"She did not know the nature of her loneliness. The only words that named it were: this is not the world I expected." ― Ayn Rand
I really need to learn to stay away from things I don't understand.
And I barely understand myself these days.
There's a tug-of-war going on in my heart. I feel the anxiety creep up into me, barely allowing me to look at Jake as he leads me into the forest. But each time I stare, there's only amazement for his being. In all of their beings.
He's angry. I can tell that much. I know I was really stupid for snooping around his house, but I had to know. So I forced his hand and he's rightfully upset about it. Still, it hurts. It feels like he'll never manage to forgive me. It feels like no one will.
I kick a few rocks while we march, much as I did at the beach before I saw Leah. It's the only thing that surprisingly brings a small smile to my face.
I can't think about anything else. How much Jake hates me, how shocking the world is to produce two distinct creatures of the night, how Sam knows about the Cullens and I'll have to betray them. Those thoughts float around, but still I hear Leah's whisper: 'Don't you have a right to know?' I think about her words and wonder if that right extends to Jacob and Sam.
Jake turns around to glare at me alarmingly fast just as I've kicked another rock. I recoil a bit in shame.
"What do you want to know?" he sighs, sounding more aggrieved that he has to answer me rather than any desire to fix my worries. It's not the Jake I know.
"Why-why couldn't you tell me?" I ask, stuttering through the shock of it all. The hem of my pants is getting wet and cold the longer I stand in this stream. I might start to shiver again. Pathetic.
He laughs bitterly, "I was ordered not to. We have to listen to Sam."
"Why?"
"Because the gods gave him that power or some shit. We have to follow when he commands it. It's basically instinct."
Something twists inside of me again. "That's horrible."
"Yeah, well, all of it is."
I look down at the ground. I wiggle my toes in my shoes to spread some warmth, but it's no match for the rushing current. Damn, why did Jake have to take me here?
"How long will you be like this?" I whisper. My heart doesn't tell me what I truly mean by that question.
Jake's gaze burns into me, "Until the threat is exterminated. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
"No, of course not," I say, wanting to curl up into myself.
He laughs again, a sick sound. "You know the Cullens caused this, right?"
I shake my head immediately, "No, they left a while ago. They aren't the ones killing people. They didn't do that."
"No, Bells. It was them moving here that caused our genes to awaken. Or has Sam not told you that?"
"Why would he tell me?" My voice is small.
He squints at me, "Because he was the first. It's why he's Alpha, after all."
"That must have been hard," I mumble, scratching my inner elbow. I can feel my body temperature in my face rise, but everywhere else plummets as the wind increases.
Jake's expression gets even worse. His eyes roll, but I can't spend too much time focusing on that right now. His comments about the Cullens suddenly press on my mind.
"What did you say about genes awakening?" I make sure my question is vague enough that Jake has the option to take it in any direction he wants, but I hope he'll soothe my ever-nagging curiosity.
His shoulders slump some, like the effort of explaining all of this to an outsider is too much. I know I don't deserve an explanation.
"All the Quileute men have the genes. Each time a vampire moves into town, they're activated. Vamps don't even have to be violent to cause it. Last time was maybe a hundred years ago. Until now, obviously"
"But the Cullens have been here for two years."
"Yeah, exactly how long Sam has had a stick up his ass."
I tear my eyes away from Jake and stare off into space. The forest around me hums, but I can't focus on a single thing. My legs grow cold now. I can feel the layers of warmth on my skin slowly disintegrating.
"So they did this to him," I breathe. Did they know? Did Sam know this whole time? The lack of answers hollows out my stomach even further. I never know what to think, what to feel.
"Come on, Bella. Don't feel bad for him. He's more than earned this punishment."
I look back up, "What did he do?"
Jacob grows annoyed again, "Does it matter? You'll ignore it like you ignored my warnings about Cullen."
"This isn't the same thing," I mutter.
"No, maybe not. Now you have even less choice."
There's too much hidden in his tone for me to wonder about what he means right now. But my body knows how to react to shame. My cheeks grow heated, pulling what little warmth I had away from the rest of my limbs.
A sorrow lingers over our heads. Maybe Jake's right. I've never had much choice at all. I've hardly chosen to do the opposite of what my instincts tell me. And since I'm not a superhuman creature, those gut feelings can hardly be trusted. Even if they still tell me the Alpha of their pack can be trusted, despite all of what Jake has said.
"You don't want to be friends anymore," I say. It's a logical conclusion.
He refuses to answer.
I find my eyes burn even worse now.
