Set during 1x01 "Pilot" and sometime in season 2. Alex's thoughts as she experienced her first day as a mole.
Although she had expected to wake up where she was, fear gripped her tightly. Nikita had said that would've been a good thing. If she was too apathetic, they would've thought something was wrong. But, on the other hand, if she was too afraid, they wouldn't think she was worth their time. It was all about finding a balance. That was what Nikita always preached. In order to survive Division and the rest of the hell that would be thrown at her, she had to be smart; she had to be conscious of her surroundings. With where she was, that was fairly easy. Her fear ensured she saw everything.
The room was bare, colorless, and far too bright. Alex's head already swam. The blinding lights of the room only made her pounding headache worse. It almost felt as bad as going through withdrawal- almost. The drugs Division forced into her veins in order to fake her death was no joke. No wonder Nikita told her not to fight it. She'd need her strength and her awareness to survive the fresh onslaught of her new reality. Despite her first mission, getting thrown into jail, and being kidnapped by a corrupt unit of the government, the action had only just begun. If she wasn't careful, hell would rain down so fast.
For example, Alex wasn't alone in the room. She couldn't calm herself and begin her intel gathering immediately. She had to sell the act of a scared girl, waking in a horrifying place. Allowing her fear to overwhelm her senses helped with that. There would be moments where she got to be real, and that was one of them. She really was absolutely terrified. So much could go wrong. What if she couldn't survive in Division- she hadn't been able to kill that target, after all. She could die so quickly, and the revenge she was fighting for would never be realized. Or, even worse, Division would discover who she was and she'd be sold back to the Russians.
As the man in the room welcomed her, his smoky voice breaking through the drug induced fog in her mind, Alex panicked for a brief second. He had called her Alexandra. He knew. The fake identity she and Nikita had created was worthless. Fortunately, those intrusive thoughts were short lived. The man was going off of her fake ID. It was alright. After all, she was talking to Michael. She knew exactly who he was before he even introduced himself. Nikita had described him well. Alex had nothing to worry about when it came to Michael.
She couldn't let her guard down completely. She had to continue her act, which was really only an act in her lack of knowledge; the fear was very much real. However, Alex felt a bit more comfortable that it was Michael talking to her instead of Amanda or Percy. Nikita's briefings had done an excellent job of making her wary of those in charge. They could get into her head and manipulate her if she wasn't careful. Hell, even if she was careful they could fuck with her head. There was no room for mistakes inside Division, as a mole and as a recruit.
Alex had already made one mistake as she launched out of her bed. Nikita suggested that escape attempts would throw suspicion off of her once shit started to hit the fan. That was more than likely true. Who would think the fearful girl was a well-trained mole. Her trying to run from the frightening room she woke in was convincing enough of her terror. It was Michael that hadn't gone according to plan. Alex was told he wouldn't hurt her. Yet as she passed him, he twisted her wrist and dropped her to the ground. The man who stared down at her with threatening green eyes was not the man she had heard so much about.
Well, Alex actually didn't hear too much about Michael. He was strangely one of the few things Nikita didn't talk a lot about. The young woman didn't question it before, but she definitely was then. Once Michael gave her her arm back, she crawled into the stiff and scratchy bed far away from him. She was going to have to spend more time figuring him out than she had intended, especially when he called her a 'meth whore'. There was no way that was Michael- not the way Nikita had described him. Wasn't he supposed to be more gallant than that.
Everyone else Alex interacted with on her first day acted as she had expected. Amanda was sickly sweet, almost like eating ice cream with a toothache. She kind of enjoyed holding the scissors up against her neck. Though, Nikita was right about some of the inquisitor's words sticking to you. The tears that fell as they talked about home and being sold to traffickers were real. That was still too fresh of a wound. And with everything else going on (namely her anxiety), it was hard to stay strong. Amanda actually got to see her vulnerable.
It was good for her cover, though. Being a mole was a tightrope act; that was what Alex had to keep reminding herself. Although she had to remain on guard for any information and potential danger, she also had to be herself. It was okay for her to be afraid and vulnerable and let people in. That made her human. She shouldn't allow the war with Division and her quest for revenge consume her entire life. Doing so would burn her out and destroy whatever was left of her. Nikita didn't want that to happen.
Unfortunately, that was the one piece of advice Alex wasn't sure she could follow. She had been running and hiding for five years- five long, painful, drugged up years. She couldn't do that anymore. She couldn't just drift, wishing for death in some heroin induced haze. Nikita told her to survive, her father told her to fight, and that was exactly what she was going to do. The girl Division had failed to kill, had invaded its bunker. She was beyond ready to tear it apart brick by shitty brick.
Nikita's first countermission being the amazing success and triumph that it was only added fuel to Alex's fire. She struggled to keep her smug grin off of her face. Although she didn't get to see Percy's face, she saw his urgency and heard his rage as he stomped back into Division after the rogue had ruined everything. Birkhoff chasing after him with a swollen jaw was just the icing on the cake. There was no going back then. The war had begun, and the women were just getting started. Division would fall to its knees soon enough. And they'd have no idea what hit them.
