I'm back. This chapter is going to be a long one, I thought about splitting it into two but decided to keep it as the one. Here we meet John and find out about his life. Remember this is an AU story so if people aren't perfectly in character, that's why. I hope it reads well, I edited it quite a few times then stopped myself because I didn't want to over edit, I do that sometimes. Not quite sure I'm completely happy with it, but I had to edit around two small children and a toddler so please be kind.
Antarctica and John Sheppard Part 1&2
This was not what John had expected when he'd woken up this morning.
The day had started out fairly normally, he'd had breakfast, run around the base, then gone to the gym for a work out, that was all fairly standard. He'd just been pondering whether to chill out in the rec room with the other staff on base or head out for some flight practice, when he'd been called by his CO and ordered to fly a General out to a base not far from McMurdo; that was definitely not normal.
There was nothing out here except ice, at least as far as he'd been told, that was exactly why he'd been exiled here; the highers up figured he couldn't do too much damage in a place where he was rarely given any orders to disobey. John knew better of course, he wasn't an idiot, there had been far more aircraft activity around lately than he'd ever seen before and they had to be going somewhere. He hadn't asked about it, he was happy being oblivious, and after the horrors of Afghanistan, being tortured and losing his closest friends, he was happy keeping to himself and letting the world take care of itself for a while.
Of course he was the pilot on duty today so he had no choice but to go and it made a small break from the ordinary, boring routine of Antarctic life; even if he hadn't really been looking for one. So he'd suited up and shown the General to the helipad. Mitchell was a relatively pleasant fellow as Generals go. He didn't look at John dismissively as most Generals did. It didn't seem to matter what he did, or how polite or obedient John was, Generals just didn't seem to like him. This one was different though, he had a gleam in his eye that told John there was a lot of mischief under the stiff posturing his position demanded.
It should have been a relatively straightforward flight and in the beginning it was. They flew over the ice and snow, made polite conversation, it was all very civil. Then, out of nowhere, some kind of weapon was chasing them through the sky and it took all of John's considerable flying experience to get them away from it. When the weapon had been shut down and he and the General were back in the helicopter, he did his best not to look too closely at the thing that had been chasing them; he got the impression that he really didn't want to know what it was.
The next thing John knew they were landing at the base that shouldn't have been there, going down into the ice in a frighteningly rickety lift and the General was being whisked away to a meeting with parting instructions to John not to touch anything. That left the very curious Major with nothing to do but look around at all the crazy things in the room, and there was certainly plenty of that.
After checking out everything around the lift, without being too intrusive to the very busy people who seemed to be studying the crazy things, he headed deeper into the base, marvelling at how many people were down here.
What the hell was this place?
A room off to one side with a strange looking chair in the centre caught his attention and he headed in that direction, wondering what it was. As he approached, he saw a man standing off to one side of the room dressed in a bright orange fleece, so different to the dark, drab colours everyone else in the place was wearing. He moved over to the chair with a tablet in his hand and began typing something in, studying whatever came up on the screen closely. He glanced round as John approached giving John his first good look at him.
He was stunning.
He had fair, creamy skin, dark, spiky hair, high cheek bones and eyes bluer than anyone John had ever seen.
John's heart galloped in his chest in a way he'd never felt before. He'd been attracted to people in the past but this was different, there was something about this man that pulled at him in ways no one else ever had.
"Oh, hi, I … I haven't seen you around here before." The man seemed startled by his presence, had John been too quiet in his approach and given the poor guy a fright?
"Yeah, I just flew in with the General," John replied, glad his voice didn't sound as mixed up as he felt.
The man's incredible blue eyes widened in horror, "Oh my god, that was you? I can't tell you how relieved I was when I heard you and Mitchell were both all right," he said, moving over to John and looking at him apologetically, "I'm so sorry about the drone, I wasn't the one who launched it, and I did everything I could to stop it, but … this technology is still so new to us and there was nothing I could do. I'm really sorry," the man said, looking so guilty that even if he had been the one to launch the weapon John wouldn't have held it against him.
"You just said you didn't launch it, as far as I'm concerned that means it wasn't your fault," John replied. "And I'm still very much alive so don't beat yourself up about it." he reached out and put his hand on the other man's shoulder, wanting to assure him that he didn't blame him and also just wanting to touch him. He was surprised to feel more muscle than he'd expected under that fleece, but he liked it; men who were deceptively strong turned him on.
Orange fleece smiled shyly and that had him; this man was far too adorable. John could have just stood there all day staring at him, instead he held out the hand that wasn't on the man's arm and said, "Major John Sheppard, very experienced pilot, so trust me when I tell you it's not the first time I've been shot at."
"Dr Rodney McKay, physicist, and while that doesn't make me feel any better that experience obviously paid off for you today. You must be good to outrun one of those things, from what I've seen they're pretty efficient at destroying their targets. I am really sorry, and I'm really glad to see you're all right," he said again.
"Like I said, not your fault," John replied with a reassuring smile. He felt himself getting sucked in by the man's far too blue eyes again, so he turned his attention to the rest of the room. "This place is pretty amazing," he commented.
"Yeah, it is," Rodney agreed. "The people who built it left this plain of existence centuries ago, but all of this is still here which is incredible."
"It certainly says something about their ingenuity, doesn't it?" John said, his eyes still moving around the room. He looked back at Rodney then and realised that his hand was still on the man's shoulder. Trying not to make it obvious that he would very much like to have stayed there, John slid his hand gently down Rodney's arm and pulled it back just before it reached his hand, watching Rodney's reaction.
Rodney's incredible eyes watched the path of his hand until it moved back and John saw him blush slightly before he cleared his throat and turned to look elsewhere, obviously trying to hide it from John.
"Would you like to hear more about this?" Rodney asked, approaching the chair.
