trying to process the information, her brow furrowed and he hates that he's hurt her like this.
"Joyce, I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I just didn't know how to tell you. We made plans, Joyce. Big plans. We were going to get out of this town and start a life together and now…"
"And now what? You don't want that anymore?" her voice breaks and a tear slips down her cheek.
"What?! No. Of course, I still want that. I'll always want that. It's just- I'm not sure what my future holds anymore and I would never ask you to wait around for a life I may not be able to give you anymore." He steps towards her, "I don't want to say goodbye to you Joyce."
"Then don't."
"You and I both know that I don't have a choice. It will be a temporary goodbye."
"No," she whispers under her breath. Shaking her head, she mumbles a few words to herself and pours the boiling water from the kettle into the mugs.
"Do you want me to go so you have some time to process this?" he asks as she turned away from him. He watches as she raises the back of her hand to wipe the unshed tears from her eyes, then turns back towards him with a forced smile.
"I thought we were going to hang out?"
"We can, I just thought that maybe you needed some time to-"
She cuts him off and hands him his mug, "let's spend the afternoon reading in the treehouse?"
"Joyce-"
"I don't want to talk about it," she informs him.
"Alright. Then we won't."
And they didn't. For the remainder of the afternoon, Hopper carefully watched Joyce to make sure she was alright, but she didn't let on any signs of hurt if she felt them. They talked about school and art and books, but not about Hopper's pending deployment. He knew they needed to have a proper conversation about it and what it would mean for them, but for now, he was content to let Joyce live in her blissful bubble of happiness.
.
.
Three days after finding out that Hopper is leaving, Joyce finds herself sitting on the edge of his bed while he begins to pack up some of his things. He folds a shirt and tosses it into a pile next to her crossed legs.
"I don't want you to go," she admits.
"I don't want to go. You know I would do anything in my power to stay here with you, right?"
She nods quickly. She does know. In the past few days, she had reflected on how she felt about the situation and once her anger subsided she realized she couldn't place the blame on Hopper. He had always been the type of guy to do the right thing and she shouldn't have been surprised that he would rise to the occasion when being called to serve his country. Deep down, part of her was proud of him for accepting his fate so graciously. Unfortunately, her pride was swallowed by the anger she felt towards the universe for shattering her plans for the future.
"I think that maybe I'll start work at the library full-time next year," she informs him.
"What happened to art classes in California?"
"It's different now. I don't need to leave if you aren't coming with me."
"Of course you do, Joyce. You've always wanted to get out of here, what's stopping you from living out our plans for an adventure on your own?"
"I can't leave without you."
"It's not like you're going to be leaving me behind. I'll join you once I return."
"Is that the plan?" she asks. They'd yet to discuss what Hopper leaving meant for them as a couple but Joyce knew she didn't want to end things.
"I don't want things between us to change," Hopper tells her. He joins her at the foot of the bed and takes her hands in his. "Do you?"
"No. I don't."
"So it's agreed. I'll meet you in California?"
"I don't know Hop. I don't think I can do it."
"Joyce. You're the strongest woman I know. If anyone can do it, make a clean break and start over somewhere new, it's you."
"I want you to stay so we can go together."
"I know. I want that too," he says.
"Then choose me. Stay."
"You and I both know that choosing you isn't my choice to make. If it was, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."
"I'm sorry," he adds. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm sorry I ruined our plans."
"I'm sorry that I don't want you to go," she whispers.
"What now?" he sighs.
"We finish sorting those clothes and watch a movie and pretend like our lives aren't about to be destroyed," Joyce says.
"I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. So I'm not going to," she adds.
"Sounds like a deal, Horowitz."
.
.
"How's your burger?" Joyce leans over and asks Hopper.
"Delicious, as always. I'm gonna miss Benny's."
Joyce swallows hard at his mention of leaving. The two of them were having their own little graduation celebration, as Hopper was set to leave in just two days and he was determined to celebrate the "end" of senior year with Joyce.
The two of them had celebrated every milestone together, he wasn't about to let this one slip away.
"I think Benny's is going to miss you too," Joyce jokes. It was something she'd been trying to do more of lately, make light of the cruel fate they were destined for. "You give them a lot of business."
"You're my accomplice in that crime."
"Guilty as charged," she smiles.
