Title: Turn Back the Clocks

Summary: A post-Paraguay story. Mac is forced into counseling, and comes to terms with Paraguay, Harm, and her life in general.

Notes:

Part Twenty-Two - Mac

"I kind of agree with Harm here."

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my coffee. "You don't even like Harm."

Sophie winces and wipes at an already clean spot on the counter. "That isn't true." I raise an eyebrow and she lets out a soft sigh. "I don't dislike him, Sarah. I don't really know him. I'll admit, I don't like some of the things you've told me about him, but I know it's complicated because we met when things were strained between the two of you."

She's right, of course, and I imagine if our roles were reversed, I would feel the same way. I do want her to get to know Harm – the real Harm. The kind, courteous, charming man I know and love; not the moody and petty man I was mourning when she and I first met. "I know. And maybe once this thing with Webb has blown over the two of you can meet properly."

"I'd like that," she says. And I know she's sincere. "But I still agree with him. I don't know why the Webb thing needs to blow over in the first place, but I know he doesn't deserve your kindness or your forgiveness."

"He does, though." I lean forward and lower my voice. "You know there is so much about this ordeal that I can't tell you. But you need to understand that he nearly died trying to protect me." I feel cold as I remember his screams. "But it wasn't just what happened on the most recent mission. He was my friend for a long time, and I don't want to hate him over one drunken moment of weakness."

"Drunken moment of weakness?" Her voice was loud, and I blushed as I felt the eyes of her customers on us. She reached across the counter and placed a hand on my arm and lowered her voice. "He tried to force himself on you!"

The coffeeshop went completely quiet for a moment, and then the silence was broken by the sound of someone clearing their throat. I closed my eyes, instinctively knowing that Webb had arrived. Sophie's eyes widened and her eyes darted around the room. I know she was embarrassed that her screeching had been louder than the bells on the door. She picked up a coffee pot and bit her lower lip.

"I'm going to go refill cups. Sit wherever you like and I'll come by in a minute."

I nod and turn to face Webb. He looks much better than he did the last time I saw him, which is a relief. He's too thin, and his face is lined in places it wasn't before. But he looks better. Healthier. "Webb."

"Sarah. Hi."

That moment was sure to be one of the most awkward of my life. I don't know what to say or how to act around him, and I think that maybe Harm and Sophie are right – maybe seeing him is a huge mistake. He tentatively reaches for me, and I know he means me no harm; especially not in this public place. But I see his hand moving toward me, and I instantly feel like I'm back in his filthy apartment in a ripped blouse while he leers at me. I take a step back and his face reddens as his hand falls to his side.

"I'm sorry," he says softly.

I swallow and force myself to calm down. I take a deep breath and then gesture to a relatively private table in the corner. "Let's sit." He follows me to the table I had gestured to and we both take a seat. Neither of us say anything, and I'm filled with relief when Sophie stops by the table and looks at Webb.

"Anything for you?"

He glances at the menu board on the wall behind the counter and then back at her. "Tea." She opens her mouth and he shakes his head. "Whatever doesn't have caffeine in it. I'm not particular." Sophie nods, shoots me a look, and then disappears to the counter.

"You look better than you did the last time I saw you." He gives me a half smile and leans back in his chair.

"So do you." My eyes widen, and his face reddens. "I'm sorry – that's probably inappropriate. I mean, I'm here to beg for your forgiveness. I should probably…" He trails off and looks at his hands. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."

But I do. As fucked up as he was, he still noticed that I was a bleak version of my normal self. As much as I wish that I could change things, and take back the night we had sex, I can't and what's done is done. He has seen me naked. There hadn't been foreplay, and he hadn't lingered – hovering above me, taking every inch of me in the way Harm does – but it was obvious that I was too thin and too pale. I decide to put him out of his misery and shrug. "I lost a lot of weight after we got back. Going to therapy helped. Once I started dealing with everything, I got my appetite back."

