Chapter 48: A Character by Any Other Name is Just as Sweet

It was raining.

Today was a rainy day.

Green Bean commuted to school on the train today. It was super packed as usual, but he had to get to where he had to go. And where he had to go was school. So he was scrunched up on the train, holding the overhead railing with one hand, and holding his phone with the other. He was reading up on the news headlines from the day before. "Turbo Legs remembered in a citywide memorial." He sighed.

Yesterday night, he had read the news about the death of Engine Legs' big brother, the hero Turbo Legs. He didn't know how he was going to bring up the topic to his friend, but he wanted to offer his condolences as soon as he saw him.

Green Boy scrolled up on his news feed. "Boy stops toilet paper thief. Huh, he kinda looks like Prince Icy Hot."

Someone behind him whispered, "Isn't that Super Fingers?"

"Yeah, it is," replied another person.

Super Fingers? Green Bean thought, as he looked up and looked around. A hero I don't know about?

But the guy standing to his left nudged him and asked, "Hey, you're Super Fingers, aren't you? The kid who can generate wind from his fingers. You fought in the Super Sexy UH Battle Royal Tournament Supreme."

With a straight face, Green Boi said, "No. That's not my quirk."

But everyone else on the train started calling him Super Fingers, and telling him how cool his battle was during the UH Sports festival, so he just let it go.

But as he was walking to school, shielding himself from the rain with his umbrella, he muttered, "Super Fingers? What the fuck?"

Suddenly, he heard a pair of footsteps running toward him. He turned around to see a pair of super thick calves zooming past him, running toward the school gates of UH. "E-engine Legs?" Green Bean mumbled.

It was Engine Legs. The two met again at the school shoe locker. The blue-haired mecha-calf boy was pulling off his rainboots. Green Bean was shaking off his umbrella. He wanted to say something. He should say something. So he said, "Um, Good morning Engine Legs-kun. Or I guess it's not a good morning because your brother died."

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

That's not what he meant to say.

But Engine Legs took it kindly. "Unfortunately, my brother did meet his untimely demise." From the look of the forced smile on his face, Green Boi could tell that his friend was in a lot of pain. "But, he died in the line of duty as a hero, so I'm very proud."

Green Boi didn't know how to respond. So he just nodded and gave his friend a sad smile. The two walked down the hall to the classroom in silence. That is, until they met Blushy halfway. She saw them both and waved. "Hi! Good morning!" She clapped her hands as she met up with them. "Although I guess it's probably a really shitty morning for you Engine Legs, since your brother died."

The look of sheer panic that enveloped her face after she said that, made Green Boi realize that the two of them were basically the same person. Once again, Engine Legs took the comment kindly. "Thank you for your kindness, Floaty Girl-chan. I'm so glad I have friends like you and Bean Child-kun."

Both her and Green Bean teared up a little. They hugged Engine Legs.

Then they walked toward their classroom. As they entered the door, Blushy said, "I don't know why you're even at school. If I had a brother that died, I'd just stay home and mope all day for a couple weeks."

"Blushy, stop," begged Green Boi as they took their seats.

The other kids were already in class, talking about how their mini-holiday from school was. Zap-kun said, "People recognized me from the broadcast. People kept telling me that my quirk was so cool!"

"Same!" Pink Acid Girl agreed. "People really liked me! It's so exciting!"

Tape Elbows sighed. "People kept telling me that I'll have better luck next time."

Just to tease him, Ribbit Girl said, "Better luck next time."

"Ugh!" he groaned.

Grape Shit took a breath, as if he was about to add to the conversation. But everyone glared at him. So he didn't speak.

Earphone Jack Girl grumbled, "I hope that piece of shit didn't think he was part of the conversation." Then she looked up and noticed that Engine Legs was siting in his seat. She winced, "Hey, guys, should we say something to Engine Legs? His brother just died."

"Really?" exclaimed Red Boi. "What happened?"

Tape Boi asked, "You didn't hear the news? His brother, the Ultra Hero Turbo Legs, was killed by a villain in Crime Infested Japanese City."

Zap Kid sighed. "I want to offer him words of encouragement, but what can I say?"

Grape Shit took a breath, as if he was about to speak. But they all gave him death stares. He didn't speak.

Frog Girl said, "Let's just tell him that we're here for him if he needs someone to rely on. Ribbit."

