Cinder's arm hurt. Her missing one, to be precise. It was a feeling she was familiar with, she'd endured similar pain for a long time after the fall of Beacon, and then after she received her grimm arm from Salem… well, that had hurt in a very different way, but it hurt all the same. And now with that arm gone, she was back to the same old invisible ache. It's not that it was unbearable or anything, she'd certainly endured far worse over the years, but that it existed as this constant reminder of what she'd lost. The feeling of that flesh burning away, looping on repeat day after day.
Even worse was when she began to tune out the pain. That didn't sound so bad, but it was in those moments that she began to forget that she'd lost it in the first place. To be able to subconsciously believe that she was still whole. In the moments where the pain faded into background noise, all that was left was the vague sensation of something being there, right where it was supposed to. Of course the illusion was oh, so fragile, and all it took was for her to reach for something without thinking, or to glance down, for it all to come crashing apart. And that was the most painful thing of all.
At the very least, the times when she forgot were few and far between, there wasn't much else for her to focus on during these long days spent trekking through the wilderness of Anima apart from the burning. Well, other than Ruby. Cinder could never bear to admit it out loud, but she'd actually kind of started to enjoy being around her. This latest leg of their journey, sparring and training together, it'd probably been the most Cinder had genuinely enjoyed herself in… a long time. Even if she constantly had those voices in her head reminding her that she didn't deserve any of this, that Ruby was at best showing her pity, and even then only because the girl was so naive that she couldn't see just how monstrous Cinder really was. And of course, there was the fact that all of this was just temporary, only lasting as long as it would take for Salem to find them.
She quickly bit the inside of her cheek, focusing on the pain in order to draw herself away from those thoughts. There was no point wallowing in all that right now, in large part because Ruby would almost certainly notice her bad mood, and while she wasn't one to pry she'd definitely give Cinder one of those disgustingly pitying looks that she was so fond of. Better to focus on other things, like the fact that they should be reaching a new town at some point today. Hopefully she'd finally be able to get a night to herself once they were there, a nice private inn room where she could be alone with her nightmares, with no Ruby around to see.
As if on cue, Ruby's excited voice called out from just up ahead, "Hey Cinder, come check this out!"
Cinder rolled her eye, continuing along at the same pace she'd already been walking at. If Ruby wanted to excitedly run ahead every time they came to a hill so that she could see what was around that was fine, but Cinder had no intention of wasting her energy in the same way. She made it soon enough, in any case, Ruby giving her an energetic smile and then pointing at what had caught her attention.
Ah, well that would explain it. The town that they were travelling towards was finally in view, a fortified settlement built at the base of a cliff, kept safe by that natural barrier in concert with an imposing looking wall. At the very least it seemed like they wouldn't be forced into immediately saving this place from grimm like with that last town they visited. It was still a fair distance away, maybe an hour or so at their current pace, but still the sight alone was enough to improve Cinder's mood.
"Looking forward to not having to camp for a night?" Ruby asked with a grin. Clearly she'd noticed Cinder perk up, it was annoying how attentive she was to those kinds of things.
"Just glad you didn't manage to steer us completely off course," Cinder shot back, although she couldn't stop a small smile from settling on her face as she walked past Ruby, continuing on down the path.
Ruby gave an exaggerated pout, before skipping along after Cinder, quickly catching up and taking position alongside her. "Oh, c'mon, I know how to navigate just fine. Mostly. It's not my fault that map was so hard to read."
"Riiiight. Definitely." Cinder rolled her eye again.
This time Ruby stuck her tongue out, before starting to giggle. She settled back down after another few moments, thankfully. "Well, I know I'm really looking forward to it. Especially after last night, ugh."
"I know what you mean." Cinder replied. Last night had certainly been a rough one.
While destroying Cinder's grimm arm had greatly lessened the amount of grimm the pair were having to deal with, and all in all this latest leg of their journey had been fairly relaxed, they were far from completely safe as they travelled through the wilderness. Case in point, the previous night, a pack of beowolves had happened across their campsite. Cinder was on watch at the time, but had been so absorbed in her own thoughts that she didn't notice the grimm until they were practically on top of her. In retrospect, those thoughts that she was lost in might have been the exact thing that attracted them in the first place.
