ROBERT
The drive to Toledo was agonisingly silent. Jackson doesn't engage when I try to make small talk, so eventually I let it go; but the quiet only gives my thoughts more opportunity to run wild, worrying about what the day could bring for us. Jackson hasn't wanted to spend a second alone with me in the near three weeks he's been here. And as much as I didn't want to let him push me away, I wasn't in a position to fight him on it. He's angry with me. He hasn't forgiven me for lying to him about my separation from his mother. And I've tried to be understanding, to give him time and space, but it seemed to only make things worse.
Surprisingly, Catherine had been the one to talk sense into me. She'd called a couple days ago to check in with Jackson and was surprised to find he hadn't been coming with me to Toledo like she and I had agreed. I could hear Catherine yelling down the line before I had even brought the phone to my ear. She was understandably upset that Jackson wasn't fulfilling his duties on behalf of the Foundation, and my attempts to explain to her that he wasn't exactly making it easy on me only seemed to anger her.
"Oh, for goodness sakes, Robert. Of course, he's cranky, and stubborn, and hateful. He's hurting. He hates me right now for shipping him off to Moline and he hates you for everything that'a happened in recent years. But you are the parent, you are the adult in this situation; at least you're supposed to be." Catherine took a breath, her voice softer, less volatile, "I left him in your care because you are the only person that I trust will look after him the way he needs to be looked after right now. I have had to bear the brunt of his anger for the last few years all on my own, believe me when I say I understand how hard he makes it. But Jackson needs you right now. So, I need you to put on your big boy pants and start acting like his goddamn father."
Her words have lingered in my mind ever since. Catherine's always had this ability of instilling the fear of God in any person she pleased. It was part of what attracted me to her when we first met. And it was exactly what I needed. Because she was right – I had to stop letting Jackson control the situation and start acting like the parent I want to be for him.
And that's what brought us to the here and now, parked outside the Avery Medical Centre. I had told Jackson last night that he would be making the trip to Toledo with me to see the work the Foundation had been doing. He'd tried to put up a fight but eventually, I won out, and come six o'clock this morning my son was seated beside me in the car, grumpy and tired, but present. We haven't spent the day together since his twentieth birthday; it was the last weekend that I spent in Boston with him before everything was shot to hell.
I'm hoping today can be a chance for us to start anew. I don't expect Jackson to forgive and forget, I'm just looking for an opening, I guess. A chance for us to be in each other's lives, to show him why the work I do is important to me. He thinks I stayed here because I fell in love, and while Nora was a huge reason for staying in Moline, working in Toledo was a choice I made long before she came into my life. Hopefully, today gives me the opportunity to show Jackson that.
We spend an hour walking through the hospital as I talk through all the improvements we've made since the Foundation started to give their funding years back. I show Jackson the new operating theatre that's being built, and the equipment we've gotten from other hospitals as part of our way to work around the tight budget small hospitals like this have.
"So many big hospitals in major cities get new equipment before it's needed, because suppliers want the latest tech they have in the field being tested as quickly as possible." I explain, "We have agreements in place with major hospitals in the area, and your mom helped me with getting the Foundation to implement programs like this in rural hospitals all over the country. This way, hospitals like ours can perform elective surgeries to generate more cashflow, and more advanced surgeries than we could before which gives the residents more skills practice."
Jackson looks impressed, I think, "You do a lot here." he says.
"It's not easy, but it's worth it. So many hospitals want to be able to do more, to expand their scope of outreach. But the medical industry is very much a numbers game. And when it's not, it's a political minefield. It's one of the main reasons your mother took on such a big role in the Foundation," Jackson seems confused, but intrigued, and I explain, "Inequity in the access to healthcare for people of colour has always been something that she's been passionate about improving. And she has, somewhat. But dealing with the board and working under Harper … It's hard to fix a broken system when the people in charge benefit so greatly from the status quo."
"Yeah, grandpa's a racist asshole, tell me something I don't already know."
"Watch your language," I say sternly but Jackson just rolls his eyes, "Look, I don't know Harper well enough anymore to say what he is or isn't. But the Harper I knew? The man that raised me, was only ever interested in lining his own pockets; regardless of who got screwed over in the process."
