Summary: Harry tries to keep his sanity while dealing with Quidditch and the idiots who are his friends.
Ch 1
"You're picking McLaggen?" Ron asked, still in shock.
"Of course. I am." Hermione said.
"In case you forgot, i decked him in front of the quidditch team and Minerva." Harry said.
"And why did you do that?" Ron asked.
"He insulted Minerva. I wasn't gonna let that happen." Harry said. Hermione only raised an eyebrow. Why would he risk being kicked off the quidditch team because someone insulted his head of house?
"Right. Harry, you've practiced with him. Anything you can tell me about him?" Hermione asked, ignoring the fact that Ron was also a quidditch player.
Harry pulled out a flask and began to drink from it.
"He's an insufferable ass, Hermione. There are times when i want to grab a beater and send a bludger flying towards him, just so i can get rid of him for a few minutes. Fighting Voldemort sounds like a better alternative!" Harry exclaimed, stabbing his food with a fork in exasperation.
"If he's such a pain in the ass, why don't you kick him off the team?" a familiar voice asked.
"Believe me, Minerva. I checked all the quidditch rules and the hogwarts rules so i could find a loophole. Can't find any. And besides, McLaggen has made the team and has done nothing to warrant being kicked off the team." Harry bemoaned, now feeling a pair of hands massage his shoulders.
Harry let himself fall backwards into the mystery person's body as they continued to massage his shoulders.
"Better?" the person softly asked.
"Better. Thanks, Minerva." Harry calmly said. Only for his body to tense up as he realized who was behind him. Harry quickly stood up and turned around to face his teacher.
"Oh, Professor. I didn't know you were there." Harry said, seeing Minerva smirk at him.
"Sure you didn't. Sit down, Harry. We got plenty of time on our hands." Minerva said, sitting next to him.
Needing to clear his head, Harry pulled out some paper and began to discuss the next quidditch match with Ron.
"Here's what we do. We move here, here, and here…" Harry droned on, drawing on the paper with a quill.
Minerva observed the two quidditch players, seeing Ron stuff his mouth with food as he occasionally said 'yes' and 'got it' to Harry. Harry on the other hand, only barely touched his food as he was scribbling the plan on the paper.
Minerva raised a finger, gently caressing his cheek as Harry finished his plans for the next game. While she was looking at Harry, she failed to notice the hostile glare Hermione was giving her.
"So that's it?" Ron asked, downing some syrup. Harry had to blink twice at the scene.
"Yeah. That's it." Harry said, downing some juice.
"I think it's a good plan." Minerva said, watching as Harry turned to see her.
"Glad you approve. We've been kicking ass lately, and i intend for it to stay that way." Harry said, eating some toast.
"Harry, you need to eat more. But not as much as Ron. Speaking of him, how do you think Ron will perform today?" Minerva asked.
"I think he'll do just fine." Harry replied, though confused at the question.
"You sure? Every time i consume syrup, my hands get sticky. Then again, maybe Ron's mastered the art of consuming syrup and keeping his hands sticky free." Minerva added, seeing Harry laugh.
"I doubt that. But the syrup might help him stay on the broomstick. I heard the weather will be a little windy. But that's no problem." Harry replied.
"Of course. By the way, we've been on quite a run since you became the seeker for the team." Minerva said, playfully ruffling Harry's hair.
"I have you and Draco to thank for that. I still owe you for the Nimbus 2000." Harry said, watching as Minerva scribbled a note and quickly handed it to him.
"Tell me later. You and Ron better get going. You'll be late for the quidditch practice. I hear McLaggen might lead the team if…"
"Over my dead body!" Harry all but yelled as he ran out of the great hall.
"He's got issues." Hermione said.
"He's not the only one." Minerva said, directing her eyes at Hermione.
"Really, professor? Harry's been acting strange as of late. He suddenly takes interest in transfiguration after you help him create that new broomstick of his. He decks Cormac because he insulted you. And there are times when he isn't in his dorm for the entire night. Professor, what's going on between you two?" Hermione asked.
"Nothing that should concern you, Ms Granger. Harry is in good hands." Minerva assured.
"Sure. Good hands." Hermione said, making a rude gesture with her hands.
"Like i said, it doesn't concern you." Minerva curtly said, standing up to leave the great hall.
Hermione didn't know why she was watching the Gryffindor quidditch team practice, especially with Lavender sitting a row ahead of her, constantly telling Ron that she loved him or that he was doing great. Needless to say, it was only distracting Ron.
"Ron, focus!" Harry yelled, snapping a finger in front of him.
