DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters, they belong to JK Rowling, I am just playing with them!
She was enjoying her stay at Grimmauld so far. Harry had stopped being so angry with herself and Ron, all of her homework and reading was in a good place and the cleaning wasn't nearly as bad as Ron made it out to be. Though the house was creepy, she felt comfortable here. She was also enjoying her time with Remus. He seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say and she felt like she could be as geeky as she liked with her opinions and thoughts and he didn't seem to care at all. She could feel that crush she had on him when he started at Hogwarts rearing its head and pushed it down. Remus was her friend. She didn't need to go making it awkward with a silly crush.
She walked into the library, looking for her Potions essay. She was sure this was the last place she had been working on it and wanted to add a little more to the antidotes section and found Remus there, pacing, rubbing the back of his neck and looking utterly panicked so she cast what she hoped was a friendly smile.
"Hello, Remus." she said politely, smiling at him. Her smile faltered when he simply stared at her, like he was shocked to see her. He didn't say anything, he just stared at her and she cleared her throat.
"Remus? Are you ok?" she asked and he frowned, dropping his hand from the back of his neck. She observed his eyes closely. Grey. This was definitely Remus, not Moony.
"You shouldn't be here." he said finally. She was confused, what did he mean she shouldn't be here? Did he mean in the library? At Grimmauld?
"At Grimmauld?" she asked, her tone higher than usual and she cleared her throat again.
"No. Here. With me." he said and she shook her head slightly. Had she done something to offend him? Did... Did he realise that she had a small crush on him? Had she made him uncomfortable? She started to panic a little but tried her best to push it down.
"Why… Did I… Do something wrong?" she asked, her breath catching in her chest.
"I… Spend time with your friends." he replied and she frowned. She had spent time with her friends. She was going to head back to them as soon as she had her essay, she hadn't planned on spending any time with him tonight.
"But I-"
"Spend time with people your own bloody age and stop hanging around me, ok?! It's... annoying. You're a fucking annoyance to me." he said, his voice full of something she had never, ever heard from him- malice. She annoyed him? She didn't think she had done much on this visit to annoy anyone but then she was Hermione Granger. She was annoying as a person, she knew that. It's why Harry and Ron hadn't initially wanted to be her friend, it's why they had stopped talking to her in third year. She annoyed everyone but he was the last person she wanted to annoy.
"I... I'm sorry if..."
"I don't care. Just fucking leave me alone." he snarled. It looked so foreign on him. Like it didn't belong on his handsome face. She opened her mouth to reply but nothing was coming. She couldn't think quick enough. All she could hear was him saying that she was a fucking annoyance to him.
"And you shouldn't be wearing make up, it's... You look absolutely fucking ridiculous." He all but spat at her and that sent her mind reeling. She felt the hot sting of the tears gathering in her eyes, the burn of the pain in her chest that Remus of all people could say such awful things to her. She couldn't look at him, couldn't bare to see that snarl on his face, meant only for her and so she took a deep breath, pulled her shoulders back and nodded. Finally, her body seemed to fully connect to her brain and she managed to walk away from him, away from the library before her tears fell.
"Hermione!" Sirius said as she all but walked into him.
"Sorry." she mumbled, making to move past him but he held onto her upper arm.
"Hermione, what on Earth-"
"I'm fine. Please Sirius." she whispered, hating that her voice sounded so broken. She pulled out of his grasp, feeling terrible that she was being so rude but she had to get to her room. He let her go and she all but ran the rest of the way, closing the door quietly and sitting on her bed. The tears came thick and fast then, almost choking her in their intensity.
She sobbed, biting down on her fist to try and relocate the pain anywhere but her chest. It burned so much that she truly wondered for a moment if something was broken inside of her. Remus had been utterly awful and she wondered what she could have possibly done to make him say such things. They were mid way through the full moon cycle and she had seen no hint at all of amber in those grey eyes. Which meant everything he had said had come straight from Remus. She didn't know if that made it worse. She wanted to leave, wanted to run from him, didn't want to stay here the remainder of the visit but she knew she had to. There were only a couple of days left and there was no reason that was logical enough to tell anyone else that she needed to leave. She was stuck here with a man that despised her. There was a quiet knock on her door and she was about to tell whoever it was that she didn't feel well but then they spoke. He spoke.
"Hermione?" He asked in his trademark gentle tone and the shock of him being there now made her breath catch. He would have heard it. She knew he would have and she hated it.
