Illusion is Reality

Chapter 167

I really must have been tired, 'cause I ended up half dozing off in Pyronica's arms. Couldn't help it, she was warm. And strong. And safe. It was a different safe feeling than the one I got from Xanthar. And still different from what I felt with Ford. And very different again, from how I used to feel around Blue.

There were different flavors of 'safe'. Xanthar was a sweet, gentle sort of feeling, like curling up with a hot drink and a blanket while it snowed outside. Pyronica was like the nightlight that I knew would keep the monsters in the dark away, reassuring and calming. Fordsie was like the puppy that would climb into my lap and trust me with his life, and made me feel like I wanted to be worthy of that trust, made me feel like I was capable of living up to that trust. Blue had been like someone who would come with me when I had to get some water in the middle of the night and I was too scared to go to the kitchen alone.

But he didn't want to come with me anymore. That's how it felt, at least. My fault. He made it clear it was my fault.

Yes, I know it was unhealthy to obsess over Blue this much. But goddammit I still loved him. I don't think I could stop doing so. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I was going to break. And he didn't even know, I don't think he understands what his words did to me. He can't possibly. Because if he DID understand, and said them anyway, then it would mean he wanted to hurt me. (Part of me was starting to think he did.)

Dammit, thinking about Blue really brought my mood down. It wouldn't be such a problem if I could at least resolve something with him. But right now, the whole situation was unsaid and unfinished and it was driving me nuts. I hated leaving things unfinished. It just… bothered me. I had so many things I hadn't finished, they were ALL bothering me, to be honest.

But I also didn't want to confront him about it. I was too scared. So the feeling stayed. And I just couldn't move on. Fucking driving me crazy. I kept distracting myself from it, I had to. But if I wasn't distracted, my thoughts kept coming back to Blue. Also clowns. I don't know why my mind always defaulted to clowns when it had nothing else to focus on. Oh, I wonder how WillBill was doing. Was he safe? Was he happy? I wanted to know, but I couldn't go to him, couldn't be around him, because he only saw me as a new master, not a sister. I didn't want to be his master. I didn't want him to continue being a slave when he was finally free. And BillWill just straight up wanted to murder me, and knew he couldn't, so he was just scared and unhappy if I was around. So… yeah, can't go visit them. At least I still had Seb, Zach and Zoe. Not that I could talk about the things that were bothering me with them.

I laid in Pyronica's arms and opened my eye a crack. I couldn't talk to my friends about it. I was afraid to. Why? I'm not sure. It just… felt like I would get upset. My friends didn't seem to like Blue much. He made them uncomfortable. He made everyone in my social circle uncomfortable. That sucked. I'd rather if my friends and family all got along.

I wonder if this was how Ax felt about me and Time Baby? Wow. It sucks.

I guess, I didn't want to tell my Friends about what was happening with Blue, 'cause they would get mad at Blue. When Blue was the victim here, he DID almost get killed because of something I did, even if I hadn't meant for it to happen. Not that it mattered if I hadn't meant for it to happen, Blue told me I was purposely trying to kill him, and that hurt. But he already decided on it, so there was nothing I could do.

Well… I suppose… the hurt was a little more bearable now? I wasn't cracking anymore, which is good. I had to stay away from Blue because I didn't want to break because of him. Hell, I felt like shit for being partially responsible for him getting nearly killed, I didn't want him to feel awful for making me literally die because of him. Sure, I wouldn't be fully dead, I'd pull myself back together eventually, but still! I'd have been dead for a while, and Blue was exhausted back then, I didn't want him to strain himself trying to put me back together while in that state.

Ugh. I was never gonna get over this until I finally talked to him again. I missed him.

I snuggled more into Pyronica's arms, enjoying the feeling of being safe and taken care of.

Huh… what if… I called Blue to talk to him, with Pyronica and the others with me? I would probably feel safer so I wouldn't break, and if it's just a Com-call, I wouldn't be near Blue and able to hurt him. That might work?

Something I should do… in a bit. I'm not emotionally ready for that yet.

I merely got more comfortable and dozed off again in Pyronica's arms. Keyhole was there, hopefully he'd keep them in line and make sure they paid for stuff at the other stores we were going to. I almost managed to fully fall asleep, except I heard some angry voices. Dammit.

