She had been gripping onto his jacket so hard her knuckles had turned white, she could feel his hand stroking the top of her head. The feeling of his arms wrapped around her, giving her a sense of security. But it wasn't enough to dull the pain, to take away the image of Adam lying on the floor, his body cold, not a breath of life in him. She had seen a million dead bodies in her lifetime, it was part of her job. But it never readied her for the moments where it would be someone she knew, someone she had spoken to. Someone she had become to know well.
It was only last week when they had attended his daughter's christening, when they had shared jokes over flutes of champagne. She had ended the morning annoyed at him for hiding the truth but that didn't matter now. Because he told his truth, in the end. He was an honest and kind soul and he deserved better than this.
She couldn't help but feel guilty, that she was the one who put him in danger. If she hadn't got him back onto the case, if she hadn't kept ringing him then maybe he would be safe now. Maybe his wife wouldn't be receiving the dreaded phone call, maybe she wouldn't have to explain to their children why their daddy won't be coming home tonight.
Nikki was sobbing loudly once again as all the thoughts filled her head, Jack's arms tightened around her. A few hours ago they were sharing drinks in a cosy pub, Nikki had told him all about her volunteering. And now they were here, watching the paramedics zip Adam into one of those horrid bags. They don't bother him usually but it's always different when someone you know is inside them.
Jack turned away, unable to look in that direction any longer, the tears fell from his eyes. He couldn't believe that this was happening again, that they had managed to lose someone else. He couldn't bear to be here any longer, watching them taking him away. He felt guilty for never giving Adam a chance, but the man knew, deep down. You trusted me. That means a lot. His words would haunt him forever. But at least he knew. He knew that he never hated him.
"Come on, we should go," he could barely get the words out, he swallowed the lump in his throat as he loosened his grip on Nikki. But she was pulling him back towards her.
"Jack," she started but it was barely a whisper. "I can't."
He cleared his throat, he needed to be the strong one now. It was how they worked, Jack needed to support Nikki, he needed to be there for her. "I'll take you back to mine," he pulled away from her slightly, but not too much. Not so much that she would think he was letting go. That's the last thing he would do right now, for his sake as much as hers. He needed her as much as she needed him. "I'm not leaving you on your own tonight."
Nikki nodded slowly, she could feel her legs giving way already, she wasn't going to be able to stand for much longer. Her eyes hadn't left the spot where Adam had been lying. Jack plucked the keys from her hands as he guided her away, back to her car.
They didn't speak for the rest of the journey, there was nothing to say now. He could see Nikki swiping a hand at her cheek every now and again and Jack would be lying if he said that he didn't put his foot down when he could just so he could get back to his quicker, he just wanted to hold her in his arms. To protect her. To shut the horrible world out just for a few hours. His hand passed over the threshold, taking hold of hers and squeezing gently. She tightened around his hand.
Jack guided her up the path to his, slowly opening the lock. He didn't know what time it was but it was late and he couldn't wake his dad up now. Partially because he would only get annoyed at his sleep being interrupted but also because then he would have to explain what had just happened and he wasn't sure if he was quite ready for that yet.
"Uh," Jack stopped awkwardly. What do they do now? This wasn't the first time they had been in this situation, this weird lull of shock. When you can't quite comprehend the life that has just been ripped away from you. You don't know what to say, what to do. But there's a crushing wave of sadness washing through you and it hurts, it almost burns.
He took one look at Nikki, her bloodshot eyes wandering around the room, she looked lost, scared and utterly broken. He stepped forward engulfing her into his arms as she sobbed. His fingers threading through her hair as he held her against his chest. He cried too, the tears slipping down his cheeks.
They stood there for a few moments, clinging on to each other for dear life as the grief consumed them. He waited for the sobs to subside before he broke the silence again.
"I'll, uh, get you some blankets," he breathed. "Or you can take my bed I, I don't mind sleeping on the sofa."
"Jack," she whispered. He hummed a response. "Take me to bed."
He did as she asked, his hand taking hold of hers as he guided the way to his bedroom. This wasn't how it was meant to be, wasn't how he had imagined it. The first time Nikki was meant to be in his bedroom was after a nice meal in a fancy restaurant with candles lighting up their faces. He'd ask her in for coffee afterwards, they'd talk for a bit before one thing led to another.
But no they were here, again. He shouldn't have expected anything else, they were Jack and Nikki after all. They didn't exactly do things in the ways they're intended to be done.
He dropped her hand as they entered his room, he swiftly shut the door behind him; a habit he was having to get into again since living with his dad. He had gone so many years without having to shut any doors and now he was like a prisoner in his own home. He didn't mind so much if he was being honest, his father was ill and he wanted him close by. He could withstand the loss of some privileges if it meant he could spend time with his da' while he could.