In any case, it was a very unpleasant surprise. Ruby got quite the rude awakening, and the pair stumbled through an unprepared defense. Thankfully neither of the girls ended up getting too hurt, mostly just scuffed up and worn out, but it was still not exactly the best experience. Oh, and one of the monsters managed to slash its claws through Ruby's cloak, tearing through the crimson fabric, a fact Ruby had been repeatedly lamenting over the course of the day.
Oh, and now that Cinder started to pay attention again, it seemed like that was what Ruby was doing now. Again. Really, it was just a cloak, Cinder didn't get what the big deal was. Although, there were a lot of things she didn't really understand about Ruby, so maybe she should just accept it and add 'overly attached to clothing' to the list.
There was a bright side to it, at the very least. It meant that Cinder had an opportunity to do something for Ruby.
Ruby continued to ramble on, lamenting the mistake that led to her cloak being damaged in the first place, for some time as the pair gradually continued on down the path. It was only when they finally grew near to the town that Cinder spoke up.
"You know, if it's really bothering you I could fix it," she did her best to sound disinterested, as if this wasn't something she'd been thinking about doing for the last few hours.
Ruby looked over at her, eyes seeming to sparkle. "You can?"
"Of course. I'd need some thread to work with, but I'd imagine we could find a place selling sewing supplies somewhere in this town."
"Ooooh, you know how to sew, so multi-talented."
As Ruby beamed up at her, Cinder found her own lips twitching up into a small smile of her own. It was so easy to impress Ruby. Cinder didn't quite know why she enjoyed doing it so much. Well, she'd enjoyed being admired for a long time, having people look up to her. Being viewed as powerful and worthy respect. To not just be treated like some kind of lesser being.
She suppressed a shudder, and did her best to banish the memories of her childhood. In any case, she was familiar with those kinds of feelings, but it felt different when it came to Ruby. She didn't want to impress Ruby out of a need to prove her superiority, or in order to demand respect. There was no real need for that, Ruby already treated her well, treated her with more kindness than Cinder deserved, regardless. It was more that… the way Ruby smiles and gets all excited over these kinds of things, it makes Cinder's chest feel warm.
Whatever. It was probably nothing. In any case, they arrived at the town soon enough, passing though its large wooden gates and entering into the settlement itself. Much to Cinder's relief, no tolling of alarm bells welcomed them, instead the only noise was the typical bustle of a town like this. People raced to and fro, going about their daily business as if it was the most important thing in the world, barely even sparing a glance at this latest pair of travellers. Buildings in the typical Mistrali style were lined up neatly, all in uniform, boring colours offset only slightly by the scatterings of late-spring flowers blooming in pots here and there. A small group of children raced around nearby, playing some kind of game, their laughter carrying in the wind. All in all, a fairly typical town for this region.
"So, you said you needed some stuff to work with right?" Ruby mused as she and Cinder strolled down the main street. "I guess we should keep our eyes open for some kinda general store, or maybe a clothier? After that we can find an inn, should have enough lien to cover it all."
"Mm, we won't have much left afterwards though. Should probably try to figure out a way to get more." In the past when she'd been in a situation like this, Cinder's solution was to just take what she needed. She had a feeling that Ruby might object to that, however, which left…
"Huntress work will be pretty easy to find, don't worry. Towns like this can always use the help in clearing out grimm nests," Ruby grinned as she spoke, visibly growing excited at the prospect.
The fact that Ruby could still find joy in fighting grimm, after everything she'd been through, was utterly baffling to Cinder. They continued on, eventually finding what seemed to be the town's shopping district, a small cluster of assorted stores with brightly coloured signs that featured writing done in fonts so elaborate Cinder couldn't read them at all. Ruby didn't appear to be having the same trouble, thankfully, as she almost immediately noticed what seemed to be a fabric trader, pointing it out excitedly and then grabbing Cinder by the wrist and dragging her along to it.
It was a simple matter to purchase a spool of red thread that would work for their purposes, and from there it should've just been a quick trip down to the inn, but unfortunately Ruby got interested and wanted to spend a little longer looking around the shops. At the very least it was still fairly early, so Cinder tolerated this, trotting along after her as she bounced around from one store to the next.
