The Movie Peril of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Derald Snyder
"Another movie?!"
To say that Kyon, lowly grunt and founding member of the SOS Brigade, was shocked was a huge understatement.
"That's right!" affirmed Haruhi Suzumiya, SOS Brigade Chief. "I thought we'd do a sequel to The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina!"
"Ehhhh?" Mikuru, SOS Brigade mascot, dressed in her usual maid outfit, nearly dropped her tea kettle out of shock from the announcement.
Kyon glared at Haruhi. "You can not be serious. You, of all people, should remember the problems we had last time."
At this point, Itsuki Koizumi, SOS Brigade Deputy Chief, spoke up. "As much as I hate to say this, Suzumiya-san, I must concur with him on this. What exactly is your purpose in proposing this?"
Haruhi looked miffed a for a brief moment, but quickly regained her composure. "Well, looking back, it's clear we weren't nearly as close-knit back then as we are nowadays, 20-20 hindsight and all that. I figured now that we've become more of a real nakama, we could film an even better movie than the first one!"
"Yare yare," Kyon sighed. "I don't like this idea one bit…"
"Don't worry, Kyon," Haruhi said without skipping a beat. "There's not going to be any eye beams or razor cutters or even any color-changing eye contacts this time. We'll just say Yuki the evil alien magician took them away or something."
Yuki Nagato, resident bookworm of the SOS Brigade, glanced up briefly at the mention of her name, before returning to reading her hardcover.
Kyon still didn't look convinced. "So, is this your typical revenge plot or something? I thought you didn't like those kind of cliches…"
Haruhi shook her head. "It's not *just* a revenge plot, Kyon. You see, Mikuru-chan's new assignment from her superiors in the future, is to protect these two people who are vital to bringing said future about. Something bad happens to them, it could cause a time paradox that might wipe even Mikuru herself from existence."
Mikuru shuddered. "I d-don't like the sound of that…"
"Well, it's not like you're going to be alone, Mikuru-chan," Haruhi countered. "After all, your character's love interest, Koizumi the esper, is going to be helping you out too!"
"Ah, so I am reprising my old role as well?" Koizumi chuckled.
"And are we also reprising the old love triangle subplot as well?" Kyon snarked.
"Nah, we'll just say Yuki's alien superiors, eh, 'deleted' her attraction for Koizumi, cause they see emotion as weakness."
Yuki looked up at this, and promptly put in her two cents, "Emotion is not weakness, however, if said emotion is not handled properly, it can lead to commission of errors that would not have been made under normal circumstances."
Kyon shifted his gaze to Yuki, an unreadable expression on his face.
"Indeed," Koizumi supplemented, "Both literature and history contain many examples of raw emotion leading to great tragedy, however, without emotions, we would be no better than machines."
"Ugh, you guys, I'm not saying *I* believe emotion is weakness here!" Haruhi protested. "Look, I'm just saying, when Esper Koizumi sees that Alien Magician Yuki isn't attracted to him anymore, that's when he realizes things are deadly serious this time."
"I did not mean to imply you believed that," Yuki attempted to calm Haruhi, "I was merely stating a personal opinion."
"Anyway," Kyon cut in, "getting back to the movie…?"
"Right, the movie…" Haruhi turned to Kyon. "Since Mikuru's going to be stripped of her powers, she has to rely on her wits instead to protect her charges from Yuki. I've even got a tagline: 'Sometimes, you don't need powers to be a hero.'"
(I never thought I would hear *those* words come out of her mouth,) Kyon thought to himself. "So who's playing the two people that need protection? Me and you?"
Haruhi made a face. "Yes me, not you, you're the cameraman, like last time."
Kyon rolled his eyes. "Of course. So who's the other one then?"
The brigade chief grinned. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Sure things, Haru-nyan! I'd be mega happy to help out with another movie, nyoro~!"
Tsuruya, Mikuru's friend and honorary consultant to the brigade, was grinning from ear to ear as Haruhi gave a basic overview of the plot. "So I'm one of the important people that's gotta be rescueds from evil alien Nagato-chi?"
