Shepard had realized she was falling in love with Liara T'Soni shortly after the events on Noveria. She caught herself thinking about the asari at random times, wondering how she would react to this or that. She'd never really been one for history, but she could listen to the doctor talk about the Protheans for hours, and it wasn't because of the subject material.
The problem was that Shepard didn't know how to be anything but a soldier. She'd grown up in the Alliance, and it was the only life she'd ever known. She didn't know how to stay in one place, commit herself to a single person. So she distanced herself, buried the yearning in her heart. She told herself that now wasn't the time for a relationship anyway, not knowing what waited for them at the end of all of this. If Liara noticed that their conversations became fewer, she didn't say anything.
Hell, she was probably glad for it. Shepard wouldn't blame her if that was the case… if she had watched someone kill her mother she wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with them, either. So Shepard watched Liara from afar, always at arm's length. And if anyone noticed that she went out of her way to always make sure Liara was safe, well… She did that for all of her crew, right?
Shepard was adept at coping with physical pain. It was part of being a soldier, after all… Bruises, cuts, strained muscles, and broken bones came with the territory. N7 training had taught her how to take the pain and redirect it to purpose, to move through it. She was better at it than most. So, punching some monstrous alien whose race she had never even heard of before right in the face? Easy.
Emotional pain was a different monster altogether.
She could feel the stranglehold around her heart tighten, threaten to crawl up her throat as she watched Liara and Feron embrace, touching each other's faces affectionately and reassuring themselves that they were both alive and together again. When Feron bent to kiss Liara Shepard had to look away, unable to watch her hidden desire given to someone else. She told herself she'd lost her chance at that a long time ago.
It didn't help.
As Feron and Garrus left to check the power systems, Shepard moved to Liara's side at the bank of monitors. "Sure you'll be ok here?" she asked. Any subject but the one she wanted to talk about. The one she'd hidden, but never completely buried.
"It'll take some adjusting," Liara admitted. "But I think we'll be able to turn it into something good. Something that can help." She smiled at Shepard, and the commander had to make a conscious effort to still her racing heart. "I'll feed you all the intel I can."
Shepard nodded and looked down as a message pinged her omnitool. Power systems were green and Garrus was headed back up to the shuttle. "Time to go, I guess. Don't be a stranger, all right? Normandy's door's always open for you." She offered Liara a lopsided grin and a one-armed hug.
The asari was having none of that, though, and wrapped both of her arms around Shepard. "Thank you," she whispered, and Shepard had to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat. With a final nod, she broke the embrace and headed for the door.
Feron stood at the airlock, waiting for Shepard with her helmet in hand. "I owe you a great debt, Commander," he said in his gravelly voice. "I cannot thank you enough." He held his hand out, and Shepard shook it before accepting her helmet from him.
"Just… take care of her, Feron," she said softly, looking back over her shoulder at Liara for a moment. "Keep her safe. Please."
He gazed at her, black eyes scrutinizing. "You love her." It wasn't a question. Shepard hesitated but nodded her head once, a choppy motion absent of her usual grace. "She never told me," he rasped, conflict showing on his features. He looked as if he wanted to say something else for a moment, but then it passed.
"That's because I never told her," Shepard whispered. "I'm a soldier, Feron. It's all I know. I can't… I don't know how to be what she needs. I never have." She looked at the floor, trying to keep her composure. "Just promise me… please."
Feron nodded once. "You have my word, Commander."
"That's all I can ask for." Satisfied, Shepard put her helmet on, the seals hissing shut, and left her love behind again.
"This isn't exactly what I was expecting when Hackett told me you two were here doing research!" Shepard shouted over the Cerberus gunfire that had them pinned down in the Mars library.
"Well it wouldn't be a proper Normandy reunion if we weren't all being shot at!" Liara yelled back snarkily. Shepard heard Ash snort in response, and shook her head as she and Feron took turns covering each other to reload.
