"I am one who has been acquainted with the night" ― Robert Frost
A/N: Longest chapter yet! But be warned, some more violence ahead
Sam's gone and I'm going to throw up.
"I'm going to throw up," I tell Harry and Sue as soon as I enter their house. I can't even see anything around me as the need to vomit hits me so suddenly. My vision tunnels and I know I'm losing stability on my feet.
Sue puts her hand on my back and guides me down a hallway. I see the toilet and fall in front of it before I can even think of something to say.
The 'click' of the door being fully closed by Sue is the only thing I hear besides the sounds of my own gagging. I barely register how impolite it is to not thank her. But my body shakes and the sickness doesn't subside for many long minutes.
How long have I been feeling this way? I only now realize how sick I've felt for weeks now. The stress is getting to me. I can't handle this anymore. When I bring my fingers to wipe away my hair from my forehead, the tears streaming down my face finally become apparent.
God, I wish Sam was here.
I cry more thinking this. How much more selfish can I be? He's trying to protect everyone and I can't take him from that. I couldn't even try now anyway, I don't know how to reach a pack of wolves in the middle of nowhere.
I know I'm going to come out of the Clearwater's bathroom looking like a mess. The deadness I feel behind my eyes certainly must be external as well. I feel fragile, like a strong just of wind would be enough to knock me over.
Warm arms envelop me when I step outside.
"Shh, shh, it's okay," Sue says into my ear. I think I collapse crying on her shoulder, but I can't tell. "You can explain everything to Harry and me."
She guides me to the living room and lets me sit down on their old beige couch. I hold myself tight, trying to increase the little heat I have from my jacket. Harry looks at me without any suspicion or disbelief. It becomes unnerving, realizing many more people are privy to secrets I thought I would have to take to my grave.
Sue rubs my back again, "We trust Sam completely. I'll go make sure Seth and Leah don't come downstairs right now, okay?"
As she walks away, my mind clears for just a second. I remember her daughter sitting on the beach with me, resolute in her anger at the word. More determined than I'll ever be.
"Leah…," I mumble, then I remember: "Leah and Sam were…"
I don't know why the words almost hurt to say.
Harry offers me a sad smile, "Wasn't meant to be."
I gape at the man whose daughter's heart has been broken. The way her eyes shined when she talked of Sam becomes obvious to me now. And again, my chest seizes at the thought that someone else has been so affected by him.
I can't be thinking like this. Not when I know my reaction to hearing anything comparable relating to Edward would be much, much worse.
How long have vampires ruled my life?
"He's going to die out there," I nearly cry again. "And the others."
Harry shakes his head, "The wolf is a powerful protector. Is there a Cold One on our lands now?"
"Yes," I whisper. Blasphemy is all I think about myself to have wished for their kind to return.
I continue, "She's after me."
The old man nods and shifts his weight in his recliner, "Then Sam will fight even harder to kill her."
I would argue with him, explain the disparate pieces that give me the impression that danger is still coming, but Sue's heavy footsteps break my resolve. I turn to watch her and wonder what my own mother would do in a situation like this. Renee would be hysterical and I couldn't spend a second feeling anything myself.
The thought causes me to swat at my blossoming tears more.
Sue lays a knitted quilt over my lap. Soft and made with love and history and culture. Nothing that really exists in my life. I sob silently.
But both pairs of kind eyes bare into my soul and despite neither pressing me for answers, I find myself spilling everything to them. Victoria's motivations and my own near-death at the hands of James. Harry took an interest in learning vampire venom could be survived, but not without its own risk.
I remember feeling so guilty for causing Edward pain over saving my life. Still undeserved, to this day.
Oh god, if I'd have died there then the Quiletes wouldn't be in danger now.
Neither of the Clearwaters makes a judgment towards that line of thinking. Sue turns her head upwards as if she's heard something and furrows her brow.
"They're trying to listen in," she sighs. "Typical of them. I need to yell at them some more."
When she leaves for a second time, Harry must see the confusion on my face because he laughs at me.