"Exactly," Haruhi nodded. "You'll play the one that believes Mikuru-chan right away when she tells you she's a time-traveler. I'll be playing the role of the skeptic, the one who dismisses her as some silly girl playing games."
"Wait, YOU'RE playing the skeptic?" Kyon interrupts.
Haruhi turned to face him. "Well, come on Kyon, can you honestly see *Tsuruya* playing as the skeptic?"
He had to admit, she had a point, especially since Mikuru and Tsuruya were best friends in real life. "But still, do you think *you* can play a good skeptic, Haruhi?"
Haruhi grinned. "Of course! I've got you as an example to learn from, after all!"
"Ooooh, mega burn, Haru-nyan!" Tsuruya promptly burst into one of her signature fits of hyena-like laughter, pointing at Kyon as he ducked his head and blushed crimson…
"Yep… walked right into that one…"
Not long after that, Kyon's casual friends Kunikida and Taniguchi were recruited as "prop-movers", and production of the movie (cleverly titled 'The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina: Episode NEXT') began in earnest…
Over the next few days, costumes were put on, props were moved, scenes were shot, and though Haruhi put herself in charge of changing Mikuru's clothes (because according to Haruhi, she moved way too slow), that was as close to any potential abuse as it went…
The only mishap was when Kunikida was moving some props, but tripped and sent everything crashing down, narrowly missing Haruhi in the process. She took it in stride, however, even when she realized Kyon had filmed the incident…
"That's perfect!" she cried, "We can use it for the movie! We'll just add a couple of shots of Yuki-chan using her evil alien magic, and Mikuru-chan yelling at me to get out of the way! That's when my character starts to doubt her skepticism…"
"So how does it end?" questioned Kyon.
Haruhi shook her head, winked, and waggled her finger. "That… is a secret!"
Kyon sighed. He'd seen that anime before…
*Later...*
After filming was finished for the day, Koizumi took Kyon aside.
"Don't do anything too intimate, you two!" Haruhi called after them.
Kyon ducked his head as Koizumi replied, "I shall try my hardest not to, Suzumiya-san!"
Once they were out of earshot, Koizumi turned Kyon to face him.
"You remember what Haruhi said," Kyon pointed out, as he took a step back. "Don't give her any ideas…"
"Don't worry, this is all business, I assure you."
Kyon put his hands in his pockets. "OK… so what's up then?"
"Have you noticed anything… different?" Koizumi gestured. "About our surroundings, that is?"
Kyon scrunched his face. "No, I don't believe so…"
"Exactly," Koizumi smiled.
Kyon gave him a look. "If that's your idea of a joke, I don't get it."
"This is no joke," Koizumi shook his head. "Do you not remember what happened during the production of the movie last year? The alterations to the environment that Suzumiya-san affected?"
Kyon's head jerked up as Koizumi's point finally registered. "Oh, that… but that hasn't happened this time, has it? …That's a good thing, right?"
Koizumi nodded. "Right. Last time, Suzumiya-san effectively forced the environment to adapt to her vision of the movie. But now, she seems to be adapting the movie to accommodate the environment instead. It shows how much she's come to accept this world, instead of trying to force it to change. Not that she doesn't still wish to change the world, mind you…"
"But she's learned it's not a good idea to try and shove it down people's throats, so to speak?"
"Indeed. You have been a large factor in that change, I believe… In fact, I might go so far as to say, this movie may be a subconscious gesture by Suzumiya-san to show *you* how much she's taken your advice and admonishments to heart. Especially concerning Asahina-san…"
Kyon nodded. "Right… no color-changing contacts means no punching Asahina-san in the head to knock them out… and getting rid of the love triangle subplot means no getting her drunk, either…"
"Yes. It probably goes without saying that Suzumiya-san- and likely everyone else- do not wish for a repeat of… well, *that* incident…"
Kyon lowered his head. "I do regret what I nearly did- thanks for stopping me, by the way- but part of me still wonders if that might have been the only way to get it through that thick skull of hers…" Looking up again, he realizes that Yuki hasn't left yet, and seems to be waiting her turn to speak. "Is something wrong, Nagato-san?"
"Uncertain," she responded.
Koizumi looked over at her. "Has Suzumiya-san altered the environment in a way we haven't seen?"
