A/N: Well, I guess I was in a writing mood this weekend…

Trust

Chapter 7: Unwelcome Intrusions

"Why didn't you ever answer me?"

Harm instantly knew what she was referring to—the seventeen messages she'd left him while he was still in the CIA. He'd actually picked up once, but then he'd heard Webb speaking in the background and he'd slammed the phone down in her ear.

"Mac, I—" Mac's face hardened and she shook her head.

"Never mind…it's not important anymore," she said softly while looking down at the wringing hands in her lap.

Harm cautiously stepped to the bed and sat down in the chair beside it. "Mac, I'm sorry. About all of that." He gazed meaningfully at her and watched as her eyes slid to his and back. Finally, she nodded silently, though Harm doubted she actually believed him. He decided, however, to let it go for now. He would just add it to the growing list of things he had to atone for to make things right for her again.

"Did you…did you get some rest?"

Harm, deep in thought, didn't quite hear her question. "What was that, honey?" he asked absently, and when she didn't respond, Harm realized what he'd done…yet again. He looked up to find her staring at him, her dark eyes full with tears.

"Mac…I'm sorry." It seemed that's all he ever said to her anymore, and yet he feared he'd never say it enough to convince her he was sincere.

Mac only shrugged and the two sat in awkward silence for the next few minutes.

"Has the doctor been by yet?" Harm finally asked. Mac shook her head and more silence reigned while Harm took the opportunity to study the beautiful woman before him.

Mac was still terribly pale despite the blood transfusions, making the dark circles under her eyes even more prominent. Her eyes were also red-rimmed, and he could tell she'd spent a good portion of the night crying.

Though he was sure he knew the answer, he asked her how her night had been. She shrugged again as she kept her eyes on her lap. "It was okay."

Right, Mac. "I'm glad, Mac," he said aloud. "I was able to get some rest too." She nodded again and Harm proceeded to do his best to engage her in further conversation.

"Have you been up yet today?"

"Twice."

"How'd it go?"

"Fine."

"Maaac…"

She finally met his eyes. "No, Harm, really…it was a lot better than before. I'm not so dizzy now."

"Have you been eating?" He saw her eyes shutter a bit and he knew eating hadn't gone quite as well as the walking.

"A little," she mumbled. "But I haven't thrown any of it up."

Harm gave her an encouraging smile. "Well, that's something. Any fevers?"

"No."

"Um…bl-bleeding?" He brushed furiously, wondering why he felt the need ask about that detail. He was surprised when she actually answered.

"It's fine…it hasn't been an issue since they…they…" She motioned vaguely toward her lower belly.

"Oh, good. Well, Mac, I think they may just spring you loose today!" Harm tried his best to be cheerful; after all, he was sure going home would make her happy.

Well, maybe not happy, since as far as she knows, her apartment is still a horror scene.

"Yeah, probably," was her brief response. He watched her bite at her lower lip for a moment as a look of consternation altered the fairly blank expression she had been wearing since he'd been here. "Harm?"

"Yeah, Mac?"

"It's Tuesday."

"Yeah, so?"

"Why aren't you at work?"

"Because I'm here," he answered, trying to deflect.

"Harm…"

Harm sighed. "I took a few days off."

Her face took on an even deeper look IG confusion. "But I didn't sign off on anything…" As chief of staff, it fell to Mac to approve the majority of leaves.

"The admiral took care of it."

It took a few seconds for understanding to dawn on her. "You…you…because of me?" She looked irritated and incredulous all at once.

"Yes, Mac. Because of you. Neither I nor the admiral wanted you to be alone."

"What did you tell him?!" Now she did look angry. Furious even, though she kept her voice down.

"Mac, Mac…I didn't tell him anything you hadn't already told him, except that you called me that night and that I didn't want you to be alone. He was very understanding."

"I don't need anything now, Harm. You should go back to work. I'll be fine." She was cajoling him now, anger swallowed for the moment, in an obvious effort to convince him to go.

