A little more insight into Killian's past.

Thank you for my beta and artist thejollyroger-writer for correcting my mistakes!

Enjoy!

Chapter 9: Make Me Feel Calm

The Guild assigned her a new room so that she could be comfortable for a longer period of time. True, she only got two doors down and resided in the same corridor, again next to Killian. Her other neighbor, however, was Mary Margaret, with whom David was a regular guest. Throughout the afternoon, while the Hunters were at a meeting, she and David stayed with Mary Margaret. David decided to skip the meeting to be with his girlfriend, trying to distract her until she could finally fall into a peaceful slumber. He remained with her while Emma slipped back into her own room to unpack her things.

She was almost done when unexpectedly David, true to himself, barged into her room without knocking. Seriously, she would hang a bell around his neck one of these days.

"I heard you'd a vision." He dropped one of the empty gym bags on the floor unbidden and threw himself on the bed.

"You heard right," she replied with a nod without turning around, and continued to organize her books on a shelf.

"So, what did you see?" he questioned her further, stretching out comfortably on the bed.

"Sorry, I'd rather keep that to myself." She shook her head.

"What?" David barked. He sprang up and walked towards her. He took hold of her arm to turn her around, and she saw his eyes flash with anger.

"Have you lost your mind? What's your problem?" Emma snarled, trying to free her arm from his grip with little success.

He was frightening her with his behavior, suddenly acting like a complete lunatic.

"Killian is my problem. And the thing that's apparently happening between you...or will happen," he hissed in her face. "I know the vision was about him! I don't like you defending him."

"What makes you think the vision was about him?" She raised an eyebrow.

Her arms were starting to go numb, but she refused to whine.

"August told me," David admitted.

Her jaw dropped, because she hadn't even met August today, and the last time they'd seen each other he still couldn't see inside her head. Or he'd lied.

"And how would he know that?" She looked at him, curiosity shining in her eyes.

It could also be that David was just bluffing, but then how the hell had he found out? Something was fishy. Maybe August had betrayed her after all, and if that was the case, Emma vowed to rip those pointy little ears off him the next time he came into her sight.

They'd grow back anyway.

"It was just a hunch, or so August says. I, on the other hand, am sure he had it right. His abilities are developing rapidly, but he doesn't trust them yet. I do, and how right I was. His intuition was correct!"

"You're amazing, David. Do you want a pat on your back? Or a cookie?"

She could see he was seriously annoyed by her behavior. "Stop it!" He demanded, but the grip on her arm loosened. "So, what did you see about Killian?"

"I'm not going to tell you." She shook her head.

Emma didn't even understand exactly why she was hiding it from him. She felt like she owed Killian at least that much, and she didn't want to reveal anything about his life to anyone. It hurt him enough, even without it being public knowledge.

"Is there something going on between you two?" David whispered, but he braced both palms next to her head on the dully-squeaking closet door. In the dim lamplight, David's face became downright frightening.

"Don't be stupid."

"So there is."

"No, there isn't!" she growled. "I've no idea where you're getting this bullshit from."

"I'm not blind, I see the way he looks at you, Emma! I'm a man, I know what that means."

At first, Emma thought he was joking, but his eyes and expression remained grim."Then put on some glasses, because your eyes are deceiving you," she suggested, grumbling, trying to get out from under his arm, but he didn't let her.

"I know what I saw. I'd be happiest if you found someone who loved you like Neal did. But Killian isn't that guy. He's dangerous, no one trusts him…"

"You don't even know him!" she admonished him.

She barely recognized her brother in the person who now stood before her. He'd never been judgmental, and now he wasn't even giving Killian a chance to prove himself. "And you know him even less. He's unpredictable. We don't know anything about him. Where he comes from and… Emma, even we're afraid of him. Even the Council thinks he's dangerous. You haven't seen him in combat. It's frightening. I think he considers our training a joke. He came to the Hunters like… I don't know where he learned to fight, but I wouldn't want to be his enemy."