"Ooh, these look so good, don't you think?" Ruby asked Cinder, looking longingly at a display of assorted pastries lovingly arranged in the window of the town's bakery.
Cinder turned a critical eye to them, and ultimately had to admit that… well, they did look rather nice. She wasn't one to be picky when it came to food, but regardless the golden, flaky crust on those tarts was enough to make her mouth water, and that wasn't even mentioning the beautiful cakes. Ugh, and some of them even had strawberries on top, it was like they were specifically designed to be a temptation for her.
Before she could actually respond to Ruby, however, she realised that the girl had already raced into the store. With a roll of the eye that was at least a little fond, Cinder followed suit. Inside, Ruby seemed to be deep in thought, staring up at a chalkboard covered in prices while stroking her chin dramatically, the shopkeep watching her with a bemused expression the whole while.
When Cinder stepped up beside her, Ruby looked over and gave a bright smile. "I really wanna get something, but it's just so hard to choose, huh? It all looks so good."
Cinder quirked her eyebrow, doing her best to ignore how much she wanted to agree. "You do remember that we don't exactly have much lien to spare, right?"
Ruby paused. "I mean, I do, but…"
"And that we haven't checked how much rooms at the inn will cost yet, so if we spend too much here we might not be able to afford a place to stay tonight?"
"Yeah…" Ruby looked over at the cakes forlornly. For a moment Cinder thought that she'd won, until Ruby turned back to her with the most brutally cute puppy dog eyes that Cinder had ever witnessed. "But don't you think it'd be such a nice way to celebrate us arriving here?"
"I…" Well, that was just unfair. Cinder tried to stay true to her resolve, tried to remind herself that a luxury like this was simply unnecessary, but Ruby just kept looking at her like that and… gah, how was she supposed to say no? "Fine, get whatever you want."
It probably wouldn't matter anyway, Cinder reasoned, and if it kept Ruby happy then she might as well play along.
So, funny story about that. Turns out, after Ruby bought her cake, they just barely didn't have enough lien to get two separate rooms at the local inn, and instead had to book a single room with two beds for the both of them to share. Again. A soft sigh escaped Cinder's lips at the prospect. Someday she'd manage to get some privacy, but apparently not tonight.
At the very least she had something of a task to occupy her for a while. Namely, fixing up Ruby's cloak. She was actually kinda looking forward to it, it'd been a long time since she'd last had the chance to do some sewing, and she always found the act to be nice and relaxing. One of the few times she could let some tension out, still being productive in that way her brain constantly screamed at her to be, but in a way that didn't require a great deal of intense focus or effort. She could just lose herself in that easy movement of needle and thread.
Speaking of which, she shrugged her travel pack off her shoulder and onto the ground, then squatted down and fumbled around inside it until she located that spool of thread they'd purchased earlier. With that in hand, she took a seat over on the bed that she arbitrarily decided would be hers, and started waiting for Ruby.
The girl in question was presently taking the time to carefully lean her scythe up against the wall, checking that it wasn't going to fall over in the night. With that done, she turned around and saw Cinder waiting with the thread in hand, and with an eager smile whipped off her cloak, then bounced over to Cinder's side.
"Do you really think you'll be able to fix it up?" Ruby asked, taking a seat down on the bed next to Cinder and passing her the cloak. "It got torn pretty bad."
"Well, it won't look like new, but the tears are all fairly clean, I can close the holes up easily enough." Cinder replied, setting the spool of thread down by her side and then using a pulse of her semblance to create a needle pinched between her fingers. Now, she reached over to grab the end of the thread with her free hand, she just needed to thread the needle and-
She froze in place. Slowly, she looked down to said free hand, her left hand, and her eye was met only by empty space. And all of a sudden that burning pain came back into focus, as bad as it had been that day seated on a tree stump in the forest, or that night atop Beacon tower. The times when that horrible silver light had washed over her.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. She'd let herself forget again, even just for a moment. Such an idiot. She clutched at the stump that remained of her left arm, sucking in shaky breaths as she curled in on herself, fighting fruitlessly to get the pain under control.
