8. Cordelia
The new year had come and gone beneath the commotion of Lucina's return, so there was a late celebration at the castle, as much Lucina's going-away party as anything else. Since it was announced suddenly, not many of her parents' old friends came. Neither did Kjelle, despite what were apparently several late requests from Morgan.
"Yeah, in the letter I got this morning she says that she was selected last-minute for a competition at Arena Ferox," Morgan was saying to Owain, as they sat in a corridor outside the great hall, on the opposite end of a bench from Nina. She had sat here facing away from the windows so that she wouldn't have to watch the ugly slurry of ice and rain that fell outside. "Which I wouldn't want her to miss, of course; she's been hoping to get noticed at her exhibitions for the past year. Still, I wish it wasn't so sudden, because I would have liked to go."
Nina stared at the carpet that lay across the stone floor of the corridor, listening to them. She had dug a blouse that she hadn't worn in a year out from the back of her wardrobe for the event, and now she was reminded why it had ended up there in the first place: the cuffed sleeves that had felt tolerably snug around her elbows at first were now pinching her arms. Even worse, they itched. This situation had come about because Nina had been in too poor a mood to stand for fittings when the seamstress came to the castle earlier this week in order to alter everybody's clothes for the new year. She had expected her parents to tell her to stop moping and deal with it, since she was running low on non-barracks-appropriate clothes; but they hadn't, and so here she was, wearing the itchy blouse.
"Of course," said Owain, "this honor owes absolutely nothing to the tactical mind of my cousin."
"Noooo," said Morgan with a lift in his voice. "I didn't even mention it to Basilio the last time I saw him." He paused. "Actually, I don't think Basilio is even running this one, so I really couldn't have had anything to do with it. You can tell her that. Should she ask, I mean."
"What! No! How could I hide such chivalry?"
"Hah! It's really not chivalry. I mean, she's the one who saved me at first. That's how we...well...started."
"How did you come to be living with Kjelle, anyway? She saved you from some great and terrible torture – what else?"
"It's kind of a dumb story. See, last spring when I was kicked out by Justin –"
"Who was this? Green hair?"
"Yeah, that's him. Anyway, when all that happened I didn't know where to go, and about everything I owned was locked in the house. I knew Kjelle was living in the same city, so I went to ask her if I could stay with her for a bit, just while I waited for him to calm down so I could ask for my things back, you know? But...I kind of mentioned how I'd gotten thrown out, and when she heard it, she went over and...sort of beat him up."
Despite having deliberately stayed out of the conversation earlier, Nina spoke. "She beat him up?"
Morgan looked past Owain towards her, smiling sheepishly. "Well, she challenged him to a duel. In the street. Without weapons. That she won." He scratched at the back of his head. "I was really grateful, actually."
"Any friend should have done the same," Owain insisted. "That Justin was – er, if I may – an absolute cur."
Morgan winced. "Well, see, I – I know, okay? I mean, I knew. I knew that he could be like that, I just kept on...not doing anything about it. Kjelle didn't just say something nice or try to give me advice over it; she actually got angry and gave me the kick I needed. He fought back, you know, not that he had a chance –" He leaned back and put a hand to his forehead. "Kjelle pointed this out to me, how sometimes I try so hard to be nice that I do things that are really stupid for me in the long run. But she's so incredibly...self-assured, I guess. She won't take bullshit from anyone. I've come to really admire that." He laughed. His cheeks were red. "Having said that, I sometimes wonder why she puts up with me."
Nina wasn't entirely oblivious, and she doubted her parents or Lucina were either. She knew her brother had been attached to men in the way that other men were attached to women. Nobody had said much about it, good or ill, so Nina figured it was an eccentricity, the allowance of a second heir who didn't have to worry about marriage.