"Hermione, can I come in please?" He asked and she panicked. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to hear anything else about how abhorrent she was as a person and so she did the only thing she could think to do and scrambled off of her bed, retreating to the bathroom. She closed the door quietly. Even if he came into her bedroom, he definitely wouldn't come in here. She was safe from him in here.
She didn't know how long she spent curled up in a ball on the freezing cold bathroom floor. It could have been minutes, or it could have been hours but she didn't care. When she came back to her bed, she found no comfort in the warm duvet or in the plan she had formed. She would just avoid him. It was only a couple of days. She would be able to make it through that without spending time in the same room as him. The only issue was mealtimes but he would need to be at least a little reasonable with that. She had to eat, after all. If it became an issue, she could always just take meals to her room.
The next morning, she woke with a thumping headache. It burned behind her eyes, which felt swollen and her throat was so dry that it hurt to swallow. She felt incredibly nervous as she got dressed for the day and when she spotted her mascara on the side, she debated for a full 10 minutes on what to do. She put it on, because she wasn't about to let a man dictate to her what she could and couldn't put on her own face. A final look in the mirror told her she looked tired but it would do and so she headed down to breakfast.
As she got to the bottom of the stairs and rounded the corner to the hallway leading to the kitchen, she looked up and immediately locked gazes with him. Fuck. She looked down quickly, debating on whether running would be a good idea. Instead, she took a breath, pulled her shoulders back and walked into the kitchen without looking at him. She sat as far as possible away from him, sandwiched between Ginny and Ron, engaging in their conversation about the upcoming Gryffindor team and who was likely to try out. She wasn't hungry, she felt sick with nerves and she could feel him watching her. She shifted, maybe she was just imagining it but she felt like his eyes were on her. She wanted to say what do you want? Do you want me to leave? But she remained silent and eventually, breakfast was done.
She knew the agenda today included getting rid of the Doxies in the lounge, which was fine by her. Molly had made it clear where they would be so he could easily avoid her. There was nothing of his in the room, so he didn't need to be in here. Sirius had tried to help in the morning, subtly asking if she was ok and she gave a short 'mmmhmm' before getting back to work. She wasn't sure he believed her. At lunch, she grabbed a sandwich and wandered off, not wanting to repeat breakfast but she was so hungry she couldn't really avoid eating. Plus, it meant Remus could enjoy his lunch without her being around.
After lunch, Molly had given them a ladder to get the Doxies in the tops of the curtains. Hermione didn't know why the adults that could use magic couldn't just handle those ones but sighed, setting the ladder up.
"Right. Who is going up?" she asked and Harry, Ron and Ginny all looked between each other and she rolled her eyes.
"That'll be me, then?" she asked, beginning her ascent.
"It looks dangerous. It might not hold your weight." Ron said and she pursed her lips at him.
"It's fine, Ronald." she sighed, climbing to the top and trying not to panic at how unstable this ladder felt.
"Are you sure? It seems unsafe and you're really high up." Ginny said.
"Honestly, it's not even high. You all love flying, this is much less risky!" She chided, still not really understanding the fascination with flying. It really was such a dangerous method of transportation. She much preferred keeping her feet on the ground.
"Brooms are way safer than that old ladder." Harry said sceptically.
"Hardly. How many bones have you broken on a broom?" She asked and Harry only muttered. She smirked at this, remembering how he had needed to have all of the bones regrown in his arm after falling off of his broom. Granted, Lockhart had made them disappear but had he not injured himself on the broom first, he wouldn't have needed to.
"Mmm, thought so." She said, feeling a little happier than she had all day.
"Oh, hi Remus." Ron said from below and she froze, wobbling a little on the old ladder but managing to regain her balance. What was he doing here? Surely he wouldn't say much in front of her friends? Or would he? She had no idea any more of what he would or wouldn't do. He was a very different person in her head now to the one she had thought he was.
"Hello. I came to see if you needed help?" He asked politely. So politely that it made her heart ache. He used to speak like that to her. She didn't know what to do, she almost felt paralysed by her own nerves.
"Mum said we aren't allowed help. She took Sirius' wand for helping." Ginny said glumly and Remus laughed. She had always liked his laugh, it was deep and melodic and had served to make her smile but now she could feel tears gathering at the sound. No, she couldn't cry. Not here, not without reason.
"I won't help with magic, that way she can't take my wand." He reasoned. Still, Hermione stayed where she was, facing away and looking at the final Doxie who seemed to be mocking her. Everyone bloody mocked her.