"One anomaly has been detected," Yuki confirmed.
"Just one?" Kyon opined. "So where is it?"
Yuki turned to the nearby forest. "In the nearest clearing. A significant portion of the ground data has been corrupted."
Kyon looked confused for a moment. "Ground data? As in, the terra firma we're standing on?" Yuki nodded in response.
"Corrupted… how exactly?" Koizumi inquired.
"The ground has become moisturized to the point of saturation, taking on the properties of a non-Newtonian fluid," she explained.
"Meaning…?" Kyon prompted.
"It can no longer support an adult human's weight, unless they are moving at a sufficient pace."
Kyon blinked, before realization dawned on his face. "Wait, you mean that Haruhi created a *quicksand pit* in the forest?!"
Yuki gave a slight nod. "Yes."
"It's obvious she'll intend to use it for our movie," Koizumi mused.
"But why quicksand? Isn't that, like the cliche of cliches for every old-time movie? I thought Haruhi wouldn't use cliches like that…" Kyon pondered.
"Unless she intends to use it in a new and interesting way, in her eyes," Koizumi proposed. "At any rate, I will contact the Agency and have someone sent to keep an eye on that pit, to ensure no accidents ensue."
Kyon nodded in agreement. Tomorrow would definitely prove to be interesting. He only hoped Asahina wouldn't be an innocent victim again…
*The next day...*
Haruhi gasped for breath as she ran through the forest, dressed in a familiar brown-colored bunny suit, a look of terror on her face.
"This can't be real! This *can't* be happening!" she gasped. "Why is an alien trying to kill me?!"
"Haru-nyan!" called Tsuruya, dressed in a yellow bunny suit. "This ways!" Haruhi turned to follow her, as they continued to flee Yuki's wrath...
"Fleeing is futile," they heard her voice echo. "You will be erased from history, and my revenge will be complete…"
"Screw that!" Haruhi screamed behind her…
"LOOK OUT!" cried Tsuruya. Too late.
*Splutch!* Haruhi immediately plunged to her knees in brown muck. Tsuruya had managed to stop herself just in time, and could only look on in horror as her companion began to sink…
"Oh gross!" Haruhi tried to pull at her legs, to no avail, as she sank to her thighs. "Damn it! Tsuru-chan, do something!"
Tsuruya knelt at the edge, and tried to reach for her trapped companion… After a few misses, they managed to clasp hands, and Tsuruya began to pull…
Only to get shoved from behind, landing next to her friend, immediately sinking to her level…
"I told you fleeing was futile," Yuki stated from the edge of the pit.
"Oh noes! This is mega bad!" cried Tsuruya, as she attempted to squirm out, to no avail.
"No, you think?!" Haruhi shot back. "Oh, ew, it's going between my legs! Feels like it's trying to have its way with me…!"
"Is that line really appropriate for this movie?"
"CUT!" Haruhi shouted in anger. "Damn it, Kyon! Can't you keep your snark to yourself for once?!"
Kyon lowered the camera. "It was an honest question…"
"Haru-nyan's just playings up the fanservice, I think," Tsuruya commented. "Isn't thats why we're wearing the bunny suits? I mean, for reals?"
"Right, because no-one's ever done bunny suits in quicksand before…" Kyon muttered under his breath.
"See Kyon? You do get it! Now hurry up and start filming again! We're already up to our waists here… Probably have to splice in a shot of Yuki using alien magic to make us sink deeper… Anyway… ACTION!"
"You cannot escape," Yuki immediately got back into character, "You will both smother in quicksand, and disappear forever…"
"Noooooo!" cried Haruhi, as she and Tsuruya clung to each other, sinking ever deeper…
"Somebody help us!" screamed Tsuruya.
"LEAVE THEM ALONE!" Mikuru, dressed in her waitress uniform, abruptly burst out from the foliage, slamming into Yuki with a full-body tackle, sending her sprawling a few feet.
"Mikuru Asahina," Yuki grunted, as she picked herself up. "Even without your powers, you still manage to be an annoyance…"
"I…I won't let you hurt them!" Mikuru declared, her voice quivering slightly.
"About time you showed up!" said Haruhi, as the mud began to claim her rib cage.
