"They asked me what coach I was in. I sighed and told them the truth. "I'm in a special coach, girls, heading straight for death," ― Alexander Solzhenitsyn
I dangle my legs over my bed as I reach for the altoid tin beside me. I pop one red circular gummy into my mouth and chew. The taste is much better than smoking. I can easily see why people prefer edibles.
It'll hit me in thirty minutes or so. I remember the guy's words to not take too many at once. Even just a few milligrams will 'put you on your ass for your size.' A big high isn't necessary anyway, just enough to blur the edges of the damning hallucination of Edward Cullen.
"Bella, stop," it says to me.
"No," I sometimes answer. Sometimes I don't say anything at all.
He keeps looking at me with his heartbroken, shimmering face. I want to curse him out, tell him I'm the one suffering, but I can't. Deep inside me, his form gives me comfort. Even if it's ultimately not real.
"You're better than this, Bella."
I'm really not.
"I still love you," it whispers to me at night. The cracks inside me splinter further.
"No, I still love you. You left me."
He never answers that. He must know he has nothing left to say.
"You said you didn't want me," I cry. I feel the rivers of tears fall down my cheeks as I hold my pillow to my chest, waiting for relief to hit me. It never comes fast enough.
Edward whispers to me, so close I can nearly feel his lips on my ear, "Do you want me to leave?"
"No, no!" I cry more. "Please don't leave me again."
He doesn't. He can't. Not when his purpose is reduced to shaming me for my actions. That's all he's left of himself. A cloud of guilt.
Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore of it.
Then there's Sam Uley, who looks at me with his own brand of disappointment. I don't really know who he is. But I know the truth: he can see me for the wreck that I am. He's right, of course, to try to kick me off the reservation, to not 'corrupt the youth.' But I need somewhere to go, I do. I can't stay in my room while Edward tells me of the failures I already carry.
I don't feel pride in tricking Sam, even though he found out about it both times. It feels shameful, like I'm an addict in the making. I remember watching documentaries about heroin usage with Renee, or rather I watched while she flipped through a magazine on our couch. These were the days before Phil occupied her time. I thought I resolved to never do anything like that. Who am I now?
"You're still my Bella," Edward replies.
Please, please. Stop.
The first sensation I feel is light sensitivity. The lights above my bed flicker on and off. Have they done this before? It's so bright I can't see the cord between them anymore. I squint and squint but find nothing.
They turn into orbs of blinding light. I put my hand over my eyes to protect them, but it's no use. I can hardly look away. Some move forward in space and some move back. Then they alternate positions. Are there UFOs in my room? Little fairy lights? I stare until my mind goes numb.
Somehow I keep remembering that my mind is numb and for a fraction of a second, I'm pulled back into reality. The openness of my room scares me so I close my eyes and sink back into myself. Then I wonder what is going on around me and I open my eyes again.
This repeats. And repeats. And repeats.
I think there's a glass of water by my bed. I resolve to drink some. But the overwhelming task of sitting up and reaching for it and holding it and tilting it upwards is too much. So much. I don't know if I can handle this.
I spill the glass of water all over myself before I realize what I'm doing. My throat is still burning with need.
Blinking becomes much slower. Have I felt my eyelashes on my skin like this before? It's amazing, feeling every little thing. This must be what being a vampire is like.
Yes.
I'm a vampire at this moment. I laugh to myself. Take that Edward. I am high and mighty and better than everyone else. I can run through walls and trees. I'm bulletproof.
I can totally see myself running through the woods at super speed. How could I not? Vampires must think everything around them is so slow. Oh god, have I been slow all this time? So weird...I feel slow now actually. I laugh more. What a conundrum!
Wow, the sheets are so soft. I can't believe I never felt them before. He must have felt them when he sat here watching me sleep. Did he think about this and not tell me the whole time? That's so mean. His skin was sort of soft, I remember. Cold and sturdy, but running my fingers down his arms didn't feel rigid.
The edges of my sight are beginning to darken. I'm getting a bit scared. How long has this gone on? I don't feel like I can move much anymore.
I think I hear his watery voice call out to me, but I can discern the words.
I miss you, Edward. I laugh and cry at that.
