"I cannot be awake, for nothing looks to me as it did before, or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep." ― Walt Whitman
The mirror in my bedroom still doesn't show me any significant changes to my body.
I don't know why I expected my stomach to suddenly stick out more in the night, but the realization I still look barely pregnant irks me for some reason. My breasts do feel larger and sorer now that I'm paying attention to them. I palm at my belly and wonder if I'm failing as a mother already.
It takes me ten minutes of fiddling with my clothes before I can work up the nerve to go downstairs to make breakfast. I realize that my appetite is already getting a bit better than it has been this semester. I don't know anything about morning sickness really.
I try to make coffee and eggs with my back turned, but my police chief father is too good at detecting shifts in a person's mood. I'm all nerves today. A bundle of hysteria actually.
"You alright, kiddo?" Charlie asks with one of his bushy eyebrows raised.
"Yup," I say, keeping my voice level. Everything is cool.
"Well," he muses. "Alright. Suppose you're staying here for your week off? Or are you working?"
"I work tomorrow," I rush out and then shift my weight on my left foot on the kitchen floor. "Maybe, I'll, uh, do something fun today."
"Fun? Doesn't' sound like you, Bells," Charlie laughs.
"You're right," I smile awkwardly. "Have a good day, Dad."
"Yep. You too."
I text Jessica because I can't just panic by myself anymore.
I need to talk to you...its an emergency
Whats up?
Can I come over?
Sure Angela is here 2 is that OK?
"I think I'm pregnant," I tell them both, holding my arms tight across my chest. Jessica's room feels much smaller than it did when I went over last. The night of the New Year's party. The very thing that got me here today.
'Think' is quite the optimal word here. If Sam is certain I am, then there's no reason to doubt it at all.
I look at them in their eyes for only a moment before I tear away from their gaze. It's enough to see their shock. Wide, alarmed eyes.
"Uhhhh," Jessica makes a sound, unable to string together a sentence.
"Are you sure, Bella?" Angela asks with her soft voice.
I nod.
They both continue to stare at me. I realize this is probably the last thing either of them has expected from me. I've never mentioned another person I've been interested in after Edward. And Sam is far too difficult to explain right now. Still, the recklessness of getting pregnant
"I think I need to see a doctor," I admit. "But I don't wanna go to the hospital here..." I leave it unspoken as to why that is.
Angela looks at Jessica who continues to keep her mouth open. I appreciate Angela's slow
"We can take you to Port Angeles. They have plenty of doctors there. How about that?" Angela suggests.
"That would be great, thank you," I tell her, already feeling my eyes start to gloss over a little bit. I really, really don't want to cry in front of either of them.
"I'll drive," Jessica finally speaks up. "Grab your things, Ang."
The taller girl nods and moves to gather a bunch of stuff in her purse. She's the first one down the stairs as she looks back at us nervously. Jessica pulls me to the side by clutching onto my forearm. I look down at her in surprise.
"There's a place I know there that will help," Jessica whispers to me. "Don't tell Angela, you know how religious she is about this stuff. But it's all gonna be okay, Bella."
The sinking feeling in my stomach as she tells me this doesn't quite register.
We don't say much on the drive. Jessica plays music as a distraction, but it only makes things worse. When we're close to the center of the city, she pulls into the parking lot of a diner that specializes in burgers and shakes. It actually sounds pretty good right now.
"I think we should give Bella privacy for her appointment," Jessica announces, not really talking to either of us. "We'll wait here for you, okay?"
With Angela again at a distance, Jessica tells me how to walk there on my own.
There are so many young girls in the waiting room here. Some alone, some with partners, some with who I guess to be their moms. I think of Renee and know exactly how she'd want me to respond. The thought only makes my stomach grow sourer.
The receptionist makes me consume an entire bottle of water before I can go back to see anyone.
"You are pregnant," the woman who examines me announces. I feel guilty for being too nervous to remember her name. I press my nails into the palm of my hand, not enough to bleed, just to feel something. "I'd recommend an ultrasound scan to figure out a gestation timeline and then to talk through your next options."
She warns me of the cold jelly going on my stomach, but I still cringe when it's applied. She brings a strange device to my slightly thick belly and watches the screen with only an unperturbed expression.
And what's displayed on the machine shatters me. It's a baby. The shape of a real, alive baby. And I see it move. It wiggles inside of me but I can't feel it.
