"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. " ― George Carlin
The contrast between feeling torn in half mentally but being in the best shape physically in months is not a welcome one.
I think of her. Her curves, her heat, the near-silent sounds coming from her lips. And all I want is more of that.
Every nerve in my body feels invigorated from our encounter. I hate it. I crave her, but the cosmic imprint feels satiated at the moment. I can run faster, tear through stronger hides, and command more seamlessly. But inside, inside I feel like death. Bella Swan does not want me. All of the power in the world can't make me feel better from that.
In the days after, I phased alone and took the longest shifts by myself. Jared, Paul, and Embry couldn't tell if I was being generous or secretly planning something. Maybe it was both. Or neither. I couldn't face them when my memories of her were too strong to hide from their minds.
It was also more than that. The threat pooling at the back of my neck would not leave. The long ventures into the woods surrounding the reservation still failed to pick up on anything. I knew something was still coming, however.
But the lack of proof wouldn't get me anywhere with the pack or the elders.
I know the smell of leech. I smelt it enough when I circled as close as possible to the Cullen house on my own. Since their absence, I hadn't thought of it much. Not even when the sole vampire entered our land to attack Bella. The smell stood out, but not as much as the immediate danger to her.
I think I smell it around every corner. It's a burnt, deathly kind of smell. A singe on each one of my nose hairs. When it comes moments before a leech, it's one of the signs that's too obvious to ignore. Now that I don't know if there are any more, however, the slightest hint of that odor causes me to spin around trying to find the source.
Honestly, I spend too much time chasing my own tail these days.
It's that or think too much about Bella Swan.
Rather easily, I resolve to not speak to her again unless absolutely necessary. There's a nagging voice in the back of my head that argues I'm only agreeing to this because I feel better for now. But I don't care. She needs something else than what I can offer her at the moment. Probably wants a whole host of things different from me.
Time passes with me oscillating between trying not to think of her and panicking that the smell of leech is right behind me. Of course, I end up breaking a little bit on one end.
The paranoia of an incoming vampire invasion gets to me. Jared, Paul, and Embry are miles away from being happy with the increased training regime I'm sticking them on. But it's necessary for the time being. We've got to prevent our muscles from atrophy out of sheer laziness, after all. Wolves weren't meant to just trot along in the forest and smell daisies.
They, naturally, don't agree. Not when my side of things involves pushing us to extremes we haven't gone before. But once again, our ability to bounce back surprises even me. Mentally, it's a different story. Paul and Embry question their skills the most, fighting me the hardest on difficult maneuvers before they even try. It causes me to theorize that Jared's contrasted success is tied to his ability to see Kim regularly. And that causes me to think of her.
Pain runs in circles, I've found.
And when I feel her come onto the land, the hope and dread that well up in my chest threaten to destroy me once again. I stare at my house door, at the phone, and the cracks on the goddamn walls to see if it's me she's trying to reach.
But I understand why it isn't, ultimately.
I do at least confirm she's not heading back to the gas station. The relief and annoyance of not getting to see her there cause me to yell at the kids one last time. But seeing them with their tails tucked between their legs as they scamper off provides me no relief. I try to focus on the fact that at least Bella isn't returning to smoke pot with them, but the next thought limits any internal celebration I have for that.
There's only one place else she's going.
I wait until it's the middle of the school day to head over to see the old man. As usual, he's preparing a fishing kit for a weekend getaway, likely with Bella's own father.
It's not that I need to hide my interest in her, per se, but I'd like to keep up the front that the imprint doesn't actually affect me all that much. Which would be a lot easier if Jared could keep his mouth glued shut about Kim. Regardless, as Alpha I know I'm not meant to be a lovestruck puppy all the time. Especially since my last encounter confirmed she does not feel anything like that to me.
Despite all of this, the feeling of her crossing into the land regularly needs to be confirmed for what it is.
"She's coming over often to see him," Billy Black tells me.
I nod.
"They're fixing up motorcycles to use," he adds.
My head jerks up at that.
"That doesn't sound particularly safe."
"Jake knows his way around the tools," the old man chuckles. "He fixed up her truck, you know."
But the burning inside me continues. I want to tell him it doesn't matter, that Bella could still get hurt. I know enough about the statistics of motorcycle accidents to argue against it decently. Then I remember my promise to myself: to stay away from her as much as possible. If I intervene here, she might not return to the rez regularly.