So they agreed on that. They all got up, and like a loving mob, they surrounded Engine Legs. "Hey, Engine Legs-kun, we heard about the news," Frog Girl said, speaking for the group. "We're sorry for your loss and we're all here if you need someone to rely on."

Engine Legs, who hadn't been expecting something like this, looked at all his classmates. He felt so touched. He smiled and nodded. "Thank you."

Meanwhile, Blushy and Greenie mentally kicked themselves for not thinking of such cool, comforting words to say.

Anyway, two seconds later, Ninja-sensei walked into the room. Without skipping a beat, he announced, "Alright you little shits, we're picking hero names today. So sit down and shut up and let me take attendance for class."

Froakie raised her hand.

"Yes, Frog Girl-chan?"

"Your bandages are gone. Ribbit."

Ninja sensei touched his non-mummified face. "Yeah, I healed up."

"I'm glad."

You know, he really needed to hear that today. That made his day a little brighter. "Thank you," he said as he cracked a little bit of a smile.

Blushy and Green Bean both slammed their heads on their desks as they thought, I want to be like her!

After taking attendance, Ninja-sensei explained, "Alright, so you little shits were supposed to do your best at the Super Sexy Sports Festival so you could get scouted by hero agencies. After the Festival, hero agencies contacted the school to extend offers to you guys for internships. Here are the results."

He pressed a button on a little remote, and a projector projected a bar graph on the board depicting the number of offers each student received. In first place was Prince Hot-and-Cold. "It-it, it's over 9000!" shouted the class in unison, gawking at the Prince's amount of offers.

In second place was Explodochan with just over 8000 offers. Everyone else had about twenty offers. Except Green Boi. He had zero.

"What the fuck?" Green Boi exclaimed.

"Don't worry Bean Child-kun. We'll place you in an internship. We always reserve backup slots in case someone doesn't get scouted."

Greenie hung his head low and started to cry. "No way! I thought if nothing else, I'd get an offer from the Moe Kawaii Cutie Agency. I'm super cute! I can't believe they didn't want me…"

"We can talk about the reasons why you didn't get offers during our one-on-one coaching session, Bean Child-kun. But for right now I want all of you to focus on making hero names. Unfortunately, I suck at making names, so I asked—"

"HEY SEXY PEOPLE!" shouted a special sexy someone as she thrust open the classroom door and walked her sexy ass inside.

Ninja Sensei sighed.

"I'm here to help you create some super sexy, badass, and or cute names for your hero personas!"

"And the only advice I'll give you little shits," continued Ninja Sensei, "is to make sure you would be fine with the name in the future. Just in case it sticks. Sometimes you pick a name when you're young, and then in five years, you'll realize you hate it. But you're stuck with it." That advice sounded a bit personal.

Ninja Sensei grabbed his sleeping bag from under the desk. "Good luck. I'll be on break." He crawled into his sleeping bag, and inched to the corner of the room, like a caterpillar, so he could sleep.

"What a weird man," everyone in the classroom said in unison.

Sexy-Sensei started handing out markers and sheets of paper so that people could write their hero name ideas on it, and present it to the class. "Remember kids, pick a name that's super sexy! Think about your quirk. This about your personality. Think about the image you want to present to the world. A name is more than just a title by which people address you. It's a symbol of who you are. It's a part of your identity. So think about who you want to be. Then create your name. You have ten sexy minutes to think about it. Don't talk to your classmates. Just think about it yourself. Okay?"

She set her timer on her sexy phone.

…

Ten sexy minutes later, Ninja-sensei was fast asleep.

Sensual Seductress-sensei said, "Times up! Who's first? Come to the podium and present your name."

Honey Sweet Laser Belly stood up. The whole class looked at this brave soul who would be the first to present. They all watched in anticipation as he and his trail of glitter sparkles sashayed to the podium. He smiled his Honey Sweet Smile (™). He slowly lifted up his piece of paper. "I will be Elemental Hero Super Shining Miraculous Grace!"

The entire class repeated, "Elemental Hero Super Shining Miraculous Grace?"

"I LOVE IT!" Sensual woman said!

"YOU DO?" the entire class exclaimed.

After such a weird name, the rest of the class wasn't so nervous to present. Pinky the Acid Girl held up her paper. "Alright, so, I think I'm gonna go with: The Basic Hero: Acideisha."