"An annoyance, and nothing more," Yuki dusted herself off, before thrusting her hand forward. "Freeze program." Mikuru suddenly felt her muscles go completely rigid. Try as she might, she couldn't move! "Perhaps I should smother you in the quicksand with the others…"
"I think not," a confident male voice answered.
Yuki suddenly fell forward, as if struck by an energy blast. (The 'lens flare' effect would be added later.)
"Koizumi-kun!" Mikuru breathed in relief, feeling her body loosen up.
"Go help Suzumiya-san and Tsuruya-san," Koizumi instructed."I shall deal with Nagato-san."
"That is unlikely," Yuki stated as she stood to her feet again- only to recoil and fall down again. (Lens flare.)
While Koizumi and Yuki fought, Mikuru ran to the edge of the pit, and reached out for the two trapped girls.
"Grab Haru-nyan! She fell in firsts!" Tsuruya insisted, trying to push Haruhi closer. Mikuru managed to clasp hands with the brown-haired girl, and started trying to pull her out.
"Uuuuhhh… It's so tough… This quicksand is too thick…" Mikuru grunted.
"Don't… give up now!" Haruhi gritted her teeth.
"It is futile," Yuki stated, even as she struggled with Koizumi. "You are too deep to escape my quicksand now. Your fate is inevitable."
"SHUT UP already!" Haruhi screamed in frustration.
Unfortunately, as if to back up Yuki's assertion, the edge of the pit that Mikuru had braced her feet against suddenly collapsed.
"Noooooooo!" cried Mikuru as she herself plunged to her thighs in the mud.
"Asahina-san!" cried Koizumi, just before getting knocked away by Yuki.
Haruhi immediately released Mikuru's hands, grabbing her thighs instead to try and pull her out. Tsuruya tried to assist by pushing on Haruhi from behind. Thankfully, Mikuru managed to claw her way back onto terra firma, though the two bunny girls were now sunk to their breasts.
"Helping others without regard for your own peril, how typical of humans," Yuki mused. "It does not matter. Once you die, she will be erased from history as well."
"I will NOT let that happen!" yelled Koizumi as he abruptly grabbed Yuki in a full nelson from behind. "I should thank you, Nagato-san, for giving me this idea…" He then shouted something in an incomprehensible language…
"…aaaand CUT!" declared Haruhi. "All right, great work, everyone!"
Kyon lowered the camera. "Might I ask what just happened at the end there?"
Haruhi sighed in annoyance. "Didn't you read the script? Koizumi uses his esper powers to have himself and Yuki switch places with us!"
"EH?" gasped Mikuru. "But… but that means…"
"Yes," Yuki nodded. "We are the ones who will smother in the quicksand."
"*Before* you get all panicked, Mikuru-chan… this is as deep as the mudpit actually gets," Haruhi explained, bouncing up and down for effect. "We'll just have Koizumi and Yuki kneel, looking like they sink to their necks, then we'll splice in a shot of bubbles on the surface."
"Ah, so that's why you had Kyon bring his bicycle air pump," Koizumi nodded.
"B-but how are you going to get out?" Mikuru asked. "Maybe you should have asked Taniguchi-san and Kunikida-san to come today…"
"Nah, we don't need them," Haruhi responded. "Don't worry, I did my homework on this quicksand thing. You just need to lean back… slowly move your legs up…"
*Sh-ploop!* Haruhi's mud-covered leg popped up from the mire. "And voila! C'mon Tsuru-chan, you can do it too!"
"Okies!" Tsuruya agreed, laying back in the mud, spreading her arms for balance. Strain could be seen on her face as she tried to pull her legs up.
"Go slow," Haruhi instructed, "Give the mud time to flow around your limbs…"
"You sound as if you speak from experience," Kyon muttered.
Haruhi grinned. "Well, yeah, of course! I made sure to test this pit thoroughly, to make sure it would work for our movie!"
"Eh? All by yourself? Isn't that dangerous?" queried Mikuru.
"Ah, gots it!" Tsuruya grinned, as her leg finally came free, spattering mud everywhere.