"You have to leave. You're disturbing the other shoppers. And you're too big, we've received a complaint."

"Hey! Leave Xanthar alone."

I went very still.

"Either you leave peacefully, or we have to use force."

"We're not bothering anyone. She hasn't even smashed any more windows." ("Shut up 8-Ball, that doesn't help!")

"Sirs, they're not harming anyone. They're just here to make some purchases. They'll leave once they're done." I heard Brite try to negotiate between them.

"Can you guys lower your voices? You're gonna wake him up!" Keyhole tried to warn them. Well too late my dude, I was awake. I felt Pyronica shifting her hold on me. She noticed. But she was rubbing my side, trying to get me to calm down. I didn't have to open my eye to See. There were plenty of triangles around.

Three mall security guards. Took them long enough, I almost thought that we would actually get through a mall trip without being accosted. Hm. Looks like they were watching us ever since we first came in, and had just been too afraid to try and approach us while I was awake. Seriously, waiting for me to sleep and THEN trying to start shit? What were they teaching them in security training?

The guards did lower their voices, heh. Too late idiots. I was already Watching.

"Please leave. You are making the other shoppers uncomfortable."

Brite looked back and forth between the guards and my friends. He sighed. "You weren't kidding."

"Yeah, they do this. Actually, this here," Pyronica gestured with her horns by tilting her head, "Is almost polite, compared to some other times we've-" she was cut off when a fourth guard, who was hiding behind a pillar, shot at her. She took a step back, but didn't need to, as the laser seemed to halt in midair before it turned and shot back at the guard, going back into the nozzle of his gun and making the device explode in his hands. I smiled as he screamed at his burned hands.

"...I thought Cipher was asleep…"

"You guys are loud." I said, without bothering to open my eye. "You should get your buddy there to a medical facility. He might lose function in his nerves if you wait too long."

"You monster!"

I waved a hand lazily at them. "Clock's a ticking~ oops, there goes one finger~"

They carried their coworker off, too afraid to try shooting again. I sighed, snuggling back against Pyronica. Hey, I didn't kill anyone, nor did I attack anyone. I did good, right?

"That's more hostile than I've seen from him before. Personally." Brite said slowly.

"The guy tried to shoot at us, while they thought Bill wasn't paying attention. He doesn't like that." 8-Ball explained.

"I very much don't." I stretched, one of my arms hanging limply over Pyronica's shoulder. "I didn't kill anyone. Praise me!" I demanded.

"Praise, praise." Pyronica rolled her eye with a smile. "Do you wanna choose the next shop now?"

"...can we visit the book store?" I twiddled my fingers while looking up at her pleadingly. Pyronica gave me a soft smile. "Sure."

"...so you're just leaving it at that?" Brite asked slowly. "What are you going to do when more security comes along?"

"Ignore them. I don't want to fight. They're the ones picking one." I huffed. "Besides, they're probably not gonna try again, now that I'm awake."

"...so that's why he's like this..." Brite said, more to himself than to us. Then he directly asked me, "Do you like hurting people who try to attack your friends?"

Well, part of me wanted to deny it, but that would be a lie. It's not exactly a 'like' situation, it's not like I'm seeking out opportunities for my friends to get hurt just so I could hurt people for my own pleasure. But if someone does try to hurt the people I cared about, I was more than happy to attack right back, normally. "Yeah." I said instead of everything else I could have said instead. It's like how I didn't feel bad about the people who would get vaporized on my protection barriers around Dimension 52. The Curse was specifically made to hit back with force equal to how much that person was wanting to, planning to, harm the people in the temple. So if they got killed, it's because that was what they'd been planning to do. They caused their own annihilation. Did I get a sick sort of 'serves you right' pleasure out of it? Sometimes, yeah. And I didn't regret that, protecting them, even if it meant harming or killing people. Because I cared about them more than the other person.

And therein was the problem.

When BillWill attacked and almost killed Blue, I didn't punish him for it. I didn't take his powers away or anything. So… essentially… I had showed Blue that I cared more about this kid that I had just met and adopted, than him. I could make all sorts of excuses. But that's what it meant. Because I had mentally cataloged Blue as being stronger and able to take care of himself. While BillWill was weak and needed protecting. Which… I think, is part of why BillWill hated me so much? And why Blue was so mad at me.