John followed him with a grin, "Sure," he replied, interested to hear what Rodney had to tell him about it and eager just to hear the other man talk.
The conversation started about the chair itself, led into a description of the people who made it, then came around to aliens and stargates and suddenly John realised that this was all a much bigger deal than he'd ever imagined. Stunned and not really thinking about what he was doing John sat down in the chair and was amazed when the chair leant back and the platform glowed to life around him.
Ah crap
John had been terrified. Rodney had been thrilled.
The next thing John knew people were all around him, looking excited and taking readings. The General ran into the room and looked both annoyed and amused as he reminded John that he wasn't supposed to be touching anything and John explained that he'd just sat down. There was talking about ancient genes and Atlantis and how they needed people like him for their expedition and John was dizzy just listening to it all.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
The next several hours were was a whirlwind of activity. He spent most of them with Rodney, learning more about what the chair could do, turning devices on and off, and the more time he spent with the man the more he liked him. Rodney was so clever, he had a great sense of humour and he liked a lot of the same movies and games that John enjoyed; honestly, he couldn't be more perfect if John had dreamed him up. John spent more time smiling and laughing that afternoon than he had in … well he couldn't remember the last time he'd done that.
Of course, it couldn't last forever. Eventually Mitchell came in and demanded that Rodney let John go to a meeting with him and Elizabeth, the expedition leader. John didn't want to of course, he wanted to stay and spend more time with Rodney, but he did as he was told, feeling a little flutter of pleasure at how disappointed Rodney looked as John walked away.
The meeting was another whirlwind of craziness, they crammed every bit of information about the expedition and the Stargate program itself into a very short space of time. Elizabeth then went on to explaining how important people with the gene were for the expedition and asking John to come along. Initially John was shocked, it wasn't often people were asking him to be a part of things, definitely not in recent history. Then a thought occurred to him, and he realised that was where Rodney was going.
It was crazy, completely crazy to be thinking about accepting such an insane offer just because of a man, but he liked Rodney so much … and of course there was also the fact that he'd actually be able to do something more with his flight skills again … well, hopefully anyway.
It was a lot to think about.
It seemed as though Elizabeth understood far too well how overwhelming this decision was for him. She told him to think about it and to come and see her if he had any questions. She then had a Lieutenant show him to some quarters, which, like everywhere else John had been, were shared and had bunk beds. John hated bunk beds with a passion, even if he could understand their usefulness. No one should sleep in a bunk bed after age 12 and there was nothing more awkward than waking up in the middle of the night with someone jerking off right above you.
The Lieutenant who had shown him to the room was his bunkmate and he had, of course, already claimed the top bunk which left John the bottom. He thankfully didn't stick around long and John was soon left in peace to think about what he was going to do.
And Rodney.
He immediately stripped the sheets off the bed and remade it, just in case the Lieutenant had decided to use both beds for some insane reason, then he climbed into the bottom bunk and pulled his ipod out of his pocket. He took it everywhere with him and right now he was really glad he did. He put in his headphones, turned on some Johnny Cash, and tried to think about the decision he had to make objectively.
Even if Rodney's far too beautiful blue eyes wouldn't leave his thoughts.
John liked men, he's always had more of a preference towards them than women and he knew it. when his family had found out they'd promptly disowned him and kicked him out of their very large house; so he'd immediately run to the military and never looked back. It hadn't been easy for him though he'd been so young and so starved for acceptance that he'd put up with a lot of things he shouldn't have just so he didn't get kicked out.
He'd had sex for the first time not long after arriving at the training camp. One of the senior officers had made him as soon as they'd met and he'd been kind enough to introduce John to the others around them that were the same way inclined. They were the ones who'd taught John the ins and outs of sex with other men and they were thankfully kind about it, knowing he was young and inexperienced. They'd taught him how things worked in a hierarchical way, like it did in every other part of the military, and the junior officers were expected to bottom for the senior officers. John didn't mind this at all, he actually enjoyed bottoming when he was in the mood for it, and when he wasn't he could say no, there was no pressure.
He'd had his first go of topping with one of the others training with him, they were a particularly large cohort that year and there was another the same rank as him who liked bottoming as well. Between the two of them John was generally the more dominant one and usually topped, and thankfully Josh hadn't minded.
There were rules to this set up though of course, this was the military after all and there were always rules.
No kissing, always use protection, never expect someone else to prepare you know how to do that yourself, and never face the person you were fucking.
Because that's all it was, fucking, there was no emotion involved. They were military men and as much as what they were doing was already stretching the rules, getting involved past the point of the physical act would be breaking them and that wasn't done.
That had been fine with John, he'd never had much of an emotional attachment to any of the people in his life, so he wasn't sure how he'd handle feelings or relationships if he were faced with them.
Things had been going just fine for him until a Captain had come to the base one day. He'd been cruel and brutal and he'd made John hate himself, but there had been nothing he could do about it because the man outranked him and threatened his position if he didn't comply. He couldn't lose his place in the military, without it he had nowhere to go. So, he'd put up with twelve months of humiliation and the several years of self-hatred that followed.
He'd eventually stopped hating himself for what he was, but it had been really hard. One thing that particular experience had done to him was break through the hard wall of ice he'd build up around his heart from childhood and not in a good way. He'd felt all the pain he'd locked away during his childhood bubble up to the surface and mix with the horrible pain, humiliation and self-hatred the experience had brought to him, and it had been horrible.
When he'd finally worked through it mentally as well as he could his heart was still open and raw and he craved acceptance more than he ever had. He kept it hidden though, under light hearted humour and a laid-back exterior, terrified to let anyone get too close. It had been a long time before he'd bottomed again and only for the men who had first taken him, because he knew they would treat his body well.