"It's alright. I can leave here and forget anything ever happened. Really it's," I'm about to say 'fine,' but I'm stopped mid-turn away from the scene.
"Bella, wait," he grabs ahold of my wrist and finally looks deeply into my eyes. "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault."
I bite my lower lip.
I don't want to tell him anything about Edward's breathtaking aura, about the need to be around him more than doing anything else, more than even breathing. I don't even want to think about it. But the way Jake looks at me and what his words imply, I know he sees me as only a remnant of that crippling desire. Like an addict who knocked on the doors of dangerous houses just to get another hit.
I know it's a completely reasonable thing to think of me. I can't even argue against it.
But Jake's words are softer than I expected: "It's all the anger still inside of me. I am sorry. It's hard to stop feeling it right now."
I move to look at him closer, "Then let me help, Jake. I don't want to see you like this."
"This is life for me now," he squeezes his eyelids shut. An old move of his I know to avoid talking about difficult things.
"But it can get better?"
"Maybe. Maybe if you stay out of trouble," he finally teases. He looks at me like he did weeks ago when we were working on the bikes. I swallow the anxiety building up in my mouth as Jake stares at me like he wants to brush a piece of hair out of my face.
"Definitely. No more trouble here. I swear," I try to even smile when I say it.
Jake smiles back at me, looking years older than I feel at the moment, "Good, now let's get you back to your truck so you can go home."
I realize as I'm halfway back to Forks that Jake didn't want me to stick around. He shooed me away from Embry and Paul in front of Sam's house quickly. The exhaustion of the day's events prevented me from seeing Jake's intentions right away.
It shouldn't sting. I don't belong to their pack anyway. There are probably lots of things I don't know about being a werewolf. It could slow them down asking everything.
I realize then that Jacob had me leave before I could set a time to see him again.
My stomach flops. I remember Sam's words. But I don't want to talk about those memories with him now. The hurt of the betrayal coupled with Sam's serious posture when he mentioned needing the information splits me in two. Surely, it can wait a few more days at least. Especially if Jake doesn't want me around.
I grip the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white.
The feeling of a rough hand gently caressing my face stirs me from my sleep later in the week. I know that hand. The moment I recognize him all the feelings of want and need I've been pushing back for many, many weeks now surface. Hot and sticky.
I try to open my eyes, but the world grows hazy so I surrender to the growing weight of my eyelids.
His body slides next to mine, and it reminds me suddenly of how someone else used to climb into my bed nightly. But this time, a shocking, but pleasant warmth spreads from his figure and I automatically press into it.
"How are you here?" I whisper to Sam, whose head now buries into my neck. His hot breath sears my flesh, but I realize immediately that if he were to leave now I'd die from the cold. I almost twirl my fingers through his short hair to make sure he cannot move away.
"It's a dream, Bella," he answers as he moves to nibble on my earlobe.
"Oh," I gasp. My back arches automatically. He uses the opportunity to slip one hand underneath me, pulling me closer to his naked chest.
"You haven't been thinking of me, have you?" he murmurs into my ear. The vibrations of his voice find themselves ricocheting all the way down to my core.
"Ah! No," I answer as a hand moves underneath the collar of my nightshirt. His fingers grace the tops of my breast. I'm ignited like never before.
"You want me here."
Two fingers work their way down my chest. I think I'm spasming now, but I do my best to limit his ability to notice the effect on me.
"Sam doesn't talk like this," I say back instead, trying to keep myself poised and unaffected. It probably works about as well as it ever did on Edward. To say never, actually.
"How would you know?" an even huskier voice answers.
He pinches my nipple. Hard.
I automatically stick my wrist into my mouth to muffle my screams. Sam's low chuckles heat me further, but annoy me endlessly. Charlie will hear, won't he?
"This is the version of me you want right now," he says. "And you want me doing things like this."
My whole breast is cupped by his hand while he continues to press down on the center with his thumb. I can feel his other hand move down my stomach until he reaches the lining of my shorts.
"You can allow yourself to think of us, just this once, okay?" he asks more gently than he did moments ago. He fully slips his hand down inside my underwear but doesn't make an effort to move any more than that.
I can open my eyes just long enough to find his umber stare. I don't peel away like I usually might. We stare as we did for a few seconds on that night. I remember the desire clearly, taking hold of my senses fully. Not even the remnants of alcohol had commanded me so.
But I've seen sworn off drugs and assumed this was another vice I couldn't engage in without losing my soul, no matter how much I might have wanted it.