The blackness swallows me.
When I wake up I feel dehydrated. Even my eyes feel like they're lacking moisture. I rub them until they're sore and feel halfway close to bleeding. I wonder how noticeable my high is, or rather the low now. But Charlie wouldn't assume that is what I've been doing for the first couple times, hopefully.
"You should not have done that," Edward scolds.
I roll my eyes at him, "Can't you say anything nice for once?"
His form continues to flicker in and out of existence. He can't even be clear with his image.
I sit up on my bed, suddenly feeling a renewed sense of determination and urgency, "We should work something out if you're going to stay here. Like be nice to each other for real. Don't you want that?"
Edward doesn't answer so I push myself off my bed and sprint to his position. I try desperately to grab onto his hand, but my own just cuts through the air rather pathetically. We both look down at the area. The mist that composes him swirls and dissipates.
"Right," I moan. "You're not real."
I run my fingers through the hair at my scalp and pace around the room. The floorboards creak underneath the pressure. My teeth clench together and I feel like I'm close to screaming. I will scream, I will. I'm going to yell until my lungs collapse and nothing is left…
"Bells?" Charlie knocks on the door. "You almost ready?"
I pause.
"Ready for what?" I open the door to look at him. He's dressed in casual clothing that looks to be decently washed. I internally cringe at the reminder that I haven't been doing laundry for us both as of late. Or cooking. Or anything still.
He sighs, "We're having pasta dinner at Billy's tonight. If you don't feel up to coming, that's fine. You do look like you've been crying."
I shake my head, "No, no, I'm fine."
Charlie raises his eyebrows and tilts his head at me. For a second I picture him finding out. Fear gathers in the pit of my stomach at how he might react. Send me back to Jacksonville without question, probably. Shit. I need to be more careful. I can't underestimate him.
"Really," I add.
"Alright, well, get ready in about ten minutes; don't want to be late."
He goes to close the door again for me, but pauses at the last second, "Jake will be looking forward to seeing you, you know."
Uncontrollably, my stomach sours a bit at the thought. I'm not up for Billy and Charlie's continued scheming to get me to date Jacob. Not when someone else still rules my mind.
I look behind my shoulder hoping to find Edward there and ready to support me, but there's nothing.
Nothing. That's what the real Edward Cullen left me with. No pictures I still tear my room up to wishfully find. No calls, no emails. Only vivid memories that slice me open when I'm too desperate for a reminder to care. Nothing but that pain, really.
I blink back the tears.
Charlie and I don't talk on the quick drive over. I ensured my appearance doesn't give away anything too suspicious, but I remember it'll hardly matter when everyone there knows my story. The anticipation of pity only frazzles my nerves further.
We close the car doors to his police cruiser and I wince upon realizing our car stands out amongst the rows of vehicles lined up outside. I find myself filled with the urge to fight in on the reservation. The thought of Sam Uley finding me a disgraced outsider leaves a sour impression in my mouth. I don't want others thinking the same.
"Bella!" Billy wheels himself out on his porch to greet us. "Gosh, you look even thinner than when I saw you last, kid. You sure your dad is feeding you?"
Normally I might crack I smile at that, but I form a thin line with my lips instead and look back up at Charlie. He rolls his eyes at Billy and barely acknowledges my own shame in the situation.
"You know my cooking ain't up to snuff, Black."
Billy laughs, "I do. Lucky we have Sue here preparing dinner for everyone. Come on, Bella. There's other kids your age you might like to meet."
We're about half a step inside when Jacob barrels down the entrance to wrap me in a tight hug. My feet are lifted off the ground for a second and my lungs lose a considerable amount of air. I just pat him on the back a few times as a response. When he sets me down he gives me the happiest smile I've seen in months and I can't help that my heart lurches at it. He's always been so optimistic and kind. So utterly undeserved to a person like me.
"I've missed you!" Jake laughs.
I look up at him and really notice his size. He seems to have grown another foot in time I last saw him. Since my birthday.
My skin grows cold at the thought, "Yeah, me too. Are you like on steroids or something?"
He just laughs more, "'Of course not. I just eat and work on cars for muscles. Hey, I've got some friends here tonight, actually. You'll love them."