"Well, there *was* this one guy there, who was trying to tell me how dangerous it could be," Haruhi reminisced. "I told him, if he was so worried, he could act as a spotter in case I got hopelessly stuck or something! He didn't exactly like the idea, but he went along with it."
(Oh, right… The guy from the Agency Koizumi had sent there,) Kyon thought to himself.
After a little more struggle, Tsuruya had her other leg free as well. "Phew… so, what nows?"
"Backstroke to solid ground. As long as you keep yourself spread out, you won't get stuck…" Haruhi was already making progress toward the edge of the pit. Tsuruya did her best to follow her fellow bunny girl's lead, and soon enough, they were both back on solid ground, panting with exertion.
"OK then!" declared the brigade chief, getting back to her feet. "Let's get things set up for the next shoot! Koizumi, Yuki, get in the mudpit!"
Yuki obediently strode toward the quicksand, while Koizumi followed somewhat reluctantly…
"And… ACTION!"
"What is this…?" Yuki blinked in confusion, now chest-deep in the mud, with Koizumi still clinging to her from behind.
"Huh-?" Haruhi and Tsuruya looked around in confusion. "We're free?"
Yuki looked down at the dark brown mud cradling her breasts. "This does not compute. How…?"
"Quite simple," answered Koizumi. "I used psychic suggestion to turn your own magic against you. Now WE are the ones who will smother…"
"WHAT?!" Mikuru screamed in shock.
"Unfortunate. An occurrence such as this was highly improbable, thus I did not factor it into my calculations," Yuki mused as she and the esper descended to shoulder-depth. "My revenge has failed…"
"Koizumi-kun!" Mikuru attempted to run into the quicksand pit, only to be held back by Haruhi and Tsuruya.
"Don't be stupid!" grunted Haruhi.
"There's nothings you can do for him now!" insisted Tsuruya.
Yuki looked straight at the trio. "It seems that I will at least have some measure of revenge, making you suffer the loss of your friend."
"Don't listen to her, Asahina-san," Koizumi said, remaining calm despite now being neck-deep. "Always treasure the time we had together, short though it was. Farewell…"
"Nooooooooo…!" wailed Mikuru, tears starting to stream down her cheeks.
"…and CUT!" stated Haruhi. "Nice job! Alright, you two, come on out of there so we can get a shot of the empty pit…"
The esper and alien stood back up to chest depth, mud cascading off their shoulders. Yuki perfectly emulated the method that Haruhi and Tsuruya had utilized to escape, while Koizumi struggled a bit, but eventually managed to follow suit. Kyon adjusted his position with the camera, before rolling tape once more…
Mikuru, Haruhi, and Tsuruya stared at the now calm surface of the quicksand, all of them sharing some measure of disbelief…
"Koizumi-kun… why…" Mikuru sobbed. "This wasn't supposed to happen…"
"Don't blame yourself… if anything, this is all my fault," Haruhi lamented. "If only… if only I'd believed you sooner, maybe this wouldn't have happened…"
"It's no-one's fault," Tsuruya spoke up. "Koizumi-kun made his choice, to make sure the future was saveds… we can't lets his sacrifice be in vain."
"Yeah…" Haruhi nodded. "You're right. We should work hard for a better future, to honor him…"
The two bunny girls pulled Mikuru to her feet. "You know…" she began, "I couldn't understand how you two were so essential to my future. But with what Suzumiya-san just said… maybe this was a pre-determined event from the beginning…"
"Screw that," Haruhi retorted. "This is my own decision. Nothing pre-determined about it! I don't think the future has to be *that* rigid…"
"Maybe…" Mikuru sighed.
Tsuruya shook her head. "C'mon, let's get out of heres and get cleaned up. I'll call a cab…" The three girls slowly walked out of the clearing together, though Mikuru couldn't help but look back at the mudpit one more time…
"Goodbye, Koizumi-kun…"
*Later...*
"And CUT!" Haruhi declared, watching the bubbles from the air pump pop on the surface. "That's a wrap!"
"About time," Kyon groaned, as he set the camera down. "My arms were starting to hurt lugging this thing around…"
"Wimp," Haruhi rolled her eyes.
"You know what's funnies, though?" Tsuruya ventured.