"Ooo, sounds ethnic," Sadist Lady said. "That's sexy. I love it."

Next was Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl. "Ribbit. My name will be Froakie. I really like that name. Everyone can go ahead and start calling me that. Ribbit."

Everyone's hearts filled with delight at the sound of that beautiful hero name that fit her so perfectly. They all started cheering for her. "Froakie! Froakie! Froakie!"

Blushy shouted, "I love you so much!"

"Thanks everyone." Froakie went back to her seat.

Next was Everyone's Favorite Red Head. He held up his paper at the podium. "I'll be the Rock Hard Hero: Red Hard Chili Pepper!"

"Ah~~!" squealed Sexy-sensei. "You almost made me cum with that one. I love it."

"Ew," mumbled Blushy.

But the Rock Hard Red Head was happy with her praise.

Headphone Girl was next. "The Acoustic Hero: Symphony Beats."

"Yes! Yes!" Sexy-sensei moaned.

"Please stop," Blushy said, in all seriousness. "Nasty bitch."

Next was Six Arms. "I'll be the Multiplex Hero: Tentacruel."

"Oooo, I love tentacles," Sexy-sensei said with a wink.

Elbow Tape Dude said, "The Duct Tape Hero: Sticky Situation!"

"Perfect!" Sexy-sensei praised. "You kids are great at this!"

"The Thick Tail Hero: Chokehold!" said Martial Arts Kid as he glared at Explochan. He was still holding a grudge against Blast Boi from the time he told him to go choke on dick. Sexy-sensei didn't know about that incident, but she did know a thing or two about choking. "Oh I love being choked! Good one!"

Sugar Daddy said, "The Sweets Hero: Willy Wonka!"

Sexy Lady laughed. "I love the reference!"

"Of course I'd be dumb not to go with Static Shock," Pikachu Dude said.

"Again I love the reference!"

Invisible Girl stood on stage. "Now you see me, now you don't! From the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances—The Missing Hero: Miss Appear! Don't hit me with your car!"

Sexy-sensei leaned her head back and made an erotic face. "Ah! I love all these references!"

Blushy turned to Green Boi. "I'm gonna throw my textbook at her." That's when she noticed Green Bean hadn't come up with a name yet. His paper was blank. "Greenie, you can't think of a name?"

He awkwardly laughed. "Um…no…it's hard. I keep thinking of dumb names."

"They're probably not dumb. What names are you thinking of?"

"Haha, don't laugh…"

"Tell me!" she insisted.

"Um…All American Jr., or Super American Boy, or Blonde Kid America…"

Blushy didn't laugh. She actually thought it was sad. "Green Boi. Hop off All American's dick," she straight up told him.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No, seriously. Be yourself."

"This is myself. I want to be him."

"Jesus…"

Anyway, it was Titty Girl's turn. Titty Girl said, "My name shall be Creatititties."

"Create-it-titties," Blushy repeated to herself. "Creatitititties. Oh that's really good."

Sexy Lady grabbed Creatitititties's hands and shook them. She was in tears. "I love it. Bravo! Amazing! A masterpiece."

Green Boi muttered, "Godammit, that's a really good one." Now he was getting intimidated. He had to pick a name! But how could he compete with hero names like Sticky Situation, Chokehold, Symphony Beats, or Creatitittties?

The Prince made him feel less intimidated, though. He said, "I'll call myself Halfie."

"That's just your first name," Sexy Lady replied. "Don't you want something more interesting?"

"No."

She expected him to explain why, so she just looked at him. He didn't explain why. So she asked, "Why?"

He shrugged.

She didn't like that answer. But she also felt super awkward and unsexy around him, so she didn't want to argue. "…Okay? Um, who's next?"

Bird Guy's turn. He stood at the podium and presented his name. "The Darkness Hero: Deepest Oblivion."

Sensual Sadist Lady started to feel sexy again. "Oh, yes, yes, yes, I love it! It sounds sadistic!"

"The Grape Juice Hero: Grapel," said you know who.

"Meh," critiqued the teacher.

