The roaring engine quiets to more of a hum just before he parks the car to start a new row along the sidewalk. Headlights illuminate the otherwise darkening street from both sides. His friends - his family - park their cars next to his before they all start to exit their respective vehicles. He thinks about joining them outside but doesn't move - instead he stays put in his seat as he looks out the window. He observes as Adam and Kevin immediately start bickering with each other - about what he can't tell - the barrier of the car blocking out their words but he can see by the looks on their faces that it's nothing serious. So he moves on and his eyes go to the windshield. And his attention goes to the street caller as she shakes the can of spray paint in her hand. He watches as she removes the top and holds the can on its side, just a few inches above the asphalt and presses down on the button releasing the white paint that soon makes up the uneven starting line. He takes in and registers the simple action but still his mind is elsewhere.
The thought of leaving and going home or back to the garage repeats in his head but he shakes it and turns off the car. Then he climbs out and slams the door shut. He trails his finger over the recently finished exterior of the car as he makes his way to the hood. It doesn't even look like the same car as when they bought it but somehow every memory featuring the old Honda and the woman that was once his wife, come back to him. A sad smile pulls at the corners of his mouth as he remembers her negotiating with the seller at the auction. His lips tingle as he recalls the kiss they shared when they were working under the hood. The crisp fall air causes his fingers to sting as he thinks of the way her wedding ring felt in his hand after he freed it from the engine. And his heart aches when he goes over the conversation that left him with so much anger that he punched out the windows.
It's only been two weeks since the day they said their goodbyes and he misses her just the same. The wound of their parting is still so fresh and it hurts more with each minute that passes. And he knows everyone can tell he's not coping, it's why they were deadset on him attending the race tonight but he's not feeling up to it. His heart is too heavy and mind is too clouded - his vision is practically blurred with the memories and flashbacks of the woman he loves. And this time when a specific memory comes to him, he lets it take over. He lets it drown out everything around him - ebbing away all the noise and commotion from the races and just focuses on one of her last nights in the hospital.
He's lost track of the days, they've all meshed together. And he's sat here in the same spot since the day he was discharged, waiting for her to wake up. She's still unmoving from the position she's been in for the last however many weeks. Just like when they were being rushed to the hospital, she looks to be asleep. He just hopes that she's free of the real life nightmare they found themselves in not long ago.
Her beautiful features get etched into his memory - practically burned into his retinas. While he also silently begs and pleads for her to open her eyes. Oh how he misses those mesmerizing hazel orbs. He wishes he could see the way they sparkle when she flashes him one of those breathtaking, dimpled smiles. His thumb sweeps over the small indent on her cheek where her left dimple would be if she were to smile.
"I miss you." He whispers to her as he stands weakly and leans over to press a kiss to her forehead.
"Hey." He hears from somewhere close by and he moves back, his eyes taking in Erin's facial features for the umpteenth time - hoping it was her that uttered the simple greeting - even if he knows that wasn't her voice.
He sighs and looks down at their hands interlocked at her side, resting on the bed.
The footsteps grow a little louder as the other people steps further into the room.
"Hey man, how is she?" Mouse murmurs as he stops just beside his best friend and Hailey stands across from them on the other side of the bed.
"How does she look?" Jay practically growls and a part of him feels bad - a small part - but still he regrets answering like that. He knows it's not Mouse's fault that Erin's in the state she's in. He knows that the doctors have done what they could. That no one is to blame but him and French. And with that he feels his anger fester more and it continues to grow the longer he waits for her to come to.
"She looks at peace." Hailey tells him and he shakes his head because that sounds too much like something he heard during one of his mom's last days.
"No." He shakes his head to emphasize his dislike for that saying and the meaning behind those words.
"Jay-"
"Just stop." He cuts Mouse off with the sharp order.
"We're just trying to say that maybe you should let her-"
He glares at Hailey as she tries to explain what she meant - not knowing that he already knew what she meant.
"I'm not giving up on her or letting her go. Not when there's still a real chance of her waking up." His voice is rough but he doesn't care as he returns his attention to his wife lying in the bed.
There's a pregnant pause as Hailey and Mouse attempt to have a silent conversation between them but Hailey eventually puts her hand up to stop him.
"Will you at least go home and get some rest. I can hang out here and call you if anything changes." Hailey offers and he just shakes his head again.
"Jay you've been here for weeks. You haven't showered, you've barely slept or eaten anything. If you continue like this you're going to end up right back in your own hospital bed and how's that going to help her?" The blue-eyed blonde adds and Jay has to admit that he doesn't want to be the patient again.
He huffs as he relents. "You promise to call if there are any changes?"
"Of course." Haileys says with a nod. So with another kiss to Erin's forehead he exits the room and the hospital.
It felt wrong and it didn't take long for him to realize that it was foolish of him to leave that night. He should have stayed - he could have seen her wake up for those couple minutes. Instead he left, and was confused when he returned and found that she was back in the same position - as if nothing changed in his brief time away.
"Jay." Someone shouts his name in the distance and then he sees Adam waving his hand from the starting line.