Jackson still won't look at me, so I walk around him and look him in the eye. He seems nervous, almost scared to ask what he does next, "Is that why you left?"
"There are a lot of factors as to why I left. Your mom and I weren't in a good place. And yes, your grandfather was pushing me to take on a role in the Foundation that I wasn't comfortable with. It wasn't an environment that was healthy for me to be in. The work I was doing with the Foundation wasn't what I wanted to do; I never cared for the business side of things, the galas and endless sucking-up to donors for funding. I just wanted to make a difference. To be where I could truly make a change, where I could directly and effectively help people. And I feel like I'm able to do that here, away from all the politics and the money talk – It's simple here, my work is meaningful, and I still get to contribute to the business our family built in a way that makes sense for me."
Jackson has his arms folded over his chest keeping me at a distance, but I press on, "Jackson, I'm not saying that I handled all of this the best way. I get that you're mad at me, and I'm not asking you to just move on from it now that you've seen why I stayed here. I just want a chance for us to try and get to know each other again. I miss my son. Your being here, showing you all of this, is something that I've wanted for so long. Please, do you think there's a way that we can move forward together? That we can, I don't know, heal?"
He stays quiet for a long while, but I finally see his body relax. His shoulders ease and his arms drop to his side, his face opens, and his eyes soften.
"You said you run the skills labs twice a week?" He asks.
I frown, surprised that's what he would ask, but nod in answer.
"Maybe," He trails off, taking a breath, "Maybe I could come with you next time. See you in action."
The smile that takes over feels like it's going to split my face, "I would like that." I answer. A warm sense of hope settles in my heart. It's a very small step forward – but for the first time in years, I feel like there's a real chance at repairing my relationship with my son. And that is worth everything.
APRIL
"Something smells good."
I smile at Kimmie's words, pulling out the baking dish from the oven, "Pasta bake." I tell her.
"Daddy's recipe, with the corned beef?" Alice eyes light up and I nod, setting it down on the stovetop.
I turn to look at them. Alice is watching me intently and Kimmie seems to be ignoring us to text someone, which she knows irritates me to no end.
"Is there any other?" I respond and Alice giggles eagerly.
"Where's mama?" Kimmie asks, finally looking up from her phone. The look on her face tells me she already knows my response.
"On the porch," I say, and she shakes her head in answer like she always does, "Alrighty, I'm out of the house tonight, remember? Nora's going to come and look after you."
"Apey's got a date!" Alice says, giggling again as she shares a look with Kimmie.
"It's not a date." I say.
Kimmie rolls her eyes, "It is so a date. You asked him to hang out with you, at night, and it's just the two of you. That sounds like a date to me."
"Sounds like two friends hanging out together to me." I insist.
"Why's it not a date?" Alice frowns, "Don't you like Jackson?"
I open my mouth, but no words come out. I want to tell her that yes, of course I like Jackson, just in a way that friends like each other. Deep down, I know that's not true though. I think I've had a crush on Jackson since the drive home from Toledo Airport. I don't know what it is about him that I can't seem to shake. He's different with me than when he's with Robert or Nora. I want to believe that it's genuine, that he's choosing to be vulnerable with me because he trusts me; but the last time I felt this way about someone my heart got walked all over. I don't know if I'd survive that a second time.
"You know, I think Nora said she was in the mood to play a board game." I say instead, hoping to distract her, "She should be here any minute, actually. Why don't you go and pick one out?"
It seems to do the trick. An excited smile fills Alice's face, and she nods, scooting off the bar stool and rushing to the living room to pick out a game. Kimmie stares at me, shaking her head, "You so like him."
The alarm on my phone rings softly and I silence it quickly, ignoring Kimmie's comment and the knowing look on her face. I walk out of the kitchen, but not before hearing Kimmie yell, "Remember, no getting to second base before the third date!"
"Shut up!" I yell back, making my way up the stairs.
By the time Nora arrives, I'm sitting with Alice in the living room helping her with her homework. Kimmie still hasn't come out of her room, and I doubt she will until I've left. When she's in this mood, she hates being around me. She worries I'll try and push a conversation on her that she doesn't want to have, and honestly, I can't say that I wouldn't try. I find it better to leave her be knowing that Nora will try to talk to her later. She usually has better luck with these things than I do.