But then Jeanette had run away from her in disgust, and Nina had wondered if it had to do with something more than the fact that she already had a fiancé. So she'd pushed aside her intense embarrassment and resolved to talk to Morgan about it, figuring he might be the only person she could confide in. Yet now, hearing Morgan talk about Kjelle, she wondered if he would tell her in so many words that she was just a stupid girl going through a phase.
Right now, that was something she wanted to hear even less.
She'd spent the past week at the barracks fearing that somebody had seen her and Jeanette in the armory, or that Jeanette had told. She had no idea what the others would think of her if they were to learn. There were friends who were close enough to walk holding hands or sleep in the same bed, but Nina had the feeling that a kiss like the one between her and Jeanette crossed some sort of line. And if it didn't, then everybody else was doing a good job at hiding it from her.
Maybe these were the sorts of things she would know if she lived at the barracks. Maybe Jeanette knew about them, and that was why she had fled.
Or maybe it had less to do with the fact that she was a girl, and more to do with the fact that she'd forced her feelings on a friend. Because of course somebody was going to ask what was wrong with her if she thought it was a good idea to kiss a girl who obviously didn't want it. From Nina, at least. She was probably closer to the cur Morgan had been living with than Morgan himself.
He and Owain were now discussing a book that Laurent had written.
"It was just a draft," said Morgan, "so I had to send it back. Sorry."
"You could at least tell me if he's seen fit to have me grace its pages."
"That's, uh, probably the sort of thing he wants me to hold off telling people before it's actually finished –"
"Aw, come on!"
"Okay, well, he's trying to avoid putting anybody's real names in, and such – I mean, there's a character who's a bit like you, but I'm not sure he meant it –"
Nina gazed down the corridor towards the great hall. There was Iggy, standing by the entrance in a way that was probably meant to be inconspicuous. His family had probably come the farthest out of everyone at the castle today, but that was because they'd left a month ago from eastern Valm, where his mother had been attached to a certain theater, in order to arrive in Ylisstol in time to see Fiora. Nina had to admit that Iggy had started to grow up nicely, newly handsome in a more delicate way than Inigo; but it didn't make her any happier about how he kept looking at her when he thought she didn't notice.
Morgan was explaining to an indignant Owain that if you were to ask him it wasn't as though he had come across well in the book, either; and since Laurent had sent it to Morgan, he probably didn't even realize he had written either of them like that. By that point, both were so caught up that neither of them remarked as Nina got up and walked away from the entrance of the great hall to take a roundabout path back towards the affair.
There was a passage around the perimeter of the castle that eventually dumped her out into the front vestibule. It was quieter there, and dim despite the high window arched over the castle door. Nina splashed through little puddles of slush that had been left by guests to wipe her own shoes on the already-damp carpet. Then she noticed Marie standing to the side, shaking off her cloak.
"Marie," she called.
Marie looked up, a white cloak dangling from her outstretched hands. "Oh. Hi, Nina. Long time no see."
Nina cleared her throat, fighting a losing battle against awkwardness. "Why are you here so long after your parents?" She tried to sound cheerful.
Marie looked surprised that she'd asked. "I heard about this kind of late. I just came from the temple." She shook her cloak once more and folded it over her arm. "I've, uh, been in the priesthood since October."
"Really?" Nina looked her over. Marie did seem to be attired more plainly than Nina remembered her, with a long-sleeved tunic over trousers and boots, but she wasn't wearing a habit.
Marie shrugged. "It was the culmination of a lot of things." She stared off into a corner of the room. "My sister came to visit in the summer. First time we'd seen her in two years, you know, and she was just hanging around babbling about her adventures or whatever while my mom and I were dealing with tick infestations on two mares." Marie crossed her arms. "So I sort of blew up at her one night, and she left on her pegasus. That pissed my parents off, and they talked at me a lot about how Cynthia takes care of herself for the most part, and how there are different things expected of us, and how they don't want to see me estrange my only sister."