Years later this desire for acceptance had led to him making some decisions that didn't sit well with the highers up and he'd gone behind enemy lines to save people that he was told to leave behind. He did save most of them, and damn it he'd tried to save Lyle as well, the man had been his best friend, but he was just too badly injured and there had been nothing John could do.
He'd been court marshalled and exiled to Antarctica, which he actually liked, although other people thought he was crazy. After the deserts of Afghanistan, the ice was actually an enjoyable change.
Now here he was, being given a chance to do something amazing, and he was so torn about whether he wanted to go. It could be incredible, but it could be horrifying. and if he messed up, out there in another galaxy, there were far more people who would be affected by his mistake. He was excited and terrified all at the same time and he had no idea what to do.
This level of excitement and terror however was paling in comparison to how he was feeling about Rodney.
He'd never had relationships, never wanted them, but Rodney … god the man pulled at him. It wasn't just that he was beautiful, intelligent, fascinating, there was something else about him, a vulnerability, a sweetness, and yet at the same time an incredible strength and resilience. John wanted to wrap himself around the other man and protect him from the universe, while at the same time wanting to crawl into his arms and beg him to just hold him. It was confusing and frightening and John wanted to run away and hide, but he couldn't, he was desperate to be in Rodney's presence, craving the sound of his voice. John's heart wanted this man, it was the first time John's heart had ever wanted anything.
How was he ever supposed to make an objective decision like this?
He was so fucked.
XX
It was well into the evening by the time John left the quarters and went out looking for Rodney. He'd tried not to, but he'd thought about nothing else except Rodney … and maybe a tiny bit about aliens and special genes, all afternoon.
He knew he should keep his distance from the scientist, being near him certainly wasn't helping John think straight; but he just couldn't, he wanted so badly to be near him.
He made his way through the corridors to the chair room, wondering whether Rodney would still be there and hoping desperately that he was. When he reached the end of the corridor he glanced round and felt his heart jump into his throat as he spotted Rodney still standing at his computer, typing away and seemingly oblivious to anything around him. The room was otherwise empty and John inched closer, feeling almost like a predator stalking his prey.
God Rodney was beautiful, just the right height with a slim figure that John knew had a lot more muscle than most people would realise, beautiful, milky skin that John would bet was incredibly soft to touch, adorable, spiky hair and that face, with those high cheek bones and breathtaking blue eyes. John suddenly realised he was hyperventilating and stepped back into the corridor, fighting to get his breathing back under control. He shouldn't want Rodney, but he did, and if was going to want him it should only be for his body, but it wasn't. He barely knew the man, but he wanted to be with him in every way there was. He wanted to hold him and kiss him and make love with him and this frightened him, a lot.
After he finally got his breathing back under control his mind warred with him, half of it wanting to go in and talk to Rodney, the rest wanting to run away and hide from these frightening feelings. His fear was winning out and he was about to turn and walk as quickly as he could back to his room when he heard footsteps coming towards him from the very direction he needed to walk in and he knew he couldn't be caught just standing in the corridor, there's no way he'd be able to explain that away. Steeling himself he took a few deep breaths and made sure his relaxed, laid-back mask was firmly in place, before stepping out into the chair room where Rodney was still typing away, completely oblivious to John's approach.
He moved slowly, wanting to give Rodney a chance to notice him on his own so he didn't startle him like he had the first time. When John was only a few steps away and Rodney still hadn't looked up John decided he should say something.
"Hey."
Rodney whipped his head round and looked at John wide eyed for a moment, "Hey, I didn't hear you come in."
"No, you seemed to be working pretty intently there," John replied, his body moving closer without any conscious input.
"I guess I get pretty into it sometimes," Rodney replied with a shrug. "Did you need something?" he asked.
"No," John replied, hoping he wasn't bothering Rodney with his presence. "I was just looking around and saw you working in here. Everyone else seems to be gone for the night, why aren't you?" he asked.
"Wait, what time is it?" Rodney asked, sounding slightly horrified as he looked down at his computer screen. "Damn, Sam's going to kill me." He saved whatever he was doing and shut his computer. "I'm so terrible with keeping track of time." He unplugged it and tucked it under his arm, heading quickly for the corridor John had just come in through.
John couldn't help the disappointment that filled him as the man walked away from John like he meant nothing to him, which was of course true, they'd only met a few hours ago and just because John was going through an insane torrent of emotions over Rodney didn't mean Rodney was experiencing the same thing for him. He was looking down at his hands in disappointment when he heard Rodney stop "Aren't you coming? Have you already had dinner?" He asked and John looked up, surprised to hear him sound … disappointed.
Dinner? John hadn't even been thinking about dinner. Although come to think of it he was really hungry. Having dinner with Rodney sounded amazing, but he didn't want to presume anything. "I didn't know I was invited," John replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't always think about things the way other people do and … never mind. Want to come?" Rodney asked, a hopeful look in his incredible eyes.
"Love to," John replied with an easy smile that didn't at all give away how elated he was really feeling. He reached the mouth of the corridor and Rodney gave him a bright smile before they headed, side by side, into it. "Who's Sam?" he asked, hoping like hell Rodney wasn't about to tell him Sam was his girl/boy friend.
"She's the other chief scientific officer for the expedition and my best friend," Rodney explained. "We try to have dinner together with the group from the SGC as often as we can. She's been in meetings all day, Colonel O'Neill only flew in this afternoon and Mitchell is actually around for once, so we were all getting together tonight to catch up. Sam made me promise not to get too caught up in my work, but I am terrible at it. I'm surprised she isn't here right now looking for me."
John thought about it, was Sam a best friend who had the potential to be a girlfriend? Or was she just a friend? He was trying to think of a way to ask that question without his interest being obvious when he saw a gorgeous, blonde woman heading their way, looking equal parts delighted and annoyed, "Rodney you promised," she said.