He tried another smile on her, one closer to his "flyboy" grin. "No can do, Mac. I've got the week, and I intend to take it all whether you need me or not."

"I don't need you, Harm."

Harm couldn't deny her words hurt, but he wasn't going to let her push him away.

"Yeah, I know. You're a kick ass jarhead…but you don't have to go through this alone, Sarah." He spoke softly, even lovingly, forgetting he wasn't supposed to touch her when he took her hand in his. She immediately snatched it back.

"Don't."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just…just…don't."

"Okay, Mac."

He was about to say more when he heard some knock on her door. He turned, happy to see it was her doctor.

"How's our patient today?" the older man asked.

"Fine. Better, at least."

"I've heard you've been up a few times."

"Yeah."

"Looks like you've been doing well in your room, but the halls were more difficult. Is that accurate?"

Mac's eyes took on a defiant sheen, but she answered in the affirmative anyway.

"What about eating?" the doctor continued.

"It's okay if I take the meds."

"Bleeding?"

"Fine."

Harm started to squirm a bit at the more intimate questions, despite have asked her the same thing moments before.

"Are you going to the bathroom, okay?"

At that, Harm did stand and back his way toward the door. "I'll come back in a few, Mac." He nodded at the doctor and took his leave, shutting the door behind him, before he headed to the seating area down the hall.

Harm tentatively knocked on Mac's door a few minutes later. He heard her doctor tell him to come in, so he pushed the door open and took his seat by Mac's bed again. He tried, but he couldn't decipher the expression on her face.

"Well, I think we can send Mac home today."

"That's great!" he enthused.

"But…" There was always a 'but.'

"But?"

"I think Mac should have someone with her for a couple of days. She's still a little unsteady—"

"I don't need—"

"Not a problem, I'll—"

Harm and Mac spoke at once.

"Mac…" the doctor started.

"Hey, doc, can I have a moment with Mac here?" Harm hoped Mac's doctor understood the look he was giving him.

"Of course." Ah, success. "I'll go see another patient while you two talk."

"Mac…" Harm started. Mac didn't let him go any further.

"Harm, I don't need anyone there. I promise, I'll be careful."

"But what if you start bleeding?" He didn't want to have her deal with that ever again.

"Harm, the procedure I had took care of the worst of it, just like it was supposed to. It really won't be an issue."

You are so damn stubborn, marine, he thought to himself as he tried another tactic. "The doctor may not let you go if no one's there to stay with you. I'm happy to do it."

"Well, what if I'm not happy about that?" she countered defiantly.

"That's fine, Mac. If you want to have someone else there, I'm okay with that."

Mac mumbled something he didn't catch. "What did you say, Mac?"

"I said, there's nobody else."

"Well, then it's a good thing I took the time off." He offered her a smile, which did nothing to soften the anger in her eyes.

"This isn't your problem, Harm. I-I'm sorry I even called you. I've disrupted your life, and I had no right to do that." She was tearing up again.

"Mac…you had every right. We're still friends, right?" Even though I've been pretty shitty at it of late. He could tell by her expression she disagreed, but she nodded anyway. He didn't want to delve too deep into their current relationship or lack thereof, but he did want to address it, and now seemed to be as good a time as any.

"Look, Mac. I know things haven't been that great for us, and most of that, well probably all of it, is my fault. Let's look at this as a chance for me to make it up to you. I still consider you my best friend, and I'm so sorry for not acting like it, and I really want to help you through this."

Mac had that incredulous look back on her face, but she wore it only briefly. Her features changed to studied indifference, and then she looked away, mumbling something else he didn't catch. "I'm sorry, Mac. I missed that."

She sighed heavily. "I said it wasn't all your fault."

"I don't know if I agree with you, but thanks. And I really do want to make things right between us." He was practically pleading now. She had to let him in.

"Okay, Harm, but you staying with me isn't really necessary to make things right. Maybe…maybe when I'm better we can go for a run, or something."