Jay shakes his head and hunkers down on the hood of his car in protest. He already feels like a huge piece of him is missing - imagining himself to be like a car without an engine. He was surprised that they even got him to come here but he felt there was no way he was racing tonight or any night hereafter. His friends call his name again and he crosses his arms over his chest in defiance - as if the simple act will block them out and allow him the solitude he yearns for. He wants to crawl back into the cocoon he's kept himself in for the last weeks, where he can slip into each and every memory of her.
"You know she'd want you to race, right?" He hears Hailey say from behind him and he groans inwardly in annoyance. And he thinks yet again how bad of an idea it was for him to agree to come to this stupid race.
He debates on just shrugging off her question and not actually giving a verbal response before deciding against that inclination. But he has to ponder about the things he wants to say - the right words to depict his exact thoughts. His brain, however, seems to stall out on him - hitting the breaks on everything cruising through his head.
"There's no way that this is what she wanted for you - to sit here on the sidelines watching everything speed past you. What kind of life is that man?" Kevin comments next and Jay lets out a low tisk.
That last sentence is what gets to him. Those seven words ignite something within him and get him to stand up again. He feels like he has so much to say but can't find it in him to speak them out loud. It's why he walks around his friends in a hurry to get into the car. If he can't articulate his feelings with words then maybe he can express himself in the best way he knows how - by racing. The engine roars to life, causing both Kevin and Hailey to step away from the vehicle to let him make his way to the starting line. He's far too focused on the road in front of him to see Nadia join his friend's and he's too deep in thought to notice the smirks on each and every one of their faces as Adam advances a couple inches so their bumpers are lined up.
It's a simple race, only a half mile from start to finish. But it seems his family has a different route in mind and the street caller taps on his window to get him to roll it down. He doesn't think anything of it when she hands him a GPS to attach to the dashboard, the destination already entered. She tells him to drive safe and he nods his head in thanks before she walks away and he rolls up his window. It's then that he notices the car to his left is different than the one Adam brought. He's not offered the chance to dwell on it before the countdown begins and then they're off. Everything fades away again - it's just him and the road and he let's himself forget that he's racing again. He allows his mind to wander wherever it wants as he also listens to the first instructions coming from the robotic voice of the GPS. He makes a sharp right turn and then an immediate left turn. The car easily weaves in and out of the light traffic as he continues straight for a little over three miles. It's then that he turns to look for his opponent and a small smirk comes to his face when he doesn't see them trailing behind. It leaves him confused until he looks ahead again to find his friend's car to his right. He wonders again who he's actually racing when the other car passes him. They both make quick turns as directed by the GPS and then he presses his foot harder against the gas pedal as he eases off the clutch and the car advances forward. His heart begins to race at the same speed as his car as his intrigue grows.
"Turn right in one hundred and your destination is on your left." The GPS voices and Jay glances over at the familiar landmark.
With the location and the fact that he was just beat has his mind whirling. The pieces start to fall into place but he also doesn't want to set himself up for disappointment. He's leary as he steps out of his car, his eyes not leaving the other Honda parked not far from him.
The door opens slowly and then out comes a boot - a woman's boot sticks out beneath the door. His breath quickens even more and his gaze travels up as he anxiously awaits for the person to come into view.
She's nervous - afraid of what he's going to say or how he'll react to her being back. Her heart races - thumping in her chest as she steps onto the concrete of the parking lot.
Both of them gasp - their breath hitching as they set their sights on each other without the barriers of the car doors and windows obstructing their view.
They both get transported to the night months ago when they had seen each other for the first time in over six years. Like that time they feel like it's been too long since they've been together. These last two weeks have felt like years and neither thought they'd ever see each other again.
He whispers her name and she can tell that he's trying to decipher whether or not she's really standing in front of him.
She nods her head with tears in her eyes as they come to stand just a couple feet away from one another.
"I'm here Jay." She whispers back and that has him reaching out to her - cupping her jaw and sweeping his thumb over the skin of her right cheek.
Then he shakes his head as if he still doesn't believe that she's there. And he takes a step back letting his hand fall to his side.
"Why?" His confusion is evident in both his voice and the expression on his face.
"You said that you had to go back. You told me that you couldn't stay. When you said goodbye, I thought-" He clears his throat, feeling a lump forming there as he thinks back to the night they last saw each other.
He thought that he was imagining things. The voice was muffled, sounding as if it's coming from a distance but then it's close by - crisp and clear. It's feminine but beautifully raspy - so unique to her. His eyelids are heavy but he musters through it and opens his eyes just as her quiet laugh fill the space around them. Then she's looking at him - those gorgeous hazel orbs lifting him up and sending his heart soaring.
"Hi." She says to him and he repeats it back to her as he stands and kisses her temple and then her forehead.
"I'll uh...I'll leave you guys to talk." Someone with a badge around his neck says as he backs out of the room.
Once they're alone, tears fall from their eyes - both of them breathing a sigh of relief as they take in that the other is ok.
After a few minutes of silence, he recognizes a shift in her demeanor. Her shoulders sag and her head tilts down telling him that he should brace himself for whatever it is she's about to say.
"I love you." She admits and he lets his walls down a little with those three words.