I can hear a 'tsking' sound come from the technician, but I don't stare at her. I can't move my eyes away from the screen. The realness of everything hits me again, a thousand times stronger. A million things go through my mind. All relating to how this small, living creature is doing. Is it okay? Am I doing anything wrong? Will it grow up to be strong? Will it love me as I do it?
And then I cry. I absolutely sob. My whole body shakes uncontrollably.
"There, there," the technician puts a hand on my shoulder as if she's comforted hundreds of women before. "You're a bit further along than most here, but there's still time to make a decision."
I shake my head, flinging tears in different directions.
She passes me a tissue but I only clutch it to my chest as the sobs continue to go through me. I'm grateful that the doctor's chair is padded with comfortable material or I might be bruising my back with how much I'm shaking through my cries.
"It's mine," is all I can manage to whimper out. It's mine. It's incredible. It's more than I ever imagined. It's a whole person. All I can think of is that I couldn't have had this future with Edward. It destroys me further that I wouldn't have known I even wanted this.
The technician furrows her brows at me, "Are you intending to keep the child?"
"Yes," I cry.
"Oh," she straightens up. "Well, in that case, would you like to do a full examination? Measure baby's vitals and pinpoint a due date?"
I nod.
It's hard to keep track of exactly what she tells me, especially as I keep struggling to keep my tear ducts in line. For some reason, pregnancies are not calculated on the date of conception, but two weeks before. There's too much medical stuff to understand. Oddly, I think of Carlisle and how he might explain things much better. Of course, it'd be awfully awkward to have that conversation with him.
One thing that the technician keeps instilling in me is the need for proper nutrition. Something I've never been particularly good at. There are over-the-counter prenatal vitamins I will need to pick up right away.
All of it still feels so overwhelming.
"Should I be this small?" my voice wobbles. I press my hands around the tiny bump sitting on my stomach. The baby inside seems so large compared to what I look like. I wonder if there's enough room. The thought of stifling my child already has me on the edge of another breakdown.
The technician turns to me and smiles, "Sure, it's perfectly normal. You're clearly very thin already and it's your first pregnancy. It can take a while for things to develop. You'll probably see a lot more growth in the next five weeks at the halfway mark."
She gives me something to wipe off the jelly on me and move my shirt back down. It feels much better to not be so exposed.
"I'd recommend letting the father know as soon as possible," she tells me.
"He knows," I rush out. On cue, my cheeks begin to burn.
The woman smiles, "Would you like two ultrasound pictures then?"
The walk back to the diner where Jessica and Angela stay also feels like a still right out of a movie. I look at one of the baby's pictures as I walk. My face is frozen in shock, but if it weren't, there might be a slight smile on my lips. I put the picture back in my pocket with the other as I open the restaurant doors.
They both immediately stand up when they see me.
"Everything's healthy," I tell them, fingering a strand of hair on my shoulder. Eye contact with them still feels like too much.
I can tell they're waiting for more information, but everything being so fresh in my head prevents me from focusing on any of the concrete details. I only know one thing relating to my current state.
"I'm kind of hungry," I laugh awkwardly.
"I'll get you something," Angela announces without missing a beat. I smile at her, grateful for her eagerness to be kind to me. I think maybe I judged them both too harshly when I first moved to Forks.
Jessica watches Angela until she reaches the counter. Then she turns to me with a wild look in her eyes.
"When's your next appointment, for, you know?" she asks, worrying her lip. She looks distressed in a way I wonder whether she's experienced a scare herself before. It would explain why she knew of this place right away. But it's not my place to judge and I honestly don't.
"I'm going to keep it."
"But do you really want it?" Jessica's voice grows low. She keeps flicking her eyes back at me, a pretty obvious sign she isn't sure about saying what she thinks. Not a usual state for Jess. I'm pretty sure I know what she's going to say anyway.
"Because there are other options."
I shake my head, "I don't want any of those."
She huffs a little and throws her auburn hair behind her shoulder. I can see the frustration growing between her brows. "Okay, but what about your future?"
Angela is still out of earshot, but the way Jessica keeps her voice soft tells me she's very afraid of being judged for suggesting this at all. But she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know what the images on the ultrasound showed me. She doesn't know the man half responsible who somehow still reduces me to nothing more than a burning mess.
"Jessica," I take a deep breath, "a few months ago I didn't care if I lived or died. This is my future. I want this."
More than anything.
She stands up a bit straighter, eyebrows fully furrowed now. "I didn't know it was that bad."