Well, what's a little soul loss to a person like me? To someone who would have easily died for my god had he commanded it?
"Mmhm," I finally agree, nodding softly at him.
Sam dips a finger into my folds and I cry. Tears fall from my eyes as he mercilessly chases the spots that cause me to react the most. I feel as if I can hardly breathe.
Another finger enters me and I scream into my wrist again. He pumps into me, not hard or soft, but with the rhythm of a drummer, never wavering in pace or depth once. He's more perfect than I had given him credit for. Or maybe this is just my fantasy of him, wishing I could come undone with him once more.
Oh, man. Fuck. This is...
"Come," he commands.
I can't hold it in.
My whole body explodes and I convulse without any effort. Sweat drips down my skin and onto the bed. Onto Sam himself. It's the only sensation I can truly focus on without lifting off into space and never returning.
I turn to him after, my whole body flushed
"I want all of you," I beg. I try to fiddle with his pants' zipper so he gets the message, but Sam doesn't help me with my effort.
He looks at my bedroom door as if Charlie is about to come through any second. But can't I control this dream to prevent that? I'm not so sure…All I know is that I never want this to end.
Sam brushes his fingers against my jaw, "You have to wake up now."
I wake up moist, covered in sweat and tears. I find my bed absolutely drenched.
There's a heat clinging to my skin all day at school. I wonder if everyone can see it as I go about my classes. It's just another part of my anxiety that getting high would have lessened. Until I realize that I would be panicking about whether people could see me wasted so I suppose there are pros and cons to everything. I still have no plans to retreat on my goal to remain sober.
Jessica looks at me cautiously during lunch, "You look a little different, Bella."
I just shrug, "Just finally a little bit less stressed out, I think."
That's not a lie. The weight that has been lifted wondering about what happened to Jacob is gone. The truth still feels like it hasn't quite sunk in yet. But I've dealt with vampires before, there's only so much you can do in the face of supreme ability.
"Well, cheers to that!" Mike hits me lightly on the shoulder but I still lurch forward. "Hey, we should all go see a movie sometime to celebrate!"
The group all agrees and I smile encouragingly though I don't have a particular interest in being super social these days. The drama with Jake and his packmates has caused me to get tired a lot quicker. Recovering from anything now takes a while too. But it might be impossible to get out of going anyway. I see Mike too often due to working with him four shifts during the week. I try to tell myself that having other friends could help.
When we clear out for lunch, I find myself trailing behind Jessica in the hallway. I take another good look at her. She always looks so put together. Something I've consistently failed in. How do you look like you're on top of the world when you feel crushed by it so often.
"Things didn't work out with Mike and you, right?" I ask Jessica when we're out of earshot of the others. It has been months since they were even paired up romantically, but I never asked before and the moment for it
Jessica looks at me like she's both surprised and impressed I would ask. "Some things just don't, I guess."
"Yeah, I have my own experience with that," I laugh dryly, but the intent is not to be sarcastic at her. Rather I picture myself as an old man on a fishing boat shaking his fist up at God for not providing him a catch.
"Mike's not a bad guy. We're just not compatible," Jessica shrugs as if the truth of it is so obvious there's no emotion involved at all.
"It happens," I say and look down while grabbing a piece of my hair. Perhaps this is the conclusion Edward came to about me.
"At least he didn't leave me in a forest," Jessica snorts. "Seriously, Bella, don't ever go back to him."
I roll my eyes, "He's not going to come back. He made that pretty clear."
"Screw him then, you don't need him. There's always other guys."
My chest tightens and Jessica immediately notices it. She's far more perceptive than I'm comfortable admitting at the moment. I can see the way her eyebrows raise that she's waiting for me to talk about the 'other guys.' How she knows I'm thinking it is beyond my ability.
She presses me anyway after I stay silent and dumbstruck. "You've been hanging out a lot with that kid from the rez, right?"
"Jake," I say. "But uh, it isn't like that with him."
"Right."
"He's different now," is the most I tell her. Then I curse myself for falling into her trap. She sure knows how to make a person want to tell her information. "We're not compatible."
She turns to me fully now having reached the door of her next class. Jessica reaches out and grabs onto my left shoulder. The look she gives me is of support but contains an undeniable teasing attitude.
"Well, there's plenty of other options. Take the bull by the horns, Bella Swan!"
She winks and leaves me standing.
I call a number I have memorized by now despite only having dialed it once before. He doesn't pick up. Again. I begin to wonder about the odd hours being a werewolf requires. Jake or the others might have mentioned something about patrolling. I can barely remember.