"I'm glad you found something that helped. Something productive anyway." I nod, but don't say anything else. We both turn as Sophie returns to our table and sets a mug of tea in front of him.

"It's citrus mint," she clarifies. "Milk or sugar?"

He shakes his head. "No, just honey." She pulls a squeeze bottle of honey from her apron pocket and sits it next to the mug.

"I'll be over there if you need anything." We both nod, and she gives me a look before walking away.

"Friend of yours?"

I nod. "Yeah. We met a few months ago."

He nods and wraps his hands around the mug. He stares into the liquid for a moment, and moves the metal diffuser around. Finally, he looks up and meets my eyes. "I am so, so sorry. Sarah, I am-" He swallows hard. "I'm so sorry. I know the words aren't enough. Not for dragging you into this whole mess to begin with, or for anything that happened after we got home." His hands shake as he lifts the mug to his lips. "I've wanted you for so long," he confesses. His cheeks redden and I look away. "I knew things were rough at JAG because of Lieutenant Singer's death, and I knew you and Harm were drifting apart. And I thought this was finally my chance. I thought I could bring you along with me, let you see me in action. I thought you'd see me in a different light, and this would bring us together."

"I know." He raises an eyebrow and I can't help but smile. "I knew you had a crush on me, Webb. I've known probably since that fiasco at the Sudanese Embassy." My smile fades and I sigh softly. "But I've never felt the same way. And I know this whole thing was your idea, but you didn't do this alone. You don't owe me an apology for Paraguay." I lick my lips and glance at Sophie. She's subtly watching us, and having her nearby makes me feel stronger. "And you've apologized for the night you… Well. The night before you went to the hospital." He reddens but nods, and I lean forward. "The apology I need is for everything that happened in between."

He frowned. "I don't understand."

I leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest. "You knew things were bad at JAG, and things were beyond bad with Harm. You knew I was a basket case and was barely holding my life together. You knew how I felt about him, and yet you pursued me relentlessly. You knew I was drowning in guilt for the state you were in, and my part in it, and you knew I wanted to help you in any way I could. You took advantage of that."

Webb turns his attention back to the mug and nods. "I did."

"I know."

He looks up and his eyes are wet. "I'm so sorry, Sarah."

"Why?" He frowns and I lean forward again. "You were my friend. You were his friend."

He shakes his head. "I was drinking a lot, but you already know that. I knew about your past – your alcoholism. And during those rare moments of sobriety, I thought that you were the only one who could really understand what I was going through. I would have a drink to take the edge off, and I'd tell myself it would just be that one. And for drinks one and two, I would think of you, and wonder how you managed to stay sober with everything that had happened. And then for a while, the only time I didn't have a drink in my hand was when you were with me. I didn't need the alcohol when I was with you." He runs his tongue over his lower lip, and I look away. "It wasn't just lust, Sarah. I was in love with you."

My eyes widen in surprise. I never expected to hear Clayton Webb say those words about anyone.

"I loved you," he continues, "and I wanted you. And God, I wanted to be sober. I really thought that if I had you, I wouldn't need the vodka. So, I pursued you. And I am so goddamned sorry." He shakes his head, and sips his tea again. "I never, ever meant to hurt you."

I don't say anything for a while. I want to, because the silence is uncomfortable, but I don't know what to say. I don't want to tell him that it's all okay, because it isn't. Thanks to my father constantly calling me a whore, I've never taken sex lightly. I've been cautious with who I give my body to. And with Webb, I did treat it as a commodity. And I regret that more than I can possibly say.

"Sarah?"

I let out a breath, and stand. He stands too, and we stare at one another. "I forgive you," I start. "I'm in a good place, and I'm happy. And I don't want to carry the pain and the anger forward with me. I'm relieved that rehab seemed to work for you, and that you're in a better place. And I wish you all the best. But Webb… I don't want to see you again. I don't want you to call me again."