Emma could tell David was being honest, but she didn't care. As far as she was concerned, she trusted Killian. She had no idea why, but she just couldn't imagine anything terrible about him, and she firmly believed in her intuition.

"Please, avoid him as best as you can."

"Okay," she lied without flinching. "All right." She knew she was failing to convince David, and she knew he wasn't going to convince her about Killian either. "So, what was this meeting you skipped about?" she asked instead, trying to dispel the slightly tense mood.

"Nothing good," he muttered, and, his face became even more troubled, if that was possible. He flopped back on the bed and stared at her as she continued to unpack.

"Can you elaborate?"

"The Vampires have openly declared war," he whispered dejectedly.

The clunky encyclopedia twisted from her grip and hit the floor with a loud thud. Her eyes widened in shock. "What?"

"It was expected," David said with a shrug.

"They broke the treaty and made the Werewolves and Dark Elves their allies. We know they wanted the light ones on their side, too, but they're sticking with us. The Dwarves and Forest Elves are waiting things out. The Vampires are choosing a leader now, but we should expect attacks soon. We've tripled the number of patrols in the city and in all the lands where we've a presence. But we can't expect anything good…"

She couldn't fall asleep, she lay restless in her bed and only David's words passed through her mind.

We can't expect anything good.

By eleven o'clock at night, she could no longer stand being idle. She climbed out of bed, got dressed, and slipped out into the hallway. Her head was beginning to throb, and she hoped a little fresh air would do her good. Coolness and silence so she could think about the events of the last few days.

She didn't dare stray too far from the dilapidated hut - who knew what was lurking nearby, and for her, as a novice Seer, even a wild boar would be a serious threat. She hated herself for her helplessness, but there was nothing she could do about it.

The sky was clear, and the stars shone beautifully up there, as if someone had sprinkled glitter on the jet black sky. The air was quite mild, the bone-chilling cold a remnant of the past. The harsh February was chased away by the blooming March. Slowly, she traced circles around the house, savoring every breath. Even her headache seemed to be subsiding.

She'd finished her third lap around the house when she noticed a narrow path disappearing into the abundance of trees. She didn't understand why she hadn't seen it before, nor the fresh set of footprints on the muddy path.

She didn't think she could be in any danger and instinctively started walking down the trail. She held her arm in front of her face to protect herself from the branches.

The wind suddenly picked up, and the leaves on the trees shivered as if the whole forest was letting out a sigh. The silver moonlight and shadows began to dance wildly, and the air suddenly became piercing. She stopped and looked around, startled, but not a soul was near. She was alone and only slowly realized how far she'd ventured. But if she'd come this far without any trouble, why couldn't she go further?

She looked back to where she'd come from, and then to the unknown section of the forest that still waited for her. An owl hooted somewhere above her, and she hurried on. She wasn't intimidated by a little wind and some wild birds.

The wet ground and the loud rushing wind benevolently muffled the sound of her footsteps, and she quickened her pace. To her amazement, the trees soon thinned, until she reached a small clearing. She'd not known there was a lake here in the forest, though she'd lived in this area for as long as she could remember. She stared, transfixed, at the gently rippling mirror of the body of water, where she could see the pride of the glittering night sky; the glow of the stars.

The crescent moon cast a piercing light on the lake and its shore, which was surrounded on all sides by trees. She glanced over to the other side, where a lone figure knelt right by the water. They lowered their head and seemed to be watching their reflection. They didn't notice her, and she couldn't recognize them from afar.

As if her limbs had taken on a life of their own, she walked with quiet steps toward the figure in the shelter of the trees, keeping her eyes on the stranger. The person didn't move, just stared ahead, and as she got closer and closer, she realized with a mixture of delight that it was none other than Killian.

But what could he be doing out here in the middle of the night?

Pulling herself together, she stepped out from the protection of the forest and walked silently to stand beside Killian. She stopped right next to him, but he didn't even look up, instead staring fixedly at the mirror of the water and her reflection in it. He didn't look surprised, a small, strange smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"What are you doing here?" she asked in a whisper, though she knew that not a soul lurked in the woods.