Brite was contemplative after that, as we walked to the bookstore. A little place called More than Scrolls which had a nice comic section. I floated over there immediately. Any new things? I happily browsed before pausing when I noticed one of my books.

I'm surprised it's still being sold. I haven't made any new chapters in… years. My series has been on hiatus. I...

I carefully pulled it from the shelf and held it in my hands. Volume 34 out of 46 of Lives Intertwined. Like… it was a slice of life series, without a main plot, just mini plots and character progressions and such. So even where I've left off could be seen as an ending. It didn't NEED to continue. I opened the book and felt a bit of nostalgia wash over me.

The characters I've made. The lives they lived. You know, the anime actually hasn't caught up yet. Since I haven't worked with them on it. Since they were waiting for more content to adapt into a full season. Which I haven't done. I've helped some other artists and writers, and given advice and pitches for new anime...

...but I haven't… really worked on my own stuff… in a long time...

I put the book back. I felt strange. Not quite upset, but… disappointed, in myself? Sad? Being unable to work on things for myself because I'm just so tired and...

"You don't like that series?" Brite asked. I shook myself out of it. "Nah, I rather enjoy it. It's just…" I looked away.

"Oh, are you upset that it hasn't been updated in years?"

"You know this series?" I should be more surprised. But I guess Brite knew more about anime than I originally thought, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised he knew about one of the first manga to exist in this dimension.

"It's old, but like, it's a classic, right?" Brite had an odd look on his face. "Rumor has it that the artist is the daughter of the Great Dragon…. and you…"

"UuuuuuuUuuuuuhhhhhh…" I turned orange again. "Damn Tina for starting that damn rumor…"

"You're very cagey about this subject."

"Xin and I are not together. We do not have a kid together." I ground out.

Brite just continued looking like he was thinking of something. "Is Xin your father? Is the author your sister?"

I choked. "Where'd you people come up with this stuff?!"

"Well, I've heard Kryptos once refer to your father as, that damn lizard, so…"

Of course. Uuuuuugh. Brite's been watching me for the past year. Of course he's heard Kryptos complain while he was visiting me in the prison. "Not even close." I huffed. "You don't know anything about me."

"Are you purposely hiding your past, or is it something else?"

"Hey, maybe… just drop it." Keyhole tapped on Brite's shoulder.

"It's fine Keyhole." I floated over to Brite. "What do you even know about me? I've noticed the Federation records have lost a lot of info overtime."

"...you're a dangerous demon with godlike powers and generally unpredictable." Brite spoke as if reciting. He didn't look much like he believed it. "You're dangerous, sure, but… You're not malicious, so far as I can tell. Not unless someone's messed with you first, or pissed you off."

"Bill's very predictable actually, once you understand how he works." Keyhole glanced over at me, as if waiting for me to stop him if I didn't want this line of conversation. I didn't stop him, I just turned back to the shelf to look at books.

Keyhole let out a sigh. "Like this, here. Bill's pretending to ignore us now. He's not actually ignoring us, he's just feeling weird about something and doesn't want to talk about it himself-" my tophat now had a bow, "-herself, so she's passing the conversation onto me."

"...is that why you're all so calm about her?"

"What? The understanding her thing? Ehhh it's just something we had to learn over time." Keyhole shrugged. "We lived with her for years."

8-Ball came over, having finished helping Xanthar make his way past the shelves without knocking them over. "It's scary at first. I made Bill mad when I first joined. She's mellowed out over the years though." I tried to feel happy about that. Yeah, less screaming at them for little mistakes was good, yes.

"So… is Bill Cipher's past meant to be a secret?"

"Not really, I don't think?" Keyhole glanced at me. I didn't say anything, but I did stretch out a hand to hold one of his. He squeezed gently. "We don't know all of it ourselves. I think it's just painful for Bill to talk about. We know some. We're not gonna force her to tell us more if she doesn't want to."

"Does Cipher often have you speaking for her?" As Brite asked questions, I continued to browse the shelf, not wanting to look at anyone.

"When she's not up for doing it herself, yeah." Keyhole shrugged. Xanthar slowly slid himself forward, careful with the shelves. He's really grown as a person, I think? I still remember when he was just a kid, bumping into everything because being careful wasn't something that occurred to him. Xanthar nuzzled me. 'Curious'

"It's been a while since I've read to you. Do you want to pick out a story?" I reached with my other hand to pat his head. He nodded, thumping his chin-like area on the ground.

