That morning was cold and gloomy. Natasha stood in the kitchen leaning on the counter, clad in a grey hoodie, and sipping on a cup of coffee. Days like this were slow, and avenging wasn't exactly happening right now, so it was just Yelena and Natasha in their little house together.
Yelena would typically sleep in, given her newfound freedom to do what she wants, but this morning she woke up at the same time as Natasha. She was off in the living room, fiddling around on the game console Natasha had set up for her.
Natasha smiled softly as she listened to the quiet sounds of the game and Yelena's occasional cursing of the "controller" not pressing the correct button. She was happy to help Yelena adjust to a normal life after so long. But it certainly hadn't been all sunshine and roses.
xxx
"How long did it take?"
Natasha glanced up at her little sister, who happened to be standing idly in the living room, staring off into the distance. "How long did what take?"
"Until it became easier to breathe. Until you felt free of the Red Room."
Natasha sat up in attention instantly. This was not the direction she thought it was going. "What happened? Nightmare? Flashback?"
"No!" Yelena ran her fingers through her hair and down her face, frustrated. "It's not like that, just... My head. Something is wrong."
"Are you sick?" Natasha rose to her feet and reached out to the younger woman, but she flinched away.
"D-Don't!" Yelena's voice shook just as much as her hands as she backed off toward a corner. "Just stay away!"
The Avenger remained right where she was, respecting Yelena's wishes. "Okay." She held her hands up in compliance. "What do you want me to do?"
"Answer the question!"
Natasha blinked. Seeing Yelena angry wasn't new, but this felt different. She seemed scared. "I-I don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry... There isn't-"
"You're holding out on me!" The blonde pointed an accusing finger straight at Natasha. "Or maybe it's just that I went through more than you! They messed with my head, and you got out scot-free! How is that fair?!"
Anger rose in the ex-assassin's chest like heat from the stove. She couldn't help it. Yelena found her weak spot. "I went through hell to get to where I am! And even now, I just keep messing up! I've tried running from my past, and now I'm here, with you. Funny how that works. It never leaves you. It sticks with you like a barnacle. It's been about 15 years, and it's still here, inside of me. So try and think before you speak about things you don't know about."
Yelena's fists repeatedly clenched and unclenched as she stared down her older sister. She just wanted answers. She wanted to feel like she had control of her thoughts and actions. But she didn't. So she did what she did best.
She fought back.
"Don't know about?!" Yelena slammed her hand against the wall next to her and bared her teeth. "If there's anyone who knows, it's me! Or need I remind you?" She approached Natasha, getting right in her face. "They went in my head. They took away my free will. And now when I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself! All I see are the eyes of a killer!"
Natasha swallowed hard, her anger subsiding. Now it was getting too personal.
Yelena drew even closer, their noses almost touching as she scowled harshly. "If you went through hell, then what is it I went through?"
Natasha didn't know what to say. There wasn't much to say at this point. Her baby sister was hurting. And once again, she couldn't save her.
"You don't care."
Natasha's eyes followed Yelena as she stepped back and smiled a bitter grin.
"You got out, so why should you? It's not your problem. I'm not your problem."
The implication that Natasha didn't care was enough to bring her voice back. "I do care! The Red Room, we brought it down together! I told you, I thought it was gone! If I had known, I would've-"
"Sokhrani eto." Yelena shook her head. "I shouldn't have expected to get anything from you. I just want the voices to stop. I want to be more than this. But if you can't – if you won't – help me, then there's no point. Just forget this even happened."
"Wha- Yelena, I'm trying!" The redhead held her hand out to try and stop her from walking away. "I'm trying to make sense of this, I want to help you, but this is new for me! I... I don't know what I'm doing. But I wanna make this easier for you."
The Russian paused only for a moment, possibly considering hearing Natasha out, but that moment soon passed. She left, and Natasha watched.
What was she supposed to do now? Yelena had only asked for help, and all Natasha gave her was a lecture and yelling. Guilt rose in her throat, and she struggled to breathe. 'Nice job, Romanoff. You just messed up the one good thing you still had in your life.'
xxx
Natasha allowed Yelena to cool off as she considered what she could possibly say to make this any easier. A deep desire burned within her to make this right, no matter what it took. She would bring the world to its knees just so Yelena never had to feel pain again. But that wasn't the hero thing to do.
Natasha took a deep breath. Their argument brought forth many things she had shoved down inside of her. But that was no excuse. She should've been more gentle. She got too caught up in Yelena's rage-induced words to see the big picture.
Yelena was afraid of herself. She was afraid that someone out there could still control her. She was afraid of facing her reality.
The Avenger breathed again, this time shorter and shakier. What had she done?
xxx
Natasha gave her an hour, but when she still hadn't returned, she took matters into her own hands. She got up and made her way to Yelena's door. Hesitating at first, she knocked. "Yelena? Can we talk?"
Nothing.
"Yelena?"
Not even the dust stirred.
"I'm coming in." Natasha gently swung the door open and walked into the room. To her surprise, her sister wasn't there. Her head whipped around the space wildly. "Yelena?" It took a few seconds of pure panic before another idea of where she was, came to mind.
