Title: Turn Back the Clocks

Summary: A post-Paraguay story. Mac is forced into counseling, and comes to terms with Paraguay, Harm, and her life in general.

Part Twenty-Seven – Mac

I open my front door and smile at John Farrow. I step back and let him enter my home. He reaches for my hand and tugs me into a warm hug.

"God, you're a sight for sore eyes."

I close my eyes as I step into his arms, and rest my head against his broad chest. I let myself enjoy the hug for just a moment, and then I gently pushed him away. "You look great, John." And he did. Better than ever. He looks better than most men half his age. He still has the same impressive physique and his gray hair is still thick and full. I was surprised when he called, but it wasn't an unpleasant surprise – not the way Webb's phone call had been. John had never shown me anything other than kindness, and he would always hold a special place in my heart.

He grinned broadly and took my hands in his and squeezed gently before letting go. "How are you? How are you really?" I open my mouth, but he shakes his head. "I was absolutely floored when I heard you had resigned."

I shrug lightly. "I'm actually good. Really good." He watches me without saying anything, and for a moment he reminds me of Dr. Peyton. "I really am, John."

His face softens and he nods. "Can you talk about what happened?"

"Not really," I say, "but I can tell you it involved Clayton Webb and one of his missions." John winces knowingly and I turn away from him and head into the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Water?" He shakes his head and I turn back to him and lean against the counter. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

He joins me in the kitchen and pulls out one of the barstools. "Do you remember Pete Hannigan?"

I frown and shake my head. I move to the stove and fill the tea kettle with water. I don't remember Pete, but I don't think it matters. I highly doubt someone I may or may not have worked with at least twelve years ago is the reason John is in my house. "What are you doing here, John? What are you really doing here?"

He opened his mouth, and I could tell he wanted to bring up Pete again - or anyone else we served with what feels like a lifetime ago. But he shuts his mouth instead and shrugs. His intense gaze doesn't waver, and it feels like a lifetime before he sighs and steps closer to me.

"I needed to make sure you're really okay."

"Does whoever she is," I say, and I gesture to the gold band on his left hand, "know that you're here?"

He glances at his hand and blushes before he takes a step closer. "She does." I don't say anything and he puts his hands on my arms. "I need to know that you're okay. Without the Corps. Without JAG."

"Is she okay with you being here?"

His brow furrows and I can tell he's growing frustrated with me. "Yes." I raise an eyebrow and he rolls his eyes. "She doesn't love the fact that I'm here, but she understands why I needed to see you. Now, for the third time - are you really okay?"

I almost say yes automatically. It's what I've done nearly my entire life, and it's a hard habit to break. But I don't. Instead, I actually consider my current situation before giving him an answer. Harm and I aren't speaking. I'm no longer a Marine. I have no family, and few friends. But I realize that I really am okay. If Harm and I are finished, I'll be heartbroken, but I'll get over it someday. I may not be a Marine anymore, but I'm still serving my community in a job I genuinely enjoy. I may not have an office full of colleagues to celebrate birthdays and milestones with, but I have a few true friends who have become precious to me. I'm okay. I'm happy. It's a startling realization, and something I honestly never thought I'd feel.

"Sarah?"

I study John for a long moment but I don't answer his question. It almost feels like he doesn't want me to be okay. I think he's likes me more when I'm a mess and in need of his help, and that's a frustrating feeling. He's always been there when I've needed him, but he's never been around when things have been good.

"I appreciate your concern, John. I really do. But you can't do this anymore."

"Do what," he asks with a frown.

I shrug and wrap my arms around my middle. "This. Come to my rescue like this."

"Sarah-"

I shake my head. "No. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me over the years. But every time you come to my rescue, and you end up worse off than I am. You've already lost your career because of me." I glance at the gold band again and meet his eyes. "I won't let you lose anything else."

"It's not your fault," he says softly.

"Logically I know that." And I do. I've discussed John and our complicated relationship often with Dr. Peyton, and I do know that I'm not responsible for the choices he's made, but I imagine I'll always feel guilt when it comes to him. "I know you're a grown man, and you've made your own decisions. But I'm not the same person you met all those years ago. I don't need a rescuer anymore."

"I'm not trying to rescue you," he argues, "I'm just trying to be a friend."

