This World Is A Farce
U-1146 could argue that, given the low number of invaders on the body without considering those that entered through the mouth or ear, his job had transformed into being a glorified guard.
Although, of course, the lack of true enemies made him able to excuse his irregular patrols and thus be the glorified guard of his wife for which he was not going to complain.
Especially since, with her having another child on the way, it was necessary for him to be there both to protect her and the mere fact that she would need emotional support pretty much every single moment of the day.
He still remembered very well that day when she exploded in rage against a waiter for not having strawberry cake at the moment.
"You do know that you don't need to push the O2 for me... right?" AE-3803 crossed her arms as her eyes showed some wrath.
"Don't you remember that I used to do it the last time you were pregnant?" U-1146 understood that women could become irrational during this stage... though given how recent the pregnancy was, he wasn't sure if her current irritation was caused because of that or if his wife truly didn't want him to do her job.
Women…
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't treat me as if I'm made of paper..." AE-3803 turned away.
Red flag...
"Hey, love, are you okay?" U-1146 attempted to place a hand on her shoulder
"Yes, everything is perfectly fine."
Only for him to back off.
Crimson flag!
He had to fix this before everything went into a spiral of chaos.
"Look, why don't you take the package and I'll bring you an ice cream."
In his experience, glucose from ice cream could solve any kind of situation like this one.
It was all that was necessary for AE-3803 to turn around, her hands came together in a position that looked like she was going to pray.
She also displayed a smile again. "Strawberry flavor?"
"Strawberry indeed, although the best strawberry will always be you, my precious red cell." U-1146 then used his lips to give her a soft, loving kiss on the cheek.
An even bigger smile showed that the mission had been completed and the catastrophe totally averted.
Once the erythrocyte had her favorite ice cream, she sighed and, at the same time that she pushed the O2 again. "Sorry... I know you worry about me... it's just..."
"It's fine, don't worry. I love you."
She smiled as she stroked her belly.
Soon her family would have a new member.
And she didn't have to worry about her next baby being taken away from her for testing.
After all, what could be different in her second child that might cause doubts about whether they could be considered as a cancer cell?
Even the claim that her first precious child was a danger was an insult which she had not yet fully forgiven...
U-1146 noticed again that something seemed to bother his wife, to which he very discreetly kissed her cheek once more.
AE-3803 giggled at this and returned the loving gesture.
She then calmed down.
There was nothing to worry about.
Nothing could go wrong now.
"So where are you planning to go?" the "normal" cell RC-1000 asked with a tone of clear curiosity.
"I have no idea, my last delivery was recently and I don't think I want to train again for today so... I think I'll go around and around and... and ..." UA-3846 scratched his head with his left hand while his right one was going in in circles with the help of the wrist. "Maybe it's a good time for me to start looking for my own apartment. I'm old enough now to move out of my parents' house… " he then gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes as he shook his head. "They surely want privacy..."
If there is something that he had to be thankful for, it was that the walls of all the buildings were very solid.
"Oh, you are looking for a new home." RC-1000's eyes were filled with excitement at this.
"That is interesting."
"Do you know any place?" UA-3846 sighed as he looked at various buildings as they walked.
"I'm afraid there aren't many vacancies where I live... not to mention the neighbors aren't exactly the best." RC-1000 smiled. "The idea of traveling through the body and looking for another place sounds good... but the location is just so good that I have to endure their presence."
"A lot of food nearby or something?" UA-3846 guessed that would be the only reason anyone would want to constantly deal with nasty neighbors... although he wasn't sure if it was his biological needs that spoke or his mind.
"There could be more, but it is a good place to eat." RC-1000 giggled.
"I see." UA-3846 nodded as he imagined some apartment that had multiple restaurants nearby.
He could only make the owners rich in a matter of months.
Then again, he realized the insane amount of money he spent on food would probably make it hard to pay rent...
"By the way, I'm curious about a detail." RC-1000 started walking faster, probably intending to be in front as he turned his head to see UA-3846. "I know you are a hybrid, you made that clear... I just wonder... how did you come to be in the first place?"