"James, ETA?" Shepard popped up over the table they were camped behind, emptying another clip at the seemingly endless supply of Cerberus soldiers.
"Seven minutes to the LZ, Commander. Gonna be a hot extraction."
Shepard ducked back into cover as she popped the thermal clip from her rifle. She looked down to grab another-
And froze as she saw Feron's hand clutching his side, covered in blood. Not wanting to alert Liara, she tapped him on the shoulder, gesturing to the wound. He clenched his jaw and shook his head.
Shit shit shit shit shit. "Liara, is that download almost done?" Shepard hoped her sudden desperation didn't bleed through her words.
"Just about… got it!" The asari answered, triumph in her voice.
"Ash, take Liara and head to the door, we'll cover you," Shepard commanded. "On my mark. 3… 2… 1… Go!"
Shepard and Feron picked off enemy after enemy as Liara and Ash sprinted for the door, dropping back into cover as both of them ducked into it. Weapons clicked as thermal clips popped out and were replaced.
"We're ready when you are, Commander," Ash said over the comm. "Say the word."
Shepard looked at Feron, his jacket now soaked in blood, a puddle of it on the floor, and muted her comm. She leaned close so he'd be able to hear through her helmet. "Can you follow me?"
Teeth gritted, he nodded, and Shepard clicked back onto their radio channel. "All right. Ready… now!" She stood, hauling Feron to his feet with her, and dashed forward. She nearly stumbled as her belt caught on something, but regained her balance and sprinted for the door, shooting blindly around her as she went. She turned as she cleared the opening, ready to catch the drell, but… he wasn't there.
"Feron?" The name left her lips at the same time Liara spoke it, and horror dawned on Shepard as she saw him still in cover, holding her grenade belt, surrounded by Cerberus agents that were rapidly closing in.
"Take care of her, Shepard. Be what she needs." He took a grenade in each hand, priming them.
"Feron, don't be a fucking hero!" Panic rose in Shepard's throat as she was reminded of her conversation with him after they'd defeated the Shadow Broker.
"Promise me, Shepard!" He roared, tossing the grenades over the table and grabbing two more.
"I… You have my word." She bit the words out, knowing what this loss would cost Liara.
"Thank you. Now go!" Feron reached behind him to the control console and slapped at something, and the door slammed shut in front of her face.
"Feron!" Liara wailed, slamming her fists against the door. It killed Shepard to drag her away, knowing she'd loved the drell, but she wasn't about to let Feron's sacrifice be in vain.
Feron was gone. Ash was in a coma. They'd stabilized her the best they could, and Joker was still pushing the Normandy to her limits to get them to the Citadel as fast as possible. Leaving James to watch over Ash, Shepard guided a silent Liara up to her quarters to get her out of her armor. Wordlessly, she removed it piece by piece, stashing it in her locker for the moment.
She was working on the last few buckles to Liara's chestplate, trying not to look at her tear-stained face, when the asari finally spoke. "Why did he say that to you?" Her voice was hoarse, rough from crying.
Shepard freed the last buckle and turned, placing the armor in the locker, and started removing her own, considering her words. "I don't know," she lied.
"Bullshit." Shepard turned, surprised at the profanity that Liara so seldom used. "I know both of you too well to think that was a meaningless exchange, Shepard. Tell me."
Shepard turned back to the locker, stowing a gauntlet and moving on to a vambrace. The muscles in her jaw worked as she bit down on her tongue and counted to five before trusting herself to speak again. "We're not having this conversation right now," she muttered.
Muttering more curses under her breath, Liara moved to Shepard's side and started removing the armor from her other arm. "I just lost the person who was going to be my bondmate," she growled, tossing the pieces into the locker with a thunk, and Shepard winced at her words. "You are going to tell me."
Shepard bent to undo her boots and kicked them off with more force than was necessary. She undid the buckles on her legs on the way back up, letting them fall to the floor, and reached for the ones on her side. "He loved you, Liara, he just wanted to make sure you'll be protected-"
"Shepard."