Honestly, all of that made up for being stuck in a place full of so much destruction. Alex could ignore the confusion she was met with while talking to Michael. He never explained his arm in a sling, or his depressed attitude after encountering the rogue agent; if you asked, you were given a harsh and menacing glare. And the encouragement he had given Alex was drastically different than the bastard she had met in her new room/cell. What was with that man. Maybe that was why Nikita didn't talk about him. He was far too dramatic and complicated. It probably wasn't worth Alex's time in figuring him out.
Besides, she had other Division personnel to worry about. Thom was nice enough, if not a bit too protective of her as a newbie. And Jaden was just annoying. Her assumption about Alex being like all the other recruits had been way off. She almost taunted the mean girl about it. There was no one like Alex; she would make certain they knew that. The young woman would have no problem in staying distant from the recruits and remaining on task- even if Nikita claimed having friends made it easier, and that everyone there was a victim of Percy's and Amanda's. She wasn't going to deter from her mission.
Being a disastrous mole was the first time in years Alex actually felt like she was worth the life given to her. Although everyone she loved and cared for died while she survived, she could use the life that shouldn't have been hers to avenge them. She needed to find balance, and that was it. The war with Division was worth fighting for. She could help Nikita kill Percy and destroy that hellhole once and for all. Alex felt really good about her decision to be a rogue and fight. She was terrified, anxious, and maybe a little over her head, but was also beyond determined. People would fear her for a change. She would be unstoppable.
"Nikita did a great job of preparing me for Division. I knew who everyone was on sight, and how to act around them. The only person I was confused about was Michael," Alex admitted with a shrug. Somehow, the conversation shifted to her time as a recruit. Birkhoff could probably be blamed for that. He wanted to know what Nikita had said about him before Alex infiltrated Division. Since the rogue only responded with sarcastic quips, it was up to the young woman to fill in the gaps.
"Me?" Bewildered, Michael glanced at his girlfriend. Nikita was just as confused as he was, however. She had no idea what Alex was getting at.
Of course the head of agents had been involved in Nikita's briefings. Michael was the one in charge of Alex when she was a recruit. Obviously, the rogue told the young woman about him. It would've been a mistake if she hadn't, "I told you about Michael."
"Yeah. But it took me a couple days to realize he was the same person you were talking about. Once he started looking out for me, making sure Percy didn't cancel me and Dadhich didn't hurt me, I was like 'oh, that makes sense'. Cause 'stand and your wrist breaks' Michael is drastically different from 'he has a great heart' Michael'," Alex couldn't help but be smug. It was so easy to make fun of the couple for how they behaved in the early days of their war. It was also easy to tease them about how she was caught in the middle of their drama. She was so glad that it eventually got resolved. They were far less annoying together.
"You said that? What else did you say about me?" Nudging Nikita, Michael flashed his endearing half-smile. She wouldn't look at her boyfriend. It wasn't as though she was embarrassed. Okay, she was a little embarrassed. Before they were together, she was possibly a bit too dramatic and sappy while talking about him. But he couldn't say anything about that. She knew he had been the same way.
"She said you were smart and kind. And that you were the only person worth trusting- in some aspects," Alex stared pointedly at Nikita as she told Michael. The rogue had said some mean things about him too, but of course the young woman didn't bring those up. Watching Nikita blush and Michael grin like an idiot was her goal. Birkhoff laughed in agreement to her plan. But only for a second. Alex had something to take him down a peg, as well, "She also said Birkhoff was the only person worth annoying."
"You sicked your protégé on me?" Laughter dying out, Birkhoff huffed. He should've known as much. The second he and Nikita had met again after being separated for three years, they snarked and pissed each other off. They would do anything they could to be annoying. It was a good thing they were friends, otherwise, they'd try to kill one another.
"I had to. Your ego got way too big without me there," Nikita finally composed herself enough to taunt Birkhoff. He only rolled his eyes, having learned not to raise to her bait. Besides, she kind of had a point. Michael's and Alex's nods proved as much.
They were getting off topic, however. The friends had gathered in the kitchen to discuss dinner plans, not just trash each other about their pasts. That could continue once they ate. Alex would make sure of that, "Are we gonna get takeout or not?"
"Come on. I'm buying, since I do have a great heart," Taking a hold of his girlfriend's hand, Michael led the way out of the safehouse. Whereas Birkhoff and Alex excitedly hoped after him, Nikita dragged her feet. She was seriously considering why she decided it was a good idea to have a team.
"I hate all of you," Nikita rolled her eyes and groaned. A smile did pull at her lips, though. How could she not grin.
"You brought this on yourself," Alex attempted to chide, but a giggle broke past her defenses. Nikita was the reason they were all together. Without her, they'd either be on opposing sides of a war, or dead. She was also there because of them. They had all saved each other and shown each other the truth. However, that was something they had all acknowledged a million times by that point. They didn't need to rehash the past. Their focus should remain on the present as they ate good food and hung out as friends.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it so much!