TW: Descriptions of sexual assault

Rose stirred a few times in the night, her dreams tormenting her. Sometimes Tommy could keep her asleep by stroking her head and holding her close. Sometimes he couldn't and she would sit up and cry as he held her and soothed her, coaxing her back to sleep again next to him. By the time morning arrived, its cold February fingers drawing a border of frost around the inside of the windows, Rose and Tommy were weary. He got up to light a new fire and she stayed curled up under the covers, holding Fred close for warmth. She watched Tommy as he worked.

"I'm sorry I kept you awake."

He glanced over at her. "Don't be sorry."

She watched for a while longer as he lit the fire and coaxed it into life.

"What's happening today?"

He stood up and sat on her bed, looking down at her.

"I have to work today, Mouse. Polly will come and sit with you in the morning, then Arthur in the afternoon."

Rose nodded. She was glad he wasn't expecting her to go to work.

"The drug should be out of your system in 48 hours. Until then, you're going to feel terrible, I'm afraid."

She already did feel terrible – she was cold and yet she was sweating, her stomach ached, her head was sore, her eyes and mouth dry, she was light-headed and nauseous, not to mention the permanent anxiety and panic she was feeling. Tommy went to get dressed, then came back.

"I'll be off as soon as Polly arrives then. Do as she tells you, eh? I'll be back tonight." He leant down and kissed her on the cheek. "You'll be ok."

Rose watched him leave the room and pulled the covers further up and round herself. She didn't feel like she would ever be ok again. She heard the front door open and Polly's voice as she spoke to Tommy who then left, pulling the door closed behind him. Polly moved around downstairs, no doubt lighting fires and getting the house ready for a new day. Rose heard her footsteps on the stairs and then Polly appeared in her room.

"Morning, Rose. I hear you had a long night, keeping Tommy up like you used to when you were a baby and wouldn't settle."

"I feel terrible, Aunt Pol."

"Well, obviously, you're in withdrawal."

"Did you feel like this when you stopped taking your pills?"

"Yeah, it wasn't pleasant. But it won't help you to lie in bed thinking about it. You can get up and get washed for a start – you smell."

Rose knew she did, she'd been sweating since last night. But she didn't have the energy to get up.

"I can't get up."

"Course you can, you just don't want to. I'll go and draw the bath. You want the tin one in here or the one in the bathroom?"

Tommy had had hot water plumbed into number six but a tin bath in front of the fire was what they'd grown up with.

"I'll use the bathroom."

"Good, it's easier than lugging pots full of water into the room."

Polly left to run the bath and Rose worked at sitting up. She sat on the edge of the bed, feeling dizzy, trying not to be sick. There was nothing in her stomach to bring up. She took a sip of water and resisted lying back down. Polly came back in and helped her onto her feet, supporting her as she shuffled to the bathroom. Once she was sure Rose was ok, she left her to it and went to change the sheets on her bed. She laid out some clothes for her and went downstairs to make breakfast.

When Rose came down the stairs, she entered a warm kitchen with the smell of bacon cooking. She immediately gagged, putting a hand over her mouth and gripping the back of a chair. Polly rolled her eyes.

"Bacon is your favourite."

Rose shook her head. "Not at the moment."

Polly sighed and took the pan off the stove, putting the bacon on a plate which she placed on the floor for Fred. He was delighted – it was as if all his Christmases had come as once. Rose sat down at the table near the fire and Polly poured her a cup of tea, putting two spoonfuls of sugar in it. Rose took the cup Polly handed to her, pulled her knees up in front of her and held the cup in both hands, enjoying its warmth. Polly sat down across from her.

"Can I have a cigarette, Aunt Pol?"

Polly lit one of her slim-line cigarettes and handed it to Rose who took a drag immediately. Polly watched her as she smoked and sipped her tea.

"You need to eat something, Rose."

"I'm not hungry."

"Doesn't matter. You need food inside you. I'll make you some toast."

So Polly made her some toast and Rose nibbled a piece, not eating much but Polly figured it was better than nothing. She stood up.

"Come on, you can help me wash up."

"Aunt Pol…"

"I know you're feeling awful but if you keep busy, it'll take your mind off it. Come on."

Rose stood up carefully, took the tea towel that Polly handed her and dried the dishes as Polly washed them.