He nodded. "I'd like that, but I still want to stay with you. I'd worry about you so much I wouldn't be able to do anything else. Please, let me take care of you." Unfortunately, his last words seem to awaken the ire in her.

"Goddammit, Harm. I don't want you or anyone else to stay with me. I want to be alone. I want to rest alone, eat alone, hell, I'll crawl to the bathroom if I have to. I'll keep a cooler next to me and a loaf of bread if I have to. I just. Want. To be. Alone!"

Harm found himself growing angry as well. She was too damn stubborn for her own good. "Look, Mac. I'm not going to let you crawl to the bathroom or eat crappy sandwiches or sit there all miserable because you can't stand for long in the shower and before you say anything, the way you were stumbling around yesterday tells me you couldn't crawl out of a wet paper sack much less lift yourself out of the bath!"

Now Mac looked enraged. "For fuck's sake, Harm! I didn't get shot or catch some horrible disease! I can damn well bathe myself and if you think I'd let you help with that, you're fucking crazy!"

For a moment, Harm just sat there with his mouth hanging open. Mac rarely used profanity and he couldn't remember her ever dropping the F-bomb in front of him. The retort 'you kiss your mother with that mouth' went through his head, though obviously he couldn't say that. But he could say something else…

"Well, Mac. I could call the admiral and have him make it an order…or better yet, I could ask him to let you stay with him."

The look she gave him could have melted him alive. "You wouldn't."

"I would," he countered. The two stared each other down for long moments, until finally she threw up her hands.

"Fine, you win. If that's what it takes to get out of here, I'll do it, but just stay out of my way. Make me forget you're even there, okay?"

"Fair enough, marine." Victory at last! He knew, of course, that she wasn't going to make anything easy for him, but at least he could still show her he was there for her and was still her friend.

A few minutes later, the doctor stepped back into the room.

"Did we decide anything?" he asked, a tentative smile on his face. Harm tried to answer first, but Mac beat him to it.

"I'll go home…with Harm."

"Great!" the doctor exclaimed, looking much too cheerful. Harm got the impression that he was fairly worried about Mac as well, for more than just the physical reasons. "I'll get your discharge orders in and then your nurse should be in shortly to go over everything."

"Thank you, doctor." Harm answered this time.

"Yes, thank you, doctor." Mac sounded anything but thankful, and by the way she was glaring at him, not even looking at the doctor, Harm knew her ire was directed solely at him.

Well, this is going well, Harm thought to himself. Good luck, Hammer.

An hour and a half later, Harm had Mac loaded into his Lexus. He could tell she was worn out by the trip from her room, despite being brought outside in a wheelchair. Harm knew it was more than the physical wearing her down, and he prayed she'd eventually open up to him. A glance at her, however, told him that would be a long time coming.

"Ready, Mac?" He asked before he pulled away from the curb. She gave a motion with her hands but didn't say anything then. Harm sighed and turned his vehicle toward her apartment, but a block later, he felt her hand on his arm.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Pull over."

"Why?"

"Just do it, okay?"

As soon as he found an appropriate spot, he complied. Once he was full stopped, he turned to her. "Okay, Mac. What's up?"

"Don't take me home. Take me…take me to the Hyatt on M street. I'm sure we can get rooms next to each other. I'll pay for both of them."

"Why, Mac?" He knew why, but he wondered what excuse she would give. He was surprised when she gave him at least a partially honest answer.

"Look, Harm. My place…after it…started…well, it's still a mess and I just don't have the energy to clean it up now." She kept her voice neutral, but he knew it was an effort for her.

"Mac. You don't need to stay in a hotel."

"I'm not going to stay at your place. Your couch is…well, it isn't especially comfortable, and I won't kick you out of your bed." It went without saying that she had no intention of sharing his bed with him.

"Mac, you don't need to worry about that either."

Mac was silent for a moment, but then she turned toward him, her eyes narrowed and wary. "Why not, Harm?" There was a dangerous undercurrent to her words.

"Mac, I…your apartment. I took care of…everything. It's fine to go back there."