"Do you have something in mind, or should I list off genres or themes and you decide which one you want?" I didn't want to let go of Keyhole, so I grew another hand to use for searching the shelves.

Xanthar pointed at the manga shelf, I slid a finger along the titles until he indicated for me to stop. I took out the book. I don't think I've read this one before. Z Rangerz. A super as sort of story, I think? "OK, we can read this when we get home." I patted Xanthar's face. 'Excited'

"Very high maintenance." Brite didn't sound judgmental.

Keyhole shrugged. "Not really? She's easy to handle if you know what you're doing."

"And if you don't?"

"It's easy to say or do something that ends up setting her off. And if Bill's upset, it's hard to get through to her. Bill's emotions are… well, her very being, I guess. Pyronica explained it to me before." Keyhole explained.

8-Ball nodded. "So it's like… what Bill's feeling is what she is. Or something? I just know that we're supposed to distract her until she snaps out of it."

"It's only really dangerous when Bill… er… goes out of it? Like, her eye gets all unfocused and she'll just keep attacking until we get her to wake up? I dunno how to say this." Keyhole squeezed my hand. I squeezed back. So I really did do tuff without being conscious of it. I knew, but no one ever really talked about it.

"Have I ever hurt any of you while I wasn't conscious?"

Keyhole held me more firmly. "Not any of us, no." He said. I couldn't help relaxing a title, even as the guilt over what I've done to other people reared up. I could make all sorts of excuses. Like they attacked first, or that they were purposely pissing me off until I snapped, but it was still ultimately my own fault for being unable to control myself.

Maybe Blue was right. I had to control myself, even if it meant I should stop feeling things. Would be safer for people. Or as he kinda put it, make myself feel how I want to feel. It still didn't sit right with me, the artificially making myself feel certain emotions thing. But maybe it would be better? I was still uneasy about it, to be honest. But I really should try harder to control myself.

"Hey, how long are you guys gonna be taking?" Pyronica complained from the doorway.

"I just need to grab a few more things." I called back to her. "You can come in too."

"Right, and have people think I'm into reading." She rolled her eye at me.

"Not a bad thing." I picked out a few more titles that looked interesting. Xanthar slowly shuffled along the ground. "You've been learning to read after all."

"Only 'cause I messed up the lyrics once during karaoke and Teeth wouldn't let me live it down for MONTHS!" Pyronica stomped her foot. Keyhole hid a snicker. Seriously though, all of us telling her that she can do it, learn to read properly. She already knew and recognized the patterns for many words, she just didn't like books, which was fine, books weren't for everyone. But frankly, I think the main problem was that she didn't care enough to put in the brainpower for reading. And yet, despite all my attempts to help (and Blue's attempts to help), what actually, finally made Pyronica actually put in effort, was Teeth teasing her for getting lyrics wrong.

Honestly, same. If I fucked up the lyrics on something, I'm going back and working it over until I got it right.

"Hey, you know… I think you might like Manga. There's tons of pictures along with the words. It'll be easier for you to read~" I materialized a volume of Saiyuki to wave at her. Anime and manga from my human memories were things that only my friends and the Anime Club had access to. I wondered if they understood just how precious these things I shared were? "There's lots of series with sex and violence and shit you like~"

"Quit trying to indoctrinate me into your nerd cult." Pyronica deadpanned.

"I know you enjoyed watching Elfen Lied. And Blood C."

"Heheh, the gore was amazing."

I rolled my eye.

"What's Blood C? I've never heard of it." Keyhole blinked.

"I never showed it to you or… well, anyone aside from Ronica. It's… a very…" I made an uncomfortable sound, "...bloody slasher violence series…" Which was a nice way of putting the bloodbath the series devolves into… I mean, I still liked the show, but it was not something for a person who was squeamish. "It starts as a cute slice of life thing… and then people start getting killed in gruesome ways."

"It's fun!" Pyronica laughed. "The monsters started eating people."