UA-3846, having had to answer this question thousands of times in the past just shrugged. "It happened when a red cell and a white cell fell in love."
"Oh?" RC-1000 raised an eyebrow, his slightly derisive smile changed to sheer surprise.
UA-3846 yawned. Even though his killer instincts seemed to kick in… he didn't understand why. "When the neutrophil U-1146 and the erythrocyte AE-3803 began to interact on a regular basis, especially with him saving her from invaders, one thing led to another."
RC-1000 was too astounded this time.
So that explained why this hybrid looked too similar to U-1146...
UA-3846 was his son...
"Interesting... very very interesting..." RC-1000 gave himself a mental slap for not suspecting it earlier.
"After that, they did what couples usually do, then here I am." UA-3846 frowned. "And I am not going to explain more details. I am simply a combination of both of them.
"I understand, I was just very curious about it." RC-1000 applauded. "I think it is something wonderful... you are also special."
"Special?" UA-3846 raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"I guess you don't pay much attention, but please look at my eyes, closely." RC-1000 had a… strange smile.
UA-3846 narrowed his eyes... only to widen them later. "Your eyes... are ... are green..."
Were they always green or he just didn't pay enough attention to this detail?...
"I am too the result of an interesting genetic change." RC-1000 shrugged. "I see ..." UA-3846 blinked multiple times.
"So tell me, what does it feel like to be an even bigger rarity? These eyes are not a problem for me… but I can imagine that being part of two totally different "kinds of worlds" must be chaos. " RC-1000 rubbed his chin.
UA-3846 growled, crossing his arms, his eyes filled with fury. "Well, the red cells are a bunch of ungrateful jerks. When I went to school as a child they used to be a pain in the back or just stay away from me. White blood cells on the other hand are kinder, somewhat ironic considering our assassin career, but even they usually didn't try to talk to me. " He then hit a wall with his fist.
Incredibly, it didn't seem to hurt at all.
"At this point, I wonder if I could go into just killing without really having to bother checking to see if these red jerks survive or not."
RC-1000's facial expression changed a little.
So there were signs of rebellion against the body...
RC-1000 smiled sinisterly. "I see... tell me... don't you feel that life is... empty?"
"Empty how?" UA-3846 started walking again.
"My life consists of making little less than more clones of myself for the rest of my life… and nothing more, just to keep this body alive… and those who control it…" RC-1000 sighed in frustration. "What's the point of living such a life?"
"As far as I know, none." UA-3846 sighed, boredom affected him slightly. "Even keeping this body alive doesn't serve a specific purpose." RC-1000 nodded. "It's all just a big fraud... I am pleased to see that there is someone else who shares my opinion."
"You're welcome, I guess." UA-3846 shrugged. "You want help with assisted suicide or something? is that why you're telling me all this?" UA-3846 asked while looking at his knife.
RC-1000 laughed at this. "Not now, but maybe one day I would like to have your support in this activity."
"As you wish." UA-3846 nodded. "Anyway, I should go."
"Maybe we could meet again close to the heart. You will always be there, right? "
"That's how it is given my job, yeah."
"See you soon." RC-1000 extended his hand.
After a handshake, they both went in different directions.
UA-3846 had never met a cell with suicidal wishes before... the infinite reality was something fascinating.
Who knows what his parallel versions of other universes on multiple timelines would be like if they existed?
Thinking about the unknown made a part of himself made him wonder what it would be like to be able to investigate the world outside of the body.
However, as LM-4321 had explained to him, attempting to get out into the outside world was a complete suicide mission.
She had compared it to as if the body were in outer space without any protection... with the difference that bacteria, viruses, and all kinds of nuisances are traveling around.
And then he realized how quickly he had changed the subject of his thoughts, from thinking about suicide to ending up on an outer space topic.
Interacting with neuronal cells had certainly made him "to be at the moon"... or something like that.