"You did what?!" She was obviously livid, and the air seemed to crackle around her.

"I cleaned everything up."

"How…the bottles? Harm, how could you do that? I told you not to go there. I told you!"

Harm suspected she would have started hitting him if she weren't buckled in and there wasn't a console between them. "Mac, I was worried. You were so adamant, and it made me afraid for you. I had to go there."

"No, you didn't, Harm! How could you? How could you? No one was meant to see that. No one! How could you violate my privacy that way? You know what? If you think I'm going to let you stay there with me now, you're crazy. If you think I'm going to let you drive me another block, you're fucking crazy. Let me out. I'll get a cab. Let me out!" She started fumbling for the seatbelt, her fingers not cooperating, and after a few moments of trying, she burst into tears. He couldn't understand all of what she said, but he did hear her saying one thing repeatedly.

"I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want anyone to know!" Her broken sobs shattered his heart, and it killed him to know she wouldn't let him comfort her.

"Mac, Mac…it's okay. It's okay. No one else saw. It's all gone. No one else knows." He tried to soothe her with his words, and he wished he could take her in his arms. "Come on, Mac. Let's go home. It'll be okay. I cleaned everything up. It's all gone, honey. It's all gone." Apparently, he couldn't entirely keep himself from saying those endearments and he knew she'd be angry about it, but he was still shocked when her sobs abruptly stopped. He knew it upset her when he called her honey and sweetheart, but could it upset her enough to actually stop her painful weeping? "Mac?"

"What do you mean, everything?" Her voice was once again low and dangerous.

"I, uh…I meant…everything."

He watched her face crumble before him. "Every—everything? The…the…"

"The bedroom? The bathroom?"

"You mean…you saw…oh god, Harm. Why…why…it was so…oh, god…let me out. I have to get out of here. Let me out!" Her fingers fumbled once again to unbuckle herself, but he could see them shaking and the more she tried to release the seatbelt, the more they shook. "Let me out! Please!"

Obviously, there was no way he was going to just let her out on her own. "I can't do that. Let's just go home. It'll be all right. Come on, Mac!"

"No, Harm…I'm going to be sick. Let me out. Now!"

A closer look at her told him she wasn't lying. Quickly, he released her seatbelt for her and reached across to open the door. She tumbled out, and the next thing he heard was her retching beside the car. He wasted no time getting out and going around to her, and this time he didn't care if she didn't want him to touch her. He wasn't going to let her fall into her own vomit or hurt herself.

Mac heaved painfully over and over while Harm supported her and held her hair back. By the time she was finished, Harm was supporting most of her weight, her body trembling uncontrollably in his arms. "Mac, Mac…let's get you back in the car. You're okay. It's okay. Come on, sweetheart. Come on." Carefully he maneuvered her into her seat, buckling her into it himself. She was so pale now she looked nearly yellow, and he wondered if he needed to turn around and take her back to the hospital. He thought about it for a moment, then decided he'd just get her home and reevaluate her there. He handed her his handkerchief and shut the door before heading back to his own side.

Once he was back behind the wheel, he carefully pulled away from the curb and did his best to keep the ride as smooth as possible. For her part, Mac cried silently, her color remaining sallow, and Harm felt his worry for her grow. Lost in that worry, he nearly jumped when he heard her voice.

"None of it was mine," she said softly.

"I know," he answered back.

"I never drank any of it."

"I know, Mac. I know."

"I was trying to get rid of it all before I started to…to bleed…"

"I thought so. Mac, it's all gone now, and you never have to worry about that or him again."

"Thank you." She spoke so quietly he almost didn't hear her.

"You're welcome, Mac." He thought she'd go back to being silent, but she surprised him yet again.

"He…he…"

"He drank a lot, didn't he," he finished her sentence for her.

"Yeah, he did."

"Well," he soothed. "It's over. It's all over."

Both of them knew, however, that it was going to take more than ridding her apartment of Clayton Webb's booze for it to actually be over.