"How do you like working with Michael?"

"It's fine. He's an easy boss."

"Yeah, he's a good boy. He cares about you, you know."

Rose nodded. She knew he did. She wondered if Polly knew about what had happened to Michael when he was a child, but decided not to ask.

"Do you think Esme will come back, Aunt Pol?"

"No, not for a long time. She thinks we're cursed. But those kids are still Shelbys. They may come back one day, like Michael did."

"Maybe they're better off staying away."

Polly looked at her sharply. "No one is better off without their family. Blood is stronger than anything else."

Rose was about to answer when a wave of dizziness came over her. She gripped the edge of the counter and closed her eyes, swaying. Polly put an arm round her and took the towel off her. "Come on, let's sit down." She led her into the front room and sat her down on the sofa, putting a blanket round her shoulders. Rose pulled the blanket closer, tucked her feet under her and lay back against the sofa with her eyes closed, waiting for the dizziness to pass. Polly sat down next to her and waited. Gradually, Rose felt better and opened her eyes. Her head hurt. Polly smiled at her.

"Better?"

Rose shrugged. "Tommy said it would be two days before I was better."

"That sounds about right. And then, you'll feel better physically but you'll still want the pills. You'll still want to get away from it all. And that will be a harder battle."

Rose looked into the fire. She knew Polly was right – and it scared her.

"Aunt Pol, how do people live with all the bad things that have happened to them?"

"They often don't. Everyone wants to escape."

"So, why can't I?"

"Because your means of escape was going to kill you. Those pills are dangerous."

"So, if I was drinking or taking snow or beating people to death, then no one would mind?"

"Maybe. Though not the beating people to death. Teenage girls don't usually do that. But you're still a child, Rose, and people want to save children."

"And if I were an adult, I could do whatever I wanted?"

"Most adults do. Doesn't do them a blind bit of good though, does it? Tommy doesn't want you to repeat his mistakes."

Rose faked a shocked face. "Tommy makes mistakes?"

Polly grinned at Rose who smiled back.

"Rose, whatever you're trying to escape, you can't. You need to talk about it. Share the burden so you don't have to carry it alone."

Rose looked away. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because … I don't want to remember."

"You've tried to forget it for a year. How did that work?"

Rose looked back at her. She hadn't thought about it like that before. "It hurts to remember."

"I know. But it'll just get worse if you ignore it. Let someone help you."

Rose looked away, shaking her head. Polly sighed.

"Rose, do you know why I shot Campbell?"

Looking back at her, surprised at her question, Rose frowned. "Because he locked Michael up."

Polly nodded grimly. "That wasn't the only reason. I went to the prison to see Michael and they took me to see him, Campbell. He had a form, a release form. He said that if he signed it, Michael would be released the next day. I thought maybe he wanted information from me but he didn't."

Polly paused, cleared her throat and looked down at her hands. Rose was looking at her in shock. She hadn't known Polly had seen Campbell whilst Michael was in prison. Polly was finding this hard but held her head up and looked into the fire.

"He wanted me."

Rose's hands flew to her ears. She didn't want to hear the rest. She didn't want Polly to continue her story, but her aunt carried on nonetheless.

"I pushed him away at first. He hit me, grabbed my throat. Said he wanted me to cry. Then he threatened to throw me out and … I begged him not to. This was the only way to get Michael out of prison. So, I let him … I let him do whatever he wanted to me. He raped me."

Her voice broke. She stopped talking. Tears filled her eyes at the memory. The pain and the humiliation and the shame came flooding back and she sat, trembling slightly, trying to regain control. She hissed the next words.

"That's why I shot him."

Rose's hands were still clamped over her ears but she heard every word. She was horrified. She'd had no idea. And listening to Polly's experience brought her own right back like it had happened yesterday. Her face lost what little colour it had and her breathing accelerated as the panic rose. Polly looked at her and knew what was happening.

"Tell me what happened, Rose. Share it with me."

Rose stared at Polly. She was scared. Polly nodded at her and Rose let go. She hugged her knees to her chest tightly. Her voice shook as she spoke quietly.

"They took me to his office. He had an office in the home. Two sisters took me there and I was in a nightgown because it was bedtime. He was sitting at his desk and he smiled when he saw me. The sisters left me there, alone with him, and I was so scared."