But his husky voice still carries through the answering machine and I'm reduced to a blubbering mess once again.
"Um, sorry to bother you," I say. I want to hit myself over the head for starting like this. "But you're right, there are things you and everyone else should know about them. For the good of everyone, or something."
I'm glad no one can see me turn the shade of tomato now. The mirror in my room shows the truth to me, at least.
"If you're free, we can meet at their house tomorrow. Maybe around 5pm?"
There's no shift for me tomorrow at work and Charlie is still out regularly. It would give me enough time to come back from school, do some studying, and make myself somewhat presentable.
I say it like a question as if Sam can respond. He isn't, obviously. I almost smack myself again but stop short to wind my fingers through my hair ferociously. I'm acting as if he can tell what kind of dreams I've been having of him. Now my whole belly squeezes tight.
"Okay, thanks. Bye." I slam the 'end' button hard and toss my phone onto the bed as if it's now burned me.
I flop onto my bed and scream into a pillow.
The drive to their house takes a lot longer than I remember it. Maybe that's because Edward always insisted on speeding the whole way there, despite my pleas against it. Though I tried to understand. If you could move in the blink of an eye surely you'd want all your travel to be quick.
I don't get out of my truck until I see him come. It feels wrong to step onto the Cullen's land by myself, for reasons I can't articulate. Another moment of relief passes when Sam is within walking distance for me.
"I'm sorry to pull time out of your day," is the first thing I say when I see him. My cheeks burn still as if the feeling has never left me, not for a second.
"Don't be," he says as he walks up to me. "You're never a bother."
I'm sure I blush harder. Sam has a shirt on over his jean shorts, but the arms have been cut out. I deduce it must be for easy removal before he changes into his wolf form. There are so many things I can think of now that I missed.
The very first memory of Sam. He really did have a nail go through his hand. I feel so stupid for only putting that together just now. Why is it so hard for me to figure things out these days?
It certainly doesn't help that Sam still shines in the sunlight. In a completely different way than a vampire might. In a way that doesn't break me into pieces looking at such inhumane beauty but rather a man who has mastered nature, becoming more human than any of us. I lose track of time just looking at him.
"Sam, I won't tell your secret. I promise," I say to him. The feeling of being a monumental hypocrite still slaps me across the face. He doesn't have a reason to believe me when I'm about to betray the Cullens in front of him. "I understand why you didn't want to tell me."
The last part is said in a whisper, but Sam still hears it, nodding at me. I lose my nerve to say anything else, but his expression doesn't show one of anger or suspicion.
"Technically, I'm not supposed to be here," he tells me, a slight smirk on his face.
"Not supposed to talk to me?" I ask as my voice gets smaller.
He shakes his head, "No, definitely not. Rather, there was an old treaty we had with the Cullens. They wouldn't kill anyone in town and we'd stay off their land."
A breath escapes me, "Oh, wow. I thought I'd have to convince you that they were vegetarians. But you knew this whole time."
"They're still killers at heart, Bella."
"But they deny that part of them," I argue.
"For what end?"
The right answer might be 'I don't know.' I could ponder a whole host of reasons really: because eternity gets boring talking to the same people and you can't go out into the world with blood-red eyes. Because they generally enjoy the simplicity of us humans.
"Because murder is wrong. Carlisle has taught that to everyone," I say.
Sam doesn't answer me. He looks at me with something like pity. But he's wrong. I know the Cullens believed in humanity one way or another.
He looks away from me and towards their house. Almost as if he's considering the architectural integrity of the place. For being so modern, I imagine it's perfect in its design. In fact, I remember hearing Esme might have had a hand in developing it. I'm glad I never hinted at the idea that it was too contemporary for my taste. Too out of taste in this small town.
"Why did you take me here?" Sam breaks the silence and looks back at me. I think I shrink further.
I swallow again, "I don't know. Maybe because if I'm going to spill their secrets, I should at least be trying to remember them as people too."
Again, Sam is silent. But I ignore him for now. I take a deep breath and let my crisp air cool me. There are memories of this place I had locked away. I didn't want to remember the good times now that they won't come back. However, the happy faces of Esme, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle can't be so ignored. His though, well, I've seen enough of his to wait years until I can remember him happy again.
"They have special powers," I say. I think I choke back a sob.
Sam's brow furrows.
"Well, not all of them," I laugh a little. "Just Edward, Alice, and Jasper."
"What do you mean 'powers?'" Sam asks.
I take another breath and look at the man in front of me once more. I try to imagine the strength he's composed of, that can be seen in every muscle of his, lending itself to me for this moment.