"A mother's intuition. Powerful stuff. Come on, Isabella, let's go outside to talk some more."
He guides me outside and I take the quilt with me, letting it fall on the ground as it becomes obvious it's now taller than I am. I think of the time and effort that go into making something like this and once again realize I have nothing to offer of similar value.
Harry watches me cry more, kind but not pressing to comfort me immediately. It causes me to sober up for a few seconds, but then burst into tears again when I look out into the forest and remember what's going on. Victoria could tear them all to shreds.
My vision is so watery that I can't even see Harry reach to touch my shoulder. His hand is calloused and firm. He pulls me up straighter so I can at least try to look into his eyes as he speaks. But I think my mind is too scrambled to really focus.
"You can be strong," Harry tells me. "It's still within you. That ability does not leave us until our last breath."
I shake my head furiously and hold myself tighter. The night chill bites my skin, but I can't focus on warming myself now even if I tried.
"I-I can't," I cry. "Not without him. He took that when he left."
Harry nods, "Yes, that is what their kind does. They take. But you are not broken, Bella Swan. You have too much of your father in you for that."
I look up at him from below my wet lashes. How can I not be broken after all I've felt and done since Edward left me?
"He reacted similarly when Renee left and took you with," he admits. "But your old man pulled through and so will you."
Almost, I shake my head again, but the thoughts of Charlie stuck in Forks while his ex-wife leaves and keeps him from his daughter overcomes my senses. I shed more tears at that thought. And with Charlie's parents long since passed, he was left alone. Then I look at myself, I'm not entirely alone, am I? I have Jake, and Sam, and even Angela and Jessica too. All threatened by Victoria.
"She won't take me," I hiccup. "She wants to kill everyone else first."
With a sigh and another shake of his head, Harry's voice grows firmer, "It is admirable to wish to protect others. But your desire will not be achieved if you die so easily. Other people will be depending upon your strength as well."
I don't know what to say to him, anything I might come up with would likely be a disappointment. So I bite my lip, worsening the already chapped feeling.
We turn towards the forest once again. The trees become long lines of dark shadow, the leaves gently bouncing in the wind. And with the stars splattered across the sky, I'd almost say this scene is beautiful. But the thought of Sam looking at those same stars while he's hit and thrown around by Victoria. What if he's on the forest floor and the North Star is the last thing he sees?
"I don't know how to be strong for him," I whisper.
"You do," Harry says.
I bite my lip harder, "But what if it's already too late?"
"You would feel it if he were gone," Harry answers.
I don't know how true this is, but his tone tells me I shouldn't argue. I don't think I have this institution, the bond with nature, that the rest of the Quilettes seem to have. But the thought that Harry sees me possessing something similar makes me feel as if I am almost accepted here. Maybe that's just because of Charlie though.
"She's strong," I admit. "But I think she's even smarter than a regular vampire."
"She cannot escape the strength of the pack mind."
I turn back towards him, "Pack mind?"
He raises an eyebrow at me like I should have known this all along, "Yes. They can talk see through each other's eyes while in wolf form."
Oh. My stomach drops.
The first thought is just how weird that is. And how it's also strange I'm reacting to it like that when Edward could read everyone's mind anyway. I suppose I was spared from that, but if Sam has thought at all about us then everyone else knows. No wonder Jake has been so angry with me. He's got to know
I look at Harry's soft but old eyes and wonder if he knows too.
"Do not worry, Bella child, the vampire will not be able to escape when many eyes can follow her tracks."
Suddenly, the wind howls, and a creeping feeling shoots up my spine. I know what's lurking behind the corner. I hope for a single second that if I don't turn around the threat will dissipate. Maybe I'm a sucker for hopeless optimism after all. But reality always wins.
"Unless, of course, you maim one of them and they all have to stop," Victoria's honeyed voice answers Harry.
She stands with a smug smile on her face, her hair even brighter at night as the moon shines on her like she's a goddess. I can now see she's anything but. Her thirst for human blood shows itself in the way her eyes have darkened since I last saw her. She's here to hurt people. Me most of all.