She paused. She too had started to tremble. This was the first time she had allowed herself to think about it, let alone talk about it. Polly waited, tears in her eyes as she anticipated what would come next. After a long pause, Rose continued.

"He said he'd been looking forward to seeing me. He came over to me, took my hand and led me back to his chair. I should have pulled away and fought him, Aunt Pol, I know I should have. Tommy would have wanted me to, but I just couldn't. It was like it wasn't really me, like I was watching it from the other side of the room."

Polly nodded understandingly. She didn't speak, not wanting to interrupt Rose's fragile openness. Rose took a deep breath and carried on.

"He made me sit on his lap and … he stroked my hair and said how beautiful it was and how he wished they hadn't cut it … and then … he touched me …"

Tears were streaming down Rose's cheeks now and Polly was also crying.

"It's ok, Rose. You don't have to carry on…"

"No, I do. He kept saying horrible things about what he wanted to do to me, he told me I'd always be his, that my family would never ever find me. And then … then … he made me to kneel down in front of him … and he … he…"

Rose couldn't finish. She broke down completely, crying quietly. Polly moved quickly next to her, put her arms round her and held her close. Rose clung to her aunt, completely vulnerable and in so much pain. Polly knew exactly how she felt and she was sad for her. She was also angry for her niece, furious at how she'd been used and assaulted, put at the mercy of evil men. She held her and rocked her and cried with her. Then, she took her shoulders and gently pushed her away, looking at her.

"Rose, you need to tell me - after that, did he do anything else to you?"

Rose shook her head. "Alfie arrived before he could. But he was going to, he told me."

"And Alfie shot him? Dead?"

"Yes"

"And you saw it? The body?"

Rose nodded.

"Then you know that he can't hurt you anymore. Just like Campbell can't hurt me anymore. And the memories won't change, but you will. You will become stronger and better and realise that this isn't who you are. You are not just his victim, you are more than that – so much more, my sweetheart. You can take back the control he took from you."

Rose laid her head back on Polly's shoulder and took comfort in her embrace. She didn't know if any of that would be true for her. All she knew was that she was exhausted, but that she also felt strangely lighter. Sharing her experience with Polly had brought an unexpected release and all she wanted was to lean against her aunt and feel safe. Polly stroked her hair.

"Rose, my sweetheart, you will never ever be alone in this. I promise you."

Rose sat in Polly's embrace for long while. Polly knew she needed time to let what had just happened work itself out in her mind. She was feeling more vulnerable than she had ever felt. And the withdrawal for the pills was getting worse. Rose was feeling like death warmed up. Her head was pounding, she felt sick to her stomach and she was shivering uncontrollably. Polly wrapped her in another blanket but it didn't make much difference. She knew the drug needed to get out of Rose's system and that she would just have to go through it.

When Arthur arrived a couple of hours later, Rose was lying on the sofa looking as bad as she felt. Arthur was taken aback when he saw her. Polly began to put on her coat. He looked at her nervously.

"Er, Pol, I'm not very good at this kind of thing."

"You'll be fine, Arthur, just sit with her. She had a bit of soup for lunch and threw it up again. Just make her sweet cups of tea and try and get her to eat some toast later. And don't let her out of your sight."

"Right, sounds simple. Pol, I need to tell you something."

Polly looked at him frowning. What now? Arthur told her about the non-existent ambush that morning and that Luca had instead gone to the hospital. He assured her Michael was fine but Polly blanched. What was Luca playing at? She'd asked for an assurance that Michael wouldn't get hurt. She hurried out of the house and into the car which would take her to the hospital. Arthur closed the door behind her, turned round to look at Rose and shook his head. She looked terrible. He went and sat on the edge of the sofa. He took her hand. It was hot and clammy. Her eyes flickered open and she looked at him. Her voice was weak.

"Is Michael ok?"

"Yes, he's fine. The gun jammed, thankfully. You need to worry about yourself, Rosie, what have you done?"

She smiled slightly. "Tummy bug."

He laughed and pushed her hair out of her face. "Do you need anything?"

She shook her head, then regretted it as her head throbbed even more. She closed her eyes again. Arthur stroked her head, feeling helpless.

"Arthur, tell me what happened this morning."