She took a deep breath. She had started to pace around the area as she talked, looking at the ground. "It kind of...made me think about a lot of things – about how when I first got a lot of responsibility at the ranch, I started treating Cynthia and my parents and even people in general differently, like I was better than them somehow. So I started seeing a priest in the city to talk about how I dealt with others, and my worldview, and so forth. And I found that...I really liked spending time at the temple, speaking with him about all these things concerning morals and discipline and selflessness, and...it developed from there." She shrugged again, like it was the sort of thing that could happen to anybody.
Marie turned towards Nina. "About how I've dealt with people in general...I wanted to apologize for vanishing after you joined the knights."
Nina felt her heart skip a little. "Marie, I want to apologize," she said earnestly. "I should have made time for you. It's not that I was so busy that I couldn't have, but that I never thought of it. I thought you were jealous, and I just avoided you instead of asking, which was callous. I'm sorry."
"I was kind of jealous," admitted Marie. "But that's not your fault. I got over that a long time ago, anyway." She smiled, and though Nina was well aware that she should have done better by her friend, it comforted her to see Marie smile again. "Let's chalk it up to us both being kind of callous. Anyway, we should go inside," said Marie as she turned towards the doors that led to the great hall. She indicated her cloak. "I need to drop this off."
"I'll show you where." Nina pushed the doors open. The scene before her exploded with warm torchlight and noise, the figures dark and colorful against the pale stone and draperies of the hall.
"At least there isn't an announcement," said Marie, coming up beside her.
"This is fairly casual," said Nina. She showed Marie to a corridor where one of the maids was taking coats and cloaks. Marie gave hers, and thanked the woman.
They went back into the hall, staying along the walls. There were maybe forty people milling about, which wasn't many for a royal event. The largest cluster of guests centered around Lucina, of course, who was standing near the thrones speaking with Lady Maribelle and her son. Inigo's father was nearby with Fiora, who was giggling at something her grandfather was telling her. Nina could tell from the way Lucina was standing that she was trying to keep half an eye on the pair of them, since her father-in-law's sense of humor was known to occasionally cross lines. Nina's own gaze roved for Inigo himself, or perhaps one of her younger siblings (though it was unlikely that Emma was present if Maestro Brady was in plain sight and hadn't been accosted by who was, charitably speaking, his most enthusiastic pupil), but it was her parents she saw first, at the back of the hall with some of the councilors.
A few days ago Mother had approached her and asked if she would be willing to start sitting in on court sessions starting with the first one next month. Nina didn't think this sounded too daunting, but when she told Abel, he had said he didn't envy her at all.
"So you're not working at the ranch anymore?" asked Nina, turning towards Marie.
"No, I still am. I don't live at the temple." Marie took a pastry from a table as they passed it. "There are a lot of parishes out in the farmlands. I'm going to see if I can be placed at one of them once I take orders." She swallowed half the pastry in one bite, then continued. "Willow can come with me. Otherwise, though, I'll probably stay here in Ylisstol."
"There are a lot of priests in the city already, though," said Nina. "You know where they're beginning to send people now? Plegia. There are a few temples of Naga near the border."
"Isn't a lot of it that newer cult, though? Interism? Is it still a cult? You know, where they have certain burial rites to stop the dead from coming up as Risen."
"They do a lot to honor the dead," said Nina, who knew a bit more on the subject. "You know, even after burial. One of the big things they believe in is keeping a memorial for somebody on the anniversary of their death." A butler bearing a tray of empty glasses approached them expectantly, but noticing neither of them held a drink, he moved on. "My sister knows some Interists. They help her in hunting from time to time."
"Huh," said Marie, tilting her head. "Well, Interists or no, I can't be too picky. I know where I'd like to go and where they've talked to me about so far, but I'll go wherever they need me in the end." She stopped walking. "Hold on." Marie dashed back to the pastry table and returned with two, one of which she held out to Nina. "I mean, they probably have farms in Plegia. Wait, that was stupid; of course they do."