"Are you sure?" Harry asked and she could hear him moving into the room. In a panic, she grabbed the last Doxie rather harshly and began her descent of the ladder. As she came down, she heard the wood of the third from bottom rung splinter. Before she could do anything, it snapped and sent her crashing to the bottom of the ladder with a sharp yelp. The Doxie bit her finger and she flung it away, feeling the sting of a definitely bleeding knee as she did. She felt a gentle hand on her upper arm and then Remus of all people was there.
"Hermione, are you ok?" He asked and she stumbled back, away from him, pulling her arm from his gentle grasp as she sucked her finger into her mouth. At least she wasn't crying. But he was fucking there, so close and she didn't want him to feel obliged to help her.
"I stand corrected, Harry." She said, turning her back to Remus. That would let him know she didn't require his help, as much as her knee was throbbing.
"You ok?" Harry asked and she nodded.
"Fine. I'll sort myself out." She said, turning to walk from the room and she all but walked into Sirius. Again. What was wrong with her lately?
"Oh, sorry, Sirius, I wasn't looking where I was going." She said, trying to make her way around him but he grabbed her shoulders.
"What happened?" he asked, concern etched on his face as he glanced down at her bleeding knee. Why was he being kind? She didn't deserve this.
"I just slipped on the ladder and cut my knee a bit. Do you have any healing potions?" She asked and Sirius nodded.
"Of course but I've no real idea how to use them, Remus would be a better help." He said, head jerking to the left and the shadow Remus was casting on the hallway became apparent. She swallowed hard, shaking her head, giving him an out from this situation and pulling her arms away from Sirius who looked confused, glancing at his friend and back at Hermione who was now stumbling over the cloak stand.
"I'm fine." Was all she said, practically running down the hall. She was not fine. She ran to her room, into the bathroom and cried on the floor yet again as she tended to her leg the muggle way; with warm water and pressure. A potion would heal it much quicker and leave her without a scab but she could hardly go back down there now, could she? She managed dinner in silence that evening, eating little and excusing herself quickly. She laid in bed early that night, her mind blank and exhausted, her knee still aching. One more day. That's all she had to get through.
"Hermione?" Came the gentle call at the door sometime later that night. Remus, again. She didn't even have the energy to hide in the bathroom. He hadn't come in yesterday so the likelihood was he wouldn't come in today but she still felt nervous. She remained silent, biting down hard on her lip.
"Hermione can I just... I... I want to apologise. And I want to see if you're OK." He said softly. He wanted to apologise? Had someone heard that altercation and told him he should? Or did he just feel like he should because she had hurt herself? Either way, she didn't think he meant it and so she stayed silent.
"Look. I know you probably can't stand me right now. With exceptionally good reason. But I just... please? Please open the door." He whispered so quietly that she barely caught it. The tears fell then and this time the pain in her chest hurt so much that she knew it was her heart breaking. He was right. She couldn't stand him, she hated what he had said, hated how he had made her feel, hated that despite that, she still felt this ridiculous pull to him. Hated that he could probably say anything and she would still want to be in his vicinity because she was just that pathetic. It was silent for a while after that and she assumed he had gone back to his room but then she heard movement and what sounded like someone at her door again.
"I'm really, really sorry, Hermione." he said and she couldn't help the small sob that she knew he would hear. She pulled her knees up to her chest and cried until she fell to sleep.
For the entire next day, she avoided him completely, as per her plan. She sat as far away from him as possible, avoided the library completely and exited any rooms that he walked in to. That night, the last night before they returned to Hogwarts, she was late to dinner. Everyone was seated and most of the way through their meals when she walked into the kitchen, a frown on her face, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. She had packed everything but her Potions essay, which she knew was in the library. Remus had been in there which had meant she hadn't had a chance to retrieve it yet but she needed it. She would have to excuse herself before he did at dinner to get it and as she looked around the dining table, she noted there was only one spot free. Next to Remus. Fuck. She looked around again and again but no chair magically appeared. Oh well, she could just come and make a sandwich later, at least she could get her essay.
"Hermione, dear, come take a seat." Molly said kindly and she wished the floor would swallow her. But it didn't.
"Oh I'm not that hungry Molly, I'll-"
"Don't be silly, there's a seat next to Remus. Sit down." she said and it was a harsh tone she had used. One not to be argued with. She sighed, turning back and walking over to the space. She could feel his eyes on her and she wanted to argue with Molly but she sat quickly, cursing the blush that had formed on her cheeks. She was so nervous she felt sick. Molly handed her a plate and she took it despite her urge to just run.
"Thank you." she smiled, though it sounded fake even to her. She shifted in the seat, trying to move away from him as much as she could. His forearm was resting on the table, right next to her knife and she couldn't get it without touching him. But she knew that would enrage him so she gave up and just poked at her dinner with a fork.