It's another one of those moments that strikes me as disgusting that we are both forced to be near each other for our physical well-being. I don't want to think any more of forcing her to do things or taking advantage of her impulses when she's confused. I should never have kissed her back.
"Let go of the table, son," Billy's voice echoes like it's a mile away though he still sits right next to me.
I look down and see my grip on his coffee table has been so tight my knuckles have become almost translucent. I release the edge and flex the muscles in my hand a few times, letting feeling come back to all the seized-up nerves. It stings but is hardly worth complaining about.
I swallow as I reach Billy's eyes again. He shakes his head at me.
"Does her father approve?" I question.
Billy shrugs, "He probably wouldn't. But that's her business, not mine."
I refrain from gripping the coffee table again.
"Just let them be kids while they can be."
It's not a bad sentiment if I'm honest. But Bella speeding down a highway on a motorcycle and being flung off-road is a hard image to rid my mind of. Worst of all, I imagine not getting there in time. Not even if I'm phased and running at 50 miles an hour. She slips through my fingers, once again.
Despite this train of thought, Billy's words register in the other part of my brain that has been taken up with my duties as a protector of the realm.
I cock an eyebrow at him and try to remain nonchalant, "You do believe the threat is close then?"
Billy sighs and folds his arms over the quilt thrown across him. "I do. But you're having a hell of a time convincing the others. The council has not been happy with your reports of running far past the boundary lines."
"Would they rather I keep dealing with teenage dropouts?" I scoff.
He gives me one of those rare pointed looks that gets me to shut up pretty quickly.
"They are funding you, kid."
Barely.
But it's not a point worth arguing about. I can see his logic anyway. If resources are being spent on protectors guarding this land, they better be actually on the land to guard it. The problem with that, of course, is that the threat won't suddenly materialize right outside the border. It's going to come from a long way off. But the council of elders wants material proof and I've got none.
"I'm going to get the boys more involved," I tell him instead. "More training, more dealing with the people. Maybe even some of the construction projects I keep talking about."
It feels like mindless chatter, but Billy smiles genuinely at my strained efforts.
"A political campaign then. Not the worst of ideas," he snickers at the thought.
"Like you said, 'while we can.'"
His easy expression falls and he regards me more thoughtfully. I know I tower over him, composed of the youth and energy he sometimes alludes to wasting, but I'm again a small child under his stare. I remember that I never did feel this way in front of my own father. Joshua Uley couldn't command momentary respect from being gone so often. Perhaps a lesson to learn with my pack.
"I know you're being serious, Sam, but you should relax yourself."
I stand up and take my leave. Billy wheels himself around to show me to the door. It's best not to linger too long so Jacob and Bella don't catch me here.
"Try to ensure she doesn't fall off the motorcycle," I say.
Billy's eyebrow cocks even higher than moments before. But he regards me more seriously this time. Perhaps the ancient magic of the imprint is more respected than my frayed instincts. It would be the more logical route, however annoying it is to me now.
"I'll tell the boy to try it out himself before he lets her on, alright?" Billy almost rolls his eyes at me, but I hardly care.
"Good."
With my anxiety about that only partially removed, I know I need to get to work on what I promised the old man. It just so happens that more training also coincides with the reasonable steps to prepare for a large, incoming threat.
We run circles around the perimeter of the land, just so I can report to those old fucks that I'm doing my job. It's probably not in my best interest to argue I didn't get a choice with this, but that wouldn't matter to them. I've been chosen by the gods.
As were the others, so they've got to bust their ass just as much.
But they don't believe they can extend their abilities much further than that of just a giant wolf. Sure Jared and Paul both helped me to take down one vampire, but extending that line of thought into being able to take on a whole horde of them proves to be rather difficult. I can tell that they understand some of my battle strategies, but are not convinced of their application. The side eyes of doubt between them rattle me.
There's only so much more frustration I can take. Which feels like a rather selfish statement because I've worked so hard these past years to keep the inner wolf contained in moments of anger. Of course, everything with her is hardly helping.
I take one of my off shifts to go up on the cliffs beside the ocean. I'm not certain what has called me here, but the intense howling of the wind is able to break through my hot skin and make me feel cold for the first time in a long while. I find I like the feeling.