Every muscle in Shepard's body stiffened as she ripped her chest plate off and threw it into the locker. She slammed the door shut, leaving her hand pressed against it, and dropped her chin to her chest, her entire body trembling with the effort of keeping still. "Liara, please…"
"TELL ME."
Something in Shepard snapped. "Because he knew I'm the only fucking person in this goddamn galaxy who loves you as much as he did!" She spun around to face Liara, the words ripped from her unwillingly. She finally looked Liara in the face, seeing tears begin anew yet follow the same paths down Liara's sooty face. She sighed and pressed a hand to the bridge of her nose, unable to stand the pain in the asari's eyes. "We can't have this conversation right now," she said. "We're both exhausted, you're grieving, and we'll both end up saying things that we don't mean." Shepard stepped past Liara to the dresser, retrieving two sets of clothes. "Showers first, then sleep." And with any luck you'll forget what I just said afterward.
Liara took the clothes that Shepard handed her, studying the commander's face even as Shepard avoided her gaze. "And then we'll talk?"
Shepard sighed heavily, dread settling around her heart, and nudged Liara toward the bathroom. "And then we'll talk." How the fuck am I going to get out of this one…
Exhaustion was finally showing on Liara's face when she came back out of the bathroom. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying, and Shepard's heart broke in a dozen different ways knowing that there was nothing she could do or say that would make any of this easier. She settled for ushering Liara towards the bed, pulling the blankets back so she could get underneath them and then gently covering her up. "Try to sleep," she said softly. "I'll be back in a few."
Shepard made quick work of her own shower, a habit borne of necessity from spending most of her life in space. She kicked their compression suits and towels into the laundry vac tube before walking back out of the bathroom, hoping to find a sleeping asari.
Instead, Liara was curled into a ball, sobbing into a pillow. Shepard spared a quick glance at the couch, where she had been planning on sleeping, and sighed, crossing the room to the bed. She slipped under the covers and pulled Liara into her arms, tucking the asari's head under her chin and holding her close. "I'm so sorry, Liara," she whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't save him."
If Liara heard her, she gave no indication, only continued to sob into Shepard's chest. The commander held her a little tighter, unsure of how else to help her weather this storm. Gradually, Liara's sobs slowed, and her trembling body calmed, until her breathing finally evened out and Shepard knew she was asleep. Unwilling to extract herself lest she reawake the asari, Shepard closed her own eyes and let sleep take her.
She woke to the smell of coffee wafting through the room. She pried one eye open, finding herself alone in bed and Liara sitting on the couch, datapad in one hand and coffee mug in the other. A second mug and a carafe sat on the table, waiting for her, and Liara looked up as she caught Shepard's movement out of the corner of her eye. "Good morning," she murmured, offering a small smile.
"Morning." Shepard rubbed the sleep from her eyes and rolled out of bed, making a quick trip to the bathroom before sitting down on the other side of the couch and pouring coffee into the extra mug. She nearly inhaled the first cup, enjoying the warmth as it traveled down her throat, and refilled the mug before settling back against the cushions. She sneaked a glance at Liara over the rim of it, noticing the smirk the asari was trying to hide. "Something funny?"
"Some things just never change. I'll never understand how you drink that first cup that fast." Liara answered with a shrug.
Shepard replied with one of her own. "Habit. Gets the caffeine into my system faster." She stared at the empty fish tank on the opposite wall, almost afraid to speak again. She still wasn't sure what she was going to say about the words she had blurted out the night before. "Did you sleep all right?"
"Better than I'd expected. Thank you," Liara said. Shepard answered with a nod, still not looking at her, suddenly extremely interested in her coffee mug. But Liara wouldn't be dissuaded so easily. "How long, Shepard?" she asked quietly.