"And I'm on my way, look," Rodney replied placatingly. "I know I'm a bit late, but I was coming, I promise."
Sam sighed and fell into step on Rodney's other side as they continued on their way in the direction of the mess hall. "The question is, were you at dinner on time or were you too busy making out with your recently thawed and medically cleared Colonel?" Rodney asked teasingly and Sam slapped his arm playfully. "We were on time thank you … there will be plenty of make out time after dinner," she added with a sly grin which made Rodney chuckle.
"You go girl," he replied and Sam laughed.
John was just wondering if he should fade back and leave them to their dinner, not wanting to feel like an intruder, when Rodney turned to him. "Major Sheppard, this is Dr Samantha Carter, the other chief scientific officer for the expedition. Sam this is Major John Sheppard, he flew Mitchell in this morning," Rodney introduced them and Sam reached over to shake his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Major, that was some impressive flying I hear," Sam complimented.
"Thank you, Ma'am," John replied, shaking her hand, "It's a pleasure."
"Call me Sam, Major, please, I get called Ma'am far too much around here," Sam replied with a friendly smile. "I've heard you have a strong gene like Jack and that they've invited you to come along on the expedition. Will you be joining us?" she asked.
"I'm still thinking about it," John replied. "And John, please, both of you," he added, mostly because he wanted to hear Rodney saying his first name.
"Really?" Rodney asked, sounding surprised and disappointed. "From the way Elizabeth was talking I thought you were coming."
"It's not that I don't want to, it's just that this is all a lot to take in and … I'm not sure if I'd fit in there," John replied. He'd gotten used to McMurdo and all the people there, they were content to leave him alone for the most part and he liked it that way. Getting used to another set of people and a new superior officer wasn't something he was looking forward to, particularly the expected reactions to why he'd been banished to Antarctica in the first place.
"Why wouldn't you?" Rodney asked, sounding genuinely surprised.
"Honestly, John, this expedition has so many different types of people from so many different places; if you're going to fit in well anywhere it would be with us," Sam said.
"Well, it's just that … everyone here seems to have been chosen because there's something … exceptional about them. You know, going off world, having several doctorates, etcetera, in comparison my skills just seem a bit … lacking," John explained, finally admitting to himself and them, one of the reasons he was scared to go. He had a lucky gene, that's the only reason they even wanted him along, what else did he really have to offer the expedition? The last thing he wanted was to be in a galaxy surrounded by exceptional people feeling ordinary and inadequate, he'd felt like that throughout his entire childhood.
Rodney and Sam stopped walking and stared at him incredulously, "John, you just out ran a drone in a helicopter that looks like the most antiquated piece of technology in the universe next to it. Do you know how many people have done that? None. You don't think that's exceptional?" Rodney asked.
John just blinked at Rodney, allowing himself a moment to absorb how good the scientist sounded saying his name, before replying, "I suppose I didn't think of it that way," he admitted.
"Trust me," Sam said as they started walking again, "It's not just scientists and people with off world travel experience we're going to need on this expedition. Who knows what we're going to find when we get there. There could be some incredible ancient aircraft or space craft to fly and can you imagine me or Rodney flying them? That's certainly not our area of expertise."
"You have to come," Rodney added, "It's the opportunity of a lifetime and we need all the talented people we can get. If we're in some kind of aircraft, running away from something shooting at us, you're the person I'm going to want in the pilot's seat."
John smiled, warmed by their confidence in his abilities, "Thank you, Rodney," he replied with a grateful smile. "I'll give it some more thought."
Rodney smiled back at him brightly and both he and John missed the look Sam was currently giving Rodney. If he'd seen it, John might have gotten an idea that this was the first time Rodney had been so smitten with anyone in years.
They reached the mess hall and John was taken aback by the amount of people sitting at the table off to one side of the room. Mitchell was sitting at one end of the of the table with Elizabeth sitting at the other. Beside Mitchell on one side was a tall, bald, black man with a very large number of muscles and a gold tattoo in the middle of his forehead. Beside him was an incredibly beautiful woman with long dark hair, bright, beautiful, brown eyes and full, red lips. She was smiling at the man sitting on the other side of her who was fair with short, dark hair, soft blue eyes and large round glasses that screamed nerd. The last one closest to Elizabeth was a man with fair skin, dark brown hair, friendly blue eyes and a Scottish accent.
On the other side of the table sat a colonel with dark brown hair, tanned skin and brown eyes; one look at him said in charge and laid back all at once. The chairs beside him were vacant and Sam and Rodney immediately moved to occupy them, Rodney beckoning for John to take the one next to him on Elizabeth's other side
"Rodney, you finally made it!" The Colonel called out. "I thought we were going to have to send out a search party."
"Well, you pretty much did," Rodney joked, motioning to Sam. "But yes, I'm sorry, I lost track of time."
"Don't feel bad, Rodney, Daniel and Sam are just as bad. It's the drawback to being brilliant, you get too invested in your work," the beautiful brunette woman said, in a lovely accent. "And who do we have here?" she asked looking at John with a welcoming smile.
"This is the guy who saved my ass today," Mitchell replied with a proud smile. "Major John Sheppard. He likes it here."
Everyone at the table turned to look at him with a greeting smile, but their faces soon turned to looks of confusion. "You like it here?" they all asked in such perfect unison John had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.
"Ah … yeah. It beats the hell out of deserts and sand," he explained and the others looked thoughtful.
"Everyone likes different things and we don't always have to understand them. For instance Jack likes hockey and fishing, none of us understand that," the man with the glasses said dryly and the Colonel glared over at him with a disgruntled, "Hey!"
"You obviously know General Mitchell," Rodney started speaking before the two could get into too much of an argument. "Going around the table clockwise we have Teal'c, Sha're Jackson, her husband Daniel Jackson, Dr Carson Beckett, Dr Elizabeth Weir who you already know of course, Dr Samantha Carter who you just met, and her husband Colonel Jack O'Neill." They all said hello and John waved back before Rodney and Sam got up to get food and John followed after them.