Nina accepted the pastry. "Around the rivers. They flood in spring, and then the land's good for at least some things the next season, whether there's rain or not."
"I'll put in for better boots," said Marie dryly.
They stopped behind a pillar. "What does your father think of you joining the priesthood?" Nina asked between bites. "I can't imagine that it's something he would've been happy with from the start."
"He doesn't really care. When I said I was joining he asked me if I was sure, and again if I was really sure, but when I said I was honest he went with it. I mean, it's not like he would ever actually keep me from anything, not with how he lets Cyn–" She stopped.
"What?"
Marie closed her eyes for a second, then opened them. "How have you been doing in the knights? Is the captain as bad as they make her out to be?"
"I suppose she is, at first," said Nina. "But she's really not bad once you've shown yourself a little. At least, I hope that's why..."
She trailed off as she noticed the captain in question approaching her and Marie from across the room.
"Did you summon her?" asked Marie under her breath.
"You did," Nina pointed out.
"Nina," said Captain Cordelia in greeting. Her long coat was flecked with raindrops. "Cynthia Marie. Well met."
"Well met," said Nina. She began to curtsy, since it was an event at the castle and therefore deserving of a formal greeting; but upon noticing that the captain had already turned towards Marie, she raised herself back up, flustered. In a couple of months, after she'd been inducted into the knights, she would be able to bow instead of curtsy if she wanted, and that would look much less silly even if she did it out of place.
"Marie, I heard from your mother that you recently enrolled in the priesthood," the captain was saying. "I'd like to offer my best wishes."
"Thank you," said Marie, in her polite, speaking-with-nobility voice. "I'm only an acolyte, but I'm hoping I can learn to do some good, at least."
Severa came in from the other side of the room. "There aren't any extra chairs on that side, either." Upon joining them, she, too, honed in on Marie. "Aren't you Cynthia's relative?" she asked, making it sound like an accusation.
Marie's eyes narrowed. "I'm her sister."
Severa rolled her eyes towards her mother, also accusingly. "Calm down. I'm not here to insult her. Actually, I brought it up because I still need to properly thank somebody for this one time she saved my ass in East Ferox. It was her fault to begin with, but she ended up fixing it, so I was just wondering if you would...pass my thanks along...or the like."
Now Marie began to take interest. "Wait, what did she do?"
Severa let out a deep breath. "All right, if you want the details..."
"I suppose you've had or will have enough time to say goodbye to Lucina outside of this, right, Nina?" asked Captain Cordelia as she stepped between Nina and Marie, as the latter had turned away to listen to Severa's story. "Mind going for a walk with me?"
It was at this point that Nina realized she had been set up. And she knew also that to refuse would only delay the inevitable of...whatever the captain had planned. "No, ma'am, I wouldn't."
"Excellent." The captain turned on her heel and headed away. There was something sharp in her voice; her face was inscrutable. Nina began to worry, but followed anyway. She could have sworn she caught a glare from Severa towards her mother as they left, but the captain merely gave her a tight-lipped smile and continued on.
Nina followed her down the same corridor where she had been sitting with Morgan and Owain earlier, now deserted.
"There is a parlor on this floor, isn't there? Obviously we can't go out on the grounds." The captain glanced towards the window, where the gray light of early dusk made the courtyard look positively dismal.
"There is, ma'am. We should take the right up here."
The captain nodded. Shortly they came to a room on the west side of the ground floor where her parents sometimes received visitors when the great hall wasn't appropriate. It was empty now.
The room was kept in a way that was similar to her parents' study, including a large table and couches, but with portraits instead of books. Captain Cordelia seated herself on one half of a couch. With her long coat, she looked today like a regular city woman, not like a knight.
"Nina. Sit here."
Nina took the other side. She folded her hands in her lap.
The captain turned towards her. It felt almost intimate. "I spoke with Jeanette this week."
Oh, gods. "Yes?"
