His whole life, Victor had been trying to be different things to different people.
When he was a child, his mat had never put pressure on him directly, but he had always known that she was there, watching him with her hawklike eyes, demanding that he do the very best he could.
And so he had tried. Tried and tried, poured himself into everything that was needed, hoping that something would be enough. When he had discovered skating, he had thrown his entire being into the sport, relieved to have something he naturally excelled at.
As his talent was revealed, it was decided by his parents that he should be assigned a coach. And so he was introduced to Yakov. The man was imposing, with a glare that could match his mat's, and Victor immediately found himself instinctively wanting to please him. He did his best with his skating, trying to win over the formidable man.
When he began competitions, a new source of pressure arose. Unexpectedly, he was extremely popular as a skater. People started recognizing him, and sometimes crowds formed where he went. He learned that the public quickly grew bored of his skating, however, always demanding something new to entertain them. Desperately, he began to do more and more intricate moves, doing his utmost to keep surprising his fan base so they would continue watching.
Eventually, he even developed some friendships with other skaters. He was always amiable enough, but he still kept everyone at an arm's distance from himself, making sure to guard his heart. He even dated a few men, but never really opened himself up to any of them. As soon as he began to sense disappointment in his partners, he cut them off, whether they were friends or lovers. He worked hard to keep his aloof appearance up, so that everyone would be satisfied with the image he projected for them.
Just as he was starting to wonder if he would ever truly feel like his efforts were enough, Yuuri burst into his life.
He was like a fresh breeze, blowing warmth into the icy loneliness that he had felt for as long as he could remember. Yuuri unconditionally accepted him at their first meeting, throwing himself upon Victor with pure abandonment as he begged Victor to be his coach. Victor felt his heart beat faster, and was fascinated by this feeling. He had never experienced this before, and was hungry for more, desperate to find out what it was.
But then Yuuri disappeared. It was like the whole night had never happened. For months, Victor waited, meditating on his feelings for the Japanese skater. Had it simply been a recognition of the surprise that Yuuri had given him? Or was it something else, something intangible that just kept slipping out of his grasp? Before he could reach an answer, he saw the video of Yuuri skating to his program, and his mind was made up. He would answer Yuuri's summons, and find out for himself what this man expected him to be. After all, he excelled at molding himself to fit other's expectations.
When he arrived in Hasetsu, he tried everything he could think of. He made it abundantly clear that he was open to a sexual relationship, but Yuuri spurned all his advances. Perplexed, he tried to settle into his role as a coach while figuring out what else Yuuri wanted.
But then, on the beach, Victor found the courage to ask Yuuri what he wanted Victor to be to him, and received the reply that he had unconsciously waited for his whole life.
Just be yourself.
Victor's mind reeled. Himself? Who even was he? He had spent so long living to please others, he wasn't sure who he was anymore. But as he looked into Yuuri's earnest eyes, he found himself thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to find out, if this man was by his side.
And that's when he discovered the name for his emotions.
It was love.