Dinner was surprisingly nice; he'd expected to feel awkward or out of place, but he didn't. The group of people were all so different, yet the bond between them was very obvious and genuine and they included John as if he were one of their own. He had no idea that this was due to Rodney and how he was behaving towards John. John had no way of knowing Rodney was usually much more reserved around people he didn't know all that well. He talked and laughed with the group as if he were perfectly comfortable around them all, and John was thrilled that he had the same manner towards him; he just didn't realise that this was unusual behaviour.
He learnt a lot about the people around the table throughout the evening, partly due to listening to their conversations and partly from Rodney filling things in for him. Daniel was an archaeologist and had discovered the Stargate, Colonel O'Neill had met him when they'd first travelled through it and they had helped the people there be free from a goa'uld named Re. O'Neill's CO had died during the mission and he'd had to take over, which John was sure hadn't been easy. Sha're was from that planet and had been originally given to Daniel as a gift, but the two had fallen madly in love and then she'd been taken as a host by one of those goa'uld things he'd only just learnt existed. They'd been lucky to find her later when they visited a planet with an ancient, advanced, hidden race living on it, and Aphophis had turned up at the same time with Amonette in tow.
They'd managed to convince the aliens to help them save her and she'd returned to them with all the memories she'd gained while she was a host and a wealth of useful information that had aided in the fight with the goa'uld. Teal'c had been Aphophis' first prime and had defected to help them fight the goa'uld.
Carson was the one who'd accidentally fired the drone at them when he'd been sitting in the chair and he was incredibly apologetic about it. The poor guy seemed terrified of the technology and John actually felt too sorry for him to be angry. Rodney and Sam had been best friends since childhood and had grown up together. They had three other really close friends- and in Rodney's case one was his sister- who were going to be coming to join them for the expedition, but were meeting them at the SGC rather than coming to Antarctica; another medical Doctor, a mechanical engineer and a biotechnology scientist.
Dinner was really nice and Colonel O'Neill, who was going to be chief military officer of the Atlantis expedition, actually seemed like a decent guy. John had no doubt he could be hard when he needed to, nobody got through the military without doing a few things that hardened a person, but John genuinely liked what he'd seen of the guy that evening and the thought of serving under him was actually more appealing than any of John's previous CO's or the current one.
So, he was going to Atlantis. Truthfully, he'd decided that as soon as Rodney had asked him to come earlier -how could anyone say no to the person who pulled all their heartstrings-, but now that he knew some of the people he'd be working with, the mission was looking even more appealing. Going to another galaxy wasn't going to distress him in any of the ways it did other people, he had nothing to leave behind. That thought used to leave a dull ache in his chest, right now though it didn't, all he could feel was excitement and anticipation of what was ahead.
It was late by the time the group decided to turn in and John was about to stand up when he felt a firm hand come down on his shoulder. He looked round to see O'Neill waving Rodney away and asking for a bit of privacy. John didn't want Rodney to go but he obviously couldn't say that, so he stayed in his seat while O'Neill sat down beside him. When the room was empty, their group having been the last ones still awake, O'Neill turned to John with a serious face.
"Listen, Mitchell looked up your record earlier," he began and John felt tension rise in him; of course this had to come up.
"I had a feeling he might," John replied, keeping his voice even and respectful.
"Look, can I be honest with you? I don't think you did anything wrong personally, in fact I probably would have done the same thing and I have done enough similar things in my time to understand your motivations. Daniel and Sha're are only alive because I disobeyed a direct order and I only got away with it because there were no lasting repercussions from that disobedience. And you know what? Even if I had been court marshalled, I'd do it again in a heartbeat, because it was the right thing to do. None of this changes the fact that you here right now because you disobeyed orders and that's something we have to address before we leave on this mission."
Jack was silent for a moment before he continued. "I can't promise you that every order I give is going to sit well with you; we're going to have differences of opinion, it happens, but you are the most experienced officer besides myself on this expedition." That news shocked John, but he did his best to keep it from showing on his face. "There is one other major on this expedition, but he doesn't have the experience you have. He was supposed to be my 2IC, but I don't think he's really ready for that; he's only just been promoted to major and he's still quite young, I'd like you to take that position," John could have fallen off his chair, "but you can't if I don't know for sure I can trust you to follow orders when I give them. I have my wife and my best friends coming on this expedition, I need to know if I can trust you with their safety."
O'Neill stood up from the table, "Give it some thought, Sheppard. I know right now your chances of being promoted in the future are pretty slim; if you do this job well it could change all of that. Sleep on it and get back to me."
O'Neill placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, then he left the room
John just sat in his chair stunned. After a few moments he heard the door open and suddenly Rodney was beside him, "Hey, are you okay?" he asked concernedly.
"How well do you know O'Neill?" John asked in return, his gaze glued to the table.
"Pretty well I suppose, why?" Rodney asked.
"Is he the kind of guy who … offers something up to someone just to … set them up to fail?" John asked.
"No," Rodney replied simply. "Jack's an honourable man, he wouldn't do that. Why?"
"He's just asked me to be his 2IC on the expedition," John replied, not really wanting to explain why that was a big deal.
"Well, that's great, right?" Rodney asked.
"Yeah, it is, I just … didn't want to get excited about something that could turn out to be-"
"A set up," Rodney finished for him, nodding understandingly. "Well, you don't have to worry about that, if Jack's giving you a chance it's because he's decided he likes you and he just wants to give you a chance." he assured John.
"Thank you, Rodney," John replied, giving the man a soft smile and trying not to blush as Rodney smiled back. "Are you off to bed then?" he asked, trying to take his mind off the thought of kissing Rodney, and figuring it was late so the genius probably would be.