"How 'bout you go lay down for a while, Mac," Harm said as he unlocked her door for her.

"Okay." He was a little shocked when she didn't protest his solicitous behavior.

He didn't touch her, but he did walk with her down the hall toward her bedroom. She hesitated before pushing the door open, and he saw her hands start to shake again.

"Mac," he said softly. "It's all new. The sheets, the mattress, everything. You won't have to see any of that again."

"You…you replaced the mattress? How…why…"

"It had soaked through…I didn't want you to have to see it every time you made your bed. I got a newer model of the one I have…you said you liked that one when you stayed over after Coster…it's got a one-hundred-day guarantee, so if you don't like it…"

"I'm sure it's fine, but Harm…you shouldn't have…I'll pay you back. Let me get my checkbook." She started to step away from him, but he risked holding her back.

"Mac, you don't have to pay me, for any of it." He watched her shake her head in protest.

"No, Harm…I can't let you…it's too much. I'll pay you. Just let me…"

"Fine, Mac…you can pay me back," he said, just to get her to drop it and go lie down. "But please, let's discuss it later. You don't need to worry about it now, okay?"

To his relief, she nodded, and he led her into the bedroom. "I didn't know what to do about the bedspread, but I knew you had that quilt…" he said when he saw her gazing at the new bed.

"Thanks…I love that quilt…maybe I'll just keep it there for a while."

Harm gave her a soft smile. "Sounds good. Look, why don't you let me grab you something to sleep in—maybe those cowboy pajamas? —and then I'll wait out here in case you need anything."

"Okay," she said without protest, and he knew she was terribly exhausted. "The pajamas are in the third drawer down on the right." Harm nodded and retrieved said pajamas and handed them to her, and then he waited patiently for her to use the bathroom and change. It took her a while, and just as he was about to get up and demand to be let in, she emerged, looking fairly unsteady. He did get up then to help her if she stumbled, pleased when she actually took his arm for support.

Soon, she was all tucked into bed, having promised Harm she would call him if she needed to get up. Resisting the urge to kiss her forehead, he left the room, leaving the door open a crack so he could hear her if she asked for him. He then headed to the living room, planning to get a bite to eat, but then he found himself sitting heavily on the couch, his head in his hands. He didn't cry, but he rather wanted to, because he knew Mac had a long road ahead of her. He vowed once again that he'd help her through it, whether she wanted him to or not.

The new mattress was heavenly. In truth, she planned to get rid of everything Webb had ever touched, and she was relieved she wouldn't have to deal with at least this part. On the other hand, she resented Harm's intrusion and presumption. She never wanted anyone to see how weak she'd been to let an alcoholic into her home. She hadn't been tempted to drink herself, thank God, but to let him stash all of that liquor in her home…well, she would never forgive herself for that…and for everything else she'd let him do to her.

The tears she was tired of shedding leaked again from her eyes. She'd fucked up her life, fucked it up utterly, and she had no idea how to fix it. No idea at all. The nagging little voice in her head begged her to let Harm in, but, just as she'd told him 'never' in Paraguay, she never intended to trust him again. Oh, she'd still trust him to watch her six, but as for her heart…well, her heart was likely a blackened lump of coal now, good for only pumping blood around her body, some of it not even hers now.

Thoughts of blood and transfusions and soaked mattresses caused her to shiver again, and Mac pulled the quilt up higher, all the way to her neck, and suddenly her nose caught Harm's familiar scent. She hadn't been around it in so long and she inhaled deeply, finding it at once comforting as well as anxiety-provoking as well. That she still wanted to wrap herself in that combination of his aftershave and his own unique scent hurt her. It told her she'd never be free of him either, and it broke her heart even as she pulled the quilt more tightly around her to let his scent lull her to sleep. She prayed she wouldn't dream about him as she had for so many years; it was too painful to wake up and find none of it was real, but just before she gave herself over to slumber, she knew her dreams this time would be of Webb instead, and they caused for more pain than anything else ever could.

End Chapter 7