"Quite." I was already going back to the shelves. "Seriously though, at least try reading some manga. It's got pictures, so there's less wordy stuff that you don't like." I was beginning to suspect Pyronica was one of those people who had trouble visualizing things in her head. So pure text wasn't enjoyable to her as visual content and media. In which case, I should try to find what works for her or not. "If my nerd shit becomes mainstream, then you liking it wouldn't be nerdy~" I sing-songed.

"Hm." Pyronica folded her arms but gave me a sideways glance. "If you pick out a few more shops to shop at, I'll read one."

Score!

"Ronica's really going hard on Bill. I guess she's really tired of waiting for Bill to pull herself together. "

Huh? I looked over at 8-Ball, but Keyhole shushed him.

"Oi. What's this thing even about?" Pyronica bent down to look at the manga I was holding.

I let out a squeal. "OK so, this story is super loosely based on this novel that was a cultural basis for all Eastern stories in my old, old dimension. This manga is sort of an adaptation, but it changes a LOT of things to tell its own story, mainly by reversing the character personalities and roles from the original story and its really, really well done-"

I had to explain Journey to the West and what impact it had on all creative media and storytelling.

"-Dragon Ball was a very obvious Journey to the West story in the beginning. It later evolved into its own story, but anyone even a little familiar with the classic would recognize it right away-"

We had left the bookstore by this point, me having purchased what I wanted and still regaling Pyronica with everything that came to mind.

"Saiyuki is just an amazing subversion of everything that anyone who knows Journey to the West would know. Like, in the original, the Buddhist priest is a pacifist, because, duh. But in Saiyuki, he's an asshole chain smoker with a gun with the 2nd highest kill count in the whole party-"

"If you like this series so much, why haven't you shown us the anime for it?" Pyronica walked slowly, giving me her attention as we made our way back around the mall.

I groaned, pulling on my hat in frustration. "Because the anime adaptation doesn't do it justice. The manga art is gorgeous, and the anime toned down all the violence because censorship! They also didn't fully adapt the manga and skipped a bunch of arcs-"

"What if you made an anime adaptation of it?" Keyhole pointed out. I froze in place, mind utterly blown by this idea.

I rotated my bricks around and flew down to press myself right in Keyhole's face. "Yes. This is why you're my evil advisor."

Keyhole pushed me out of his personal space while grinning, "Do I get anything cool for it?"

"Personalized uniform, a throne of discarded bones and wine made from the tears of your enemies." I held out a wine glass. "Steeped with the agonized screams of the damned."

"All great, all great," Keyhole nodded as he took the glass, "But do I get a cool mustache?"

"Unfortunately Hectorgon owns the monopoly on mustaches."

Keyhole snapped his fingers (jealous!) and scoffed, "Then it looks like I'm going to have to smother him in his sleep to take that right from him."

"He'll never see it coming." I agreed.

"The perfect betrayal~" Keyhole downed the wine in a quick movement before twirling the now empty glass in his hand. "Truly, I am devious." he said modestly, with a hand on his chest.

"That's what evil advisors are for." I nodded sagely. "So, my own anime adaptation, huh?"

"You can give it all the blood and violence you want." Keyhole nudged my side.

"I'll need to find animators, composers, voice actors…" I wiggled. "There's so much work! It'll take YEARS!"

"I can just wait for the anime to come out." Pyronica laughed.

"Nope! You have to read the manga!" I whined, tugging on her dress.

"Alright fiiiiine~" Pyronica patted my back. "And I'll compare it viciously with the anime you make, ok?"

"Uwu…" I whined. Pyronica just laughed at me. "How about this, you and I can read the manga together, and then I'll be able to harshly judge your anime adaptation once you get me to like the manga." She fluttered her eyelashes at me. The GALL of that woman!

Hm. For some reason, everyone seemed happier? Less tense? Odd. I hadn't actually noticed it until they relaxed. How long have my friends been tense while appearing 'normal'? Why haven't I noticed?

"Where to next?" Pyronica held Saiyuki volume 1 in one hand as she nudged me with her other.

"Er…" We passed by a dress shop and I paused. Everyone else stopped when they noticed my attention was grabbed. Pyronica leaned over. "Oh, those are cuuuute~"

Yeah. They were. Very pretty. With frills and lace and little bows. Damn, how long has it been since I actually dressed up? It was stupid, but I just wanted to feel pretty. It's been so long. I squeaked when Pyronica picked me up and strolled inside. "Alright, let's check this place out!" Wait! I wasn't emotionally ready!