"Probably soon," Rodney replied. "I need to get my brain to calm down first."
"Oh? How do you normally do that?" John asked curiously.
"A few different ways. Sometimes I read, sometimes I exercise, but I'm not really in the mood for either of those things right now. I'm kind of at a loss actually," Rodney replied.
"How about listening to music, that's what I do when I want to shut my brain up," John suggested.
Rodney looked thoughtful, "I suppose I've never really thought of that one, most of the music I listen to tends to wake my brain up rather than calming it down."
John recognised an opportunity when he heard one and despite how terrified he was of all the things he seemed to be feeling for the scientist, he was desperate to spend as much time with him as he could. "Maybe you're just not listening to the right music," he suggested. "I always listen to music before I fall asleep, I find it really soothing. Maybe I could show you some that'll work better for you."
Rodney smiled brightly, "Okay," he agreed, getting up from his chair. John grinned triumphantly and followed him out of the room. He led Rodney down the corridors to his room and opened the door, motioning for him to be quiet so they didn't wake the lieutenant who was currently sleeping on the top bunk. He moved over to the little table next to the bed where he had his ipod charging, thinking about what song he should play for Rodney.
He was surprised when the scientist tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to follow him out into the hall.
"Hey, do you particularly like this room?" Rodney asked once the door was shut behind them.
"No, why?" John asked.
"Because mine is a lot bigger, has two beds and its own bathroom if you'd rather join me," Rodney offered. "It's only a couple of days until we leave, but some of these rooms are like shoeboxes. Mine is a lot bigger, seriously, I even have enough room for a couch."
"Really?" John asked, thrilled by the idea of getting to spend more time with Rodney.
"Sure, if you like. Come on, I'll show you," he invited and John eagerly followed Rodney down the corridor. Rodney's room was only a short distance away, and when he opened it John could see why he'd invited him down there. The room was a good deal bigger with a couch at one side, a desk beside it, two beds and a bathroom at the back.
"Wow, you weren't kidding," John said, looking around the room in awe.
"They gave all the senior staff bigger rooms than everyone else, kind of a perk of the job I guess. They normally just have one bigger bed in them, but they ran out and I don't need a giant bed, so I took this one. Glad to see it's coming in handy. I took the one closest to the door, the other one is all yours. Don't worry, I promise I don't snore," Rodney said and John chuckled.
"Don't worry, I don't either," he replied.
They took turns in the bathroom, John not able to do much but take care of necessities and strip down to his t-shirt and boxers since he had none of his stuff with him. He apologised to Rodney as he came out, but Rodney assured him he didn't mind -and if John had been paying close attention he would have seen the desire in Rodney's gaze as it ran over him-. When they were both ready for bed John crawled into his, enjoying the fact that it wasn't a bloody bunk bed after having spent months in them back at McMurdo. Rodney turned off the light and crawled into his bed, looking over at John who was scrolling through the iPod for Johnny Cash.
"Ever listened to Johnny Cash?" he asked.
"I don't think so," Rodney replied.
"Okay then, it's time to expand your musical horizons," John replied, choosing one of the albums to play. As it started Rodney lay back down on the pillow, closing his eyes and listening.
When the first song was halfway through, he said, "You're right, this is pretty soothing. A little sad though."
John thought about it, "I suppose it is a little," he agreed. "They're not all like this, but I like this one, it's one of my favourites."
"Is that because you feel like he's describing you?" Rodney asked, sounding sleepy "The solitary man?"
"Maybe," John replied, thinking that that's probably exactly why he liked it.
"Have you been alone for a while, John?" Rodney asked.
"I've always been alone," John admitted, figuring Rodney was half asleep and probably wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning.
"Well, don't worry, you won't be alone anymore, you'll have us now," Rodney said sleepily, and John smiled over at him.
"I'd like that," he replied, watching Rodney's breathing even out as the man fell asleep.
He lay there for the longest time just watching Rodney sleep. He was tired, it had been a long day, but he just couldn't tear his eyes away from him. What was this feeling? John really didn't know, he'd never felt anything like it. It was so incredibly overwhelming, but it all just felt so right.
It took him a long time to fall asleep and he kept his eyes on Rodney's beautiful face until they just wouldn't stay open any longer.
XX
The next day John learnt a lot about the people around him.
He'd really thought their relaxed, friendly manner towards him was just who they were, he was shocked to find out that he had been wrong. Rodney was his usual friendly self to John, Sam and the others who were part of that circle, but with everyone else he was really quiet and reserved. It only occurred to John after a few hours of observing this that Rodney had been exactly the same the day before too, John had just been so overwhelmed by everything and, so smitten with Rodney, that he'd only paid attention to how the scientist spoke to him.
When members of the higher military and the IOA came to tour the place around mid morning, being the ones to decide whether the mission would go ahead or not, Rodney spoke only as much as he had to and was really cold. O'Neill and the others were the same and so was Mitchell; they were nowhere near as friendly to others as they were to the people in their circle.
He would never have said it out loud, but the fact that they seemed to have decided to include him in their circle made him feel all warm and fuzzy, particularly when Rodney would give an order to one of the other scientists in a detached, professional manner, then turn to smile at John and ask or tell him something in that warm, friendly tone he'd always used with him.
If he hadn't already decided he was going to Atlantis, this would have made up his mind for him.
He had a great day with Rodney, testing things in the chair and performing any other kinds of experiments the scientists asked him to. Sam and Rodney really were brilliant, he admired them more with each passing minute and they seemed just as enamoured with his ability to so easily control the ancient technology. To John it was effortless, like flying had always been effortless, but apparently it wasn't for everyone. Dr Beckett was working on a way to give the gene to those who didn't naturally possess it, but he said that even when he did it was unlikely that any of them would be able to operate the technology with the same ease he and Colonel O'Neill did it.