UA-3846 just shook his head and started walking further.
Maybe he could go visit the brain for a bit.
He was an adult now, it didn't matter much if he came home until the next day.
Until he noticed something...
...
...
...
This street and neighborhood were not familiar at all.
"Where the hell am I?"
His growls of exasperation unnerved many other nearby cells.
Cancer was certainly content with what he had discovered… this other rare cell… he the successor to his old friend U-1146! no less!
It seems that these hypocritical bastards speak of destroying "non-perfect" cells just because they are different... only to create imperfect and different cells later.
Just one more proof that he was correct.
However, the biggest surprise was not that.
He had tried to separate the hybrid from civilization in order to find the right moment to kill him… however, the opinions of this hybrid had caused Cancer to change his mind.
U-1146 had turned down the chance to put an end to this miserable charade together...
But maybe…
This new friend of his would be willing to cooperate.
It would be one of the greatest ironies in all of existence. It would be even more incredible than his idea of killing Killer-T with NK's sword.
The hybrid already hated red blood cells... it would only be necessary to intensify those emotions...
But how would he be able to achieve such a thing?
He had to save this question for later when, as he walked through the alleys to return to his current base, a cell landed in front of him.
"At last, that stupid asshole was interfering with my signal... and I was even confused when I detected two cancer cells together only to see that asshole once again accompanying someone perfectly 'normal'"
she then got up and her hands transformed into fists . "Until I remembered what my teacher said... you wretches like to use camouflage..."
...
...
... Cancer laughed, shaking his head.
The female cell prepared her fighting pose. "What are you lau-"
She was unable to finish her sentence since Cancer approached at high speed and hit her directly on the face.
Although shocked from the initial shock, this NK cell quickly flipped back and counterattacked with a kick once she fell… only for Cancer to catch her leg. "If 3 of the best white blood cells of each type could hardly stop me..." Cancer then slammed her against the wall several times.
Once she was trying to get up Cancer just kicked her in the stomach. "What makes you think you can challenge me?" Cancer mocked her.
"I must congratulate you for getting several attacks from this powerful new vessel and not dying yet, such an incredible feat indeed."
As his disguise began to fade and denote the deformations of her new body, the girly tomboy cell then immediately understood that staying any longer was a silly idea.
She had to get combat backups. Warn the body about the existence of this dangerous mutant.
Cancer then used his Lovecraftian powers to extend his arms and attack using both of his fists.
The NK cell jumped on those extendable arms and took advantage of the narrowness of the place to start doing wall jumps at high speed.
"Where do you think you are going?" Cancer then tried to catch her with his mutant arms, to which NK managed to escape her by giving a diagonal kick instead of a front one.
Once she was on top of the building, she started running and jumping from building to building.
Cancer again used his powers to climb and start chasing her.
If she managed to escape then he would be in a lot of trouble!
LM-4321 rested sitting while watching one of her friends do her job.
Right now LM-4321 had some free time from classifying memory, so she had decided to spend time with a neuron from the decision control department.
Although she was only in charge of storing things, these cells were the ones that directly ordered whether the body should move a finger or if it should rest.
Although, at the moment, her work could not be classified as at all as such given what they were doing.
LM-4684654 rubbed her chin as she, like her partners, tried to analyze what to do, her computer screen showing what could be described as an option selection interface.
"So," the brain leader cell spoke via "radio" to its companions. "We activate terrestrial adaptation 3 and go to the symptoms menu." The interface then changed to a selection of options that appeared represented by orange hexagons with white drawings.
"Should we start with this section?" the leader commented as he read the description
"Colour blindness: The Martian Flu begins adapting the human body for Mars' higher light levels by developing light-filtering membranes, leading to color blindness, it slows the cure."
"I think it's better to start with dizziness. Look, spend a few DNA points on that and you'll understand. " LM-4321 suggested the idea to her friend, to which LM-4684654 communicated the suggestion. The others decided to listen, selecting that option.