I shrug. It is still uncomfortable to talk about.
"Suppose driving off on a motorcycle with a complete stranger was a clear sign…" Jessica laments. My guilt from that night suddenly comes roaring back. It was an extremely cruel thing to do to her.
But there isn't any time to offer another apology. Angela comes back with trays of food and my rumbling stomach doesn't allow for much conversation until I've scarfed down two handfuls of fries. Interesting that I never remembered grease tasting this good. If pregnancy makes everything taste much better, maybe it won't be so scary after all.
I decide to pull out one of the ultrasound pictures currently burning a hole in my pocket. They squeeze together to look at it closer. Jessica then plucks it out of my hand quickly and brings it close to her face.
"Holy crap, that's a human head," Jessica exclaims. "Like with a nose and all that!"
Jessica passes the image to Angela who has a less dramatic reaction. She smiles down at me, "I think it's lovely, Bella."
"Thanks," I reply sheepishly.
I turn the conversation to something else or I might actually die of embarrassment after all.
On our ride back, I can tell Jessica is itching to say something else. I see her fingers tap on the steering while she maneuvers the vehicle. I play a game in my head to see how long it takes her to break. Twenty minutes. Angela seems ignorant to it, or else she doesn't comment on Jessica's anxiety.
"So, you know I have to ask. Who's the dad?"
Crap, I should have seen this question coming. My whole body ignites, "Someone from La Push."
Jessica gives me a very pointed look.
"Not Jake," I hiss out a little too harshly. "You haven't met him."
"Well, I'm gonna have to if he knocked you up."
Angela sighs, "Jess, maybe we shouldn't pressure her on it. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you, Bella."
Stressful and terrifying and somehow amazing.
"Thank you, both," I tell them sincerely. "I really mean it."
"Of course," Angela says. She reaches over from the back of Jessica's car and squeezes my shoulder.
I hug them both tightly when they drop me off and we promise to see each other soon. For now, they're sworn to secrecy to not reveal my secret until I can figure out how to tell anyone else. Which doesn't seem like something I can do soon at all. There's really only one person I should be talking to, but the thought of him paralyzes me still.
My remaining week of spring break is uneventful. I manage to bring my nerves down around Charlie for now. If Mike and his mom notice anything off at work, they don't mention it. I'm close to asking for an increase in hours when I remember that won't happen until I graduate. The need to put together significant funds for the baby weighs on me heavily.
Charlie is again gone on my second-to-last day of break. The morning is almost peaceful as I make myself a cup of tea. Something I rarely ever do. The spring weather could be characterized as tranquil, except for the pollen that seems to irritate everyone's sinuses, of course.
A harsh knocking echoes through the house. I don't remember ever hearing someone knock like this before. Even if I can only recall Sam coming by once, I know I'd recognize his pattern from anywhere.
I finger my hair in an attempt to tame it before I see who might be wanting to talk this morning.
It's Leah.
My cheeks turn upward without me controlling them.
She barges into my house without asking for proper entry but I don't mind. Her tank top and shorts are dirty as always, but I'm grateful she doesn't comment on it. She could probably care less what I wear despite my new condition making it so my wardrobe needs much more attention these days.
I feel myself growing hot and she looks at me up and down. Crap, maybe she wanted me to text her or something. I should apologize or something. But when I go to open my mouth, she interjects swiftly.
"I tried to put off seeing you for as long as I could," Leah almost rolls her eyes in a gesture I instinctively understand to be her attempt at avoiding any compassionate tone to her voice. "But I gotta make sure you're still alive and not threatening to off yourself or something."
She looks down at my middle as she speaks.
"You know," I realize. I instinctively cross my arms over my chest as the shame floods to my face. She doesn't look terribly angry at me, however. But I'm going to have to deal with people's bad reactions whether I like it or not. I think of Charlie and cringe. "Did Sam tell you?"
"I forced it out of him," she admits without any obvious judgment.
"Who else knows?" I ask. I try to keep my voice from shaking.
"No one else. I wouldn't do that to you. And Sam doesn't seem too keen on letting anyone else know."
"H-how is he?" I ask, chewing on my lip.
"A mess," Leah says.
I instantly reconnect with her gaze and she narrows her eyes at me. Hundreds of butterflies swarm through my belly. My hand flies to its natural place there. It's a weird feeling, recognizing this child is literally half him and therefore a part of me wherever I got for the next many weeks. I can't forget him, even if I wanted to. I don't.