Grape Baby cried grape-flavored tears as he walked away with such a mediocre judgement of his name. Meanwhile, another student approached the podium. As the character that gets probably the least screen time in the class, +Anima wanted to come up with a really, really good name that would get a lot of praise from his classmates. Any moment of spotlight, he had to savor it. After all, he was basically a seat filler. No one watches Hero School +Ultra to see his character. No one writes fanfictions starring him. He was just a number, a body to fill out the twenty seats in the class. But he thought really long and hard about his name. He couldn't wait to blow everyone away with his clever wordplay.

When he reached the podium, he took a deep breath. He put on a brave face. He slowly lifted up his piece of paper to display his hero name.

But Explochan pushed him out of the way. "Move Shitface," he roared at the innocent student as he held up his little sign and shouted out his hero name, "KING EXPLOSION MURDER."

"Is that canon?!" everyone else screamed.

Slutty Bitch Teacher raised an eyebrow. "Yeah you actually said that in the anime. But… since it fits so perfectly in this fanfiction, I'll let you have it." She clapped her hands. "KING EXPLOSION MURDER!" She started to fawn. "It sounds so evil! It sounds like a villain. It sounds so sexy. Are you gonna explode all over me?"

"I'll blow you to pieces!" he shouted at her.

"Ah!" she moaned. "I'll blow you first~!"

Blushy threw her textbook at her. It donked her on the head and she staggered back, slightly disoriented. "Who threw that?" she asked, looking around the classroom. But instead of claiming responsibility, Blushy stood up, holding her sign close to her chest as she headed toward the podium. Bravely, she pushed Explochan aside, and held up her sign for the whole class to see. "I'll be the Anti-Gravity Hero: Zero G!"

Explochan shoved her back with an almighty push. "Why don't you be the Airhead Bitch Hero: Weightless Floaty Bimbo?"

"Can you fuck off!?" she shouted back at him. "That's why nobody likes you! Why do you even want to be a hero? Your name sounds like a villain name and you act like a villain! Go join the super villain club!"

Explochan got so angry.

He got so damn angry that he felt super mega angry. Why was it that this stupid girl made him angry like this? Why is it that everyone made him angry like this? He sparked a little bomb in his palms. But he clenched his fist. He couldn't just hit people he didn't like. That's what his mom did, and that's why she was in jail right now, waiting to see if the man she (rightfully) beat up would press charges on her. If he did, then she'd officially be registered as a villain in the city registry.

How could he be a hero if his mom was a villain?

How could he be a hero if he was a villain?

Reality really hit him when he read the stupid article that had been published about him the day after the Super Sexy Sports Festival. It really hit him after he read a bunch of posts criticizing him on social media. It really hit him when he saw people making fun of him in memes on the internet.

People had said he was too violent.

People had said he was too foul-mouthed.

People had said he was too aggressive, and too vicious, and too scary.

People had said he was unfit to be a hero.

People had said he was too rough during his fight with Blushy. People had said that it was a shame he had to be restrained on the podium. People said he was disgusting for him to be threatening his classmates and teachers.

People said he was disgusting.

People really didn't like him.

People genuinely didn't like Explochan.

And he had always known that. In the back of his mind, he knew it. Two weeks ago, if some had asked him "Do people like you?" He would have answered, "No bitch. Fuck off."

So he knew it.

But then… why did it hurt so bad all of a sudden?

Why did it fill him up with high anger? Why did it make his eyes wet? He didn't like feeling that high, wet anger. He didn't like that he had broken down in tears in front of his mom after realizing how much people disliked him. He didn't like that his tears made his mom go do something as stupid as assault the man who had written a harsh review article about him.

So now his mom was in jail, he was being insulted by the human being he least respected in the world, and he was about to cry. But he didn't want to become the class crybaby. That was Green Bean's job. So he held back all his anger and marched back to his seat. Lowering his head, he tightly clenched both of his fists. He desperately wanted to blow something up. He wanted to explode.

That is, until a hand touched his shoulder. He turned around to see Green Bean sitting behind him. With a bright smile, Green Boi assured him, "Don't worry about your Mom, okay? She'll be fine. I promise."

Why could this little fucker read his mind? Why could this cute little Green Bean Bitch make his heart skip a beat? Why was he able to calm him down with just a couple of words? Why was Green Bean glowing so brightly? Why did Explochan reply, "Shut the fuck up," when he really wanted to say, "Thanks."

Why was everything suddenly so difficult?

He laid his head on his desk and covered his face with his forearms.

Fuck emotions.