LM-4321 smiled. "Now you can select this: Congelation: Blood becomes significantly thicker, leading to complications with internal organs throughout the entire body and impeding movement. Lethal and slows the cure."
LM-4684654 nodded, agreeing. "Much better option indeed." they selected Congelation, after that the last option of that type appeared: Rigor Mortis: Thickened blood now counteracts the effects of lower pressure on Mars. On Earth, however, death quickly arises due to failure of the circulatory system. Very lethal.
Naturally, the neuron leader ordered that option to be activated as well, in addition to other options to stop the cure.
LM-4321 turned her head to the right when she noticed somebody setting a chair next to her. "What are you guys doing?" UA-3846 scratched his head as he tried to read and see the interface on the larger screen.
LM-4321 smiled "Ah! hello!" she stroked his hair. "They are playing a game about destroying humanity using disease."
UA-3846 was silent for about two seconds before laughing. "That is terrifying."
LM-4684654 turned off her radio a moment and she spoke. "They created a mode that it's the opposite, saving humanity from a disease by being the one who commands quarantines and creates a cure but unfortunately we're not that good at that right now so we are just playing a custom scenario."
LM-4321 nodded and giggled. "Indeed, right now they are in a scenario that is all about a bacteria coming from Mars." She commented as she looked at the newly selected symptom.
Shortness of breath: As the human body becomes increasingly suited to breathe Martian air but not Earth's one, patients suffer extreme coughing and are incapable to get enough oxygen. Lethal.
The following thing the giant "TV" started displaying was a map of the whole world showing numbers and certain "news"
"Shit, any extraterrestrial life sample is supposed to be placed in a level 4 biosafety lab, right?" UA-3846 scratched his hair, his smile showing both fear and curiosity.
"Exactly. Of course, the scenario also takes into account that an extraterrestrial bacterium must first adapt to life forms with which it does not share any DNA in order to perhaps start killing." LM-4321 closed her eyes with a smile.
UA-3846 narrowed his eyes when he noticed something. "Did you name the Martian flu Molotov? are you serious?" He started to laugh.
Both LM-4684654 and LM-4321 laughed and gave the hybrid a thumbs up. LM-4321 then answered his question "Hey, the scenario is about turning people into Martians, it just fits like a ring to a finger."
"I guess so." UA-3846 shook his head at the same time he gave himself a facepalm.
"Anyway, what have you done?" LM-4321 asked, giving the hybrid a hug. "You haven't visited me in a long time, I was beginning to feel lonely..." She faked a sad face.
UA-3846 hugged her back "Training with my grandmother, making deliveries, training a somewhat cowardly Killer-T cell. I did want to visit you but it just wasn't possible."
"Well, not you're here so let's make up for all that time, shall we?"
"Sounds like a good idea."
Being on vacations should, in theory, help me to write chapters faster. It does help that I've been had some awesome ideas that I've written down.
I thought it would be a good idea to have UA spend some time with his neuron friend as an excuse for why he won't be in the next chapters. Mostly because I want to explore more the other characters and having the protagonist around kinda complicated how to do it for me. It's a thing that I also did with my other fanfic about FE.
Yes, the game they are playing is Plague Inc XD. The scenario is called Martian Flu by Exeter. Regarding the Molotov reference, it's something you probably won't understand if you don't speak Spanish but you can try googling : I Turned Into A Martian, Molotov.
Talking about Plague Inc, somebody should seriously write a fanfic about our beloved cells fighting the Neurax Worm or the Necroa Virus.
I know in this chapter the new NK cell does not look that great, but as Cancer said: his new vessel is stronger, and yet she survived that much while being alone, again you don't need to worry since she will appear in the next one... and with our favorite Killer-T cell (now promoted to Memory cell by the way)
So far I think I will need 15 more chapters to reach the end of the story (since it's going slower than what I usually expected) so you have story for a long while!
Anyway, I wish you all a nice Christmas, and let's hope the next year is better and somebody stops playing Plague Inc in the PC of Area 51!