Walking back down the hall a little ways, she reached her own room. She turned the knob and opened it slightly.
There she was.
Natasha stepped into her room, eyeing the form in her bed.
Yelena was on her back, staring up at the ceiling. Her eyes flickered for a moment, so Natasha knew she had been noticed.
"Hey."
"Mm."
Natasha stood in the middle of the room, waiting for a verbal cue to tell her Yelena wanted her here. If she wasn't, she would let her be. Yelena was an adult, after all.
"If you're here to apologize, don't worry about it. I was a jerk."
The redhead raised her eyebrows. At least Yelena seemed calmer. "You weren't being a jerk. You were asking me to listen, and I wasn't doing it right. I'm sorry."
Yelena huffed, but her expression softened slightly.
"Can I sit with you?"
Yelena gave a curt nod and sat up to make room.
Natasha claimed the spot next to her and attempted to get her sibling to look at her. When she wouldn't, she continued with what she was planning on saying. "I thought about what you said. About free will and not knowing who you are."
Yelena's jaw clenched.
"Yelena, I still don't know who I am," Natasha admitted quietly. "And sometimes I look in the mirror and see what you see in yourself too."
Yelena's lip quivered despite how hard she was trying not to.
"But it does get easier. It just takes time." Natasha desperately wanted to touch her sister but didn't want to scare her. "And if you need me, I want to be there. You can even yell at me, and I'll just stand there and take it if that's what you want. You deserve better than me, but right now, all we have is each other." Natasha bit her lip. Letting her guard down this much at once was new to her. "I should've done more for you."
"No!" Yelena squeezed her eyes shut and dug her nails into the sides of her face. "Don't say that; you've done so much! You saved my life! I was content with dying, but you saved me! Nobody has ever done as much for me as you have... I'm sorry I'm such a mess..."
"Don't do that." Natasha pulled Yelena's hands away from her face and held onto them. "Don't hurt yourself. Please. Just talk to me."
Yelena jerked her hands from her grasp and moved over slightly on the bed. "Don't. I don't want to hurt you. I... Ya ne boleye chem ubiytsa, kotorogo oni sdelali menya..."
The older woman's heart twinged. Is that really what she thought? "Yelena?"
The only response was a strangled breath.
"Sestra. Glaza vverkh."
Yelena slowly raised her head but still wouldn't even glance her in her direction.
Natasha adjusted in her seat and reached for Yelena's hand, making sure her sister could see it coming.
Yelena didn't move.
Their skin made contact, and she didn't pull away, so Natasha gently held the top of it.
Her eyes closed, and her face scrunched up.
"I trust you." Natasha held her hand more firm. "You won't hurt you. You have control."
"Why are you so sure?"
"Because." The Avenger carefully brought Yelena's hand up to her mouth and kissed her fingertips. "You are more than the assassin they made you."
Yelena choked back a sob as she watched Natasha out of the corner of her eye press another kiss to her palm.
"I've seen it first hand. You're funny and charismatic, you love clothes with lots of pockets, and you accepted me back into your life after everything I did to hurt you. That didn't come from them. You get to decide who you want to be. They can't take control of you anymore."
"Natasha...," Yelena murmured under her breath, seconds away from breaking.
"I'll help you. You just have to let me try."
And that was it.
Yelena buried her head in her hands and cried hard, becoming a sobbing, blubbering mess. She hadn't done this since she was a kid. She hadn't let herself. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to push you away; I just didn't know what to do! I felt like you weren't hearing me!"
"I hear you." Natasha squeezed Yelena's shoulder as she herself fought back tears. "I see you. And I will look after you, no matter what. I promise."
Yelena turned into her and buried her face into her neck, quickly soaking her skin with tears. "I don't know what to do... I don't know how to function like I'm supposed to..."
"There isn't one way." Natasha leaned her head against Yelena's, holding her close. "You just gotta find what works for you."
Yelena shakily sighed and hugged her sister tighter. "I'm sorry for yelling at you..."
"Stop apologizing, or you'll get slapped upside the head," Natasha teased against her temple, no bite behind her bark. She wanted to see if she could get her to laugh instead of wallowing in all she could've done better. Mild success came her way.
Yelena let out an amused hum and nuzzled her fondly. "Dork..."
xxx
Natasha shook her head once, coming back to the present. The game Yelena was playing was still on, and Yelena's language was as colorful as always. She smiled and walked over to join the blonde on the couch.
"Hi," Yelena greeted quickly, not taking her eyes off the screen.
"Hey." Natasha searched her sister's expression, noting how much more relaxed she was. She could see a bit of Ohio in her.
Yelena eventually noticed Natasha staring and paused the game. "Are you okay?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in concern.
"I'm fine, just..." Natasha softened and leaned back further in her seat. "I love you."
Yelena's head jerked back, surprised by the sudden admission. It wasn't that she didn't know, more like she never thought she'd ever say it. A small smile graced her lips as she shook her head and pressed play on her game. "Love you too, Poser."
xxx
Sokhrani eto - Save it
Ya ne boleye chem ubiytsa, kotorogo oni sdelali menya - I'm nothing more than the assassin they made me
glaza vverkh - Eyes up