Nikki stood there, frozen to the spot. The jacket she'd worn still draped around her. Jack moved, rummaging through the drawers to pull out an old shirt of his. He handed it over to her, "Here you go, might be more comfortable to sleep in than jeans," he chuckled but the smile didn't reach his lips. They would've laughed at that if the circumstances had been different. But it wouldn't be right now, not when the hospital were probably on the phone to Marie, delivering the news.
He winced, he didn't want to think about that. He couldn't, it would be too much.
Nikki didn't move, her hand gripping onto the flannel shirt he had given to her. She was staring at it, her thumb stroking the material.
He watched her for a moment, he didn't know the boundaries, he didn't know what she was comfortable with. Nikki was a stubborn woman who never accepted help but his heart shattered as he looked at her now; she needed his help. Just like she had needed his help after Leo. He stepped towards her, his palm cupping her cheek for a brief second; it was so she knew, she knew what he was about to do and so she could tell him to stop if she wanted to.
The last time he had done this was the night of Leo's death. He hadn't been able to get her to speak but he had barely said a word either. It was only when they needed sleep, when she needed to at least rest before their flight home did the issues start. He helped her then, just like he helped her now.
His hand slipped under her jacket, peeling it down her arms and dropping to the floor. It felt different this time. All those years ago they had barely known each other, but now. Now they knew each other, better than they knew themselves. He could read Nikki like a book, as she could he. He loved her, pure and simple. One day he might just get round to admitting that but when the time is right. That was what he was telling himself, when the time is right.
He moved behind her as he lifted her jumper over her head, trying to hide his sharp intake of breath as his eyes travelled over her skin. He wanted to run his finger along her shoulders, he wanted to pinpoint every freckle. But it wasn't the time. He made to pull the flannel around her body but she stretched a hand behind her as she unclasped the hooks at her back. Jack closed his eyes and swallowed hard. This really wasn't the time. But it had been building up for months. Their touches lasted longer than they used to, he'd catch her staring at him from across the room and the flutters in his stomach had surged each time.
He took a step back, the blood pounding in his ears. The tears filling his eyes. He couldn't explain any of it. It felt like a dream, like none of this was real. That he was just living in a torturous nightmare.
He didn't realise that she had taken the flannel from him and finished dressing herself until he seen her sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting. Waiting for him to join her. Waiting for him to hold her once again.
He got changed as quickly as possible before he moved around the side of the bed, pulling away the blankets. He gave her one last look, a look of reassurance. A look that made sure he wasn't pushing her too far. Then she was climbing into the bed and he was joining her. He pulled the blanket over them before he was wrapping his arms around her and holding him to his chest again.
The tears fell from her eyes, her face pressed into Jack, "It's my fault."
Jack pulled away from her sharply, an incredulous look on his face, "What?" Of course she was already blaming herself, she wouldn't be Nikki if she wasn't.
"If I hadn't had kept ringing him, if I had just let him leave then he wouldn't have found out the truth and he would still be alive," her voice was calm, surprisingly. It was clear that she had been thinking this though for the past couple of hours, finding every little way to blame herself for what happened. "Why can't I just leave things alone? Maybe if I did Leo would still be here, Thomas would be alive and so would Adam."
He cupped her face, "You listen to me, none of this is your fault Nikki. How can it be?" He sighed. "Besides, Adam would've dug for the truth regardless of whether you involved him in the case again or not." He paused, gathering his thoughts as he pulled her into him once again.
"I think we were all alike, more than we realised," he breathed. "He may have spent his whole life lying, but he aimed for the truth in the end. That takes courage. To stand up to the people who have a hold on you, to fight for what you believe is right. He would've made the connection one way or another." He was rambling at this point, not quite knowing what he was talking about; the events of the day slowly catching up on him.
"What I'm trying to say is, Adam would've found it out eventually and he may have ended up in the same situation but none of this is your fault, Nikki," he was looking down at her again. "Do you hear me? It's not your fault."
She nodded slowly, her eyes searching his. His fingers were threading through her hair, "Try and get some rest, please."
They were quiet for a few moments, just listening to each others breathing. Nikki could feel Jack's heart beating against her ear, it was soothing her but she didn't close her eyes. She couldn't. She was too scared what she would see when she did. She knew Jack was doing the same, he tried to be strong, he tried to bury his feelings down for the sake of comforting her. But she knew him, she knew he was thinking the same things as her. Even if he was the one telling her that it wasn't her fault.
"Jack," she broke the silence. "Did he say anything?"
Jack closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as gnawed the inside of his cheek, "He said that us trusting him meant a lot." It was all he could get out before his eyes were blurring once again. Nikki must've sensed the tears as she sat up, her hand coming to his cheek. He leaned into her touch, his hand resting on top of hers as his thumb stroked her skin.
"Jack," she started, her eyes connected with his. The words were on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't quite get them out.
"I know," he said with an understanding nod.