"Right. I'm focused, Harry. I'm focused." Ron said, getting in position in front of the goalpost.
Needless to say, Ron was barely focused. Harry knew that unless something happened, they weren't going to win the next match, let alone the quidditch cup.
And said match came quicker than Harry could think.
"Professor, i thought we weren't going to have quidditch until after the holidays." Harry said.
"Blame Dumbledore. It's out of my hands, Harry." Minerva said.
"Shit." Harry muttered, pulling out his flask and drank from it.
"Is the team ready?" Minerva asked.
"All but two players. I'm betting you know who they are." Harry said.
"Ron and Cormac. What's the deal with them and Hermione?" Minerva asked.
"Here's what i can figure out. Hermione is jealous that Ron and Lavender are together. And she's picked Cormac as her date for the Slughorn christmas party. Why, i'm guessing it's to make Ron jealous. Here's the conclusion i've come to. They're both fucking idiots! And they deserve each other! I tried talking to them, but i can't get anywhere with them. I'm hoping you can knock some sense into them." Harry said.
"Afraid that's out of my hands, Harry." Minerva replied. Harry emptied the flask down his throat in response.
The match began, and Harry watched as his team and the Hufflepuffs were at each other's throats. Ron batted away any quafflers that came into view, making sure his team had a fighting chance, but Cormac was yelling at the rest of the teammates trying to give them advice on what to do.
"What on earth is he doing?" Minerva muttered.
"Bullshit, Professor. He's doing bullshit." Lee Jordan said.
After a nasty play committed by McLaggen, Lee Jordan began to yell and shout curses at the quidditch player, prompting Minerva to temporarily relieve him of his position.
"Potter, who the hell decided to have Loony announce the quidditch games?" a Hufflepuff chaser asked.
"Beats me. I'll check it out." Harry said, heading to where the teachers were.
"Alright. Which one of you idiots decided to have Loony announce the quidditch games?" Harry asked.
Everyone pointed towards McGonagall.
"We'll talk after the game, Minerva. Heads up!" Harry suddenly yelled as a bludger raced towards him. He pulled out a spare bludger bat and knocked the bludger away from everyone.
"Harry, why are you carrying a spare bat?" Minerva asked.
"Ask Cormac!" Harry responded as he went to help his comrades with the game.
Seeing the snitch, Harry dove after it as fast as he could. The Hufflepuff chaser couldn't keep up with him and Harry grabbed the snitch, ensuring another Gryffindor victory.
After the quidditch match, Harry entered Minerva's room, seeing her reading in front of the fireplace.
"Minerva?" he asked.
"Hello, Harry. So what do you mean you have to thank Draco for your quidditch career?" Minerva asked.
Sitting next to Minerva, he gave his answer.
"Remember the first year when you saw me ride the broomstick? I was chasing Draco because he grabbed Neville's remembrance ball. He threw it high into the air, and i chased after it. Was this close to crashing into your office when i got it." Harry said, grinning at the memory.
"I remember. And i just realized that if you weren't fast enough, i'd be in a world of hurt, and Draco would most likely be suspended, if not expelled. Funny how the world works." Minerva said, downing some butterbeer.
"I know. I noticed you and Hermione were chatting just as i was leaving. What were you talking about?" Harry asked.
"Nothing of interest. So how do you like being the team captain?" Minerva asked.
"I'm liking it. I honestly never thought i'd go from being a nervous recruit to leading the team." Harry said.
"I know. I was in position to be the head of the team myself, unfortunately a bludger put me out of commission. Fucking Slytherin." Minerva spat.
"I bet you'd make a great team captain. I do have one question to ask." Harry said.
"What is it?" Minerva asked.
"Why did you put Luna to be the announcer for the quidditch match?" Harry asked.
"Act of desperation, Harry. Lee was running his mouth off at Cormac." Minerva answered.
"Cormac's an idiot. You asked why i carried an extra beater's bat with me. During training, Cormac had the brilliant idea to think he was a beater and knocked one of the bludgers towards my head. If it wasn't for my skills on the broomstick, i'd most likely be dead right now." Harry said, opening his flask and drank from it.
Minerva grabbed the flask and drank it as well, tasting the liquid inside.
"Pumpkin juice mixed with Durmstrang vodka. Interesting combo. Why are you hitting the sauce, Harry?" she asked.
"Cormac being an idiot, and Ron and Hermione being even bigger idiots. I'm the only sane man who's surrounded by morons." Harry sighed.
"So you've turned to the bottle for help." Minerva said, tossing Harry his flask back.