"Sarah…" He trails off and I can tell by the set of his jaw that he wants to argue with me. But then he nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Okay. But I can I ask one thing?" I nod and he lets out a breath. "Are you and Harm…?"

He trails off again, but the question is an obvious one, and I simply nod.

"Okay then." He pulls out his wallet and leaves some money on the table for our drinks. "Okay. Take care of yourself, Sarah."

I'm not sure how, but I know he'll honor my request not to contact me again. I know this is goodbye. I reach out and touch his arm gently. "Goodbye Clay." He glances down at my hand and then nods as I pull it away. I watch him leave and once he's out of the shop I sink back into my chair.

"You okay?"

I look up at Sophie and smile. "Yeah. I'm okay."

I stay at the coffee shop a little longer once Webb leaves. I finish my coffee and tell Sophie about everything that just happened. She's sympathetic and supportive, but as much as I appreciate her friendship, I'd much rather talk about all of this with Harm.

I miss him.

It's only been three days since we spoke at his house, but I really, really miss him. It feels a little silly to feel this way. It's not like we've seen each other every day since he's been back, but the days I haven't seen him I've at least talked to him. But now it's been three days since I've heard his voice and I miss him.

I think about him the whole drive home. He said he needed a few days, and it's been three. I told him to call me when he was ready to talk, but I briefly wonder how he would react if I called him. We love each other – it should be okay for me to call him.

But it turns out I don't need to call him. I pull into a parking space across the street from my place and I see him sitting on the stoop. I get out of the car and slowly make my way to him. He stands when he spots me, and I'm overwhelmed with how strong my feelings are for him. I love him. I'm completely, irrevocably in love with him.

"Hey."

He immediately reaches for me. "Hey."

His voice is thick and even though it's December and 18 degrees outside I feel warm all over. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you." His hands move to my hips and he pulls me close. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." I stretch up to kiss him. "Want to come inside?"

"Yeah."

He lets go of me, and I unlock the door and let us inside. I shut and lock the door, and turn my attention back to him. "Were you waiting long?"

"Not really."

"Want anything?" He shakes his head and I shrug off my coat and scarf. "Your timing is interesting."

He raises an eyebrow. "Why's that?"

"I saw Webb today." He sucks in a breath and I force myself not to react. He doesn't say anything, but I know he wants to. Even after the months we spent apart, I still know him almost as well as I know myself. And I know he wants to say something, but he's being cautious.

"How was it?" He finally manages.

I shrug. "Webb seems to be doing better."

He blushes and neatens the stack of mail on island. "I know. I uh – I saw him a few days ago."

My eyes widen with surprise. "You saw him?"

"Yeah." He takes off his coat and move past him to hang it up. "I know it kind of makes me a hypocrite, since I didn't want you to see him. But I couldn't help myself. I went by his place after you left the other day."

"Why couldn't you help yourself?" I watch him hang up the coat and come back to me. His hands move to my hips again, and I itch for him to move past the denim and cashmere and put his hands on my skin.

"I'm ashamed to tell you," he says. "I don't want you to think less of me."

His voice is soft and uncertain, and I place my palms against his chest. "You can tell me anything," I whisper.

He covers my hands with his and squeezes gently. "Let's go sit. Please." I nod and we make our way to the sofa. I tug off my boots and pull my legs up beneath me. I turn to him and he runs a finger down my cheek. "After we got back from Paraguay I wished-" He swallows hard. "God… I wished I hadn't saved him."

"Oh, Harm." I place my hand on his leg and trail my fingers over his thigh. He is the most heroic man I've ever known. He has willingly sacrificed himself for the people he loves and total strangers more times than I can count. Him wishing that he had let Webb die over there had to have really eaten at him. "I'm so sorry."

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one that spent months wishing I had let a friend die."

I look away from him, feeling shame and guilt. "Yeah, because of me."