Jake drags me to his couch where three teenage guys sit squished and battling over the remote. I vaguely pick up that the debate is over another sports game or a race car championship. They do look up at me and smile when I'm shoved in front of them at least.
"Embry and Quil are in my grade level. Little Seth here is just fourteen." Jacob rubs Seth's hair on the top of his head while the young kid lurches back and tries to fight him off.
Seth smooths his hair back down and gives me a grin, "Hi, Bella."
"Hey," I say.
I become instantly envious of all their long, black hair. The thickness and shine reminds me of the quality silk Renee would sometimes fawn over. Neither Charlie nor I possess any genes to rival what naturally occurs in the families here.
"Yo, it's Bella!" Embry laughs. "The girl you can't shut up about!"
Jake's cheeks turn red and he quickly hits Embry on the shoulder, "Quit it, man." He makes his warning apparent by pushing the words through clenched teeth but neither of the three take it seriously.
"It's true though," Quil says back. He looks up at me and gives me a nod of acknowledgement.
My shoulders are grabbed by Jake and spun around until I see a young woman sitting on a chair alone with her legs crossed. She's focusing only on the cellphone in her hands. Her right foot on the ground taps incessantly and shakes her whole body. Like everyone else, her face is beautiful and long hair frames her head and shoulders.
"And that's Leah. Seth's older sister. Way older and lamer than us. She probably won't talk the whole night," Jake chuckles.
Hearing her name, Leah looks up and rolls her eyes at the both of us. She doesn't spend a single second really looking at me, which I suddenly become thankful for. The less contact the better.
"Seth and Leah's mom is in the kitchen finishing up dinner. And their dad is probably outside with my old man and yours now, doing whatever it is old men do."
I can't help that I actually laugh for a bit at that. When I meet Jacob's eyes they're shining, despite the dark, sultry color. Some things, I hope, can prevail despite outward characteristics telling of another route. Not me though, I'm still doomed.
"Probably just talking about fishing or something," I grin for a second anyway.
An older woman walks out of the kitchen, rubbing her hands on her apron and then giving me a huge smile. Her hair is tied in a ponytail in the same way I did when I cooked to prevent mess from spreading over me.
"Don't I know it," she laughs. "Hi there, Bella. It's been so long since I've seen you! You probably don't remember me at all."
She envelops me in a warm hug, not unlike the one Jake gave me moments ago, though without the same teenage intensity. I find my arms wrapping around her briefly. I can feel her kindness radiate throughout me and like everything else before, I am not good enough to receive it.
I pull away from her and give a tight smile, "I think I actually do remember Harry? He might have stopped me from getting my fingers caught in fishing wire."
"'Course you remember that!" a tall Native man enters the house with Billy and Charlie following behind. "I was a lifesaver to you, Bella. You wouldn't stop crying for an hour after, still thinking your thumb was gonna turn blue and fall off!"
"Definitely saved me from Renee's wrath," Charlie mumbles and scratches the back of his head.
"Well, Sue, it sure smells good in here," Billy compliments.
"Lucky for you all, you get two options for dinner tonight," Sue smirks.
Jacob's eyes go wide and hungry, "There's different pastas?"
"Yep," she nods. "You can choose between regular spaghetti or cheesy penne."
The three boys on the couch all jump up and rush to sit around the table. Embry's voice cuts strongest through the chatter, "Like I could choose! I swear adults forget how hungry we actually get!"
I sit between my dad and Jacob. He gives me another wide smile and eye roll at his friends' antics. Sue swats their hands away from the giant tubs of pasta on the table. She rolls up the foil coverings and sticks giant serving spoons inside. Even though I honestly know how much work goes into making a large meal like this, my stomach shrivels at the thought of eating a lot. There's even garlic bread and a bowl of caesar salad.
"You should let our special guest serve herself first," Sue winks at me.
"Me?" I exclaim. "No, really, you shouldn't treat me any different."
"Come on, Bells," Jacob elbows me lightly. "It's been years since you've really been here. I think that calls for a celebration and special treatment at least."
