Trust
Chapter 1: In Which the Author's Note is So Long It Needs Its Own Chapter
A/N: This is a story about trust. Yes, it's a new story when I still have things unfinished, but you do what the muse tells you to-after these chapters, however, it is back to my Perfect Soundtrack and Miracles, followed by Crash, the continuation of We the People, and probably more Soundtracks as I work on this one as well.
I've always thought that what Mac needed most (after Harm of course) was a mom. Someone to mother her, hold her, comfort her, and be there for her. Someone she could TRUST. By the time we meet Mac in "We the People," she'd already been through a lot at the hands of her parents. There was the emotional abuse from her alcoholic father—and I have a hard time believing he wouldn't have started hitting Mac too after he lost his previous punching bag-and then the utter abandonment from her mother, which I think is worse. I mean, hey, Deanne, I get that you would want to leave your abusive marriage but to leave your daughter to him? Then there was Chris—sure she was better off without him, but really, did he have to get himself thrown in prison? And then there was Uncle Matt…yes, yes, he probably saved her life and was no doubt a positive influence in her life, but let's discuss his character in "We the People." There's a point in the episode when Uncle Matt is talking to Harm and says, "I'd give up my life for Sarah, but not my beliefs." Well, sure, I don't expect him to turn his back on his beliefs, but dude…how did you expect stealing the Declaration of Independence would end? You traded your country and abandoned your niece because you got some bee in your bonnet. You basically chose prison over the closest thing you had as a daughter, and you were the only family she had.
And then there's our beloved Harm. Yes, she could count on him…to a point…but then he abandoned her to fly. She came to him for help with her husband, but he was schmoozing Bobbie Latham. She came to him to talk about her endometriosis, her insomnia, her troubles, but he was too busy with Alicia Montez. She came to him after Mic left per his request, and then he dumps her for the now fatherless, shellacked Rene. Harm had every right to go back to flying, to date Bobbie and Alicia, and I understand why he wouldn't leave his dates for another woman; I wouldn't expect him to, and Mac didn't exactly tell him how bad things were, and lord, what a mess with Rene. It'd be pretty cold to leave your girlfriend when her father just died, no doubt about that. And then there was Paraguay…he goes down there, saves her life, acts like an ass, then basically hands her off to Webb. Mac was no peach there either, but I think she deserved more empathy than she got. Harm then decided that if he didn't get what he wanted, she didn't deserve his friendship. He throws away his career for her and nearly his life, but before she can even breathe again, he essentially dumps her in a ditch like a burlap sack full of unwanted kittens. That's cold, man. (Season 9 could have been so full of the angst I crave, and it could have been such a beautiful story of how the two of them could have come together and forgiven each other, but oh lord, the writers—I honestly feel that DPB has no right to these characters anymore. Yes, he created them, but he didn't love them as they deserved to be loved. Not like us fan fiction writers!)
By the time she'd met Harm, she'd already been hurt by so many others that her perceptions of his actions were going to be skewed, and that wasn't his fault. Going to Brumby after Sydney—what the hell?! Taking a ring like that? Holy balls, Mac! These are not the actions of an entirely emotionally healthy individual. I mean, here's a woman who doesn't want to be alone, but pushes the good ones away so they won't ever leave her alone…but then goes after the bad guys so it won't be her fault if she's alone…oh, Mac…
Now, let's talk about our golden boy for a moment…I've said it before and featured it in a couple of other stories—but the times when he threw her alcoholism in her face in front of everyone—those were cruel and fall under the category of "things you should never say to someone no matter how mad you are." (As is telling a woman you don't like that her son committed suicide because of her (the mother)—I've seen that on Facebook posted by a doctor friend, so Bobbie S—if you're a fan and see this—that is behavior that is beneath anyone and is especially beneath a physician. What happened to you?!) Sorry, I'm meandering and rambling here. My author's note is practically its own story now! But…back to Harm—oh, it pissed me off when he said those things to her and got off with a half-assed apology. Mac, unfortunately, lacked the sense of self-worth to tell him to f**k off then. We of course can't forget the times he told her the whole "dead or wished they were" thing regarding her previous men, nor the times he implied she used her feminine wiles to get to the top—hey, maybe she did sometimes. Hell, in med school, I didn't care that one of my surgical attendings thought I was cute and that it was also cute that I was going into family practice rather than some of the more ballsy specialties. So what if he figuratively patted me on the head and sent me home with a lollipop? I had more fish to fry and didn't need the abuse. I could be a feminist elsewhere! But Harm…you know what Mac's father did to her, how he told her she was a tramp…and you basically told her the same thing. Shame!
And now, egad, her relationship with Webb…can you think of anything that would be more fucked up? He was always himself—living in the land of questionable morals that is the CIA—and now throw in the horrific torture he endured in Paraguay in part to protect Mac—a recipe for disaster. As some of you wonderful authors have written, Mac would likely feel beholden to him. She had been damaged too. The one she truly loved had given everything up for her, then changed his mind. Harm had been cruelly immature more than once even before Paraguay. She had untreated PTSD and it wasn't until she was on her way to getting charged with disrespecting a senior officer that anyone noticed. Webb could easily have pulled her into his dark…web…she was vulnerable, he was messed up, he was drinking and there was no way she should have been around that with her history. He was an utter disaster, but of course that was Mac's fault, so why shouldn't she try to make it up to him?
In this story, I've left out Mattie (you're welcome, Joan) and she won't have endometriosis (you're welcome, me—although her potential infertility does provide some juicy angst from time to time! Ah angst…my dark master!). Like I said before, this story is about trust. It's about Mac losing the last of her ability to trust anyone. It's about the true darkness of her relationship with Webb—all the things 'behind the scenes' that would have made us understand why most of us felt so uncomfortable with it in the first place. It was so wrong—and by the end of it, a part of her had to be nearly broken beyond repair. Enter Harm, then. He's matured. He's ready to be Mac's friend again, even if she doesn't want to be his lover. He vows to help her through the tragedy that begins this story, and this time he won't turn away. But Mac's trust in anything has been shattered and it's going to take more than an 'I'm sorry' to fix it.
Of note, this story may be a little dark at times—I don't know all the details yet, but my hope is for everyone to feel how dark and oppressive her relationship with Clayton Webb was. Harm's POV will be the present time, and Mac's POV will mostly be flashbacks into her time with Webb.
And then the angst shall be resolved, and the breaths we've all been holding shall be released as the sun shines down on our healed, happy couple. When I figure out how to do that…
End Chapter One