And we were inside. And my eye was drawn to all the colors and shapes and-

"Go on. Have fun." Pyronica put me down.

I fiddled with my fingers, flicking my bowtie a few times as I looked down, away from all the pretty things around me. I was a little overwhelmed to be honest. I haven't been shopping for stuff like this in so long. I wanted to touch everything, run my fingers along the fabric and feel how it feels.

"No offense Bill, I don't think these fit you?" 8-Ball looked around. I thought about it, glancing at the store associates who were sort of backed away from us. Most of them kept their expression professionally friendly, if a little strained. One girl was obviously new and hadn't learned to control her visage. I could see the mild disgust as she looked at me. I saw the way her three eyes were staring at my sharp corners.

Yeesh. Racist much?

I think Polytools looked the closest to me, and they also got their fair share of odd looks, depending on where they went. The fleshy humanoid species on this planet tended to be more prejudiced against the more inorganically shaped species. Mostly because they don't see them often, as the Federation sometimes organized the dimensions they controlled to sort people into groups of their choosing. The distinction was made for all sorts of reasons, building structures to accommodate them, having governmental aid for specific things that they needed in particular and having them grouped up made it so the Federation didn't need to spread their workforce as thin...

Like, on one hand, I got it. But on the other hand, it was annoying. They could just make things for everyone, it would just be more expensive and difficult. I know that they sorted species by what they were capable of breathing, so they could have a safe atmosphere for the people, figuring out what levels of which gases were safe for the most amount of species… it required a LOT of work. So… like, I get it, ok?

I maintained atmospheric control over the Death Star constantly. I have it specifically set for each of my friends' comfort levels. I have the temperature set for each of them too. Temperature was more important than most people realized. There was a crystalline species that would melt when it got too warm. The Federation's insistence on connecting the multiverse had many pros, but even more cons. Every planet they colonized had native people who had their own needs for survival. I don't get why they kept on trying to expand anyway. At least they're unable to colonize any new dimensions since I've blocked them off, so maybe things would slowly ease out into something more balanced after a few generations as people are forced to actually learn to live together.

Or maybe people are gonna start a war, that would suck. There's already been so many wars I've had to watch, never any fun.

"Eep!" I was picked up by Pyronica again. "Bill, focus. Dress. Cute. Pick one out." She shook me at one of the displays. "I mean, yeah, I guess that wouldn't fit you without major modification…" She moved me over to another display, with much wider dresses. "Much better, right?"

"Eh, they'll make my base look waaaay too wide." I thought about it before shrugging and shifting my form. Pyronica let go as the glowing faded and I landed on the ground as William. I ignored the gasps from the workers. "Besides, I need more clothes for when I'm not a triangle." I brushed my hair out of my eye as I went up and gently touched it. Soft, I lifted the edge of the dress, watching the way it fluttered. Ooh~ like that.

"Hey, can I try this on?" I turned to a sales associate. She was just staring, slack jawed. Which was really gross to look at, since she's a Snekin, and her jaw was dislocated and hanging down by her belly. Wow. Really big mouth. I wonder how many people she could fit in there? Oh. Looks like she was developing an infection in her gums over there. Gross. I didn't like looking at it. Huh, so she's been putting off the teeth exam because she didn't have enough Credits to pay for it. Damn, that sucks. Well it's an easy thing to fix. I twitched my finger, draining out the infected area and healing it over. Much better. I didn't have to be grossed out by her anymore.

They were all just staring at me. It was starting to get uncomfortable. "What's up with them?" I muttered.

"It's because you're really cute in this form." Brite deadpanned. I turned slowly to him. Wut? Brite sighed.

"It's like… seeing you go from being a creepy brick creature, to a…" Brite waved a hand helplessly in my direction, "Lovely little nymph… it's very jarring."

"Not the words I would use. But he's right." Keyhole winced. "I mean, I'm used to it, but for people who don't know you as well…"

"Bill is lovely no matter what form she's in." Pyronica folded her arms. ("You just say that to make Bill feel better. I think Kryptos is the only one who actually finds Bill's Triangle form attractive." Keyhole pointed out.) "Regardless of my own tastes, Bill is still lovely, so there." The Cyclopian rolled her eye.

