Once my breathing was under control, I looked up at her. She grabbed the sides of my face gently in her hands and kissed my forehead.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm alright." I said, kissing her cheek and stepping back from her.
"Are you hurting bad?"
"It's manageable." I said walking towards the door. I desperately needed a smoke.
"Amelia." She said, following me. "Wait."
Once I was outside I sat on top of the picnic table. She came out right behind me and sat next to me.
"Want a smoke?" I asked, tilting my pack to her.
"Sure. You gonna tell me what happened last night?"
"Just a car accident. I must have closed my eyes and next thing I knew I was hitting the barrier."
"You've got to stop with the midnight joyrides baby."
"Yeah. I know."
We sat in silence after that. I was leaning on her shoulder with her arm around me just like Jax had done. We finished off our smokes and just sat. I was looking off thinking about what happened. I had never lied to my mother before today. I hated this. Gemma was looking down at me. I could feel her wheels turning without even looking at her.
"You keep thinkin' so hard your head's gonna explode." I said with a smile.
"Don't be such a smartass."
"Where do you think I get it from?"
"Your father."
"Ha, okay." I turned to look at her. "What's on your mind?"
She looked so sad. I hated to see her sad.
"Why did you have that panic attack? You haven't had one since you were little. I was beginning to think you weren't afraid of anything."
"I'm afraid of somethings." I said, giving her a sad smile, looking down at my hands.
She put her hand under my chin to make me look at her. "What are you afraid of, baby?"
"Nothing. It's stupid." I shook my head and looked away again.
"If it scares you then it isn't stupid. You know, I'm afraid of somethings too."
I look up at her confused. "Are you kidding? The badass biker queen, Gemma Teller Morrow, afraid? Never."
She moved a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I'm afraid of my babies hurting. I'm afraid of something happening to your father or the club. I'm afraid of losing the people I love."
"You will never lose us momma. We all love you too much. And we watch each other's backs. Nothing else is going to happen to any of us. I promise."
"It's the life, baby. Bad shit happens. The important thing is that we take care of each other."
"You're right. We have to protect each other. Believe it or not, that's what I'm doing."
"What do you mean? Who are you protecting? And from what?"
"I'm protecting you. The club. That's what we do right? Protect the club."
"Yes, but it's not your job to protect me. It's mine to protect you. I'm your mother, remember? Not the other way around."
"You may be my mother, but I always protect you. Trust me on this one okay?" I didn't even give her time to respond. I hated lying to her and I knew she would never stop asking.
I got up and walked back into the clubhouse and went up to Jax.
"Hey, can you take me home? I gotta get out of here."
"Yeah, give me a minute to check on Bobby first."
"Alright. Thanks."
He walked across the room to see Bobby. I leaned up against the bar and Chucky walked over to me. He was something else.
"Hey Millie. Can I get you a drink?"
"I don't know, can you?" His face fell and I felt bad for being bitchy to him. "I'm sorry Chucky. I'm just in a bad mood. Vodka on the rocks would be fantastic."
His face lit up. "You got it." He rushed off to make my drink on the other side of the bar.
"Can I ask you something?" He said when he came back.
"What is it?"
"Is everything okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you okay? You seem a little on edge."
"I'm fine Chucky."
"Okay, but if you're ever not fine, I'm here."
"Shit is about to hit the fan in this town and the club is at the center of it." I said, looking around at my boys. "Why are you so nice to me?"
"Because you're nice to me."
"Bullshit. I'm a bitch and we both know it. Don't lie to me."
"Because… because you and Gemma are the only ones around here that don't treat me like a joke."
"You're not a joke Chucky." I said, kissing his cheek. "You're a friend and a decent guy. There aren't many of those left in the world."
"You ready Millie?" Jax said, coming up to us.
"Yeah. Bye Chucky." Jax followed me out the door to his bike "Bobby okay?"
"Yeah, he's alright." He got on the bike and handed me a helmet. "You goin' to mom's place or Tig's?"
"Moms. I just want to crawl into my own bed and relax."
"You? Relax?"
"I know I'm not one for it, but right now I think I need it."
"Yeah. I think we all need it right now."
"You have no idea." I said, getting on the back of his bike.
He drove me to the house and offered to walk me up, but I told him to go home and be with his son. I walked in the house and locked the door. God did I need a drink. I put my purse down on the dining room table and took out my smokes. My parents didn't;t care if I smoked in the house since they did too. I looked in my pack and noticed I didn't have any joints left, so I went and grabbed one from my mother's dresser.
After lighting it I went into my room to change into my pajamas. I put on my black lace short shorts and white SAMCRO tank top that had been turned into a crop top. I knew my parents wouldn't be home for a while, if at all, so they wouldn't see my bruises.
I went back downstairs and bumped my joint into the ashtray before turning some music on through the speakers. I was dancing around the kitchen in search of wine. I found an unopened bottle of Moscato and didn't even bother with a glass. I was dancing around the dining room, kitchen, and living room smoking three joints and drinking the entire bottle of wine.
I was listening to a hits playlist from the 2000s. I ended up smoking two cigarettes by the time I was crossed enough to go upstairs before I was on my ass. By the time I got to my bed I heard the door open and my mother's heels click across the floor. I threw on my sweatshirt and sweatpants so they wouldn't see anything.
I crawled into my bed just as I was passing out. I hoped that I had drank and smoked enough so I wouldn't dream