"You eating that?" Ron asked, his mouth full and fork pointed at her chicken. She glanced at Molly, who was in conversation and back to Ron, shaking her head and he took it. She couldn't have eaten if she had tried at this point. She pushed her food around, painfully aware Remus was staring at her but there wasn't much she could do. She waited impatiently until a couple of people excused themselves and then she did the same, bolting from the room. No more dinners to get through. She could pick some toast up in the morning and that would be fine. There wouldn't be any more meals.
She entered the library and went over to the desk, finding her roll of parchment exactly where she had left it and breathed a sigh of relief. Her essay was still here. She unrolled it, glancing quickly over it to make sure it was definitely hers and frowned at her antidote section. Yes, this definitely needed amendments, but she could do that tonight.
"Hermione?" Remus asked gently and she jumped. Fuck. She hadn't been quick enough, she should have just grabbed the essay and gone but no, she had taken time to read the bloody thing. She hurried to collect her things and dropped the essay on the floor in her nerves, bending down to pick it up.
"I just needed my essay." she mumbled, by way of explanation. Hopefully, he wouldn't be mad at her.
"That's ok, I-"
"I'll get out of your way, Professor." She said, turning but eyes cast down. Even with that, she could see he was blocking the threshold. He was such a tall man that he usually had to dip his head a little to get through doorways and she idly wondered how tall he was. He was definitely well over six foot. Not that any of this mattered.
"Don't call me that. I'm not your Professor." He said and she looked to the side, to the books, to the fireplace. Anywhere but at him. What was she meant to call him? She couldn't call him Remus. She wasn't his friend anymore. Or, maybe she never was.
"I don't know what to call you." She whispered, urging herself not to cry.
"Remus. You realise that's my name, right?" He asked and she winced. She hated it when people spoke to her like she was stupid and his tone now was teasing. He was taking the mick out of her.
"No." She said, so softly that it could have just been an exhale, but she hadn't covered it quite enough. Not for his ears and she knew that when he responded.
"No? You didn't realise that's my name?" He asked and she clenched her jaw tightly together tightly together. Why was he doing this? Had he not had enough of making her feel shitty this visit? Her upset was slowly morphing itself into anger now.
"You needn't talk to me like I'm stupid." She said, somewhat bravely in her opinion. She knew he didn't like her but that was no reason to just be outright mean to her.
"I'm not." He said simply and she laughed, shaking her head and looking down. It was probably rude to laugh at him, but she just couldn't help it.
"You are."
"Hermione, can we talk please? I don't think you're stupid. Not even slightly. And I'd like to understand why you think I do?" he asked, crossing to the centre of the room and she moved quickly back, until her legs bumped against the desk and she had no where else to go. He stopped his progress but she could already feel the sting of tears. God, how much more was she capable of producing? Surely she had cried as much as was possible?!
"Are... Are you scared of me?" he whispered and she bit her lip hard. Was she? Probably. She was terrified he would say something hurtful again. She could feel something in her that felt alien, like a disappointment, a worry that didn't seem to belong to her. She hated these weird feelings she got that seemed disconnected to her but try as she might, she couldn't quite explain them to anyone. Maybe it was normal but a part of her felt like it couldn't be. Like these emotions belonged to someone else.
"I'm scared of what you might say. I don't... Don't want to..." she trailed off, tears finally falling and she felt so incredibly stupid in that moment, crying in front of him, unable to voice what she felt. That she could take a verbal battering, but not from him. Not so soon, at least.
"Please, please can we talk?" he asked, pushing and unrelenting and so she broke.
"Fine. You do think I'm stupid. You talk to me like I am. You treat me like I am. It's very clear you don't want me near you and that you don't like me. That I'm a mere annoyance. I don't know, maybe you hate me but... Your behaviour tells me your feelings, the things you say have been loud and clear. I don't need it spelling out. I can connect the fucking dots." She said, her voice stronger than it had been this entire time and she didn't even regret swearing at him. She should have, but she didn't. It felt cathartic to release these words.
"N... No... I-"
"And I'm scared that you might say something really... H... Hurtful again. And I don't think I deserve that. Not really. Not even if I do annoy you, not even if you don't like me, you shouldn't automatically get the... The right to be mean to me. It's not fair and I'm frightened that... That this time you'll... You'll say something worse." she said, now on a roll, despite her few stutters.
"Hermione. Look at me." He said and she steadfastly kept her gaze on the rug, defying him. Why should she look at him? She didn't need to see his disappointment in her, she felt it heavy in the room.
