James is rifling through Harry's stuff while he's in the shower because James is bored.

Remus and Sirius have detention but no one really knows what for anymore, they've stacked up so many.

It's basically detentions for the next five years even though they only have two left in Hogwarts, because on top of all the things they get up to, they also then skip detentions or the teachers don't care enough to watch them for the evening and it gets pushed back.

House points don't mean shit to people like them and their parents wave off letters home, plus expulsion is a joke when you're talking to a Potter and a Black. Detentions won't work when you're still with friends (and if you're not put together then why bother going).

Punishing them with no quidditch is the only real threat (though Remus only half-heartedly pretends to care) but that means they get even worse until the teachers give in and just let them do whatever they want. James has sabotaged five quidditch games over his long prank career because if he doesn't get to play, neither does anyone else.

(Remus was probably given a prefect badge because he's literally the only one who can rein in Sirius and James. If the teachers guilt him with responsibility enough he'll actually step in and hold the other two down.)

So James skipped out today but the other two went because the teacher supervising is Slughorn and they need to steal some potions ingredients anyway while they clean cauldrons. Sometimes they trap certain ingredients like turning butterfly legs into frog warts so it'll explode some shit but that takes planning and Snape is getting a little too good at spotting fakes.

They'll all duck out halfway through regardless because it's a full moon tonight.

James messes up Harry's bed while he waits impatiently, transfigures a pillow into a particularly floppy Prongs, and then finds the diary in Harry's book bag. James pulls it out, flipping through it but all the pages are blank.

"What does a Dark Lord write about in his diary?" James jokes, poking the pages as sits up on Harry's bed. "Dear diary, I am Lord Voldemort - heart, heart, heart."

James grabs the diary and rolls into his back to get more comfortable, only for a torrential rain of ink to pour from the pages. James flings it away, lurching up and spluttering, wiping his face off with his sleeve. "What the fuck!"

"James?!" Harry cries, having just entered the room to see ink flooding off his bed. "Are you okay?"

James -entirely soaked in ink- has slapped the book open against the wall above the headboard, scraping it up and down against the rough stone.

"You like that, bitch?" James mocks.

"James, stop!" Harry snaps and snatches the diary away. "Do not -do not- fuck with the diary, it will kill you. I told you before!"

"What, death by a thousand paper cuts?" James scoffs.

"No, death by Voldemort because this is a piece of his soul!" Harry snaps.

James pauses. "Oh." Then he just shrugs. "Whatever, the diary fucking knows snitches get stitches."

"James."

"Alright, I'm sorry! I'll stop!"

James doesn't stay out of trouble long because the very next day, Harry jogs down the stairs and ducks into the sixth year's room only to find James sitting at the foot of his bed, head in hands and rumpled after staying up the whole night.

Harry has come to the unfortunate realisation that James is the leader of the Marauders – as in he leads them into the stupidest things.

"What have you done this time?" Harry asks. He knows they weren't in the chamber because they haven't mapped the whole thing and letting Moony run around when he can potentially pop up in another bathroom is not the best idea.

Sirius, splayed out on his bed with hands behind his head, laughs but sounds exhausted. Remus' bed curtains are drawn and the other two Gryffindor boys are long gone to breakfast.

James looks up. "So, you said kind of a throw-away comment about spiders in the forest, and I asked the other Marauders if Moony would win a fight against an acromantula…and we got curious."

Harry sighs.

"Now, okay," James begins. "In my head, I didn't realise you mean plural acromantula."

"-therfuckers!" Remus rips open his bed curtains and falls out, leaving behind the giant body of a half-eaten spider with its legs all curled up in death, taking over most of the mattress but still looks like its twitching because Remus' frantic flailing kicked it.

Harry just instinctively throws up a shield spell in front of James but him and Sirius are howling with laughter.

"Why the fuck is it in my bed?!" Remus yells at them and then groans when his sore muscles pull painfully.

"Moony wouldn't let it go," Sirius tries to explain. "I thought you wanted it as a trophy or something."

Remus grips the edge of James' mattress and pulls himself up into a sitting position with a muttered curse. "I'm in pain but I have enough of Moony left to still throw you out of the fucking window."

Fifteen minutes later, the spider has been shrunken and put into a small vial because yes actually Remus does want to keep the trophy, and the four of them have commandeered the prefect's bathroom.

James is sitting up on the edge with his legs spread enough for Remus to sit back against his stomach, arms hooked over James' thighs and relaxing into a head massage. Both of them are sitting at a bit of an angle so Remus can kick his legs up onto Sirius' lap for a foot massage as well.

Harry is sitting off to the side, making no comment about how the three are naked and maybe a bit too close and he really wants to ask but is too shy to say anything.

"-so we get to the nest," James is explaining for Remus (who remembers nothing about his nights) and Harry. "And it was a bloody trap because we hadn't seen a single spider until they all swarmed around us. Like the trees were covered in them and there was a giant one – and I was really not expecting it to talk."

"He's Aragog," Harry chimes in.

"Who the fuck named it?" Sirius cries.

"Never mind the name, he can speak?" Remus asks. "What did he say?"

Sirius scoffs. "Well before it could say anything, James started trying to seduce it-"

"No I fucking didn't!" James yells over Remus and Harry bursting into laughter.

"Prongs transformed back!" Sirius shouts above James. "And then he's all like; wow, it's incredible how the light of the beautiful full moon glimmers off your luscious body hair."

Harry is wheezing, hand over his eyes. Remus twitches pathetically and groans in pain because the laughing hurts.

"I said it in a 'please don't kill us' tone not a 'let me smash' way," James insists.

"You still said it!" Sirius cackles. "The spider fucking stuttered at you in shock – I swear, James has mastered the art of chaotic bullshitting, it's practically a hex."

"At least I didn't headbutt Moony in the dick," James snaps.

"You swore you wouldn't tell!" Sirius cries.

Remus splutters. "What – wait, what? What happened?"

James wheezes. "Padfoot tried to duck under your legs to escape a spider but he tripped and then-"

Sirius drags James into the water by the ankle and proceeds to try and drown him. Poor Remus gets thrown into the water too because he was lying on James and weakly struggles back out to safety.

Harry is flopped over the edge of the bath, body convulsing in silent laughter because he's run out of air.