Chapter 17: Baby Steps

December 16, Thursday

Forks, Washington

Emmett

It has only been a handful of days in my childhood bed, and I remember, easily, why I had hated it so much.

My feet dangle off the edge, my neck is craned against pillows that are too firm, and my back aches every morning when I wake up. To say I've outgrown it is an understatement, and I moan and groan my way to the coffee pot as the house begins to stir. Years of waking up at the crack of dawn to catch a train into the city for work has trained my body into waking up naturally with the sun.

A small, uncomfortable bed helped do the trick, as well.

Stretching as I wait for the coffee to brew, I look out over the kitchen window, eyeing the gray sky. For days it has looked as if the clouds were ready to explode their winter storm on us all, and in true Alice fashion, she's predicted that day will come, though not quite yet. Sighing, I wonder if I should use the weather to my advantage and hit the trails while I'm here.

Maybe I'll be able to find some answers somewhere out there in the fresh air.

Because fuck, I could really use some answers.

I thought coming out here without Rose would be good for me. For both of us. And while the days here have been nothing short of amazing, I realize just how badly I fucked up.

I miss my wife.

My fingers hover over my phone, itching to type those words out and send them to her in New York. I want to tell her how Christmas in Forks just isn't the same without her here.

I see her ghost in everything I do. I hear the somber tones people use when I tell them she won't be joining me this Christmas.

I should have told her I was going. Should have bought her a plane ticket anyway, even if she would have thrown it back in my face for even thinking such a thing.

But I tell her none of this. Instead, I send her a text with a simple Good Morning, even though it's closer to noon where she is right now. I have to believe it's better than nothing.

"Can't live your life chasing all the 'should-haves,'" Edward states with a sigh as he passes me on our trail. He's here for one more day before heading back to Seattle for work and had decided to join me on my hike when I told him earlier I was thinking about heading out. "That's all you'll do for the rest of your life. Chase."

"I'm trying not to," I sigh heavily, trudging forward as we hike casually in the woods. "It's hard though, when I haven't had a Christmas home without her since college."

Edward nods. "Yeah, I feel it, too. Rose definitely completes the circle." He looks over at me sheepishly. "Sorry."

"No, no. You're right. I just –" I trail off, shaking my head as if I still can't believe this is my life. "What am I supposed to do? When we lost the baby a year ago, I never thought I'd lose her, too. I never thought she'd pull away from me."

"And she won't open up to you? Has she talked to anyone about all this?"

"She's been seeing the same therapist for years," I reply. "But that's mostly it. She's thrown herself into nothing but work, so maybe she has someone there she can talk to, but I don't know. I hope she does."

"And it doesn't help that while she's been working overtime for the last year, you've been struggling to find a job. Complete opposites."

"Complete opposites," I repeat. A gust of cold, fresh air moves across my face, and I take the opportunity to let it rid me of the negativity taking over my head. "Unlike you and Bella, huh?"

Edward laughs out loud, his hands in his pockets and his head thrown back in amusement. "Jury's still out on that one. We may be exactly that. Opposites."

"But you know what they say about opposites," I remind him as we begin to make our way back down into town.

"We'll see," he shrugs, tight-lipped as always. Every now and then, in moments like these, the boy afraid of being abandoned once again sneaks through the surface he has expertly constructed over time. But I can see through it, and I know when to push him past his limits and when to stop.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I reach to answer it, hoping it's Rose. "Speaking of Bella, Jasper just texted me. Her car won't start, and he asked me to take a look at it."

"I think I'll join you," Edward says with the confidence I recognize from back in our college days.

But I'm barely listening to him as a text from Rose flickers across my screen.

Good morning, Em.

… With a picture of our first Snow globe to accompany her words.

Rooting for these two like whoa! Tomorrow, tell us about your favorite road trip experience!