My cheeks burn. I can only imagine how red I look. I brush my hair out of my face awkwardly as I decide what to say next.
"I guess I'll start with salad first then."
Sue happily hands me the crystal bowl equipped with equally fancy serving utensils. I hope she hasn't taken out her best china just for this occasion. She pivots to help Billy next, who is less able to reach across the table easily. I feel a twinge of sympathy for the man and his bad health. Not my story to ask about though.
"You better help yourself to some pasta quickly or those kids will take everything before you know it," Harry adds. "Even Leah is eating a lot these days. Didn't think growth spurts happen to girls over twenty."
"Dad!" she hisses. Then another eye roll. I feel the corner of my mouth tugging upwards at that.
The conversation flows easily between the people who've spent decades of their lives with each other. Even Charlie contributes without awkwardness as his closest friends sit nearby. Whenever someone asks me anything, typically about school, I keep the answer curt but moderately friendly. No one seems to complain about that. Jake does keep giving me side glances that I try and fail to ignore. My response to them is a small, distant smile.
Regardless, the passion and comfort between everyone here reminds me of the Cullens. Though obviously less enthused, they each knew each other substantially and perfected the ways of subtly testing each other's limits. I find myself missing Emmett and Jasper's constant betting. Even Rosalie's exasperated huffs.
I'm taken out of remembering by hearing Embry slam his fists down on the table. Hard.
"Absolutely not!" he shouts at the top of his lungs. It's honestly a bit frightening. Watching the shocked looks on everyone else's faces tells me I'm not the only one with that opinion. "I can't believe you would even think that," he hisses through his teeth with more venom than I've heard in ages. Maybe since dealing with James actually who had actual venom in his teeth.
The whole room goes silent.
He seems to recognize his outburst then. "I'm―I'm sorry." Embry hangs his head in shame and I draw a parallel between my own angry snaps at the people around me. Shame floods my body too. Though weed has certainly helped me, I'm not about to offer any to a sixteen-year-old.
I'm not even sure what they were arguing about, maybe something related to baseball teams? After some uncomfortable minutes of quiet conversation, the ruckus picks up again and I'm thankful for it. Sue decides to ease the tension further by serving dessert. A chocolate sheet cake.
A strange feeling comes over me, almost a scratching at the back of my night. I'm decidedly no longer hungry.
"Actually if you don't mind, I'd like to get some fresh air right now," I say as Sue gestures to hand me a slice.
Her lips form into an 'o' and she slowly withdraws her offer. I flinch at the noticeable disrespect I've just given. She's the last person here who deserves it. I'm about to change my mind and take back the cake when someone else speaks.
"That's fine, Bella. The porch is open," Billy says as he looks sideways at Harry. I take it they've talked plenty about how much of a mess I am.
I stand up and thank them with another tight smile. Both Charlie and Jake look at me with worried eyes and I almost sigh with the need to speak on my own well-being. Though I probably do deserve the moddle-coddling, it's still annoying,
"I'm fine, honestly. Don't worry."
The push through the cabin-like door marking the Black house immediately lifts a weight from my shoulders. The smell of the forest at night calms my frazzled nerves further. I move away from any windows and rest my back against a wooden wall. The stars twinkle and the leaves crunch in the winds. Somehow, the reservation is always more beautiful than Forks. I never contemplate why.
The budding urge to get high again still hits me. I try to shake my head to get out of it. No use. The need to relax desperately overtakes me. I fumble through my jacket pocket looking for a hit, something, anything. There's the pack of cigarettes I never finished in here. I pull out a single one and rub it between my fingers. I don't have a lighter anyway. The burn persists in the back of my throat.
A strange sound reaches me. Branches crackle underneath someone's feet. I squint out at the darkness looking for the source. It makes itself apparent soon enough.
The large body of Sam Uley pushes through the foliage. The moonlight reflects on his dark red skin. Almost...almost like a vampire in the sunlight...but entirely reserved...
"What are you doing here?" I ask. My voice is sharp, but I try to keep it unbothered.
He stays silent for a moment and then looks at the object in my hand. I hurriedly shove the cigarette back into my coat pocket and scowl at him.
"I hope you're not intending to use that here," Sam says monotonously.