When Alice hears the front door open, she's up instantly and rushing to Nora. I follow behind and when I come into the entryway Alice's little arms are wrapped tightly around Nora's waist. Nora smiles down at her as she brushes her fingers through Alice's wavy hair. Jackson and Robert stand on the front porch in quiet conversation.
"Hi, lovebug. How're you doing?" Nora asks.
"Good," Alice smiles, "I picked boggle for us to play tonight."
"Oh, Robert is terrible at boggle, so that sounds like a fun night for us." Nora says, winking at Alice, "Why don't you go finish your homework while I talk to your sister?" Alice nods and heads back into the living room.
Nora looks me up and down, her eyes filled with concern.
"What, do I look that rough?" I chuckle, nervously combing my fingers through my hair.
"No, you look beautiful. You seem nervous though." She says softly, glancing at my outfit again and I play self-consciously with the layers of the skirt.
I'm wearing a light pink, long-sleeved dress. The skirt is ruffled and stops mid-calf, my boots peeking out from underneath. I've got a cropped leather jacket on top that I pulled out from the depths of my closet, a gift from Libby for my birthday a few years back that I haven't had the chance to wear.
"I look okay?" I ask.
"Beautiful." She repeats, whispering, "And clearly I'm not the only one who thinks so." Nora smirks and when we look behind her, Jackson's looking me up and down. His eyes meet mine and he smiles sheepishly.
Robert walks inside and gives me a quick hug, "Have him home before midnight." He teases, Jackson and I both rolling our eyes. I grab my keys from the hook by the door and head out.
"Have fun!" Kimmie sing-songs.
Jackson just looks amused by it all as he stands before me. He's wearing dark jeans and a grey long-sleeve Ralph Lauren polo, with a long navy coat over the top. He looks good, he always does, but there's a feeling of careful consideration and effort that's gone into his outfit tonight and it makes me feel better to know that maybe I wasn't the only one sitting in my bedroom stressing over how to dress. I've had butterflies in my stomach all day, and their intensity grows tenfold as I take him in.
Jackson's voice pulls me from my spiral, "Shall we?" he asks, leaning forward and holding out his bent arm to me.
I roll my eyes at his silliness but loop my arm through his anyways as we walk down to the car. Jackson walks me to my door before rushing around to the passenger side. He smiles at me once he gets in, and as I'm pulling out of the driveway he tells me, "You look pretty tonight."
"Just tonight?" I quip, throwing the car into drive and heading down the dusty pathway.
I can feel Jackson's eyes staring at me as he says, "Oh you look good every time I see you. But I am very much enjoying the look of this dress; got some killer legs, Kepner."
My cheeks heat in an instant, and I don't have to look at Jackson to know there's a proud smirk on his face.
JACKSON
I'm glad to be out of the house, and happier to spend time with April. Visiting the Medical Centre with Robert this morning was overwhelming in a way I hadn't expected. I've yet to decide if that's a good thing or not.
The wind as we drive is comforting. In a way, it reminds me of home – of the chill that sweeps through me every time a gust of air blows through the city. April and I have fallen into a routine in that way. She doesn't let anyone else drive Bert, so I always ride shotgun, crank the window down, close my eyes and let the harsh breeze dull my thoughts while I listen to the comforting hum of April's voice. I can tell she's worried, but she doesn't push me to talk to her. That's another thing I've learned about her – April can hold a conversation with herself for hours on end, but she seems to always be able to sense when I need the quiet and she'll simply drive through town humming along to whatever song plays on the radio.
We stopped in town, 'to get supplies' April told me. I trailed alongside her as we went into the grocery store and April grabbed a bunch of different candies and soda, her arms loaded up with treats.
"You've got a real sweet tooth, huh?" I asked.
April simply shrugged in reply and said, "I know what I like."
The way she looked at me when she said it made me think there was a double meaning to her words.