The cold numbs my mind. Numbs it so much in fact, that I can only focus on one memory: I used to cliff dive here. At much lower heights, but I still remember the feeling of freedom jumping in the middle of summer and away from school. I was still dating Leah. She hated seeing me come back drenched.
Well, there's no one in my life to complain now.
I take a glance below. It's many stories high. If a regular person were to jump, they'd be knocked unconscious by the rough impact, or worse. But I'm not regular, am I?
My body moves without much thought and I'm suddenly flying through the air. Only now it's falling. The seconds of descent last forever. I can feel each goosebump forming down my arms and legs. It strikes me that I am afraid, but I've already done it and now I can only wait to hit the bottom.
The water surrounds me like a series of metal spikes enclosing around you as you're stuck in one of those old torture devices. But then the small pain transitions into the feeling of a million bubbles bursting around me. They tickle my flesh and I almost wave my limbs around to push them away, only stopping when I realize that will just create more. So I make myself very still until it's just smooth water around all sides of me.
I think I sink for a while. The lack of body fat on me rid me of buoyancy a long time ago. But my lungs don't yet feel they're about to explode, so I let myself fall.
The water turns a deep green and blue the lower I go. Somehow I know fish are out there, but their instincts would rightfully propel them to hide from me. I'm alone actually. For the first time in a decade, the thought doesn't bother me. I can learn to survive alone. Perhaps finally thrive in it.
Though it has felt like a lie before, I tell myself it should be possible to live without expecting her to reciprocate anything. All I need, really, is just for her to be okay. It doesn't have to be with me.
When my lungs do decide to tell me I'm close to killing myself, I swim upwards and emerge into the atmosphere. It feels like a rebirth of sorts.
I remember scoffing at one of my college courses during the discussion of some old author deciding to move out into the woods and 'live deliberately.' Now I understand a part of that transcendence. The way nature moves through me and with me. It gives me a small, painful burst of hope that maybe we have a chance against whatever is coming.
Immediately, I decide the others must know it too. They don't understand my method right away and thus question my sanity. Sometimes a fair assessment, just not here.
"What are we doing up here, it's freezing!" Embry groans.
I ignore him as I study the surroundings.
The cliffs are jagged and the water below is rough. I know I'm asking them to do something they probably haven't done before. Or at the very least, not at a height this tall and the impact so uncertain. But pushing them to this next extreme will show them that they are more capable than they believe. And my pack needs to believe that about themselves if we're to have any real luck in defeating more leeches.
As the wind howls in our ears, I'm made very aware of the shivers going through Embry and Jared's backs. Though Paul stands characteristically tall, his goosebumps can't be helped either. I take a second and squeeze my eyes shut. I need to be warm to do this as well and I need to show that they can achieve it.
There's only one thing I can think of to bring back that warmth inside of me. It's her skin. Her skin caressing mine. I focus on our embrace more than anything else. It's surprising how much the thought centers me. Despite pulling this memory from an intimate moment, there's nothing sexual in my desires. It's only to be with her, surrounding her, and being surrounded by her. I ignore everything unholy about the imprint to focus on the feeling of rightness. Then miraculously, the winter winds no longer pierce my flesh.
When I open my eyes, the other three are still standing there with cold and confused gestures. Giving each other side glances, I approach them to force their gaze to meet mine.
"Focus," I tell them. "Close your eyes and feel the warmth within you."
They all look apprehensive, but Embry and Jared finally agree to my demands.
"Man, this is stup-"
"Shut it, Paul," I growl.
He too finally straightens his back and closes his eyes. Though they're trying their best to remain like statues, I can tell they need more pushing.
"Imagine a memory of heat. The best you've ever felt," I continue. I surprise myself with how steady my voice is here despite thinking of the one person who can deconstruct me in every possible way. "Focus on that. Focus on every sensation. Pull that warmth into yourself. Feel it spread everywhere in your body."
The immediate relaxation on Jared's face no longer pierces me like a switchblade to the gut. Rather I feel a small well of pride that he's able to follow my instructions. It's either I'm becoming a decent leader or the imprint for him is just as powerful. Hell, it's probably both and I'm telling him how to discover its power even more.
But it makes me wonder if imprinting helps each wolf in some way, why is it so rare?
That question dissipates as I see Embry and Paul hone in on their own sources of heat. Maybe imprints are only needed for the less mentally strong of us. Sure feels like it's meant to make us grow from all the suffering.