So, at a loss to know what else to talk about, Arthur told Rose the story of his invitation to lunch and the ambush that wasn't. Rose listened, glad for the distraction.

"Why would Luca go after Michael again when he could have got you or Tommy?"

Arthur hadn't thought about that. "I don't know, Rosie. These Italians don't think like us."

"But it makes no sense. Why go to all that effort to kill Michael? What's so special about Michael? And surely Luca would make sure his gun didn't jam."

"Maybe he just enjoyed playing with us. Well, he won't be playing for long, I'll tell you that."

"Tell me about the Italians you killed in the factory."

Arthur stood up. He didn't want to talk about that, especially not with his young sister. He was more than a little concerned about her since she'd killed the man at the station.

"How about a nice cup of tea, eh?"

He didn't wait for an answer, just turned and went to the kitchen. Rose closed her eyes again. She didn't want a cup of tea but he was already gone. She closed her eyes again. She was tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. She craved a pill, no she craved two or three – she wanted relief and release, to drift away and not feel anything, to not remember. It was so much easier.

"It's not supposed to be easy."

Rose's eyes flew open and she saw her mother stood in front of the fire. She sat up slowly, glad to see her. Her mother smiled at her.

"Mum - I didn't think I'd see you again."

"Why not?"

"Because I've stopped taking the pills."

"John told me what you did to that man."

"I had to, Mum."

Her mother moved over to the sofa and sat next to her. "I know, Rose. You had no choice. It was him or you. And you always have to make sure it's you."

"So, you're not disappointed?"

Her mother took her hand. "I could never be disappointed in you, my child. You are so strong."

"I'm not. All I want is another pill."

"Then go and get one."

Rose looked at her mother is shock. "What?"

"Go and get one. Arthur's in the kitchen, the door is unlocked, his coat is on the chair. It probably has money in it."

Rose looked round and could see she was right. "But Mum, you're not supposed to tempt me like that."

"But how else will we continue to see each other. If you stop taking them, then you'll never see me again."

Rose put her head in her hands. She was confused. Tommy would be so disappointed in her. But she desperately wanted another pill. She looked up, about to ask her mother what was the right thing to do – but her mother had gone. She was alone in the room, just Fred lying by the fire. She stood up carefully and walked to the chair where Arthur's coat was. She picked it up and began to rummage in the pockets. She had just closed her hand around some notes when Arthur returned to the room with two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits on a tray. She let go of the money and dropped the coat back on the chair. Arthur looked at her sternly.

"What are you doing, Rosie?"

"I was just looking for a handkerchief to blow my nose." How easily the lies still came.

Arthur wasn't born yesterday. He put the tray down on the table and straightened up, putting his hands in his pockets.

"What do you want money for?"

"No, I just wanted a handkerchief."

"Do I look like I'm stupid, eh? Off to buy some more pills, is it? Going off in search of the local drug dealer?"

Rose gave up the pretence and looked at the floor. She didn't answer him.

Arthur sighed and sat down on the armchair nearest to him. He indicated the sofa.

"Sit down."

Rose moved to the sofa and gladly sat down. She pulled her legs up and tucked her feet under her.

"When you commit to something, Rose, you need to…"

"How come you and Linda can snort as much snow as you like, but I'm the addict? Hey? Tommy drinks like a fish. Even Finn can drink as much as he likes and no one stops him. He's only a year older than me. He introduced you to snow when he was my age. Why is it suddenly wrong when I do it."

"You know why."

"I do. It's because everyone thinks that they can make up for their own mistakes by making me live the way they should have and I'm not allowed to decide for myself because I'm young and I'm a girl."

Arthur was quiet for a moment.

"You're right. You are. We've made a mess of our lives, Rosie. We want better for you. And for Finn and our kids. You can look at us and learn how to be better."

"I can't be better, Arthur. There is no way for a Shelby to be better."

"Yeah, there is. You let us, me and Tommy, take the old ways with us, the violence and the anger and the drugs and the drink. You leave it with us and when we die, it'll die with us."

Rose looked at her oldest brother and noticed how tired he looked.

"I don't want you to die, Arthur."

"I don't want you to either. So you have to lay off them pills, eh?"

Rose laid her head back. "I don't really have a choice, do it?"