The commander huffed a long sigh, and for a few moments Liara thought she was pretending that she hadn't heard the question. But then she finally answered, equally as quiet. "Noveria."
Liara inhaled sharply, and Shepard risked a glance at her. The stunned stare was all she needed to see, and she looked back down at her coffee before Liara spoke again. "Why didn't you say something?"
Shepard grunted and took another sip of her coffee, trying to gauge the best way to answer and deciding on the truth. She owed Liara that much. "I was afraid," she admitted. "I'd just killed your mother, right in front of you no less. And I didn't…" Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, trying to center herself. "I've never known a life that didn't revolve around war. I know how to fight, how to kill. I didn't- I don't- know how to be in a relationship. And given the choice between telling you how I felt and possibly losing you altogether, or keeping it to myself and still having you around… I chose the latter." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, both hands wrapped around her coffee mug, and finally looked up to meet Liara's eyes. "After we beat the Shadow Broker I asked Feron to take care of you, keep you safe, and he… guessed the rest."
A fresh sheen of tears had appeared in Liara's eyes. "Shepard…" she whispered.
Shepard shook her head. "Don't. Don't say anything, please." She set the mug down on the table and pushed both of her hands into her hair in helplessness. "I didn't know how to be what you need, Liara. I still don't. But if you need something, and it's within my power to give you, I will."
"Commander, we're on approach to the Citadel."
Shepard had never been more glad to hear Joker's voice in her life. "Have a medical team meet us at the dock, Joker."
"Aye aye."
She turned back to Liara. "Later?"
Liara nodded, understanding the shift in Shepard's attention. "Later."
Shepard sat on the floor of the port observation deck, staring out at the stars. She'd turned off the lights and locked the door, not wanting to be interrupted as she brooded over Thane's death. Mordin had been the first, and Shepard had mourned him, but somehow Thane's death hit closer to home. Maybe because she was starting to realize how desperate their fight really was.
EDI's voice came over the comm. "Commander, Dr. T'Soni is requesting entrance."
Even now, Shepard could deny Liara nothing. "Let her in, EDI."
The door hissed open and shut again, beeping as it relocked behind Liara. Silently, the asari sat down next to Shepard, their shoulders touching, and for a while the two of them just sat there, gazing out into space.
"Are you all right?" Liara's soft voice broke Shepard from her thoughts.
"No." After months of forcing herself not to hide from Liara, to show her the truth, the answer came easily. "All I can do is wonder about how many more people we're going to lose before this is over. Who we'll be missing at the end." She couldn't let the rest of the crew see her like this, weak and uncertain, but Liara had become her haven. The two of them had built their friendship back up, relying on each other, and had become stronger for it.
"We'll mourn them together, Shepard," Liara answered quietly, and Shepard knew she was thinking of Feron.
"I'm sorry he's not here with us, Liara," she whispered back and felt, more than heard, Liara sigh.
"It's not your fault. Neither was Benezia. You know that." Liara took her hand, squeezed it once. The silence hung between them for a few moments before she spoke again. "You've never asked why I stole your body from the Shadow Broker and gave it to Cerberus."
Shepard glanced over at her and raised an eyebrow, puzzled at the sudden change in topic. "Nope. We were kinda busy chasing down the Shadow Broker and taking over his secret base, and then I had another suicide mission to take care of, and then the Alliance imprisoned me for blowing up a relay, and on and on and on." She squinted. "I did at least say thank you, didn't I?"
"You did," Liara laughed, and the sound brought a smile to Shepard's face.
"All right, I'll bite," Shepard said. "What in the galaxy made you crazy enough to steal my body from a homicidal power-hungry alien that almost no one had ever heard of, and then turn around and give it to a power-hungry human bent on destroying everything except humanity?"
Liara stared at her for a moment, mouth agape. "...Now you're just being difficult."
Shepard grinned. "I dare you to point out which part of that was incorrect. Please, though, enlighten me?"