"Oi, I'm still here." I grumbled. I knew I was cute as William, but it wasn't THAT much of a shock, was it? I glanced over at a mirror in the store and I paused.

Huh?

I know I haven't looked in a mirror while I was William in a long time but… uhhhh...

I walked over to the mirror, staring at myself. The last time I looked at myself in this form was… well, I remember I was a scrawny, noodle limbed cyclops creature. But… uh… I think I can see why Brite called me a nymph now.

I looked a little older. Less like a child, I didn't even realize I could age. I was still slender, but there was some shape along my hips and thighs, my outline wasn't just straight up and down anymore. Sadly nothing in my chest area, but considering it would make no sense for me to develop breasts, that wasn't really a surprise. The development of wider hips though… I didn't know how to feel about that. I know my base would get larger as I got bigger as a triangle, meaning as I got older, but this was… I mean, it wasn't the super round curvyness like I artificially built Xin to be, but that just made my new shape feel more intimate, since they were natural? I hadn't gone too wild with my clothes when I transformed, just a large t-shirt that went down to my upper thighs and some close fitting pants. I turned, still looking at myself. Ok yeah, that curve of my back and the round bump of my butt was really cute. Uhhh when did I develop these curves? I still retained my round face though, eh, have my eyelashes gotten longer?

"Bill?"

"Hey… when did I get older?" I asked to no one in particular, running a hand along my back, tracing the arched shape.

"I mean, aren't your forms somewhat based on your mental state? You've probably matured." Keyhole pointed out. "You… haven't noticed?"

"I haven't been paying attention." I finally tore my gaze away from my reflection. "Is it good?"

"Eh? Does it matter?" 8-Ball looked around. "I mean, you're cute either way. That's good?"

"Hm." Have I matured? I didn't feel like it. I mean, I have gotten pregnant and given birth so does that count? What exactly marks maturity? I will confess, a part of me felt strangely happy that I wasn't gonna look like a child forever! Another part of me worried. Being neotenous was something that I shared with Ax and Time Baby, a part of me was afraid of losing that. That connection with them, as messed up as it was. Another part of me was feeling strangely self conscious, hearing them all tell me that I was cute. I mean, the guards in the prison said it, but I hadn't SEEN myself then, I hadn't realized what they'd meant. I tugged on the bottom of my shirt, my ears twitching.

"Is this what you all mean when you say Cipher has the heart of a maiden?" Brite whispered to 8-Ball.

"Oi, quit staring! You're making her uncomfortable." Pyronica snapped at the store workers. They jumped, averting their eyes and seemingly getting their composure back in order. "Y-You wanted to try that one on?" One of them stuttered out, trying to get back on script for selling, as a way to hide her embarrassment.

I nodded shyly, not quite looking at her as my cheeks felt warm. Keyhole came up to pat my hand, as Xanthar sadly watched from outside the store, he was too big to fit through the door, but his face was pressed against it, blocking the doorway from anyone trying to get in or out. Ok, I guess I could accept that in this case, he was bothering the other shoppers.

While the store lady got a copy of the dress I wanted from the back, I walked over to Xanthar. "Hey, do you wanna shrink down to come in with me?" He nodded. Permission granted, I placed my hand on his face and he compressed into the size of a large dog. I picked him up and buried my face in his fur.

"Is this really bothering you?" I heard Pyronica's voice gently. I felt her hand on my head, claws soothing through my hair. I shrugged. "I don't know. I feel weird."

"Bill, whether you look good in a way that appeals to other people or not, doesn't change the fact that you're always beautiful."

"Even when I lose my temper and sprout tentacles?"

"You and I both know the tentacles just make you hotter."

"Heh." She's got me there.

I hugged Xanthar to myself and approached the sales clerk. She held up the dress on a hanger, "Changing rooms are back there."

"Thank you." I took the dress and headed for the changing room. Xanthar was letting out more 'calm' and 'content', which helped a lot with settling me. I placed him on the bench after I closed the door and set about changing into the dress. And if I was blushing when I stripped and saw myself, well, that's something else entirely. I slipped the dress on, getting Xanthar to help with the buttons, and straightened the ribbons. And then I pressed myself close to the mirror.