It was times like these when she just felt… pathetic. She'd spent so long trying to be strong, and look where it'd gotten her? She was a broken husk, barely in control of her own body, overwhelmed by pain that wasn't even real. So weak and useless.
She really, truly hated herself, and for so many reasons. She hated what she'd let herself become at Salem's side. Hated the fact that she'd just thrown everything she had there away. Hated that she'd never be able to escape from it. And most of all hated the part of her that still believed that she could be happy, that believed Ruby when she told her that she could change.
She couldn't, of course. A monster was a monster, plain and simple. And a monster was exactly what she was. Because what else could she be, after everything she'd done? Rhodes had been right to try killing her, back when he did. It would've saved the world a lot of pain if she just died.
A pair of arms wrapping tight around her body drew Cinder back into the moment. Ruby, holding onto her. Not giving up on her. "It's okay, Cinder. I'm here, it's gonna be okay," Ruby's voice was thick with worry, yet somehow soothing, calming. "Just try to breathe with me, in and out. It'll pass, you're gonna be okay."
Cinder did her best to follow Ruby's advice, following her example of slow breaths, and gradually the attack did start to ease off. The world seemed to come back into focus, and as soon as she'd stopped trembling enough to manage it Cinder pulled away from Ruby's embrace. She couldn't even bring herself to look at Ruby, already knowing the pitying expression that she'd find staring back at her. Someone like her didn't deserve to be looked at like that.
"Cinder," Ruby called out to her again, soft and sweet. "Are you alright? Do you need me to get you anything?"
"I…" Cinder struggled to speak, too busy mentally berating herself for breaking down like that to form proper sentences. Stupid, stupid. "I can't- I-" she grabbed at the cloak, shoving it back towards Ruby, "I can't do it. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry." She grit her teeth tight to prevent herself from babbling. It wasn't enough for her to be that useless in the first place, she had to show it off in front of the one person who… who… who might actually care about her, even if it was only because she didn't recognise what Cinder really was.
A gentle hand coming to rest on her shoulder interrupted this latest downward mental spiral. "Hey, it's okay, I wasn't thinking about it either."
A simple nod was all the response Cinder could manage. Internally, she was desperately trying to lock all those feelings back away, to shove them into some dark corner of her psyche where she could continue to ignore them as much as possible. Where they could continue to fester inside of her, ready to burst out at the slightest provocation. Still, it was better than the alternative of actually trying to deal with those feelings.
A silence settled between the pair for a few minutes, until Cinder had more or less calmed down completely. "I shouldn't have offered to fix it," she murmured, "I didn't realise that I couldn't anymore. I'm sorry." Some part of her mind actually found it a little funny that she was apologising to Ruby. Definitely not something she ever thought she'd be doing.
Beside her, Ruby carefully leaned down and picked up the needle that Cinder had made earlier off the floor, apparently she'd dropped it without realising. "Y'know, if you still wanted to try," Ruby then reached over for the spool of thread, quickly finding the end and poking it through the needle's eye, "Maybe we could do it together?"
Finally, Cinder turned back to face Ruby, her golden eye meeting silver. "How do you mean?"
"Well, I can be your other hand. You'd just need to tell me what to do." With a gentle smile, Ruby held the now threaded needle out to Cinder.
Part of Cinder just wanted to say no, to just put an end to this. But then, at the same time, part of her still wanted to be able to do something, anything for Ruby, even if it was something small as this. Slowly, she reached out, taking the needle from Ruby. "Alright."
With some careful direction from Cinder, Ruby unravelled a length of the thread, then tied it off in a double knot. From there, the two girls spread the cloak out across the bed, and with Ruby helping to hold the fabric steady, Cinder was able to start stitching up the assorted tears. It wasn't as bad as she'd been fearing, certainly not as easy as it had been for her in the past, but Ruby was attentive to her needs and Cinder could still handle a lot of the work one handed. Slowly, she felt the tension that had filled her body so recently start to drain away as she relaxed, just focusing on completing one stitch after another. Repetitive, well practiced movements, no need to think about anything else. There were a number of different rips, and one by one they began to close thanks to the pair's careful work.