I gasp as her expression grows even more cat-like, "What did you do?"
She laughs, "None of them are dead yet, sweetie. No, you see, my plan is different. Some offerings must be taken in person."
In a flash, Victoria's arms are around Harry and he struggles to escape, much like a fly smashed between two glass panels. He can't escape her, but that conclusion hasn't reached his mind yet so he still thrashes the little bit he can.
"Please, god, don't," I beg.
"You're quite the pretty picture when you're scared. Anyone ever told you that?"
Maybe James; I swallow as I think it. But I'm not stupid enough to say that now. Stillness envelopes me. I'm afraid to even breathe for fear of triggering her wrath. It's a little late for that though, I think bitterly. My muscles glue in place by my side and it's a struggle to speak.
I make the words come out, "He's innocent. Don't hurt him."
She laughs again, the normal happy edge replaced with the tremors of a madwoman.
"But that's why I have to. You'll remember it better this way."
"No," I whisper.
Harry stops trying to fight her then, standing as tall as he can in her grasp. I know what he's trying to tell me, that it'll be okay.
Oh god, Sam. Where are you? What's happened? What can't you be here now, to protect Harry? Something terrible must have happened. I can't trust her word that she hasn't killed them.
"Bring the Cullens back, Bella, and this won't have to happen again," her tone grows serious. Then she winks.
Victoria draws a nail across Harry's throat. The movement only lasts a half-second. I hear him choke, wet, and without breath. She releases him easily from her grasp. Harry's hands fly up to his neck, but he's toppled over on the ground. The crimson liquid flows freely.
Oh my god. No, no, no.
"Be seeing you soon!"
She's gone now. But there's so much blood. Rivers of it. The wooden porch is quickly soaked in it. I don't know how it'll ever get out. There's just so much.
My body is frozen. I stand in shock.
I'm not sure I even feel anything. My own body vanishes.
The sounds of screaming reach my ears. It can't possibly be Harry making those sounds now. He only gurgles as if he's trying to talk. Maybe ask for help. I can't give it to him. My eardrums feel like they are bursting.
It's me. I'm the one screaming.
I can't tear my eyes away from his dying body. He convulses. All the cover in his face drains out on the porch. He's no more.
Sue is here before a single minute passes.
My screaming stops and her own begins.
I press myself against the wall of their house and watch her shake her husband, try to bring him back to life. She takes off the jean jacket she was wearing and presses into his wound. It's too late. There's just too much blood.
I still can't move.
Sue calls his name, muffled sounds in my ear now.
Their children run outside too. Shock and horror on their expressions. I see something flip in each of their eyes. They shake. They shake like Paul did, after I slapped him, before...
Oh my God.
Both of them explode. Sue screams.
The two giant wolves howl. They cry, they growl.
The noise of everything nearly splits my eardrums. But I still can't move. I press against the wall further. The horror continues all around me.
Sue hugs her husband's body close to her chest. To protect him from his children. My throat closes at the sight. She's covering herself in blood. The whole porch is dripping with it. There are two wolves right next to me. How haven't I really noticed how tall they got before?
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bile rises again in my throat. God, do I even have anything else to throw up? My eyes fill with water. I can't see much through the glare. But I know the two new wolves are panicking.
The one I think is Leah lets out a howl. She's paralyzed after, watching her father struggle for the life I instantly know isn't coming back. The skinnier one, Seth, bolts back into the house, tearing through the door frame and probably destroying much more inside. I can hear the sounds of it. I can't even think what everything looks like.
My mind skips.
Just like it did when he left. I remember my mind shutting down in the forest. All the scenery vanishing and only the horror left inside me. Maybe it's a protective mechanism. I don't know. I don't care.
I think I disappear now.
Be strong, Bella.
It's Harry's voice. Or Sam's. Or Jake's. Or Charlie's. Or even Edward's. Maybe it's my voice, but I listen.