"This town is going to miss you," Joyce adds. She leans back against the wall and looks across the floor at him. They were set up on a picnic blanket beside Lover's lake, Hopper's idea of a romantic evening.
"Is it weird that I'm actually going to miss it too? I spent so much time dying to leave and now that I am, I wish I didn't have to go. Though, that's because of you."
"I thought we weren't going to do this yet?" she whispers.
"I know. I just… need you to know how hard it is for me to leave you."
"I imagine just as hard as watching you leave."
"You're going to be just fine without me," he says.
"Am I?"
"You are. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."
"You don't get to do that."
"Do what?"
"Be the hero. Say all this inspirational crap about how you know I'll be fine when you have no clue what's going to happen to me once you're gone!"
Angrily, she stands and paces away from him. He follows and calls out her name. "Joyce."
"No!" she yells as she turns to face him. Poking him in the chest, she steps towards him with a purpose. "You don't get to decide that everything is going to be alright."
She takes another step and jabs him in the chest again, this time with more force.
" You don't get to tell me anything."
"Joyce-" he tries again but it's of no use. The tears have begun streaming down her cheeks and she's swinging at his chest, letting all her frustration out in the form of a closed fist.
"Joyce, hey hey-" he places both hands on her head and pulls her into his chest, smoothing down her hair. He whispers a soft "shush," and rocks her slightly.
"Breathe," he tells her.
She buries her face in his chest and lets herself cry.
They stand there, Joyce in Hopper's arms, tear-stained cheeks for what feels like hours; the only sounds that if the lake and the distant wildlife.
When she finally manages to catch her breath, Joyce sniffles and hugs Hopper harder. "Don't go."
"Darling, I wish I didn't have to. I'm so sorry."
.
.
That night, Hopper brings Joyce back to his place and they make love. It's different than the previous times they'd been together. She can't explain it but to her, it feels like a physical form of saying goodbye. Dressed in his shirt, she lays in his arms while he lazily traces circles down her back.
"I need you to know that you are the most wonderful woman I have ever known," he whispers. "I'm so lucky I get to call you my best friend."
"I believe in you Joyce," he adds. "I just wish you believed in yourself as much as I believe in you. Do me a favour, will you? Go out there and change the world. I'll join you when I come back."
"You know," she speaks softly, "I've been thinking about what I wanted to say to you for days and I've still got nothing. I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to make this work. When I get back, I mean."
"Why wouldn't it?"
"Seriously, Joyce. I don't expect you to wait for me, okay?"
"Hop, I'll wait."
"But if you can't, I'll understand."
"I can and I will."
"Joyce-"
"No Hopper. No. You can't expect me to just move on."
"I don't. But I don't want to be the one to hold you back. I care about you and I want you to have an amazing future."
"Honestly, Hop, without you my future is pretty unclear. Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"No matter what happens, you'll remember me like this."
"Like what?"
"Like the most wonderful woman you've ever met."
"I promise."
Joyce presses her ear into Hopper's chest and curls into his side, where he strokes her cheek with his thumb until she falls asleep.
.
.
As the first signs of sunlight begin to peak through the window, Joyce stirs and slips out from beneath Hopper's arm. She slides over to the edge of the bed and wraps his discarded flannel over her shoulders.
"Where are you going?" he whispers, half asleep.
"I'm going to take a walk. Maybe find some coffee."
"We don't have much time, stay in bed with me?"
"I'll be back before you need to leave, okay?"
Hopper sits up and softly smiles at her. "Promise?"
Joyce bobs her head. She leans across the bed and captures his lips in a slow and tender kiss. She forces herself not to cry, knowing it will be one of the last kisses they share for the foreseeable future. Instead of giving in to the voice inside her head screaming at her to crawl back into bed, clutch onto Hopper and refuse to let him go, she forces her feet to hit the floor and with a quick wave, she begins down the hallway towards the front door.
The tears begin to fall the moment the fresh air from outside fills her lungs. She's running before she can decide where she's going. It was too much. She couldn't say goodbye to him.
In his semi-awake state, Hopper stammers towards the washroom, splashes cold water on his face and brushes his teeth. He had to leave in less than an hour but he didn't want to get dressed just yet.
He was worried about Joyce. She's been having a hard time processing all of this and her abrupt departure this morning rattled him.
He wanted to hold her for as long as humanly possible before he was forced to let her go. Instead, she ran off and it killed him that he couldn't be there for her because he was the one causing her pain.
