Set after 3x09 "Survival Instincts". Sean and Nikita help one another.
Her hands clutched the edge of the counter. She tried to control the shake of her limbs by the sheer force of her grip, but her chest wouldn't stop heaving. Tears swelled in her eyes. Yet, whether she managed to hold them back or they couldn't fall when her breath was so ragged, she didn't know. She wasn't aware of anything. Her body doubled over on itself, knuckles white as they tried to ground her. She couldn't breathe. No amount of inhaling could get her to breathe. It wasn't quite hyperventilating. It was more choked sobs that were leaving her than air. She felt like she was falling. She felt like she was shaking so much she'd crack open and it'd all be over.
Only one thing came to mind on how to fix it. If she wanted to get a hold of herself, if she wanted her heart to stop beating so painfully, she knew what she had to do. Her solution was readily available to her. She knew how to get it without anyone noticing. Except, she couldn't move from her spot. Her feet were glued to the floor. And her mind seemed to catch on fire with the singular thought. She couldn't. But how else was she to stop shaking. She wouldn't fall down that path. But how could she stop the screams in her head if she didn't.
Movement happened without her say so. She pushed off the counter and rushed to the pantry. They only had cooking wine in the apartment. She knew herself enough not to have actual alcohol; she only drank it on special occasions. Yet what she had would have to do. She'd drink just the right amount to settle her nerves, then she'd score what she was truly craving. It didn't matter if she got it from the streets or from Medical. It was available to her in all forms. Her hectic breathing, pitted stomach, trembling muscles, and violent heartbeat could be controlled with one simple thing. There would be silence in her mind once again.
However, the instant she uncorked the bottle, a shot of rationality coursed through her. What was she doing- she knew better. She couldn't get high or drunk. That wouldn't fix anything. It'd only be a false sense of fleeting hope. She had to suffer, and remove herself from temptation. With the same force she had gripped the counter, she held tightly to the neck of the bottle. She thought of simply pouring it down the drain, but then the urge to drown her sorrows became deafening. Throwing the bottle into the sink was her only way to make it shut up.
Glass shattered upon impact. Shards exploded in the sink, some escaping into the kitchen. Dark oozing red liquid fell from each broken shard. Throwing away her temptation wasn't the catharsis she thought it would've been. The grating sound, the dripping red, it was too much for the screams in her head. She shut her eyes, needing to drown them out. Need for an easy solution coursed through her veins once more. Clutching her sides, doubling over, breathing so hard she cried, she backed as far away from the front door as possible. Her nails nearly ripped the fabric of her shirt. But she didn't care. She just had to make it stop.
Sean wasn't sure why he felt nervous. All he was doing was asking Nikita some questions. Though, the probability of him putting his foot in his mouth was high. He had just gotten things right with Alex and the team. He didn't need one little misstep to ruin everything for him. Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, he knocked on the apartment door. There was no response. He tried again, knocking harder. Again, there was nothing. He could've sworn Nikita went home for the night; she had told Alex that. Suddenly concerned, he decided to use his extra key- maybe it was a good thing that they all had keys to each other's place.
"Hey, Nikita. You home? I want to ask you something," Sean shouted into the dark apartment. The lack of responses really started to freak him out. Reaching for his gun, he searched for any signs of Nikita- or even Michael, if he had finally returned home. He found the light switch, and immediately illuminated the place. The sight of the kitchen in front of him almost made him step back. Glass and wine littered the sink, the counter, and the floor. And Nikita was curled into the corner, hyperventilating. Sean couldn't help but panic, "Nikita?"
The sound of another person snapped Nikita out of her head. She hadn't even known Sean had entered her apartment until he approached her. She shook her head to make him go away, however. She had no other control. Her breath was caught in her chest, and her muscles wouldn't stop trembling. But she was able to push him away. No matter what, she could always push people away. It was what she was best at, "Just… go… or talk… just talk."
Sean didn't know how to react at first. He knew he had to put his weapon away- that was a given. But he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. Nikita was obviously in distress. He couldn't ignore her. He also couldn't approach her to comfort her; her tense body and panicked eyes made that abundantly clear. He'd have to follow her harsh command if he wanted to be of any use, "Right, uh… oh. You know Alex and I are officially together. Well, I was thinking of bringing her to meet my sisters next week."
Nikita closed her eyes, clutched the fabric of her t-shirt even tighter, and choked on a sob. Out of reflex, Sean closed the distance between them. As he neared her again, however, his shoe stepped on a shard of glass. The sharp sound made her flinch violently. She pressed her back further into the wall, and her head slammed back. He froze. She was beyond distressed- beyond the anxiety attack he believed she was having. He recognized a PTSD attack when he saw one.
"I feel I owe it to Jill and Sandy since I maybe talked about Alex just a little too much," Trying to get a better control over his own emotions, Sean continued. Nikita needed him to remain calm if she was ever going to calm down herself. He thought the self-deprecating joke would get through her muddled mind. She loved any chance to tease her friends. Slowly, her eyes opened. He smiled softly as he kept talking, "Though, they kinda heard two different versions of Alex. There's the agent and the heiress. I'm not sure which one I should introduce."
He knew better than to expect a response from her. But he did give Nikita the chance to say something. A long silent pause followed, but Sean used the time to focus his attention on the broken bottle and spilled wine. He'd clean that up for her. It was the least he could do after all she had helped him with, "You're right. That should be Alex's decision. I'll talk to her about it later. Probably after I make her talk about her relapse."
Glancing at Nikita, Sean wanted to know if the topic would send her into another spiral. She just looked up at him with wide unfocused eyes. Some part of her seemed to be registering his words and actions, however. The briefest flash of guilt crossed her gaze as he cleaned her shattered mess. He continued despite it. He'd do whatever it took to bring her back to reality.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't know how to address her relapse. I know I need to be supportive. And I know how I can help her control her anxiety. I just don't want to sound insensitive," Being cautious of the broken glass helped Sean keep his emotions in check as he admitted his problem. Alex deserved the best from him. He simply was unsure what his best should look like. Instead of stumbling through an answer and making another ass of himself, he decided to ask his friends for help. He didn't need to go it alone, just like Alex didn't.
"You had helped Alex get clean before. You also have a history of drug use. I just want to know what I can do to be helpful. I know it's an ongoing healing process. I want to be there every step of the way," Sean didn't look at Nikita. She didn't need eyes studying her, especially as he discussed such a heavy topic. The more space he gave her- the more he distracted her- the better. Besides, maybe speaking his thoughts aloud was the perfect way to solve his problems.
Eventually, a small voice haltingly responded. The words were broken and barely above a whisper. Yet, Nikita finally replied. "Tell her that. Tell her everything you told me. It might sound awkward, but she'll know it's from your heart. If she knows you're there for her, then she'll be fine. Show her your heart, and she'll know you're hers. Though, sometimes, you just need a person to talk to… or be around."
"No matter where you are in your life, addiction really is lifelong, huh?" Sean spared a glance at Nikita. She wouldn't look at him. Her forehead was pressed into the tops of her knees, and her arms were wrapped tightly around herself. Slowly, she breathed. And slightly, she shook. She must've been exhausted. Attacks like those were completely draining. He wanted to know what had caused it and where her head had gone. Except, he knew better than to pry. She'd tell him on her own time. For the moment, she needed rest, or at least a distraction. Picking up on something she had said, Sean went for the distraction, "What'd you want to talk about?"
Raising her head and resting her chin on her knees, Nikita stared at Sean for a long moment. He finished cleaning and moved to sit across from her on the floor. He continued to smile softly at her. She had to look away. Either embarrassment or shame reddened her cheeks and she didn't want to know which it was. She just wanted to melt away, but that wasn't an option. She had to continue talking. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how she truly felt) a question burned on her lips. She had to ask, "How do Navy men think?"
"Like dumbasses," Instantly, Sean replied. He was starting to know what had caused Nikita's attack. Breaking the wine bottle was her attempt to silence her urge to harmfully drown her demons. He shouldn't ask her about it. Or let on that he knew. He should only answer her seriously, "There's a lot of pride. We want to be strong, especially for those we love. If we feel like we can't protect them, we do something stupid. A major loss or injury can cause that."
Sean spoke from experience. Nikita read it all over his face. The Seal lost his mother, feared he'd lose Alex the same way, and pushed the girl he loved away. Michael lost his hand, believed he couldn't protect Nikita without it, and pushed the love of his life away. It was the same situation when it was boiled down like that. But Sean had come back from it. He fought through his "stupidity" and was with Alex. Michael could do the same, "How can I help?"
"It's the same advice you gave me. Talk to him. And if he's not listening, go full drill sergeant on his ass. You're strong and capable on your own. He should know that," Smiling brighter, Sean got to his feet. He nodded that they should move to the couch and held out his hand. Nikita didn't take it. But she did stand and follow him to the livingroom.
"I can talk to Michael again if you want. I think I have enough expertise to snap him out of it," Once Sean reclined against the soft cushions, he offered. His previous talk with Michael hadn't gone anywhere. The agent found a way to dodge the conversation by focusing on the Seal. But Sean was in a better place then. He could successfully ream Michael out for not being home. However, he wouldn't mention Nikita's PTSD attack to anyone. That was for her to share.
"No, Sean. You don't have to. I got it," Nikita instantly shook her head. She didn't want to keep pushing Michael. He had said that she had done enough, and their moment in the old training room proved as much. She had a plan to make everything right; it should only stay between her and Birkhoff. The less people that knew, the less word would get back to Michael. She didn't want him knowing what she was planning. He didn't deserve the false hope.
Nodding, Sean didn't argue with her. He trusted Nikita to know what she was doing. He should keep giving her space; though, he wasn't going to leave her just yet. He wanted to know she was herself again first, "Is there anything else while I'm still here? You can try to convince me that bringing Alex home to my sisters isn't as nerve wracking as I'm making it out to be."
"What's your family like?" Nikita asked simply. She didn't know much about Sean's family besides the basics. He mostly talked about them to Alex, which was fair. Out of everyone, she'd understand his family drama and dynamics the most; they both had power corrupt parents who they still managed to love, after all. But Nikita was curious to know how deeply his love and devotion for his family extended. She wanted to know who he had fought so vehemently for.
"Other than a corrupt mother, pretty normal," Sean shrugged and chuckled lightly. Nikita didn't appear able to respond to that comment. She had no idea what normal meant, especially in the context of family. He sighed. Sometimes, he forgot who was talking to whenever he had conversations with the team. Their sense of normalcy and civilian life was drastically different from his. Though, he was beginning to understand them, "Right. You and Alex are on two opposing ends of the strange families spectrum."
"The only thing I know about normal families is from TV," Chuckling softly to herself, Nikita admitted. She awkwardly ruffled her hair and tucked herself into the corner of the couch. She didn't know how much Sean knew about her childhood, and she didn't want to expand on it that second. She had just gotten past a torturous attack from her mind. She didn't need another.
"My family's not quite a sitcom. But we did get up to some shenanigans," Sean focused on the more lighthearted side of his family. That was easier for the night. Also, he had been serious when he asked Nikita to assure him that bringing Alex to meet his sisters wasn't as anxiety-inducing as he was making it. He had met her mother, after all. Knowing each other's families simply brought them closer as a couple; it proved how seriously they were taking their relationship. And he wanted Alex to know he was completely serious about her.
"What, like breaking your sister's nose with a football?" Nikita's slip back into sarcastically teasing her friends wasn't as seamless as she wanted it to be. She wanted to move on from whatever had happened in the kitchen immediately. The time it would take to heal didn't sit right with her. But Sean laughed at her reference, and that was good enough for the moment.
"She broke my nose actually," Still laughing, Sean clarified. Nikita couldn't help but burst out in laughter. She definitely wasn't expecting that. Yet since she had heard it, that was all she could picture and giggle about. Sean built off of her good mood by telling her more stories about his sisters. She continued to laugh and make sarcastic comments, but she never offered up her own childhood tales. That was fine with the both of them. He needed to get used to talking so openly, and she had to have the patience to simply sit and listen.
Another hour passed before the two decided it was time to part for the night. Sean had to talk to Alex, and the exhaustion Nikita felt earlier caught up to her. Yawning, she walked him to the front door. He double checked that she was alright before he opened the door and began to leave. Just before he stepped away for good, however, she called him back. "Hey. Thank you."
"You helped me. I helped you. It's what friends do," Although Sean tried to play it off as though their time together meant nothing, they both knew how meaningful their conversation was. He squeezed her shoulder tightly, sending her all the comfort he could. She returned to favor by squeezing his hand. They didn't need to say anything else. They nodded, smiled softly, and closed the door. Comfortable, weightless silence followed.