"She told me she was...startled by an exchange between the two of you."
Nina couldn't look up. "Just tell me, please. Tell me exactly what she said."
The captain's voice was deliberate. "She said you made advances on her, Nina."
Was that what that meant? Nina covered her face. Then she forced her hands down and brought her head up, even if she couldn't look the captain in the eyes. "I kissed her, ma'am."
She expected the captain to be angry. The captain did frown a bit, like she was displeased; but mostly, she just looked sad. "Is that all?"
"I...believe so, ma'am."
"You believe so?"
"I'm not exactly sure what counts as an advance, ma'am."
The captain sighed. "You...would know, Nina."
What exactly had Jeanette told her? Even though Nina was the one with less of a right to feel betrayed, the thought that Jeanette might have made something up still angered her. "Did Jeanette tell you there was more? Because, I can swear, unless there's something I'm completely unaware of, there was nothing else –"
"I know, Nina. I believe you. But Jeanette gave me no details, so I had to ask." The captain steepled her fingers in front of her mouth. "Nina...you know you can't force somebody to love you."
This was not a response Nina had expected. "Excuse me?"
The captain looked to her. Her eyes were almost pitying. "You can't force your feelings on somebody. Even if you feel that your affections are overflowing, that the other person must reciprocate if you show them enough. That's not how it works. That alone is never what causes someone to change their mind." She stared down at her hands, looking embarrassed to be speaking about such things. "I don't know your feelings for Jeanette, but if I know young women – and I've taught many – I would guess that you're thinking how cosmically unfair it is that Jeanette didn't want to kiss you back?"
Yes. No. Sometimes. Nina drew her knees to her chest, not caring that she set her feet on the edge of the cushion. "No. I think more about how I wish I hadn't done it."
"Because it frightened Jeanette, or because you were hurt?"
"If I say both, will you think I'm lying?"
"You're a very poor liar, Nina."
Nina's face burned. "Why are you being so – civil with me? I kissed Jeanette, I – I betrayed a sister-in-arms," she stuttered. "Why aren't you telling me that it's unacceptable, or disgusting? Why are you taking my side seriously?"
The captain didn't flinch. "I never said that. I never said you betrayed anyone, or that you were disgusting. But if you want me to scold you for this, then, fine. Since you brought it up, I want to remind you that what you did was inappropriate, and that Jeanette had every right to be upset."
"I know that much –"
"And watch how you address me."
"I...know, ma'am. I'm not that naive..."
"Especially since you are also a woman," the captain added. Her eyes were sad again. "Listen. Jeanette came to me because she wanted to make sure I would vouch for her reputation in the event that somebody learned of this. I had to fight for her to tell me who she was even talking about."
Nina felt her stomach drop. Of course Jeanette wouldn't have just sold her out. Yet here she was being lectured by the captain all the same. "But...it was only a kiss. I know I shouldn't have done it, but –"
"But she's engaged, Nina," said the captain. "And you know full well that Jeanette doesn't have the same...permissions in her personal life as you might." She stopped Nina's protest with a hand. "I know they're countered by expectations; don't tell me. Jeanette may not be making the wisest choice with this marriage, but she's made it. And now she's under the expectations of her fiancé and his family. Do you understand? Something like...this," she said, making a vague gesture, "may be the sort of thing you could carry on, for several reasons, but even if Jeanette could have done so before – I don't know exactly what sort of standing she comes from – she cannot, now." The captain straightened the huge collar of her coat. It looked like an excuse to turn away. "This part, you would have to deal with even if she did reciprocate. Which, I will remind you again, she didn't."
So that was how things stood. It was a diversion, but not one unheard of. Nina stared at her knees and nodded, privately grateful that the captain took it all somewhat seriously.
There was silence.
"So...you really think Jeanette isn't making a wise decision, Captain?" said Nina. "I know you're worried for her, but do you think she'll regret it?"