"Do you sew very often?" Ruby asked after a short while.
Cinder hummed back. "When I get the chance. I like to make my own clothes."
Ruby paused for a moment, looking up at Cinder with wide eyes and mouth in an 'o' shape. "Really? That's so cool! Did you make anything you're wearing now?"
Cinder's eye flicked down. She was still wearing the same outfit she'd worn back in Atlas, even if it was a little worse for wear after all the hiking she'd been doing of late. "Not the shoes or the belts, but the rest, yeah." It was honestly a bit of a fond memory. After forming her little alliance with Neo to kill Ruby (probably best to leave that part out if Ruby asked about it) the pair had taken a small diversion to steal some fabric and assorted other supplies from a store in Mistral, then pulled an all nighter throwing their new outfits together. It was sorta… fun, just being able to spend a little while doing something frivolous, not caring about the big picture.
"Wow, here I am not even able to make little repairs and you're putting together whole outfits," Ruby laughed, pulling Cinder back into the present. "I guess that explains why you always look so good."
The corners of Cinder's mouth curled up in a small smile. "Flattery will get you nowhere," she lied, knowing full well that Ruby could probably tell the effect she was having on her. It was actually quite impressive how quickly Ruby managed to improve her mood after everything that had just happened. "Besides, you say that like you don't look good too."
"Oh uh, do you uh," a light dusting of pink settled on Ruby's cheek, "Do you think I do?"
Cinder maneuvered her needle carefully back and forth, pulling the stitches she was working on tight and then knotting off the end of the thread, closing up the particular tear she'd been working on. "Sure," she replied without thinking too hard, "You're a cute girl." It was really just a statement of fact at the end of the day.
"Wow, uhm," Ruby giggled nervously, shifting back and forth on the spot as her blush turned a little deeper, "Thanks, Cinder, that's really nice of you to say."
Cinder shrugged. "I need another length of thread."
"Sure thing!" Ruby quickly unspooled some more, then helped to thread and knot it for Cinder. "So, you made that outfit yourself, is that normal for you or is this kinda an exception?"
"I make pretty much everything I wear."
Soft hands carefully repositioned the cloak a little, giving Cinder easier access to the final tear she'd have to work on. "Woah, so even that fancy dress you wore at Haven? Ooh, or what about the costume you had on that time we fought at the CCT?"
A small laugh escaped from Cinder's mouth. "Yes, I made both of those myself. That sneaking suit I actually made right in my dorm room the night before the dance, even threaded the dust into it on my own."
"Well, maybe I'll have to ask you to make a full set of clothes for me sometime, I'd love to see what you come up with."
"Might be a little harder for me now, but I could try sometime." A few seconds more was all it took for Cinder to close up this final tear. Sitting back with a satisfied sigh, she ran her gaze across her work. Nothing too pretty, but serviceable enough, and the smile Ruby was giving her made it clear that she was also happy with the results.
"Thanks so much, Cinder." Ruby picked it up, and immediately pulled it back on, looking immensely happy to have it wrapped around her once more. "Luckily, I know the perfect way to celebrate this great victory," she punctuated the statement with an energetic fistpump, then stood headed over to the little pile she'd dumped all her things in when they entered the room.
"Oh, and what would that be?" Cinder's eyebrow quirked.
"Cake!" Ruby declared triumphantly, lifting up the small cardboard container the bakery had given her and then prancing back over to Cinder.
This was a little surprising, Cinder had honestly assumed Ruby devoured it all while she wasn't paying attention, but lo and behold when the girl flicked the box open there were two pristine slices sitting there, waiting to be enjoyed. Moist, spongy cake, topped with a tasteful amount of icing, and with a little added swirl of cream on top. Cinder immediately felt her mouth start to water.
Ruby laughed at Cinder's reaction, which drew a pout out of the older girl, and then in turn more laughter from Ruby. Nonetheless, they each quickly dug in. Maybe Cinder was going to have to confront all her problems eventually, and maybe it was getting harder and harder for her to keep them shut away, but for tonight at least she could just enjoy this beautiful sweetness, enjoy being next to Ruby, and save all of that for tomorrow's Cinder to deal with. She could probably handle it.