I roll my eyes, "Of course not. My dad is inside."
We stare at each other in silence. The intensity of his gaze feels like he is asking me to be set on fire. I know very well how little he must think of me. And the incident where I hallucinated him accidentally stabbing his hand doesn't add to that opinion. I look away from his eyes and watch the forest floor. He doesn't seem to ever waver from staring me down, however. Anger begins to boil up inside me.
"You need to stay away from all drugs, Bella," he finally speaks again.
The thread holding me together snaps, "Or what? I already agreed to keep it off your land, what more do you want?"
"For you to be healthy," Sam says without a moment's thought. The honesty of his statement hits me off guard.
I groan, "That's not your business."
He breaks away from looking at me and settles his gaze to look deep within the forest as if he can see without any light shining on the area. Unsettling.
"And you shouldn't be out here alone. There are too many dangerous things in the woods."
I straighten myself and push off from the wall I'm leaning on, "Like what?"
Sam doesn't answer. I turn to see the door open and Jacob coming outside. When I look back at Sam's spot, he's gone. I shudder at the cold wind blowing through the area and wrap my arms around myself. Jake makes his way over to me and rests a hand on my shoulder. I fight the urge to knock him off.
"You doing okay, Bells?"
I nod, "Yeah. Totally."
We head back inside to finish the night. The shivers from my conversation with Sam never entirely leave me. I fight the instinct to imagine what dangers lurk outside. Not long ago I would have only just marked the red-eyed vampires on that list. Perhaps I should be adding the golden-eyed ones too.
When Charlie takes us home, I almost fall asleep with my head pressed against the window. He stirs me back to reality from a half-aware slumber when we reach the driveway.
"I hope you had some fun tonight, Bella," he says to me.
I nod without thinking much, "Definitely."
Maybe it's true. Some enjoyment exists buried underneath all the ongoing pain. I still dream of holding Edward's cold hand while he murmurs sweet-nothings to me as I drift off. I miss his kindness, his insistence upon being an early twentieth-century gentleman. The hallucination never gives me that same grace. But I won't argue that I'm ever deserving of it. I was left for a reason, after all. Unwanted. Most certainly never needed.
Yet, I'm too tired to let my eyes water anymore. The silence of midnight consumes me.
I keep dreaming of a pair of tortured eyes.
I still get high every day. The lack of an obvious scent from edibles is a really useful characteristic. I'm careful to use when Charlie is gone and I'm not at school. Nighttime is the best option currently. No one comments that I look tired or worn out. Probably because I already looked this way for a couple of months. That is useful too. Maybe too useful. The only person that does care I'm doing anything to myself is Sam, somehow. A rather strange thought. And the vision of Edward, of course.
"You won't recover from this," he warns.
"Stop it."
"You're an addict."
I laugh, "Hardly. I've just started."
"I don't like this version of you."
"Did you ever like me?" My voice is small. Weak like an abandoned child.
No answer. "Goddamnit. I can't go on like this. We-" I gesture to the space between us "-need to work something out."
A deep breath.
"We'll return to the place where it started, okay? If you can't find it in you to be nice, then maybe it's time to really say goodbye." The thought crushes me. Internally, I beg for him to choose me over being right. But Edward, real or not, never much listened to what I had to say.
I stash the rest of the cigarettes I have and the crappy lighter I bought at the rex gas station into my orange backpack. Plus a couple bottles of water couldn't hurt. I was going to hike to the meadow. Surely he would remember our love here. Staring into each others' eyes while the sun revealed his beauty even further, it has been the greatest experience of my life so far. I can't imagine anything getting better than that without him coming back. Which he won't. So keeping his form in my mind, appeased and brilliant like he once was, is my only shot.
He sits in my truck while I drive to the closest place I can before walking the rest of the way. He says nothing. The march up to the meadow is the same.
My heart squeezes in my chest. I reach my hand out to feel the brittle weeds about to snap with the upcoming winter weather. But they're not harsh enough to cut through flesh so I stop touching them. The pain between my ribs grows worse. I hold both hands to my heart and breathe through my nose.