"I'd ask you the same thing. This is my spot." He smiled at her as she settled down beside him.

"I couldn't sleep, so I came out here to take a walk. Then I saw your footprints." She shrugged, only now taking a closer look at his face, and to her amazement she saw tears glistening in his eyes. His face was wet. He was crying. "Killian…"

"I'm alright, lass," he laughed bitterly, quickly wiping his face and eyes with the sleeve of his black sweater.

On his lap there was an old, black and white Polaroid photo, its edges already tattered and the back was quite yellowed.

Without asking, she took it wordlessly in her hand, and Killian didn't protest, watching her face expectantly.

The photograph showed a boy sitting in a huge leather armchair with a baby on his lap. She guessed the boy to be around five or six, but the little one could only be a few months old. The boy smiled, and the baby spread out his tiny hands and laughed enthusiastically at the camera. Someone had scrawled the date of December 6, 1992 in the lower left-hand corner of the photo.

She looked up questioningly at Killian, who by that time was staring off into the distance. He must've sensed her looking at him because he sighed and glanced at her again. "My half brother and I," he nodded at the photo.

"Where is he now?" she asked cautiously.

Killian rummaged in his pocket with a trembling hand and fished out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Before answering, he offered her one as well.

"Thanks, I don't smoke," she shook her head and stared at the picture again.

If she squinted a little, she could make out Killian in the boy's features. She'd to admit, he was an adorable kid, with his tangled disheveled mop of hair.

"Quite so," his lips twisted into a smile, then he sat the pack aside and lit the cigarette in his mouth.

"You shouldn't either," she remarked, and Killian just shrugged.

"It calms me."

She didn't argue. If he took pleasure in it, she wouldn't interfere.

"So where is he now?"

"I have no idea." Killian shook his head.

"Oh. And...your parents don't know either?"

"This photo was taken in 1992. In 1993, our house burned to the ground. My father burned to death inside and my mother died of smoke inhalation," he replied, his voice hardening and becoming brittle.

Emma didn't know what to say, but Killian didn't give her much time to ponder on an answer. He continued on. Now that the first few sentences had finally bubbled out of him, Emma anticipated that everything else would break out as well.

"My brother and I survived, but we'd no grandparents or any other relatives who could have taken us in. I was seven and he was two. We lived on the streets for about a week, then it became clear we couldn't go on like that. We were going to die if we didn't do something. But only bad luck found us." he laughed bitterly. "We were taken to an orphanage, thanks to a well-meaning old lady. She thought we would have a better place there. But that wasn't the case."

Killian blew smoke rings in the air, then continued. "We barely made it without starving or freezing to death. The orphanage was privately owned and no one cared what they did to the three hundred unfortunate souls who'd been put in the institution. It wasn't ideal for my brother either, despite the fact that he wasn't yet forced to work. I was nine when I first had… symptoms of my illness," Killian lowered his head, clenching his left hand into a fist and tried to take a deep breath.

"What illness?" she asked in a whisper when the rest of the story didn't come.

She touched his shoulder uncertainly, stroking it gently to encourage him to continue, but his whole body was tense and stiff. He flinched as soon as her fingers touched him. She withdrew her hand and ran her fingers through her curls as she felt a blush creep onto her cheeks.

"Sorry," she murmured, almost to herself. She felt like her face was slowly going up in flames.