After a coffee and turning down the bed, he faces himself in the mirror and prepares to pack up his truck. His parents help him load up his duffel bags and he hugs them both tightly and promises he'll write.
He gets into the driver's seat with a single goal in mind; find Joyce before he has to catch the train. A sadness swells inside of him as he backs out of his parents driveway. He was about to embark on the next chapter of his life and he wasn't sure if it would lead him back to the only place he'd ever called home.
Joyce finds herself sitting in the parking lot of the diner, chain smoking her last pack of cigarettes. She should go see him. She knows it. But it's getting late and as the cigarette between her fingers burns, she grows extremely aware of the fact that it was too late to go back. Time had caught up with her and this was goodbye.
Joyce's heart drops the moment she notices his car swing into the parking lot. She'd known for weeks that this moment was coming, but nothing was going to make what came next easier.
Hopper gets out of the car and strides towards her in his uniform. The sight of him in it makes her heart drop into her stomach and she gasps for air. He looked much older in the green set and far more mature than the Hopper she grew up knowing. Stopping just shy of where she's standing smoking her cigarette, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and sighs.
"It's time," she says. It's not so much a question as it is a statement. He swallows hard and nods.
"This isn't goodbye," he says.
"Then what is it?" she whispers. She steps towards him, taking up space in his orbit one final time before he's shipped off to the side of the globe and the familiar smell of him inevitably begins to fade from her mind. "And don't you dare say it's ' see you soon' ."
"It's an 'until next time'," he tells her.
"Hop," she whispers, turning away so that he can't see the tears beginning to form in her eyes.
"I mean it Joyce. I refuse to say goodbye to you."
"Then don't go," she pleads.
He reaches towards her and grabs both of her elbows, steadying her shaking frame and forcing her to turn back towards him. Wordlessly, he raises her chin with his thumb and wipes away one of her tears. With his eyes locked on hers, one hand rubbing the curve in her elbow while the thumb on his other hand ghosts the crest of her chin, he looks down at her with a heartbroken grimace.
"You know I don't have a choice. I would never leave you if I had a choice."
"But you are… leaving me, I mean."
"Joyce. It doesn't matter where I am in the world. Nothing is going to change. I'm still going to love you."
She sniffles and lets the tears begin to fall down her cheeks. She spent years trying to prove to her peers that she was strong. Hopper was the one person she never had to put her guard up around and today was no exception. So, she lets herself cry while he pulls her in and rubs small circles on the back of her head while soothingly promising that everything will be alright. When her sniffing stops, he steps back and looks down at her with an honest, heartfelt expression.
"I'll love you until the clocks stop ticking."
She bites down on her lower lip to keep it from trembling and shakily links her pinky in his. Her cheeks are stained with tears and her face is flushed, but she pales while she watches in what feels like slow motion as Hopper raises their interlocked fingers and kisses her hand.
"Alright?" he whispers, coaxing her into saying it back.
"Until the clocks stop ticking," she nods, doing her best to put on a brave face.
"When I get back, me and you. Milkshakes at the diner. Deal?"
"Hop?" she says meekly. "Do me a favour while you're over there?"
"Anything."
"Don't be a hero. Come back home to me in one piece."
He bobs his head and nods. "I will. I promise." And he meant every word. The thought of coming home to a woman like Joyce sent a chill pulsing through him. He would come back home to her and they could start the life they'd always wanted. He would begin and end his day looking at the smile that made him believe life was worth living, and that was how he knew he was making the right decision. He would do this for his country so that he could give Joyce the life he'd promised her.
"See you … sometime?" he dares to try and smile. "That's not a see you soon."
His remark causes her lips to briefly curl up into a smile. "Hop-"
"I know," he breathes. "Me too."
"I should get going, I don't want to be late," he adds. "I'll be seeing ya, Joyce."
"I'll be here," she smiles sadly. In Hawkins, Indiana. Right where you left me, she thinks.
With one final squeeze, Hopper releases Joyce's hand and begins walking back to his truck before he changes his mind about leaving. Just before he opens the door, he turns back to look at her and she notices a tear running down his face. She stands, arms tucked around herself, back pressed against the wall to steady herself, and limply raises her hand to wave. She doesn't drop her head to her knees and sob until his car is out of the parking lot.
So I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss