T/W: Themes of suicide and self-harm
Rex couldn't bring himself to watch the trial.
He knew he ought to. It would be the best thing he could do for Ahsoka, as a comrade and her Captain, but he simply couldn't go through the motions of connecting to the stream on his datapad.
The other men in the 501st were watching it in the common room as he trudged through some reports that had been collecting dust on his desk. He told himself that the trial would fall in Ahsoka's favour anyway, despite Skywalker not yet having any evidence of who could've been behind the crimes, but Rex knew it couldn't have been his Commander.
He expected her to bounce into the barracks soon enough, all smiles and tears as she was reunited with her men. He knew that Fives bought cake, and Jesse smuggled alcohol inside the compound.
They would celebrate into the night, and when the others had bunked down, he would console Ahsoka for the hell she had been put through.
But she never came.
He lifted his head, noticing on the chrono that it had been three hours since her trial was due to begin. It couldn't be taking this long, could it? Skywalker would've surely called him by now if something drastic had happened.
Nervously, Rex typed her name into the HoloNet. A million and something results flashed across his screen, different translations of every Republic victory the girl had been a part of now tainted by this terrorism accusation.
It made Rex's stomach tighten when he read that it was one of Ahsoka's very closest friends who set her up.
It didn't explain why Ahsoka hadn't visited the barracks yet. Skywalker would likely encourage her to see her men as soon as she was reinstated in the Order. Besides himself, he knew the only person who would be able to comfort her was their Captain.
When Rex left his office, datapad in hand, he was met with the worried stares of his brothers. In the middle of the barracks, General Kenobi was stood beside Cody. Tiredness and stress marked the Jedi's usually calm and collected expression, and Cody was avoiding his eyes.
"What's going on?" Rex asked, and nausea rolled up his throat as Kenobi took a moment to answer.
"As I'm sure you're all aware, Comman- Ahsoka was proven innocent at her trial this afternoon." He started, "Despite being offered to re-join the Jedi Order and be reinstated at General Skywalker's side, Ahsoka has made the ultimate decision to leave the Temple."
Rex stared. It was all he could do as those words rolled around his head.
She had left?
The brightest light the universe had to offer had left them?
All eyes turned back to him. Kenobi and Cody looked distraught, like this conversation physically pained them. Rex couldn't tell the exact emotions of his men, too busy sifting through his own.
He had a million questions to ask. Why wasn't it General Skywalker telling them is? Why wasn't Ahsoka telling them this? He- He could try to persuade her. Hadn't Skywalker or Kenobi tried to persuade her? How was he supposed to say goodbye if she wasn't here?
"You let her leave, sir?"
Kenobi blinked at the bitterness of Rex's question, though he composed himself quickly, tilting his chin upwards in some righteous way. "Yes, Captain. I couldn't force her to stay."
"But that's our Commander, General," surprisingly, Tup was the one to speak up, "She can't just leave, can she?"
The Jedi who usually had all of the answers pressed his lips together, "After everything that happened, Tup, I don't think we can judge Ahsoka for the decision she's made."
Rex refused to believe it.
He visited the Temple three nights in a row, looking for Skywalker. The man was never there, his quarters that he told Rex the code to years ago deserted. Ahsoka's belongings were still there, the bed freshly made with the pillows plumped just like normal.
He stayed until midnight every night, sat awkwardly on their sofa and waiting for one of them to return. He considered calling Senator Amidala, though he decided not to. Calling Ahsoka was out of the question when her commlink was still beside her bed.
If she had left, then where did she go?
She was still young, still a kid, without much of an idea how the universe existed beyond the Jedi Temple and the Resolute. Now, she might be wandering around, all alone, surrounded by people who could cause her harm, even though he knew she was stronger than anyone can give her credit for.
Why would Skywalker let her leave?
Rex scribbled another note for Ahsoka, leaving it on her bed with the others he had written.
There wasn't much to say, just desperate pleas for her to come and see him. He promised to listen and not judge her, to be a shoulder if that was what she needed. He would move mountains if it meant she would change her mind.
He was getting ready to leave again when the door opened, a haggard looking General Skywalker entering the room. The ever-alert Jedi failed to notice the intruder and didn't even twitch his hand beside his saber at the dark figure looming in the shadows.
"Where's the Commander?" Rex asked after the silence went on for too long.
"She left," Skywalker replied, his voice gravelly. The clone's eyes dropped to his belt where he saw a familiar chain of beads swinging slightly.
They slipped into silence again, Rex watching as Skywalker walked over to the kitchen area where the Captain had sat with Ahsoka to help her with schoolwork. The knot in his throat became even harder to swallow around.
"Her lightsabers are still missing," Skywalker said, putting his own on the countertop. He stared at the bar stools beside the counter, one raised higher than the other to compensate for Ahsoka being shorter than her Master.
"We should go find them, sir."
They did. It didn't take them long; the chase being so ingrained in Rex's memory that he practically knew the exact places where Ahsoka dropped her weapons. They were both in good condition.
Rex felt surprised when the General put the weapons in a box rather than back on his belt where he'd usually keep them to return to the Commander as soon as possible.
Maybe she wasn't coming back.
Rex underestimated how long it would take to adjust to not having Ahsoka at his back.
The first mission back was a disaster. Skywalker said the Commander's name at least ten times on accident. Rex couldn't decide what was worse, the General pretending he didn't say it or the glazed look he got in his eyes when the men noticed.
It was weird having to watch his own six instead of trusting Ahsoka to protect his blind spots. He got hurt more often, new scars crossing over the older ones on his skin. Kix thought he was being reckless, but he couldn't see that Rex was having to learn how to stop thinking about the sparky Togruta that should be at his side in the heat of battle.
Deep down, he wondered if she would come back if she heard that he was severely injured.
"You're going to get yourself killed, vod," Cody said softly, helping put a new bacta patch on a nasty burn across his shoulder. It still tingled, the nerves damaged and though Kaminoan skin grafts are advanced, the area was a lighter tan than the rest of him.
"Maybe that would be for the best," Rex replied, even though he knew that wasn't the case. His men needed him still.
Cody sighed heavily, an older brother chastising a younger one. He stepped around Rex to look him in the eyes. "Killing yourself won't bring her back, Rex."
He blinked, "What?"
"I'm not an idiot," Cody said fiercely, "You're throwing yourself in harm's way with the hope that the General will call her back to the front. It isn't going to work. All you'll do is guilt trip Ahsoka into making the wrong decision."
Rage burned in Rex's chest, "You don't think she's made the wrong decision already? She left us, Cody, when we needed her most."
"Would you have done anything differently, if you were in her place?" Cody deadpanned. It was strange to hear such a righteous officer agreeing with the actions of a deserter. That was what Ahsoka was.
"I might've ran," Rex argued. He imagined this every night, being in Ahsoka's place and her putting out the all-points bulletin for his arrest. It was some sort of fucked up coping mechanism he had created. "But I wouldn't abandon my men after being proved innocent."
"Even if they abandoned you first?" Cody raised his scarred eyebrow, suddenly looking older than Rex had ever seen him. How much longer was this bloody war going to drag on for? Would he see the end of it?
The Marshal Commander scoffed, "Being on trial isn't easy if you've got nobody at your back."
"We had her back."
Cody shook his head sadly, "I didn't see you trying to help her."
"General Kenobi!"
The ginger man turned at the first call of his name, worn eyes landing on Rex instantly despite there being at least eight clones with the same voice in close proximity.
"Captain Rex," Kenobi nodded to the Senators he was walking with, gesturing for them to go on whilst Rex caught up, "What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry to interrupt your duties, sir," absentmindedly, Rex fiddled with his helmet before tucking it under one arm. "It's just- it's been a month, and I haven't heard anything from the Commander."
Kenobi lifted a brow, "Cody?"
"No," Rex shook his head, swallowing hard. "Comm- former-Commander Tano."
Immediately, Kenobi shifted his stance, his arms crossing over his chest. His entire presence changed. "I'm sorry, Captain, I haven't heard from Ahsoka myself since she left."
Rex remained hopeful, "Do you think General Skywalker has?"
"I doubt it," Kenobi stroked his chin, "If he has, he's certainly keeping it to himself. Senator Amidala hasn't heard anything either."
Letting his guard slip down, Rex dropped his head, blowing air out through his teeth. He thought Ahsoka would've visited by now, or at least called to say where she was and that she was okay. The radio silence had been deafening.
There was a hand on his shoulder, Kenobi's expression bordering on sympathetic when Rex lifted his eyes. "I think it's time we tried to move on from this, Captain. Ahsoka has, so it's best we follow suit."
Rex had never felt so tired.
Even the easiest of tasks were demanding too much effort than he was willing to give. It took him twice as long to get up and shower every morning. He would lay there for minutes at a time, wondering if it was all worth it. It wasn't like anyone was going to force him.
He was almost tempted to cock up on a mission, accidentally shoot a civilian or plant a bomb in one of their tanks, to get himself shipped back to Kamino. Reconditioning would let him forget about the Togruta once and for all, even though the details were already fading.
He couldn't picture her markings so clearly anymore or find the exact shade of blue of the stripes on her lekku that he used to count in his sleep.
Sleep was hard to come by too. He was lucky to get a few hours of undisturbed rest every night and spent the rest of the time drinking tasteless caf or working on his aim in the training rooms.
He stopped sitting in the mess hall at mealtimes, always feeling his men watching him as he sat there with a tray of untouched food, staring at the seat opposite him where the Commander used to laugh at his jokes and stories until she had tears in her eyes.
"Do you want me to write you off for sick leave?" Coric offered, bordering on patronising, "Cody won't mind taking over. I can't have you on the field like this."
Rex sighed, rubbing a hand over his head. His hair was getting long, a visible symptom of the neglect he had been showing himself. "I'll be fine, Coric."
The Sergeant didn't believe him, and after a sneaky conversation with General Skywalker, the 501st was conveniently put on leave for two weeks.
They went to 79s. Rex watched his brothers drink and dance, flirting with Twi'leks and Togrutas alike. It made him feel nauseous, how relaxed and carefree they were.
It had been forty-five days since the trial, and Rex didn't think he has even fully processed everything yet.
Fives' arrival in the club managed to ease some of the tightness out of his chest, but Rex soon left when he saw the ARC sporting a new tattoo around his wrist. A string of beads, the same ones no longer hanging on Skywalker's belt.
He didn't remember walking back to the barracks, only waking up on a bunk with a raging Kix above his head. Apparently, they found him facedown in a gutter, a deep cut on his forehead from hitting it on the curb when he fell.
Rex never drank that night. The others didn't know that the injury was most likely intentional.
"You're going to get yourself killed someday," Kix hissed, pressing a cold compress to the nasty bruise. "And then we'll all suffer."
"I just wan' my best friend back…" Rex murmured, still loopy from a concussion.
Kix glanced at Jesse, and the new ARC shrugged.
The medic turned back to Rex, "I know, Captain. We all miss her."
He nicked his chin shaving one morning, thinking too much about the time Ahsoka couldn't stop laughing when Fives started growing his goatee for the first time.
He got the cloth ready to dab the small cut, though he didn't move to blot the bleeding. He leant his hands on the edges of the basin, head dropped, and eyes glued to the small drops of watery blood that were collecting near the drain.
"Captain."
He didn't straighten at Skywalker's voice behind him, only offering the Jedi a short nod through the mirror. "General."
"Are the men ready to leave?" If Skywalker notices the blood dripping steadily down his cheek, he doesn't mention it.
"Ready and waiting," Rex replied, blotting at the cut and biting back a wince at the sting.
The Jedi took a step closer to him, "It's going to be a tough one."
Rex knew. He had heard what they would be up against. "Nothing we haven't done before, General. The men will fight until their last breaths; we've trained them well."
"I know; I couldn't be prouder."
You've trained her well, Rex remembered saying to him once, jutting his chin at the Togruta Padawan in a tube top who was boosting morale in the trenches.
Skywalker had smiled, She'll be a good General someday.
Rex turned around to face his officer. They had been through a lot together. Fives' death was still fresh, a wound that would take time to heal, though not comparable to the still gaping hole in the Captain's chest.
The man in front of him was no longer a cocky nineteen-year-old Knight with an attitude the size of Coruscant. He was a man who had taken a real beating over the last three years. Nothing had been easy for him.
"I think you should hold onto these."
The painfully familiar string of beads was held out to Rex, and his jaw clenched on instinct.
"No offence, sir, but I think the Commander gave those to you to look after."
It felt nice, speaking about Ahsoka without a crushing weight in the centre of his chest. Rex supposed that was because it had been nearly three months since she left, or that he was speaking to the only person who could understand how hellish it had felt to live and fight every day without her.
"I have her lightsabers," Anakin offered the braid again, firmer this time. His smile was genuine but sad. "I want you to have this."
Gently, Rex took the braid from his General's hand. It felt light against his palm, like it wasn't even there at all. He was already thinking of a safe place to tuck it into his armour.
"You know, all this time, it's felt like I'm thinking about someone who's dead. Like I'm grieving." He said quietly, as if there were cameras in the walls.
Skywalker shrugged, and Rex could tell that he had felt the same way. "Would you rather she had stayed, after everything she went through?"
Rex shook his head, "I thought for a long time that she had made the wrong decision."
Skywalker nodded in understanding, "So did I."
Rex found himself frowning as Skywalker walked over to him. What news could Admiral Yuleran possibly have given him to make him so chipper? Kenobi was a step behind the ecstatic Knight, a weary look on his face though he was smiling and nodding at every word that Skywalker said.
"What's the news, sirs?" Rex asked, eager to know what had caused all the fuss.
Skywalker planted a hand on his shoulder, practically glowing. "Rally the troops, Rex. Ahsoka's meeting us space-side."
Rex didn't need any more details. He barely managed to keep himself in check as he was dismissed, and it was impossible to keep the spring out of his step as he approached his men.
She was back. His best friend was coming back.