"It's alright. It's just unusual," he shrugged. "So...I haven't a clue what to call it so you'll understand better. I just labeled it a disease because that's what it feels like to me. There are certain points… beyond which I can't control myself, and during those times I have no regard for anything. The first time something like this happened was when my brother's shoulder broke. It was in the courtyard of the orphanage. An older boy pushed him off the jungle gym and left him lying there without telling the educators. He was crying, howling in pain. I had to take him to the… let's call it the doctor's office. A reasonably nice nurse gave him painkillers and took care of his shoulder. I was still patient then. But at dinner, they laughed at him in the cafeteria. I'm not proud of it, but I beat them quite badly. I was nine, and they were, if I remember correctly, about fourteen or fifteen. I think I broke six bones in three of them. I had to work all night for a week, not just after classes. We were taken to some construction site. As soon as my brother was five, he had to work too, but because we were half-brothers and he didn't have the same strength as me, he couldn't take it. He was so small and fragile. One day we ran away. We weren't starving this time because I realized how fast and strong I was, so stealing came easily to me. It was then that my magic began to appear. We had a good time then, we were happy," Killian smiled at the memories that popped up in his mind's eye.

"I was eleven and he was six. It was a very hard winter, and we didn't have anywhere to go on Christmas Eve. My brother was complaining all the time, and I was overwhelmed. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I know he was screaming and bleeding and I was yelling at him, and in the end I didn't want to see him anymore. I wanted him to run away and never come back. And my brother listened to me as usual. I haven't seen him since," Killian's voice trailed off, a tear slid down his face and he sighed staccato.

"I… I really loved him, I didn't mean to hurt him. But like I said, I'm a monster. I'm not even sure he didn't die from the injuries I caused him. I stayed in that town for half a year, looking for him every bloody day. Then I left. I wanted to escape. I couldn't stand the memories flooding me everywhere I looked. So I ended up in Grayhill, a remote little town in England. I spent my first night in the park on a bench. At least, I fell asleep there, but woke up in a warm room. Nemo Dakkar and his wife, Rose, took me home. They adopted me soon after, but I decided to keep my birth father's name. They really loved me in their own way and it was good with them, but mostly because I met Kristoff and Milah. They attended the same school nearby. It's true that I only missed one year, but it was hard to catch up with the others. Kristoff and Milah helped me…"

Killian glanced at his reflection again, as if he were lost in the memories. Then he lifted his eyes at her again and she stared at him expectantly. "I had to start from the beginning, otherwise you wouldn't have understood what Kristoff and Milah meant to me. To tell you the truth, I've never told anyone about it before," he muttered, his expression cast down.. "Bloody hell, I shouldn't have told you either."

"I'm glad you did. Go on, please…"

"Are you sure you want to know? It's not as important as you think, it was a long time ago…"

"It's important to me, Killian."

"Why? Why are you even paying any attention to me?" he stared at her desperately.

Emma stood her ground unshakably, raising an eyebrow at him. "Do I really have to explain?"

Killian's lips pulled into a weak smile and shook his head before continuing. "So, Milah and Kristoff. They were my first and only friends after my brother. Kristoff didn't know about me, nor Milah at first. I did my best to keep it a secret. But then, we decided to build a bunker and I got exposed in front of Milah. I was a fool. Kristoff had to go home early, so only the two of us stayed there. There was a larger piece of concrete in the way that had been transported there from a nearby construction site. It could've weighed about five hundred pounds, and I pushed it away with one hand right, in front of her. She made me tell her everything, just like you're doing now." He glanced at her, mirth dancing in his eyes despite the tone of his story. "She didn't tell anyone. Not even a word. She knew everything about me, I was an open book to her. I think I loved her. That's all you need to know about Milah. And now I would really like to know what was in your vision."

She had to gather her thoughts and try to process everything she'd just heard. "I was at your school — I mean, I got there through the vision. It was a hot summer day. You were sitting on a bench, waiting for Milah. As it turned out the day before, at that particular bunker in the wilderness, you did something together that you shouldn't have. Kristoff and Milah's father found out. Do you remember that day?" she asked quietly.

"Like it was yesterday," he nodded grimly, then paused, leaving them in the silence of their surroundings, until: "How much did you see?" he asked at last.

"Until Milah's father stabbed you and you passed out," she answered hesitantly, glad she didn't have to recall the whole story.