He shakes his head. "Don't do that. Come here." He shifts on the couch and tugs me onto his lap. "We can go back and forth on this all day. I mean, I should have told you why I resigned my commission and came to Paraguay for you. And then you'd say that you should have told me how hurt you were about Singer before you left, and then I would say that I should have told you about my suspicions about Singer's baby before she died." He closes his eyes and thinks for a moment. "I can't remember what's next. Maybe the JAGathon? Or you turning me away on the Guadalcanal? Then of course there was your engagement party, and then we end up back in Australia."

I shake my head and bite my lower lip. "And eventually we end up in your office before you leave JAG and instead of crying over non-existent plants, I should've told you how I actually felt."

He smiles and runs his hand over the back of my head. "Anyway. I went to see him because I needed to come to terms with my own feelings about him. And I realized you were right. I'm in a good place, and I don't want to carry those feelings into our future."

Our future. Those words are glorious. "Our future," I repeat.

He grins and nods. "Yeah. Our future." His grin fades slightly. "We do have a future, right?"

"God, yes," I whisper. His hand tangles in my hair and pulls me close for a kiss. "I love you. I love you so much."

His lips move from my lips and move over my jaw. "I love you too."

I push against his chest and stand. "Come upstairs with me." He stands and I take his hand. "This is still too new for me to go three days without you."

He smiles and kisses me again. "I agree completely."

I turn to the stairs and he places his hands on my hips and follows me upstairs. The contact makes walking difficult, but I'll never complain about his hands on me. We finally make it to my bedroom, and I turn to face him. He slides his hands under my sweater and I finally have his hands on my skin.

"I love you," he whispers into my neck.

I will never, ever get tired of hearing that. He could say those words multiple times every single day for the rest of our lives and I think they will always give me a thrill. "I love you." I run my hand over the waist of his jeans and unbutton them. "I love you," I repeat.

Harm pulls off my sweater and tosses it aside. He eyes me appreciatively. "You're so beautiful. So unbelievably beautiful." He slides the straps of my bra down and kisses a path from the base of my throat, over my collarbone and past the curve of my shoulder. He tugs down one of the lace cups and trails a fingertip over my nipple.

God, I feel like I'm on fire. I need more from him. I need his hands on every inch of me, I need his mouth on me. I need him inside me. "Bed," I whisper. "Bed right now. Please."

"Too many clothes," he mutters, and I can't help but laugh. The laugh turns into a gasp when he lowers his head to latch onto a breast, while his nimble fingers move to the button on my jeans.

"Stay the night," I whisper.

He nods and holds me tighter. "Of course." He kisses my forehead and smiles. "Does this count as our first fight?"

"I think we had our first fight about eight years ago." He snorts and I grin. "I mean, you did sandbag me in court."

"Oh my God, let it go. It's been almost a decade."

I shrug and shift so that I'm laying on him. "So? I don't think I'll ever forget that." He laughs and I snuggle closer. "But yeah. I think this is our first fight as a couple. I have to admit I think we handled it pretty well."

"I shouldn't have stormed off that first night."

I prop myself up on an elbow and shake my head. "Maybe not. But we're both learning how to do this. Neither of us have ever really had the healthiest of relationships. It'll take some time." He nods and I bite my lip. "If I hadn't come to your house the next day what would have happened?"

"I would have called, Mac. It wouldn't have been the end for us just because I was angry." I nod and he smiles. "I needed to cool off. Hearing his voice just put me in this dark place, and I needed to get myself out of it."

"And you're out of it now?" He nods and I let out a breath. "Maybe you should talk to someone. A therapist. I can ask Dr. Peyton for a recommendation."

He winces and shift slightly. "I'm not ready for that," he says gently. "I'm glad therapy has worked for you. Really, really glad. But it's not for me. Not right now anyway."

"Okay." I'm not going to push him. "So, you're properly cooled off now?"

He grins and rolls us over, so that he's on top of me. "I was. But now I'm starting to warm up again."

He's already hard again. His erection is pressing against me, and I run my hands down his back. "Funny, so am I."

End Part 22