"Should I do something?"
Leah scoffs, "Let him get over it."
Get over it how, I wonder. Children are kind of a permanent deal. Well, maybe less so for men. It's one of the misogynistic things society still grapples with. Mothers are left with the brunt of childbearing responsibilities. Still, I don't want to force anything on Sam. I care too much about him to put him in an uncomfortable place.
"What if he doesn't want to see me anyway?" I voice a fear that has crept up on me all week.
Leah looks at me completely emotionless for a long moment. I almost wither underneath her stare. Then she lets out a huge groan, "You people are impossible."
It doesn't seem entirely false.
"Well, you're alive so I guess I'll head out," she says.
"You can stay," I rush out to tell her. I really wouldn't mind her company. I might actually prefer it, in fact. There are too many things to tell her. I wonder vaguely if I should apologize for having a baby with her former boyfriend. "You're welcome here anytime."
She shakes her head, "I think Sam's going to call a meeting soon anyway. Maybe he'll finally get his shit together."
I walk with her back to the front door until an idea strikes me across the face. I'm hot all over again.
"Wait," I tell her.
She pauses, twisting back around with her hand still on the front door.
I think of the second ultrasound picture. I think of what he might want to know. I think, I hope, maybe this will tell him that I do want to talk to him, to see him again. That I'm not upset anymore, if I ever was.
"Could you drop something off at his house for me?"
I pace around in my room, bored and fidgety. Normally, I might read a book on days like these. The constant thoughts of the baby and its needs prevent me from really settling down. Still, I think the technician recommended avoiding unnecessary stressors so maybe reading is the best course of action.
There's the book Charlie got me for Christmas that I haven't touched since. Gone with the Wind.
I remember the passage that ignited a desire within me when I read it. Only now do I realize what that was and who it centered around. No wonder I called him to come to the party with me and Jessica.
Well, since that book got me into this situation, it wouldn't be the most ridiculous to revisit it and maybe think of Sam once again.
But something is off. Something is different about the words that I remember. Rhett didn't lead Scarlett lovingly into their bedroom that night of their fight. It wasn't love at all.
Something in my mind snaps.
Edward's in my room.
I stop breathing.
Only for a second do I think he's real. It's the longest second of my life. I realize soon after that I'm hallucinating him once again. A painful realization. I thought I was past this. All of my progress, all of the hope into my new baby, into Sam, and my weak mind tells me it's all been for nothing.
Tears prick at my eyes as I'm reminded once again that he was real and stunningly gorgeous. The light reflects in his hair, a great golden hue with silvers of rainbows hidden inside. His jaw is more sculpted than those famous Greek statues. He stands perfectly still like one too. I recognize now that his otherworldly beauty is terrifying. Maybe this is what I'd been feeling along. Just terror.
"Bella, please sit down," he says with his voice in that uncompromising tone. The feeling inside me grows worse.
I swallow.
He's not standing facing me. I look over to see what he's looking out. There's nothing there. An itch of curiosity crawls up my spine. I move towards him, stepping very slowly on my floor as I keep a protective hand over my stomach. Each inch forward directly sucks more and more stability out of me. I face him now, but his gaze still doesn't seem to be looking at me.
"What is this about?" I ask.
The words come out of me. I clamp a hand over my mouth. What's going on? Why did I say that?
"Please," he groans.
I don't control it. I sit down on his couch. Is this real? There's no couch in my room. I'm certain of that. Or maybe, not certain but relatively sure. I can't be certain of anything anymore.
My head spins. I clutch my forehead and try to take some of the pain out into my hands. It doesn't work. My vision grows murkier. My bedroom disappears. It morphs into Edward's room, still full of life, books, CDs, from before they left. I've tried not to think of this room for months.
It's only then I realize I'm not hallucinating. I'm in a memory.
Alice and Jasper enter Edward's bedroom not a moment later. She smooths out her ruffled skirt and skips over to me. Jasper's nose and chin tilt away from me like always, desperate to avoid taking in my humanity. My weak flesh and blood that calls out to a vampire. James' scar grows even colder as I rub it.
"Hi, Bella!" Alice sings as she and Jasper walk into Edward's bedroom. Something isn't right. I can barely give them a soft smile.
"Edward says you've been experiencing some anxiety," Jasper chokes out the words.
Immediately, I turn to look at my boyfriend who refuses to look directly at me now. He's refusing to breathe. I can recognize that by now. It's to make smelling my blood less painful. He does this when he knows something more painful is coming.
I look back and forth between all three of them. Their faces are deadly serious. Golden eyes unblinking. Only Alice smiles at me down at me with the rest of her features passive. My stomach churns.
"I don't think-" I start to say.
"About your birthday party, silly," Alice says with the utmost certainty.
"Really, I don't want a party."
And I don't want to get older. All of them know this. Alice has been the most supportive of my transition. I don't see what anxiety or birthday parties have to do with any of this. They stare at me like they know something I don't.
A strange surge of energy comes over me. I'm up on my two feet about to walk out of Edward's room when he finally touches my shoulder and glances down at me. Eyes sorrowful like always. His touch is ice that reaches my bones.
"Do you trust me, Bella?" he asks.
"Of course," I stammer out weakly.
He removes himself from looking into my eyes. Only my nose, my mouth, my neck. I feel bare. I want to share with him the intimacy that only people in love feel. I want it to be real between us.
"Then please stay."
The three of them wait for an answer. I know in my gut there's only one they'll accept.
"Okay," I whisper.
"You can do it now," I hear Alice whisper to Edward.
He looks over at me painfully. His perfect face shouldn't be marked by such a negative emotion. I want to wrap my arms around him.
And then suddenly I feel it. A scent meant to draw me in. Meant to completely overwhelm me. I'm overwhelmed instantly. I don't just want to wrap my arms around him now; I want to devour him entirely. I want him to devour me.
"Wow," I say.
I lick my lips wondering if I can taste it in the air. I can.
"Wow," I repeat.
It wouldn't be right to call this scent the sweetest I've ever experienced. It's not cloying or tooth-aching. It is instead a soft freshness that makes me feel I'm walking on literal clouds.
Edward is the most perfect being in the entire world. Why haven't I been able to sense him this way before? He shouldn't have hidden this from me. Vaguely, I wonder if this is how I appear to him.
"I love you, Bella," Edward murmurs against my ear. So soft, so perfect.
"I love you," I beam at him.
In the corner of my eye, Alice shifts her gaze to Jasper, "We can begin."
"Bella," Jasper's pained voice seeps into my ear, "you're going to feel very happy now."
"I do feel very happy," I laugh. No one else laughs with me.
I tug on Edward's shirt. I want him closer. He's just as immobile as ever. Annoying as ever. Edward's attentions are instead focused on Jasper, whose pained face is only growing worse. I look between them all to try to figure out what is going on.
"You're doing well, Jazz," Alice coos at her husband.
I'd squint at them harder, try to understand their unspoken dynamic always lurking in the background, but all I can do is smile. My cheeks begin to hurt. I don't like this feeling.
"Now you are going to feel calm and content," Jasper whispers.
I nod at him.
There's no reason not to feel calm and content, right?
"Tell us the memory," my boyfriend orders, "of the time at the party."
Instead, I immediately feel wrong. I feel like I want to pull away. Edward's eyes are too intense. The usual golden color has darkened into an abyss.
"Edward, go slow," Alice chastises. She smiles back at me like everything is okay. I want to believe her, but the thudding in my chest still registers as something being off.
"Stay calm," Jasper says.
I try to shake off the cold, invisible hug that begins to surround me. I look down and realize Alice's hands are surrounding my own. I couldn't budge an inch even if I tried. I frown at her. Calm, but confused. Calm and still wanting to leave.
"Bella," her sing-songy voice calls my name, "think back to the time where you were alone and hurt and could have used Edward. Yes, you remember. When you were thirteen."
Blaring music makes its way right into my head. Horribly electronic garbled sounds that feel like my eardrums are a chalkboard being scraped on.
Why am I here?
I remember fighting with Renee. I remember following the lights. They were loud and obnoxious but nothing compared to the music. I remember wanting to leave as soon as I entered the house and feeling a hand on my arm preventing me from leaving. I remember an older boy's hand. There are horribly groaning sounds now. Sounds coming from me.
Alice releases my hands and I desperately clutch at my ears to make the sound go away. I feel tiny scratches stingy on the side of my head
"This is not a good idea," Jasper seethes through his teeth. He tries to tug Alice away, but she is immobile.
How can I hear them when I'm in two worlds at once? Three, maybe. The music doesn't stop. The memory is even more claustrophobic.
"It's all going to work out, I've seen it," she responds firmly.
My hands are in hers again. I try to pull them out, but Alice doesn't acknowledge my fighting. I need to get the sound out of my head. That's all I know. All I know is that I don't want to be in this memory anymore.
A sudden flash to the face of a strange, Arizona high school boy comes into my mind. He pulls on my hands just like Alice does. I know I didn't want to go with him into that room. Why did I have to go into that room?
I feel almost like throwing up.
"Tell us," Alice suggests instead.
"You must think of the pain, Bella. I know you don't want to, but it's really important you do," Alice says.
I feel the hot wetness streaming down my cheeks. My hands are suddenly too heavy to raise to wipe away my tears.
"Why are you doing this?" I whisper.
There isn't an answer.
"Stay calm," Jasper repeats.
A brace goes around my body and my mind thrashes against the restraints. I remember a thousand feathers floating through the air of the cramped house bedroom as I thrash against the pillows.
"I'm here now," Edward coos into my ear. "I'll always be with you."
The memory rewrites itself.
Thirteen-year-old Bella is rescued from the party. There are no more older boys with evil intentions. Edward Cullen's beautiful body, sparkling under the flashing lights somehow singles me out in the crowd.
I know he's an angel right away. His pained but perfect eyes suck me in. I know I'll follow him anywhere.
He leads me outside in the Phoenix night, holds me as I shiver despite the sweltering heat. He presses his lips to my cheek, then to my forehead. And then to my neck.
I look into his obsidian eyes for many long moments. I imagine him telling me he loves me. That I am the one for him. He tells me this as he pushes my head to one side, exposing the flesh on my neck. Then I feel the prick of his teeth enter me. Then I feel it burn.
I think I die.
In Edward's room, everything goes very, very cold. The three vampires are too close to me. The smell I sense from Edward has grown even stronger.
I blink up at him.
I'm not sure what I'm not remembering now. Does it matter? I don't know. Should I care?
I can only feel how still my body goes. Maybe they're changing me after all.
"I can't do this any longer," Edward growls. "I can't see her like this."
"Yes, Edward. Go hunt for now," Alice says without even sounding like she's directly talking to him.
Then he's gone.
I know because the delicious smell he carried with him leaves the room. My stomach lurches in its absence. My knees press up into my chest in an attempt to make the hollowness leave. All I feel is more darkness and confusion. I want him back, why did he have to leave?
What has been going on?
"This was not the right thing to do," Jasper presses. "What if she does not recover?"
"It's going to make her more receptive to him when he comes back, Jazz. He might think he'll stay away for now, but I know he's going to return to her," Alice answers.
Return? Why would he leave?
I can't move, but I can feel the tears never ending.
"Bella," Alice sings my name. "Can you hear me?
Her voice is a thousand wind chimes now. More melodies than I've ever heard. If I focus enough, I know I could listen for decades. Like a churchgoer desperate to commune with God. A deity always just out of reach.
"Bella," she repeats.
My head buzzes. I can't see anymore. I blink repeatedly but the images don't return to me. There isn't a room anymore. There isn't Edward or Alice or Jasper. All that remains is a whisper of a voice calling me into a void that I know I'll never be able to get out of.
"Forget."
I don't understand what she means. But something deep within my brain agrees with the conditions. I try to fight it as long as I can. I'm too weak, too human. There have been so many emotions passing through me this night that the ability to feel much else is quickly dissipating.
"Forget."
I did.
But I remember now.
Epiphany, sorrow, freedom. Shock, grief, agony, relief.
And pain.
Mostly, just pain.
Any wall holding up reality has dissipated around me. I looked into the truth. Or maybe the truth looked into me. I'm not sure Bella exists anymore. There isn't a version of me that's real. The memory replays in my head, but slowly it fades too until the jumbled images of that night coalesce into one truth: I know why Edward was in my head for so long.
I might spend hours on the floor. Or minutes. My perception of time disintegrates.
There's knocking on my door again.
I don't want to see Leah or Jessica right now. I don't want to see anyone. Maybe Charlie locked himself out and it would be even worse to come up with an excuse to my current state to him. It wouldn't be a lie to say it's about Edward. Edward and so much worse.
Each step I take to the door doesn't feel like my own. I'm less than a zombie. I crave returning to my bedroom floor. Everything feels heavy and sore. I wonder if the baby inside me is doing alright. But I am so powerless to protect him now.
The door opens without my conscious effort. A blond figure waits.
The most beautiful creature I've ever seen stands in front of me once again. Ethereal, haunting, inhumane. Her beauty isn't like Sam's, who seems connected to the earth itself. She exists in a different plane altogether. Something between heaven and hell. My stomach lurches at the look of a vampire right now. The objective truth of her beauty doesn't change what I now know they are really capable of.
"Hello, Bella," Rosalie says to me.
"What are you doing here?" I gasp for breath, my eyes burning with the hundreds of unshed tears I still have within me. Some still leak through, but it would be pointless to wipe them away and look composed in front of a being who exists as a goddess all the time.
"I know what happened."
Her frown tells me it's true.
"Oh," I cry.
Another piece of me snaps in half. I push my hands into my face in an attempt to protect my crumbling dignity. I'm sure it does no good.
Her pained voice continues, "Alice saw you would remember. There was a large fight within my family upon discovering what they did. I insisted on being the one to see you first."
"Mmm," I rock back and forth on my feet.
"I don't know how to offer a large enough apology. It was cruel and unforgivable."
One of my hands slides out to push the door open to give her space to enter. I don't check to see if she follows me as I make my way onto the green couch once again. It strikes me that months ago I spent so much time on this couch crying over Edward. Perhaps it's my destiny to do it again, even for entirely different reasons.
Rosalie grabs one of the blankets pushed to the side and drapes it over my shoulders. Gently, she rubs my back a little bit. I almost freeze up from her closeness. Does knowing what she does about me suddenly change how she regards me? I know she doesn't like me. I cry more at the thought this is all a ruse.
"I'm not going to make you see Alice or Edward if you don't want to. Carlisle, Emmett, and Esme all agree that what the others did was horrific. There's a fracture in our family now. But I do know everyone is going to wish to apologize to you, deservedly."
I push away from her on the couch so I can stare at her porcelain face.
"What do you mean?" I croak out.
Her frown deepens. I know the meaning.
"They're all coming?"
I can't, I can't see them.
Rosalie looks at me with the greatest look of pity anyone ever has. I cover a hand over my mouth and sob again. She explains to me that there wouldn't have been a way to prevent this outcome.
"Oh God," I try to shake as the burning in my lungs gets worse. "Victoria."
The vampire in front of me doesn't look surprised. "Alice saw that too. We're not going to let her get close to you. Especially considering your current condition."
For the second time this day, someone knows of my baby before I could even tell them. I feel even more flayed than before. Entirely decimated. Rosalie doesn't look at me with condemnation though. She stares at where my hand rests with something akin to concealed awe. It doesn't do any good, I continue to shake as my eyes and throat expel more torturous emotion.
"But, but," I babble as I try to tell her that it's not just me she needs to protect. There's a whole town of people. Family and friends. Instead, the only thing that comes out of me in a croaked voice is one name, "Sam."
Rosalie's eyebrows push together, but only for a single second. She's smart enough to figure out why I might be calling another man's name. A name that feels much more right now. A name that represents a tangible future.
She rests a cold hand on my shoulder that I shudder at, "It'll be alright. You might not believe me, but I have an idea of what you're going through."
I look up at her through watery eyes.
But suddenly her face scrunches up in disgust. I've seen many irritable looks come from her, but this is now different. It's the mark of recognizing a foe. Instinctually, I panic that he's here right now. He didn't listen. He decided to come early anyway. I cannot see him.
"What is that horrible smell of dog coming from outside?" she grits out.
I realize immediately who it actually is. I remember being told how badly vampires smell to the wolves. It must go the other way. Oh, God. I grip onto Rosalie's arm, frozen and rock solid. But I grip on like my life depends on it.
"Please, please don't tell him!" I beg. "Not right now."
She looks at me quizzically, not understanding my meaning. My throat shuts down and I lose the ability to beg anymore. My life flashes before me.
"I won't let anyone hurt you or your baby, Bella," her golden eyes look into mine with a truth stronger than I expected from her. It's enough for me to let go of her and drop my arm to the side. It falls weightless and heavy all at once.
"Stay here, everything is going to be fine."
I hope she's right.
A/N: Sooooo yeahhhh. This was my plan from the beginning to explain Bella's extreme reaction to Edward leaving, and also to give a reason for them to return that didn't involve cliff diving. I sort of combined the headcanon that being around vampires for so long messed with Bella's head and also Jasper's power making her more susceptible to suggestion. I hope I pulled it off okay and it isn't too dark *cries in shame*