"Turned to you, and the bottle. Now i know what you teachers go thru." Harry said.
"You said you still owed me for getting you the Nimbus 2000. I'm calling that debt in." Minerva said.
"What do you need me to do?" Harry asked. Minerva didn't respond, but stood in front of Harry and shed her clothes. Harry gulped as he looked up at the green-eyed goddess in front of him.
"On the bed, now. And put these on. One on your ankles, and one on your wrists." she ordered, handing him a pair of handcuffs that apparated out of nowhere.
Harry did as she instructed, seeing the cuffs immediately hold him against the bed frames.
Minerva straddled Harry as he was fully inside her.
"Just lay back and enjoy the ride." Minerva said, gently riding him. Harry thrusted upwards, matching Minerva's pace as began to ride him more ferociously. Minerva felt herself come close to losing control. She grabbed his hands and clenched them tight in a vain effort to hold off her impending orgasm, but that wasn't enough. Her body shook with pleasure as she climaxed, feeling Harry fill her up with his seed.
"That was amazing. Harry." Minerva said, kissing Harry.
"Well, i aim to please." Harry replied, watching as Minerva playfully slapped his chest in response.
…
"Ron can snoggle anyone who he likes." Hermione said, angrily putting books away. Harry looked at her with hesitation. Since when did Hermione let her emotions take control? That was Harry and Ron's job in the group.
"Hermione, it's been months since they've gotten together. Why are you still flipping out over it?" Harry asked.
"Because they snog whenever they get the chance. It's quite annoying." Hermione spat, slamming some books down. He had to agree with Hermione on that end.
"Jesus, 'Mione. Why don't you give Ron a love potion if it'll help your situation?" Harry muttered as he pulled out his flask and began to drink from it.
"Listen. I already got someone. It's you we have to worry about. You can't take just anyone. See that girl over there? She's been trying to smuggle you a love potion." Hermione warned, as Harry looked over her shoulder, seeing his secret admirer.
"Really?" Harry asked.
"She's only interested because she thinks you're the chosen one." Hermione informed Harry.
"But i am the chosen one." Harry cockily said, only for Hermione to slap him with a bundle of paper.
"Right. I'll find someone. Someone cool." Harry replied.
Harry brought Luna to the party seeing Hermione hiding behind some curtains.
"Hermione, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Hiding from Cormac." Hermione said.
"I warned you about him." Harry said.
"I know. I thought it would help to make Ron jealous, but he's so…" Hermione started.
"Insufferable, egotistic?" Harry deadpanned.
"Yes. You've got to help me, Harry." Hermione said, grabbing the chosen one.
"I'm gonna call Lord Voldemort to help me with this." Harry said.
At that moment, a waiter came in holding a plate of dragon balls.
"Dragon tatar?" he asked.
"No thanks." Hermione said, slightly disgusted.
"Thought so. They give one terrible breath." the waiter warned.
"On second thought." Hermione said, grabbing the plate and began to swallow as many of the balls as possible.
Harry eyed the curtains, thinking that Ron and Hermione were idiots; idiots that were perfect for each other.
"Oh god. Here he comes." Hermione gasped. Harry stood in front of Hermione as she made a quick escape thru the curtains.
"I think she went to use the ladies room." Harry said to Cormac.
"Slithery little minx your friend. How are you and McGonagall?" Cormac asked.
"Excuse me?" Harry asked, as Cormac grabbed some of the dragon tartars and began to eat them.
"What's this i'm eating?" he asked.
"Dragon balls." Harry said.
At that moment, Snape abruptly moved the curtains aside and Cormac fell to his knees and vomited all over the professor's shoes.
"You just bought yourself a month's worth of detention, McLeggen. Not so quick, Potter." Snape droned on.
Snape delivered his message to Harry and abruptly left the party. Harry shrugged his shoulders in response. A song was playing, and everyone was finding partners to dance with. A familiar pair of hands was felt on his shoulders, alerting Harry of her presence.
"Dance with me, Harry?" Minerva asked.
"Love to, Minerva." Harry smiled.
Harry led Minerva thru some dancing, spinning her around and even dipped her a couple of times. Minerva looked down at Harry, seeing how happy he is at the moment. For a brief second she contemplated kissing him in public, only for him to initiate said action by planting his lips on hers.
"Get some, Harry!" Cormac exclaimed, only to see Harry flip him off.
…
After Slughorn's Christmas party, Minerva headed inside the Weasleys' Wizard shop for her own mission.
"Professor. Never thought we'd find you here." Fred said.