April paid and I took the bag from the cashier before she had the chance to. She tried to look annoyed, but the smile on her face was betraying. Nearly every person we passed by said hello to April and she greeted them each back by name. She stopped and chatted with an older man, asking him how his kids are, how business is going, and she promised to drop off some food to him and his wife during the week. People in town seem to know April and her family well, and they care for her greatly. In a way, it reminds me of how I'm treated back home. It's like the name Kepner is to Moline, what the name Avery is to Boston. Her name carries a certain standing in their small town – one that's grown out of respect instead of financial status.
When we had gotten back into the truck I joked, "I'm surprised you weren't stopped to sign autographs."
April rolled her eyes and said, "My dad was well-known, he did a lot of things for the community. I guess people are nice because of it."
There was a sad tinge to her voice and I don't push the subject further. I know that her dad passed away a few years ago, but nothing else. Neither of us seem to like talking about our fathers, though I suspect April's reasons are far different than mine. We had driven the rest of the way in silence, but somewhere along the journey I had reached out and placed my hand on the seat between us. April lay her hand atop mine and we drove in comfortable silence.
We're laying on a picnic blanket in the grass now, just off the paved walkway that leads to the lighthouse at Waterworks Park. We sit beside each other, my eyes on April as she focuses on the water. She looks so content, her whole body relaxes as she breathes in deeply; like she's finally at peace.
"So, I know Moline doesn't have much to offer, but I thought you might like this." April says.
I nod, "It's nice."
"This is my favourite place, ever. My family used to come out here on the weekends, and we always had the best time. I used to love standing at the water's edge and looking out. "She smiles out at the water, "This is where I feel safest in the world."
"And you're sharing it with me?" I ask.
When she turns to look at me, I can see the vulnerability in her eyes, "We all need somewhere to feel safe," She pauses, before explaining, "I love watching the sunset, it's so beautiful. Calming. It's nice to just sit in the stillness sometimes – I thought after today, you might like some peace and quiet to just … be."
My heart swells in my chest. I don't think anyone has ever done something so sweet for me before.
"I've never brought anyone here. I mean, other than my family. You're the only person I've ever brought with me." April says softly.
"Ah, so I'm special." I try to joke.
April looks at me reverently, her tone growing more serious as she says, "You are, Jackson."
I act before I think, leaning over as I whisper, "thank you," and kiss her cheek.
I had intended it to be a chaste kiss, one that showed my appreciation of her and the effort she's made to make me feel comfortable in Moline, and with Robert; but I linger against her soft skin for a moment too long and I hear April inhale sharply. When I pull away, I can see the familiar blush come over her face. She looks surprised, maybe a little nervous, possibly uncomfortable? It's hard to read her in moments like these.
I don't know how she feels about me, but I know that I like her. I don't know when that happened – the more that I got to know her and be her friend, the more I fell for her without ever really meaning to. It seems like it happened so quickly but, knowing how much this place means to her, and that she's choosing to share it with me; it only strengthens the feelings that I've developed for her. April's different to any girl I've ever been with. She doesn't care about how much money is in my bank account, or how I can help her elevate her own status. She listens to me, she really hears me and what's more is she doesn't judge me. I've spent so long being told to just be grateful for all that I have - I like that April just lets me feel whatever I'm feeling, without trying to make me feel guilty for it. I feel most like myself when I'm with her.
My eyes meet hers again and I say, "No one's ever done something so meaningful for me, April."
She grins proudly and rests her head against my shoulder as we stare out at the water. Sitting here in the peacefulness of the evening I feel lighter, happier than I've felt in a long time, and for a moment I find myself wishing that I could stay in this moment with April forever. I don't know that I've ever felt safer with someone in my life.
…
The sun begins to set, and April's moved to lay down on the rug and watch the sky change from a bright blue to hues of pink and orange while we play twenty questions. Her hand is on my calf as I sit Indian-style next to her. Her touch is warm and comforting and my entire body feels tingly. I like the way she feels.
"Hmm, when was your first kiss?" I ask.
"I was twelve. Bobby, under the table at morning tea after Church. He pinched my arm after and said if I told anyone I was dead meat." She chuckles, "Same question for you."
"My eighth birthday, from my crush Jenny. She wanted to give me a birthday present." I explain.
"Awww, how sweet." April gushes, "What was your last birthday like?"
I smile wide, already picturing it in my head, "My friends and I went skydiving."
