Self-proclaimed Jedi Master of Bullshit.
Advocate for the reparation and return of the English language to America.
Proponent of the Oxford Comma.

I am misanthropic to a very possibly unhealthy degree in real life, incapable of holding a conversation without the HEAVY inclusion of sarcasm, inclined towards reiterative fits of circumlocution and altiloquence, and generally happy to fangirl with anyone, anytime, anywhere. If you PM me, I will PM you back (eventually), but it will most likely be spastic and strange and full of jokes that only I ever seem laugh at.

Some things about me that you may or may not find interesting:

I'm the kind of person who has just enough of an OCD that I set all the radio presets in my car in ascending order by megahertz and eat my M&Ms according to color, but I couldn't keep my room clean for more than two days at a time even if my very life depended upon it.

I relate to the Phantom from The Phantom of the Opera far more than is natural or healthy for any human who lives supraterra or not in an old abandoned opera house.

Grammar is my first love, matched only by my deep and abiding affection for puns. I like to steal good ones and make them my own. If I hear a good pun, I take it literally.

Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart will always be, in my mind, the world's most perfect Hollywood love story.

The Twilight movies may have made enjoying the books unbearable and humiliating for anyone who is not currently under 15 and/or co-dependent, but it is my firm belief that the motion picture soundtracks for all four movies are some of the best produced compilation albums out there.

I believe 'dude' is a gender non-specific pronoun, and nothin' or nobody can convince me otherwise.

I have, within the past three or so years, developed a slight stutter, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how.

If you ask me I will gladly kill an entire afternoon explaining to you the proper way to select, cut, light, and smoke a cigar, as well as what type of scotch you ought to pair it with. I will be smoking a cigar and sipping scotch the whole time.

I never lend books. I give books away because there is no feeling more hopeful and elating than the one that comes with giving someone a gift that you've invested your heart and soul in, in the hopes that it will soon become a part of them as well. Unless we're talking about my 3rd Edition Complete Collection of the Works of Mark Twain. Then you can just fuck right off, thank you very much.

For the longest time, I thought I wanted to be WITH Cary Grant, until I finally realized the truth: I just really want to BE Cary Grant.

Fledgling Tumblr-er: jellyman-kelly(.)tumblr(.)com

To anyone and everyone who reads anything I am so foolhardy as to publish, my sincerest thanks. For those of you kind enough, generous enough, to follow, favorite, or even review, you are lovely and wonderful and I am endlessly grateful. Also, your hair looks amazing today.