Captain Cordelia leaned back. "What do I know? I want to say that she is young and hasty." Her tone was lighter; apparently she was as tired of lecturing Nina as Nina was of hearing it. "But your parents, and Cynthia's parents...all of us, really, were the same way." She paused. "Your aunt also married at sixteen."
"But none of those had to do with money. As far as I know, anyway." Her father sometimes complained about how he wished Aunt Lissa and Uncle Vaike would take more advantage of the royal funds that were theirs.
"No, they didn't. And I should hope that Jeanette's doesn't, despite appearances." She stared across the room towards one of the portraits, a painting of a very serious-looking couple that had been Nina's ancestors a century or so back. "Such marriages really shouldn't happen anymore. Your parents created so many ways for families who lost property during the war to recover some of their capital, not all of them charity, and now several of those have been opened up to families struggling in other ways."
"I didn't know that," said Nina. "I mean, I didn't know those policies had been expanded. Is that recent?"
The captain looked back. "Recent? They've been broadened piece by piece over the past few years."
"Oh." Nina stared into her lap, her face reddening again. "Nobody's told me much about how Ylisse is run, until recently."
"Well," said the captain with a smile, "you've been hiding away at the barracks, until recently."
"I...I haven't been hiding, ma'am. I thought this was within the bounds of what my father wanted from me. But now –" Nina stopped. She didn't want to whine about her royal problems to Captain Cordelia of all people. But the captain had been speaking to her compassionately, and was now looking at her with renewed concern. Everything came out in a rush. "Now they say they want me to be the heir, which I suppose I should have already known a long time ago. But I don't feel that I know anything I need to, or that I'd be a good leader at all. You know how I am – I'm not the one who calls out formations in practice, or the one to whom anybody goes for advice. Lucina was leading soldiers and maybe even the country, or what was left of it, as a teenager, but I –"
"Nina!" said the captain sharply. "Stop! Stop this. You're getting ahead of yourself." She paused, looking unsettled; but then she leaned forward. "You don't truly believe you're incapable of ever being a leader just because Lucina was one first."
Nina bit her lip. "No, ma'am."
"Then why do you say that?"
"Because...because it's easier than saying that I'm afraid to learn. And because I'm afraid of what it means if I'm not as wise as her."
"What would it mean?"
"That I'm not trying enough. Or that there's something wrong with me, if I'm not capable of what Lucina is."
The captain's stern expression softened in realization. "Nina, I've trained you for two years. If anything, you push yourself too hard." She tilted her head. "That said, I don't want to see you throwing yourself into your training with the knights at the expense of your duties here. If there's any way I can see you avoiding responsibility, it's that."
It was the same thing her parents had said. "I know, Captain. I haven't avoided anything yet. I don't plan to."
"I know you don't. Nobody plans such things."
"I mean it," said Nina. "And I mean, also, that I'd intended to bring this up with you in a better way. I know I'll need to accept some restrictions on my position in the knights. I just didn't..."
"Want to disappoint me?" finished the captain, ruthlessly.
Nina nodded.
The captain leveled her gaze at her. "Nina. Despite everything that's been said today, I know you have the makings of an excellent knight, and an excellent ruler as well. I only want to see you reach that potential."
"I..." When the captain phrased it like that, it sounded as though she had an unfathomable distance to go. "That's still only potential. What if I can't reach it?"
Captain Cordelia smiled. "You're Chrom's daughter. I know you have it in you."
A/N: Next week's chapter will likely be posted late due to the Thanksgiving holiday. Now is a good time to note that I've had the whole thing done, sans final proofreading, since I first started posting - there's no risk of my dropping this because I can't figure out the ending.
I know everybody reading this is smart, but I'd still like to remind any younger readers to take things Nina hears and her own conclusions with a grain of salt. Likewise, even the most well-meaning of adults can be biased in their own ways. That's all.
Thank you to everybody who's read so far.