Her eyes widen and she strains her head up to look at me, "You did what?"
I laugh at the shocked look on her face, "Yeah. It's so much fun, the adrenaline rush is insane. I went the first time for my eighteenth birthday, and I've gone every couple of months since. Maybe one day, I'll take you with me."
"Oh no, no, no," she says shaking her head, "There's not enough money in the world. No way."
"Come on, April. Don't knock it til' you try it." I whine.
"Nope. I prefer to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground at all times. Sorry." She says.
I make a show of looking down her body to her feet, the pointed toe of her boots facing up to the sky. April grumbles and exaggeratedly uncrosses her legs and bends her knees, so her feet are flat on the floor again. I shake my head at her antics, and she bursts into laughter. I love that sound.
"That's my twenty," she says breathlessly, "Last question, Avery."
I sit and contemplate for a moment before sitting up on my knees and leaning over her slightly, saying, "Ooh okay, I got one. So, if you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?"
April gives me a look, as if to ask where that came from, "I read it in the New York Times." I say, recalling the '36 questions that lead to love' article from a few years ago. I don't tell her that, I have no idea what her reaction would be.
"Hmm. I'm gonna go with mind." she says.
"No freakin' way, I want the body. Catch me at ninety-years-old still jumping out of a plane." I joke and April rolls her eyes at me.
"I don't know. I'd rather be on my deathbed with every single memory of my life, good and bad. What good is living if you can't remember the time you spent with the people who mattered to you the most?" She says, "I want to remember it all. Moments like this are what makes life worth living."
"You make a good point." I admit.
April grins and says, "I always do."
I reach out and pinch her side, enjoying the way she squirms away from my touch, "No one likes a know-it-all, April."
"Can't help it if I'm smarter than you, Jackson." April shrugs, trying to stifle a laugh.
"Oh, you think you're so funny, huh?" I mutter.
I move quickly, before April can muster up another cheeky reply. I throw one leg over hers, hovering over as my hands grab her sides. My fingers move frantically, digging into her soft skin and April shrieks as I tickle her. Her legs kick underneath me and she yells my name over and over, begging me to stop, but I don't. I love hearing her laugh. I love seeing the smile on her face in this moment.
"Still think you're all that, huh?" I ask, fingers pressing against her ribs.
"It's not ... my fault ... I'm so int-intelligent, Jackson." April says breathlessly between giggles, "You should know ... by now ... I'm rarely ever wrong."
Somewhere between my tickle-assault and April tearing up in laughter, the atmosphere shifts around us. My hands slow, then stop moving against her, resting comfortably against the slope of her hips. April's hands are firmly holding onto my upper arms. The noise around us seems to fade away, ignoring the other people scattered around the park.
My eyes are focused on hers and it feels like the entire world slows down. Like we're the only two people there. April's lips are pink and glossy, and I can't help but wonder how soft they would feel against mine. Her skin is warm and glowing, her eyes drop to my mouth and come back up. She's breathing heavily, I can feel her chest moving against mine and I'm suddenly aware of how close I've come into her. I want her.
"April." I say.
"Jackson." she repeats softly.
I can hear the nerves in my voice as I tell her, "I ... I really want to kiss you right now."
"Please." she says, and her hand comes behind my neck and pulls me down to her before I can make a move.
She tastes of candy, fruity and delicate. The slight stickiness of the lip gloss she was wearing held our lips together longer and I revel in the softness of her skin against mine. Her hand against my neck sends tingles down my spine, rushing through my body. I can only imagine it's what it feels like to be struck by lightning.
April pulls away slowly, still holding me. "Wow." she whispers breathlessly.
The smile on my face is so wide my cheeks hurt, "Yeah." I say, "Wow."
April's smile matches mine, her hand moving from my neck to my cheek. I lean into her touch as she brushes over my brow bone with her thumb. It's a comforting feeling, sweet and intimate all once. I lean in again, placing another kiss against her lips. Kissing April is different to any other kiss I've shared before. I can feel myself quickly getting lost in the feel of her. Her free hand tugs on my shirt, pulling our bodies as close together as she can, and I press my weight further into her. As April's lips press more insistently against mine, all I can think is that with her, I could fall. Hard.