Edward stands all the way across the field, fuzzy and about to disappear with the next gust of wind. Yet I can still see the glow of his gold eyes. Beautiful. Unattainable.
Stay with me, I beg. I'm about to say something out loud when I hear it. Then I sense the presence of something unnatural behind me. I whip around.
Laurent.
I exhale through my nose. At least I know him. He was kind to us when James attacked.
"Laurent?" I say. "What are you doing here?"
He laughs, the sound of bells. Much more dazzling than any invocations of my name might conjure up.
"I'm here on a favor. Tell me, Isabella, where are the Cullens?"
In an instant he's twenty feet closer to me, bright red eyes staring at me like a prize. Oh. No. Edward's figure also approaches me, whispering down my neck. Lie.
"On vacation," the lie passes harshly through my lips. "But they'll be back soon."
Laurent is closer again. Only mere feet away. I steady myself and try not to shake in front of him. I can feel what he wants. I know it in my bones. Am I destined to die here, now?
Lie better.
"They visit all the time," I add. "They wouldn't be happy knowing you've found me out here."
He makes a tsking noise and reaches his fingers to tilt my chin upwards. Ice cold. I can't help the shivers that come. He must know I don't tell the truth.
"I don't believe you. In fact, it seems they've been gone for quite a while now. Unfortunate, since you smell just so mouthwatering."
I don't have anything to say to that. I'm breathing harshly. My bodyweight becomes unable to move at all.
"Please…" I beg.
Laurent laughs again and presses his nose close to my throat to inhale my scent. When he pulls back, his eyes are even wilder than before. I am going to die here, I'm certain of it.
"Oh, Bella, believe me, it is much better this way. Victoria is planning to kill you, slowly. A mate for a mate, you see. But this way, you die much quicker. Won't even feel it." Laurent's honey voice cements my feet to the ground and I lean back away from him as much as I can. It's not nearly far enough.
Didn't I want this? To just die?
No, no, not like this.
"No," I beg harder. "Please, don't."
He brushes my hair away from the right side of my neck. The wind battles against his movement but he's too strong and the hand on my head is rough and immobile. I can't escape his grasp.
I laugh bitterly and find Edward in the corner of my eye. He looks at me with nothing but pity. I wouldn't be in this position now if he changed me earlier. We could have been happy and free. Wild in the forest together. Are you happy now? I sneer at him in my mind. Maybe this is what you wanted all along.
I shake more.
"Hm, I would have thought you meant a great deal to them. Suppose not if they left you so unprotected. Not a very good pet, Isabella," he taunts. No, not good at all.
His intended final words for me are a sweet whisper, "Close your eyes. It will be over before you know it."
I close my eyes.
But death doesn't come. Instead, the sound of snarls and barking make their way into my eardrums. It's enough to wake me up to move a step back from Laurent's grasp. Just a moment, but not enough.
He turns around at the figures before I can blink. "I don't believe it!"
Three giant wolves emerge from the scenery. Bigger than any I've ever seen before. My knees buckle. They're here to kill me too, huh? Something about the scent of fear being attractive…
I'm nauseous and unsteady, but surprisingly, Laurent abandons his original goal with me and stands in a defensive position instead. It's enough of an invitation for the three wolves to run towards him. I freeze watching what is unfolding before me.
The solid black one is the first to reach Laurent, but with a flick of his arm, the wolf is shoved across the field without threatening the vampire at all. He scrambles back to his feet and bears his teeth as the other two grayer wolves run after Laurent into the woods.
The black wolf looks past the trees, but then turns to stare at me dead in the eye. Haunting, unhinged. A completely feral, animalistic look.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
It only lasts a moment, he's gone. All three wolves are gone and Laurent too. Any fight they're having taken elsewhere.
I look around for a few seconds, panicking and believing their return is imminent. Is it not? Have I gotten away with my life so easily? Edward is gone and offers me no explanation. What is happening here? The edges of my vision blur further. I can't live, I can't. I don't deserve to escape. They all believe I deserve to die, they must. Or else why would they have left me?
I empty the entire contents of my stomach onto the ground.
A/N: Yay, some plotty stuff happening! Also, feelings go grrrrrrr...Don't think I have much more to say lol