I peel myself off of the house wall. My fingers tingle, I can barely think straight. There's something I need to do here. I feel like my mind is a prisoner banging against soundproof doors.
Listen, Bella. Listen to the voice.
Somehow I do. And then I know what I should be doing.
The cellphone in my pocket grows infinitely heavier. I immediately pull it out and dial 9-1-1. The operator speaks but I can barely make out what they are saying specifically. Watching enough movies gives me an idea of what they need to know, however.
I tell them a green house on the Quileute reservation needs an ambulance immediately. There can't be a delay. Then I let the phone drop to the ground.
A gray wolf, Leah, stands beside me.
I move so slowly that time itself could have turned into jelly and this is the fastest anyone can go now. A single inch every ten seconds. I do everything I can to not scare her. I can see by the pain in her eyes that she's upset enough already.
"It's going to be okay," I whisper.
She whines at me. Maybe she can hear the lack of surety in my words. But I know I need to break through to her so I steel myself to be even stronger than I thought possible.
Leah continues to pant and look over at her mom and dad. It looks bad, that much I know. I don't trust my own stomach to be able to look at them and not get nauseous again.
"I called for an ambulance. They'll be here for Harry soon," I continue. "They can't see you like this."
Another high-pitched whine.
"Please?" I ask.
She doesn't answer me. I can see her breathing heavily.
Shit. This is the wrong angle to take.
"Leah," I say her name in a resolute voice. "I am not going to leave you here. You can trust me."
I see her large brown eyes keep looking over at her parents,
"No," I reach and surprisingly cup the side of her face, "Don't look at them. Just look at me, okay?"
Her fur is soft beneath my fingers, not at all like I expected. Maybe this is how a new wolf feels. I haven't felt any others to confirm. Another reminder of this cruel world
"There are others like you," I tell her. "A whole pack. You're not alone. This was the secret Jake and Sam had been keeping all along. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know anyone else would change."
Leah looks at me wide-eyed and lost even though she towers over me.
"But it's going to be okay. I know they can help you. And I won't leave you either."
The gray wolf in front of me whimpers.
"Just close your eyes and breathe deeply," I tell her. I'm not sure mediating is the right path to take her, but there's got to be some method to get her to change back. Shockingly, she does do as I say and closes her large, round eyes.
I glance briefly at Harry and Sue again. It's a mess. And I know there's no hope. I know Victoria was exact in her assassination. The thought threatens to cause me to scream and cry all over again, but I can't now, not for Leah. And even Seth back in the house.
"Think of your mom and dad," I say to her. "They need your help. Just breathe slowly and imagine yourself back as a human. It's going to be okay."
The words come out authoritarian, but I internally doubt myself. This can't possibly work.
And yet, it does.
The wolf in front of me shifts. There might be a few sounds of bones crunching, but it happens so quickly I could have imagined it. Leah comes back, stuck on the ground and curled in a fetal position.
Seeing Leah's naked, shivering body surprises another part of me. The part that didn't realize that the hidden innocence still existing in crevices could be lured out and crushed all the same. It's another crippling, bitter realization that this life takes so much from us. Sometimes more than we think we can give.
I wrap her in the quilt I had first brought out to the porch. I know a small corner of it is soaked in blood, but I fold it around her carefully so that part doesn't touch her. Surprisingly, the purpose of my work keeps me from gagging at the scene. I focus on that instead of anything else.
She's crying. I know that much. In a silent, unbelieving kind of way. The world she has known crashed down around her. And I find myself knowing exactly how that has felt. The world has done the same thing to me a few times now.
"Come on," I help her inside. "Let's go inside. You can hear the sirens coming, yeah? Everything will be okay soon."
My assumption about Seth destroying the inside of the house proves to be somewhat true. I can hear the whimpers of a wolf down the hall, but since he's hidden, I won't try to get him to phase back right now. Putting Leah on their family couch seems like the best option for now.
I hold her hand as we wait. She doesn't hold back tightly but doesn't pull away either. I know she's in shock.