Liara ducked her head for a moment, suddenly shy. "I… Goddess, I thought this would be easier by now." She took a deep breath. "You're not the only one who… Hid their feelings." She looked up and met Shepard's gaze, watching the confusion on her face slowly turn to understanding.
"When?" Shepard breathed, unable to tear her eyes away from Liara's.
"Virmire." Liara offered her a half smile. "I almost came to your quarters the night before Ilos, but… You weren't the only one afraid."
Shepard swallowed around the lump that had taken up residence in her throat, working to wet a mouth that had suddenly gone dry. Emotions flashed across her face, almost faster than Liara could identify them. Wonder, astonishment, worry… hope. "And… now?" The words were a breath, a prayer.
In lieu of an answer, Liara reached up, gently threaded a hand into Shepard's hair, and pulled her in. Their lips met softly, hesitant at first, testing, then slowly growing more eager. The need for air made them pull apart, and Shepard rested her forehead against Liara's. "Is this a dream?" she whispered.
"No," Liara whispered, toying with the hair her hand was still tangled in. "I'm here. This is real."
Shepard's hand came up to cup Liara's cheek, and Liara leaned into her touch. She stared at Liara like she was something precious that she was afraid she would shatter. "Liara, I don't… I'm not…"
Liara slipped her hand down from the nape of Shepard's neck and laid a finger gently across her lips. "Shepard. Stop worrying about what you think I need you to be, what you think you need to be for me. You already are." She smiled, turning her head enough to press her lips to Shepard's wrist. "You're already everything."
The smile that slowly grew across Shepard's face was nothing short of radiant. "I love you," she breathed, and somehow saying the words aloud brought her a sense of freedom and joy that she had never before known. Laughter bubbled up out of her, and she framed Liara's face with both of her hands. "I love you," she repeated, and then she surged forward, pressing her mouth to Liara's again. There was no hesitation between them this time, no doubt. Shepard poured 3 years of love deferred into the kiss, leaving no room for disbelief, and Liara returned every bit of it.
"I love you too, Shepard," Liara whispered, and Shepard could do nothing but stare at her in awe, wondering what she had done to deserve this gift. She reached out and pulled the asari into her lap, wrapping her arms around her and holding her close. Liara wrapped her arms around Shepard's shoulders and touched her forehead to the commander's. Their galaxy narrowed to the two of them, and for a few precious minutes nothing else mattered. Only this.
But Shepard's mind was her worst enemy, and it didn't take long for the uncertainty to creep in again. She spoke softly, though she didn't move- if fate was to play some cruel joke on her and take this away again, she would enjoy it while she could, commit it to memory so she would always have it to cherish. "Are… are you ok with this? It hasn't been that long since…"
Liara pulled back just enough to look into Shepard's eyes, wanting to soothe away the worry. "Can I show you?" she asked softly.
Shepard nodded, knowing what she was asking. Liara lowered her head back down as her eyes turned to black, and Shepard surrendered as she felt Liara's mind flow into hers. It was easier than she remembered their previous melds being… gentler. She basked in the warmth of Liara's presence, surprised to be able to feel the same sentiment echoed back at her. This… this was peace, in a way that Shepard had never known. Liara spoke directly to her soul, more in emotions than actual words, but Shepard still understood.
Feron will always hold a piece of my heart. But the rest… I loved you first, Shepard. I still do. It's yours.
There was no doubting the truth and sincerity of those words, not here, not when they were joined together so intimately. Shepard distantly felt the hot sting of tears in her eyes as elation welled up inside of her. Instinctively, she reached her mind out for Liara's, wrapping her in the love and joy she was feeling so keenly.
They came back to reality slowly, reluctantly, still holding each other close. Liara reached up and brushed the tears from Shepard's cheeks, drawing a chuckle from the commander. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you," she whispered, stealing a quick kiss. "You're amazing."
"You're not so bad yourself," Liara teased with a smile. "But we'll take care of each other, I think."
"Deal."