"What's that?"
"Out of all of us, only one didn't get muddy in some way, nyoro…"
"Well, of course not," Kyon responded, stretching a bit. "I'm the cameraman. If the camera got muddy, it might have ruined the tape or memory card or whatever."
"You're not holding it nows…" Tsuruya pointed out.
"Ooooh," Haruhi grinned mischievously. "Tsuru-chan, are you thinking what I'm thinking…?"
Kyon's eyes went wide with horror. "Oh HELL no!" he screamed, turning and running off, Haruhi and Tsuruya giving chase… Sadly for him, the two girls were far more athletic, and easily caught up and restrained him, dragging him back to the quicksand. "Let go! I don't want to get dirty!"
"Shut up Kyon! This is your penalty for nearly ruining that one take!"
"It's only fairs, Kyon-kun! On three, Haru-nyan?"
"OK! One…"
"Two.."
"THREE!"
"Auuuggghh!" *spludge!* Kyon immediately plunged to his buttocks in the mire. His face was a mixture of anger and disgust as he thrashed around, sinking past his waist. "Not funny, you two!"
"He's rights," Tsuruya agreed. "So let's join him in theres and get him REALLY mega dirty, nyoro!"
"Good idea, Tsuru-chan!" Haruhi said, jumping in next to Kyon, Tsuruya following suit. Picking up globs of mud, she smeared Kyon over his face while Tsuruya restrained him.
"Pffthht! Two on one's not fair!" Kyon protested, spitting mud from his mouth. "Nagato-san, HELP!"
Yuki immediately obeyed, crawling into the pit alongside the others, before massaging more mud into Kyon's back.
"What the-? I said help me!" cried Kyon.
"I am helping," she responded. "It is said that mud is good for your skin complexion. Therefore, I shall assist Suzumiya-san and Tsuruya-san…"
"What kind of logic is that?!" Kyon groaned, as the three girls took turns restraining him and slathering him with mud…
"You should be thankful, Kyon! Most guys would *kill* to be in your position right now…!" Haruhi asserted...
*splut!* Haruhi was suddenly hit in the head with a glob of mud. Turning, she saw Mikuru kneeling at the edge, her hands muddy.
"Kyon-kun is right! It's not fair to gang up on him like that!" Mikuru grabbed another double handful of muck at heaved it at Haruhi, most of it splattering over her chest.
"Oh, so *that's* how you want to play it, Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi grinned evilly. Mikuru's eyes went wide, her courage vanishing immediately as she tried to scramble away. Haruhi managed to catch her ankle, gripping it firmly in spite of the slippery mud, before pulling her back…
"Noooooo!" Mikuru screamed as she was dragged into the chest-deep area of the pit, sinking to her breasts in the soft slime…
"Assaulting the brigade chief is a penalty!" Haruhi grabbed two more handfuls of mud and slimed them over Mikuru's shoulders. The brigade mascot cried out in disgust, before grabbing a glob of mud and throwing it in Haruhi's direction. Haruhi simply tilted her head, the mud whizzing by harmlessly, before grabbing another couple of globs of muck and massaging them into Mikuru's hair…
"Nyahahaha, this is mega fun!" Tsuruya declared, as she and Yuki continued to try and smear more mud over Kyon who was doing his best to resist, haphazardly tossing mud at his two tormentors. "Koizumi-kun, you should joins us!"
Koizumi's eyes went wide, before waving Tsuruya off. "I'm afraid I must politely decline…"
"At least this isn't being filmed…" muttered Kyon. Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted saying that…
"Heeeey, good idea! Hey, Koizumi! Get the camera and start shooting! We're gonna give a big thank-you to the audience!" Haruhi ordered, before pulling Mikuru over to the others…
Koizumi did as instructed, pointing the camera at the gathered muddy group, Haruhi and Tsuruya on either side of Kyon, Yuki in front and slightly to the side, Mikuru on the other side of Haruhi….
"OK everyone! On three! 1, 2, 3…!"
"THANKS FOR WATCHING OUR MOVIE!" The four girls yelled as one. (Actually, Yuki simply raised her voice a few octaves.)
"Yare yare…" sighed Kyon.
~*Fin*~