When the ambulance arrives, I tell her that I'll go back outside to see how everyone is doing. I tell her not to look though, because I know there's nothing good to see.
Red lights blare everywhere. EMTs are pulling Sue off of Harry's body. She's still screaming belligerently. I know she knows, deep down inside. Harry isn't going to wake up from this. My eyes are too dry to keep crying anymore now.
I hold onto her as she tries to fight the EMTs. She pushes me off quite easily, but I keep trying. Some of Harry's blood transfers onto me. I pull back instantly realizing this. Then the scent hits my nose and my stomach turns. Oh, God.
"I'm riding with him!" Sue screams as she thrashes.
"Calm down first, ma'am," one of the men says to her. "We need to assess your husband."
She keeps crying but stops fighting. I try to put an arm over her shoulder and she leans into me. I stiffen knowing this is only spreading more blood onto me. I breathe through my nose instead.
"What happened here?" the EMT asks me, mainly because I think I'm the most coherent person to talk to right now. An odd thought that I would ever fill this role.
I bite my lip and think quickly, "An animal attack, I think. I didn't see it. I just found him outside."
He talks to the other operatives nearby. The words don't register to me. Sue and I just remain clinging to each other as we watch Harry disappear behind a group of
"Okay, you can go with him now, ma'am."
Sue breaks off of me and runs to the ambulance. My shoulders slump. There's no one to talk to me now. The workers eye me suspiciously as they continue to load up.
I'm about to turn back to go check on Leah again when I hear something. There's rustling coming from the woods. Movement. Figures in the shadows. A group of shirtless men. Aching bodies and defeated faces.
"Sam!" I yell without even thinking. I'm running towards him, instinct I didn't know I had guiding me. Only now do I realize how worried I'd been when Victoria hinted about their demise. I can't have anyone else taken from me.
His head snaps up in my general direction and a little bit of life floods back into him. "Bella."
I wrap my arms around him, pulling his warmth close into my body. Slowly, his arms wrap around me as well. My head fits perfectly into the corner of his neck. It almost feels like home. A strange peace. But the comfort he gives me now can't save us from reality. So I pull back and look into his worried eyes.
"What's going on?" Sam asks me. He rests his hands on both of my shoulders and looks like me, guiding me with his eyes to pull the information out. I realize he looks more than weary, he looks
"Victoria," is all I say. "She got Harry."
He nods, then looks back. The pack also emerges from the treeline. Someone is being supported on either side of him. I blink and turn away, barely registering it in my head. I can't forget to say this next important part.
"Leah and Seth," I struggle to speak. "They're both, like you now."
Sam's mouth parts. Confusion sweeping over him. He understands the implication.
I gulp, "I got Leah to, uh, phase back. But Seth is stuck in his room, I think. I didn't know what else to do."
"Women aren't supposed to change," he says.
"Well, she did and she needs help," I respond. Tears I didn't know I had left in me prick at my eyes. I can't let her be forgotten.
He nods, "So does Embry."
"Oh god, is he okay?" I rush out.
"He'll heal."
More sirens reach the area and I realize it's Charlie's cruiser. I break free from Sam's embrace and run over to my dad, nearly stumbling on the forest floor and weaving between the EMTs still lingering.
He hugs me immediately as well. I hold him back tightly.
"Were you hurt at all?" Charlie asks as he moves my arms and shines his flashlight all around my clothes looking for any injuries.
I manage to shrug him off after many moments of close contact, "No, Dad, I'm fine."
Charlie still looks at me, disbelieving I'm okay. The terror must be written on my face,
"It's all Harry's," I say, referencing the blood on me. I won't look at it. "I don't know if he's going…"
I don't finish the thought, Charlie gets it. His eyes water, but I've never seen him allow tears to spill.
"I, uh, called Billy. He should be here soon," Charlie says. He rubs my shoulder and I shiver, noticing how cold it is out here still, even in March.