All three open their eyes together.
I smirk at them, "Now jump off the cliff."
Jared laughs incredulously and Embry swallows hard as he looks down. But Paul, that fucker might not fear anything reasonable in his life.
"Don't have to tell me twice, boss!" he hollers.
He runs, yipping the entire way and throwing himself off the edge. Seconds later, a large slash and more yelling that he made it. He says something intelligible, perhaps complaining about the water.
Embry, for his credit, cares to rush to the edge and make sure his brother hasn't died. I can see his shoulders slump slightly in relief. Jared and I approach as well.
"Who's next?" I ask.
Jared shrugs while Embry's eyes grow large. He jumps off and reemerges beside Paul.
The two splash each other while yelling for us to join. And I have every intention of fulfilling this request. The youngest wolf, however, seems to be avoiding the push.
Embry looks back at me, full of panic, "I can't do that."
"Yes, you can."
He shakes his head harshly, "No, Sam. I didn't even do it with Jake and Quil. They called me a pussy, but I didn't want to be cut up by the rocks. I still don't!"
"Well, you won't be. You can launch yourself far enough out," I tell him. Our quad and calf muscles are proof enough of that. "And if you do get hurt, you know we heal. There's nothing to fear."
Embry looks back at the ocean and breathes in deeply.
"You'll never know what you're capable of unless you try it."
His eyes shine, and with one approving nod from me, Embry too falls to the depths below. He stays submerged for a long minute, but I see the air bubbles rise to the surface to confirm he's okay. When Embry surfaces, he looks relieved and refreshed. I feel the glow of success infect me too, especially as his Alpha and brother.
There's a pain that hits me in the chest unexpectedly. Instinct tells me to look to the left. From a far distance, I see a red pickup truck on the side of the road and dark brown curls swirling in the wind.
My heart almost breaks through my rib cage. Is she running to us, me?
But Jacob Black gets out of her vehicle and talks her back. It's a blurry image, but I can tell that much. She follows his instructions and narrowly avoids being roadkill by an oncoming car.
I won't look anymore.
I launch myself off the rocks just to avoid a second more of disappointment.
When I lie down that night to sleep, I think of her more than I have since that night. Now it's impossible to hold back the memories of every intimate thing we did. Each caress sears itself onto the forefront of my brain.
I search in my mind for the cues that she enjoyed it as much as I did. Surprisingly, I find them. I follow the little details of her nodding and moaning at my touch. I remember her blinding orgasms reaching out into me. Bella's shy smiles afterward told me she was embarrassed to have me see her writhing like that. I remember almost telling her to feel no such thing. I wanted to be a slave to her pleasure.
How did it go so wrong?
The question repeats itself in my head as I toss and turn underneath my bed covers. I hate that I grow hard from remembering our encounter as I still ponder whether she wanted it at all. Maybe she did in the beginning, maybe she just wanted a distraction and I shouldn't have gone through with it.
My cock throbs through the visions of her and I finally surrender to flick the light on and grab the bottle of lotion in the nightstand drawer. It's just for relief to sleep. There will be no real pleasure in this anymore. Not without her by my side.
In the end, I might have to grow to be okay with that.
Some days later, I wake to the smell of copper in my nose. There is absolutely no other interpretation for what that smell is.
I forget everything I might have planned for today and phase right outside of my house. There's nothing to do except hunt it down and pray whatever is on the other end is still alive. Strangely I remember a few of the tribal chants to ask for hope and blessings and whatnot. I feel compelled to repeat them in my mind as my four legs work to move at a sickeningly fast past.
Elders be damned, I run right past the border of our land in search of the victim. I pray there's only one, but the increasing potency of the smell fills me with worry. Something very bad has happened.
"Sam?" Paul's voice hits me. I remember suddenly it's his shift right now.
"Stay where you are," I tell him. We need someone on the rez to ensure the threat is currently moving towards us.
I am not currently sure if I believe that to be the case right now, but it would be stupid to put more than one of us in danger to hunt out the smell of blood.
Billy and Harry taught me long ago that leeches will go for those who are isolated. Hikers, joggers, fishermen out alone. They go for the easy and pathetic kill. And while I understand the need to not bring attention to yourself, their victims are never given a single fighting chance to defend against the threat. Fortunately, nature has fought back with us. Though I've cursed the burden of being able to change into a wolf, at this moment, I am grateful I exist for the purpose of vengeance.