"Are you though?" I shake my head and move away from him. "I don't hear from you when things are good. You never told me you got married - I heard that through the Quantico grapevine. I don't even know your wife's name. You only come around when you think I'm vulnerable or in some kind of trouble." He doesn't say anything, but he has to know that I'm right. He obviously was there when I needed him when Chris re-entered my life. He stopped by to see me after I returned from Indonesia, and he's here now. "You know I'm right," I say softly.

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I suppose." He swallows and shoves his hands in his pockets. "I'm not trying to take advantage of your vulnerability."

I nod quickly. "Oh, I know that." And I do. But vulnerable and broken is the only way he's ever really known me. That's who I was when we met, and that's how I've been most of the times I've seen him over the years. "I just… I'm not that person anymore, John. I'm in a good place. And when I'm not, I finally have suitable people I can turn to."

"Suitable," he repeats and his face colors.

"Yeah." I think about Sophie and Dr. Peyton and Harm - of course there's Harm. None of those relationships are illicit or forbidden. I start to explain, but there's a knock at the door and I feel a rush of relief. "Excuse me."

I move past him and pull open the front door, and my eyes widen with surprise and pleasure and a little bit of fear. It's Harm.

It's only been a few days since I left his apartment, but it feels like it's been an eternity. He looks tired, and he's missing his usual swagger, but he's still the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and my heart starts to beat a little faster.

"Hey."

He smiles, it's a shadow of the smile that makes me weak in the knees, but it's something, and I smile back. "Hi."

I don't move to let him in, and he raises an eyebrow. "May I come in."

"Of course," I say, and I feel the ball of anxiety in my belly expanding, "but before you do, I need you to know that I have company. John Farrow is here." His jaw tightens, but he doesn't say anything as I take a step back into my house and open the door wide for him to follow me. John, who had been leaning over the counter, straightens to his full height when he sees Harm, and I'm not sure which man looks more uncomfortable.

I watch as he extends his hand to Harm and they tentatively shake. "Good to see you again, Commander."

He nods, and releases John's hand, and his own falls back to his side. "You too, Colonel."

I wince at their greeting, and the three of us stand in the most awkward triangle imaginable. I look up at Harm, and find he's staring at John, his jaw still clinched, and I turn my attention to John.

"It was nice of you to stop by," I say quietly, "but I really am doing okay."

He looks from me to Harm, and I can almost see the moment he realizes that I need to be alone with Harm. He nods, and picks up the coat he had folded over a chair. "Okay. Walk me to the door?"

I nod, and follow him to the entryway. I can feel Harm's eyes on us, and when John turns to me, I try to smile. "Just out of curiosity, what is your wife's name?"

He smiles and slips on his coat. "Her name is Rachel."

"And are you happy?"

"Yeah."

"Good." I smile, and I let him pull me close for a brief hug. "Take care of yourself, John."

"You too, Sarah."

I watch him jog down the front path and turn for his car, and then I take a deep breath before turning back to Harm and the fight I'm almost certain is inevitable.

Neither of us say anything when we're once again face to face. I force myself to meet his eyes, and not look away, since I don't want him to think for one moment that I've done something I'm ashamed of. We continue to stare at each other in an awkward, uncomfortable silence before I finally sigh and move into the living room. He follows me like I hoped he would, and sits on one loveseat while I sit on the other. We still don't say anything, and I absolutely hate this.

"There isn't anything between John and I," I blurt out. "He heard through mutual friends that I had resigned my commission and stopped by to see if I was okay."

He doesn't say anything and he leans back against the cushions. "I wasn't going to accuse you of anything."

His tone and demeanor don't match his words, and I shake my head. "But you were thinking it. You always think the worst of me when it comes to my past." My voice breaks at the end of the sentence and the chink in my armor makes me angry. At myself, at him, at John. At anything and everything that lead to this uncomfortable moment.

"I wasn't thinking it," he said again. He tilts his head back and rubs a hand over his face before turning his attention back to me. "Why is it like this for us?"

"Like what," I ask, even though I know the answer.

He shakes his head. "We fight dirty, Mac. We always have. Maybe once upon a time it made sense when we weren't really together. But we are now, so why is it still like this?"

I lick my lips and offer a half-hearted shrug. "If you don't want to do this anymore, just say so. Maybe too much has happened for us to work." I glance down at my hands and will myself not to cry. "Maybe we missed our chance."