I nod. Billy can help, maybe. If not with Harry, then with his children. I almost cry now, but I can't keep doing that in front of my dad.
"Was it the wolves?"
I open my mouth to say no, but no sound comes out. Charlie grunts and pulls out his radio report in the incident. The muffling sounds are incoherent to me, but I know it can't be good.
"Shit," he curses when he hangs up.
My mouth grows dry. I don't want Charlie thinking the blame falls on Sam or anyone else. But I can't tell him it was a vampire without him locking me up in the looney bin.
"Can you get back to the house okay, Bells? I'm going to follow Harry."
Shaking my head, I tell him, "I'm going to stay here, Dad."
He raises an eyebrow at me, clearly too dumbstruck to say anything else. I see another car approaching and Billy comes out. He and Jake hug each other and he looks over at Embry, who I now see is being held up by Jared and Paul. He motions for them to go inside. Jake turns to look at me and Charlie. He nods at me, acknowledging I'm okay and looking relieved to see so. I try to smile a bit at him, knowing we can talk later about this mess.
I look back over at my dad, "I want to stay to help everyone. Especially Leah and Seth."
Charlie tilts his head at me, "I didn't know you were close with them."
I nod. I suppose I am now since I know the pack's secret. I'll be close with all of them, despite not being deserving of this responsibility myself. It is my fault that Victoria is loose and threatens their whole tribe.
"Go with Harry and Sue, Dad. They need your help the most. I'll come back in the morning," I tell him, squeezing his arm.
Charlie relents, too worried about his friend to fight me tonight, "Okay, kid. You're being really brave, you know."
"I'm trying," I laugh a little.
With one last hug, we part. Charlie gets back into his cruiser and turns back on his lights and siren so he can trail behind the ambulance quickly. I wipe at my eyes as they disappear down the road.
The pack has gone inside the Clearwater house, probably to help Leah and Seth like I told Sam.
"What can I do to help?" I ask Billy as I walk over to him.
Billy moves his lips into a thin line, "You shouldn't stay here, kid. We're going to be up all night with Leah and Seth. It's not going to be pretty."
"I'll take her back to my house," Sam's booming voice reaches me from behind. I spin around to look at him. His facial features don't give away any emotion now.
"No," I tell them both. "I told Leah I wouldn't leave her."
With my arms crossed dutifully, I hope they get the message. But their equal sighs of despondency tell me otherwise.
"She needs to be with the people who actually understand what's happening to her. The ones who have been through it themselves. Let Samual take you back," Billy says.
Sam puts a hand on my lower back and I curse realizing my body becomes comforted by his touch. "They could spend the whole night phasing in and out, Bella. You'll be safer with me."
Despite my better judgment, I turn to look him in his deep brown eyes and melt on the spot. He looks tired, almost impossibly so. Exhausted in a way I haven't seen before. The guilt for leaving Leah will eat at me later, I'm sure. I can't say no to him now.
"Okay."
We wordlessly enter his house. A house I've come to know somewhat well. I bite my inner cheek thinking about this.
"You can use the bathroom down here to shower. I'll set out some of my clothes for you outside the door."
Sam, I want to say. I want to press him to talk to me about this, but with one look down at myself and another lurch of my stomach, I know I'm in no shape for an immediate discussion.
The hot water would usually burn my skin. Instead, it's just a reminder of how numb I am. I don't even feel nauseous when the water turns pink below my feet and swirls around the durian. I watch it mindlessly.
I might've scrubbed my arms raw at the thought of being covered in someone's blood, but I'm too tired to do that tonight. Tired and confused. Looking at myself in Sam's guest bathroom mirror shows a version of Bella I never expected to look like.
How did I start this night crying uncontrollably after Victoria's threat and end it somehow able to talk down Leah? I should be proud of myself, I should feel stronger.
Instead, I feel different, heavier, stranger. It feels like I'm not in control of my body anymore.
What's happened to me?
I finally leave his bathroom, nearly drowning in his oversized sweatpants and shirt. I make my way back into his living room.
