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Chapter 13: Alone
December 13, Monday
Hoboken, New Jersey
Rosalie
Am I surprised he left?
Yes. Even though I knew he wanted to go, and that Jasper had unintentionally put him in a place where it would be difficult to say no to going home to Forks for the holidays, my mind still has a hard time processing that Emmett had bought a ticket and left two days later without me.
Can I blame him for leaving?
Absolutely not.
Despite how angry I was when he left Friday morning, I know why he did. Ignoring the hole in my chest he left behind in his wake, as difficult as it has been the last few days, I can understand why he made that decision.
This is what I do when I feel my control start to slip away from my grasp, and even my husband is not safe from my path of self-destructive behavior. I've been this way since I was a child, shutting down on myself and everyone else in my life when life becomes too hard, and years of therapy have helped me to at least be able to recognize when I'm about to self-sabotage.
Still waiting for the day when I stop myself from ruining relationships altogether, but I'll save that battle for a different day.
Monday evening, like the rest of the days since Emmett has been gone, finally crawls to a stop at what feels like an eternity's pace. I had spent the hours at work, using it as a way to keep my mind occupied and off the fact that I would be coming home to an empty house.
Is it really that different when he's here?
It's a thought that makes me feel more and more guilty with each sip of wine. It goes down bitter and dry, dull, like the way my life has suddenly become.
My life wasn't always like this.
Swallowing down a fresh wave of tears, my eyes freeze on the mantle above the gas fireplace, landing on my collection of holiday snow globes from years past. They're all still so beautiful, even after all this time, each one bringing on a different memory.
All with the same person.
Sighing out loud as I wrap myself into the blanket on the back of our couch, I settle against the throw pillows and close my eyes and allow myself to just remember.
It's not something I allow myself to do often; it won't change anything for us. But every now and then, remembering allows me to feel something other than sadness.
Once upon a time, we were happy together. So happy. And each year, at the beginning of the season, a new snow globe would appear on the mantle, each scene inside the beautiful ball of glass mirroring a new chapter of our lives together. Career. Engagement. Marriage. Keys to our new apartment. There was no loss, no grief, no December 7ths separating us from each other and the life we dreamed we would have.
But my heart can't forget that the snow globe Emmett gave me last week should be different. I should see three figures, two tall and one small, inside the snow globe this year, sprinkled in fake snow and silver glitter.
Our apartment should look different this year, full of toys and baby laughs, and maybe even the sound of tiny little feet pitter-pattering against the floor.
But I hear nothing.
I've lost everything. My husband. Our baby.
Even myself.
Realizing she's on a path of self-destruction may be the wake up call she needs to reach out to the one person that could help her through her loss the most.
Tomorrow, be prepared to share your favorite holiday shenanigans - this crew is hitting the town tomorrow night! It'll be a double posting day too! Woohoo!