Oh, it was so cute! A little loose in the chest, but I could fix that later. I twirled, feeling the fabric flutter against my bare legs. "How do I look?" I asked Xanthar. He gave me a thumbs up. I picked him back up and left the changing room.

"You look amazing Bill." Pyronica praised. 8-Ball scratched his head, "Kinda wish you chose something sexier." He stated. Pyronica stomped on his foot without looking. ("EEEEE!") "Are you gonna try on more?"

"Maybe… not really." I was starting to feel tired. Not physically, but too many people I've been around today. Pyronica walked over and patted my head. "Well buy that, and we can come back some other time."

I nodded, reaching out to grip onto her cape. She allowed it and walked a little slowly so I could stay by her side as we went to the checkout counter. I paid for my dress before raising my arms, Pyronica took my cue to pick me up and cradle me again.

"Sorry I'm being so needy."

"Not a problem, don't apologize." She reached over to pick up mini-Xanthar to drop him onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his fur. "Can we go home?"

"...alright." Pyronica turned on her heel and strolled briskly out of the store. Everyone followed, 8-Ball taking up the rear. They tended to do this kind of formation a lot when we were in public spaces. The strongest fighters in the front or back, with the fragile ones (Keyhole) in the middle.

"Wanna stop for ice cream before we go home?" Pyronica asked the group, but mostly directing it to me.

"I would like that." I leaned my head against her chest. I complained a lot about how small I was, but I liked how easily I fit into Pyronica's arms, so I guess it's OK to be so tiny. I closed my eye, enjoying the rocking feeling as she walked, her high heels clicking loudly along the tiled floor.

I felt the mall security hovering behind pillars as we passed, guns at the ready. They didn't see 'me' so they were debating if they should try attacking or not. Of course, they were intelligent enough to realize I could simply be hiding out of sight, waiting for them to try and mess with my friends, so they were just observing for now. Still, I was a little annoyed at them in general for the sour 'distrust' that I filtered out with practice. I didn't feel like making a fuss, so I merely jammed all their weapons and glued their shoes to the ground remotely. I hid a smile against Xanthar when I heard some of them scream and fall over.

I was filtering, I was. I could taste their emotions, to know what they were feeling, but I wasn't letting it inside me anymore. I only wanted Xanthar for that. I needed Xanthar for that. I know my therapist said that she couldn't prescribe me any medication for anxiety due to my non-human biology, but it was fine. I was self medicating.

I hoped I was doing it right. I probably wasn't. But it's not like anyone's told me otherwise and for the moment it worked. I snuggled with my first friend and felt him snuggle back. He felt happy, truly happy, for the first time in a while. It wasn't like he'd been unhappy, but his feelings had always been twinged with a hint of worry for a long time. So it was nice to see he was feeling better.

"We're here. What flavors you guys want?" Pyronica lifted me a little. I blinked my eye open and glanced at the board.

"Nurple in a cake cone." "Cracked Concrete in a small cup with the glucose crumbles." "Mint Arsenic in a small cup, plain." The others called out. I read over the list. "Snozzleberry on a waffle bowl for me. And… I think Xanthar wants the Honeyooze in a cup with extra whipped cream."

"You got all that?" Pyronica asked the man behind the counter. He nodded one of his heads, the other turned around to call out the others to the people in the back. "Did you want something too ma'am?" The first head asked Pyronica.

"I'm not too into ice cream. But can I get a small cup of those chirries that you usually put on top?"

We sat down after I paid for our orders. Brite seemed slightly more ok with me paying for his stuff, at the very least, he didn't protest this time. I could see his brain twitching, so he was definitely thinking hard about something. I couldn't decipher his emotions though. It was a complicated mix of stuff, tasted weird.

I put it out of mind and happily took my ice cream when it was brought out. Mmmmm~

It was delicious. And I was happy. I was. I swear I was.

"Bill?"

I felt the warmth flowing down my face, and I wiped at my eye.

I was happy, I was. I had cute clothes, I had yummy food. I had no reason to be crying.

Keyhole pressed himself against my side. Xanthar wrapped his arms around my waist. Pyronica laid her hand on my back. 8-Ball didn't fit, since he was on the other side of the table, but he gave me a crooked smile. I wiped at my eye again. "I'm fine." I told them.

"Don't worry. We know." Keyhole nibbled on his ice cream without moving away from me.

I ate my ice cream and continued crying.