It made him feel better to know that he had something special to offer to the expedition … and Rodney.
Rodney … waking up in the bed beside his that morning had been incredible; he'd never had a better view to wake up to. He'd just lay there for the longest time, watching while the physicist slept. When he'd seen him starting to stir he'd sat up and stretched, not wanting to be caught staring. He completely missed the way Rodney's eyes lingered on his torso, honing in on the small stretch of exposed skin on his stomach. Rodney had been stretching himself by the time John stopped and he gave himself a moment to enjoy that view before Rodney asked if he wanted the shower first.
He had no idea Rodney was doing that because he was getting hard and didn't want John to see.
They'd gone to breakfast together and had an enjoyable conversation with a lot of the others from last night, before coming out to the chair room to start on their experiments.
John loved spending time with Rodney. They chatted, joked around, teased each other lightly, and John had never felt so at home with a person in his life.
The feelings were just getting stronger, but the more time John spent with him the easier they were to accept.
He just wished he knew what they were.
Watching the way that lovely, warm man disappeared when the IOA representatives arrived had been incredibly confronting. Of course it had been weird to see Rodney being all business like with the other scientists, but this transformation was far more severe. When they were finally gone John had seen the man close his eyes and breathe slow and deep. Sam had walked over and placed a gentle, soothing hand on his arm, "You did great, amico," she said softly and Rodney gave her a warm smile in return.
"You too," he replied appreciatively, and they shared a look that hinted at an intimacy far deeper than he'd thought was between them. If he didn't know Sam was married to O'Neill he'd definitely wonder about her and Rodney.
It had soon gone back to business as usual and the rest of the day had been mostly more of the same; experiments and friendly bantering between the three of them, until it came time for the higher military personnel and the IOA representatives to leave.
John had been standing next to Rodney when the group approached with Mitchell and Elizabeth, wanting to ask him some final questions. John had noticed earlier that Sam tended to do a lot of the talking to anyone outside the science team, but she'd ducked out to check on something a few minutes prior, and Rodney had been forced to answer all the questions himself. John could feel the tension in the scientists frame as soon as they approached and he felt an almost overwhelming urge to wrap himself around Rodney and protect him from whatever was coming. He couldn't do that of course, so instead he placed a hand gently on Rodney's back where no one else could see it, giving him whatever support he could.
Rodney answered the questions and Mitchell gave him a grateful, understanding smile as the men walked away.
"Are you okay?" John asked as soon as the representatives were in the lift and heading back up to the surface.
Rodney took several deep breaths and nodded, "Yes, thank you. Sorry, I'm actually not all that good with people," he admitted, "Particularly stupid ones like that who want to control me and dictate what I can and can't do. I'm used to the science team by now and they're fine, but I'm not great with new people in general. It takes me a long time to accept people in my space and even longer to like them."
Hearing Rodney say that made John think about the fact that he was now sharing the man's room and he wondered if maybe that was uncomfortable for him. He had offered of course, but had he offered because he felt like it would be impolite not to?
Not to mention John was still touching him.
"And here I am invading your space," John said apologetically, pulling his hand away.
"Oh no," Rodney said in a rush, turning to look at him with those far too beautiful eyes. "You're not. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't feel that way about you. I like you, I wouldn't have invited you to share the room with me if I didn't," he assured John. "I usually take a long time to like people, but not you, you're … different," Rodney said, looking down and smiling shyly. "I feel comfortable around you," he admitted softly and the warmth that had been in John's chest ever since he'd met these people grew to encompass his entire being.
Rodney liked him; it felt incredible.
"Well, I'm glad you feel that way," he replied, knowing he needed to say something so Rodney didn't feel self-conscious about what he'd just said. "I was getting worried that perhaps I had overstepped my welcome with you and I didn't want to do that. I feel comfortable around you too, which is a big deal for me; I'm not so good with most people either. I keep everyone at arms-length as well, it's just who I am; but I like you too and I'm really glad I've met you. I haven't told O'Neill or Elizabeth yet, but I'm definitely coming to Atlantis if they'll let us go."
"Really?" Rodney asked, looking up at him with those incredible blue eyes so full of joy and excitement.
"Yeah, really," John replied, returning the smile with a fond one of his own. Excited McKay was so cute.
"That's so great, I'm so excited you've decided to join us. We're going to get to explore a whole new galaxy, it's going to be incredible," Rodney gushed and John's smile grew.
Fuck this man was beautiful.
"Hey, I heard the IOA guys came back, what did they want?" Sam's voice broke through their moment and they turned to see her approaching with a wide grin on her face.
"Oh, just more of the same," Rodney replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Apparently they didn't understand all the answers the first time. Nothing new there."
"No, not at all," Sam agreed, moving back over to her computer with that grin still in place.
As they moved through the rest of their afternoon John noticed that smile frequently on her face and more than once she looked over towards John and Rodney when they were bantering together and it only grew wider. He didn't know what she found to smile about like that, but he hoped it was the same thing he was smiling about.
Rodney, the guy who had a hard time liking people, really liked him.
XX
John joined them all for dinner that night on what would be Mitchell's last night on base and it was as enjoyable as the previous evening had been. Mitchell moaned a little about how annoying the IOA representatives had been and Sam and Rodney bemoaned their stupidity with him, but Elizabeth seemed to feel that the inspection had gone well and that they seemed to be leaning towards sanctioning the expedition. John really hoped they did, now that he'd been invited along to Atlantis and had decided to go, he didn't want the IOA canning their expedition.
When the meal was over and they were getting up to leave, John approached O'Neill to talk and the man stayed back in the room with him while the others headed out. When they were alone John told him that he accepted his offer to join the expedition as his 2IC and promised to do his upmost to obey any orders the man gave. Truth be told he liked O'Neill and the man didn't seem the kind to give him an order he didn't want to obey, but there was always the possibility.