Sam doesn't move. He sits on his couch with his legs spread wide and his shoulders slumped over. His gaze is far off, but I can't find anything up against the wall that would steal his attention so much.
And suddenly I realize I know this look. Only I'm experiencing it looking outside for the first time. This, I know deep within me, is how I looked when Edward first left me. Features frozen, breathing ragged. It's a look worse than shock. It's staring into the abyss of death.
I rush to his side and kneel before him, trying to shake him back to reality. Of course, that wouldn't have worked with me so it doesn't with him either. My eyes begin to burn. I don't know what to do.
"Sam, please," my voice wobbles.
He barely moves despite my pleas.
Please, I need you, I want to say. But my throat grows scratchy and no sound comes out. I know a few tears are falling down my cheek now. I don't care. I need him to be okay. I'll sit with him all night if I need to.
"It's my fault," he finally whispers.
I shake my head furiously, "No, no. It's mine. I promise it's my fault."
He doesn't move. Doesn't answer. Doesn't even look like he's heard what I've said.
"Sam, I'm so sorry," I tell him.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," he says. His voice is monotone and it only makes me worry more.
I hold one of his giant hands with both of mine. I squeeze hard so he knows he isn't alone right now. I can't have him feeling alone like I did. He deserves much better. Especially when it is my fault.
"I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone outside with Harry. I was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking," I ramble at him.
"We shouldn't be like this," his voice grows weary. "It's a curse."
All my cluttered words and thoughts stop right in their tracks. He's talking about before. Before I met him even. When he first became a wolf.
I release his hand and fold my own in my lap while I don't move from in front of him. He still doesn't stare at me.
"Someone should have told me," he chokes.
"I'm so sorry," I say again. Because he's right, he probably should have been told before it happened. And so should have Jake. And Leah and Seth.
"If I knew, I would have…" he trails off.
Left, my mind finishes.
My heart clenches in my chest. It feels worse than I did hours ago with Harry and Leah. I'm not even sure how that's possible. And I don't even know why I feel so hurt. He's well within his right to feel this way. I can't imagine the horror of it. Even witnessing Leah and Seth won't actually compare to the real thing. And Sam, as Jacob said, was the first.
I reach out again for him. He feels real underneath my palm, but the watery feeling growing in my brain tells me I need to hold him tighter to make sure.
"I don't think I can do this anymore," Sam's shoulders slump forward.
"No, you can," I immediately say. "If anyone can, it's you, Sam."
His name burns my tongue even though I'm barely producing audible words.
He turns to me finally, the dead look in his eyes still there, but I can see the shine start to gather on them. His eyelids turn red and sore. He looks at me like I'm barely different from a lamp in the corner of the room, but instead of being
"You should leave. I don't want to hurt you."
I freeze. The tingles I normally feel from being close to him, touching him, stop completely.
"Why would you?" I ask in a low tone.
Sam gives out a couple of chuckles, devoid of any mirth at all. His deathly sound shoots fear straight into my bloodstream. Even though the lines around his eyes crinkle, his laughter tells me he's on the edge of insanity.
"I mauled my own mother."
My mouth falls open, but I have nothing to say. Nothing to feel. I don't even have comprehension.
And then it feels so similar to what Edward told me that day in the forest. He's dangerous, he's a killer. I should stay away. I didn't care then. I couldn't picture the faces of who his victims might have been. They were from nearly a century ago. But hurting your mother? I know this is different. I should be afraid here, I should listen to Sam when he says to leave.
But I keep looking at Sam's face, his stupidly perfect, normal face, and I won't leave now.
"What happened?" I whisper.
He shrugs, still out of it, "I got angry. Didn't mean to phase on top of her."
I bite my lip, "It was an accident then. Please don't-."
Sam cuts me off, "There's no excuse."
I'm no place to argue with him. Maybe some things are inexcusable. I still want to protect him from his own guilt though. I know what it's like to live with that and he doesn't deserve it nearly as much as I do. Harry is dead because of me. More people could die. That's inexcusable.