Killian curled up, buried his face in his hands, and didn't move for a few minutes. She didn't even dare think about what he might have been through. But her curiosity didn't abate, now she wanted to know everything.

"But how was it possible that you didn't heal? And… how did you survive?"

He didn't answer immediately, but slowly raised his head. "I'm not a full-blooded Elf, and I was very young at the time, not all my abilities were working yet," he explained. "Kristoff came back later, he helped me, but then… He saw what I was doing, and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Two days later, Nemo had a heart attack and died. Rose broke down completely. I was just a burden to her. I'm not proud of that either, but I ran away again."

The follow up didn't come right away, and Killian didn't look like he wanted to add anything else, so she collected her thoughts and peppered him with questions again. She firmly believed he would be relieved when he finally let it all out. "And then? What happened? Where did you go?"

But he only turned his head away and shook it imperceptibly. She wanted to touch him, but she was unsure if it was a good idea. Her hand hesitantly stopped in the air halfway between them. Eventually, though, she withdrew it and let it fall into her lap.

The wind picked up again, sweeping more violently across the clearing and the lake. She shivered, but the cold had nothing to do with it.

"I don't think it's a good idea to tell you everything, love. I have no clue why I even shared all that in the first place. It was foolish."

"No, it wasn't. And if you want to know, you told me all this because somewhere deep down you wanted me to know. If you already started it, why not finish it?" She tried to send an encouraging smile but he didn't look at her, instead nervously ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair.

She didn't give up, however. She sensed that the important parts were yet to come.

She dipped her hand into the water of the lake and drew small circles on the surface with her fingers. Killian watched her movement wordlessly, then sighed deeply. He closed his eyes as they both listened silently to the whisper of the night. Emma watched his face and now for the first time in the moonlight, she found it ethereal. No matter how hard he tried or how many times he told her, he no longer frightened her.

"I hadn't the foggiest where I was going. I just wanted to get as far away as possible," he spoke suddenly.

He lit another cigarette, but she had no intention of warning him off it.

"I hitchhiked to the nearest port. It was marvelous. I found a rather old and rotting ship there, along with an old man and what I assumed was his rather depleted crew. I asked if I could join them and accompany them on their next voyage. I had to help them with the work, but in turn I could travel with them for free. There was a roof over my head again and food in my stomach. I went with them without question, even though I had no clue what their destination was. I didn't even ask, and didn't particularly care. Not even when we finally docked. At dawn, I stepped ashore again, it was still dark, maybe two or three in the morning. I don't remember everything clearly, there are some hazy spots. It was very cold and I couldn't see far in the fog. I made my way into town, which was completely deserted. I had no idea where I was going, I didn't understand the posters on the walls or the street names, but I was sure I was somewhere in Northern Europe, a Scandinavian country. Sweden maybe. Or Norway. Possibly Finland. Honestly, I didn't care, I just kept walking. I didn't know what I was looking for, maybe my destiny was driving me. In any case, I would have saved myself a lot if I had stayed on the ship that night. An hour later I noticed I had company. They had probably been following me for a while. I was exhausted and inattentive, it wasn't hard for them to corner me. There were three Vampires and I was their potential dinner, or breakfast. They thought I was going to be an easy prey, but I managed to slip from their fangs the first and second time. I should have known they would catch me anyway. But they didn't want my blood, they wanted me. I was carried to their little congregation that night. Their leader, Zelena, forbade them to infect me and offered me to join them. There were every kind of creature; Elves, Vampires, Werewolves, some Lycanthropes, Mages, a couple of Forest Elves. There, it turned out to be Finland, the rules were very different. The strong survived, the weak perished. Zelena's sister, Regina, persuaded me to stay with them."

He shook his head bitterly. She could see he was angry, full of hatred. He sighed staccato, trying to calm himself.

"What happened?"