I barrel through the woods in the direction of a relatively flat campground many miles from civilization. Before, I might have done a few rounds here until I became too caught up in teaching the new pack members.
I'm close now. I can feel it and smell the fresh blood still pooling. And I smell the lingering scent of vampire. It closes my throat, but I force myself to keep going.
As I approach the campground I see the bloody mass from a distance.
I've known all this time I would be too late, but seeing it confirmed devastates a part of me I long thought gone. Another sliver of innocence trampled by the life I have to lead.
I think I'd cry if I wasn't still in wolf form.
It's a pair of campers.
Their mangled bodies are slumped against one another, in a hug-like embrace. Each with their throats practically ripped out entirely. I think I see a torn-off limp thrown across their trampled campsite. If I were to guess, the monster decided to position their bodies like this as
There isn't much blood, of course. The leech would have drained them until the last drop, but the red of their exposed muscles still paints a gruesome scene. The images will haunt police officers, but they'll be unable to seek any justice.
Again, instincts take over and I perch on my hind legs to release a thundering howl into the sky. The birds fly off from the trees around me. It's a far cry from a memorial, but my yells into the void seem the only reasonable thing to do. I mourn their lives lost to a vicious and evil creature unable to consider their impact on the world at large. These are real people taken with not much thought about their goals and feelings in life. To vampires, I know people are meant as nothing more than a means to help these abominations live long past their time on Earth.
I know enough to not disturb the crime scene, although investigators are not going to find any evidence anyway.
Something strikes me in the way they are posed, clutching at each other for life and mouths open in shock, that fills me with a sense of dread that this was done to taunt me. Or, at the very least, taunt the concept of our wolves as protectors of the forest.
Even the protected marrow in my bones shivers at this realization. There is a vampire, perhaps more than one out there, that knows we could pose a threat to them if confronted directly. They know that we are seeking to preserve human life, the opposite of what they do. They know and still wish to toy with us for control.
I wonder how they could have figured it out since we killed the dark-skinned leech before he could talk. Then again, all the creeping feelings I've been having about a vampire nearby could have been real.
But I can't stick around to speculate any longer. I need to go back to Billy's and warn the others.
Paul's voice cracks back into my head. I transmit the image of the campsite massacre to him. Naturally, he freaks and I find I don't know the right words to say to get him to calm down. I'm not calm myself. Instead, there's an eerie sense of paralyzed emotion. I can only get my body to move forward, not so much my mind.
The others are called to phase shortly after by Paul, who gathers them at my house under my orders. I'll talk to Billy alone about this and then decide with the others what to do. Paul questions if I am certain the scene of the murdered couple was a taunt. But even though he can see my memory of it, he wasn't there in person to catch the definiteness of that conclusion. Yes, I'm certain. I'm certain we're all going to be doomed very shortly.
I barrel through the woods close to the Black house until I catch sight of something I had forgotten about in all the chaos. It's after school and that means Bella is normally there.
I see Jake crash on the rickety motorbike but surprisingly feel little urge to help him back up. He's close to turning and will gain the regeneration ability we all possess. Bella runs to make sure he's alright anyway and I'm struck by how effortlessly beautiful she is. Her selfless compassion leaves me breathless, so I slink further into the brush to not be noticed by them.
Their conversation isn't of any particular note to me, but I watch Jacob lean forward and kiss her. Every nerve inside me ignites in rage. She pulls away from him with a confused and perturbed look on her face. I still bare my teeth at the boy. I'm seconds away from growling too.
They walk away back towards his house, but her body language tells me she's uncomfortable with actions. Rightly so: she does not belong to him. I forget about everything else as I watch them. The dead campers, the threat, the need to tell Billy. The fraying edges of the imprint cause me to think of only one thing now.
Bella is free to be with whoever she wants. Just as long as that person is not Jacob Black. Because Jacob Black is going to be mine. He will belong to the pack and fight with us against the vampires setting their sights on our land. It's all of our duties and it will be his too.
He will phase soon. I'll ensure it.
A/N: Inb4 someone asks if I actually included a Walden reference, yes I did. I have no shame.
Ugh, this chapter was a surprising slog to finish. I just had more work and family things piled on top of me after I finally figured out the specifics to include. So sorry for the somewhat late-ish update, but I am glad it is finally here! The plot goes forward!