I swallow the anxiety building up below my tongue, "But you won't do it again."
It isn't an order or a question that I speak to him. Just a wobbly acknowledgment that I know Sam would never put himself in that kind of a position again. I've seen him control his anger now. He won't hurt me or anyone else.
He closes his eyes, not saying anything else to me.
Without saying anything myself, we sit in silence for many minutes. I listen to the ticking of his clock and avoid his gaze. He still stares at nothing, but if I look at him while we don't speak, I know I'm just going to burst into tears. It's him who needs comforting now, not me. But I'm so terrible at this. He deserves anyone else but me with him now. My heart hurts so much.
"Those boys are going to get hurt. I can't save them," Sam tells me after a while. "I can't save myself. I can't save you."
"I don't need you to save me," I whisper, deciding to look back up at his wilted form. "I just need you to be there."
Then I finally rise up on my knees and throw my arms around his neck. This time it's his head falling into my chest. The second time we've hugged tonight. My cheeks grow hot.
I say the next part barely audible, "I'll be there for you too."
It feels like a confession that burns itself into my soul. Words I can't take back. Words I don't want to. And it feels different than it felt with Edward, but I throw that thought right out my head before it burns me more.
When I pull back and sit down on my legs still next to the couch, Sam looks a little more alive than moments before. I breathe a quick sigh of relief. Some color is returning to him.
"You don't even know," he says, glowing with some emotion I can't name.
"Know what?"
He purses his lip, "About any of this, really."
I grind my teeth, "But you can tell me."
Sam nods, pressing his eyes together. He looks even more tired than I feel. I wonder how much he sleeps regularly now? Does he eat enough? Of all the things he's gone through, how many people are watching out for him since he has to watch out for so many.
"Jacob told, uh, that it was the Cullens moving here that caused you to…" I can't finish my sentence, my throat hurts from choking on their name. "I'm, just, sorry they did that to you, Sam. I really am."
I don't tell him how I think there's no way they could have done it on purpose. It wouldn't help either of us to say that now.
He looks at me, eyes still shining, "I'm sorry for what they did to you, Bella."
I cough, "Let's not talk about that."
Sam nods, knowing not to press me. Relief floods through me realizing he seems to understand this.
He continues, "If it wasn't Victoria or them, it'd be another. That's what our purpose is. To kill vampires. And their purpose is to kill people. No exceptions."
"They didn't kill people," I shake my head, allowing myself to reference them once again.
And I can see the way his head tilts, how he looks me in the eye, that what he'll say next will shatter me. "There's other forms of killing than just death."
I say nothing.
Sam looks at me, his pupils almost taking up his entire iris. "Leaving you was the best thing they could have done."
"But we have to get them back," I argue. "Or Victoria will hurt more people."
He swallows, "That's not your responsibility."
"I think it is."
He sighs and runs a hand through his head, "Let's not argue about this tonight."
Sam's right, I know. But I hope he knows I'm going to do my best to fix it. I don't know where to begin to contact the Cullens to come back. I'm not sure I really want them to. But if they don't, more people die. It's not the time to be selfish. I've got to think harder than I did months ago even when I was most desperate for them to return.
Now, Sam repositions himself on his couch so his head hits the armrest and his long body across the seat cushions. His eyes barely staying open. It's far from a peaceful posture, but he looks too tired to fight it.
"I'll sleep here. You can take my bed."
I'm about to argue with him, tell him that's far from fair, but his eyes close and his breathing levels before I get a chance. He needs to sleep, but I still find my body immobile. I spend a long time watching him sleep, memorizing his features even more than I already have. Only when the night's experience catches up to me, do I find a small unexposed spot on the couch to lay my head.
I fall asleep with only the feeling of a warm arm draped around my back.
A/N: So sorry this took me an extra week to get out! Work and school starting picking up quicker than I thought. But I still plan to get out two more chapters for the halfway point before the semi-hiatus begins! Thanks for sticking around if you're here!