"Most of them were bounty hunters, professional killers. Executioners, assassins, whatever you want to call them. They fed on death. They offered to teach me everything I needed if I joined them and I wouldn't have to be afraid of anyone ever again. That I'd be able to do things I didn't even dare to think about. All I had to do was work for them and obey them. In everything. I didn't know then what that would actually entail. That was the price and I paid it. I didn't think about what it would truly cost me. If I could, I'd take it all back, but at the time I was driven by ambition and wanted others to acknowledge and fear me. They didn't follow any rules, knew no bounds, and did as they damn well pleased. And they're growing in number every day. They're our enemies now, Swan. If they succeed in taking over…" he closed his eyes and shook his head, barely visible. "No one would be safe anymore. The time I spent there was like a nightmare. "

He fell silent, his head full of unpleasant memories, and cracked his fingers nervously. Then, with renewed vigor, he continued. "They taught me how to use all kinds of weapons. Guns, swords, bows, knives, anything that I needed to survive on my own. They taught me to hunt all kinds of beings. They taught me to kill with my bare hands, with a single blow. I was with them for more than ten years, dealing with Zelena's every whim. I obeyed them in everything. By the end, I felt like there was nothing human left in me. I was horrified at what I had become. I murdered without question, tortured people, and slept peacefully at night as if nothing had happened. At the time, I still thought everything was fine. Then, one evening, I found this photograph," he waved the item between his fingers. "My brother never entered my mind after I joined them, but that night he did. It was like waking up from a nightmare, memories flooding me like an avalanche. My parents, my brother, Kristoff and Milah, what my life was then… and what I'd become. I felt sick to my stomach, there were no words for what I'd done. I lived happily in the filthiest infestation and only then did I understand what I'd gotten myself into. I knew it was too late, but I wanted to get away. I did what I have always been good at: escape. Again."

Abruptly he fell silent once more, searching for the right words.

"And you did…"

"Aye. That was three months ago now," he replied grimly.

"And then you came to us."

"That's right. But it doesn't matter. There's no excuse or forgiveness for what I did." He looked up at the sky.

"But you regret it…"

"That won't bring back the many people I killed. I understand if you're disgusted by me. In truth, I'm quite surprised you stayed and listened to me at all."

"You don't disgust me." She shook her head. "You are a good man, Killian. I think. Just…"

"I'm not, Swan. You can't justify what I did. A good person always knows what is right. For instance, would you have accepted their offer? Hm?"

Now Emma was the one turning her head away. Of course she wouldn't have done it, she knew Killian had made a mistake back then, almost eleven years ago. But she couldn't hate or despise him for it. He was still so young, and what he'd been through... Others didn't get a quarter as much blow from life as Killian had as a child.

"No, I wouldn't have accepted it," she finally sighed, reluctantly, knowing that there was no point in lying now. "But your situation was different, Killian. It's also a miracle you got through it all without going insane. It's not about who you were, it's about who you are now and where you're going."

"Don't tell me it doesn't bother you at all what I did…"

She remained silent again. To be honest, she just couldn't find it in herself, nor did she want to hate him. No matter how many times he told her, she firmly believed that he was a good man who'd simply gone astray and was now trying to make up for his past mistakes. She'd a deep respect for that. He was capable of getting up and starting over.

"No! It can't... You'd better go, Swan. If your brother finds out you're here with me, he'll grow furious again." His voice hardened and he stared rigidly at the lake. He raised his walls back up again.

"But…" he surprised her with his sudden change of mood. She just thought she had finally understood him. "Killian, what's wrong now?"

Forgetting the previous incident, she tried to touch his arm again, but this time he was prepared for it and evaded her hand, standing up so fast she almost fell backward. She stared at him with wide eyes. What the hell had gotten into him?

"Go back to the house, Swan. Now!" he almost shouted.

His voice sounded like an electric shock, and she flinched back in trepidation. His look was even more frightening, one she had never seen before. He was clearly angry now, but there was fear and reproach in his expression.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want…" She had no idea what she was apologizing for, so instead she kept silent.

She thought it would be good for him to have someone to talk to, someone to listen and care. Maybe she'd been wrong. Her and her guardian angel complex.