Funny thing is that he wasn't the only one in the classroom thinking that. He wasn't the only boi in the classroom reckoning with very intense, very new emotions. Glasses Boi Engine Calves had been struggling in his mind, trying to process everything that he was feeling.

First of all, there was the shock. The pure, utter shock.

His brother was dead.

Big Brother Engine Legs was dead.

But throughout entire day before, for some strange reason, Glasses Guy expected his big brother to call him to talk about the results of the Super Sexy Sports Festival. Although he had seen his brother's dead, lifeless body laying in the morgue, Engine Legs had a small sliver of hope that his brother would call him on his cellphone to congratulate him on his achievements and give him helpful criticism towards future success.

Because that's what his brother was supposed to do.

His brother wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't supposed to lose to a villain.

Good wins. Evil loses.

Right?

How could my brother die? How could my big brother die? Engine Legs kept thinking.

Engine Legs' brother was a strong hero! Not the strongest in the world like Super-God Tier Blonde Superman. But Turbo Legs was a top-tier hero.

So… how did he lose?

How did he lose?

How could he have possibly lost?

No, Big Brother Engine Legs didn't lose. He couldn't have been killed.

But…but his body was in the morgue. His body was cold, lifeless.

Dead.

Turbo Legs was dead.

Glasses Guy had touched his big brother's cold hands and cried.

Turbo Legs was dead.

Someone had killed him.

A villain had killed him.

I'll kill him. The villain that killed my brother, I'll kill him.

Glasses Guy remembered the day of the Super Sexy Battle Royal Supreme Tournament. He had called his brother. He had wanted to hear his brother's voice.

Now he couldn't.

Now he'd never hear his brother's voice again.

Maybe Blushy was right. Maybe he should have stayed home and moped today. Because he felt so broken. Everything hurt. He was both paralyzed and energized. He wanted to do everything and do nothing all at the same time.

He wanted to hug his brother.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't hug his brother.

His brother was dead.

"Glasses Guy," he said, presenting his hero name.

Wait, when had he stood up? When had he walked toward the podium?

"It's just your first name," Sexual Sadist Sensei replied. "Are you sure?"

Glasses Guy nodded.

He was on autopilot.

He felt so numb.

He felt so angry.

He felt so sad.

He felt so, so, so sad.

Maybe he should just go home.

He started walking toward his desk, but Sexual Sensei pulled him aside. Quietly, she told him, "If this is too much for you, you can go home."

He shrugged her aside. "I'm fine."

She looked really concerned. But she allowed him to return to his desk.

…

Ninja-sensei was still asleep.

Sexy-sensei raised her arms above her head and stretched. "This is going very smoothly! You're all coming up with great names!" She shot a glare at Green Bean. "Bean Child-kun, you're last. That means your name has to be extra sexy, so we can finish on a good note." She saw Green Boi tense, as if the pressure he was under tripled. She liked teasing him, but she also knew that her job as a teacher was to encourage him. So she said, "Just kidding! Come on and show us what you've got."

He nodded. He stood up. He was about to walk toward the podium. But Explochan snatched his little paper, saying, "Gimme that shit." He looked at the name. He made a disgusted face. He glared at Green Boi. "Really?" he asked.

"I couldn't think of anything," whined Green Bean.

"You might as well call yourself 'Green Bean Bitch', you Green Bean Bitch" he grumbled, as he took his marker and scribbled over the name Green Boi wrote. Against Green Boi's protest, Angry Explodey Boi wrote a name for him and handed the paper back to him. "You're welcome, Dumbass."

"Ugh I hope you didn't call me something stupid…" Green Boi paused. He stared at the writing. "Oh. Wow…" A smile spread across his face. "That's pretty good!"

"Yeah it's better than 'Super Fingers'. Fuck that name."

"Ugh, can you not bully me for one day, Explochan?"

"Don't make it so damn easy then, you dumb little bitch." He waved him off dismissively. "Go present your name."

"Thanks!" With a smile, Green Boy approached the podium and proudly displayed his sign. "The Relentless Hero: Green Might."

The class buzzed with approval. Sexy-sensei cooed, "That's so cute how your boyfriend helped you with your name! That'll be a sexy backstory."

"WE'RE NOT DATING!" both boys said in unison.

/Author's Note/

'Sup people, I'm back! I think I'll do weekly updates on Wedneday Evenings. Sorry for the long haitus...