"Not right now, but when you're better, it'll be a choice you'll have to make every day. Can't keep you locked in here forever, can we?"

"Tommy would."

Arthur chuckled. "Yeah, maybe."

"I'm not locked in, by the way."

"What?"

"The front door is unlocked."

Arthur looked at the door and realised she was right. He stood up and went to lock it, putting the key in his pocket, thankful he'd returned when he had. He could only imagine Tommy's rage if he'd lost her.

Rose spent the afternoon, alternating between lying on the sofa, shivering and in pain, and pacing the room nervously, longing for a pill, desperately trying to think of ways to get one. Arthur worked hard to comfort her, distract her and stop her from climbing out of the window. He was exhausted when Tommy finally made it home.

"You're late."

"Paid Aberama. Man drives a hard bargain."

Arthur scoffed. Tommy ignored him. He looked at Rose who was lying on the sofa. She was pale and staring into the fire. She looked like she'd had a rough day.

"How is she?"

Arthur shrugged. "How does she look? Had to watch her the whole time. She's been craving them pills."

They shared a look of concern then Arthur walked over and bent down to kiss Rose on the head.

"Good night, Rosie. I'm proud of you."

"G'night, Arthur."

Arthur kissed her again and headed out of the front door. Tommy locked it behind him and took his coat off, hanging it on the hooks by the door, then his jacket, throwing it on the chair. He went and sat on the sofa, looking down at Rose.

"Been hard today, eh?"

She didn't answer, just reached out and took hold of his hand. She whispered. "I'm glad you're home."

"Me too."

He stood up and poured himself a drink. Returning to Rose, he carefully lifted up her head and manoeuvred himself onto the sofa, lowering her head carefully onto his lap. He stoked her hair and joined her in staring into the fire. He too had had a long day. He was glad to be home, with Rose close to him, the whiskey going down smoothly. He'd gone to see Charlie at Ada's who had been asleep, and now that he knew all his family was safe, he could allow the day to end before thinking of the next one. For the first time that day, Rose was able to relax, although she still felt terrible. Tommy was here.

The night passed much the same way as the previous one – Rose tormented by nightmares, Tommy doing his best to comfort her. Towards the morning, Rose finally seemed to rest. She lay against Tommy, sleeping deeply and soundly, barely moving. Tommy, hopeful that she had turned a corner, was also able to sleep.

He woke before her and quietly extracted himself from the bed, leaving her fast asleep as he began his day. It was a busy one starting with a meeting with May. He allowed himself a smile as he thought about her. He'd booked her a suite at the Midland, but she was a woman who had never fallen at his feet. He liked the way she didn't put up with his nonsense but her well-bred background grated on him, caused him to put up walls and push her away. He shook his head as he put in his cufflinks. He'd have to watch himself today.

Rose was still sleeping when he went back into her room so he decided to leave her. Ada was coming over to spend the day with her. He ruffled Fred's head.

"Stay with her, boy. She'll need you when she wakes up."

Fred thumped his tail against the bed as he watched Tommy leave. He didn't need to be told to stay with her. His mistress wasn't herself and he wouldn't leave her side until she was.

Unaware of any of this, Rose was dreaming. She was in back in the beer tent. She could smell the alcohol, the wood from the tent frame; she could hear the noise of the people in there talking and laughing; she could feel the sawdust under her feet; and she could see phone booth in front of her. Campbell was in there, on the phone. She frowned. Something was missing. She looked round, searching for someone, but she couldn't find them. She felt a sense of urgency. He couldn't get away. She looked down at the bag she was holding – it was Polly's. It was heavy. She knew what was inside it. Opening the clasp, she took out the gun. It was small and fit perfectly in her hand. She walked swiftly to the phone booth, opened the door and went inside, turning to face Campbell, pulling the door closed behind her. He looked at her in surprise then smiled greedily.

"There you are, bella regazza. Be a good girl now, I don't want to hurt you."

And despite the fear and the panic, Rose didn't falter. She lifted up the gun, pushed it into his stomach and pulled the trigger. The gunshot rang through the tent and, in Watery Lane, it woke Rose up. But this time, Rose didn't wake with a start, covered in sweat and full of fear. This time, her eyes opened gently as her head rested on her pillow and she took in the new day. And slowly, confidently, she smiled.