"I don't want to use your name. That moniker is reserved for your friends. Not for me. If you don't want me to call you Professor anymore then that's fine, too. I don't imagine we will speak much going forward anyway." She shrugged, ignoring his request and powering through the last of her thoughts. There. She had done it.
"You don't think we are friends? You think... you think I don't like you? You really think that I... That I hate you?" He whispered and she actually laughed again. Think? She knew all of that was true. How could he even insinuate otherwise?
"No, I don't think we are friends. I think Sirius is your friend, some of the Order are, Harry is. But not me. And I don't think you don't like me, I know you don't. You're kind and caring to everyone... but... but not me. So maybe that's evidence enough that it's stronger than a mere dislike. That you actively say things to hurt me is evidence." She said because it was true. He had never spoken to Harry the way he spoke to her. He was so lovely to everyone and that was part of the reason she liked him so much. She frowned at her own traitorous thoughts, now was certainly not the time to be thinking about what was attractive about him. He had shown her this visit just how unattractive he could be.
"I don't hate you. Don't ever, ever think that. And... We are friends. At least I hope we are. I... I know I've been a little off but-"
"Why are you forcing yourself to do this? You needn't. You aren't the first person to decide I'm not worthy of friendship, or that you don't like the... the way I... I look... or that I'm too annoying to be around for long. It's fine. You needn't assuage your guilt through this painful conversation, there's nothing to feel guilty about." She said, cutting over him. He really didn't need to try and patch things over with her. She could always just not come here again, there was no reason for her to see him again, really. That thought cut deep and she realised she was crying anyway, so what was a few more tears while she mourned the loss of this friendship.
"You're wrong. I... I like you and... You... you aren't... of course you're fucking worthy... what... we are friends." He said, stuttering and she realised how utterly uncomfortable she was making him. She sighed deeply and then walked around him, careful to put as much distance between herself and him as she could.
"Hermione, stop. You cannot leave this room, this house, feeling like you do now. I won't have it." He said, his voice stern and it made her wince a little. She took a deep, shaky breath.
"You really don't have much say in the matter, Mr. Lupin." She said and then she left the room, taking a few more deep breaths as she entered her own. She was utterly exhausted by this visit and fell to sleep quickly, her dreams full of a smirking Remus Lupin, looking at her like she was worthless, telling her she was pathetic.
The next morning, they were finally due to leave for Hogwarts. It was such a welcome relief for Hermione, but she was careful during that time to stick to her plan and avoid where she knew Remus would be. He could relax soon, once she was gone and then she could get back to school and try to forget he existed. Try to forget this awful few days. They were finally saying goodbye and she gave Sirius a hug, thanking him for his generosity. He had whispered in her ear that he hoped she was ok and she had given him a short nod. She wasn't, but it wasn't anything Sirius could help with. No one could help.
"Don't forget to say goodbye to Remus, dear." Molly had said and she froze. Say goodbye to him? Maybe she should. It would signify the end of this friendship and it would be closure but the small, terrible voice in her head that told her she loved him didn't want her to. Because if she said goodbye, if she turned to face him now, she would break. But Molly was staring at her, a frown forming on her face and so she turned in his direction, her eyes settling on his chest.
"Yes, sorry, I..." whatever she was about to say died in her throat and she looked desperately away. Nope. Couldn't do it.
"Ahh we already said goodbye, didn't we?" He asked and she nodded, relief flooding her face but eyes still firmly cast away. Finally, it was time to go. She took a deep breath and made to leave but was stopped by a tugging on her cloak. She turned around to see Remus, his eyes a little desperate and she looked away again. What was he doing?
"I'll write. OK?" He whispered and she fumbled for words, glancing to the door and back to his chest.
"You needn't. It's fine." She whispered back. She didn't particularly want any letters from him, regardless if they were the fake niceness he had tried to display last night, or the cuttingly honest words from the other night. Neither were wanted and certainly not needed.
"It's not fucking fine, Hermione. I'm sorry and I don't have anywhere near enough time to tell you that properly so a letter will have to do." He said, and she watched as Molly came back to usher Harry away from Sirius. She would be next. Hermione sighed and then shrugged. Whatever. She could just not open the letters, anyway.
"Ok." Was all she said.
"Ok?" He asked and she raised one shoulder. She just wanted to go and if saying ok would get him to let her, then fine.
"Will... Will you call me Remus? Please?" He asked quietly and the last strand of her heart broke. Remus wasn't her friend.
"I can't." She said, pulling her cloak out of his grasp.
"Goodbye, Mr. Lupin." She whispered, wiping away yet more tears and finally leaving Grimmauld Place.