"I think I've always loved you and never stopped loving you." She sniffles as she bites her bottom lip.
"Erin I-"
"What I told you back at the garage wasn't true. I tricked myself into believing that I took the gig for those girls." Her hands fiddle with the thin hospital blanket covering her legs. "Then once I got here and I was with you again, it all changed. I knew the real reason was because it was you. And I thought that maybe if I could get the crew responsible and then we could be us again. I wanted that so bad that I was willing lie to you to get that. And that night after our fight I realized that you were right. I shouldn't have come back." The beeping of her heart monitors start to pick up speed as her chest begins to rise and fall at a quicker pace.
"Erin shh, just breathe babe." He tells her as he looks back and forth between her and the machines across from him. And after a little coaching her breathing matches his, still uneven but slower.
"We don't have to talk about this now. Let's just focus on your recovery." He suggests but she closes her eyes and shakes her head.
"I can't keep doing this to you. It shouldn't always be about me but somehow it turns out that way every time. And you're the one left to pick up the pieces no matter how hurt you are or how it affected you."
"Erin, I'm fine - better than fine now that you're ok-"
"I should go - I'm going to go back to New York." She finally breaks it to him, growing tired of beating around the bush.
"I didn't mean what I said that night." He tells her.
"I love you too. And I don't want you to leave. I can't lose you again." He voice is pleading
"We'll just keep finding different ways to hurt each other - whether it's intentional or not." She sniffles again and his heart aches with that.
His mouth opens and closes a couple times as he tries to think of a rebuttal but the words evade him and he's left reeling.
Eventually the conversation goes on and their hearts grow heavier and heavier as they talk about everything. It's both cathartic and heartbreaking. They lay it all out until he decides to leave. He doesn't want to drag this out any more than they already have. His eyes travel over her features once more - trying to sear the imagine of her into his brain forever as he prepares to say goodbye to the woman he loves with everything in him.
"I can't say it." He shakes his head after attempting to voice his thoughts.
"You can't or you won't?" She asks and he shrugs as he sits down on the edge of the bed.
She moves closer to him and envelopes him in a warm embrace. Both of them savoring the moment. She turns her head and kisses just below the shell of his right ear.
"I love you and I'm sorry." She whispers to him and his chest shakes with the shuttering breath he releases.
"I love you too." He murmurs back as he presses his lips to her temple once more.
"I'm going to miss you so fucking much." He adds against her hairline, letting himself linger there for a minute before he pulls away.
"I've missed you so fucking much and I really realized just how much when I got these." She says as she moves forward - lifting the folder in her hand. "Turns out that those old papers weren't valid anymore. And selfishly I was happy when they told me that. Because it made me think about how big of a mistake it was to leave Chicago again." She takes another step towards him.
"It was stupid to leave you once - let alone twice. And I'm sorry for that." Her eyes get cast down as if she's ashamed and he finds himself smiling sadly at the gesture.
He wants to apologize too but he also doesn't want to interrupt her so he stays quiet for a little longer.
"I'd understand if you signed the lines and tell me to go to hell. I'd get it if you hate me and want nothing to do with me. But I had to come back and tell you that I'm lost and completely miserable without you. And that if given another chance I'd never let you go again." She continues and he waits for a few seconds before he interjects.
"I could never hate you Erin Lindsay." He clarifies first and she kicks a pebble by her foot as he takes a step forward so they're chest to chest.
"And I'm sorry too." He states and that gets her eyes to meet his again. They give each other sad smiles as they both lean in.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away and letting you leave." He adds, his breath ghosting over her lips.
"But I promise to never let that happen. I want you here with me forever." He emphasizes just before they move closer for one of those finish line kisses.
He takes the divorce papers from her hand and back away from her just a little. She feels her heart pick up speed again - pounding in her chest as she waits for his next move. Her eyes -still blurred from her unshed tears - stay on him as he turns his back to her and walks towards his car. She feels the lump begin swell back up in her throat as she watches him take the last few steps to his car. But then he's moving past the driver's side door. And she can hear his tear through the folder and the papers held within it as he continues to the garbage can not far from the curb. She breaths a sigh of relief as he makes his way back to her after throwing the ripped up scraps of paper into the large metal can before making his way back to her.
They walk hand-in-hand tothe bridge - their bridge and look out at the Chicago skyline. He presses a kiss to her temple and admires her just before she looks up at him.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you, always." She whispers to him and he gives her a small smile as they reattach their lips in a more tender kiss.
"Always." He repeats back as they stay there in their spot for just a little longer.
Their hearts are like renewed engines, roaring to life at the same time as their cars. They both roll down their windows and she raises her eyebrows at him as he smirks at her. But no other words are said between them before they take off - pushing their cars to the limits to get home. A few minutes into their little race, they find themselves thinking about who will be beat who as they remain neck-in-neck. But it doesn't seem to matter to them the closer they get to the house. Because no matter the prize, the car or the race as long as they have each other by their side, it'll be a win for both of them - always.
A/N: And we've crossed the finish line for this one friends. Sorry for the mistakes but I hope it was an ok last chapter. As always nice reviews are much appreciated. Thanks to those that tagged along for the ride ;)