"Edward could read minds. It's why fighting him would be so impossible."
Sam takes a step forward, "He did that to you?"
I shake my head, "No, not me. He could read every mind but mine. No one knows why."
He weighs the information I've just given him, "The other two?"
My fingers burn with the crackling of betrayal. I rub my hands together to get rid of the feeling. "Alice could see the future. At least a few days in advance, but sometimes years, I think. And Jasper is an empath. He can change how people feel instantly."
I look back over their house and try to focus on a memory of Jasper doing this to me. Suddenly everything gets hazy and I blink repeatedly in confusion. I do remember Jasper keeping his distance from me, a lot. For reasons only most evident at my failed birthday party. Upon touching that memory, I get woozy again.
Sam rustles behind me. "I imagine these types of powers can be found in all vampires."
"Yes," I nod. "James was a tracker. He could find anyone."
"James?"
I look down at my wrist where his teeth marks are normally hidden behind a sleeve. Suddenly I remember an instance of Jasper using his power on me. Trying to make me calm in the hotel room in Arizona. It worked, only momentarily.
"One of the vampires from last spring," Sam concludes.
My heart jolts. I should have expected Sam could figure that out. Obviously, the math from when he first became a werewolf allows for him to have been around during that time.
"You didn't fight him, did you?" I ask, worry filling my head.
"Didn't have a chance," Sam crosses his arm. "The leader of your Cullens said they had been dealt with before I saw them. Besides, it would have just been Paul and me. Now that you say they can have powers, that makes our chances even worse, for whatever threat is coming."
My eyes widen, "I've seen you though. Well, just Jake and Paul. But you guys look just as strong and capable."
Sam chuckles, "I appreciate that, Bella."
"Sure," I say, blushing and looking at the ground.
We stand in silence again, listening to the sounds of the forest. I still stare at their house, remembering looking outside from the large glass windows. I remember beautiful melodies coming from the piano. I remember feeling like I could listen to Carlisle's stories about philosophy and medicine for days, only having the night be cut short with Edward's insistence that I go home to sleep. Even Rosalie's cold attitude shined when she talked to Emmett and seeing another form of that idyllic love only made me like her more.
But happy memories can hurt too. I sigh, like a weak vacuum slowly siphoning off my air, realizing it much too late when I'm about to hit empty. Months ago, I couldn't be here. I would have insisted on getting high to deal with this pain.
Sam speaks again, "Is there anything else you want to tell me?" One eyebrow is cocked upwards at me, his expression waiting for me. It doesn't seem like he's asking about vampires.
My heart reacts immediately. Thudding helplessly in my chest. Surely he can't mean talking about that night? Between us?
I'm an idiot for thinking it was possible to continue like it never happened. I can see now that's not fair for him. Maybe he wants some type of closure. I don't know how much I can talk about it though, not when I'm dreaming about him now. He probably wants to forget it just as much. I can't even tell what I feel around him. Embarrassment floods my senses, but I gather a little courage.
"Are you-" I try to say, but get cut off.
"Hold on." Sam gently grabs me and puts me behind him. I gasp at the contact, feeling even just a brush of his warmth ignite me. "Something's not right."
He scans the forest. I see his nostrils flare like he's even smelling for something. His hold stance becomes rigid
"What's going on?" I whisper. I hold onto his forearm because it seems like the sensible thing to do. "Sam?"
A breeze blows through the area and it's enough for Sam to go completely still. If it lasts a second longer, I'll shake him and demand an explanation.
But there's no point. There's a creature standing here who's capable of being even more still than Sam is now. A kind that never needs to move, not even breathe. She looks at us humorously, her head tilted and lips upturned. The only thing of motion from her is her mess of red curls swinging in the wind.
I don't know if I can accurately describe the fear. The weeks of worrying about her arrival, always at the back of my head, mixed with ten other problems. I had felt so close, so impossibly close to believing I might get better. Might be safe if I trust Sam like every bone in my body tells me to, even if Jake despises him. An illusion, that was.
She looks at me as if she knows the terror she's just cast back into my life. Maybe she laughs, eyes glowing red and hungry.
"Hello, lovelies," Victoria smiles. "I hear you've been talking about my mate."
A/N: Oooof, I'm not crazy about leaving cliffhangers in the middle of a scene, but I think it's necessary to flip the POV here for the upcoming events. It shall get violet with the next two chapters!
And overall, not super happy with this chapter, but please enjoy some saucy dreams for your viewing pleasure. Thanks for reading!