"Get the bloody hell away from here!" Now he was yelling, and she knew it really would be best if she left.

She tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes and as she stood up and turned her back to him. But she was unable to contain her emotions, and two rebellious tears escaped without her consent. She didn't look at Killian, but quickly wiped her face and started running back into the woods and to the path that led to the house. She didn't look back.

But why did it hurt so much? It shouldn't have.

Finally, she got under the cover of the trees and increased her stride. The branches scratched at her arms, but she wouldn't have slowed down for the world. But the sound of running footsteps made her pause.

Killian.

She turned hopefully, but there was nothing behind her, the noise came from ahead. Without thinking about what she was doing, she immediately took a right turn, stepped off the path and plunged into the trees. She didn't want to wait and see what else lurked in the woods besides Killian and her. She glanced over her shoulder from time to time, but no matter how many times she craned her neck, she saw no one. She slowed her pace, then slowly stopped, trying to force herself to calm down between the many curses that left her lips.

How could she be such a…? Was wuss the right word?

Then she heard it again, closer this time. But now she couldn't gauge which direction the sound was coming. Then it was silent again, only a soft sigh, right behind her back. She froze, and then a hand gently grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. Her gaze landed squarely in Killian's eyes. There was none of the earlier anger in them, yet she gasped and staggered back.

How the hell had he done that?

"Forgive me," he reached for her carefully.

She'd no idea what to do or say, she just stood there staring at him. He touched her shoulder and slowly, tentatively — giving her plenty of time to free herself from his hold — pulled her closer, then hugged her tightly.

For a while she just stood there, motionless, arms at her sides, staring in wonder at the dark silhouettes of the trees over his shoulder. Then, coming to after her initial shock, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I apologize for earlier. But I… I really shouldn't like you." She could barely understand his muttering as he buried his face in her hair.

"Why? Why shouldn't you… like me?" She rested her head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't push her away this couldn't be mad at him. She just couldn't. But this was dangerous, it shouldn't happen again.

"It's not right. I can't — We can't," he shook his head, as if his answer would make everything clear to her. Instead, she was even more confused.

"More secrets?" she sighed, closing her eyes.

She had no idea how he did it, but she calmed in his arms, despite his words of warning.

Killian didn't answer, and she took that as a yes. She decided she showered him with enough questions for the day. There's always tomorrow for more.

"You make me feel calm, Killian. Why can't we be… friends?"

There it was. She'd finally put it into words, though not yet the whole truth.

"It's too late…" he lifted his head and looked her in the eye. Neither his words nor his gaze were decipherable.

What had he meant by that? Why was it too late?

He just looked at her, sadness and despair shining in his cobalt eyes, and his gaze didn't waver for a moment. His gaze fell to her lips, and in an instant, warmth flooded her entire face.

So this was what he meant by late. And David was right once again.

Killian leaned a touch closer, examining her lips and gaze, as if he were waiting for her to push him away, or punch him or run away again. But those didn't even cross her mind. She wasn't going to back down, it wasn't in her blood.

The wind freshened with a roar, and Emma hoped it would cool her flushed face. But suddenly, Killian backed away at the last second. She could almost feel his lips on hers, his breath on her neck and face as he pulled back. She looked at him in frustration, but he turned his head away.

She'd had enough and glanced up at the dark sky for some heavenly advice, or patience. Maybe he was proving to have more common sense and it was better that way. She didn't need another man who would eventually abandon her. She shuddered at the thought. Only Neal alone stayed with her and didn't treat her like a disposable rag doll. She thought that there would never be another man who appreciated her the way he did.

Maybe she was right.

"We should get back. You need to rest."

They strolled in silence, Killian leading them back to the house. The silence this time was soothing and familiar rather than uncomfortable. She felt, and sometimes saw, him glance uneasily back over his shoulder at her again and again, his eyes troubled and torn. She couldn't decide whether he was afraid of himself or of her.

Maybe she'd been mistaken and there was someone else for her?