O'Neill smiled, looking genuinely pleased by his response. "Glad to have you aboard, Major," he said, holding out his hand to shake.
"Thank you, Sir," John replied shaking his hand.
"Now we just have to hope they let us go," O'Neill said, standing up from his chair and heading for the door. "I mean they seem to be leaning in that direction, but who knows what's really going on in their toupe covered heads."
John chuckled at that, "Probably thoughts about which suit combination to wear tomorrow, Sir," he suggested and O'Neill chuckled back.
"They do like their suits don't they? They must have been cold though surely, I'm surprised they weren't covered in icicles as they left," O'Neill commented as he opened the door.
"Maybe when you're already that cold no other ice will stick," John replied and O'Neill laughed louder.
"I didn't think of it that way," he replied, turning his attention to Sam and Rodney who were waiting out in the corridor for them.
"Ready for bed, far too beautiful wife?" he asked.
Sam smiled warmly and slipped an arm through his, "Only if my very handsome husband is coming with me," she replied sweetly.
"You see how she tries to make me feel like I'm not batting a mile above my average, Sheppard? That's a good wife right there," O'Neill said and Sam nudged him with her elbow.
"Yes, Sir," John agreed with a grin and the two of them bid he and Rodney good night before heading off down the corridor.
"A bit adorable, aren't they?" Rodney asked, moving over to stand beside him and watching the pair walk away.
John pushed back the immediate response of, "You mean like you." That wanted to leave his mouth and instead said, "Yeah they are. How long have they been married?"
"A bit over a year," Rodney replied, starting to make his way down the corridor towards their room. "I still remember the day they met, I'd never seen her look at someone like that before. Daniel had never seen Jack look at anyone like her before either and the two of us were throwing each other conspiratorial glances across the table," Rodney remembered with a chuckle. "I'm so happy for her, that she's found someone to love like that, it's what you want for your best friend, right?"
"Yeah, I guess so," John replied, thinking about Lyle who had been his best friend before he'd died.
"Do you have a best friend, John?" Rodney asked curiously.
"Used to, I lost him a little while ago; killed in action," John replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Rodney replied sadly, looking over at him with sympathetic eyes.
"Thanks," John replied, giving him a grateful smile. "It's something you expect when you do a job like ours, doesn't make it any easier though," he admitted. "You said you'd known Sam since childhood didn't you?" he asked, wanting to change the subject.
"Yeah, first grade of elementary school," Rodney replied.
"It must be nice to have a friend you've known that long," John commented, wondering what that would be like.
"It is pretty amazing," Rodney admitted, "We know each other so well, it would be hard to imagine life without her. We even lived and worked together until the SGC approached us to work with them."
"If you've known her for so long, I've got to ask because I'm insanely curious, have you two ever dated?" John asked curiously.
"Oh, no," Rodney replied, shaking his head. "I've always loved her like a sister, the rest of triple J too, that's what we call the other three in our group of friends from back at school. We were each other's prom date and all the rest, but only because we had no interest in going with anyone else and I've played her boyfriend on more than one occasion when someone has tried to hit on her, but that's as far as it's ever gone."
John nodded understandingly, "I went to my prom with a friend too, it was nicer than going on our own."
"It is, isn't it? It's nice to have a friend like that for those sorts of occasions. You should see some of the physics conventions we've attended together, we always have a blast. One time we snuck in a flask and played the "hear a stupid theory take a shot" drinking game. We were so wasted by the end of the presentations we had to go home before we passed out," he finished with a chuckle and John laughed along with him.
They reached their room and Rodney opened the door, letting John in before following him and shutting and it behind them. They took turns in the bathroom, the pilot who'd brought the representatives and military personnel from McMurdo having brought John's things, which he always left packed in his duffel bag, along with him. It was amazing to have a shower and put on clean clothes and brush his teeth, before climbing in to bed. Once he was settled, Rodney asked what music John had in mind for tonight.
"Well, you didn't hear much of Johnny Cash last night, would you like to hear a bit more of the album? It certainly seemed to work for you," John offered.
"Sure, why not," Rodney agreed, lying down on the pillow and getting settled before John started the album and skipped to the second song this time. Rodney didn't fall asleep as quickly as the night before, making it through a few songs before he started to look drowsy.
John watched him drift off, his gaze trained on Rodney's incredible blue eyes until they slid shut.
He watched him for quite a while after, marvelling at how perfectly beautiful and sweet he was, feeling a the emotions and feelings grow stronger within him. He ached to touch him, to hold him, it was such an overpowering urge and it took everything in him not to get up and just go to him. Of course he had never done anything like this and he had no real idea what he wanted to do or why. He was definitely attracted to Rodney and he would love to be inside him, but there was so much more he wanted, he just wasn't very good at knowing what that more was.
Then of course there was one very big hurdle, John didn't even know if Rodney was gay. It usually wasn't hard to tell, but somehow, John just couldn't figure Rodney out. Admittedly he hadn't known him long but it usually didn't take him long either; Rodney was just so complex it was hard to get a reading on him.
None of this stopped him wanting Rodney of course, and when he did finally drift off to sleep it was to dreams about far too beautiful blue eyes, soft, milky skin, deft fingers that could fly over a computer keyboard far too quickly without making a mistake, and that mouth.
What would it feel like to kiss those lips? What would those fingers feel like gliding over his body? In his dreams he saw them together and it was amazing.
XX
So what did we think? Poor John is terribly confused, but he'll work out his feelings eventually. In case it wasn't clear John never married Nancy, she'll turn up later in the story but not as his ex. Next chapter we're off to Atlantis. See you all soon, please let me know what you think :)