"Good to see you boys. I'm proud to see you're doing well here." Minerva said, as she looked around at the active shop.
"Thanks, professor. So what's your poison?" George asked.
Minerva headed to the love potions, picking up a couple in her hands.
"Aren't you a little old for that, Professor?" Fred teased.
"One is never too old for love." Minerva retorted.
Picking out the potion she wanted, she also bought a box of chocolate and made a quick run back to Hogwarts. There, she spent the next few nights hard at work as she injected the love potion inside the many pieces of chocolates.
She knew one thing for certain; Harry wasn't a big eater like Ron or other students. If her plan was to work, then Harry would only have to eat a couple of pieces in order to be greatly infatuated with her.
Minerva entered the boy's dormitory and found Harry's bed. She put the chocolate under the covers and quickly left before anyone could see her.
"I hope to god Harry eats them and no-one else." she muttered.
But Murphy's law would rear its ugly head.
Entering his dorm, Harry saw Ron staring into space with a love-struck look on his face.
"Ron, you okay?" Harry asked.
"The moon, it's quite beautiful, isn't it?" he asked aloud.
"Had ourselves a little late night snack, did we?" Harry asked, seeing the candy wrappers tossed around. He knew that Ron had a sweet tooth. But there was a reason Harry never touched the box of chocolate.
"Thought i'd have one." Ron said.
"Or twenty." Harry retorted.
"I can't stop thinking about her, Harry." Ron said.
"Honestly, i thought she was starting to annoy you." Harry said, putting his books away. Ron quickly sat next to Harry on the lone bed, saying how he could never be annoyed.
"I think i love her." Ron stupidly nodded, while Harry was tempted to back away and stun Ron.
"You think she knows i exist?" Ron dreamly asked.
"She better. You've been snogging each other for the past three months." Harry said; at least he and Minerva always held their meetings at night and away from prying eyes.
"Snogging? Who are you talking about?" Ron asked.
"Well who the hell are you talking about?" Harry asked.
"Minerva. Minerva McGonagall." Ron said.
"Right. Very funny." Harry said, beginning to pick up the mess Ron left in the room. Annoyed, Ron stood up and threw the box of chocolates at Harry.
"What was that for?" Harry asked.
"Don't make fun of me. I'm in love with her!" Ron exclaimed, standing to face Harry.
A look of horror dawned on Harry's face as he realized who was behind the tainted chocolate. Forming a fist, Harry quickly knocked out his best friend and took Ron to Slughorn's office. He made a mental note to talk to Minerva later.
"What happened?" Slughorn asked, seeing Harry holding an unconscious Ron in his arms.
"Love potion, sir. I had to knock him out." Harry said, putting Ron on a chair.
"You did the right thing, Harry. I'm surprised you came here. With your skills at potion, you could easily have handled this yourself." Slughorn said, as he brewed up a solution.
"I thought i'd be better to leave this in your more capable hands, sir." Harry said, as grabbed the finished potion.
It didn't go as planned, as Ron was now foaming at the mouth and having a seizure as his body rejected the medicine Slughorn created. With no other choice, they headed to the medical ward, where Pomfrey cured him.
"What's happening? Where's my Ron-ron?" Lavender asked.
"He's been poisoned, you daft dimbo." Hermione pointed out, ignoring the scathing look Harry gave Minerva. Minerva maintained a stoic face, but it wouldn't last long if Harry asked questions.
"Hermione." Ron muttered as his body began to heal. Lavender could only tear up and leave the medical ward, lightly sobbing.
"Oh to be young, and to feel love's keen sting." Dumbledore said as an afterthought.
"Amen to that, professor." Harry agreed, pulling out his flask and drank it.
Minerva also drank from the flask, only to be pulled away by Harry. He quickly slammed her against the wall, covering her mouth so she couldn't make a noise.
"What the hell were you thinking, Minerva? For trying to slip me a love potion, that was a stupid move." Harry snarled.
"I never thought that Ron would eat it. How many chocolates did he eat?" Minerva asked.
"I'd say around half the box." Harry said.
"Oh shit. Those were supposed to be for you, love. I should have thought it out." Minerva said.
"Here's some advice. Next time you want to slip me a love potion, do it during breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Perfect opportunity to spice my drink or food. And where did you get a love potion anyway?" Harry asked.
"From Fred and George's shop." Minerva deadpanned.
"I see. And given how Ron was acting while under the influence, i can guess you put a lot of the stuff in each piece of chocolate." Harry said.
"You eat less than Ron does. It's a miracle he's still alive." Minerva muttered.
"Just keep my advice in mind." Harry replied.