He pales just a bit and briefly clenches his jaw. "Is that what you think?" I don't say anything and he lets out a breath. "Because it's not what I think. And it's not what I want."

"What do you think," I ask softly.

He swallows and shifts on the couch. "I think we're still learning how to be in a relationship."

"We've both been in plenty of relationships," I argue.

He smiles, but it's a sad smile, and he shakes his head. "Not like this. At least I haven't. I've never been with someone like you before. And I don't mean that as a dig at your parents, or your past."

"I wasn't going to say that," I mutter.

He rolls his eyes and continues. "I ran into Admiral Chegwidden today, and I actually told him some of what all has been going on, and he reminded me that you're not like my past girlfriends. Meaning that you're not going to sit back and accept it while I do whatever I want without any regard to anyone else. You're my partner, Mac. You're my equal, and you have been for as long as we've known one another. And I know this makes me sound like the biggest asshole on the planet, but I'm not really sure how to be in a relationship like that."

I stare at him, surprised at his admission and surprised that he spoke to Admiral Chegwidden about us. "You're not an asshole," I say quietly.

"Thanks."

"I've talked to Dr. Peyton about all of this a lot." I pause and wait for him to react to the mention of my therapist, but he doesn't. "We've talked about how most of my past relationships have been based on some sense of obligation or insecurity. With Dalton, I went along with whatever he wanted because I thought he was so much better than me." I wince at the memory of my ex, and how small I felt when I was with him. "I thought that I was lucky to be with him. I gave Mic the chance because I felt like you had rejected me. And then I accepted his proposal because I felt obligated after everything he had given up for me." I gesture at the door and frown. "I even felt obligated with John. Our affair didn't begin until after I already had orders, but when he made his feelings known I felt like I owed him for everything he had done for my career. And Webb…" I trail off as I think about Clayton Webb, and his hands all over me.

"You didn't owe any of them anything," he says softly.

"I know that now." His eyes are kind, and I draw courage from him. "But Harm, you're different. And I don't know if it's because you have been my equal all of these years, or if it's the therapy, but I don't feel any of that insecurity or obligation when it comes to you. I'm with you because I love you, and because I want to be."

He nods. "I love you too." I let out a breath and he leans forward. "So, what do we do now?"

I stand and move to join him on the other couch. He reaches for me, and tugs me against his side. It feels so good to be next to him – to feel his warmth and have his hands on any part of me. I relax against him and look up into those mesmerizing eyes. "We keep doing what we're doing." Harm raises and eyebrow and I smile. "Like you said, were still learning how to be a couple. And we're both stubborn people, so there are bound to be a few bumps along the way." He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes. "I don't think we've missed our chance."

"I'm sorry for pressuring you about our five-year deal," he says after a few moments of silence.

I gently push away from him. I want – no, I need – to see his face right now. "Harm, I want a baby with you. I want a baby and a house and a dog and a whole life together. I don't want you to doubt that for a moment." He nods and I sigh. "I'm just not ready yet."

"I know." His hand moves down my arm, and I shiver lightly. "I'm sorry for pushing on that. Of course, it's a little crazy to go through with it after everything we've been through over the past few years. It's just… Mac, I've never really been able to commit to a woman." He shrugs lightly and his face colors. "I've never really wanted to. But I do want to commit to you. I don't ever want to lose you. I guess some part of my brain thought that going through with our deal was the perfect way to keep that from happening."

"I don't need to have your child to be 100% committed to you," I say. I shift on the couch and climb into his lap. My legs straddle his and I put my hands on his cheeks, making sure his attention stays on me. Dr. Peyton was right; I'm not the only one suffering from abandonment issues. "I'm yours, Harm. And I don't see that ever changing."

He puts his hands on my hips and gives me a gentle squeeze. "Tell me if that ever does. Promise me that."

"I promise," I say easily. "Make me the same promise, okay. If there comes a time where this isn't what you want, I want you to tell me."

"I will," he says, his voice low and tender. "But I can't imagine there will ever be a time where I'm not in love with you."

His hands move from my hips and up my sides, and I lower my face to his. My lips tentatively brush his, and I moan when he crushes me against him. "I love you," I pull back and whisper. "I love you."

"I love you too," he says and moves his lips over my jaw. "I love you so goddamned much."

End Part 27